Chapter 11

The week went by faster than I thought it would. I spent most of my time as Mark, but did make Cindy happy on Sunday when I showed up at her door as Amanda.

“God Amanda, I was wondering where you had gone? I love Mark dearly, but you know how I feel about my girlfriend.”

“I know Cindy, but I have to spend time as Mark to find out how I really feel about what’s happening to me. I like kicking back and being a boy once in a while.”

“What did you do?”

“I watched football on TV and just did guy things, like throwing a ball against the wall to practice catch. I went to Billie’s house and we played touch football.”

“You didn’t. What did he say about your hair?”

“Nothing, he look at me and made a face and that was it. We were just two guys hanging out together. I liked being a boy for a change.”

“You’d better be careful. If you hurt yourself you could ruin your career.”

“I’ll be careful.”

I thought about what Cindy had said. She was right, if I was to injure myself and scared my face I could say goodbye to modeling, and we needed the money when Dad’s insurance ran out. That kind of pressure is too much for someone my age. It just wasn’t fair.

On Monday I started thinking about what Dr. Adams wanted me to do, make a decision. Did I want to become Amanda or remain, Mark? I was already a boy and did boy things. My father had taught me how to become a man and even though he didn’t finish what he had started to teach, I pretty much knew what being a real man was all about. Obviously it would be easier to remain a boy as I was already in that camp and I liked being there, warts and all. What about Amanda Christine Flowers? She was a person I created, not the pretty outside, but the girl inside, Amanda was me. I loved dressing as her, but I liked the way I felt inside even better. I thought of how I felt the first time I wore my favorite dress and how exposed my legs were, knowing a boy would never wear something as feminine as that dress. If I could bottle the feelings I had, I would and open the bottle everyday. That was the happiest I had ever felt and if I could remain that girl for the rest of my life, I would. I knew I wouldn’t always feel that way if I was to remain a girl, because as a girl I couldn’t wear that dress everyday, but I was willing to try to find that small piece of happiness again. I knew becoming Amanda would be the most difficult journey I could take.

Wednesday we were back at Dr. Adams office.

“Good morning Amanda, how did your week go?”

“It went good, I even spent time with one of my guy friends and we played football.”

“How did you like that?”

“It was fun.”

“Did you think about your assignment that I gave you last week?”

“Yes, a lot.”

“And what did you come up with?”

“I’m still not sure of what I want to do. I thought about being Mark and how much easier it would be to remain a boy and then I thought about Amanda and how much happier I am when I’m her. I know I’ve been Amanda for just a short time and not all the time, but I love being her.”

“Are you sure it’s not the novelty of being a girl, you know being a boy in the girl’s camp?”

“I’m not sure, which is why I can’t give you an answer yet. Maybe after I live as Amanda for a while I’ll be able to make up my mind. I need to know the hard things about being a girl, not just the exciting things.”

“That’s a very mature answer Amanda and I’m glad you didn’t make your decision today. I think it will take months and maybe years before you know who you really are.”

“I hope it doesn’t take too long, because if I decide to become a real girl, I want it to happen soon.”

“Good things can’t be rushed. There’s no time limit on life Amanda, only ones you put on yourself.”

“What about puberty?”

“I know you started on a course of blockers to delay your male puberty and hopefully we’ll know what direction to go in the next year. If you’re to remain a boy then I’d like you to discontinue as soon as possible and the same holds true if you want to become a girl. But as I said, there’s no time limit for you to make a decision, only the one you think is best for you.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

The rest of the summer flew by faster than I thought it would. Everything was in place for me to start at my new school and as much as I hated to admit it, I was excited to be attending as Amanda James. I would be starting eighth grade and I knew none of the other students at the school. The best thing though was that no one knew me.

Mom got me up early to get ready for my big day. I would learn quickly that being a girl wasn’t all roses and it took more time to get ready that it did when I was a boy.

I wanted to be perfect for my first impression with my new group of students. I wore my denim miniskirt and a cute tank top. On my feet were white canvas shoes. Mom allowed me to wear a little mascara and pink lip-gloss and warned me that a girl my age shouldn’t even be wearing that. My hair had just been style and I looked perfect. I hoped the other students thought so too.

Mom drove me to Auburn and pulled the car up to the front of the school to let me off.

“I’ll be here when you finish sweetheart,” she said, and I realized she was crying.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry Amanda, I never thought I would be dropping off my daughter for her first day of school. I’m just a little emotional, that’s all.”

“Oh Mom,” I said, and gave her a hug.

“Go on now or you’ll be late. I’ll see you at three fifteen.”

“I love you Mom,” I said, as I exited the car.

As I walked to the front entry my apprehension grew. I was the new kid on the block, and I didn’t know anyone at this school. To make things worse I could feel everyone staring at me, girls and boys. I remembered what it was like when a new student attended my old school for the first time, it was the same. I was an outsider and wondered how long it would take for someone to say something to me? Then there was that little thing that I was attending school as a girl for the first time, maybe that had more to do with my nervousness than actually being new. As I approached the front door a boy maybe six inches taller than me blocked my way. His face was full of acne pimples, his eyes piggish and glaring. He was fifteen pounds overweight and had puffy lips. His dirty blonde hair looked as though it hadn’t been combed for a week.

“Going somewhere,” he snarled.

There were three other boys with him but they were closer to my five feet tall. God not here too, I thought to myself, the class bullies.

“I’m going to the office to get my class schedule,” I responded, with a confident tone in my voice.

“I don’t think so, at least not until I say you can.”

I stepped to his right and walked around him, not saying a word then he made a mistake, he grabbed my arm.

“Hey,” I said, pulling free of his grip.

It was then he made his second mistake, he reached for me again. I learned in second grade that if you let a bully intimidate you, you were dead meat for the rest of the year. Just because I was a girl didn’t mean I had lost my boxing skills and a quick left to his stomach and a right hand to his nose pretty much sealed his doom. He let out a yelp and staggered against the wall next to the door, blood streaming from his nose. My hands were shaking. God what a way to make friends at my new school, I thought. Nice going Amanda.

“You bothering the girl, Makie?”

“She hit me,” Makie complained.

“You’re lucky she did, because I was on my way over here to punch you myself. Don’t you know it’s not nice to pick on girls?”

“Shit, Kurt, I think she hits harder than you.”

“Shall we find out Asshole?”

“No man.”

“Apologize to the girl.”

“Ah man,” Makie whined.

“Do it.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, as he wiped the blood from his nose on a paper towel.

“If I hear of you bothering her again, I’ll kick your ass, got it?”

“I got it Kurt.”

The boy, I gathered was named Kurt. He was tall, had broad shoulders, a tapered waist and a ready smile. His green eyes flashed with merriment as he ran his fingers through his dirty blond hair. I guess you could say he was very handsome, but obviously not my type.

You must be new here, I’m Kurt, with a K, Granger,” he said extending his hand toward mine.

“Amanda James, and yes this is my first day,” I said, taking his hand in mine.

“You’re the first person I’ve seen stand up to Makie Cloud. I can imagine the Tweets must be having a field day with this, ‘gorgeous girl kicks bullies ass’,” he laughed. “Why did you do it?”

“Because he’s not the first bully I’ve met. There was one in second grade and he kept picking on me until I punched him in the nose. He only tried to bother me one more time with the same result. I found if you stand up to the creeps, they wouldn’t bother you.”

“You’re right about that. So what’s a pretty girl doing, going to a school like this?” he asked.

“My mom wanted me to go to a school where I wouldn’t be bothered.”

“She was sure wrong about that. What grade are you in, ten or eleven?”

“God no, I’m in the eighth, I just turned thirteen.”

“So I guess asking you out on a date would be out of the question?”

“My mother would kill me if I went out with a boy.”

“I imagine she would. Where are you headed?”

“To the office to get my schedule.”

“I’ll walk with you, come on,” he said, pulling my hand gently, the one he hadn’t let go of the whole time we were talking.

“Thanks for showing me to the office Kurt, I’ll see you around.”

“I’ll wait, I wouldn’t want you to get lost trying to find your first class.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

I blushed.

I got my student package from the person behind the desk and returned to a waiting Kurt outside the door.

“Where do you have to go?” he asked.

I opened the large envelope and pulled my class schedule from it.

“Umm, Mrs. Longview, math one oh one in room two fifteen.”

“Second floor, come on,” he said, taking my hand again. “Longview’s nice, but if you don’t do your work in her class she’ll bite your head off.”

“Did you have her before?”

“Three years ago.”

We reached my classroom and Kurt turned toward me, still holding my hand.

“Have lunch with me?”

“Umm, okay I guess.”

I looked at our hands still entwined, his so large and mine so small and dainty. My hand looked ugly and I wondered what it would look like with polish on my nails.

“Meet me by the front doors.”

“Okay.”

I entered the classroom and found an empty desk in the middle of the room. My mind wandered to what I just did, accepted a date with a boy. Granted it was just lunch, but why did I do it? Was I infatuated with a jock like Kurt because he had impressed Mark, or was something else happening to me? I have never had any interest in boys other than to play with and the thought of one liking me for other reasons turned my stomach, well Mark’s stomach, but for some reason the thought of having lunch with Kurt excited me.

“The class began to fill and soon all but one desk was filled. I was greeted with the usual stares from both boys and girls. A plain looking girl with glasses sat to my right and a stunning blonde girl to my left. She was repairing her makeup, which she wore too much of.

“Hi, I’m Tiffany,” she said turning toward me. “You’re the girl who gave Makie the bloody nose, aren’t you?”

I felt my face turning red with embarrassment.

“Yes.”

“Good going girl, he’s such an asshole. What’s your name?”

“Amanda James.”

“You’re new.”

“Yes, this is my first day here.”

“You’ll like it, hey want to have lunch with me and some of my friends?”

“I would but I’m having lunch with Kurt Granger.”

“Kurt Granger? My God, he’s like the hottest boy in school. Are you seeing him?”

“You mean like dating?”

“Yes of course dating.”

“No, my mother would never let me go on a date with a boy. We just met this morning.”

“God, I’m so jealous.”

A fortyish woman walked into the room wearing a skirt, white blouse and suit jacket. Her hair was pulled into a bun and she wore minimal makeup. She was reasonably attractive in a no nonsense way. Turning toward the class, she cleared her throat and said, “Settle down class, we’re here to learn math, not to find out who has a new boy or girl friend. As most of you know, I’m Mrs. Longview and I’ll be teaching you Mathematics one oh one this year. I see several new faces in our class and I’d like for you to stand and introduce yourselves.

A boy in the rear of the class stood and said, “I’m Tom Greene, my parents just moved here from Chicago.”

Tom was a slight boy, probably two inches shorter than me and looked as if he wanted to crawl into a hole. He was the type of person Makie would seek out as a new toy to torture.

A second boy stood and said, “Marvin Cummings, I’m from Sacramento.”

Marvin was taller than me and severely overweight. He looked as though he could care less about being in school.

“Young lady?” Mrs. Longview asked looking at me.

I stood and smiled, “I’m Amanda James and I’m from Colfax.”

“It’s nice to meet you students old and new, now lets get started learning math.”

During class I couldn’t help noticing Tiffany turning and looking at me with a strange look on her face. Could the idea of a girl giving Makie a bloody nose have such an effect on her. Just before class was to end, her expression changed and she looked as if she had just found the meaning of life. As soon as the bell rang ending the period, she looked at me and smiled.

“You’re Amanda Flowers, aren’t you.”

So much for going incognito for the rest of the year.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“Girlfriend, I buy Lush cosmetics because of you. God I want your lashes so bad. No wonder Kurt asked you to lunch. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you,” I said, removing my class schedule from my bag. I wanted so badly to getaway from Tiffany. I wasn’t used to fan adoration and hoped she wasn’t in my science class. She wasn’t but the plain looking girl that sat next to me was. Her name was Ginny Burns.

Ginny was one of those girls that looked like she could care less about her appearance. The clothes she wore seemed to be a size too big on her and without style. Her hair just hung if you know what I mean. She wore no makeup, which I guess isn’t to rare for a thirteen year old girl, but I wondered why she wouldn’t try to do something to make herself more attractive? The more I looked at Ginny though, the more I realized she was actually a very attractive girl, only she had to do something about it to bring out her beauty.

Our teacher, Mr. Laurence introduced himself to the class. This was his first year here, after teaching in the public schools of Los Angeles. He was young, maybe thirty and very handsome. I noticed some of the girls in my class watching him like a lion watched a gazelle, they were smitten.

“Class,” he said, “we’re going to have lab two days a week and you will need to have a partner. I’ll send a sheet of paper around the class so you can list who you will be working with.”

Mr. Laurence started the paper on one side of the class. Being new, I had no idea of whom I would have as a partner, since I didn’t know anyone, other than Tiffany and Kurt. I felt someone touch my arm and turned to find Ginny.

“Excuse me, but would you be my partner?” she asked. Her face showed no smile, in fact her expression looked like she was expecting a rejection. “I’m Ginny.”

“Sure, I’d be happy to be your partner, I’m Amanda James,” I said, extending my hand to my new partner.

Ginny shook my hand softly and said, “I know, you’re that model.”

The way she said it made me want to hold her, she was so sad. She removed a piece of paper from her backpack and wrote something on it and handed it to me. This is my phone number so we can exchange notes. You can call me anytime you want.”

“Cool. I’ll call you tonight when I get home.”

“I’d like that,” she answered softly.

The rest of my morning classes were uneventful except for the continued stares and the “that’s her,” murmurs. I guess Tiffany had spread the word that Amanda Flowers now attended the same school they did.

The lunch bell rang and I walked to the front doors and found Kurt already there.

“Hi Amanda, you made it.”

“Why wouldn’t I, I promised to meet you here.”

“I don’t know, I just thought with you being a model and all you might change your mind and eat with someone else.”

“God, what is with this model thing? I’m just a girl like everyone else,” I snapped. Well maybe not a girl like everyone else, but no one knew anything about that little tidbit.

“Wow, someone’s sensitive today.”

I felt bad now, as it wasn’t Kurt’s fault that the rest of the students were treating me like some kind of unapproachable star.

“I’m sorry, I’m not used to people acting this way around me. Forgive me?” I asked, blinking my eyes seductively. I might be new at being a girl, but I had already learned the power of a girl could have on a boy with the smallest flirt.

“Forgiven, Are you hungry?”

“Well duh, it is lunchtime” I giggled.

Kurt laughed, “You’re funny, come on,” Taking my hand a pulling me next to him.

We walked to the cafeteria, hand in hand, which concerned me because I didn’t try to withdraw from his grip; in fact I kind of liked the feeling of a boy, girl interaction.

After getting our food, Kurt carried my tray for me and led me to a table near the center of the room. All eyes followed our every move. He placed my tray on one side of the table and his on the other facing me.

“Welcome to the world of wonder meat,” he laughed, I laughed too.

Kurt looked at me with unwavering eyes. They were the deepest blue I had ever seen and hated to admit it, they were having an effect on me I didn’t know could happen. I was still a boy, I thought, glancing at my bare legs peeking from the mini-skirt I had chosen to wear this day.

“So tell me all about this wonderful creature seated across from me?” he asked.

“There’s nothing to tell. I live in Colfax and started attending this school because I didn’t want the students to know it was me, modeling for a cosmetics line.”

My goodness, did I forget to mention the real reason for changing schools had nothing to do with modeling? Shame on me.

“This whole school already knows, doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really because no one has bothered me.”

“They will. We had a boy who was an actor and was part of a cast for a TV production that left school and moved away. He said it was to be closer to Hollywood, but I think it was because the girls wouldn’t leave him alone.”

“I don’t have to worry about that, the girls aren’t going to bother me.”

“But the boys will. You’re a very pretty girl Amanda.”

“The boys won’t bother me as long as I have you protecting me,” I giggled nervously.

“Are you saying that you’ve changed your mind and will go on a date with me?”

“You know I’m only thirteen, and you’re what, sixteen. My mother would never allow that. I guess I have to be on my own,” I said dejectedly.

“Not as long as I’m around,” he said, taking my hand in his again.

I didn’t pull away; I could eat my wonder meat with one hand and a fork.

We sat and talked for the rest of the period. Kurt was a very nice young man and I could see why Tiffany had a crush on him. Much to my dismay I now had one too, and I couldn’t help thinking it was so wrong. When the period ended, Kurt walked me to my next class with the excuse I might get lost if he didn’t, holding my hand the whole way there.

“Will I see you after school?” he asked.

“My mom will be picking me up,” I replied.

“If I don’t see you then, I’ll be waiting for you in the morning just so you don’t have a problem with Makie.”

“I won’t have a problem with Makie, trust me,” I laughed.

“Well I’ll be by the front doors anyway, bye Amanda.”

Kurt let go of my hand and a feeling of loneliness washed over my body. If he could do this to me in one day, I can just imagine what the rest of the school year will be like. I so had a crush on Kurt, and began to wonder if I was gay or my feminine brain had taken over my body? I knew what I felt was so very wrong on so many levels, our age difference, my inexperience with boys and well the obvious, boys don’t get crushes on other boys. Damn, why did I have to meet Kurt and why was he coming after me like a lovesick puppy?

Mom was waiting in her car when I exited school.

“Well sweetheart how was your first day?”

“It was fun and I met a few people. I have a lab partner.”

“You’re going to have lab in science?”

“I guess we are. We didn’t at my old school.”

“And who’s your partner?”

“A girl named Ginny. She seems nice enough, but she’s very sad for some reason.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s just the way she is. She never smiles and it’s hard to put in words but she seems to be trying to hide from people. She’s very quiet and dresses like she doesn’t want to be seen.”

“Maybe she’s not feeling well. You can’t judge a person by the first time you meet them.”

“I also met a girl named Tiffany, but I don’t get a good vibe from her. I think she would want to be my friend because of Amanda Flowers and not the real me.”

“It was your first day, so I wouldn’t be too disappointed. You’ll be making more friends soon enough.”

“Mom, could I paint my nails?”

“Paint your nails? What brought that on?”

“I just think they would look better, can I?”

“I suppose it would be alright. Do you know what color?”

“Maybe pink?”

“I think that should be fine. We’ll stop at the store and buy some polish for you. I’ll show you how to care for your nails when we get home. Its about time for my girl to learn some things from her mother.”

I was surprised by Mom’s change of attitude. I knew going in she was very unhappy with me being Amanda but seem to change her thinking as my father embraced his daughter. She still voiced her disapproval until I started school, which was today. I wondered what instigated the change? Now she was going to help me do something feminine rather than complain she wanted her son back.

“Mom, are you sure you want to help me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you said you didn’t like me being Amanda.”

“Honey, I think you misunderstood me. It’s not that I disliked Amanda; it’s just that I love my son and wanted him back, but I can see that’s not a possibility right now. I see how happy you are when you’re Amanda, you shine, but I also saw the same happiness when you were Mark and spent time with your father. Now that might never happen again and I see how your father worships the ground you walk on when Amanda visits him. He seems to get a little better each time he sees his daughter. If having a daughter makes him better then I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”

“I love you Mom.”

We stopped and found a pink polish I like and Mom showed me that night how to care for my nails. They were a blushing pink when I went to bed. Thankfully the polish was Lush brand.

It was almost nine when the phone rang.

“Hello,” Mom answered. “Yes, she’s here. Amanda, it’s for you, it’s a girl.”

Thank God it wasn’t a boy because I knew the only one that would call this late was Kurt and he didn’t have my number.

“Hello.”

“Hi Amanda, it’s Ginny.”

“Hi Ginny, what’s up?”

“I wanted to thank you for being my lab partner.”

“Why would you thank me? You asked me and I said yes.”

“Because most of the other kids wouldn’t want me as one.”

“Why not? You’re not going to not do the work are you?”

“Heavens no, I’m a straight A student, its just that the other kids don’t like me.”

“Why would they not like you?”

“Because I’m not like Tiffany. It’s a long story and you might not like me either if I told you.”

“Ginny, I don’t even know you, so why wouldn’t I like you. What could you have done that was so bad?”

“It’s nothing Amanda, I don’t want to talk about it now. I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” goodnight.”

“Goodnight Ginny.”

“Who was that?” Mom asked.

“Ginny my lab partner. She called to thank me for being her partner.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know Mom, she wouldn’t say.”

“You’d better get ready for bed. Pick out what you’re going to wear tomorrow and remove your makeup. I’ll make us a pot of tea.”

I did as Mom asked and returned to the kitchen, my face clean and shiny, wearing a short cotton nighty. I would be changing it for a longer flannel one when the weather cooled with the approach of winter.

“Your friend sounds nice but a little shy,” Mom said.

“I think it has something to do with that Tiffany girl I mentioned. Ginny said she would tell me later. I have a bad feeling about Tiffany.”

“First impressions can be telling. Just your mother’s opinion, but I would stay away from Tiffany. Don’t worry, I will.”

It was too late to call Cindy, so I sent her a text. She’s my best friend and it wouldn’t do not to say at least a little about my first day at school.