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I came out to my older brother at work yesterday. I'd been debating with myself internally over doing so, but since we were about to go off-property for a while to do another properties shrubs, and it got over 80 degrees quickly, I really wanted to take the uniform t-shirt off. Problem was, I was wearing a bra with straps and a thin tank top underneath.
I know I could have told a half-truth about gynaecomastia and nipple chafing, but I wanted to be fully honest with him. To be honest, I think I was hoping in some corner of my mind to find some local support.
Well, he actually surprised me, he was not only understanding and accepting but he said, "well, that would certainly explain a lot of the things that've always been odd about you."
It's time for full disclosure. It is time to stop "being nobler in the mind to suffer", and to "take arms against a sea of troubles."
I am transgender. I always have been transgender. For years, after having been abused by a psychiatrist/psychologist (don't really know which), I've been suppressing my wish to be female. The suppression was so deep that I didn't really even know what I was doing. The wish to be female was even deeper, though. I think this is what caused my quarterly depressions. Four times a year, the internal battle would get to be too much and my mind would just shut down.
I now believe that my Pattengale character was my Heavenly Father's way of helping me come to terms with this, and to realize, yes, he does love me, and yes, he will still love me if I take this all the way. Those of you who don't believe we have a God, a father in heaven, by all means, think of it as some portion of my subconscious, you wouldn't be too far from the truth, since God works in mysterious ways, and his ways are not our ways.
I'm still not sure how far I want to take this, or how quickly, but this much I do know: I'm now going to use HHM as a serious attempt at feminizing my hormonal balance.
As such, I'm adding licorice to my cocktail, boosting my saw palmetto and chasteberry, and taking 24 grams of whole soy germ intentionally throughout the course of a day. 24 grams of whole soy germ actually slightly exceeds the typical estradiol dose in potency, just with phytoestrogens instead. I'm now taking an amount of chasteberry that, for me, seems to have the strongest feminizing effect without the opiate becoming too strong or the prolactin effect becoming too severe. I'm taking enough saw palmetto that nearly no testosterone should be being reduced to dihydrotestosterone, and when I start on the licorice (still waiting for it to come) I'll keep that one fairly low dose, since it is not only a powerful 17,20 lyase inhibitor, but also severely inhibits the reduction of cortisol to cortisone, which can cause pseudoaldosteronism, where excessive amounts of cortisol leads to "inappropriate stimulation of the mineralocorticoid receptor by cortisol." I'm going to need to also add a potassium supplement to counteract another of licorices problems: burns off potassium from the body faster.
I do not recommend anyone to follow me in this, I'm playing with fire, but I really honestly cannot afford a doctor at all. This cocktail is only going to cost about 100 a month, regular doctor visits, and hormones would probably cost significantly more. I highly doubt any doctor will castrate me just because I ask them to, which would reduce me to just needing the soy and chasteberry, which are safer... Would only be a one-time thing too. Whatever, junior and his twin brothers will just have to hang in there for a little longer.
Will I eventually make a full transition? This does seem likely at this point, but I'm not quite ready to fully contemplate that right now.
The reason this comes now is because I just passed through the second of my previous quarterly depressions since starting my herbals, and, like last time, a little more came out of the suppressed bubble I've been holding for so long.
Well, this is it. I'm done. Not to be is out, I'm to be.
Comments
I don't know why people
I don't know why people think the herbals are safer to use. However, they aren't and you still need to be monitored by a doctor, preferably an endocrinologist, at least twice a year. Hormones, even phyto-hormones, can mess up your balance as surely as the pharmecuetical grade estridiol taken without supervision.
The only person I know that got significant effects from the herbals was taking black cohosh in very large amounts, 2,000 mg, twice a day. And that was with a doctor's supervision. He had no unexpected bad side effects. He did experience the emotional benefits of estrogen, and had some relocation of body fat into hips and breast and a slight reduction in the waist, but was excercising (Pilates) using female excercise standards daily to enhance that effect. He also had an increased relocation of sub-cutaneous fat in the face, causing some feminizing effects, over 2 years. He chose the herbals because he did not want the effects to be permanent. There was little change in facial or body hair quantity and distribution, but it was softer and he could shave more closely. He had multiple laser sessions to remove facial hair, but even that was somewhat temporary. Those sessions improved his complexion by temporarily reducing pore size than the black cohosh did.
The fact that you have been on phytoestrogens and other herbals intended to meet your desires would likely go a long way toward getting you a prescritption without having to go through a therapist. Most doctors will charge according to a sliding scale, and a 90 day prescription for estrodiol can cost as little as $16 at WalMart pharmacies. A 'script for the same amount of generic Aldactone (Spirolactone) may cost a bit more, but remain below $100/month for both, in my preop experience.
If you decide to go ahead with self medication (and that is what you are doing) then keep an eye on yourself for pains in limbs, tingling in feet and hands, and sore places near the skin that might be associated with blood clots. Using herbals in excess of recommended doses can induce those and other side effects due to impurities introduced in manufacturing. Check into the ultimate source of the herbals. Often the packaging companies buy from several sources (China and Mexico being the primary ones), and they can vary a lot in actual content of the primary ingredient, including compounds (like lead and low levels of uranium that I know have been found) that can lead to unintended side effects.
Good Luck.
CaroL
CaroL
I didn't say safer than prescription hormones...
At all. The only time "safer" came up was when I said it'd be safer to go down to only soy germ and chasteberry compared to soy germ, chasteberry, saw palmetto, and licorice.
I know I'm playing with fire and intend to be careful.
I'd still need a shrink to eventually go all the way wouldn't I? An endo wouldn't give me a recommendation to take to Thailand without having ever gone through a therapist would they? (I say Thailand mostly because I know from research that docs there will do the surgeries with only one recommendation and don't care if it comes from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or endocrinologist.)
From what I saw when doing research on costs of hormones, they well exceeded what you're quoting - when you have no insurance.
Abigail Drew.
only person I know that got significant effects
My soy germ intake is 8 caps of 750 mg each, four times a day. That well exceeds what he was taking.
And what he was taking was ONLY a phyto-estrogen and progesterone. I'm taking a cocktail that includes both of those, and inhibits my testosterone, and is rather potent altogether.
I've done additional research on Chasteberry, and it seems that its precise effects are based on pre-existing hormonal balance, and dose. It can have an anti-testosterone effect, anti-estrogen effect, and can even cause lactation. The only real constants no matter the dose or pre-existing hormonal balance are a rise in progesterone and prolactin, a decrease in dopamine, and the mild opiate. Curiously, my dosage reaction seems to be more in line with a female who just has a progesterone deficiency.
I've covered what Saw Palmetto does, and trust me, my dose is very potent right now.
Out of what I'm taking right now, and about to take, the licorice comes with the most risks, with chasteberry coming closely on its heels, and saw palmetto and soy germ having almost no chance of adverse reactions (that I wouldn't want anyways... there's a few things saw palmetto can end up doing that I wouldn't mind at all).
Granted, there are still the risks from impurities, and for those I'm just going to have to pay very careful attention to my body.
Abigail Drew.
Mental Health and Medicaid
Hi Slice, This is an exciting blog! You go, girl!
I know I've suggested many things and some may have seemed off the wall, but I'm just trying to help.
Here's another: I'm pretty sure that just having a low income will not get you on medicaid, but Kim, my partner, gets little enough from social security that she's financially eligible and she sounded "nuts" enough to get onto the state mental health system for the poor; because she's poor enough and in the mental health system, she is automatically on state medicaid.
Don't know if you're poor enough, or how your state mental health system works, but you do have your depression. Just an idea, being TG isn't a mental illness, but you can act desparate, even unbalanced, etc. to become fem bodied and tell them all the herbs you take...Who knows? If you get prescribed antidepressants, you don't have to take them. It's just that medicaid should pay for you to see an endocrinologist!
Best of Luck, Again;
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Pretending to be unstable...
I don't think I can pull that one off. The depression is kicked, since instead of fighting my desire I'm now exploring it consciously, the unconscious battle is basically a by-gone conclusion.
I am supposed to be asperghers, but I'm currently making too MUCH to use that to get on any kind of state assistance. Since asperghers is classed as a form of autism, I would have to basically be bad enough to be considered handicapped and unable to work - if I make much at all, period, of above-the-table earnings, I'd be cut if I were already on it, since I'm not, I'd be stopped from even getting on it.
As for desperate... what's to be desperate about? I'm already taking care of it my own way. I can figure out ways to get where I want to be without much outside help.
Abigail Drew.