Nathan and Natalie alike made sure to make good on that hope, every time a new switch occurred. When recording on a computer became too inconvenient for them, a file of the increasingly long video was sent to their phone. They could then record their speeches on their drives, on their breaks, anywhere they wanted.

A few days had passed since they started, and still, neither of them had a clue if they were getting somewhere or not. They assumed whatever they were doing was still better than nothing. Being able to talk to the one person who could ever understand their problems, it had to do something.

Nathan was holding his phone right in front of him in the dark of the night, having just finished his newest recording session. He was tired, a long day of working had just passed, and he wanted to go to sleep.

He was afraid to go to sleep.

He figured that listening to the recording would make him feel better, so that’s what he did. He pressed play on his phone, hoping just hearing the conversation play out would be enough to soothe him.

“Natalie: Hey Nathan, I wanted to talk to you again. This is the best way I could think of to do that, and I’d like to keep doing it, if you don’t mind.

Of course, you already know what I’m doing because of the whole… two lives thing… so I guess I didn’t need to tell you.

…Actually, you know what? How about we pretend, just for the sake of it, that we really are different people here, okay? I talk about my issues, you talk about yours, and we act like we don’t already know them. Like we haven’t felt them or experienced them or anything like that. The fact that I am telling you this plan as if you don’t already know it means we’ve already started doing that. Is that good with you? Yes? Good.

Well, to start things off… I’m not sure how I should say this, but being a man is starting to feel like work. It’s just not feeling normal, and I want to feel normal. I don’t even know what that means, it was the only thing I could think of to say, because what I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I can really explain.

I kind of thought that, while being a man, I’d be happy about the good things that came with it. But the novelty of those things actually wore off pretty quickly, and the only thing I’ve been thinking about now is how I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life like this. And I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about that.

I want to live my life the way I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to be Nathan, I have to be Nathan. ‘Natalie’ isn’t real, I know this is my true reality. But it’s becoming harder to accept that every day. It’s so much to handle, and one day I worry I’m gonna crack.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll be stopping the recording here. Hope I see you soon.

Bye.

Nathan: Hey Natalie, I heard what you said. Well, actually I remembered what you said and… oops, I slipped up. Different people, we’re different people.

Anyway, Natalie, it’s okay to admit you don’t like being me. I totally get it, actually. You were a successful woman, and now you’re suddenly put in the life of a very, very pathetic man. Yeah I know I sound bitter, but to be blunt… Nathan wasn’t that great of a guy.

You’ve seen those memories too, right? Is Nathan Parker someone who's worth remembering? He wasn’t a very good person… I wasn’t a very good person.

When I think of myself, all I can see is a man, alone in his apartment, shoving alcohol down his throat. And then waking up the next morning and throwing up in the toilet. I didn’t even have a reason for not talking to my family anymore, it just happened, just like how my drinking problem and dropping out of college just happened. Really, when have I ever helped the world out by existing? Everyone and everything seemed better when I was Natalie.

…I guess I talked about my problems too much and didn’t focus on yours. Umm, sorry.

I’m not sure how I would solve being me as not feeling ‘normal’. Maybe you could try not thinking about it? …No, I don’t think that would work. Maybe you could try it though.

But I think maybe you should just admit to yourself that you liked being you. There’s no shame in that. You were a much better person than me.

I hope that helped somewhat. Umm, I’ll be going then, bye.

Natalie: No, please don’t feel bad about talking about your problems, that’s why we’re doing this, after all.

You put yourself down way too much. I’ve met some awful people in my time, you’re not one of them. You were a good man, Nathan, twenty-four years is only a fraction of your life, you deserved to live it fully.

I remember when I was you, you thought that you deserved what happened to you. And I can’t just not bring that up.

Nathan, don’t tell yourself those things, don’t think those things about yourself. You have as much of a right to exist as anyone else in this world. No one deserved what happened to you. And I can say that because I know everything he did to you. Everything that he did to you, he did to me too.

You were killed, Nathan, killed to make me, and that’s why I can’t be Natalie. Because every time I think about being Natalie, I think about being… his. I don’t want to be his, and I don’t want to think about him, but I can’t stop myself.

I know, I should admit that I don’t like being you, and don’t like being a man. And I will. I shouldn’t keep lying to myself and saying that I do like it. I don’t think being a man is something I’ll ever be completely fine with. I don’t think it’ll ever feel normal, not the way being a woman did. There’s always going to be some things about being a woman that I’ll miss. But, I just… can’t go back, Nathan. The alternative is so much worse.

If I go back to being Natalie, all I’d think about is being his servant. A girl who he shows around as if he owns her. And he’d be right to, because he did own me. I was his personal perfect girlfriend, his own little sex slave. I was his creation. He wanted a girl who could never say no to him. If I go back to being Natalie, I feel like I’ll be… validating what he wanted.

When I think about my life… I just get disgusted because I know it was all fake. None of that shit happened. He made it up. I never should’ve been made, never should’ve existed. The only reason I’m here is the same reason why a man is in prison for twenty-five years. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish I had pulled the trigger that night.

…Sorry, I got carried away there. I didn’t mean I’d actually… I’d never want to kill you.

I remember you asking how the world was made better by you existing. Well, how about that eagle project of yours? The announcement building on the baseball field at our high school. That wasn’t in my reality, you were never there to build it. That’s a tangible way you made the world a better place.

It’s much more than what I’ve done.

Nathan: Why does it matter where you come from? There’s a lot of people in this world whose birth came from a bad history. Why should it matter? What’s the point in dwelling on it? They exist now, and that’s all that matters.

I remember you saying how you felt awful when you learned that you were created by a man, but is that really how you’re going to think of yourself? How you’re going to think of your whole life? You have a unique life full of accomplishments that you really put the work in for. You made a ton of friends and had a family that cared about you. You worked hard to keep your life in order. And you’re just going to attribute all of that to him? This man told you… told us that we were his sex slave and you just believe him?

Kate, our mom, and dad actually like you, they don’t like me. They kept worrying about how badly I was messing up my life. I can’t blame them for that, I was ruining my future, just like I ruin everything.

You told me to stop putting myself down so much, to stop thinking I deserve what he did to me, and to stop saying awful things about myself. You know that goes for you too.

Natalie: You don’t get it. All that work was him, not me. I know you know how I feel about this, but you just can’t get it unless you’re me. I am not a real person. The way I act, the way I think, the way I walk, even the way I’m talking right now is probably his doing. It’s not like I can just ‘get over’ every part of me being fake.

Do you even understand what he did? Nathan, when he was grabbing your ass without your consent, making comments about your body and how you look even after you told him to stop. When he made you want to lay on his shoulder? When he made you want him? It made you feel gross, didn’t it? I know it did because I felt the same way when he did all that too.

Are you afraid of what we’re going to have to relive once we fall asleep again? Are you afraid of everything he made you… us do that we don’t know about yet?

That’s my theory about the man we keep seeing right before we fall asleep. I used to think it was you, but I don’t think so anymore. He’s what we don’t want to see, but have to.

I know for a fact that you hate seeing him as much as I do.

Nathan: You’re right, I do hate seeing him. I hate seeing anything that reminds me of what we’re doing right now, what we still have to do to stay sane. I wish our life wasn’t like this. I just want all these problems to go away. I want to move on, I hate thinking about this stuff.

I want to be whole again. With my memories like this, I feel like I’m living half a life. I hate that, I need you with me.

I can’t do this alone.

…I’m scared.”

And that was where the recording ended.

Nathan shut off his phone and set it aside, pulling up his covers and staring at the dark ceiling.

He was still as scared as he was when he said those words in the recording.

“I’m scared.”

Over three weeks had passed since they first returned to this reality. At this point, the potion was almost empty, not even a quarter of it was left. Soon it’d be back to daily nightmares. Having to experience the next awful thing on the list Astian made him do.

God, just thinking that name made him shiver.

He lied in his bed waiting for his fear to subside. It never happened. It didn’t happen when he was fighting back heavy eyelids and it didn’t happen when he actually saw the increasingly transparent man looking out the window just before he fell asleep.

He wanted to say he was prepared for anything one of these memories could show him. That he was over being afraid. But he wasn’t.

Whatever he was about to see, he wasn’t ready for.