And here I am hard at work in my writer's studio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSE4ac6gaRQ&NR=1
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by Laika Pupkino
In the current chapter (#14) of Tyla Flowers' powerful gritty tale SECONDARY EDUCATION, her young
transsexual heroine Tyla is enrolled in a Los Angeles high school for gay & transgender youth called EAGLES.
It's a real place, and here's a link to an article, actually a chapter from a book (Transparent, by Chris Beam...) that tells about EAGLES. It is not a school any caring parent would want to send their kid to, but as described in both Tyla's story and this book most of these kids have no parents, or their folks kicked them out to go live on the street, or et cetera. The funding for this institution sounds like it's next to nil, the curriculum haphazard; about the best thing you can say about EAGLES is that here the gay and t.g. and t.s. kids are not freaks,
and they have each other for support. Anyway, the article is quite an eye opening read, and here it is:
I've read quite a few stories here at BigCloset about people who feel like children inside, and who (I assume) feel that their adult bodies are wrong for them, who become kids with the help of benevolent witches, either as a temporary vacation from adult life, or permanently. The Little Kid's Camp stories for example. Some of these tales I like. Who wouldn't want to live in a world that has unicorns in it? And the adventures are usually fun (The young woman spying on the witches, not trusting what they're up to, and getting caught. Or the nasty old biddy---a real piece of work for all appearances---being rehabilitated as the little boy she'd always needed to be). And the kids are........Well, kids are cute.
But I can't say these stories really speak to a longing in my soul, the way they obviously do for others. Unless this is something I have been totally repressing. And it's possible, it wouldn't be the first time I've been struck by a realization of this magnitude. By this of course I'm referring to my Gender Identity Dilemna ("disorder" sounds too clinical), this all-too hairy body with the wrong sorts of accoutrements that I find my lovely self stuck in; An experience that I imagine brings me closer to being able to understand "Age Dysphoria" than the gender-complacent majority. But not totally understanding it.
I assume it's the same sort of thing as GID, only about age (and not an old broad's desire to be 21 again just to be sexier or add years to her life) and about body size (and not for the sake of looking good in something slinky, or wanting to be relatively powerless in the hands of one's beau...); And also, I'm going out on a limb here, correct me if I'm wrong......there seems to be some appeal in being pre-sexual; which I react to with the same bafflement that a typical male experiences when confronted with the notion of someone like me wanting to shed their teste-monials to manhood. Only without the same visceral dread and sense of indignation they seem to bring to matters of male and female. Kid-hood doesn't seem like a WRONG thing to want to me, only unfamiliar to my own sense of self...
I can have a blast being a little kid---totally grokking being 7 or 8---for about twelve minutes, and then I get bored and want to go read essays and comments and arguments about writing technique and rules and stuff. I can get into it much longer when I am hanging out with pets, chasing the dog to one end of the house and then fleeing in pretend panic while she chases me, and then rearing up so that I'M the chaser in this pointless game. It's giggly good fun, I'm good for about an hour there, tops.
I seem to recall that even as a kid I wasn't much of a kid. More like the somber, suit-wearing Barry Gordon in that offbeat 1960's comedy 1000 CLOWNS, if you ever saw that...
I may actually be more of a child nowadays. Some aspect of my personality are childlike* and rather girlish, certain toys and cute cartoon characters really appeal to me (along the bottom my flatscreen here I've stuck this adorable little plastic blue fairy that I got out of the gumball machines at the front of the supermarket, a more sensible use of my pocket change than the slot machines, who I like to pretend participates in and helps my writing, sprinkling it with pixie dust or whatever), or the happy shapes and primary colors of an Alexander Calder mobile. But these aspects seem integrated into my personality, not like there is this other, realer person inside me who feels oppressed by the age that I present to the world...
So what this whole blog is about here, is a request. I would very much like to hear from someone who experiences this Age Dysphoria first-hand. I would love to read an account of it, an essay of whatever length posted hereabouts, about what it feels like, what it means about you and your place in the world.
If you're COMFORTABLE doing this, that is. I imagine such a coming out could be scary, most of us here have had experiences with judgement of and hostility to who we are. But hopefully you can tell from what I'm saying that I am not going to judge whatever you have to say about this aspect of yourself. And I bet very few others here would either.
I just want to understand this better, to have another piece in the big puzzle of life. If not with the perfect understanding of someone who lives it, then better than I do now...
Love, and thank you for letting me be myself...
Laika.
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* Note that I said child-like. Childish doesn't count, a lot of adults are childish. In popular usage it usually just means being a jerk. We've ALL done that.
GENDER PSYCHOLOGY TEST:
Here is an interesting test that I found on the Internet. I cannot vouch for its accuracy or authenticity. As this test was posted in early 2007, the promised answers to the grading of this seem long overdue.
~~hugs, LAIKA
This test has been formulated by a team of experts employing the most up to date methodology and rock solid empirical guesswork to determine once and for all if the inner you is a red-blooded real man, a natural woman, or what the heck. Take as long as you like. Answers will be posted next week.
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1.))) A CO-WORKER COMES TO YOU UPSET, WANTING TO TALK ABOUT HER LATEST CONFLICT WITH HER MEAN AND UNREASONABLE SUPERVISOR. AS SHE SPEAKS, YOU:
{.A} — Offer various possible solutions to her problem, such as transferring to a different department.
{.B} — Listen, wishing you could do more to help her.
{.C} — Listen, knowing she just needs to get her feelings out.
{.D} — Pretend to listen while you stare creepily at her tits.
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2.))) WHICH OF THESE OPTIONS BEST DESCRIBES YOU? I WOULD RATHER:
{.A} — Cut out paper dolls.
{.B} — Solve complicated mathematical problems.
{.C} — Go shopping for shoes at the mall.
{.D} — Blow up the World.
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3.))) A TRAIN LEAVES CHICAGO AT 7:15 AM ON A THURSDAY HEADING WEST AT 40 MILES PER HOUR AND CARRYING 40 PASSENGERS. WITH EACH MILE IT TRAVELS IT INCREASES ITS SPEED BY 12%. WHAT WAS THE LADY IN THE LAST SEAT IN THE THIRD CAR WEARING?
{.A} — What lady? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with the train's acceleration?
{.B} — Too much perfume. She smelled like a dang French hoor-house!
{.C}— If that was a Louis Vuitton, I'm Eva Longoria.
{.D} — Hey wait a minute, I really AM Eva Longoria!
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4.))) WHEN I SEE A MOUSE I:
{.A} — Faint.
{.B} — Capture it and release it outside.
{.C} — Have an excuse to try out my new flame thrower.
{.D} — Attempt to fornicate with it.
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5.))) — IN MY OPINION, DR. PHIL:
{.A} — Is a square shooter who tells it like it is.
{.B} — Seems sincere if somewhat pat and simplistic. Given the kind of show his is, he could be a lot worse.
{.C} — Is a phony, a fraud, a sham, a charlatan, that's right, a dangerous smug charlatan who gets rich exploiting gullible fools with his dunderheaded pop-psych pablum, his shallow pretense of compassion;
A loathesome smirking egomaniacal sick pig of an excuse for a human being-
I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, OH GOD I HATE HIM!!!
{.D} — Is a big ol' Daddy cuddle bunny!
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6.))) MY FAVORITE COLOUR IS:
{.A} — Blue
{.B} — Pink
{.C} — Black
{.D} — C major (I have synesthesia)
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7.))) WHICH QUEEN WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?
{.A} - Latifah
{.B} - Elizabeth II
{.C} - Queen of the Desert
{.D} - Freddie Mercury
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8.))) WHICH OF THESE LINES IS LONGER?
{.A} — The red one.
{.B} — The blue one.
{.C} — This has gotta be a trick question, so I'll say the bottom one.
{.D} — It doesn't matter. That blue line is every bit as good as the red one
(look at it smirking there like it thinks it's so damn perfect!)
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9.))) I WOULD RATHER READ:
{.A} — Elle
{.B} — Games For Windows
{.C} — Field and Stream
{.D} — Incontinence Supply Catalogs
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10.))) WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD I:
{.A} — Liked to dress up in camoflage fatigues and pretended I was a mercenary.
{.B} — Liked to dress up in my mother's underwear and pretend I was a beautiful lady.
{.C} — Liked to dress up in my father's underwear and pretend I was passed out drunk on the couch.
{.D} — Created quite a scandal when I refused to wear clothes altogether.
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11.))) OF THE FOUR CHOICES BELOW, MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS:
{.A} — Demolition Man
{.B} — Cinderella Man
{.C} — Little Mermaid Man
{.D} — Sissy Boy Slap Party =====> Check it out. Simply the finest movie ever made
about sissy boy slap parties! = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMoMSX_W3N8 )
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ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK'S QUIZ, THE NORTH DAKOTA WELLNESS AND BETTERMENT INSTITUTE'S WHAT-YOUR-FAVORITE-BASKIN-ROBBINS-ICE-CREAM-FLAVOR-SAYS-ABOUT-YOUR-PERSONALITY TEST:
SUGAR FREE NO FLAVOR SORBET: Some would call you an ascetic. You favor long term gain over instant gratification.
VANILLA: While not as austere as the sorbet lover above, you're a traditionalist, and somewhat on the cautious side. But dependable and easy to like.
ROCKY ROAD: You're a realist, expecting no special treatment in life.
FUGU SURPRISE: You're never one to play it safe. A restless soul, you continually seek the new and the strange. The music you listen to gives people a headache.
QUADRUPLE CHOCOLATE APOCALYPSE: When you find a good thing you take it to extremes, which gives you a gusto for life but also a propensity toward every sort of addiction. Romantically you work best with Sagittarius; stay away from Pisces.
MR. CREOSOTE'S MEANING OF LIFE MINT: As contemptible as you are you will get your just deserts.
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“And for your third wish: ABRACADABRA! Congratulations, Madame Secretary!”
“MADAM?! You turned me into a woman!”
“A woman who runs the U.S. Department of Commerce; The job you wished for.”
“But I'm female! And what's this sash I'm wearing?”'
“You're now Dakota Wildhack, Miss Atlantic City 1997. Your boss expects you to wear that.”
“Ridiculous! I have a Phd in Economics!”
“Not anymore, you don't. But you're blonde, buxom, photogenic; with fantastic legs! Exactly the qualifications he prizes.”
“B-But this wasn't what I wanted!”
“Don't worry then... You're getting fired next week.”
Most of you are probably familiar with the Kinks song Lola, which along with Lou Reed's Walk On The Wild Side helped bring the transgendered into the public consciousness in the early 1970's (excuse the "academic asswipese" tone here, this is just one-draft filler since I didn't wanna just post the song by itself...)
There have always been hints of a gay and t.g. themes in the Kinks' music ("Is she big is she small, is she a she at all, who's on my party line*?", or that girl singer who drops from a lovely soprano into an obviously male singing voice (Surprise!!!) in the video of their musical Preservation Act...); but Lola was an AM radio hit, and groundbreaking in the tale it told: An unworldly young man meets a woman and in the course of falling for her discovers she's not genetically female. There's humor in it (she's apparently strong enough to pick him up and put him on her knee!) but rather than making Lola an object of derision it's actually quite sweet. In his moment of panic he pushes her away and heads for the door, but doesn't even get that far before realizing that he loves and accepts Lola. A pretty right-on song for its day, or any day...
Fewer people have heard of the Kink's other transgender-themed song, which appeared on the album MISFITS later in the 70's. It's wasn't as catchy, more of a ballad than a rock and roll tune (I don't have any info on it, I'm transcribing these lyrics from a cassette copy of the vinyl album I sold years ago, but I assume it was written by Ray Davies. Sure sounds like one of his...), and never made the music charts that I know of. It's about a transvestive and his wife, telling a tale not unlike many you'll find here at BCTS, and is called:
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HE'S OUT OF THE WARDROBE
Has anybody here seen a chick called Dick
He looks really burly but he's really hip,
He's six feet tall and his arms are all brown and hairy.
He married Betty Lou back in '65
when you had to be butch to survive,
But lately he's been lookin' at his wife with mixed emotion...
You see, he's not a commonplace closet queen
He shouldn't be hidden, he should be seen...
'Cause when he puts on that dress he looks like a princess.
Well the day he came out of the wardrobe Betty Lou got quite a surprise,
She didn't know whether she should get angry or not bat an eye.
She really couldn't call up her Mama,
Mama would positively die,
Should she go upstairs, should she try to get a trial separation?
You see, he's not a faggot as you might suppose
He just feels restricted in conventional clothes...
'Cause when he puts on that dress, he feels like a princess.
He's not a dandy, he's only living out a fantasy;
He's not a pansy, he's only being what he wants to be;
Now his life is rearranged, and he's grateful for the change-
He's out of the wardrobe and now he's got no regrets.
Betty Lou didn't know what to do at first
But she's learning to cope at last,
She got the best of both worlds and she's really in a state of elation.
She says that it helps our relationship,
Says a change is as good as a rest,
And their friends are finally comin' round to their way of thinking...
She wears the trousers and smokes a pipe,
He does the dishes, she helps him wipe...
'Cause when he puts on that dress he looks like a princess.
He's out of the wardrobe and he's feelin' alright,
He's out of the wardrobe and he's feelin' satisfied.
Now it's farewell to the past, his secret's out at last
He's out of the wardrobe, and now he's got no regrets.
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I hope you found this worth the time it took you to read it. I thought it was worth a blog anyway, and had been meaning to post this for a while now. I'm back on the internet. Huzzah!
~~~hugs all, Laika
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[* Remember party lines? This was something phone providers used to do that mercifully was phased out several decades ago (at least where I've lived) as the technology improved. You'd pick up your phone and hear someone talking, and if you were sneaky and uncouth enough you could actually listen in on your neighbor's conversation, but most people just quietly hung up and then swore, because you couldn't make your own call until your party line partner had finished theirs. I think there were usually 3 or 4 households on a party line, so it could get pretty annoying...]
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I don't know how relevant this blog will be to anyone who isn't reading my story PLAY NICE, but...
AND NOW FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VERSION OF WHAT TEDDI DID IN PART 8 OF PLAY NICE; WHICH MAYBE WE COULD SAY WAS A DREAM THAT TEDDI HAD SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHT BETWEEN CHAPTERS SEVEN AND EIGHT ......... IT BEGINS WITH A BRIEF, ALTERNATE VERSION OF GRANDMA & TEDDI'S DEPARTURE FROM PAPA'S HOSPITAL ROOM IN #7:
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....and with that Grandma grabbed me by the arm and literally dragged me out of the room, into the corridor, where all her rage with Papa evaporated as if it hadn't been real in the first place.
"You winked," I remarked.
"That I did," she chuckled, "I'm only staying away from here tomorrow, but being stuck in bed like that it should seem like a week, and hopefully he'll learn some gratitude for the fact that anyone would want to visit a nasty old sourpuss like him."
"I'll stay away too then. I guess I'll rent that rug shampooer and clean the upstairs, like I was planning on doing at some point."
"That doesn't sound fun at all."
"But I did plan to help out around the place, and the carpet needs it. There's this one spot, I don't know what someone spilled on there, but it's-"
"You want to help me out? Let's go have some fun. I need that a lot more right now. We can check out that new water park my coven sister Birda told me about. Supposedly they're going to to stay open for as long as this heat wave lasts."
"Water park? Where's this?"
"Out on the coast someplace. It just opened this year. Birda told me there was something special about the place, but she wouldn't say what exactly. I have an extra swimsuit that should fit you. You wanna go?"
"I guess. Sure. It'd be nice to go somewhere with you that wasn't a hospital."
"And ask Joey if he'd want to come too."
I wasn't crazy about this, but how could I bitch about him not partaking in wholesome recreational activities and then not invite him on a family outing like this? "All right, I will."
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||| WEDNESDAY OCT 8 ~~~
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And I would have, but he hadn't didn't come home all night and was still gone when Grandma picked me up in the Lincoln at 8:30 in the morning. We jumped onto the Bruce Springsteen Turnpike [NO!!! MAPQUEST ACTUAL ROUTE...] and headed for the Atlantic.
Perhaps a bit unfairly to Grandma Rosa, I pictured her loaner swimsuit as some 1911 thing with long sleeves and a ruffled knee-length skirt, but it was fairly normal looking, a no nonsense white one-piece suit like a competitive swimmer might've worn 40 years ago, with an optional matching rubber cap like a theatrical bald wig that I opted not to wear. I would have worn a bikini like the one Grandma had on (guess what color) if that's what she had offered me, but I was kind of glad it wasn't. I wasn't too sure about wearing something skimpier than my briefs and bra in front of a bunch of guys...
I needn't have worried about that though, because there didn't seem to be a single male person in the place. I asked the girl running the snackbar, "What is this, Ladies' Day?"
"It's always Ladies' Day at here," she giggled, her tone full of inside jokes and implications.
Cool, I thought, a lesbian water park! Leave it to my grandma to find a place like this.
But after quite a few trips down the park's amazing water slides (in one of which I was actually carried UPWARD by the rushing water far longer than it would've seemed possible) and a lunch of calimari sandwiches as good as Eddie could've whipped up, I realized that while there did seem to be some gay girls here---a little discreet smooching here and there---this wasn't a lesbian joint per se. Although I was still convinced there was something unusual about this water park.
Then after I overheard a conversation about a "Lifetime Pass---a woman begging her friend (Girlfriend? Wife?) to let her get one with the desperation of someone needing a life-saving operation---I had the peculiar notion that the reason I couldn't see any men here was because all the men who entered had been turned into women somehow.
Those four boisterous jocks I'd seen tromping in through the park's front gate ahead of us- were they now this quartet of hardbodied girls kicking ass and taking names in the volleyball game over on the lagoon's fake white beach?
But this was such a crazy idea, I couldn't see myself going up to someone and asking, "Excuse me, were you always a female?"
Besides there was one man here, so there went that whole insane theory. A white-haired, long-bearded old guy with a bathrobe on over his swimtrunks, who seemed quite energetic for his advanced age as he sat at a table under a metal umbrella having an animated conversation with the woman who ran the place.
They nodded mysteriously as Grandma approached them, an acknowledgement, and she spent the whole rest of our day at the water park yacking with them.
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YES, THEY HAD WOUND UP AT BIKINI BEACH, THAT MTF TRANSFORMATION WATERPARK OF T.G. FICTION FAME, WHERE GRANDMA MET UP WITH HER FELLOW SORCERORS- BIKINI BEACH'S OWNER AND THE SPELLS R US WIZARD...
IF NOTHING ELSE THIS VERSION OF TEDDI'S WEDNESDAY WAS FUN TO WRITE; AND I DID MANAGE TO SALVAGE A SENTENCE OR 2 FROM IT & STICK THEM HERE & THERE IN THE "REAL" VERSION ........ SOMETHING LIKE THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN FINE IN SOME OTHER STORY, BUT I SOON REALIZED IT WAS ABYSMALLY WRONG FOR THIS ONE, AND WENT BACK TO WHAT I HAD IN MY OUTLINE, WHICH SERVED TO ADVANCE PLAY NICE'S PLOTLINE (YES THERE IS ONE, I THINK...) & CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT A BIT BETTER.
PART #9 SHOULD BE FINISHED AND POSTED BY NEXT WEDNESDAY.