Synopsis: Its the day before Darren and his mom go to Mexico. He sees Mr. Edwards for lunch and meets his children. Darren's little brother Sammy goes about his own problem of wanting to be female.

********************
Chapter 14
********************

Sunday morning found me sitting up in bed and having a cigarette as I thought about last night and the day in front of me. The night before I had put my mouth on Mr. Edwards' penis and today, after he went to church, I was going to see him and meet his children at lunch.

I found myself wondering how religious Mr. Edwards was. If he was a holy roller and over the top, the truth about me wouldn't sit well with him. After all, every one knows that God hates fags. Is that what I am, a fag?

I lifted the cigarette to my lips and sucked on the filter the way I had sucked on Mr. Edwards' penis. When I thought about it, well…it really hadn't been that bad, kind of like sucking on a big thumb. Except a big thumb a'int covered in goo.

I closed my eyes and tried hard to remember the names of his children and their ages. The oldest of course was Lars. That was easy to remember because he was my age and he was a big reason why any future with Mr. Edwards would be so crazy.

Not that Mr. Edwards had asked me to marry him. We were just going to lunch, but what if things progressed and we wound up getting serious? He'd expect me to be a mother to his children. How in the world could I be a mother to a boy who was my age?

I wondered if it would be any easier with his other kids. Ben is 13 and Abby is 11. 13 is pretty close to being a teenager, so Ben could be tough I reasoned. And then there is Abby. What did I know about raising little girls? It wasn't as if I'd ever been one before.

I put out my cigarette and chided myself for opening up such a big can of worms.

****

Mom came in as I was putting on my make-up. "You look nice," she said.

I thanked her as I put the cap back on the lipstick tube. "Nice enough to meet Ken's family?" I asked.

"They're going love you."

"I hope you're right," I said as I lit a cigarette. "I'm afraid this could blow up in my face."

"It could but it won't," Mom said. "I know you can do this because I saw you do it last night. You handled yourself like an adult woman. That's what Ken saw and that's what his children will see."

I stared into the mirror and admired the older woman looking back at me. She looked so mature and confident. If only I really felt that way.

"You're all dressed up," I said. "Are you going somewhere?"

"I'm taking Sammy shopping for a dress," she said. "That is if I can get him out of the house."

"Doesn't he want to go?"

"I thought he did, but now I think he's having second thoughts. Do you think you could talk to him after you finished getting dressed?"

*****

I thought about Sammy as I put the finishing touches on my make-up. I knew what he was going through or at least I thought I did. After all, it wasn't as if I was 100% sure of what I was doing. I was just making up the rules as I went a long.

I stood outside of Sammy's closed bedroom door and knocked.

"Who's there?" Sammy called.

"Its me," I said in my Darren voice. "Can I come in?"

Sammy agreed so I opened the door and walked inside. I found him sitting at his desk smoking a cigarette. A pack of Camel No. 9's was on his desk. His room was full of smoke.

"Maybe you should crack a window or something," I said as I took it upon myself to ventilate the room. Sammy nodded without saying anything as I opened his window.

The cold November air came rushing in as I sat down on his bed with my back to the window. I could have asked him how he was doing but by the looks of things I already knew it wasn't good. "Mom said you're not sure about going shopping with her. Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

Sammy lifted his head and looked at me. The expression on his face said it all. He was scared and ashamed. I was well aquatinted with that look because I'd seen it on my own face from time to time.

"Mom said you met a man last night at the bar," Sammy said. "Do you like him?"

"I do kind of like him. As a matter of fact I'm going to see him again today, but this isn't about me. Lets talk about you."

"I'm just not sure if I really want to be a girl," Sammy said.

"Well if that's how you really feel then its okay with me, but last night you seemed pretty sure about it. What made you change your mind?"

Sammy shrugged and said, "Me and Dad were talking last night and he said some things that got me kind of thinking about it and I kind of think he's probably right."

"Right about what?" I asked.

"He thought maybe I wanted to be a girl because you're going to be a girl."

"But I thought you've been doing this for a long time," I said.

"Don't get mad but I was kind of lying about that. I thought Mom and Dad might like me better if I was a girl because they like you so much. They even think its cool that you smoke."

I nodded because I was beginning to understand. Jealousy is a big motivator. "Is that why you started smoking?" I asked. "Because I smoke?"

Sammy finished his cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. "I thought it would be cool to smoke like you and Mom," he said. "And I thought she'd let me do it if she thought I wanted to be a girl."

I understood exactly what he was saying even though it didn't make sense to me. But that's the thing about kids Sammy's age. Nothing they do makes sense.

"What about boys? Were you lying about liking them and thinking they're cute?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'm not sure. Its just that I don't think I like girls as much as my friends do and we used to be such good friends but now all they care about is girls."

"So you think that being a girl would make them like you more than they do now?" I asked.

Sammy picked up his pack of Camel 9's and shook his head yes. "Sounds stupid, doesn't it?" he asked.

I told him I wasn't in the position to think anyone is stupid. "I've done some crazy things for some really weird reasons," I said.

Sammy lit a cigarette and asked, "So what do you think I should do?"

"Well for starters, it sounds to me like you shouldn't go shopping with Mom today. You really don't want to be a girl. Do you?"

"Its not that I don't want to be a girl. Its more like I can't be because I'm not that way. I thought I could but now I don't."

"Look Sammy. The first thing you got to do is to stop thinking about it like its a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with being a boy, especially if you feel like one. Seriously! Being a boy is a good thing especially if you're already a boy."

"What about you?" Sammy asked. "Are you really a girl on the inside like Mom and Dad say?"

I took a deep breath and sighed. "Well to tell you the truth, I'm not exactly sure. But whatever it is, its between you and me and I don't need you telling mom and dad about it."

Sammy looked surprise. "But I thought you wanted to be a girl and that's why you were going to Mexico, you know to get the surgery to be like Mom."

"I do want to be like Mom and that's exactly why I'm going to Mexico. But I thought you were asking me if I really felt like a girl or if I felt like a boy."

Sammy's look of surprised turned into a look of confusion. "I'm not sure I understand," he said. "Why would you want to be a girl and do girl things if you didn't feel like one."

"I don't know. Why did you want to do it," I asked.

"Because you were doing it and it looked kind of fun. Do you think its fun to dress like a girl?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" I asked. "I love wearing women's clothes. That's one of the best things about being a woman."

"What about the other stuff?" Sammy asked. "Do you like that stuff too? You know. Kissing guys."

"Well I've only kissed one guy but I did kind of like it. Actually, I liked it a lot."

"Mom said the guy you like is a lot older than you, like Dad's age."

"He is."

"Don't you think that's kind of weird and gross? Sammy asked.

"I guess it would be if he knew how old I really was."

"Or that you're really a boy," Sammy added.

"Yeah, but he doesn't know and he's never going find out, so to answer your question, No. I didn't think it was gross kissing him."

"Dad said he has kids and one of them is as old as you. You don't think that's weird either."

"I haven't met his kids yet so I don't know if its going to feel weird. But if they think I'm really older then they'll think I'm just a regular woman and there's nothing weird about that." I took a deep breath and sighed. "I don't know. Its kind of complicated and confusing but I'm sure I want to do this."

"So why do you have to be a woman?" Sammy asked. "If you got to be one person, why don't you just be a boy?"

"I would if I could because it would be a hell of a lot easier than doing what I'm doing now but I can't. As long as I'm a boy, there's always going to be a part of me that wants to be a woman like Mom. You gotta understand. This isn't something new. I've always felt like this for as long as I can remember."

"What about this?" Sammy asked. "What's going to happen after you get a sex change and everything? Do you think you're still going to want to a boy sometimes?"

I grinned and shook my head. "You know you're pretty smart for only being 11 years old."

Sammy exhaled a lung full of smoke and grinned proudly. "Well are you?" he asked.

"I don't think I'm going to ever really want to go back to being a boy, but I don't think I'll be able to keep from thinking about it. I guess what I think I'm trying to say is that I don't think I'll ever stop wondering about what my life could have been like as a boy. Sometimes I see guys my age and I'm glad I'm not doing the shit they're doing and then other times I kind of miss it."

"What about football? Do you miss that?"

I bit my lip and cocked my head. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"You were really good at it," Sammy said.

"Thanks, but you know I've thought about it and I pretty much decided that I'd rather be a woman than play football. I mean I'm always going to miss it and you know I'll think about the things that might have been, but what I'm trying to say is that being a woman is always going to be more important to me. So for me, I think I'm making the right choice. And that's the way you've got to think about it for you. The big thing is that you got to do what you think is right for you, the thing that will make you happy for the rest of your life."

Sammy nodded as he trimmed the ash from his cigarette against the side of the ashtray. "What if you think you're doing the right thing but it turns out you made a mistake?"

"Are you talking about me or are you talking about you?" I asked.

"You." Sammy said.

"Well, I don't think I'm making a mistake but if it turns out I'm wrong then I'm just going to have to live with it and make the best of it. After I get the surgery you know there's no going back. They're going to make me into a woman, an older woman like Mom."

"And that's what you really want?" Sammy asked.

"More than anything in the world," I said.

"Then its a good thing," Sammy said.

"I think it is, but what about you?" I asked. "What do you really want?"

"I want my friends to like me as much I like them," Sammy said.

"If that's the case then I'm pretty sure they'd like you better as a boy than as a girl," I said. "It's going to freak them out if they think you want to be a girl and like them the way girls like boys."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Sammy said.

"I know I'm right. So what about the smoking?" I asked as I pointed at the cigarette in his hand. "I don't think your friends will think that's so cool."

Sammy nodded and wiped a tear from his eye. "I know that," he said, "and I tried to quit but I keep doing it."

"That's because you're addicted like me and Mom," I said. "But that doesn't mean you can't quit. Its hard but people do it."

"What happens if I can't quit?" Sammy asked.

"Then you'll keep smoking," I said. "But maybe you can switch to something less girly," I said as I pointed at his pretty pack of Camel 9's.

Sammy nodded thoughtfully.

"Well, its something to think about," I said as I stood up and rubbed the top of his head with my hand.

******

I arrived at Aldo's promptly at 12:30. Aldo's wasn't bad if you like Italian food, which I do, but I think the only reason they were still in business is because they're the only restaurant in town that still has a smoking section. I thought about that as I got out of the car and wondered if that was why Mr. Edwards suggested it. After all, Mr. Edwards didn't smoke in front of his kids, but his wife had. Perhaps they used to come here when she was alive. Or maybe he just wanted me to be comfortable. Either way, I was nervous and a cigarette or two would definitely take the edge off.

Mr. Edwards saw me before I saw him and waved me over to the table. He introduced me to his children, Lars, Ben, and Abby. Lars and Ben both stood up and took my hand as if they'd been coached to do so.

"Its nice to meet you Ms. Peterman," Lars said. "My dad has told us so much about you."

"Its nice to meet you too, but please call me, Nancy. That is if your father doesn't mind."

After being seated, I turned my attention to Abby and complimented her on her dress. The gesture on my part didn't come naturally, but I'd seen my mother use it a thousand times. Judging by the smile on her face, I'd done the right thing and quickly moved to make a similar remark about Ben.

"Are you sure you're only thirteen?" I asked. "You must be eating your Dad out of house and home."

Ben sat up proud and straight and assured me that he was indeed only thirteen.

Lars was a different matter all together and I knew I wouldn't win him over by patronizing him. I knew from experience that fifteen year old boys could sniff their way past the horse shit. "You look so much like your father," I said and then I went on to ask him about football, since I knew he played.

I interjected my knowledge of football as Lars told me about his season. He seemed impressed that I knew what I was talking about. I opened my purse and removed my cigarette case as Lars changed the subject to wrestling. Mr. Edwards did his gentlemanly duty by offering me a light and I thanked him as he handed me a menu.

I don't know a lot about wrestling. I had friends who were wrestlers and I knew they were always on diets, but other than that, I was pretty much clueless. Lars, on the other hand, was clearly passionate about the sport.

"I wrestle too," Ben spouted. "I won Big Kids State last year!" he said proudly. "Dad's my coach."

Mr. Edwards smiled at his son and told him the competition was going to be a lot tougher this season and if he wanted to do well, he'd need to start lifting weights like Lars.

I turned to Mr. Edwards and said, "I didn't know you coached wrestling." I asked him if he coached at the high school too, even though I knew he didn't.

Mr. Edwards shook his head no. "I'm just a club coach," he said. "Elementary and middle school kids. I coached Lars when he was younger too."

I looked across the table at Abby who seemed to be left out. "Don't tell me you wrestle too?" I asked.

Abby grinned and said, "Not any more, but I tried when I was 6."

"So you didn't like it?" I asked.

Abby made a yucky face. "It was sweaty and gross. I'm a cheerleader," she said proudly. She pointed to the cigarette in my hand and said, "My mommy used to smoke like you do."

"I'm sorry. I can put it out if its bothering you."

"That's okay. It doesn't bother me," Abby said. "I was just remembering my mom."

"I'm sure you all must miss her terribly," I said.

"We do, but she's in a better place," Ben said.

I felt awkward, as if I was intruding. Were they afraid I was there to take their mother's place. Before I could say anything, our waitress arrived and asked for our orders. I hadn't really had time to look at the menu but that didn't matter because Mr. Edwards ordered for the table. "Is spaghetti okay with everyone?" he asked. The children said yes and so did I. Mr. Edwards ordered a family style spaghetti with a large salad and an order of garlic bread.

Mr. Edwards looked at me as the waitress took up our menus. Unless I was mistaken, he was sensing the same kind of awkwardness about his late wife, but unlike me, he was prepared to face it.

"I suppose this is as good of a time as any," Mr. Edwards began, "but then again, maybe its not, because I haven't discussed any of this with Nancy. For all I know, she might not feel the same about me as I feel about her, but I want you kids to know that I like her. As a matter of fact, I like her a lot."

I covered his hand with mine and said, "I like you too, Jim, so it looks like the feeling is mutual."

Mr. Edwards breathed a sigh of relief. I guess he felt good about his and my feelings being on the same page. "In that case," he said, "it looks like the five of us are going to start spending a lot of time with each other. But I want you to know, that even though Nancy and I have feelings for each other, she's not here to replace your mother."

"Of course not," I added. "I wouldn't dream of such a thing. I've heard so much about her and I can't begin to imagine how special she really was, but I have a good idea. And I've heard so much about the three of you. You're all as wonderful as your father said you'd be. And as far as your father and I are concerned, well I think he's very special too, which is why I hope you'll share him with me."

That could have been it. The kids could have accepted what I said in silence and left me to wonder how they felt, or one of them or maybe all of them could have said something to let me know how I stood with them. It was Lars who spoke up to give us his blessing and the others followed suit.

"We just want our dad to be happy," Lars said. "You're all he's talked about since he met you. It's Nancy this and Nancy that. I'm sure our mom would want him to be happy too. And for what its worth, I like you and I think you're really neat."

"Me too," Ben said.

I thanked Ben and Lars and turned my attention to Abby. "What about you Abby? What to do you think? Is it okay if I date your daddy."

Abby's face broke out into a huge smile. "I'd like that a lot," she said, "and maybe we could do things together."

"Like shopping or going to lunch?" I asked.

Abby nodded her head. "Yeah, stuff like that," she said."

******

The kids had talked Mr. Edwards and I into taking them to play miniature golf after lunch. I love miniature golf but it was the first time I'd ever played it while wearing a skirt.

I was having a great time with Mr. Edwards and his children but my pleasure had more to do with being accepted as Mr. Edwards girlfriend than it did with how well I was playing.

Little Abby clung to me and wouldn't let me out of her sight as her brothers showed off for me. Mr. Edwards showed off too. Truth be told, I could have golfed better than any of them but I held back.

The course was crowded with a lot of families and several teens. Was this what it would be like to have a family of my own, I wondered? I hoped so, because I loved the way it felt.

I reached into my purse and pulled out my cigarette case when Abby let out a monstrous scream. Her scream was like a siren and her cheeks were wet with tears. Oh my God! Did I do something to her? Did I step on her foot?

My first inclination was to move away from her so that I wouldn't be blamed. But no! That's not right. A real woman would never do that, especially one who had a mother's instinct. But I didn't have a mother's instinct. I was just pretending to be motherly and womanly.

Mr. Edwards was twenty or so odd feet away and I was right next to her. Why was she screaming, "Mommy!" Oh my God, what am I supposed to do? I felt her small hands dig into my hips. Did she feel the padding or did it feel natural to her? Why am I thinking about that? I have to do something. I need to do something.

I dropped my cigarette case and the golf club to the ground and took a knee beside her. I placed one hand on her shoulder and wiped her tears with the other. "What's wrong, Honey? Are you hurt?" I asked.

Abby sat down hard on the ground and rubbed her leg. "It burns!" she screamed.

I moved her hand away and saw a round red welt. "Did something bite you?" I asked.

Mr. Edwards bent down beside me and the boys gathered around us, while some of the other golfers turned their attention toward us.

"Something stung me!" Abby wailed. "I think it was a wasp. It hurts so bad. Make it stop hurting. Pleaseeee!"

Now that I knew what was wrong, I didn't even have to think about it. I did what my mother had done for me in similar situations. I picked up my cigarette case off the ground and extracted a cigarette. I tore it open so that the tobacco spilled into my palm. I then spit on it to make it wet.

"This will suck out the poison," I said as pressed the wet tobacco to the sting. "How does that feel?" I asked. "Better?"

Abby sniffed and nodded her head. "Its like magic," she said. "It doesn't hurt any more."

I held my hand in place for about a minute, giving the tobacco time to pull out the poison. I moved my hand away and saw the stinger protruding from her skin and removed it with my long painted nails.

"There we go. All done," I said as I held the stinger out for her to see.

"Thanks Nancy! You're the best," she said as she reached out and hugged me.

I returned her hug and rocked her back and forth. She felt good in my arms because she made me feel like a mother."

Mr. Edwards helped us to our feet and asked Abby if she still wanted to play. She assured him that she did and asked if it was her turn yet.

*****

I could have spent the rest of the day and all night with Mr. Edwards and his family but I needed to go home and pack. Tomorrow was the big day. We were flying down to Mexico.

I'd wound up telling Mr. Edwards a small version of the truth about my trip to Mexico. I told him that I was getting some cosmetic surgery, which included breast augmentation. He tried to tell me that I didn't need such things but I argued that he'd never seen me with my clothes off and he never would until I was comfortable with my body. That was all the incentive he needed. "Hurry up and feel good," he said.

*****

I found Sammy with my parents when I got home from seeing Mr. Edwards. I Hadn't forgotten about Sammy's dilemma and neither had my parents. They were concerned about him and so was I, but to a lesser degree.

I don't know why my parents felt that I should be an expert on Sammy's problem with sexuality, but that's what they thought. If you asked me, its like asking a 5th generation dude named Sanchez to be fluent in Spanish.

I did my best to assure them that Sammy did indeed know what he wanted.

"So you don't think he's just embarrassed about wanting to be a girl?" my mother asked.

I told her that Sammy didn't want to be a girl. He was just jealous and looking for attention. "But don't be mad at him," I said. "Its not like he was playing with your emotions on purpose. He's just a kid."

Mom smiled softly and admitted that she was relieved. "As much as I'd love to have a little girl, I don't want to lose both of my sons," she said.

I reminded her that she wasn't losing a son as much as she was gaining a sister.

Mom nodded and lit a cigarette. "You know its not too late to change your mind if you're having second thoughts about this."

"No second thoughts and no regrets," I said as I removed a cigarette from my case and proudly fired it up. My penis tingled as I thought about the loose and wrinkled skin I'd be coming home with. Not to mention the boobs and the hips.

I took a puff from my cigarette and held it in my lungs before letting the smoke escape past my pursed lips. "I'm going to be a woman, Mom. I'm going to be just like you."

"And you're sure that's what you really want?" she asked.

"You know it is. Do you really have to ask?"

Mom smiled and shook her head. "Just checking," she said.