Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 12:47 PM
"I don't have a problem, but... But you have...," I replied defiantly, awkwardly, and without as much anger as was boiling inside of me from this whole situation. The initial confrontation spiked my anxiety to the point it brought on a panic attack - which ramped up my fears about anything and everything. Can you breathe? Are people watching you? Will I have to fight her? Am I going to pass out? I need more air...

While it, the panic attack, didn't just disappear when I walked away from the initial contact with Jennifer - getting away from the source of my angst was a tiny, tiny bit of relief. Of course that got flushed when she just had to pursue me for more, what would I call this? Conflict? I looked at her trying to gauge where this was going to go, all the while thinking - you're really not who I want to unload on. Can't you get that through your head...

Dana slid in between the two of us, "Okay, not here... Let's take this outside."

We were starting to get onlookers, so the suggestion was probably... I hoped mom couldn't see me, I fought the urge to look behind me.

"No... I want to know why this...," she considered calling me some name, but thought better of it in a crowded expo with so many others just like Dana and I, "Giving attitude about Tyler."

"Jen, this isn't the place for...,"

"The fuck it isn't...," she interrupted him while holding her glare on me. She looked like she wanted me dead, to squish me under her shoe to a pulp like some defenseless bug.

"You ever think the real issue here is your man," Kaley said, tossing a cup full of gas on an already going blaze - even though she was guessing that's what this confrontation really boiled down too.

"Screw you... I'm not talking to you bitch," Jennifer stuck back.

Kaley took a step toward her, but Dana was making it known with his body position that there wasn't going to be a physical scene made here. More people were stopping and looking at the four of us, wondering what was going on.

"Seriously Jen," Dana grabbed her arm tentatively, "Outside... Now..." The tone said he wasn't making a request - more of an order and delivered with more authority than I think she was expecting from him.

"Fine... But this is going to explain what the fucking attitude is all about or I swear I'm going to kick her ass...," she replied and walked around Dana, Kaley, and I towards the expo's exit.

Oh fuck me! What rabbit hole am I going down with being part of...

"Brea, I don't know what's going on, but I've... Come outside, tell her what happened, and I promise to drag her out of here...," Dana said, his voice heavy with concern.

"Dana, you know what happened...," I said quietly. Kaley's face screamed 'Shock!' and she tried to get my attention by raising an eyebrow, but I keep my focus on Dana.

"Actually I don't, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. Tyler is a real dick, Brea. I'm really sorry... I should have warned you. I just didn't think he would..." he was looking like he wanted to be anywhere other than right here and just quit speaking.

"Yeah, well it was a huge mistake on my part...," I turned to Kaley, "Keep my mom distracted. Tell her I have to deal with something show related."

Kaley of course protested, but Dana assured her there would be no physical confrontation or anything crazy happening between Jennifer and I. Kaley was understandably angry, maybe a little hurt about being left to deal with my mom, but in the end she knew I needed to keep my mom out of this for too many reasons to list.

Dana and I headed towards the exit and a confrontation I wasn't looking forward too. She wasn't the one I wanted to unload on - but she needed to know what that fucker was capable of... I was sure she already knew.

Thursday, March 29th 12:53 PM
We walked towards Jennifer - now a good twenty to thirty feet down the hall from the expo banquet room. She had her phone out and looked to be texting someone - likely Tyler. Good, get his ass down here! I would love to give him a good piece of my mind!

"Jen...," Dana began tentatively, "I really think you need to hear Breanna out..."

"There's no way Tyler was with... This...," she said moving a hand towards me as if she were trying to wave a cloud of smoke away from herself, "Was he drunk? Is that how you desperate to be women types operate?"

No, you fucking just didn't say that! "Look, you can believe what you want, but your man is a cheating fuck," my words were spewing faster than my lips could operate. I was nervous, on panic overload, and I can't remember the last time my heart was hammering this hard in my chest. "He pursued me and... To be honest I don't often...," I sounded frustrated - which I was because I didn't feel like I could make the point I needed to, wanted to. "Whatever... It was mistake, but he was the one who..."

Jennifer lunged at me, but Dana was able to wrap his arms around her waist to restrain and hold her back, "You fucking bitch... I don't believe you," she cried while trying to wriggle out of Dana's grasp.

Her coming at me like that, unexpectedly, made me jump back a step. She was wrestling to get out of Dana's hold and that made me even more panicked. Holy shit, this girl is crazy! She wasn't screaming at me, but she wasn't quiet either. A few people walked by watching us, but that didn't affect Jennifer, "You make me sick. Everyone like you - fucking losers. Can't deal with being gay so you switch teams... Think you wanna be a girl now...," she said tauntingly, "Fucking pathetic! You'll never be a woman... No man wants you! Men will never want you..."

Breathing was getting tougher to do and as on edge as I was I didn't know how to respond to her pure hatred of me. My skin bristled, was chilled, and I felt like there was a ringing in my ears. I wasn't the problem - Tyler was the one she should be angry with. If I had known he was engaged - NEVER would have happened. I didn't chase him, he...

"That's it Jen, you're done here. Go find Tyler and deal with getting the truth you want to hear from him," Dana barked spinning her around and away from me as she continued to struggled to get free.

"Fuck you Dan... You're no better than he is, IT is..." she said swinging an arm in my direction as if she could get at me with at least five feet between us now and Dana holding her back.

"Jen... You know this isn't the first time he's done..."

She cut him off, "He's fucking engaged now Dan," she said his name as if it were an insult or something that tasted bad in her mouth.

"I know, but you know for a fact he's been with other wome..."

Again she cut him off, "I fucking swear I'll kick your ass too if you call IT a woman... IT, that's an IT. A fucking dude... Fuck you! Fuck you both!" Dana let her go and she stepped backwards, "You enjoy taking it up the ass? You fucking...," she sounded as if she was running out of gas.

She was frustrated, hurt, and maybe near breaking down... I didn't know what to say - I saw movement coming towards us from down the hall. Two of them, they were running... Oh shit! Cops or security personnel were heading straight for us. Please don't be cops! Please don't be...

"Fuck you both! If I see you again you fucking... I'm going to..."

The first security guard came up quickly behind Jennifer and barked at her, "Back up, move away! Now!" That shocked her into momentary silence as she swung around shocked to have someone yelling at her. The other guard moved in to corral Dana and I away from her - a little more politely, since we didn't appear to be losing it like Jennifer was.

Of course the questions flew once they had us separated. Dana did most of the talking in regards to answering them - explaining there was a misunderstanding between Jennifer and I - concerning her finance. The guard seemed to get it, but asked all the liability type questions you'd expect: "Did anyone hit anyone?" "Where's the guy?" Blah, blah, blah... Very embarrassing, very demeaning, and NOW we had a crowd of five or six people gawking.

Ten feet away the other guard was asking Jennifer pretty much the same things and she wasn't holding back - it was pathetic. She blamed me for sleeping with her finance to the guard... Wonderful! I wanted to melt into the carpet. Dana shook his head and tried to reassure me that I was the victim in all of this. Really? You think?! Fuck...

I kept coming back to the same question - where did this woman's hate come from? I mean seriously, I've never been berated like this ever face to face. Yeah, I get shit like this sent to me on Instagram and Tumblr all the time, but in person and when I'm not really at fault? What the hell?! And those attacks online - soooo much worse and vile. Sure, they made me feel hopeless, lost, worthless, and very much alone in my transition, but I usually just hit 'delete' and block the sender. Fucking trolls!

Jennifer - she just didn't want to believe Tyler was the problem and was lashing out at me. Didn't make it justifiable... And all my inner turmoil, so many out there wanting to make me feel small or... Augh! Stop!!! I replayed her, 'No man wants you! Men will never want you...' comment and took in a long, slow breathe... Am I unlovable? My psyche was taking a deep dive into a dark, dark place. Could this get any worse?

Thursday, March 29th 1:19 PM
When everyone's statements had been gathered and the two guards had finished conferring, the taller of them - the one who had interviewed Dana and I - said to Jennifer, "Miss, you're leaving this area or you'll be removed and trespassed from the property..."

She looked a little surprised by the request to leave, demand actually, and she almost looked like she was going to protest, but thought better of it. "Fuck you...," was her reply as she turned and started down the hall towards the lobby. She raised both hands up high flipping everyone off for good measure. No doubt the bulk of that gesture was meant for me - whatever... A couple of the people watching clapped and there were even a few who laughed at her. I just wanted out of here...

"Let's give her a couple minutes to get clear of the lobby. My partner is going to make sure she's going back to her room." We could see his partner trailing Jennifer. He continued, "Did either of you," he corrected himself, "I mean, did you," he was now talking to me, "Want to press charges or anything? Do you feel threatened or unsafe?"

Threatened? There was certainly a threat made - what part of Dana telling you about that did you miss, I wondered. Was I feeling unsafe? Geez! Yeah! But I just wanted out of here, so I wasn't giving this guy anything to keep me around any longer, "I'm pretty sure I'll be fine." Could he tell that was a lie? Fuck it...

"Sir," the guard was asking the same of Dana.

"Jennifer is engaged to my brother. I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable moments to come before this event is over. I'm not worried about any of that if that's your question," Dana said.

"Alright then," he pulled out a card for each of us, "Feel free to call the number on the card or the front desk if there are any more issues. You can also dial 911 from within the hotel, no need to worry about an outside line. You two have a better day..."

Dana thanked him, while I just stared absently at his card. The couple people gathered to watch this train wreck had moved - Thank God! I tried to not think about those couple negative looks I'd gotten from our impromptu audience. Whatever... I needed to get back to my mom, "I need to go...," I said to Dana.

"I'm so sorry Brea...," he replied.

"Wasn't your fault Dana, I... He just hit me on a low and I was so desperate to be normal, feel normal I didn't think any of that night out...," I looked down as the tears began to flow, "It's not right..."

Dana hugged me, assuring me again that this wasn't my fault, that I was valid, beautiful, worthy. I tried to steel my nerves, get a grip on the last hour, and when I thought I had it together - thanked him. He said he was going to the pool, inviting me to come with - I said I needed some time to process. I hate drama, I hate conflict, and I especially hated people who hate. Was this encounter as crazy as it could have been? Ah, pretty sure this ranks as the worst in-person confrontation I had been a part of - ever. I headed for my room, texting Kaley as I walked toward the elevators.

Thursday, March 29th 1:51 PM
I texted mom to say I was done with the sound check (a little white lie for her protection), back in my room, and going to skip going out to lunch with her and Kaley.

Her reply: ‘What’s wrong?’

Me: ‘Nothing, just have a headache and I’m going to lay down for an hour. Didn’t get much sleep last night – you might recall me looking like death this morning. LOL’

She seemed to accept that and said she’d come by around 4:00 PM to wish me luck before I headed out to the show at 5:00 PM. I told her that would be perfect. Of course, while that text exchange was going on I was having another one with Kaley. I had to be careful to not screw up who got what message.

Me: ‘That was fun - NOT!’

Kaley: ‘What happened?! Where RU?’

Me: ‘Too much to text – In my room, can U come, 601.’

Kaley: ‘Be there shortly. I have your shoes.’ Smiley face and shoes emoji.

Me: ‘Oh crap, I totally forgot! Thank U!’ Kissy face emoji.

Thursday, March 29th 2:13 PM
The knock on the door literally made me jump! I knew it had to be Kaley, but I walked to the door slowly, listening for any voices, and looked out the peephole studying the person standing there, Kaley. I let out a BIG sigh of relief before I pulled the door open, “My shooooes…,” I said trying to sound like I wasn’t still rattled and everything was good.

Kaley took a second to look me over, “Are you okay?”

She knew I wasn’t just by looking at me. Was my negative vibe that strong right now? Did I sweat panic beads and they dried on my skin and I stunk? “Yeah, I’m getting there. Not what I needed today, or this trip here…”

“Look, you couldn’t have known that guy was engaged and that bitch of his…,” she said sounding frustrated, “I so wanted her to come at me, I swear...”

Kaley wasn’t one to sit back and take shit. She went after everything full bore and full of energy. Every guy she’d dated since I knew her got that message pretty quickly and didn’t usually stick around after she shut them down for being stupid. I wondered if JJ could handle her, he was overly nice to women at the club, would she call him on it or would he stop that if they ever started dating? As for Jennifer – I could see Kaley mopping the floor with her, so I was smiling after her comment. God that would have been something to see - but probably not very satisfying in the end.

“Okay, start from the beginning. I think I got the basic problem that girl had, but…,” she flashed a devious smile, “You’ve been a busy woman since arriving in Vegas.”

I could feel the rush of blood warming my face and knew I was blushing pretty good. If there was anyone in this world I could talk to about ANYTHING, it was Kaley. Sure, mom was nearly as good as Kaley, but there’s no way I would ever talk about sex with mom - at least not pre-SRS/GRS. Maybe not even after surgery...

I began telling her the story from the beginning. Did she have questions, uncomfortable ones? Hello! Of course she did! I expected this was going to be uncomfortable, but I needed someone to listen to me and get my feelings dealt with - maybe. I did my best to skim over the naughty details, but if she asked, I tried my best to expound on my feelings or explain in further detail. So now, everything I felt about that night with Tyler was tainted, stained, and eating away at my core. I told her as much… I accomplished nothing and didn't advance myself in regards to my transition.

Kaley asked, "Did you feel desired?"

I answered a little embarrassed, "Yes... I felt like who I was supposed to be if that's what you're asking..."

"It is. And, he saw you naked, made you cum, he came..."

"Really? You didn't get that from my dissertation on this?"

"Oh, I got it, but I'm wondering if 'You' got it. If you got that you were desired, wanted, and made him cum..."

"What's that got to do with anything," I asked a little confused with the point she was trying to make.

"Point is, it sounds like he saw you for who you are becoming and in the moment there was a lot of lust going both ways. Yeah, the dude gets no pass for being a slime-ball fuck who cheated on his fiancé, but with the way you describe it he treated you as who you are inside...," she argued trying to make me see some positive in that night.

I had to think about it more and maybe sort of agreed. I countered with, "Maybe he was just trying to conquer a Trans woman? Or get his rocks off? I can't help but feel like he knew I was vulnerable and maybe an easy target..." That last thought depressed me, so I switch up the conversation and told her about Wyatt kissing me last night. That sparked a whole other line of questions and heated conversation. She let me vent my feelings on Wyatt, some more thoughts I had about Tyler, and then I realized I'd been talking nonstop for too long...

She had been listening for almost five minutes without a question or follow-on one or comment, “You need to reset, refocus…” She got up and pulled a bottle of water from the mini-fridge, “Want one?” I nodded ‘Yes’. She handed me a bottle, then sat back down on the love-seat sofa. “Jennifer, she’s screwed, let that bitches shit go. Look, she’ll be married and divorced five, six times over her life time. She’ll end up being an old cat lady, one of those that hang plates on their walls, and certainly - end up alone. That’s not you, that’s not where you’re heading… Tyler - you got something out of it, unfortunately enough crap to wipe out anything good from it. And now this Wyatt guy - tell me again how men aren't interested in you?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the plate thing. I appreciated her points, which were basically saying I wasn’t going to be anything like Jennifer. “I’m impatient about wanting to live my life completely as who I was meant to be – which does me no favors I know. But every mis-gendering, every ‘what-if’ I beat myself up about, not wanting to remember the old me, seeing couples together everywhere, all of it knocks me down and I struggle to get up sometimes…”

“I know Brea, we’ve talked about a lot of this over the past three-years. What am I telling you constantly?”

“Yeah, ‘Best version of myself’,” I said a little whiny.

“And…”

“’Forgive myself’…,” I said like I was replying to someone who’d just scolded me.

“Right! So, reset. What are you here to do? Find love in a town that could care less about anything but being stupid with your money or drinking too much or some fling?”

“I get it Kal’s…,” I said sounding rejected. Augh, pick a feeling and stick with it! Stop being a victim!

“Ok, then if you get it stop playing the victim…,” she said gruffly, “I love you, but I’m not gonna put up with you wallowing on a pity train. Pity, guilt, not standing up for yourself – all toxic… And not that Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ shit…”

She was smiling, and I got it… Reset. Screw Jennifer and Tyler. Forgive myself, learn from this, and move the fuck on… Easier said than done, but it’s what… A knock at the door made me jump again, and after looking at the door I looked at Kaley as if SWAT or someone was going to burst in.

“Probably just your mom,” she said rising and walking to the door. After a quick peak through the peephole she opened the door. I could see Blake and Karen Cole. Oh Jesus! Please don’t be here because of Tyler. I heard Kaley speaking, “Can I help you?”

“Hi, we’re,” Blake began.

“You’re Blake Schultz, I don’t know your partner though…,” Kaley replied.

“Oh… Yes, I’m Blake, this is Karen Cole. We’re running the competition and got a report about an incident involving Breanna,” he made it sound like a question – the incident portion of his statement. He could see me, why not just speak to me? Fuck!

“Come on in…,” I said.

Kaley moved aside and let them in. I was dreading this for so many reasons – but my biggest concern was whether I was about to be kicked out of the competition. Nothing happened, how could they want to kick me out. I could feel my body shiver just thinking about that prospect...

“Hi, Breanna,” Karen started, “Like Blake mentioned, we got a report of an incident near the expo and we’re just here to make sure you’re alright and to see if there’s anything we can do to make you feel safer around the property.”

Blake looked like he wanted to add to what Karen has said but remained silent. “I’ll be fine, thank you for coming to check on me,” I said hoping they weren’t going to press for any details and had gotten enough from the security guards to be satisfied that nothing really happened other than some chick went psycho.

“I saw the report, looks like a misunderstanding, but not something along the lines of the protestors from last night,” Karen continued, “We just want you to feel safe and comfortable with your stay, and of course for the performance tonight.”

“I’m ready to perform and I don’t think there will be any other problems the rest of my stay. I really do appreciate you both checking in on me…” Oh my God! Did Blake read what the guards wrote? What did they write? My stomach rolled and gurgled loudly, "I haven't eaten lunch yet," I said trying to explain away the anxiety loud speaker my stomach was right now.

“Okay… We’ll get out of your hair then. Good luck tonight,” Karen said.

“Yeah, good luck, you could win this thing…,” Blake said as he and Karen made their way to the door. I walked with them and saw them out.

When the door closed I huffed a slow breathe, “Good God… Will this day ever get any better?”

“Reset…,” Kaley said from behind me, “Refocus…”

“Yeah, yeah… I got that,” I said returning to the pile of blankets on the bed I had been wrapped in. Thank God I had thrown a t-shirt on over my bikini top. Augh! Why was it that this swimsuit looked amazing the day I bought it and today - like crap? I tried to remember the day I bought it: sunny, not rushed, the store wasn’t crowded, and my hair and makeup were PERFECT! Wait, that’s it! That’s why my suit looked so much better the day I bought it – perfect hair and makeup. Today, no so perfect… Get over it! Screw the negative feedback looks I might have gotten while at the expo or pool! Reset! Refocus!

“What about Blake,” Kaley asked

“Huh?” Wait a second, Blake? “You talk to my mom,” I sort of snapped at her.

“Easy gurl-fren, she might have mentioned him…,” Kaley said casually.

I chuckled, “Mentioned? She thinks he likes me or something because he’s nice to me…,” I was having trouble expressing how I felt about mom meddling, “He’s nice enough… But what happened to being here to win a singing competition? Reset, refocus?”

“I know, but… He’s a good looking man. What’s he, about twenty-eight,” she asked smiling.

“He’ll be thirty next month…” Why was I indulging her with this line of conversation?

“I said reset, not be celibate…,” she replied with a giggle.

"He's not interested Kaley, I know... He is just, like a guy, that recruited me. I seriously don't get any vibe from him."

"Did you look at him?"

"I saw him, but I was more focused on Karen," I said wondering if I had missed something.

"I watched him... I've seen that look Brea, there's more than a passing interest. My opinion," she said not laying it on all that thick.

"I need a reset and a refocus, not do another fling... Plus, anything with him would be complicated. I'm not...," I sighed, "I'm not ready to put myself out there and get what I got with Tyler..."

"Pretty sure this guy has his shit together... But, stick with the plan. Reset - Refocus. So, we eating room service or what?"

"Yeah, stick with the plan. And, 'Yes', I'm buying room service - the menu is right behind you..."

I watched her pick up the menu, "Oooo, why do Chili Cheese Steak Fries sound good?"

"Sounds like a disgusting to me...," I said laughing, she giggled a bit also.

OK, reset, refocus, eat, get a nap, get some loving from mom, get down to the stage, and sing my ass off! There's no right way to do this Transgender thing, I needed to believe that more than I have lately. I also needed to forgive myself for shit I couldn't control and not take every misstep as a crushing blow to everything I've worked so hard to accomplish during my transition.

Was it like this for others transitioning? It had to be, I can't be the only one feeling adrift or disconnected. As logical as all my inner pep-talk was - it was easier said than done. Truth - I was giving way too much power over my self-perception to society and not enough validation of who I am or who I was meant to be to myself. This competition was a huge opportunity to be visible, to show all Transgendered people were valid - even in this CIS-narrative society we lived in. Reset, refocus, believe in yourself...

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