Miss Trust

If I’m not what I thought ….. what AM I? Who can I trust for advice? Maybe it’s Serendipity?

I was in a complete spin. I’d found this new ‘thing’ about being asexual and all the other choices. I’d found this new ‘thing’ that perhaps I was on the, let’s call it, the not-very-macho side of the spectrum. I knew too much about spectrums – Dad was always going on about things so very rarely being black-v-white. He did also say this didn’t actually work for issues about politics, religion or football. But in his world and in mine, we’d investigated, learnt and decided that as regards almost everything that was able to be discussed they were NOT black and white but on a spectrum.

Once we got onto the ‘adult-child conversations about the big subjects ie whisper it SMALL sex we definitely agreed that each of the key characteristics was spectral. Gender = spectrum: Sexual Interest = Spectrum: Sexual Activity = Spectrum.
I was spending hours on the internet. Some of what I looked at was helpful. Some of it was downright, um, not-suitable for anyone under the age of 42. But what the heck was wrong with me? I was looking at all these sites and none of them seemed to get me interested. Oh, I won’t deny that some of them excited me – I almost wore my hand off and my pants got really cummy scummy.

But, did I get interested enough to go back and look for more of any particular variety? Not really. Oh I went back to a few topics so that I could do some more masturbating – but that was not what I was really needing. Like I said before, I needed help. And I didn’t have a clue who to ask. Mum – no; Dad – probably worse; siblings – don’t be silly; teachers – no way; friends – no; aunts, uncles, non-existent or far away. And bike-shed rumour (if I ever went to the bike-sheds) was never much use for real information.

So, I kept on with my research. I had given the file a vague unthreatening cover and a few front-pages of fake notes. I’d learnt about camouflage and misdirection from my uncle. Years younger than my Dad, he taught me things about ‘hiding in plain sight’. At the time, I never really guessed he might be referring to me when he said ‘sometimes you just have to keep in the open out of sight’. I thought it was some sort of army jargon.

But this was a sort of research. Rather specific and a bit unusual. I was finding out about girls (I couldn’t label them in my head as the enemy’) I was in disguise, under-cover, a spy. I was trying to find out why girls were different; and what other people did to get interacting with girls, talking with them. Because it was very clear – I didn’t have a clue. Otherwise I’d be more successful – wouldn’t I? I knew I didn’t smell or talk rudely – but …….

As well as thinking about how to relate to girls and making notes about that, I found I was making notes about what attracted me to a particular girl. What did she wear? How did she act? And after a while I was making far more notes about the girls themselves than about how they interacted with boys. Or how the boys interacted with them. And the pages grew.

So I had to use Covert Operation Skills - and I did my best. But, hey, girls have different antennae than mere boys. And mine were neither one nor the other.

Some of the time, I was so busy watching and writing that I was ignorant of everything else. I never thought I was being obvious. Spies aren’t obvious. A good spy doesn’t get caught. Huh. Teenage ego. Teenage naivete. Oops.

I thought I was reasonably normal. Middle-class, middle-intelligent, middle-height, middle-weight even. But I didn’t have sisters or cousins or best female friends to learn about relationships. You DON’T learn very much from watching adults. They seem to come in a few groups Still-Lovey-dovey, Little-or-no-display, Often-Angry or Separated. Mine displayed ‘reasonable friendship with occasional snog,, eew’. I wasn’t learning much there. And I was strange enough to have picked up somewhere in my life that relationships were more important than sex. I was middle enough that I didn’t think I was homosexual. I didn’t think much about it – but watching two boys kiss in the park, my mind went ‘oh, can’t imagine doing that with anyone’. But then seeing a boy and girl kiss was only slightly more interesting.

And as I said, I spent time on the internet – where generally you learn nothing worthwhile.

The night before I’d been webbing and a new line of research arrived. I began with looking to see if there was anything new about the asexual angle I’d found a while before. There was. It asked about the relationship between lack of interest in sex and the lack of certainty about body-image and even gender. Wow – linking asexual with dysmorphia and trans.

I was by myself in the park. I had been at the coffee-bar in the mall people-watching a while before. I made notes on a page in the book – questions to think about.

And suddenly Justine was leaning over my shoulder. I was using my own version of shorthand (more like a lot of abbreviations really) but …….

She’s a clever girl and realized what I was doing. She’s in some of my classes but she’s brighter than me and contributes more too. She’s middle-eastern, Turkish I think. So her proper name is actually Justanah, Justanah Bisnosa. Obviously, almost at once ‘they’ called her BigNosy. After a while, because she always wanted to know everything, the name changed to the significantly less offensive ‘Busy Nose’.

She picked up the folder despite my despairing grab. “Hummmm. What’s this, eh, Larry? Project G – is it? And that’s rather clearly ‘G for Girl’ is it – all the girl-watching you’re doing and have been doing for a couple of weeks now. Us girls, we’re not all dim. We’ve noticed you noticing us. Well more like watching us like a hawk. Sometimes more like a stalker, which would be rare in a boy your age! Everything we do, what we wear, how we talk – you’re nearby with your ears flapping, your eyes a’gleaming and you’re busy writing things down. What y’gonna say to that, eh? And this stuff on the previous page ‘Questions to ask’. Wassat? Asexual – wassat? Dysmorphia – you have been wandering around the web, ain’cha. Trans – oooh, there’s a puzzle!”

She pulled a chair round. “I’ve decided that I’m going to find out what you’re doing. And if I don’t like it then you’re dead meat.” And she flipped her hand from a five-fingers-down spider to dead-spider. “Dead! Is what you’re doing in any way nasty, ugly, pervy, planned to embarrass any of us girls? Chop chop. Answer.”

I know I was switching from red to white like a blushing zebra. “No, nothing like that. No. Not me.”

“So.” Justine waited. “So – what is it all about then. Why this sudden obsession with girls and what we do and wear? And when we’re near any boys, your pen’s flying. What’s that about?”

“I wanted to know more?” I phrased it as a question.

“Obviously. And why do you want or need to know more? And why do it differently from all the other boys. ‘Cos some of this is looking like collecting facts about girls, and some about how boys and girls relate! Two BIG questions all together. Wow. Some project! What’s the real intention, eh?”

I told a big chunk of the truth as far as I then knew it. “Because I’m not a typical boy. For which I give much thanks. Their constant obsession with, yukk, so many yukky things. Sports for a start; especially football, playing, watching, shouting, arguing about football and all sorts. It’s just yukk and muddy and dirty and sweaty – multi-yukk. And Cars. And all the boy-stuff – which I just don’t get. And which girls are or might or will eventually ‘do it’ and how big are her boobs and, oh it’s just so yukk. Just so not treating you as people.”

“Good grief, you’ve got it bad. Please at not wanting to be like the other boys. That’s heresy or something like that.”
Justine was watching me. “But this whole Girl Project thing – d’y have a plan, a hypothesis. What is your thesis trying to prove? Come on, we’ve been talking about our big A-level project for weeks. How to plan. Get the intro and decide what your hoped-for result might be, then how to test for that result, actual test results, amended conclusion, you know. If you were doing this as a genuine project – what’s your plan? And these questions which you’ve just written down, eh? How do they fit in? Are you certain about any of this, you durrr? Shall we start with these questions on the previous page about ‘What does it feel like to wear colours and fancy materials instead of drab boy-gear? Coo – that’s another biggie.”

If her first comments had made my eyes widen and my mouth gape, by now my chin was also hitting the floor, and my breath was coming in short pants. (I never thought I’d get that old line into a story).

“Dunno. Never really went beyond ‘I’m not much of a typical bloke. What do I know about girls. Will watching them teach me anything? What makes girls so different? What do I want – I don’t have a clue what I want. All I do lnow is that I’m not much of a typical boy judging by comparison.”

“What, you’re wondering if because you’re not a ‘typical’ boy, you might be a girl. Weirdo Max 17. By the way, you really don’t want to be a typical teenage boy. There’s not much to admire.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s makin’ my mind flip. Way beyond 17.”

“So, restart, reboot. How far has your project gone? Do we [where did this ‘we’ come from] have a starting hypothesis? What is it? ‘That Lenny is not a typical boy’ I don’t think that’s good enough. That Lenny is more nearly a girl than a boy? That’s something we can investigate.”

Brain-splat. “What’s this ‘we’ thing?”

“Are you getting anywhere useful trying to investigate this by yourself? Do I see a problem? Yes! Is my reputation that I dive in even where I’m not expected to help with problems. Isn’t my nickname ‘Busynose’ instead of Bisnosa? It’s very rude to mess with someone’s name like that – but I suppose it could’ve been worse. At least there’s not a lot of them call me wog or whatever.”
Justine paused. “So, I said ‘we’ because you’re not getting anywhere by yourself. Are you?” And her beady black eyes were aimed at me. “Have you ever had a blood test or anything, y’know, medical?”

“Nope. I’ve been about to say to m’ mum ‘should we see a doctor ‘cos me balls haven’t dropped – whereas everyone else has and they’re getting bigger and bulkier and hairier and they’re starting to smell. Yeeeeukkk.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be – if you’re a typical male with puberty doing appalling things because of all that sweaty, smelly testosterone. Apparently. I’ve got an older brother, so I saw it happening. And it wasn’t pretty. Though now he’s kind of a good big bro.”

“But they’re becoming so different from me. And you know how boys can get when they detect someone is ‘different’. Unless you’re lucky it’s ‘Target Time’. Don’t want it.”

“I think we need to speak with a friend of mine. She’s a bit older; she’s a college girl but she’s lived next door to us for ages and I can talk to her about anything. Including all the advice I should have got form my parents – and never did. About life, and boys, and sex, and boys, and where to shop for the most outrageous clothes, y’know, everything.”

“I didn’t know about this, what is she? An OBF?”

“Huh?”

“Older Best Friend, y’know.”

“No, Sara’s just great. Her name’s Sara N’Dpiti. She’s a beautiful dark dark black girl from Nigeria. She told me her tribe are special because of how black they are. She says the South African Tourist Board should have used them for their first ‘Black is Beautiful’ adverts instead of those Zulus. She knows about everything. And if she doesn’t she knows where to find out almost instantly. And the way she links things together, wow.”

“So, what. We go and talk to her about what sort of boy I am?”

“Something like that. She’s bound to have some useful advice. I’ve never known her to fail. I love her so much for that twirly whirly brain.”

--------------------

Sara’s first question got right to the point “How much do you think you are a boy, and how much of you thinks you’re a girl. We know it’s never 100% and 0% so, where on the scale would you put yourself? As regards any worries about ‘Asexuality’ (she used the Capital) , huh, that can come later. As far as I’m concerned – gender comes first – then what that person does about sex. I can’t stand the way those LGB folk, who are all about sex, have grabbed the whole TIQ sub-group. It’s so not as if they’re the same thing because they’re both minorities. It’s a stupid as expecting the IRA to join with the anti-abortionists, or the Ku Klux Klan to decide that redheads get automatic membership. So so STUPID! Sorry, that was a tangent off to rant number 43. I’ve got others. So, how much are you a boy and how much a girl, eh?”

“Er, erm, dunno.”

“Well, if this is going to move on at all, we have to have some clue.”

“What d’y think, Justine – 80-20?”

“Not the sort of numbers I was suggesting. I’d go more for 60-40. You are mostly a bit more boyish than girly – and I wouldn’t go as far as 50-50. But then I’d guess that such an equal split would be as rare as 100-0 or 0-100. But I agree that’s a bit guessy.”

“Phew, I’m glad you don’t put me into the more-girl-than-boy category. I think that would be weird.”

Sara butted in. “Honeychile, there’s weird and there’s strange and there’s unusual. Being a bit on the girl side of the spectrum barely reaches unusual. It ain’t as far as strange and a very long way from weird. I mean, d’y look at porn? Ever gone ‘I don’t believe it’. I have. And I’d bet Justine has. Being a boy sensible enough to want to know more about girls – it’s rare but not strange or weird. So, what d’you want to know. Do you know the basic mechanics of copulation, how the male gets hard and the woman gets wet and the hard pushes into the wet and, hey jiggy-jig, if there’s any cooperation they both get their rocks off.”

If I wasn’t embarrassed and red-scarlet before, I was now. “Yeah, thanks for the graphic description. I do know about the ins and outs of copulation (I kinda smirked at that). But what I don’t know is how to have a relationship with a girl. How does a girl become a kissing-friend – and onwards. I haven’t learnt it from my parents, not from school, nor from mates – but I do want to work it out. I do know that the actual sex does eventually matter – but you’ve got to get there first. I’m not too sure how one gets a girl into being interested enough for that. I’ve barely gone touching, let alone cuddling, snuggling, stroking, ,erm. Let’s call it deep skin-contact. I’ve not had that many kisses that I can’t remember everyone I’ve kissed.”

Both Justine and Sara looked a bit upset at this news. “Kiddo, you ain’t deservin’ to miss out on all that. If you’re talking about girls being people; about relationships rather than ‘get my rocks off’ – then you deserve our help. And you obviously didn’t know that Charlotte and Eve have noticed you – even before this girl-staring thing you’ve been doing.”

“Huh. Did they? Have they? I never knew.”

“Oh, lawdie me. The child’s become as stupid as a boy. You need help. And we’re going to help you.”

”Whether I want help or not?”

“Did you know about Charlotte and Eve? Do you want to know them better? Don’t be a dim-boy. Come along and we’ll do some talking and finding out. As for these questions about ‘asexual’ – I think what you’ve just said shows that you are a just weirdo who doesn’t think just with your groin. Unusual, but kinda’f an improvement. Dangerous signs of being a thinking proto-adult.
Wow,” and Sara grinned a la shark.

“Okay,” said Justine. “Let’s leave the mechanics aside. We need to prove to you that girls are people; different from but just as ‘normal’ as anyone else. Well as normal as normal people – not sex-obsessed teenage boys with two thoughts in their heads – food and sex. Some of them haven’t progressed beyond babyhood – everything they needed was one tit or another.”

“You’re blushing,” said Sara. “Don’t you realize that girls talk about sex at least as much as boys. We just do it differently. Apart from when there’s competition for a particular boy, for girls it’s all about co-operation and sharing. With boys, it’s always always competition.”

“There’s a question how competitive are you?” said Justine. “I’ve noticed you in class, you’re considerably more willing than many to help out. Right now, that’s a tick in the girl box, in’t it?”

“Reckon so,” added Sara.

“Are there any ‘Boy v Girl’ questionnaires? Have you taken any?” What sort of results did you get, mmm?”

“As you’ve already said, a bit near the middle rather than Macho – or whatever word the quiz offered for a Boy-type boy, huh.”

“Are you saying it was actually more girl than boy?”

“Sara, I didn’t say that at all. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“It’s better than putting my foot in it, like you nearly did. I’d guess that you did several tests and at least one said you were on the girl-team. Yes, no?”

“Yeah, yes, but only a borderline – something like 45 boy and 55 girl. The other three had me at about 70 boy, 65 or something.”

“Okay, that’s not too drastic. It gives you a good reason for investigating – and we’ve offered to help. What would you most like us to do?”

“Erm, go away and pretend this never happened. That we never had any part of this conversation. I guess that’s impossible, yes?”

“You’ve got to be joking. Lose the opportunity to show a mere boy all the benefits of being a girl. And, to be fair, some of the disbenefits. And to be really really fair, the problems of being in the middle. Got to cover all the options. Like Teech Beech says.”

“Hey, bo, watch’y got on that sort of thing.”

“I did find this on a site called Girl 101 – a guide for Girls AND Boys.

A Guide to some Girl v Boy Differences
BEHAVIOUR
- Girls think specific case first, generalization second. Boys think generalization first.
- Girls speak with many, many more modifiers, such as very, little, many, and so.
- Girls nod to encourage more conversation. Boys nod to agree, but are more vigorous in doing so.
- Girls’ mouths mirror their emotions. Boys show little expression with their mouths when speaking, other than when they’re joking.
- Girls are more likely to listen to what an opponent says.
- Girls get closer during conversations. Boys interrupt more.
- Girls often speak more quietly and clearly; Boys can easily begin to be loud.
- Girls talk about people, recent events, clothes, and activities. Boys talk about girls and upcoming plans.
- Girls can talk even about things that have recently been discussed; Boys deal with any necessary transfer of information then drift.
- Girls use a much wider range of (feminine) adjectives
- Girls use a much wider set of names for colours.
- Girls consider lack of eye contact from other girls to be a sign of deception or insecurity. Girls will let their eyes wander when listening but always make eye contact when talking.
- Girls are taught to sit upright knees together with their legs under them. Boys sprawl.
- When girls eat an informal meal they will sit sideways to a table, or even fold their arms on the table. When eating a formal meal they tend to sit upright and observe good table manners. Boys tend to eat informally at all times.
- Girls take smaller bites and use napkins.
- Girls will touch their noses during a conversation to convey a meaning. A boy will touch his nose only if it itches.
- Girls tend to use their fingers more. Boys use broad gestures using their arms and hands.
- Girls frequently will touch their hair to smooth it. Boys scratch their heads.
- Girls clap with their fingers, boys with their palms.
- Girls look at their fingernails flat-handed away from them; boys curl their fingers
- Girls lift their foot behind their leg to see more easily. Boys bend.
- Girls carry their books in front of their chest;
- Girls take smaller steps. Even if the girl and boy are the same size, the girl’s steps will be smaller. Girls move their hips more and their arms less when walking. Girls will slow down their pace to be able to chat.
- Girls stand back from a curb while waiting; boys stand close, one foot ahead, ready to move.

RELATIONSHIPS
- Girls do have friends and groups but these friendships can be broken suddenly and almost cruelly as far as the outcast is made to feel.
- Girls are more likely to have a ‘best-friend-forever’ - sometimes these last a long time.
- Girls solve problems by talking them through with friends. Boys go off on their own to think about their troubles.
- Girls seek to calm their emotions first, and then work on the problem. Men go right to the answer.
- Girls are likely to seek an answer that is acceptable to all parties. Boys will try to negotiate to their own advantage.
- Girls make peace. Boys make war.
- Girls are more likely to admit an error in judgment.
- Girls tend to create less conflict by using more moderate gestures. They tend to be less opinionated, more open to compromise.
- Girls tend to multi-task, doing something as they walk. No matter what their size, boys walk faster. Boys are in a hurry to get somewhere.
- Girls touch. Boys don’t or if they do they touch roughly and too harshly.
- Girls tease to flirt. Boys tease relentlessly.
- Girls tell situational jokes that laugh at human nature. Boys tell ethnic jokes, put-down jokes with much more unkindness.
- Girls seem to prefer magazines and short stories to books.

This is not an exclusive or complete list. Participants should note that use or non-use of one or several characteristics does not indicate and definitely does not determine a person’s femininity or masculinity.

“Coo – someone’s done some research. That’s quite good – as a basis,” said Sara. “I’m not sure every entry is right or perfectly phrased – but it’s something to look at. Well done, whoever. But, I’d definitely emphasise that girls are more likely to be co-operative while boys go for competitive. I mean, would a girl ever argue about who can pee higher or further.”

“Oh, I dunno. You’ve never compared breast-size or said ‘try the under-boob pencil test’. Not competitive, hoo.”

“Now, Justie, I only said ‘more likely’ not ‘never or always’. I get enough of that from my mum so I don’t use the words if I can avoid them. I try for too often and seldom, y’know.”

“I had noticed. So, what’s the next step.”

“Somewhere on the line of Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat, I think. But if Larry, which is not an appropriate name and barely convertible into anything suitable. Maybe just ‘L’, y’know, pronounced Elle. There’s that Aussie girl, tall as a tall thing, ex-model, Elle …. MacPherson. Although this Elle isn’t that tall or that pretty.” She sniggered.

I was keeping very quiet. There wasn’t much point hoping I wouldn’t be noticed but why actually call attention to myself when they were having a session talking about me and what they MIGHT do.

“Eh, Elle, oh, see you, Why did I say that – [sorry, A L C U O Y, bit of a Two Ronnies sketch there: see F U N E X]
“I know most of those sketches too. I might ask if the next step is the Comfy Chair. Y’know as part of the Spanish Inquisition. [Sketch from Monty Python – Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.]

“So, back to you, Elle. Are we taking you with us so that you can join in a girl-chat session or twenty? How do YOU think we should do it? And we’ll probably do it our way anyway. What do you want to learn – about girls from a boy point of view, about girls from the girl point of view or does a little bit of learning about the boys interest you.”

Sara was watching closely – “It’s definitely not learning about boys from the G pov. About 50/50 on the other two tho’. I don’t think we’ve got time to camouflage Elle successfully as a girl. There’s the hair, the general appearance, the clothes and we’d need a respectable wardrobe to allow for several outfits. There’s the parents, his, ours, and there’s all the things that could go wrong with being the wrong sort of different.”

“So without PPPPP planning, we won’t go down that route [Perfect Planning prevents Poor Performance – variations occur].

Justine giggled. “For every project you do you bring out that old 5P comment. It’s a bit repetitive.”

“Ah, yes, grasshopper. But is it ever bad advice?”

“So, Larry, you’re going to have to be Larry until we can work out an alternative. You’re coming with us to be with us and some other girls. If Charlotte or Eve or both are there than you’ll have to take a few small steps towards them: to find out what sort of people they are compared to your imagination and hopes.”

Gulp, swallow, swallow, tight throat. “So you’re saying I have to trust you- and you’ll help me do better with girls.”

“Oooh, you set your sites so LOW. We’re going to teach you how to be a halfway reasonable human being. Who can have a worthwhile conversation and even relationship with the female of the species.”

Sara knew I was going to make the quote about ‘the female of the species’. She glared at me and said “don’t say it.”

The continuation MAY be ...on having his Project G file found by another girl or a boy or teacher at school - then what happens.