A Few Good Panties Parody

(Apologies to Tom Cruise and the A Few Good Men movie)

Kaffee: Did you order the red panties, Colonel?

Jessup: Son, we live in a world that has lingerie, and that lingerie needs to be worn by men. Who's gonna do it? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater supply of panties than you can’t possibly fathom. You secretly yearn to wear panties and yet you curse crossdressers. You have that luxury.

You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that an abundance of lingerie, while tragic, hurts no one. And my transvestism, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, also hurts no one!

You want panties? You can't handle panties!

You don't wear panties because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want ME in those panties. You need me in those panties. You use words like "poof", "crossdresser" and “drag queen". We use those words as to describe a lifestyle spent blissfully expressing our clothing desires. You use them as a slur.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to hide my garter belt from a man who rises and sleeps under satin sheets dreaming of wearing the very red panties that I wear, and then questions my desire to wear them!

I would rather you just said "you look cute Sweetie", and then go buy your own. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a thong and bra and wear them. Either way, I don't give a damn how you dress!

Kaffee: Did you order the red panties?

Jessup: Hell, Lieutenant I am wearing the red panties!

Kaffee: Colonel, did you order the red panties?

Jessup: Damn it Lieutenant, of course I ordered the red panties! I’m wearing the damn red panties and a matching bra! And from now on call me Donna! I believe I've earned that right! Is that clear, Lieutenant?

Kaffee: Yes, Ma’am!