Following the formation of Alpha Rho, Allison is suddenly tasked with helping another transgender girl in a perilous situation.
“Look at that, we did it!” Remy said happily, slapping what looked like a massive cup she’d sat on the kitchen table. “We hit them right where it hurts!”
I looked up from my phone and glanced over at the table. Was that a trophy or a soup bowl on steroids?
“You did…what?” I was almost afraid to ask.
“We got Pi Lambda Sigma’s Greek Week trophy! Now we just have to figure out what we’re going to do with it!” Laura beamed.
“You…broke into their house and took their trophy?” I sort of gaped over at the table. What was even happening here?
“That’s what they get for calling me basic,” Remy shrugged. “And you’re my girlfriend, you should be supporting me. Tell me I did a good job!”
“Uh…”I started to say, but was rudely interrupted by Veronica rushing out of the kitchen with a piece of what I could only assume was banana nut bread on a white plate accompanied by a fork.
“Allison!” She practically shrieked. “I did it! I cooked my first loaf off zucchini bread! I want you to have the first taste!”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t banana nut bread. Is there really a difference anyway?
“Oh…wow,” I said with a smile. “I am…I am so honored!”
“Come on, try it!” She said, pushing the plate toward me. In the least few weeks I’d seen this girl burn a hard boiled egg, somehow transform no-bake cookies into brownies, and set a banana on fire. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into here. I gingerly took the plate and glanced at her, giving her another quick smile before I took the fork between two fingers and cut a piece of the bread. I could already tell this was going to be a disaster; bread isn’t supposed to be that tough. I pursed my lips a bit and lightly shoved a piece into my mouth and chewed it, making a mock ‘mmmm’ sound as I nodded toward her.
“That is AMAZING,” I said with a smile. “You are going to ace that cooking class.”
It tasted like moldy concrete and goat piss.
“Thank you SO much!” She jumped up and down a bit, clapping her hands before rushing back into the kitchen, presumably to cook something that would kill the president of Pi Lambda Sigma. I blinked a bit before shaking my head to clear it and walked toward the table where Remy and Laura were still admiring the stolen trophy. Ignoring that for a moment I got right down to business.
“Hey so Remy?” I said, holding the plate and trying to strike the cutest possible pose. “I was wondering if maybe we could talk about um…the trans inclusion stuff? I kind of drew up a draft for-“
“Hey, hon?” Remy placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. I kind of melted. “Right now I’m REALLY busy with some house finance stuff. I literally don’t have time to think about anything else-“
“Other than stealing trophies?” I glanced at the massive cup sitting on the table.
“Okay, other than stealing trophies, but that was a matter of honor, dear,” She smirked at me.
“Yep,” Laura said. “No one calls our president ‘basic’ and gets away with it.”
“Okay,” I said, rolling my eyes. “The thing is, I have like a ton of questions. We’re accepting trans rushes but what does that mean exactly? How many do we take? What are the requirements? Do they need to be on hormones? Do they need to be presenting female? Is it on a case by case basis? I’m trying to figure out how we can make choices without looking like discriminating assholes-“
“Allison!” Remy interrupted me and laughed. “Honey, when is rush?”
“Well, next year,” I conceded. “But-“
“But nothing!” She laughed. “Look, I know you’re all gung ho about this, but like, seriously, take a few days, relax. You made it into a sorority, you’re a sister, have some fun with it. Yeah there’s going to be a ton of work but why don’t you go out and like, hang out with people? Maybe go soak up some of that well-earned fame around campus?”
To be honest I’d been avoiding the outside world pretty hard other than going to class; I had already been a YouTube sensation and the fame was a little more than I could handle. Remy had pretty much torn me a new butthole, telling me that as a journalism major I should really come to expect fame. She was right but dammit I was in college; I wasn’t a world class reporter, or a war correspondent yet, was I? She was right though, eventually I was going to have to make an appearance, especially if I wanted to keep this thing going. Besides, what the hell did I have to complain about? I’d started the school year as a geeky guy who dreamed of being a girl and now, I was a girl living in a sorority house. How did that even happen?
“You’re right,” I smiled. “I should really get out, get some fresh air, meet a cute girl or…buy a video game.”
“That’s the spirit!” She laughed. “I hear you love video games, Brianna tells me you play a lot of Elber Scrolls.”
“Elder Scrolls,” I corrected. “But uh…yeah, I mean, I guess I could hook up my PS3.”
“A PS3? You’re a gamer and you don’t even have a 4 yet?”
“I’m a little behind,” I shrugged.
“Oh boy,” She laughed. “Well get caught up, have some fun, and um…maybe next week we can talk about our policies, okay? I have a lot of things to do so…”
“So you’ll need some zucchini bread?” I suggested with a smile, handing the plate to her.
“That sounds absolutely perfect,” She said as she took the plate. “Now go, have some fun!”
I bounded up the stairs toward the room I was now sharing with Veronica. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but Remy still had the presidential suite and she wasn’t giving it up anytime soon and I spent less time in there than you would think. She was always so busy and at the end of the day, half the time we were so tired that we would just collapse into our individual beds. You know, in the beginning of our relationship the cuddling really had been nice, but as time went on I realized it was just a sweaty affair with another person breathing down the back of your neck, and you being afraid to get up and go to the bathroom because you might wake the other person up. The perils of being the little spoon, I swear.
As I walked through the hallway and passed by one of the rooms I recoiled as a pair of panties slammed into the side of my face.
“What the hell Lila?” I shrieked as I practically slammed into the wall. “Oh…oh my…oh my god!”
“I am SO sorry,” Lila said as she came out of her room and peeled them off of my face. I cringed and nearly curled up into the fetal position. “I um…they were my favorite and I just got…mad.”
I stared at her, trying to speak but the words just weren’t coming. I sputtered a few things here and there, I think they were obscenities.
“It won’t happen again, okay?” She said. “Besides, I didn’t even know it was starting, and I’m ready now! Next time I throw a pair of panties into the hall in anger they won’t be um…you know.”
“Uh..huh…” I muttered quietly as I quickly ran from her, down the hall and toward my room. Holy shit this day was off to a great start.
My room was empty, apart from my belongings of course. Veronica must have been off somewhere doing something productive, like I should be. I’m pretty sure she volunteered at a soup kitchen on Saturdays, or the animal shelter, or…whatever it was she was into. Maybe I should get into something like that; Remy had told us that our own volunteer hours could count toward the sorority’s philanthropy hours for the month so it was worth a try, right? Pushing those thoughts out of my mind I found my purse and touched up my makeup in the vanity mirror before heading out.
“Hey, you!” Remy said as I walked down the stairs and toward the front door. “Take this back, bitch.”
I reached out and took the plate of zucchini bread from her which was now half eaten. I could tell from the look on her face that she was less than happy. I fought the urge to smirk but I think I lost. She shook her head and started to turn away when a there came a knock at the door.
“Could one of you get that?” Laura called over.
“Yeah,” I’ve got it,” I said. Anything to get away from Remy and her death glare. I brushed past her, still feeling her eyes upon me as I made my way toward the door. I was still a little apprehensive as I opened it, I don’t know why. I was kind of reminded of those days back in my dorm, especially during rush week when I’d stepped cautiously into the hallway, looking both ways to make sure no one saw me. I shouldn’t be afraid at this point, people knew who I was and it wasn’t like I was hiding some big secret anymore. Force of habit, I guess. I pulled the door open with the patent smile that Remy insisted Alpha Rho members wear when they greeted people at the door, but I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. It was a boy, about my age I think, tussled blonde hair and, freckles, and one of his eyes blackened, maybe from a fist. I looked him over carefully, took note of his long sleeves and his timid demeanor. He could barely keep eye contact with me, and he was tense. Like he wanted to run. “Hi…” I said cautiously.
He looked up at me for a moment, but his eyes quickly darted away, then came back to me as he tried to force words through split and blistered lips. I was starting to get freaked out, it wasn’t the first time I’d seen something like this. Finally he spoke, his voice cracking a bit.
“Are…are you Allison Parsons?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Yes, I am, who are you?” I tilted my head.
“Please,” He said. Please…help me.”
I stared at the guy for a full minute trying to discern who he might be, then it finally occurred to me to actually ask him.
“What do you need help with?” I asked with genuine concern. He really was worse for wear and I thought about inviting him in but I really didn’t want to bring a boy into the house. “What happened to your face?”
“I…” He said, shifting uncomfortably on the porch, his eyes darting to the left and right as if he was excepting something to come at him. “I don’t want to…I’m afraid to say…”
“You’re going to have to say something,” Remy said, walking up behind me. “Otherwise you can just get on your way.”
“Hey, wait up,” Laura strode toward us and moved past me. She stood in front of the boy and looked at his face, trying to make eye contact. She went so far as to gently place a hand under his chin and lift his head. “Did someone hurt you? Allison for god’s sake, don’t you have any empathy?”
“It was…um…” He stuttered and then looked down again. Laura quickly wrapped an arm around him and guided him into the house, bringing him to the common room and instructing him to sit on the couch.
“Someone hurt you,” She said. “And you came here, looking for Allison specifically. I think we can all put the pieces together here.”
“We can?” I asked curiously. I had no idea what the hell was going on.
“What’s your name?” Laura asked the boy.
“It’s um..it’s Tyler,” He said quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on the carpet. I was starting to recognize his expression, it was so similar to mine when I’d first come to this house. He had that whole deer in headlights thing going on for sure.
“Are you sure?” Laura asked, taking a knee in front of him and looking into his eyes for a moment as we stood and looked on. “Do you…have another name you go by?”
Now I was interested. Was this guy trans? Why hadn’t I picked up on it? Of course, at some point in my life I should probably accept that transdar isn’t real, and maybe, just make there had been fifty billion other signs since he’d shown up on the porch, but who was counting? I looked at him for a moment and kind of internally pleaded for him to say no. If he was a trans girl and if he…she had come here seeking my help, then I suddenly had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.
“It’s…it’s…um…” He trailed off again, I could see tears forming at the corners of his eyes. I finally bent down and laid a had on his shoulder.
“Hey,” I said quietly. “It’s okay, you’re safe here, I promise.”
“Are you sure?” His voice cracked as he finally looked up at me. I did my best to smile, though I wasn’t sure who I was to be making promises like that.
“I…yes, yes, I promise,” I said. At least I didn’t cross my heart and hope to die.
“My name is Angela,” He said finally. I didn’t have to wonder what it felt like for her to say that name out loud, I’d been there. I remembered how much help I’d needed back then. Holy shit this was intense.
“Angela,” I said. “It’s very nice to meet you. Can you tell us what you’re running from?”
“It’s…my…it’s my dad,” She finally said. “I…he didn’t like the way…you know, the way I was. I came out to my parents and they said it was the devil, and they…called our pastor. He….said there was a way to cure people like me.”
“That’s horrible,” Remy said softly. “What did they do to you? Did they send you somewhere?”
“There was this place, it was like…a church camp kind of. They sent me there. It was um…Camp Chipenwood…”
“Camp Chipenwood?” Remy said. “That’s literally right up the road, I thought it was just a summer camp.”
“They made us do things, like…they made us read Bible verses and…we had these guides who would teach us how to be ‘manly’, I guess. I wasn’t doing…a good job of it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked curiously. “What did you do wrong? Well I mean you didn’t do anything wrong but…did they hurt you? Did they give you that black eye?”
“They…I guess….I could just show you..” Angela reached downward and lifted her pant legs, revealing an array of bruises that nearly made me vomit. Her legs had been beaten black and blue, I couldn’t tell with what.
“Angela,” Remy said quietly. “How old are you?”
“I’m uh…when they sent me away I was seventeen…that was…um…in 2018…what’s the date?”
“Do you have like, a license or a state ID or something?” Laura asked her. She held her hand out as Angela reached into her back pocket, removed her wallet and handed her the state ID - not a license; obviously she wouldn't have one. I briefly took note of her bruised fingertips. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“She’s eighteen,” Laura said, handing the ID back. “So what do we do?”
“Um, sidebar,” Remy said, pulling me to my feet and practically dragging me to the meeting room across the foyer. Laura followed. “Allison you’re not in any condition to start helping people. You’re just figuring out who you are, that’s why I told you to concentrate on having fun and studying. You need to learn yourself before you can help other people learn who they are, I know it sounds harsh but-“
“But she came here looking for me!” I argued. “Like…I brought it on myself with all the viral media and the fame, and the chocolate banana thing, and…it wouldn’t be right for me to just tell her she’s—”
“There’s very little we can do,” Remy informed me. “She can’t stay here and-“
“What? Why can’t she stay here, we’re supposed to-“
“Um, Allison,” Laura said. “Even if she wanted to join, Rush doesn’t start until next year and I think we’re clean out of COB’s. We’re a Greek house, not a battered women’s shelter. We can find her resources, we can find her a place to stay, but we can’t just-“
“Well maybe we can find her a place nearby and we help her…transition, you know, as a group. We’re supposed to be all accepting, right?” I was practically pleading now.
“Uh…” Remy said, staring directly at me. “Do you um…remember reading that story in the news about that school in North Carolina? Woodcrest, I think it was? Gamma Alpha Tau? Remember how they tried that? When was the last time you heard of Gamma Alpha Tau?”
“If I remember correctly,” Laura interjected “That trans girl did just fine, she’s still over there.”
“Yeah, except their house got eaten up by Delta Omicron Epsilon and now their colors are hot pink and green,” Remy shook her head. “Plus I mean…you know what happened to their president…”
“I…don’t think that’s going to happen to you,” Laura kind of snorted. “Unless you’re planning to launder money through a salad processing company and blow the-“
“Okay enough,” I said. “If I can’t help her, what am I supposed to do?”
“Get her the number for a shelter, get some resources together, be her friend if you want, but try to keep your distance. You can’t get too close to the people you want to help, it makes things too…murky,” Remy was lecturing me at this point. “If you get too friendly with them, you’re just going to start listening to what THEY want instead of giving them what they need. So, for example, you know she needs mental health but all she wants to do is go live under a bridge and start a cult to Cthulu like that girl from GAT did over at Woodcrest. You know better, you know that living under a bridge isn’t conducive to her mental health, so you suggest alternatives and push her in the right direction. You’re going to face this problem a LOT if this is the path you want to go down, sweetie.”
I looked back over toward the common room, Angela was simply sitting there, playing with her thumbs nervously. It was a pose I’d struck myself so many times. What was going through her head? I’d been lucky; my family had accepted me, I’d been tossed into a sorority full of women who were more than willing to help but from everything I’d read online, I knew that wasn’t always the case. I’d been so lucky. Now I was face to face with someone who hadn’t been that lucky and my inexperience and guilt was weighing down on me like Atlas’s burden. What was I supposed to do here? What could I even do here?
“Brianna,” I said. “She could stay with Brianna for a while.”
“Hon,” Laura said. “You really want to tell Brianna she needs to let a stranger into her home? I know this is a bad situation but you still have to think about-“
“I want her to be safe, like I am,” I argued. “Brianna would-“
“I have literally no doubt that Brianna would help her, “ Remy said. “But think about it like this. You move this girl into her house, everything goes great, and then what happens when the next trans girl comes along? And then the next, and then the next, and then the next? Are you going to send them all to live with Brianna or what? Do you want her to run a shelter out of her house? I know you want to help but you have to think about your family and your personal space. If you start helping people in both your personal and your professional life, then where’s your peace? You have to take time for you. You ALWAYS have to take time for you, understand?”
“Okay so what can we do for her?” I asked desperately. Remy was right; everything she was saying was absolutely correct but how was I supposed to accept that? Angela had come to ME for help. That was my responsibility, wasn’t it? Was Remy going to step in every single time I tried to help someone? How was I supposed to get anything done?
“Well first,” Remy said. “We can get her something to eat, the poor thing looks starved. Secondly, we can call around to different shelters, see if they can get her in. I mean look, I know it sounds cold, but you have SO much more to experience and learn before you can go saving the world. If you push this too hard, you’re going to get hurt, I mean it.”
“I okay,” I nodded, pretending to concede at least. “So, we just need to – wait, where is she?”
Immediately, all three of us turned our heads and looked toward the common room: she was gone and the front door was standing wide open as if she’d made a break for it.
“Remy,” I said, the tension rising in my voice like the erection you get after seeing the trailer for a new Avengers sequel. “ Do you think she could hear everything we were saying?”
“I mean…” She said. “I guess…possibly?”
“We have to go find her,” Laura said. “I know we’re supposed to keep our distance but I think we just ran her out of the house.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let me go grab my purse and –“
“We’ll take my car,” Remy insisted. “We can drive around and look for her. I promise we’ll get her back and we’ll get her the help she needs.”
“So you say,” I glared at Remy. She stared back at me with what I could only describe as pity in her eyes. Why did she feel sorry for me?
“Let’s just get going,” Laura said. “She can’t have gotten far.”
“Wait, is that her over here?” I pointed toward a sort of outcropping of trees by the road where I thought I was seeing something, or someone. Remy squinted and slowed down a bit. I sort of fidgeted in my chair, pulling at my top. It was way too tight for my tastes but Remy had been curating my wardrobe. She’d told me that there was no point in having boobs if I didn’t have the tops to show them off, and with that, every top in my wardrobe was like one size smaller than it should have been. “I think..no that’s not her.”
“We really need to talk,” Remy said as she pressed on the accelerator and moved us out of the little patch of forest, back out into the more urban area, houses dotting the road on either side. The afternoon sun beat down hard on the hood of the car and Remy’s hair glistened. God she was beautiful. “Why are you staring at me?
“Why wouldn’t I stare at you?” I giggled a bit, a lopsided grin defining and betraying my mood.
“Oh my god,” She laughed. “You need to focus, remember what we’re out here for. Okay anyway, I need to tell you…I’ve been super distracted lately and it really hasn’t been fair to you. There’s some…stuff with the house that I’ve been trying to figure out and it hasn’t exactly been easy. Your mom’s…budget cap for us hasn’t exactly been kind. We can’t go all out like we did back when AG was in charge.”
“My mom,” I chuckled a bit. “She’s always been about letting people ‘figure things out’. You know she only gave us ten dollars a week for allowance?”
“Um, isn’t your family loaded?” Remy asked as she looked from left to right, surveying each side of the street.
“Yeah but I guess she was hoping we would find a way to double our money, or invest it or something.”
“And did you?”
“Nah,” I said, shaking my head. “I was never really that smart. But Brianna, she saved her weekly allowance, bought stock in some startup company and started quadrupling her allowance.”
“Um, question,” Remy raised an eyebrow as she veered down the street to the left. “Don’t you have to be eighteen to invest in the stock market?”
“Yep,” I nodded. “And she got her ass chewed pretty hard by mom for that one. But hey, she’s doing a lot better than me now so it must have all paid off in the end.”
“Honey,” Remy reached over and laid her free hand on top of mine. I smiled inwardly as her soft skin came into contact with mine. I could feel the warmth; my heart fluttered. “You’re in college, you’re going to graduate and you’re going to do amazing things, okay? Stop using her as a measuring stick for your own success, it’s not healthy. Besides, you’ve already done some amazing things, I mean look at you. Do you remember what you looked like when you first came to Alpha Gamma? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? How do you feel?”
“Remy,” I said quietly and flatly. “I still look like that if you take the makeup off. I need facial feminization surgery or something, you know?”
“I know that,” She nodded. “But how do you feel on the inside?”
“Honestly?” I said. “Sometimes I feel like an imposter. It’s like…I’m just wearing a mask or just pretending, or just going through the motions. I know I pass and I know it’s because you and everyone else at the house put so much work into me, but think about it. If I didn’t have access to the best makeup or the top tier insurance or the people around me, I could never have become who I am. There are so many trans people out there who will never get the opportunities that I’ve been given. I’m an anomaly, I feel like I didn’t work very hard to get here at all.”
“Oh sweetie,” Remy smiled. “Listen, you can’t compare yourself to other people, your struggle is your own. Do you know how many trans people struggle with stepping out of their front door for the first time? No, I don’t have to tell you, you already know, and guess what? You did that sweetie. You took that first step and started your journey. You did that, it’s all you.”
“You’re right,” I sighed. “And now that I’m here I feel like it’s my job to help other people take that step. People like Angela.”
“One thing at a time sweetie,” Remy patted my hand before returning hers to the steering wheel. “Let’s try to find her first, okay?”
“Okay,” I smiled. “We’ll find her first.”
As I finished that sentence, Remy’s phone rang. She held it up in front of her – a horribly dangerous habit when she was actually driving.
“It’s Laura,” She said, sliding the green ‘answer’ button toward the center. She talked for a few seconds and then hung up. She turned to my briefly “They found her, they’re taking her back to the house.”
“Well I guess I failed the whole ‘helping people’ thing on the first round,” I sighed. “I couldn’t even find her.”
“Yeah don’t think like that,” She said. “Just be glad someone did find her, even if it wasn’t us.”
Remy took a really dangerous u-turn in the middle of the street and I held on for dear life as her tires screeched, my stomach clutching the side of my torso for the duration of the motion until we were headed back toward the house. I kind of wanted to scream, but what good would it do? I finally released my death grip on the handle just as we pulled up in front of the house. Remy smirked a bit as she watched me let go.
“Hey, Allison,” Remy said, looking at me as we took our seat belts off. “Don’t yell at her or anything, she’s in bad shape and I don’t know how much she heard when we were talking in the other room. Just…”
“Yeah,” I know I smiled as I opened the door and climbed out onto the sidewalk, straightening my skirt as I rose from the seat.
“You ever consider wearing slacks?” She asked as she walked up next to me.
“Uh well, not really,” I admitted. “I spent most of my life being told that I had to wear pants, as a guy, and I was really, really scared to put a skirt on. I thought I’d be laughed at, you know? Now that I can, and now that it’s…acceptable, I really don’t want to go back. It’s kind of dresses and skirts from here on out.”
“I think I can understand that,” She nodded. “You wanted to be a girl, and now you can be. I dig it.”
We walked up the from sidewalk and through the front doors of the house where Laura was sitting with Angela, along with a few of the other girls. As I walked in I heard Veronica say “Okay you know what? Just sit right there, I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Oh!” Remy said as she walked in, smiling. “We have some leftovers in the fridge, why don’t you heat those up?”
“But I could make-“ Veronica started to say before Remy cut her off.
“Um, we uh…we have that rotisserie chicken! Angela loves chicken!” Remy was doing everything in her power to make sure Veronica didn’t cook.
“Well actually-“ Angela started.
“It’s settled then!” Remy said. “Rotisserie chicken! Yay!”
Veronica walked to the kitchen looking confused, and I could hear the ‘beep’ of the microwave a few moments later. I sighed with relief.
“So…Angela,” I said, taking a seat in front of her. “Do you…have a place to stay?”
She shook her head, I could see that she was worried. I would be too.
“I just…I left because by law they had to let me I think, but I haven’t really had any place to go. I’ve just been kind of wandering around. I know my parents don’t want me back and I saw you in on this website…I still have my phone, it was in my stuff when they sent me to camp so..”
“I’m on a website?” I looked to Remy and Laura.
“You’re on a lot of websites,” Remy said.
“Okay,” I said, trying to sound the least but authoritative . “First we need to find you a place to live, there are shelters, but maybe we can get you enrolled next semester and see about a dorm. There are financial aid programs, you probably qualify for at last one of them.”
“At least,” Laura nodded.
“I think my next question…” I trailed off a bit, I wasn’t quite sure how to put this. “Angela, do you want to live as a woman?”
She looked up at me, her face a portrait of confusion.
“What? I can do that?” She asked quizzically, it was as if she’d never considered it to be an option before. Maybe she hadn’t. “I mean…I’d need a lot of help and I don’t want to be…I don’t want to be trouble for anyone. That’s why I ran off…I felt like I was being too much trouble…”
“No honey,” Remy reassured her. “You’re not being trouble, we’re just idiots. We shouldn’t have been having that conversation out where you could hear us, okay? I’m really, really sorry about that.”
“Yeah,” Veronica said, walking out with a plate of chicken and handing it to her. “You need help, we’re going to help, right?”
“Yes we are,” I said. “And I’m going to start by calling a few shelters and talking to some people. We’re going to get this sorted out, I promise. In the meantime, we could teach you some girling basics and get you on the right track. It’s not going to be easy, but Laura and the others kind of whipped me into shape a few months ago.”
“We’re not done yet,” Remy said, looking at me firmly. “We’ve kind of taken a break because of house stuff but trust me, you have a long way to go. But hey, don’t sweat it, I absolutely, positively love you and I’m going to make sure you’re the best girl you can be. Oh, and Angela, you’re both going to get lessons.”
I blushed. I didn’t realize I’d been screwing up so much.
“Well um, you heard that,” I said to Angela. “So while I make some calls, maybe the other girls could take you upstairs and get you started.”
Her face kind of lit up. I knew that expression, and I knew what she was feeling. I’d probably felt it many times myself. Being transgender is…wild, to put it simply. You walk around seeing other women, seeing the clothes they wear and how they fit into them, and you think to yourself that you could never possibly look like that, that it’s impossible. It’s like your body is a cage, and you’re just trapped inside, screaming, pounding against a soundproof glass wall, and no one outside can hear you, or see you. You want to cry, you want to scream, you want to die, but you can’t do any of those things. So you just smile, you go through the motions, you go to school, you go to work, you talk to people, you laugh with them, but you’re never really you. The real you is locked away in that room, inside your mind, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, dying to get out. Part of me was still there. Part of me always would be.
“Come on upstairs lady,” Laura extended a hand. “I definitely have some stuff that would fit you, but you’re going to need a shower first.”
“Okay,” Angela smiled timidly and took her hand as she was led toward the stairs. As soon as they disappeared onto the second floor I turned to Remy.
“Let’s get to work.”
“I’m sorry Ma’am,” The voice on the other end of the phone said. “We can’t accommodate a transgender individual at our shelter. While I’m sure he’s a great…person, we can’t house him with the women.”
“You can’t house her with the men either!” I said angrily. “Do you know what could happen?”
“Did you try the shelter over on Bradbury?” The woman asked. I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle her.
“Of course I tried them,” I snapped. “They said the exact same thing and this is INSANE! You can’t just turn people away! Hello? Hello?!”
I pulled the phone away from my ear, the call had been disconnected. Of course it had, what else was I expecting?
“This is exhausting,” Remy sighed as she put her own phone down. “We’ve called like every shelter in the city, what are we supposed to do?”
“Can’t we just let her stay here?” I pleaded. “Just for tonight?”
“Look, Allison,” Remy said, shaking her head. “As much as I want to, it’s not my decision. If the AR board finds out about it, they’ll fine us. They really will. They’re not going to let it slide just because you live here. It’s not just your mom we’re dealing with here, okay? There are rules.”
“Those rules are bullshit,” I growled.
“Those rules literally keep us safe. Physically, and from losing our charter,” Remy reminded me. “Do I need to bring up the Woodcrest thing again? You remember what happened there, right?”
“Um,” I said. “Of course I remember, it was all over the news, but you know what? Maybe we could get some help from them. They dealt with a similar situation, after all. I mean, how did they fix it in the beginning?”
“Um, they traumatized her, got their charter pulled, and I’m pretty sure their ex-president got into organized crime,” Remy picked up the phone again and started to dial.
“Who are you calling?” I asked curiously. “I think we’ve covered all the shelters.”
“I’m calling your sister,” She said with a sigh. “I give up.”
“I thought you said-“
“I know what I said, now go upstairs and check on Angela.”
I rose from the felt-coated chair and wiped static electricity off my skirt as I made my way toward the stairs. I heard Remy speaking with my sister briefly as I ascended the stairs, keeping to the right with my hand on the rail – it was really a force of habit now. Walked around upstairs, I had to check a few rooms before I figured out where Angela was being kept, and I smiled a bit as I walked in on them. Laura, Michelle, Cassandra, Veronica and Angela were sitting together in the room, and to be honest, I only knew it was Angela because I know everyone else in the room personally. They’d done an amazing job, she looked exactly like a girl. They’d used one of my old wigs to frame her face and put her in an orange sundress with a flared skirt. It was a little bit overdone, considering, but I remembered how I was before I came to Alpha Gamma, or Alpha Ro, whichever you prefer. Being ‘overdone’ was kind of a thing with me, I wanted to be as girly as possible and it was still something I hadn’t quite shaken.
“Well hey,” I said from the doorway. “How’s it going?”
“Angela here is a natural,” Cassandra said. “Like she’s been practicing.”
The thing I noticed the most was that Angela couldn’t stop smiling, I kind of got it, but it wasn’t something that I’d been able to experience myself. All of my dressing had been in private, but when I’d finally been given ‘help’, I kind of felt like my soul had been doused in gasoline and set ablaze. Though let’s be honest, I kind of brought that on myself. The look on Angela’s face was genuine happiness, and I hoped it wouldn’t be fleeting. I had to wonder what other worries were weighing her down, and it was kind of hopeful that she was actually able to enjoy herself.
“That’s great,” I said with kind of an empty smile. “Um, so, Angela, we…weren’t able to get you into a shelter…”
“Wait, what?” Laura stood up from the bed aiming a concerned look in my direction. “Did you call every place? There’s no way they all turned her down.”
“Yeah it’s because-“ I started, but Angela interrupted me.
“I’m trans,” Angela said. “They don’t want to put me with other women. Um, I mean, if it’s a problem we can just say I’m a guy…I mean…I am…I kinda have boy parts and—”
“Not a good idea,” I said. “That’s not something I would be okay with, not at this point anyway. I don’t think you’d be comfortable.”
I could see it in her face honestly, she definitely wouldn’t have been comfortable.
“What are we going to do then?” Cassandra stared at me expectantly. “I don’t think Remy’s going to let her stay here…”
“Remy’s calling Brianna,” I explained. “She’s going to stay there for the night.”
Laura shot me a strange look, it wasn’t one of relief, it was almost as if she were worried. What was the problem? We’d solved the problem, right? Just as I was about to ask her what her problem was, Remy strode into the room with phone in hand.
“Okay,” Remy looked at each of us and glanced briefly at Angela who nervously twiddled her thumbs as she sat on the edge of the bed. “Brianna has agreed to house Angela, but just for tonight. Allison? You’re going over there-“
“I don’t really think that’s necessary,” I argued. I really didn’t want to leave the house.
“I don’t want to do a lot of things either, but here we are,” Remy shrugged. “Also, Brianna brought up a really good point: none of us thought to call the police.”
“The police?” Angela’s eyes went wide, she began to inch toward the edge of the bed, as if she were about to bolt toward the door. The girl was newly eighteen years old so it’s not like she had a criminal record.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her. “They’re right, we need to get you some help and maybe…I don’t know, track down whoever hurt you?”
“It’s just…” Angela continued to move toward the end of the bed; Laura stared intently at her. “If the police come…they…what if they talk to my parents? What if my parents find out I left?”
“You’re eighteen, right?” Cassandra said, stepping forward and taking Angela’s hand while simultaneously placing one on her shoulder, almost as if she intended to keep her from running. I didn’t blame her, we’d already had that incident. “They can’t do anything to you, they can’t touch you, they can’t—”
“I guess…I’m still afraid of disappointing them,” Angela said quietly as she stared down at her knees, still fidgeting with her hands and shifting her weight a bit under Cassandra’s grip. “I don’t want them to be…hurt.”
“What the hell?!” I demanded. “After what they—”
“Woah!” Remy said, walking around and placing a hand on my arm. “Allison, I think we need to go have a talk!”
“But!” I started to interject, but she was already pulling me out into the hall and leading me off toward her room. As we walked into the presidential suite I couldn’t help but think we needed to come here more often together.
“Okay, let me ask you a question,” Remy said, pushing me toward the bed until I lost my balance and plopped down onto the mattress. “Why did you pledge Alpha Gamma?”
“Uh…” I started, wondering if I was being asked a trick question. “I didn’t…really have a choice, did I?”
“I feel like you had a choice,” Remy said, crossing her arms and staring at me. “Let’s see, you could have just told your mom to go screw herself, applied for financial aid…probably even recovered your reputation within a year, I mean…but…you didn’t. Why?”
“I guess I didn’t want to disappoint my mom, or Brianna,” I said. “It just felt…I don’t know…”
“Because they’re your family, and you feel a responsibility to them,” She said. “You grew up with them, you grew to respect them, and your dad to a lesser extent.”
“It’s hard to respect someone through plate glass,” I muttered.
“Regardless!” Remy interrupted me. “Imagine if you’d been raised to respect them and…they were against your transition? What if you’d been raised to believe that everything you are…is wrong. Say for example you know you’re trans, but your parents don’t know, and as you grow up you constantly hear them making transphobic or homophobic remarks, you know they hate it, and you know that the respect for them that’s been instilled into you is contingent on you being what they want. You didn’t drop out of AG because you were fulfilling your implied pledge to your family. Angela is getting used to the idea that she’s about to break her pledge to HER family in order to be who she wants. Now, here’s the kicker, Allison. You want to help her, you want to take on the role of ‘savior’, which is admirable, but you’re going to have to understand that the two of you come from very different walks of life. What’s simple for you isn’t going to be simple for her. You need to be patient, and you need to not project yourself onto her. Am I making sense?”
“I…think so,” I nodded. “I think maybe we need help, or…I need help. I don’t think I can do this all alone.”
“Of course you can’t do it alone, Allison,” Remy said to me very matter of factly. “There are people who go to school for years for this, and you? You’re still pretty wet behind the ears. If you’re going to be a mentor of any type you’re going to have to ask for help, guidance, otherwise you’ll get yourself and others hurt. Don’t be stubborn, there’s a lot on the line, okay?”
“Okay,” I nodded. “I really appreciate you helping me with this, it’s all really…confusing.”
“You want to know what’s really confusing?” She asked, stepping toward me and grinning downward. “You have a closet full of your own clothes…and you’re wearing my top.”
“Uh…” I flushed a bit, embarrassed. “I…”
“Why do you keep wearing my stuff?”
“I guess…I just…I like feeling closer to you?” I admitted as she stepped a little closer. Suddenly she dropped down, straddling my lap and placed her hands on my waist.
“Is this close enough?” She giggled a bit. I squirmed, her legs held me in place.
“I think we have a lot to deal wi—“ I started to object, but suddenly, she began to tickle my sides. I squealed, but she silenced me by leaning in and pressing her lips against mine. Finally, she pulled away and grinned again. “What about Angela?”
“Laura and the others are taking care of Angela, and the police have been called,” Remy informed me. “Now I have something I want to work on with you. When we make out, about five minutes in, you crap out on me and stop kissing. I have to do all the work. So here’s what we’re going to do. You kiss me, get that tongue going, and every time you start slacking, I start tickling. Sound good?”
“What? No that doesn’t sound—” She cut me off by practically slamming our faces together and shoving her tongue down my throat. I grunted and tried to recoil, completely stunned, but the moment I did, she went to work with her hands. If she hadn’t been kissing me I probably would have started squealing but instead I thrust my tongue forward and started doing my half of the job. As promised, she ceased tickling. A few minutes later, I slowed, she started again. I struggled to squirm out of her grasp but only succeeded in making her push me toward the center of the bed. “Remy come on, can’t we just make out like normal people!”
“Apparently you can’t,” She laughed. “Come on, we’re not done yet.”
“God dammit!” I cursed as she dropped down and pressed her lips against mine again. I finally managed to squirm just enough that she lost her balance and rolled to the right, but instead of letting go, she dragged me with her toward the edge of the bed. “Oh holy shit!”
We immediately tumbled over the edge, slamming into the carpet and dragging the bedsheets with us. Remy laughed hysterically, I groaned and moved to jump on top of her.
“My turn!” I shouted.
“Ahem,” Laura’s voice came from the bedroom of Remy’s presidential suite. Like a shot, we both sat up and looked toward the door. To our horror, Laura, Cassanda, Michelle, and Angela were standing there, flanked by two uniformed police officers.
“Uh…hi…” Remy said, straightening her hair with the palm of her hand.
“Police are here,” Laura informed us.
“Do you two need a minute?” Michelle asked, a smirk forming on the corners of her mouth as they stood there with the two uniformed police officers.
“Yes,” I said, as I turned back Remy. She shook her head and literally pushed me off of her with both hands; I grunted as I fell to the floor.
“I am SO sorry,” She said, addressing the officers as she stood and straightened the wrinkles out of her top. I grabbed the edge of the bed and clambered to my feet, doing the same with my skirt and trying my best to act as if nothing had happened. “Did…anyone fill you guys in on what happened?”
“Yeah,” One of the officers said. “So, from what we understand, this young lady showed up at your door and told you that she came from Camp Chippenwood. As far as we know it’s just a summer camp but we do need to take a report and possibly open up an investigation.”
“Wait, an investigation?” I said, a bit of panic and anger seeping into my tone. “Why don’t you just shut it down? Did you see the bruises?”
“Ma’am,” The second officer said. “We need to do a full investigation before we take any action, and that starts with taking a report.”
“A report,” I shot back snidely. “Wonderful.”
“Calm down, Allison,” Remy placed a hand on my shoulder and stared at me, hard. “This isn’t helping, hon.”
I reluctantly shut my mouth and allowed Remy to step out in front of me. She unloaded the tale to the officers with me fuming behind her. Why were they taking a report? What was that going to do? We needed to go to Chippenwood and burn it to the ground. I think the thing that bothered me the most was how nonchalant both of them seemed; it was ridiculous! They had an abuse victim right in front of them and they weren’t going to do anything? Remy finished speaking to them and they left, no one even thought to talk to me. Instead we were left with Michelle, Laura, and Cassandra, and of course Angela standing in the middle of the room looking confused.
“So uh…how are you feeling?” I asked her. I’m going to be honest, I had no idea what to do. I think she sensed it to, she kind of looked at me and shrugged. She’d come here to seek advice and guidance from me, and I wasn’t really living up to her expectation, was I?
“We should probably let the whole thing go,” Angela said. “I mean, I’m out, they can’t hurt me anymore, I-“
“We can’t just let them get away with it!” I argued. “We have to-“
“Allison,” Remy said to me, once again giving me that look. “It’s just not the time.”
I wanted to speak up, I wanted to say something, but just as I opened my mouth, there was a knock on the bedroom doorframe.
“Hello?” Brianna said, stepping in. She must have driven here from work; she was wearing a black skirt and purple silky top, perfect for an office environment. In another life I might have been jealous of her. Today I was angry at the world. “Hi, you must be Angela!”
Angela sort of blushed; I don’t think she was even remotely prepared to meet someone new. I saw her playing with her hands, fidgeting. It was what I did whenever I was thrust into an uncomfortable situation. My turn. I stepped forward and smiled a bit, laying a hand on Angela’s shoulder.
“Angela, this is my sister, Brianna,” I said to her. “We’re going to her house tonight while we try to find you another place to stay.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll get it all worked out,” Brianna said reassuringly. “Right now though, we need to get you back to my house before it gets dark. I hate driving at night. Do you have anything you need to take with you?”
“Um…” Angela said. “Just…the clothes I came here with?”
“Oh, you can wear that out-“ Laura began to speak, but Angela sort of freaked out.
“Oh, no, no, I can’t go outside dressed like this,” She protested. “I mean…it’s just…I’m sorry…”
“Hey, hey, no need to apologize!” Brianna stepped forward, offering a warm smile. “You can change back, it’s fine. Just step into one of the bathrooms, we’ll make sure no one goes in.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” Angela returned the smile, but nervously. “I mean, I changed in front of everyone earlier.
That was right; she had. I remembered the first time I’d been in this house and had been practically forced to change in front of Michelle and Cassandra. I’d been so embarrassed and honestly felt humiliated. Angela didn’t seem to care at all. Different types of people I suppose. Of course there was the fact that Angela didn’t want to go outside dressed and I’d been pretty much okay with it. I’d been a little bit apprehensive but it wasn’t like I’d gone kicking and screaming. I watched in silence as she disappeared through the bedroom door and went off to change, it took about forty minutes I think but she finally came back as the boy we’d seen on our doorstep earlier in the day, bruises and all. I cringed a little bit, inwardly at least. I kind of hated seeing her like this. I guess you could always say I’d lost the ability to relate to her in that moment and it kind of crushed me inside. What kind of a monster was I? What a stupid concept, I didn’t look very feminine one all the makeup came off but in that moment I realized that as I was looking at her it was like seeing a mirror image of myself. Sure she didn’t look like me, but it was the male features that I recognized in myself and it was a stark reminder that at the end of the day I was…that. I hated it.
“Are you ready to go?” Brianna asked me, moving toward the door. “I need to get you two set up for the night and…I really want to be home.”
“Our house isn’t good enough for you?” Remy joked.
“Your house doesn’t have a massage chair,” Brianna shrugged. “And your oven sucks.”
“You’re cooking tonight?” I asked, kind of excited. I loved it when Brianna cooked.
“Yeah,” She said. “I was thinking I’d do something other than chicken. Chicken is all you guys ever cook, it’s like it’s the only thing you know HOW to cook. Come on guys, take a cooking class.”
“I’m taking a cooking class!” Veronica shouted from down the hall.
“That’s nice, Veronica!” Michelle shouted back, her face a mix of annoyance and profound horror.
“Come on,” Brianna said to us, rolling her eyes. I stopped off at my room to grab my purse and phone as I already had plenty of clothes at her house and if all else failed she would let me borrow some. I walked back to the bedroom to give Remy a brief hug before departing. As we climbed into Brianna’s car I briefly wondered why on earth I was coming along on this excursion. I would have to ask later.
“How long can she stay?” I asked Brianna as she pulled the car out of the parking spot in front of the house. I tried to keep my voice quiet so I wasn’t making the mistake of talking about her in front of her again and hopefully she wouldn’t hear.
“Tonight,” Brianna said, just as softly. “I have some connections, we can find a place before tomorrow night.”
I nodded, it was better than nothing. I kind of wished she could stay longer but maybe it made sense. Like Remy said, we didn’t want to turn Brianna’s house into a domestic violence shelter, right?
“We’re here,” Brianna announced, taking a sharp left turn and pulling into her driveway. “I’m going to take a shower, you two…do whatever you’re going to do. I’ll be down to make dinner in a little bit.”
“Guess it’s just you and me,” I smiled as Brianna disappeared up the stairs. “So um…what can you tell me about…you?”
“What do you mean?” Angela frowned.
“Well what do you like, what do you not like? When did you…know?” As I talked, I gestured toward the stairs and we followed Brianna’s lead, but toward my room instead. We ascended the stairs and Angela filled me in on a few of the finer details.
“Oh well, I’m really into…80’s music and…I mean I guess I can say this now, but makeup is my favorite thing. Before my parents sent me to…to…Chipenwood I had a huge collection of stuff. It was part of the reason they shipped me out, they found my clothes and makeup in the back of my closet. It was really embarrassing. I think my mom cried for hours.”
“Well,” I said as I turned into my room and flipped the light switch. “This is where I live when I’m not at the house. It’s not much but you can stay here tonight.”
“Not…much?” Angela stared at the room wide eyed as she toed her way in, one tiny step at a time. “This is huge! You sleep in here by yourself?”
What the hell kind of room had she been living in that led her to believe this was huge?
“What’s this?” She asked, walking toward one of my bookshelves, the one where I stared my video games. She pulled one of the games out, an RPG in a steel collector’s box. I kind of smiled as she looked at it; it brought back some seriously good memories, but also a lot of sad ones.
“It’s…a game I used to play,” I said sadly. “It’s um…Dark Pantheon. I was kind of obsessed with it last year. It’s an online game, a um..MMORPG.”
“But you don’t like it anymore?” She asked, putting it back.
“Well,” I said. “Sometimes, no matter how much you like something you just have to let it go. Like…the social expectations of staying male. Hard lessons everywhere.”
I watched Angela as she took pause and put the box back on the shelf. I felt a twinge of nostalgia as it was slid back between the boxes. I had to resist the urge to pull that out again. Seriously.
“Okay so—” I started to say, and then, the most unexpected thing in the world happened. Angela kissed me.
“Angela, Angela stop!” I gasped, gently pushing her off of me. “What are you doing?!”
“I…I thought-“ She started to say, but Brianna appeared in the doorway, a bath towel folded around her head and a look of concern painted on her face.
“Is everything okay?” She asked.
“Uh…yeah,” I said. “Everything is uh…fine…”
Brianna looked from me, to Angela, and then back. She frowned a bit and then shrugged.
“Alright well, I’m going to go start dinner…” She looked at both of us, her eyes wandering between, then turned toward the stairs. I waited until I heard her feet on the stairs and then turned to Angela.
“Are you kidding me?” I demanded. Her face was red, I swear she was about to cry. Okay, maybe I needed to let up a little.
“I’m…I’m really sorry…” She kind of mumbled. “I just…you know,”
“Alright, jeez,” I sighed. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”
She nodded and stared at the floor. Downstairs, in the kitchen I could hear Brianna listening to C-Span, boring stuff as usual, but I kind of tuned in for a second, maybe just to get away from the super awkward situation that was developing right in front of me.
“Overall,” A disembodied voice from the downstairs TV said. “I think that Mr. Garron’s actions at Woodcrest alone should have disqualified him from any political role, let alone Congress.”
“Ms. Grey I think it’s safe to assume that the Congressman’s actions were only in the best interests of a clearly, mentally disturbed demograph—”
I tuned it out again, politics weren’t really my thing.
“So…Angela…can you..tell me about yourself? Why don’t you like…sit down on the bed…or something?”
She bit her lower lip and timidly approached the bed in the center of the room. Taking a seat, I watched her facial expression take on a bit of alarm as the frame creaked beneath her. I cautiously crossed the room and took a seat beside her. She was in ‘boy mode’, but you could still fee the feminine energy radiating from her. This was a girl, through and through.
“There’s really…not much to tell,” She said apologetically as she clasped her hands in front of her, keeping them tightly against her lap. “I’ve spent so much…time at that camp. I guess there were things I liked before but now I just…I don’t know. I’m trying to remember what I like, what I don’t like. I think I need to relearn myself.”
I tried to think about that, tried to imagine it. What would it be like if everything you ever were and everything you dreamed that you could be was just stripped away overnight? What if you were told that who you were was wrong and you had to change? Moments like these were so weird for me because they made me remember how lucky I’d been with my mom, and my sister who accepted me without question, after a little bit of a well-deserved lecture.
“I’m sorry,” She said suddenly. I jerked my head upward and looked at her.
“For what?” I furrowed my brow curiously. What could she possibly be sorry for?
“For…talking too much,” She said quietly. “I know I do it a lot.”
“Uh…no Angela,” I said, shaking my head. “I was just sitting here thinking is all, you weren’t talking to much. You weren’t talking that much at all, why would you think that? Okay, never mind. Tell me what you liked before all…this. What were you into?”
“Well I guess I was like any normal gu…gi…guy. I liked music-“
“What kind of music?”
“Um…I…I don’t remember?” She seemed flustered. “I haven’t really listened for…a while and I mean I remember this one song, I guess I remember the words, but I don’t remember what it was called.”
“What were the words? Maybe I can help you find it.” How on earth could she not remember what kind of music she liked? How bad had Chippenwood been? She was quiet for along moment, trying to remember the words to the song, whatever it was.
“It…I think it went like…’If you find the courage within you to face the path ahead, it matters not the outcome, if what you will gain instead, is a heart deepened in the knowing, that experience carves the soul, and the very thing that empties you, shall surely make you whole,” She recited the lyrics and then paused at the end as if she were desperately trying to remember more.
“Wow…”I said, taking a breath and blinking. “That’s um…that’s fucking…dark.”
“It’s what kept me alive,” She shrugged. “It was one of the few things I was able to hold on to really. I just…”
Again, I found myself struggling to understand what that felt like. How the hell was I supposed to help her with anything when I couldn’t relate to her? I was so far out of my depth I couldn’t even see the edge of the pool anymore.
“Hey!” Brianna called out from the door. “I made—”
“Chicken?” Angela said excitedly.
“What? No, what is it with college students and chicken?” She demanded. I felt like we’d had this conversation before.
“I’m not a college student,” Angela shrugged.
“Not yet,” Brianna pointed out. “But there are financial aid programs, unless you had something you’d rather be doing?”
Angela didn’t give a response but for some reason I felt like she was afraid to. I was comfortable talking and joking around my sister, and with the AP girls, but she felt so…cut off. It was like she was afraid to be herself. I don’t mean afraid as in afraid to be a girl, I mean afraid as in…to do anything. To talk, to enjoy life. It was like everything that was fun or enjoyable about her had been subdued. I really need to talk to Brianna. Alone.
“Well, let’s go eat,” I said, standing up from the bed and stretching. “I’m starving, what ARE we having anyway?”
“We,” Brianna said as she led us down the hallway and to the stairs. “Are having ramen. Good ramen. Not the kind you get out of the package. Actual ramen, I made the noodles this morning. You’re going to like it, or I’m going to yell at you, got it?”
“You’ve got it,” I smirked as we followed her down the stairs. It’s not like she had to convince me anyway, her ramen was always amazing. We passed into the kitchen where the table was not only set, the metal ramen bowls were already filled and at their places. This was kind of a thing with Brianna; she loved to cool, and she wanted to plate everything a certain way. Her ramen always contained pork, a hard boiled egg, and vegetables. She loved fresh vegetables.
“So what did you guys talk about?” She asked me as we took a seat at the table.
“You know,” I said with a slight grin. “Girl stuff.”
“Well, maybe we should talk about what we’re going to do,” She said, almost lecturing. “I have a lot of resources that Remy and the rest of AP doesn’t, so finding a shelter by tomorrow shouldn’t be a problem. Um, so what else, oh, yeah, we can get you enrolled in school if you want, under any name you want, obviously.”
“Yeah, you could totally be a girl,” I said happily. “It’s totally fine here, and accepted.”
“I don’t know,” Angela said quietly. “I want to but I don’t want to…I don’t know.”
“It would be fine!” I coaxed. “I was nervous about it too but I came out eventually-“
“You didn’t really come out,” Brianna pointed out. “You made a fool out of yourself and just transitioned to save face. So Angela, how did you hear about Allison? What made you come here?”
“I heard about her on the news,” Angela said, once again avoiding eye contact and sort of just staring at her plate. “I just…I thought maybe if she could do it…I could and…I needed help.”
“Well sweetie,” Brianna nodded. “Allison here is a little rough around the edges but you came to the right place. We can all help you, and you know, if you do ever decide to go full time as a girl, you could always do what Allison did, join a sorority, have sisters to support you, it’s not an opportunity everyone gets, but with AP here on campus you have a better chance.”
“I—” Angela started to respond but we were suddenly and rather rudely interrupted by a thunderous knock at the front door.
“Holy crap,” I said, setting my chopsticks down and wiping my mouth. “Who knocks like that?”
“Jehova’s Witnesses, probably,” Brianna rolled her eyes and did the same, standing up from the table. Curious, I stood as well and followed her through the living room and to the front door.
“I look presentable, right?” I asked her, only half joking.
“Hmm,” She said, suddenly spinning around and looking me over. She placed a finger to her chin and squinted a little. “You look like a college girl that was just eating ramen. We’ll have to talk about your clichés later tonight.”
“Very funny,” I grinned a little, she rolled her eyes before spinning around to answer the door. With two clicks she opened the deadbolt and turned the handle, pulling it aside and reveling two uniformed police officers. Wow, it was like déjà vu from earlier today.
“Good evening, Ma’am,” One of them said as he stood in the door looking as intimidating as humanly possible. “We’re sorry to bother you this late at night, but we’re here looking for a man by the name of Tyler Achles and we have it on good authority that he should be in this house. Do you mind if we come in?”
“Do you have a warrant?” Brianna asked the two police officers who were standing just outside the door, one craning his neck to see in.
“No Ma’am, this is a wellness check but we can come back with a warrant if need be, to make sure Mr. Achles is in one piece.”
“And who exactly is asking?” I couldn’t see her face, but I could just imagine her furrowing her brow at them.
“His parents,” One of the officers explained. “From what they said he was at camp Chippenwood-“
“Well that’s interesting,” My sister said. “An eighteen year old boy at summer camp?”
“Eighteen?” The other officer asked, sounding a little confused. “They said sixteen-“
“Angela!” Brianna called out. “Angela come here and bring your ID!”
“Angela?” The officer and his partner looked at her, confused.
Angela approached and handed Brianna her state ID, which Brianna presented to the officers.
“Seems Angela’s parents lied to you,” Brianna said firmly, crossing her arms. “She was Tyler, goes by Angela now, you can see why her parents might lie about her age. Probably to control her.”
“Huh,” The officer with the red hair said. “Well, it looks like Mr..s…Achles is perfectly fine, you’re fine right?”
“Yeah,” Angela nodded.
“Is there anything you can do to keep them away from here?” Brianna asked them.
“If you feel threatened you can always file a restraining order,” One of them told us. “You could stop by in the morning, but a judge needs to approve it.”
“How did they know she was here?”
“Can’t tell you that, Ma’am, we’ll let you get on with your evening.”
“Thank you,” Brianna said, just before she closed the door and turned around, facing both of us.
“They’re going to try again,” Angela said. I could hear the fear in her voice, it was unsettling. She backed up a bit and leaned against the kitchen table.
“Yeah,” Brianna nodded. “They probably will. They don’t have any control over you though, no matter what they do, please remember you can say no. Don’t go with them, don’t go back to that camp.”
“Brianna,” I said, looking between them. “What do we do?”
“Um easy,” Brianna shook her head. “Angela’s eighteen, we find her a shelter, she stays away from her parents, and gets her life together, and sees a therapist, for the love of god…”
“I…don’t know how to thank you for all of this,” Angela said, her face turning read. “I just…this is weird for me, I’m not used to people being kind to me…”
“Get used to it girlie,” Brianna stepped forward and gave her a quick hug. “Now finish your dinner and—”
She stopped short as her phone buzzed, taking a look at it, she shot me a dirty look.
“What?” I demanded. “What does it say? Is it about me?”
“Come with me,” She said, shaking her head and gesturing toward the stairs. “Keep eating, Angela.”
I walked along behind her, wondering what the hell she’d seen on her phone as we wandered up the stairs. After we cleared the landing we immediately began to walk toward her room. Once inside, she shut the door.
“Sit on the bed,” She pointed. “I keep getting text messages from Remy, all week, all I hear about is how you suck at intimacy.”
“She TELLS you those things?” My face was probably as red as a tomato, or maybe red as a…red face.
“We’re friends,” She shrugged. “Why wouldn’t she tell me?”
“I’m your sister, that’s weird!”
“It’s about to get a lot weirder,” She said, sitting down on the bed beside me. “Kiss me.”
“What?!” I shrieked, practically flying off the bed. “I’m your br…sister, I’m your sister! You’re my sister! I can’t…what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Not as much as what’s wrong with you, apparently. Sit back down,” She patted the bed beside her, I reluctantly sat back on the bed beside her.
“Now kiss me, I want to see what you’re doing wrong. If it’s the only way to stop this flood of texts then…”
“Okay, okay,” I relented. “Just once.”
“Just once,” She agreed.
I leaned forward, slowly, closing my eyes and pecked her on the lips. I immediately pulled back and wiped my mouth, a spear of red lipstick appearing against my hand.
“Is that how you kiss her?” Brianna demanded. “You just lean in and peck? No wonder she has problems with you.”
“No, I mean, that’s…not how I kiss her, I just…”
“Kiss me the way you kiss her, I want to see,” Brianna rolled her eyes. “Okay, where do you put your hands?”
“Um…I don’t…I guess I hug her?”
“Put your hands on her waist, okay, my waist, try that,” She grabbed my wrists and pulled them over to her waist.
“Brianna I really don’t feel comfortable-“
“Oh…my…god…just show me so I can tell you what you’re doing wrong.”
“Brianna come on, I can’t-“
“Allison,” She suddenly snapped. “If I get one more text from Remy complaining that you can’t kiss, I’m going to go over there and beat her…with you. Now kiss me you idiot.”
“You know what? Fine!” I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my lips to hers, within five seconds, she shoved me off as hard as she possibly could, and then began to cough.
“Allison what the absolute fuck?!” She wiped her mouth and gagged. “It’s like you’re trying to smother a baby with a pillow, and the pillow is the mouth of a rabid saint Bernard! Is this what you’re doing to her? Are you like…what is this? Some kind of organic waterboarding? And what’s with your hands? Are you hugging her or trying to kidnap her?”
“Brianna I’m trying!” I exclaimed. “She’s the first woman I’ve been with!”
“You’re not WITH a woman, you’re torturing a woman.”
“Oh my god, I’m going back downstairs,” I started to stand up, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the bed.
“Do it right,” She said. “I’m going to show you.”
Just as she leaned in, I gasped, and with a start, awoke in my bed. What the fuck? Was that a dream? What in the Oedipus fuck was going on? I looked about the room, it was dark, a bit of moonlight shining through the window. I threw the sweat covered sheets aside and grabbed my phone. I fumbled around with it, scrolling through the contacts until I came to Remy. I pressed the ‘call’ button and held it up to my ear. After about four rings, I heard Remy’s tiny, exhausted voice at the other end.
“Allison?” She asked. “Is everything okay?”
“Am I a bad kisser?” I asked her, sitting up on the bed, fully awake.
“You called me at three forty-seven in the morning to ask me if I’m a bad kisser?”
“Yeah, but am I?”
There was a long, long silence. I was kind of dying to know what was going through her head.
“Yes, Allison, you’re a horrible kisser, why?”
“Have you been telling my sister about it?”
“Goodnight Allison,” She said, just before she hung up the phone. Well, that didn’t answer anything.
I stood from the bed and dropped the phone on the mattress before exiting my room, pulling my sweat soaked nightgown away from my body as I walked down the stairs and into the living room where I saw Angela literally wearing one of Brianna’s dresses, probably one she’d found in the laundry room. She looked at me and gasped, stepping back and turning beet red.
“I um…my clothes were wet,” She said. “I…please don’t tell her…”
“We can talk about you not being a trans stereotype later,” I sighed. “Am I a bad kisser?”
“You came down here at three in the morning to ask me if you’re a bad kisser?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“Goodnight, Allison.”
I awoke to Brianna charging through my bedroom door; she was never one for knocking. My first reaction was to roll my head to the left and glance at the bedside alarm clock which now read: 6:45 AM. Brianna was fully dressed in a silky blouse and black pants, and before I knew it, she was tossing clothes onto my bed.
“I found a shelter for Angela,” She explained rather offhandedly. “Get up, get dressed, we’re taking her right now.”
“I…can’t you just drive her over there?” I asked, pulling the blankets up to my chin. I didn’t want to move from the bed at all.
“No, Allison,” Brianna said sternly. “You took that position at the sorority and yeah, I know it was technically for trans sorority members but you jumped right on this and wanted to help so…get up.”
“Why are you being such a bitch?” I said sleepily, trying to push myself up on one arm.
“I’m sorry, Allison,” She said. “I really am, but I need to be at work in an hour and a half and we absolutely have to get this done. Not to mention you have a thing over at the house today.”
“A thing?”
“A meeting…thing, I don’t remember what Remy said.”
I had a lot of reasons for not wanting to leave that bed. First of all I was tired beyond measure and secondly, a trans girl’s worst fear is climbing out of bed and trying to get ready for the day. Doing your hair, perfecting your makeup and making sure you’re at least passable from fifty yards is the daily dread and challenge. I had no choice though; Brianna was pulling the sheets back and urging me to get up. I sighed and placed my feet against the carpet as she thrust the clothes into my arms. Just as quickly I was ushered to the bathroom and quickly found myself at the vanity beside her as she paid her makeup brushes out and wiped her face with a damp cloth.
“Where’s Angela?” I asked, hastily applying my makeup without even stepping into the shower.
“Downstairs,” Brianna told me. “The guest bathroom.”
“Where are we taking her?”
“Uh…it’s not exactly a shelter, it’s a family that takes in LGBT people, in uh…situations like this. I had them checked out, they’re legit.”
“Why couldn’t we find them yesterday?” I asked, puzzled as I applied foundation to my face and moved on to some basic contouring. “We looked everywhere and-“
“It’s not a place that advertises,” She explained. “Just a family home, they don’t want it too obvious, you know?”
“I guess…” I said, trying to concentrate on the liquid lipstick I was now gripping in my right hand. I held it up to my lips and made an effort to keep it straight, but let’s face it, I never could. Just as I was about to press it to my lower lip, Brianna snatched it from me and commanded me to stand still as she gracefully applied it and held a piece of toilet tissue to my face for me to blot.
“Okay, get dressed, we’re taking her over there.”
“Why did we have to do it now?” I picked up the blue dress that Brianna had picked out for me and pulled it over my body after discarding my pajamas. “The house will still be there later won’t it?”
“Because you need to get back to your house and I have things to do,” She said quickly, brushing out her hair and turning toward me. “You’re a college girl, you need to be with your sorority, not wasting the entire semester here.”
“Okay, that I agree with,” I nodded. I really didn’t like being away from the Alpha house, at all. I felt like I belonged there, and for me that was a gift of epic proportions. I wondered what Remy was doing right now. “Oh god dammit!”
“What?” Brianna asked, looking back at me as she reached the bathroom door.
“My legs,” I pointed to them; where they had usually been bare, you could now see the slightest hint of hair poking through the skin.
“Have you been keeping up on your waxing appointments?” She glanced, down, sort of inspecting me.
“I mean…I missed one,” I admitted shakily.
“Get a longer dress,” She shook her head. “Then get downstairs, we have to go.”
I returned to my room for a moment and threw on a much, much longer green floral dress with wrap v-neckline and a sash that tied in the back. It hugged my waist, and I grinned a bit as I examined myself in the mirror. The breast forms filled out the top of the dress perfectly though I was sure I’d have to adjust the setting once or twice during the day, and the material hugged my waist perfectly. I ran my hand along the waistline and nearly died of happiness before I abruptly remembered my legs. Ugh, my legs. How was it that one single thing could bring out the dysphoria hammer and completely smash an otherwise happy moment. I turned away from the full-length mirror just as I heard Brianna call for me again. Picking up my purse, I pressed onward, out of the room and down the stairs. Angela was standing next to the kitchen table, fully dressed unlike last night. She was dressed in one of Brianna’s outfits, a simple white scoop neck top and a pair of black pants. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable being seen outside in a skirt yet.
“What if they don’t like me?” Angela asked nervously. “I don’t know these people, I…can’t I just stay here?”
“Even if that were possible,” Brianna said, taking her by the shoulders. “You need a place where you can grow; my living room isn’t going to do that for you. And don’t worry, they love you already.”
“How do you know that?” Angela’s voice was shaky. “They don’t know anything about me.”
“They know that you’re in trouble, and they have a lot of experience with trans people. Their names are John and Evelyn Shapiro, they have a trans daughter attending Bellcrest and they know exactly how to help you get started, if that’s what you want.”
“I…I don’t know what I want,” Angela began to quiver. “They’re going to hate me.”
“They’re not going to hate you,” I said, trying to be helpful, even though to be honest I had no idea who these people were. “You just have to give them a chance.”
“Uh, yeah,” Brianna glanced at me, she knew I was talking right out of my ass. “And I promise you, if you have any problems you can call Allison, she’ll be more than happy to help you.”
“Oh, yeah, totally,” I said. I’d done a great job of helping so far, but I swear my superpower was just shutting the hell up and letting everyone around me do the heavy lifting. “You have my number, right?”
“No…” She shook her head slowly.
“Okay, let me get it for you,” I unzipped my purse and reached for my phone. Sliding my finger across the screen to unlock, I noticed a new text message from an area code I knew very, very well: 704, North Carolina. I exhaled harshly and tapped it, watching the phone screen turn pale white for a moment. The message box opened, and I saw a lone message from the one person I never wanted to hear from again:
You need to call me, now. – Audri
I closed my eyes for a moment and gritted my teeth.
“You know what?” I said. “I’m going to get you that number in the car, let’s just get moving. As we headed toward the door, I texted back a single response: no.