Carlie has sissy predispositions, but overcomes difficulties with love, courage and increasing self-awareness. In this chapter, Carlie starts walking the walk toward motherhood.
V. An Impossible Quest
I didn’t know how I could become a mother, but I wanted to be ready when God made me one. I knew I wanted to be able to nurse my baby, as Sandy had with Liz. So I needed breasts — not show breasts from implants, but breasts that could suckle a child. I wasn’t going to stop taking my BC pills. In fact, I was going to ask whatever counselor I got about growing bigger breasts.
I got into bed with new resolve, but my thoughts were swirling so much I couldn’t sleep. I thought that while I was waiting for God to give me my baby, I should pursue what I now saw as my “career” — being a nanny. If it was a career, wasn’t there training for it? In the morning I’d call State and make an appointment with a guidance counselor about courses I could take. Once I found something I could do, by mind quieted and I slept soundly.
In the morning I told Kate what I’d decided. She started crying. I hugged her — or rather we hugged each other because I started crying too. I asked her why she was crying.
“Because we’re so much alike. I want to be a mother too, even prayed for it, but I’ll never be one.”
“You have me, Kate, mommy — if you want me.”
“You mean it?”
I nodded.
“Oh, I do. I really do!”
We cried and hugged again. Maybe God wouldn’t answer my prayer, but He answered Kate’s. Or had I? My love answered her prayer. I remembered mom telling me “God is Love.” Maybe there was no difference between my love answering her prayer and God doing it. It was too much to think about. I just knew I was happy to have Kate be my mommy, and she wanted to give me all the love she had.
I had to catch the bus to Sandy’s, so Kate and I didn’t have much time to celebrate our new relationship. Lupe must have been working someplace else, as I didn’t see her. I texted Judy and told her everything. She was still texting me back when I got to my stop and walked to Sandy’s apartment. When I got there, I told Sandy that I had a lot to tell her. Again, there was no time as she had to leave soon after I arrived.
I treated Liz the same, but my actions took on new value now that being a nanny was my career -- and preparation for mothering my own child. During Liz’s nap I called State and made an appointment to see a guidance counselor the next night after work.
When Sandy got home we had a long talk. She was very supportive, but said it might be hard for me to find work as a male nanny. I said, “I’m working for you, aren’t I?” She had to admit that I was, so there was hope. She promised me a glowing recommendation when the time came. She said she’d noticed my nipples had gotten more prominent recently, but didn’t want to embarrass me by saying anything. I asked her to look and see if I was fooling myself about blossoming. She said that my chest looked very like hers when she was starting puberty. I left feeling good about myself and what was happening.
On the way home I texted Jason. He responded, “Awesome,” and asked if he could see my titties on our next date. I liked him a lot, and knew it would make him happy, so I said yes.
When we got home, Kate met me at the door and took me to my room where she gave me three brightly colored AA bras. I took off my top and cami, and she helped me into a padded raspberry bra. I felt ever so feminine as I ran my hands over the cups. I started crying. She beamed that her new daughter was pleased with her first bra. We hugged and cried some more. That’s what girls do.
The next day, Lupe sat next to me on the bus, but didn't get off at my stop. She encouraged me, saying I looked much better with tetas. Sandy also smiled and told me I looked particularly pretty that morning, but said nothing about my chest — maybe to avoid embarrassing me.
I went directly from Sandy’s to my appointment with Mr. Jensen, the guidance counselor at State. When I walked into his office, he said, “You are? I have an appointment with a Mr. Carl Robinson.”
“I’m Carl Robinson.”
“Oh,” he said rather uncomfortably. “What can I do for you?”
“Well, as you can see, I’m pretty feminine. I love children, and I’ve decided I want to be a professional nanny.” He had incredulity all over his face.
“Are you planning to become a woman, then? I mean physically and legally?”
“Well, I’m starting gender counseling soon, but right now I don’t think so.”
“I can’t tell you what career to follow, but I will say that a transvestite is going to have a hard time finding work as a nanny.” There was a noticeable emphasis on “transvestite.”
“Well, I’ve been a nanny every summer since I was 14 and I just came from my nanny job. So, respectfully, I think I’ll be able to find jobs. … Anyway, I’ve decided, and I just want advice on what courses to take.”
“I see. We don’t have a nanny program, but you could take early childhood education and maybe some nursing courses. We have a three year BSN program leading to an RN. There are some males in our nursing programs, but mostly women. You might feel comfortable in that crowd.” I took the emphasis on “that crowd” as a suggestion that male nurses were gay and I was too. I decided not to react to his prejudices as long as they didn’t interfere with my goals.
“About half way through the RN program, there’s the option of taking the National Council Licensure Examination for Practical Nurses and being certified as an LPN or LVN. That would qualify you to care for newborns, elderly patients and patients with long-term or chronic diseases. You could stop your nursing training there and continue with education courses. That would give you something like a double major, combining an LPN with early childhood education. Then you could work as a nurse or teacher if you can’t find a nanny job.” I went for that. He laid out a program. With 2 or 3 summer evening courses, I could finish in four years. I had to take some additional tests to qualify for the nursing program. He arranged for me to take them and tentatively start in nursing that September I thanked him and left, glad to be quit of him.
I showed mommy my program. My first year was very full, with courses in English, math, history and psychology, as well as nutrition, basic pharmacology, and pediatrics. The second year included education courses as well as obstetrics, health data collection, and medical-surgical nursing. She was very pleased that I had a direction and plan for my life. Yes, nursing and education would ensure a job if my nanny plan didn’t work out. I went to bed pleased that I was taking control of my life.
