It has been two weeks since mother's trial. I was lying on my bed just reading one of my teen mags about Ricky Nelson, when mom came in and said Mr. Marks was downstairs. I went down and saw Mr. Marks talking to daddy. He greeted me with a smile as he saw me come in the living room.

"Well Sue, it looks like we can get you to see your mother on Saturday. Would that be okay?"

"Yes, sir. I just hope she isn't angry at me any more."

"Child, nobody in their right mind could ever be angry with you. You have the soul of an angel, always thinking well of others, even those that have harmed you. There aren't many children like you any more. You just continue being you, because we all love you the way you are."

I gave her a big hug. "Thanks, mom, and I love all of you, too.

I was happy that I could get to see my mother. I only hope that when she sees me, she won't yell at me. I sat down on the chair directly across from Mr. Marks and daddy. Mom was making coffee and getting snack crackers for us to snack on. Mr. Marks was a nice man, and he was like a father to me too. Both families have known me since I was in kindergarten with Bobbie and Cindy. It is good I got to live with the Grangers because Bobbie was like a real sister. Mom was a foster mother and has had many children come and go through her home. I wasn't worried though, because if Mr. Marks had his way, he would get mom and daddy to adopt me and Angela.

Mom brought in coffee for the adults, and lemonade for us. She had a saucer with Ritz crackers on them, and cheese slices. Daddy had to be funny and made a triple decker. Bobbie, Cindy, and I looked at each other. We giggled.

"What's so funny?" Daddy asked still chewing his snack.

"You are daddy," Bobbie replied still giggling. "I mean, a triple decker? Wow." We all giggled again. Daddy turned red. It was funny.

"Well, I really came over here to tell Susan the good news. But Sue, when we go there, you will sit across from her, I will be in between, and one of the hospital staff will be there too. I'm told by the hospital that your birth mother is not doing so well. She keeps to herself, and so far has resisted any effort at therapy. Her doctor told me that she isn't going to force her to sit in a group, and will hopefully attend group on her own. She said it will take time, because your birth mother seems traumatized by what happened in court.

"So, for this and other visits, we will have to chaperone them, to make sure she doesn't harm you. If she is resisting going to therapy, and doing other productive things, there is no telling what she is thinking. Her doctor has given her medicine to calm her down, but even the doctor said that sometimes a strong will can overcome the effects of the medicine, and your birth mother certainly has a strong will."

Mr. Marks said before he left that Cindy could spend the night. He gave me, Bobbie and Cindy a big hug and left. I was worried that mother wasn't doing what was good for her. Maybe after seeing me for a few visits will change all of that. I certainly hope so.

Mom came in and said we should get ready for bed, and then we could come back down and watch television for a bit. We all went to Bobbie's room, with a stop by mine to get my baby doll and my robe and slippers. Then we all went to Bobbie's room, and changed. We sat there for a while just talking about what Mr. Marks said. I told them why I was worried. Cindy said not to worry because her father would make sure she couldn't harm me. That wasn't my real worry though. I was worried that she wouldn't let the doctor help her. That would mean she would be there longer. I am going to see if I can't get her to go to group therapy. My birth mother never hit me, just yelled a lot. But would she hit me now, or at least try because of where she is, and blame me for all of this? That was a worry but not one that couldn't be handled. I just want her to get the help she needs. We talked a little more about nothing really, when mom came up and said it is was time we went to sleep. We giggled, and she turned out the lights.

The week went by fast, and I was ready to see mother. I just hope she can see that this is for her own good. Mr. Marks was already in the kitchen when I got my breakfast. I just had a slice of grape jelly toast, milk, and juice. After rinsing my dishes, he asked me if I was ready. I said I was as ready as I will ever be, and we went out to the car after giving mom and daddy a big hug and telling them I love them. When I got out to the car, I saw Bobbie and Cindy sitting in the back seat.

"Are they going too?"

"Yes ma'am. They won't be allowed in the visiting room, but I figured you needed all the support you can get right now. Besides, I don't quite fit the physical for girl talk."

We giggled because Mr. Marks was funny. But he was right, I could sure use Bobbie and Cindy's support right now. I wondered too if I was doing the right thing in seeing mother this soon. I mean it has only been a little over two weeks since she has been there. But I was also told by Mr. Marks that this was only the observation period, and not the actual sentence. Mr. Marks said if mother didn't respond to treatment, she could still go to prison. I was worried for her. She just doesn't know how lucky she is; first of all still be able to get us back, and second to be able to be in the hospital instead of prison. The only thing I know about prison is from prison movies. But if that is the way prisons are, then she needs to be in the hospital. I'm going to have to make sure she realizes that.

And I thought about what Mr. Marks said too about her having a strong will. She could just be doing this to make the doctors have the judge commit her to the hospital. I had never seen the inside of a real psychiatric hospital, so when we got there, we were taken on a tour. We were showed patients doing several different things in what they called the crafts room. I saw patients that seemed like they were in a different world. I asked about them, and I was told that they were on so much medication that it kept them calmed down so they wouldn't hurt themselves or others. I just hoped mother wasn't like these.

We got to the building where mother was, and we were told to sit in the visiting room. Mother was brought in by a woman that looked like a nurse. I was told she was called a matron. Mother was directed to sit across from me at a table. Mr. Marks was between us, and the matron stood behind mother. I sat there for a few minutes trying to think of what to say. I mean, it's funny, I had everything all planned out, and now I couldn't even think of how to start. Then I just wanted to get the visit started, so I asked how she was.

"How do you think I am? I'm in this god awful place, and they want me to tell my story to total strangers. I'm not used to this. The doctor is giving me medicine to keep me calmed down. She is afraid I will hurt myself. She wants me to get used to basket weaving as we call it here. That just means they want to keep us busy."

"Are you still angry at me?"

"I should be. You're the one that caused all of this. But the medicine has me so calmed down, I can't even think straight half the time." I looked at Mr. Marks, but he just shook his head. "And this, the chaperoned visits. It only proves they don't trust me. Ronnie you were always a good boy, and you never gave me any reason to punish you..."

Mother didn't get to finish. Mr. Marks told mother that the visit was over, and he nodded to the matron, who took mother back to wherever it was she had to go. Mr. Marks didn't say anything until we got in the car.

"I'm sorry, Susan, maybe this was too early. I will keep in touch with the doctor to see how she is doing. Maybe you can come back to visit after the judge commits her to the hospital. I certainly wasn't expecting anything less than what she said. She still either can't see what she has done wrong, or she is very calculating and making sure people see her as mentally ill. Whatever her reason, I could see that this wasn't getting anywhere. So let's hold off on the visits until the judge has comitted her, and she has been there for a while. Anyway, girls, who's hungry?"

We all said we were, but I wasn't, not really. I was worried that she might be resisiting therapy, but I had no idea she still thought of me as a boy. I mean, how can she still think of me as a boy, when everything says I'm not. I wondered if I had to get pregnant just to prove to her how female I really am. I got rid of that thought as quickly as it entered my mind. I'm not even in high school yet. I told Mr. Marks we could stop for something to eat but I wasn't really hungry.

"I mean, she called me Ronnie and called me a good boy. I'm not too hungry, I will eat something, but not a lot. My tummy feels weird. I mean, why can't she see what she has done wrong? Or maybe she can, and that's the whole point. She wants people to think she is mentally ill, so she doesn't have to go to prison. And she didn't even ask about Angela. She didn't ask how I was doing, or anything else. Does she really hate us that much?"

"That is a good question, Sue," Bobbie said looking at me with concern. "But we love you. You have been my sister for longer than just dressing up once in a while. Now everybody can see why you dressed up, except for your birth mother. But mom loves you and daddy loves you, and you also have Cindy and her family too. It's like wow, girlfriend, you have won the whole rainbow not just the pot of gold. So tell you what. Let's forget this day for a long while, and just get back to having fun. After all, isn't that what being a girl is all about, having fun?"

"Bobbie is right Sue," Cindy added looking worried about me too. "Your birth mother may never accept that she is the one who did wrong. She wants to blame somebody for her wrongs, and you were elected, because in her mind, you are the one that is wrong. We all know, Sue, that your birth mother was doing wrong anyway, but now, she can't even accept the responsibility. She will never get out of the hopsital Sue, if she keeps blaming everybody but herself.

But I was worried. Everything was going just fine until I started feeling this emotional rollercoaster and then she got angry at me more and more, and yelled constantly at me. I started crying, and Bobbie and Cindy just hugged me, and Cindy told her father to just take us home, so I could settle down. When we got to the house I just ran to my room. Mom was right behind me, with Bobbie and Cindy following. I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now, I just wanted to cry. Mom held my head on her breast and gently rocked me back and forth, telling me it was going to be all right. I don't know how long I had cried, or when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I felt like I had slept all night, and it had only been a couple of hours. I still felt drained though.

I went down to the living room, and Mr. Marks was still there. Mother saw me, and came over by me.

"How are you feeling, dear?"

"I feel fine, except I feel drained."

"Well, you have been through a lot today emotionally. Mr. Marks told me what happened with the visit. Honey, I agree with Mr. Marks that maybe you should hold off until after the judge has committed her formally. Right now she is still in the pre-sentence observation stage. She will be back in a couple of weeks to face the actual sentence. Now Sue, sweetie, I want you to know that despite our best efforts, she may still go to prison. See, originally she was charged with child abuse and neglect, and depending on the severity, could be a felony, which is what she faced. Now she is acting like she didn't know or realize what she did, and wants everybody to see her as mentally ill. But whatever her reasoning or lack of it, what she said to you today was not entirely unexpected. We will see how things go when she comes back."

"What is a felony?"

"Well there are two classifications of crime; misdemeanors and felonies. Misdemeanors are crimes like speeding, or jaywalking. Felonies are serious crimes that people can be sent to prison for one year or more. It depends on how severe the crime is if a person is charged with one or the other. Your mother ignored the fact that you are genetically female for almost thirteen years. This isn't just a passing mistake, this is a willful violation of your right to be brought up like a girl, instead of the boy she wanted you to be. Honey, we all love you here. You have been a part of our family ever since you met Bobbie in kindergarten.

"Why, I remember when you spilled ice cream on your good shirt, and we had to give you one of Bobbie's to wear until yours was cleaned. You looked so cute then," she said rubbing noses with me. "That was when Bobbie had the idea, that the next time you came over she was going to see what you looked like completely dressed as a girl. Except for the short hair, you were beautiful. Of course, I wasn't supposed to know anything about it. So you see, Sue, everybody loves you for you. It doesn't really matter I guess now, what your birth mother thinks anymore. She's made her bed and now she has to lie in it, short sheets and all. Do you think it is a good idea for you to be at the sentencing? I mean she could try to get to you. Although we will be there with you, she could still try. I think it would be best if you didn't go to the sentencing."

"But I want to go, mom. She isn't a bad person, I know she isn't. I want her to know that I am there." I pleaded, but I really didn't have to, because Mrs. Granger, mom, would let me go anyway. But she also cautioned me that the whole two families would be there to make sure I was protected, even though the court bailiff was a deputy sheriff. I fell asleep again with mother holding me. When I woke up, Bobbie and Cindy were sitting in the chairs across from me.

"It's about time you woke up, sleepyhead. Sue you have been sleeping a lot lately, and we are worried that you could be getting depressed. I have seen it in others that mother has fostered, and it isn't good. We need to get you into shopping again and having fun. And we will be there with you. Sue, you're our sister, and we love you. But you need to come out of that 'if I sleep I'm protected' shell. That's what mother calls it when the kids she fosters get so sad they get depressed. So please, if you want to go shopping, just ask, and we will go with you. We know that this thing with your mother has you down, but perk up girlfriend, we're here for you."

"Thank you Bobbie. Thank you both. Everybody has been so kind. I mean, what did I ever do to my birth mother that she denied me to be raised how I was born? That doesn't make any sense, and what she said to me at the hospital shows she still thinks of me as a boy. That's what hurts the most. She doesn't even think of me as a girl." I broke down again, and this time mom came in to see how I was doing. She sat down on the bed, and held me, while Bobbie and Cindy gave me hugs, and told me everything is all right now.

Mom rocked me back and forth and made soothing sounds to calm me down. She kept telling me over and over, that my birth mother needed a lot of help, and if she kept thinking of me as a boy, then she would never leave the hospital. She said because it is a court commitment that the hospital would be sending regular reports to the district attorney's office, and they would inform the court if my birth mother was progressing in treatment or not.
 
 
Part II - There is a storm on the horizon
 
 
When the sun came up, I was in my bed, in my Minnie Mouse pajamas. I got up and looked out of the window. The robins were in the yard, so I opened the window to hear them sing. One flew up on my window sill and just sat there chirping away. I smiled as I got dressed, because this robin had to be used to people. She or was it a he, wasn't afraid of my movements. I hummed along with the robin, and it was a glorious morning. I told the robin I had to close my window because it was actually getting cold outside. The robin flew back to the nest in the tree, and I closed the window. I went downstairs to the kitchen. As I sat down with my breakfast of a slice of jelly toast, milk, and juice. Mom asked me how I felt.

"I feel fine, I guess. I don't think it would be good for me not to see mother. I mean what she said hurt, and was unexpected for me, but she has to get used to seeing Susan. She has to know that I am not the boy she thought I was and never was. Mom, she needs my help, and I have to help her as much as possible."

"Are you sure, sweetie? I mean, you were a total wreck when you got back from that visit. Don't you think you should wait maybe a few months so that maybe she can take advantage of the therapy programs the hospital has to offer? Susan I was worried when you went to see your mother. Even though the hospital can protect you to a degree from her, it is still not safe for you to go and see her. Not right now anyways. In a couple of weeks we will see just what the judge says and what the doctor's reports recommend. Like I said Susan, she could still go to prison as a convicted criminal rather than a mentally ill person."

"I know I was upset yesterday, and I know that she is still going to call me a boy. But now that I know that, I can help her. I can. Please mom, let me go to see her, at least on a Saturday or a Sunday." I had said this pleadingly, because I really do want to help my birth mother get well. I think if she continues to see Susan, then she will know that she did wrong, and should have listened to the doctor that delivered me. I don't understand why she didn't, and maybe only my birth mother will know. But I am her daughter, and she needs my help. What was that line...blood is thicker than water? I guess so.

"Anyways mom, my birth mother is just mixed up about certain things. I mean, she never taught me right from wrong. I got that from you and Cindy's parents too. You have all taken me in not only in the house, but in your hearts too, and I will always be grateful for that. But my birth mother is in my heart too, and she needs what little help I can give her."

"Child, you are one in a million. I will tell you what, I will talk to Mr. Marks about what you said. I will see if he can get some type of program your mother will actually take part in. And maybe we can have as a part of that treatment that she can see you, and talk to you without anyone interferring.

We talked a little more, and then looking around the kitchen to make sure everything was clean and tidy, I got my coat and we went off to church. I prayed that mother would be able to see what she did wrong, and be able to accept me as the girl I was born as. I prayed too that she take part in whatever therapy the hospital had to offer, and that she wouldn't go to prison because she wasn't really a bad person.

The next two weeks went by in flurry. I slept a lot, and sulked, and stayed to myself. Bobbie and Cindy were always there though, and never complained about staying with me. They knew the reasons why I was in this state. The district attorney called us to say mother would be in court on Monday for her final sentencing. I prayed again that she go to the hospital instead of a prison.

I went downstairs Monday morning after getting dressed in what seemed like a fog. I wasn't very hungry so I just had juice and milk. After the kitchen was cleaned up, we headed for the courthouse. How was this going to turn out? Mother was really mixed up and needed help, but would the doctors tell the judge that. Well, whatever happens today, I will still love her and I will still try to help her through visits.

When we got to the courthouse, Kathy was standing outside the courtroom door talking to mother's attorney. When she saw us coming, she came over and greeted us.

"Well thank you for coming. Susan are you going to be strong through this? Let me just say this though, the doctors at the hospital did not file a good report. They are saying that since your mother has refused any efforts at therapy, and has refused to answer most questions by her doctor, that commitment to the department is not recommended because the defendant exhibits all traces of normalcy, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association. I will state my recommendation, but the final decision rests with the judge. Come, let's go in."

We went in and sat down in a pew that was reserved for the family. I saw the bailiff on the phone a few times, before another deputy sheriff brought mother in and had her sit at the table with her attorney. Then the judge came in and sat down without the bailiff having time to call the court to order. But he did it after the judge sat down. The bailiff called the case and said the matter was set for sentencing. The judge read from the folder, and then looked at mother, then at the rest of us.

"Will the defendant please rise? I remember this case as it was being tried. Miss Kelly, do you have anything to say before the court passes sentence?"

"Yes. Why am I being punished like this? All I did was raise my son and baby daughter, and try to be a good mother. What is so wrong in that?"

"Miss Kelly, you still want this court to believe that you did not know that your oldest child is anatomically female? The doctors at the hospital have reported that you haven't taken part in any therapy program, you have resisted every effort to give your side of the what you feel you were doing to your doctor. And on top of that you still insist you have a son, when all the medical evidence says otherwise. I'm not going for it ma'am. Do you have anything else to say in your defense as to why sentence should not be pronounced."

"Yes I do," she spouted vehemently. She turned and looked at us and spoke directly to me. "I will get you for this you stupid little bitch. Everything was fine until your friends butted in. I will not forget what you have done."

"Since the defendant has refused to accept the responsibility for her actions, it is the sentence of this court that the defendant, Margaret Kelly be sentenced to not more than ten years in the state prison for women. It is so ordered." Then the judge left the courtroom in a hurry.