April 30th will be

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The 30th will mark the second anniversary of actually allowing someone to crack open my skull to remove a meningioma from my brain. I suppose the benefits of it being gone outweigh the problems I had before it was removed, but there are times it's hard to see how.

I used to sit down and compose music with no trouble, but now, I find that the creativity just isn't there. I can orchestrate a pre-existing piece, certainly, but to make something new doesn't seem possible.

There are times that I have to bite my tongue to resist telling someone to find a high cliff and take a running leap, but it's not because of anger like it was before the surgery. Now, it's more from depression. Music was such a massive part of my life, and to find it all but gone is hard to deal with. It's as if a part of me has been excised, and I feel like crying constantly.

I've sat down and tried to MAKE myself compose something, but I don't seem to get past the first few bars.

Maybe it's too soon. 2 years seems to be a bit of time, but I suppose it takes a while for the brain to rewire itself when it's been hurt so much. After all, I'm still tired all the time, so maybe the healing just isn't done, and it's taking all my energy.

Comments

Perhaps...?

Perhaps you have to teach your brain the elements of musical composition again?
I know that I had huge problems concentrating on anything for more than 10-15 minutes after my 'close encounter' with Leukaemia in 2009. It was as if my mind had been pickled in something very thick.
For someone whose job was to write software, this was a huge brick wall standing in my way.
I started writing. At first, it was complete drivel but after a few months, my brain started to work again. It wasn't easy and I can't know what you have gone through with your fight against the big C but at least you are here and functioning as a human being.
If there is one piece of advice I could give you it would be not to panic.
The second would be to stop worrying about not being able to compose. The more you worry, the harder it gets.
I'd be listening to as much music as I could. I'd also be watching artists playing especially those who really know their stuff. Who knows... after a bit you might be working out alternative arrangements to pieces. I watched Eric Clapton add a touch of blues to a Pink Floyd song yesterday and marvelled at how great it sounded.
Don't give up. Please.
Samantha

Time and a good hot bath

crash's picture

A bitter sweet anniversary for sure.

I'm jealous of you for having any musical ability at all. I worked hard at my meager talent for years till I finally learned that I had better stick to playing the radio. Still loss is always tragic. Especially from the inside. I do know that stressing over it will not make the skill return faster. I could shell out more bad advice. But that does not help much either.

I'll just say this then. I'm glad you are still here. I appreciate your work and participation on this forum Which is, of course, they only way I really know you. Skills and talents will be different after such invasive surgery. And two years seems like such a long time.

I usually take cold comfort in my western interpretation of the Buddhist teaching: "Pain comes from desire."

Peace.

Your friend
Crash

So very frustrating...

Andrea Lena's picture

and grievous. And really with no answers. A musical parallel to where Rachel cries out, 'give me children lest I die,' It IS that deeply engrained desire to reproduce...that need for 'children' that is completely understandable. My love to you as you hopefully find that voice once again!
I hope to hear what you've already written someday soon.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Answers are the easy part, it's the doing that's hard!

Uhuru N'Uru's picture

We know enough from the many victims of strokes to know in broad terms what causes loss of learned behaviour, of even the most basic functions like walking, and talking. The brain has been damaged, and how it works is both complicated, yet very simple at the same time, but victims of brain injury, only need to understand the very simple part, which is that when we learn, we initially burn new pathways between already existing nodes, called neurons.

The pathways start out as tiny almost impassable trails hacked through thick jungle, and turning such trails into massive highways of creativity takes a huge amount of effort. A lifetime of effort invested in the old pathways, and has now been lost through injury.

It's why organisations like the army, do training by constant repetition, until their desired behaviour becomes instinctive "Muscle Memory".
Massive multi lane roadways you have built up since birth, have been destroyed by the injury, but your brain is resilient, and can make new trails between the old nodes, or even other adjacent nodes.

It's simple to understand, and relearning any old skill that you've honed to a fine edge since childhood is possible, by going back to basics.
It's just about the most difficult thing, any adult can do though, especially with creative abilities, where unlike walking, and talking, you may not be aware of all the individual components that go to make up the final result.

The only real way to do it right, is assume you lost everything. Start learning the subject (in this case music) as if you don't know anything about it. Parts you may still instinctively know, without ever thinking about it, (I'm not musical, but for instance, can you still recognise the musical scale, are you now tone deaf, whatever is fundamental to the subject). You can quickly run through any elements you still know, until you come to a roadblock, where something you know you once knew well, has now gone.

It's very hard to rewire an adult brain, and some people will never manage it, because they can also learn new undesirable easier trails, and reinforce those undesirable pathways instead. Stroke victims that never even try to relearn the basics, burn new, "I can't do it" pathways, instead of the "I will do it" ones they should.

You're trying to relearn a lifetime of experience, within a few months, it's extremely tough but not impossible, it just takes an immense amount of effort, and no guarantee of the desired result, which to some extent depends on how much, and what parts of the brain were lost.
The only thing that is certain though, is without making the required effort, you will never relearn any lost functionality, with effort you might.


Dark Elven Sissy Slut – Uhuru N’Uru

Thank you for what you said.

Rose's picture

Thank you for what you said.

You're right. When I first sat down at my piano to play, after surgery, I had to think about what I was doing, something I hadn't had to do for over 40 years. I've simply played for year's. The same with playing the trumpet. I had to think about it. But the next time, I was able to play as I always had. It was frightening when I had to think, as I usually can play to remove stress, which was what I was trying to do at the piano that day. It ended up adding to it. Lol.

The creativity is something completely different, though. I think I can do it, because I can know what I want to hear in my own mind. Multitasking is hard though. Anything breaks into what I'm doing, and I've lost it. Any inspiration that I've just had, means I have to -- squirrel! Now where was I? Oh yeah. Means I have to have the inspiration again.

It's why I don't drive much anymore. Since I've driven more intently than many people will ever begin to, the muscle memory is still there, but I easily get distracted. I end up making stupid mistakes that I would never have before, even with 12 screaming kids in the backseat. Or worse, teenagers! Lol! I drove a school bus for awhile, and i'd HATE to try it now!

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Hugs!
Rosemary

Music

If music is anything like writing it has to flow and have a life of its own born out of your subconscious with inspiration.

go for a walk near a river and sit, or walk, and watch the creek/river/canal and see what is there. Follow the flow, the music may just come, or it may not.

There is many many musicians/composers that carbon copy work that is stale. It sells and makes money but there is something missing.

If nothing else sit by a river and listen to its hidden music.

Process

erin's picture

I think it may be that the depression is blocking your creativity, perhaps more than your creative block is producing depression. When I'm depressed, which thankfully is seldom, I know that I cannot find my creative flow in some endeavors. But I can in others.

Negative emotions, and depression is an emotion, endender different cretive impulses than positive ones. Don't get discouraged by the difficulty; if it were easy, there would be a surplus of Mozarts and they would be severely undervalued.

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.