Has Sasha awakened from a dream, or into one?

The alarm clock beeped and I reached over to hit the snooze button. I breathed deeply and exhaled as I felt a loving embrace reach around me. I recognized a soft, feminine hand and its elegantly manicured nails with carefully polished white tips. My own nails looked the same.

“G’morning, honey,” the familiar voice greeted me from behind. Her hand rubbed my tummy through the top of my sleepwear, a set of a very light blue satin with white lace trim. It has a loose-fitting top with thin straps over the shoulders and shorts with slit sides at the bottom of the legs. I think that once Sonia had told me that this kind of top was a camisole and the shorts were tap pants. But it all felt very nice, especially while Tina was rubbing my tummy through it.

“Good morning, Tina,” I answered and rolled over to see her. She was wearing the same style of sleepwear as I was, but pink instead of blue.

“Did you sleep well, my husband?” she asked, her warm, brown eyes focused intently on mine.

Husband? We just began dating two weeks ago, but she’s here in my bed and I recognize this as my room, in the house where I live with Sis, Mom, and Dad, when he can be here. Also, she and I are wearing the same style of lingerie. Women’s lingerie.

I looked over at the alarm clock again. The LEDs in the display were green.

“I’m not so sure,” I answered truthfully. My anxiety, though, might be more from what I’d seen since waking up than while dreaming.

This morning looked like all of yesterday’s hallucinations, except my perceptions weren’t shifting. After some five minutes I still saw a clock display of the wrong color, and a Tina who thinks she’s married to me, and, like her, I had a French manicure.

She pulled me closer to herself and I felt the warmth of her body and her soft, delicate skin. My own skin felt almost as soft as I became aware that my arms and legs were hairless and smooth. Tina’s feminine scent began to arouse me as I felt my manhood stirring in my satin shorts. We locked our lips together and I tasted the flavor of her raspberry lip gloss. She usually wears strawberry, so it must have been a special occasion. In any case, I was enjoying this kiss, as was she.

Since our lingerie was of the same design, it was likely that Tina knew I would be wearing it and perhaps even selected it.

“So, Tina,” I asked, “how do I look in my nightie?”

“Like I said before,” she answered, “you’re just way too cute to be a boy! You should really get used to dressing like a girl. You’re so pretty it should be a crime for you not to. That’s why me and Sonia wanted you to try it so much.”

Now, I did not remember her saying anything like that before. But there I was in a nightie and a French manicure just like hers, that I’d been seeing in my hallucinations. If these were hallucinations?

Maybe the suspicion that I entertained yesterday was closer to the truth than I thought. Maybe Sonia was trying to play an elaborate joke on me. Then it’s possible for Tina to be involved in it, too, especially since we woke up today wearing matching nighties. Did my sister want to humiliate me so badly? She had teased me about it many times, so I didn’t think that I could ever dismiss it as something that she might do. Yet Tina said that she doesn’t believe Sis would ever try to humiliate me.

But Tina calling me “husband”? Neither she nor I would be so impulsive as to get married still in our teens after dating only two weeks. Yet, all this seemed—it felt—too real to be mere hallucinations.

“Sasha, are you alright? You look distant right now,” Tina said to me, her face bearing a look of concern.

“All of this,” I answered her, “well, it seems—like a dream!”

“Yes, love!” Tina says, “It’s my dream and you made it real for me!” She pulls me closer and kisses me again.

What’s in that raspberry lip gloss of hers, anyway?

*****************************

After showering, I returned to my bedroom to dress. Sitting at the edge of my bed, I pulled on my underwear and went to my sock drawer. But as I bent myself into position to put a sock on my right foot, I noticed the sheen of clear nail polish on my toenails, which had been quite expertly trimmed. Then, I was startled to see that I held a rolled up pair of white pantyhose in my hands. Immediately I recoiled in fear, stood up, and dropped the pantyhose. Looking down at the floor were my simple white athletic socks, the same style that I always wear with sneakers, almost every day.

I picked up my socks from the floor and looked again for signs of a pedicure, which now were nowhere to be seen. Sitting once again on the edge of my bed, I closed my eyes and pulled on my socks before I could once more be frightened by them. So, how easy might it be to dress completely with my eyes closed, not looking until done?

Aaron Copland’s «Danza de Jalisco» rang out once again from my cell phone.

“Good morning, Sasha!” Tina’s voice came from the other end. “How’s my boyfriend today?”

“Good morning, Tina!” I continued facetiously, “I’m losing my mind! How are you?”

“I’m fine, you drama queen! But I’d be even better if I could join you and Sonia for breakfast,” she answered. “Is that okay with your Mom?”

Drama queen?

At the top of the staircase I yelled downstairs, “Mom, Tina wants to come for breakfast! Is that okay with you?”

«Да, мой Саша!» Mom yelled back.

“Sure, Tina. She says you can come. Besides, I’m anxious to see you again. Seems that I dreamed, or maybe hallucinated again, that we woke up together.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

“By the way,” she began, “even though you can’t come to school, don’t forget today is Spring Spirit Day. Dress appropriately.”

“Speaking of dress, do you ever wear raspberry lipgloss?” I asked her.

“I’m wearing it now,” she answered. “How did you know?”

“S’pose I told you ’twas in my morning hallucination?”

“Weird! You’ll have to tell me over breakfast. I’ll see you in a few minutes. G’bye!” she said and hung up the call.

I dressed quickly in a pair of red denim jeans and a black tee-shirt, then put on my sneakers. Red jeans are not so easy to find, but we could buy them at the school bookstore where they stock them in our school colors.

Then I noticed the blue form from school on my desk. It reminded me that I cannot return to school just yet. A qualified health-care provider would need to sign off on it before I could return to school. Besides, I didn’t care to revisit Nurse Banner without my Mom’s recipe for pieroshkis.The books and assignments were stacked up on my desk, so I could work on those until Ms. Tollefson, the school psychologist, came to see me. No reason to fall behind in my classes if I didn’t have to.

I’m disturbed most by the persistence and stability of my waking hallucination today. It held for a few minutes, and the longer it held, the more real it felt. Although it was a hallucination, I felt Tina caress me and rub my tummy. The satin was soft and smooth on my skin. I had observed the detail in the lace trim and the stitching on the bows of our lingerie as well as the grain of the wood on my dresser. I never thought to look for a pedicure, but I noticed a glossy, sheen of clear nail polish on my toenails. There was no mistaking the timbre of Tina’s voice, the pitch contour of every vowel and diphthong, and her distinctly softened sibilants. I could smell her perfume lingering from yesterday and catch the scent of her womanhood matching her warmth. And I was surprised by the tart taste of her lipgloss. Yes, it all seemed too real.

But there was even more happening, than just the basic senses seeming so real. I could feel—no—I knew that there’s a reality to this in my own mind. It seemed that Tina and I pick our lingerie together and that my crossdressing and our dressing like each other is a very special affair within our marriage. Somehow I did this willingly and happily with her.

Yet as real as all this seemed, it couldn’t be real. It was a hallucination, my very considerable imagination on overdrive and running rampant. Hoping that Sis had somehow outdone herself as a prankster and joker, that she’s somehow creating a series of illusions to fool me into fulfilling her fantasy of me crossdressing, it was now clear that this was a trick of my own thoughts, not sleight-of-hand but frame-of-mind. Moreover, from what Mom and Tina told me yesterday, Sonia’s fantasy is something that she wants me to enjoy with her.

Since the hallucination this morning both persisted longer and seemed more real, I’m worried that they will get more stable, lasting longer and becoming more powerful, until I’m drawn into them and lose any connection with the real world. If it continues, I will likely lose my mind.

When my hallucination of Tina appeared this morning, it seduced me. I thought that it was my real Tina, even though it could not be her. I was only sixteen, but I could still distinguish reality from imagination, couldn't I? This was crazy.

The school psychologist will have to believe me if I’m to get help for this. But the consensus of opinion at school was that she had more loose screws than a hardware store. So, I was less than confident about meeting with her. Maybe I should just find help on my own. How good could a school shrink be with hallucinations, anyway? She was there mostly to give psychometric tests and guess who had some hyperactivity or attention deficit disorder. It wouldn't be fun.

I felt two arms reach over my shoulders and cross over my chest. I felt Tina’s touch again. Glancing down, I noticed my alternative attire for the day. Instead of the black tee-shirt was a black silk turtleneck and the jeans were replaced by a pleated red denim miniskirt. Today my pantyhose were white and I wore a pair of black maryjanes. Tina wore a white silk turtleneck, a pleated black miniskirt, and red hose with her black maryjanes, so that we were dressed in complementary styles.

Tina and I embraced one another and kissed.

“Honey,” she said, “sit down and let me do your makeup today. With Ms. Tollefson coming over you want a very subtle look for her. After all, you don’t want to scare the school psychologist.”

I giggled. Not laughed, but giggled like a girl. Like Tina and Sis and Mom giggle. And I felt really good doing it.

“When she sees me dressed like this she’ll run from the house screaming,” I said.

“Why? Quite a few guys do it with their wives or girlfriends nowadays,” Tina tried to reassure me.

Quite a few? I’m the only guy that I know who apparently borrows his wife’s (?) clothing with her active encouragement.

Tina proceeded to apply the various kinds of cosmetics to my face, but very lightly, explaining as she went. Apparently I hadn’t been crossdressing very long and Tina instilled the feelings of confidence that a good teacher gives. She’s not just doing my makeup, but teaching me how to do it for myself.

She handed me the brush for the eyeliner. “Remember the theme today is subtlety,” she reminded me. “Let’s see how well you do it yourself.”

I brushed a few strokes lightly over one eye with the eyeliner and stopped, glancing to make eye contact with her.

“That’s it. Now the other eye,” she said, prompting me. I brushed a few more strokes and Tina smiled.

“Sasha, my love,” she said, “you keep getting better and better at this. I know that adapting to this lifestyle is not easy, but I’m very proud of you—proud that you’d do it for me and proud that you’re doing it so well.”

“Well, I do have a good teacher,” I remarked to her, smiling.

Tina blushed, then continued the lesson.

“Hmm? The best hairstyle for you today is prob’ly a simple ponytail,” she said drawing my hair up between a thumb and index finger. Opening a drawer in her vanity she took out two hair ribbons, a white and a red, and two pink scrunchies.

“Remember, a girl wears her ponytail higher than a boy, almost at the very crown. Boys with long hair usually tie it off at or below the ears.”

I brushed out my hair, found the right spot on my crown and gathered my hair in between my thumb and forefinger as I had seen Tina do, then slid the scrunchie from my wrist to my hair. Tina then tied the white ribbon into a perfect bow between my scalp and the scrunchie, the entire operation needing maybe less time to do than to describe.

“Honey,” she asked, “would you do the same for me?” She passed me the red ribbon.

“Why, of course!” I answered, accepting the ribbon from her. She quickly brushed out her hair slid her scrunchie onto it and I tied it off as she had sone with mine. She then removed her scrunchie and I did likewise.

We both smiled in the mirror and briefly kissed. Then, a shiver ran through me as it dawned on me that indeed, I liked how I look. Suddenly, dressing up like a girl seemed normal to me. Maybe I wasn’t born to it, but it somehow felt right. I had acquired new skills and was creating a new persona whom others like and who I enjoy being.

“Something’s missing,” I said, opening the lid of the jewelry box on the vanity.

Tina smiled at me. “You have learned well, my love,” she said. “You’re prompting me now.”

We both selected cross pendants today. Mine was a Russian cross in sterling silver; Tina’s, a golden crucifix. We also chose watches and bracelets in matching metallic tones. Giggling, we helped each other fasten our jewelry. Then, neither Tina nor I could believe what I said next. “Where can we go when you’re back from school this afternoon. We’re both too cute to waste all this effort on staying home.”

She stared at me wide-eyed, her mouth agape.

“Anywhere you want to go, honey,” she answered in disbelief. “Anywhere you want.”

“After I talk to Mis’ Tollefson I figure that I’ll be ready to get outta here really bad. Besides, I do look like a girl, don’t I?”

“Just remember to flash those wedding rings when the boys try to pick you up, Hubby!” Tina warned me.

“And don’t you forget to do the same, Wifey!” I retorted and then quickly planted a kiss on her lips.

“You ready for breakfast yet, Li’l Bro?” Sonia asked, peeking through my door.

I looked down at my—jeans. The hallucination was gone, but instead of feeling relief, I felt—wistful.

As I got to the bottom of the stairs, the doorbell rang. I answered the door to see Tina wearing the white silk turtleneck, the pleated black denim miniskirt, the red pantyhose, and the black maryjanes. Also, she wore the gold crucifix with a matching ladies watch and bracelet. Just like in my hallucination. Her one incongruous item of apparel was a red baseball cap with black and white trim. Her hair was in a ponytail hanging out the back, secured by a red bow.

“Good morning, Sasha!” she greeted me. “I got you this for Spring Spirit Day. I see you’re dressed for it.”

From her totebag Tina took a white baseball cap with red and black trim to present to me.

“Oh! Take this, too!” Tina remembered. “You might try this to gather your hair and thread it through the back of the cap,” removing a pink scrunchie from her wrist to give me. “You can tie it off with this,” she continued handing me a white hair ribbon.

I blushed.

“Thank you, Tina. Maybe I should wear the hat when the school shrink visits?” I joked with her.

“I was hoping you might wear the hair ribbon when she talks to you,” Tina said, giggling. The giggle was echoed by my sister behind me.

“Sis! Give it a break!” I yelled. But their giggles escalated to full-blown laughter.

“Come in, Tina,” Sonia invited her into the house. “Breakfast is ready. You can sit next to Sasha.”

“Please!” I said to my girlfriend. “I want you there if I hallucinate again. Or even if I don’t.”

In the kitchen, everyone was quickly seated, even Mom, since Sis had helped prepare breakfast with her. As she sat down, I noted Tina’s red cap. The red and white baseball caps matching our pantyhose and hair ribbons from the hallucination were altogether too weird. If Tina had just brought hair ribbons, that would have been easier. But with the baseball caps, it seemed that reality itself was beginning to tease me. Like I needed another source of teasing!

When we sat down at table, for just a moment, I thought that I saw Tina wearing just the red ribbon in her hair, but at second glance, she was still wearing her basebal cap. Meanwhile I placed mine at the side of the table.

“Sonia, this is yours!” Tina presented Sis a black baseball cap with red and white trim and a matching black hair ribbon.

“Thanks, Tina!” She smiled and quickly put her hair up in a scrunchie and Tina tied off Sonia’s ponytail with the black ribbon.

“Sasha!” Tina pouted. “You’re not wearing yours?”

“A gentleman doesn’t wear his hat at table. That would be bad manners,” I reminded her.

Sonia giggled. “Would it be proper for a boy to wear a baseball cap at table if dressed like a girl?”

“Sis! Can’t you sing another tune?” I objected.

“Yes, Sonia,” Mom added. “Don’t tease your brother when he’s showing good manners! It’s rare enough among youth today. You should encourage him!”

Tina also rallied to my cause. “So few boys know how to be nice to a girl nowadays,” she explained. “I feel privileged to have Sasha for my boyfriend. If manners dictate he should wait to wear his new hat, then I’ll be content to wait.” She smiled at me.

Mom had taught us good manners from as young as I can remember. She had always presented manners as a game, one that I had learned to enjoy playing.

We continued our small talk and sillier topics as breakfast progressed. Tina appeared to have enjoyed learning the Russian custom of sweetening her tea with jam.

“So, when does Mis’ Tollefson come today?” Tina inquired, referring to the school psychologist.

“Some time after lunch,” I replied. “Of course, since I’m not allowed to go back to school yet, she must come here and because I’m absent for a medical issue, I mostly have to stay home. Like, I can’t go to the mall, the arcade, or even the library to study during school hours.

“I doubt it will be boring when Mis’ Tollefson shows up, though,” I said and the girls giggled at the remark. Our school psychologist had won herself the reputation for being weirder than anyone else on the staff or faculty.

“Sasha, did you have any new hallucinations this morning?” Mom asked.

“Yes, but it seemed more pleasant than scary,” I said glancing obliquely and grinning at Tina. She giggled again.

“What?” Sonia demanded to know, puzzled.

Then I made an involuntary mistake that Sis would never let me forget. Like a girl, I giggled.

“Sasha, you giggled!” Sonia beamed. “And that’s distinctly how girls giggle.”

“He did it yesterday, too,” Mom felt compelled to report.

“Oh, really?” Sis asked, looking at Mom then Tina. “Are you sure there’s not just a little bit of girl inside you?” she teased.

I knew where this line of discussion was leading and, especially today, I did not want to go there.

“Give it a rest, Sis! After yesterday and so far this morning, it’s just not funny anymore,” I objected quite truthfully.

Maybe these hallucinations were somehow trying to suggest that I should—or would—fulfill Sonia’s fantasy? But then why is Tina in them and not Sis? Tina’s talk indicated that this was somehow very important to my sister, as weird as it seemed.

Still, I was uncomfortable with the idea. I was small enough a boy that my masculinity felt threatened. That’s why I went out for baseball, soccer, and especially ice hockey. At soccer I would get quite a few yellow cards, so my teammates thought I was tough even though small. In truth, I got so many yellow cards, but not red, because I was clumsy, tending to get in an opponent’s way, colliding with and tripping them up unintentionally. However, it made my friends and teammates think me more rugged, so I went with it. When playing ice hockey, I accumulated some serious time in the penalty box for much the same reason—or so everyone thought.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t understand why Sonia wanted to dress me up like a girl. And she had wanted this a long time, years in fact, since we were little. It made no sense to me whatever.

We finished breakfast and I went outside with Tina and Sis to wait on the schoolbus. Tina then produced a hairbrush from her totebag and brushed my hair into a ponytail (boy’s style) and secured it by a pink scrunchie from her wrist.

“You have the white hair ribbon?” Tina asked.

“Y’know, I’d rather not wear it,” I confessed to Tina.

“I know. But then I could just leave the pink scrunchie in your hair,” she said.

I gave her the white ribbon and Tina tied my hair off with it. She then helped me thread my ponytail through the back of my baseball cap. Sis giggled as she clapped her hands together and then high-fived my girlfriend.

“You guys planned this, didn’t you?” I asked.

Sis and Tina giggled again, beaming their most innocently mischievous smiles at me.

“I might have known!” I complained.

Tina embraced me to kiss, but it quickly became more of a challenge than usual since the bills of our baseball caps were in the way. She giggled and I chuckled as we had to adjust our angles of approach. But we found the right position and went for the long kiss.

“Guys! Get a room!” my sister teased.

We broke off our kiss more because we needed a breath than to acknowledge Sonia’s remark. (Sis had demonstrated some serious liplock to onlookers more than a few times!) We were still feeling giddy and continued giggling and laughing. Then to her surprise and delight, Tina and I both kissed Sis on opposite cheeks simutaneously.

“Sis, I do need to talk to you after school today,” I told her.

“What about, Li’l Bro?” she probed.

“I won’t know exactly until I’ve talked with the school shrink,” I told her, “but I’m wondering if our interactions had have anything to do with my hallucinations.”

“You mean my teasing, don’t you?” Sonia said, subdued and looking down sadly.

“Maybe,” I replied honestly, “but like I said, I can’t know for sure until I talk with Mis’ Tollefson. So don’t blame yourself. This isn’t about fault or blame. It’s about why this is all so weird. Most of it seems to be in my own head.”

“I still would feel better if you weren’t going through it,” she said.

“Of course you would,” I consoled her. “You’re my sister and you care for my well-being. That’s why you set me up with Tina, right?”

Sis smiled at me with tears in her eyes. I kissed her on the cheek and with Tina, we all hugged together as the schoolbus pulled up. I helped Sis onto the bus and kissed Tina as she boarded. As the bus pulled away, I went back into the house to wait for the school psychologist.