Turning 16

Preface

Hi, let me introduce myself, my name is Belle Pride. I am writing this story for Jenny, my daughter, on her 16th birthday. It also happens to be my 32nd birthday. It was 16 years ago to the day that she came into my life (seems like a life time ago). It is time for me (at last) to keep a promise I made on that day so long ago. This is to tell her how she came into this world and how she has changed my life before and after she was born. I know this will not be easy, but the tale must be told. It all started a few months into my fifteenth year.

Beginnings

Chapter 1
I lived in a big house (to me) on the south side of a small coastal town in Washington called Greyveil (Grayhell we called it). I lived there with my mother Janice (Not Fun) and my sister June. My father had left us over 2 years before. My older sister June had just moved back home because she was pregnant and unmarried. In the small town mentality, that was quite a sin (Idiots). Her moving back made me very happy.

June and I were very close growing up, we did most things together. We were very much alike. June was just over two years older than me, but that never seemed to matter (to us). She was 5’ 5” with a tiny waist, delicate build and pixy face that I always thought of as “elfish”. She had flaming red hair that moved with her every breath and skin as fair as new snow. I, on the other hand, stood 5’ 4” and had a slight build, rather effeminate I guess, and tiny waist that rivaled hers. My hair was long pure flame with highlights that flowed like it was alive. My skin was what made us look the most alike though. I had the classic peaches and cream completion just like hers. I admired her and tried to live up to her standard in every way. I guess that is why I kept my hair long and most of the time in a ponytail.

We mostly had the same tastes, in books, in music, at times we even dressed in similar fashions. Before I started school my mother used to dress me in hand-me-downs from my sister (saying it saved money). People even said we looked like twins (twin girls). About the only thing different between us is that I was male (kind of). We were quite a pair growing up; people mixed us up a lot. We had a lot of fun with that. My sense of humor was almost as bad as hers when it came to messing with people. Fooling people was how we had fun.

When she moved out it to live with her boyfriend, (JERK!) it almost broke my heart. Living in that big house with just my mother was not what I would call a fun. She was quite distant and some times quite harsh with me. My delicate (some said girlish) nature, smallness, shyness, and frequent health problems disappointed her I think. It also could be that she could not have any more kids after me due to complications with my birth. I knew she always wanted a big family (she was the oldest of eleven kids). I think she blamed me for not being able to have that and my father’s leaving. I was not what she thought a good son should be, I guess. Maybe that most of all led to what would come.

After my sister moved out, the fights between my mother and me got more and more frequent. Most of the time she was quite nasty and mean to me during these fights. I was so shy that I would often not even fight back. I did not have the heart to tell her off, so I just let her yell. This made her even madder most of the time. The fights were mostly about my as she termed it very girlish (sissy) ways. I liked keeping my hair long (another fight) and that did not help even though I kept it clean and in a unisex style. My preference for soft (girlish) clothing and shyness really got on her nerves. Having her son acting like a girl (sissy) was unacceptable to her. She took her frustration out on me quite often to my regret. I did not see the girl in me at the time (yet).

When my sister moved back home I hoped she would be a buffer between my mother and me (small hope). That hope died a quick ugly death. Her pregnancy had changed her and it was a not a good change. When her boyfriend left her (because of the pregnancy, I think) she began to hate all men (small wonder). This included even nonthreatening types like me. I tried to reconnect with her for a while, but to no avail. After two weeks of trying and crying, I gave up and retreated into my room. Which had always been my haven from the harsh world. Hiding was the only option I could think of (bad one though it was). My life had gone from bad to unbearable and I felt like I had lost my sister all over again (time two).

I was quite shy so I had few friends, none really and no job, so I was home a lot. My mother worked all day and June was avoiding me. With the pregnancy causing her a lot of problems June was not up to doing much so I was the one to do most of the chores around the house. None of us were very messy people so this did not take up much of my days. I was a good student and the school was not what I would call a hard one. This gave me a lot of time to think on my life (not good). My life was not as I would have it (yet). I had to change things or I would surely go insane (maybe I had already had). That is when a chance remark made by my mother (of all people) gave me the answer I needed. She said June was having trouble with her pregnancy and was looking for a “girl” to help her (Bingo!). This helped me form a strange plan. I went to my mother late one night with my plan of how I could help. It was a weird plan, but I thought it would work, if only she would go along with it?

I knew that June wanted and needed to have a full time helper because of her health problems. I had always liked to help people, especially June (when given a chance). There was only one catch I could see. My sister wanted to have a girl to help her. This was a problem I had a thought a lot about (worried). Well, I was doing a lot of so called girl’s work keeping the house and I had been told I was very girlish (sissy) for most of my life anyway. I really did not like the way people would use that to demean me (like there is anything wrong with it). So after a long night of soul searching I had to consider who and what I really was (hard thinking). I realized that I was hiding, in denial of who I was. Looking at myself real hard I could see I could easily be a girl (where did that come from?). I could even get to like it (I think?). Developing my girlish side was how I was going to help my sister (and myself). With one stroke I was going to stop hiding (???) and fix the rift that was growing between June and myself (I hope).

It was simple; June wanted a girl to help her, I would become that girl (goddess, help me). It would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but it was needed (???). This would not solve all my problems, but I think that maybe it would help all of us some (I hope). I talked for quite a while outlining what I had planed to my mother. The words just seemed to jump out, tumbling over themselves to get out of my mouth. I don’t know why, but even as I spoke I knew this was the way I needed to go. For her part she just sat there and listened without a word as I rambled on and on (and on, and on). This scared me more than anything (No yelling, BAD!).

When I finally came to an out of breath halt, she turned to the window in deep thought. I stood there for a while trying to think if I left anything out or if I said anything that might be misleading. I could not find anything to rephrase or correct. I was about to leave when she turned back to me. She said, “Do you know what you are asking? Do you realize the life you are letting yourself in for?” I nodded to her. I looked in her eyes to see any hint as to witch way she was leaning but only sadness was there. Then she said, “I will have to think on this. I will talk to you in the morning. You should go to bed now.” I was surprised that she was considering my plan at all (without yelling). This meant that something happened I had not been told about (as usual). I was badly disquieted while walking to my room.

At that point I knew I was right to tell my mother my plan. It would change my life for sure, but maybe make it a little better (I hope). As I lay in bed I tried to think what my life would be like if my mother agreed to my plan (good? bad?). I just could not manage it, I did not have a clue how much this would change everything (I would soon find out!). I also had a foreboding about the way my mother had not yelled when I told her my plan (she always yelled). It was one of the longest nights of my life (yet).

In the morning I walked into the kitchen trying not to shake with expectation of what this day could mean to me (for good or bad). For once my sister was downstairs before me (Startling). My mother was nowhere in sight (good). As I walked to the fridge to get some juice June followed me with her eyes. She had a thoughtful look in her eyes that spooked me (badly). I did not know what to think when she did not speak. I was sure, for some reason, my mother had told her of our talk last night ( !?!). Her eyes told me she was doing some heavy thinking, but her body language told me nothing of her thoughts (not good). I got a chill while thinking, could mom be leaving it up to her? I guess it would be her choice. I wondered was June trying to figure if I was for real or nuts (maybe both)? I guess I would find out when she spoke. Time took on the consistency of molasses.

After a few minuets (seemed like days), I had to break the silence (to save my sanity). I said, “Well did mom tell you my plan? What do you think?” She looked at me and nodded (strange). That was it for her response (spooky). The time crawled by as I waited for her to continue. Finally she stood, turned and smiled at me while waving me to follow her. My senses soared with delight (YES). She had not smiled at me since she had moved back in. That smile was like the sun coming out after a long hard winter. I noted there was a hint of sadness in her smile that I did not like.

She took me to her room and opened her closet. I had not been in her room for years it seemed, but was surprised at the profusion of dresses, skirts, and other things (unidentifiable lacy things) in her closet. She had not brought that much in the way of clothes back with her when she moved back. She dug in the back of her closet for a minuet before coming out with her old trunk (dragging it). I had not seen this item for a long time (never when open). She had kept her favorite old dresses she had outgrown in it. She had once said she kept her best dreams in it. She had put the trunk away when she had moved out. That had always made me wonder what was in it.

I watched as she opened it and took out the dress I had loved to see her wear when we were younger. It was a flowing lavender summer dress with a scoop neck and a little bow at the hip. It was simple, but quite pretty. She looked fantastic in it. It was too small for her now, so she had packed it away (too bad). I guess this was one of the dreams she put away (so to speak). She held it up looking for flaws, but found none. It was the epitome of fine fashion to me (?). It was perfect type of dress (for what?). Why had I thought that at that time I did not know?

As she placed the dress in my hands, I realized this was the way June was telling me she was accepting my plan (help). I was going to realize a dream that had just started to form. I was going to be able to help her (and myself) in her time of need. She smiled as she said, “I guess “Bill” just doesn’t fit you any more. We will have to find you a new name. Maybe “Belle” will be good. Yes, I think that would fit you well.” She continued “Mom and I talked a lot after you went to bed last night (help). Your plan is very strange. She thinks you are nuts (like always), but she left the decision up to me. I do need the help so; I think we will try your plan for now (wow).” With a sad smile she added “Maybe it is for the best”? At that moment I knew there was something they were not telling me (again). Her sadness scared me too much to ask what was going on. “Where is Mom?” I asked (just for something to say). She smiled that same sad smile (odd) again before answering. “She’s out getting what you will need.” was her answer. At that I was amazed (really). Did this mean my mother would help (me over a cliff probably)? This was beginning to make me reconsider my plan. Could I really pull this off? What would I become if I did?

That is how I started to change my life (what life?). I was doing what I could do to help June and hopefully make all our lives better or that is what I kept telling myself (yeah, right). I knew this would take me into strange places and meetings with even stranger people (intriguing). All I could do is hold on and focus on June. I just hoped I had what it takes to follow through with my plan (hard as it may get). June deserved only the best help. I wanted to give her the perfect helper, even if I had to be a girl to do it (Goddess help me). Where this helping would lead me I did not know.

June told me to get in the shower and wash and condition my hair. Then she told me to shave the tiny amount of leg hair I had (not too much blood). No other shaving was required because I had no other bad body hair. I was fortunate in that way (so they tell me). As I got out of the shower I glanced at the mirror. The girlish face looking back at me told me that this could work (hopefully). I took a long look at myself in the full-length mirror on the door and I could see very little boy in my boy’s body (was it always like that?). The girl in me was screaming to get out (loudly) for some time now and I never saw it (till now). Funny how we can miss what is right in front of us?

My mother got home shortly after I had finished my shower. I heard her come in, but she did not come up right away. I was sitting at my sister’s vanity in a robe getting my hair brushed out when she finally appeared. She just stayed in the doorway taking in what was happening for a few moments (sneering?). I loved having my hair brushed by June but the way my mother just stood there was unnerving. My sister just kept brushing and telling me how great my hair was (flame on). My mother came in June’s room and dropped about ten bags at my feet (I jumped). She did not speak to June or I, she just dropped the bags. These bags held what I would be wearing for the foreseeable future (yum-yum). I wanted to dig into them, but restrained myself (barely).

I looked in my mothers eyes, only to see dislike. I did not know if she hated me for what I was doing or just what I was doing (probably both). I found her look hard as stone (and harder to take). She did not like what I was doing (and me for it) but had given into my sister. This tipped me off that all was not as it seemed (see). I guess you can’t have everything (or anything with her). My heart sank as I watched her walk out. I had my sister back talking to me, but I was afraid I had lost my mother’s respect (As if I ever had it) for good. Well I would have to deal with that later (much later). Right now I had to attend to what June was teaching me. This was a lot to take in at once. For some reason I knew I had to learn fast (???).

She finished with my hair and began to dig into the bags. A glory of pastel silk & lace bras and panty sets in an amazing array of colors was to be produced from these bags. A few of the sets even had matching garter belts and hose. There were dresses, blouses and skirts of all different kinds as well. Four types of shoes came out of the bags. All had at least two-inch heels. One even had four-inch spike heels. The one thing that scared me the most was the corset. I just knew just looking at it. It would hurt to wear it. This was everything I would need to dress as a girl and hopefully look nice. If my mother did not want me to dress up, why did she get me such ultra feminine finery? This made me think I would never understand my family (will I ever understand her?). Maybe she did not agree, but I think she understood at least on some level (down real deep). Hope can come in the strangest packages. Well as long as I had to be a girl I would at least be well dressed.

The next thing I was shown was how to put on make-up. For this step I was dressed in a cute pink training bra, tight pink panties, and nude pantyhose (cute). The first thing she did was painful in the extreme. Plucking my eyebrows was not my favorite thing to do for sure. Then I was shown the wonders of foundation, blush and powder that made my face take on a glow that fascinated me. She then added eyeliner and mascara to bring out my eyes. Eye shadow gave me that exotic look I craved. Lip liner and lipstick finished the transformation. I was stunned at the result (wow). I really looked like a pretty girl (wow again). The change even startled June to the point that we both just stared for a long time at the mirror (wow x3). She hugged me and grinned, “I think this will work out after all” (yes!)! I think make up is such a wonderful thing.

After she finished my face she gave me a slip and told me to put it on while she got my dress ready. I wondered what she meant by that. The dress was perfect in every way (to my way of thinking). Lavender looked great on her, but could it look as good on me (Again I think)? I was soon dressed fully from the skin out as a girl for the first time (stunning). I could not believe the difference. It was like a key that opened a door I did not even know was there. It set me free, for the first time in my life I was complete and whole. Beyond all I had ever known was this place I now found myself in. As I looked into the full-length mirror I was reborn. That was the beginning of many months of trials, happiness, and frustration.

My mother was determined if I was going to be a girl I was going to be ALL girl. That meant hormones and a legal name change. I thought this was only right and went along with Mom and June’s suggestions. This meant a lot of discomfort for me but I just focused on my sister. June’s health was failing fast. The pregnancy was taking a lot out of her. This caused a great deal of tension in our house. The one thing my mother and I could agree on was our worry over June’s health. I found the whole time almost unbearable to say the least.

My mother set a doctors appointment for me the next day. The doctor was an elderly man with horn-rimmed glasses (isn’t that always the way). He asked me a whole lot of embarrassing questions and took a lot of my blood (goddess, I hate needles). He examined me in places I don’t even want to think about. He then gave me a shot in the hip witch gave me a weird sensation and two shots in my chest (OW!). That put me on my way to hormone bliss (blast off). That was all I needed to start on the hormones that would continue my transformation. He gave me the hormones pills and told me to come back in two weeks for follow up shots (oh joy).

We went to the courthouse to change my name right after the doctors. I was intimidated to say the least. I wore a conservative skirt and blouse with jacket hoping to look older. It went pretty fast for such a momentous day. Three questions and some paper shuffling was all there was to it. You would think they would make more of a fuss about such things, but they only looked bored. I guess I felt a little let down with how easy it was. That was it I was now Belle Ann Pride. What was I going to do?

The next few days were not good. I woke up with nausea from hell. When my sister came in to see why I was not up she just shook her head. “Welcome to your fist day as a girl” she quipped handing me a heating pad. Luckily it only took three days to get back on my feet.

The one thing I did not understand was when my mother asked the doctor to put me on the hormones that would make it possible for my breasts produce milk. I had heard this was possible, but did not know why she would want me to experience this. This should have warned me something was terribly wrong. She did this shortly after I started hormones (right after one of June’s appointments). So in about a month I had to wear pads in my bra to catch leaks.

This was a strange time. My sister was getting close to delivering and everyone was on edge. I hoped she would make it to her delivery date. The high doses of hormones I was on did not help (too high). I developed a snappy (bad) temper towards most people. Even the helpful nurses started to avoid me (look out here she comes). This pushed me into a deep depression. I started to dread the days and hate the nights. I even started to have nightmares of what could happen. My mother and I clashed often and harshly during this time. Because of my temper I even started a few of the fights, not that I ever won any of them.

My mother had me take childcare classes that were informative, but probable out of date (dumb town). I also attend all the pre-birth doctor appointments my sister had. This gave me an intimate look at what went on in giving birth (yuck). I learned all the ways to take care of a child (that they taught). To say the least I was fascinated with all I had to learn (and horrified). It often made me sick, but I did all I could. I knew this would be important sometime in the near future (I dreaded this).

I was really changing fast. So fast it took me by complete surprise. Within two months I was wearing a 32 B cup bra and was developing a fine figure thanks to another of my mothers fine ideas. Which was that I wear a tight corset all the time (Breathing was optional). My skin had taken on a softness I loved to touch thanks to the hormones and lotions I used. My hair had grown quite long and I kept it nicely styled and clean all the time. I loved to just sit and brush it for hours. I was becoming a real “Looker” and I liked it. I was even a bit vain about my looks I think. I feared I would really attract males now (??). That was another thing for me to worry about. I knew I was bisexual for some time now, but had not acted on it yet (did being a girl change this?). Did I have what it takes to date men? Could I be happy dating a man? What about sex? Would I even want to marry one in the future? What of my feelings for women? Would they just disappear? Could I, as a woman, date a woman? I was so confused about all that! I did not want to think of any of that yet. I had to look after June first. It always came back to her.

September meant I had to go back to school. With my new name and look I was sure I would be beat up every day. My mother talked to the principle at my school and I was allowed to go back as a girl. Another reason to be scared. The Doctor gave me a letter that got me out of gym class witch made my life easier. I guess I was invisible before I changed so everybody just thought of me as the new girl. I did not enlighten them as to their mistake. I just went with it, anything to make my life easier. That’s how I got trough till October.

In early October my sister’s heath was getting worse to the point that she had to be in the hospital until she delivered. Trying to keep her spirits up I spent a lot of time there even to the point of staying the night sometimes when she was real bad. I had a lot of time to do my homework there. The worry began to take its toll on me. I hardly slept or ate most of the time. Thanks to the stupid corset I just did not want to eat much and worry kept me up most nights. It got to the point I found my own health in jeopardy. My life could not go on like this. Yet I held on for June’s sake.

Here I was just turning 16 when I learned something about myself I could never, should never have known. I learned I could stand back and watch someone I love die (not willingly or easily). That was what was happening with June (Please no). No one said anything about it, but everyone knew. All we could do is hope she would hold on and deliver a healthy baby (a girl, I hoped). There was little hope she would survive the delivery (NO!). I cried a lot during that time (alone). My moods had turned back and forth from anger to depression. Everyone understood, but kept well out of my way. I felt torn, I wanted to run as far from this place as I could, but I knew I would not leave my sister for anything. Life is so hard sometimes. I just smiled when with her even with a broken heart.

It was October 19th my birthday, when she finally gave birth. I stood by while she held her baby girl (yes) for the first time and as it turned out the last. There were tears in my eyes when she called me over. In front of everyone she placed the baby into my arms with a sad smile. The last thing I heard June say was “Jennifer is yours to take care of. You are her mother now. I know you will take good care of her. Promise you will tell her of me someday.” I nodded unable to speak. My eyes were so full of tears I could barely see. With that she gave a long sigh and passed away. I began to cry as I found my sister had left me again and this time forever.

When the baby came out I looked at the clock and it read 10:45 a.m. the exact time on a morning sixteen years ago when I was born. Now I was reborn as a woman and a mother, how I was going to cope was not something I wanted to think on at that moment. I had Jennifer to care for (My Jenny). Strange how life pushes you into places where you would never go on your own and rewards you by making you totally happy. Looking down at my baby’s face did just that (yes, MY Baby). I was happy beyond any happiness I had ever felt before to be sure. In that moment I had lost all I lived for and at the same time found a greater reason to live.

As my mother mourned my sisters passing, I stood by and looked into Jenny’s face. As the tears flowed I had to laugh (almost) she was born at the same time and day that I was sixteen years ago. I guess she was my birthday present (fitting I guess). The doctor waited a few moments then pulled me aside. “Let’s get the paperwork done so you can take your baby home.” He said. When I looked surprised he told me that last requests where always fulfilled, if it was possible. I realized that is what my sister’s last words had been. She had given me the ultimate gift (and responsibility). Even after she was gone she was still looking out for me. The funeral was held three days later.

Strange as it was I was now Jenny’s mother. I guess in life you never know. They all knew about me but at that moment it did not make a difference. My mother had to be sedated for a while, because of grief. I was on my own in this at that moment. I had taken all the classes that were available in that small town, so in some ways I knew what to do. I also knew this would change me in ways I never could have thought of when I started this.

It was raining on the day we laid my sister to rest. I stood by the gave holding Jenny and made a vow that she would never feel unloved or as unwanted as I had felt. I was going to raise her right. Like my sister wanted. Yes I would tell her of June, I would make sure neither of us ever forgot her. She would live in my heart forever.

It was the little things I did not know that really showed me that I had a lot to learn. I muddled through with books and faith. Two things happened the next week that made my life more bearable. The first is I inherited a house in California and a lot of money. Second my mother was put in the hospital for a mental breakdown. You would think that would make my life harder, but not having her around let me breath easier while I learned to care for my child and in many ways myself. I grew up a lot in those first days.