September 2000

Ariel finished her song and pulled the microphone away from her lips; the karaoke machine clicked as the tape reached its end. Bending over, she pushed the rewind button and was rewarded with an intense whirring sound as the tape ran back.

“How many times you gonna sing that?” Amber asked from her position on the couch. Ariel shrugged.

“It’s a good song.” She grinned back at Amber. They were in the basement at Amber’s house; it was a partially finished space, the floor was mostly bare concrete but there was a fairly large area near the wall where a thin carpet rug had been laid. The spot played host to a wood and glass entertainment center and an older television – both cast-offs from the upstairs living room that still worked fairly well and often provided Ariel and Amber a much-needed escape from the world outside.

Behind the improvised entertainment area, and past the basement’s red support pole, was a green pool table which Ariel knew to be slightly off balance, though that never stopped them from from using it for hours on end when they were bored. Ariel pushed the play button, and the song ‘Incense and Peppermints’ started for probably the fifth time that day. She was well aware of Amber rolling her eyes, and Ariel responded by turning and making exaggerated motions as she sang, even dropping to her knees once and singing loudly next to Amber, who reached out and palmed Ariel’s face, pushing her away in irritation. Ariel snickered and proceeded with the song, all the way to the end.

“We need more songs,” Amber said, her voice pitched up as she lay back on the couch, staring at the floor joists above.

“You got money for a new tape?” Ariel asked as the song finished. “They’re like six bucks.”

“CD,” Amber corrected her. “That thing has a CD player.”

“Even more expensive,” Ariel reminded her. “They’re like thirteen bucks.”

“I know, I picked up the Dixie Chicks album. Wide Open Spaces. Great sound, but now I can’t afford foundation.”

“You really into country?’

“I’m into girl power.” Amber let that hang in the air for a minute and then added, “Shania Twain, Dena Carter, LeAnn Rimes... I have a LeAnn Rimes one, pop it in.”

“Yeah, I definitely wanna sing "One Way Ticket" again,” Ariel laughed, but she reached down into the tape basket anyway and retrieved the LeAnn Rimes karaoke tape anyway.

“I downloaded some new ones, on Limewire,” Amber informed Ariel. “Some of the tracks were fake, but I got enough.”

“That thing’ll give your computer AIDS,” Ariel quipped. “Ryan says to use Bearshare.”

“Your little brother knows how to use a computer?” Amber raised an eyebrow. “With the way your parents keep him sheltered, I would think…”

Ariel paused; she turned the tape over in her hand and then dropped it back into the basket as a thought that had sat at the back of her mind began to work its way to the front.

“Ryan is…surprisingly good with computers,” Ariel said thoughtfully. “My parents don’t really shelter him, it’s…more extreme than that. It’s almost like they think he doesn’t deserve certain things; I don’t know. It’s more like neglect.”

“Okay.” Amber sat up, situating herself on the middle cushion and placing her hands on her knees as she leaned forward and frowned at Ariel. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t most families dump on the sister if they have to pick between the two?”

“Ryan’s not Mom’s biological child,” Ariel explained. “Okay, so basically, Dad slept with another woman–”

“Like an affair?”

“Not like an affair,” Ariel corrected, “an affair. When I was two years old, this woman gives birth to Ryan, raises him until he’s three, but Mom can’t stand the thought of her husband sowing his wild oats out there or whatever. She convinces Dad to go for custody, which is easy, because the woman’s homeless at the time.”

“Um, how did she end up homeless?”

“Bad luck,” Ariel explained, drawing a look of curiosity from Amber. “She had a rough winter, power bill was more than she could pay, her power gets cut off and she gets evicted. So she ends up living in her car and someone tips off Child Protective Services, and the rest is history. Of course it doesn’t end there; someone broke out the window in her car, it got towed for some reason, so she ends up living on a sidewalk; can’t even try to go for custody.”

“Who called CPS?”

“I’ll give you a guess,” Ariel said grimly.

“So let me get this straight,” Amber cocked her head, thinking over everything Ariel had just imparted to her. “Ryan had another mom who actually loved him, and your parents took him away out of spite so they could treat him like crap?”

“Yeah, that’s really about it,” Ariel nodded. “I feel bad for him, really, but we just don’t have that much in common other than…”

“Other than what?”

“This is going to sound really weird...” Ariel bit her lower lip and leaned with one arm against the entertainment center as she tried to decide how to phrase it. “Ryan’s been trying on my clothes.”

“Really?” Amber raised an eyebrow, and then, slowly, a look of amusement crept onto her face. “Well, boys do that, I think. I hope he didn’t ruin your underwear.”

“Yeah, I hope not either,” Ariel agreed. “Thing is, though, it wasn’t just once or twice. It was…a few times. I mean, actually, I don’t think he ever stopped.”

“That is kinda weird,” Amber agreed. “You’d think he’d grow out of it if it’s a phase. What’s he wearing?”

“Little bit of everything,” Ariel said, thinking back. “He thinks he’s pretty slick, but he never hangs anything back up right, leaves deodorant stains on my tops. Thank god we’re the same size practically; he doesn’t stretch anything out. He’s wearing dresses, skirts, tops, it’s not just…one type of thing. It’s mostly formal stuff, though, like my Easter dress from last year.”

“So he’s jacking it in your Easter dress,” Amber laughed. “You’re gonna have to burn half your wardrobe.”

“Yeah, that’s the funny thing, he’s not.” Ariel frowned. Amber’s attention was captured. “He’s…okay, so there are deodorant stains and he definitely sweats all over my stuff, but…there aren’t any cum stains.”

“Do you even know what a cum stain looks like?” Amber laughed.

“I…do not,” Ariel admitted. “But, I’ve looked them over and I don’t see anything that could be remotely that. It’s like he’s just trying them on to try them on, but the weird thing is, it’s entire outfits.”

“Uh…what do you mean?”

“I mean he’s not just…grabbing shit at random. I can tell what he’s put on and it’s usually one or two outfits every time, and they’re actually coordinated. Like I have this brown floral dress with spaghetti straps? He actually made sure to wear the right shirt underneath.”

“So he pays attention to what you wear,” Amber shrugged. “You’re saying he has eyes?”

“Amber, why is my little brother watching how I coordinate my outfits, and then, why is he emulating me?”

“Okay,” Amber said, taking a deep breath and standing up. “I’m gonna make a suggestion.”

“I’m all ears,” Ariel said. “This is just…getting to be too much.”

“You need to confront him.”

“Um, that’s not going to work,” Ariel said, staring at Amber incredulously. “He’s just going to deny it to hell and back, and I can’t exactly prove it. Even if I could prove it, Dad would just beat him when he found out. I mean, it’s just a few outfits every few weeks, I can probably let it slide.”

“I’m kinda curious what he does when he wears the clothes,” Amber mused. “If he’s not rubbing one out, what is he doing?”

“You’re putting too much thought into this.” Ariel rolled her eyes again. “He’s just being a little shit.”

“Maybe.” Amber pressed a finger to her lips and her eyes went distant as if she were deep in thought. “I have an idea. Do you know when he might do it again?”

“Uh, yeah,” Ariel nodded. “Mom and Dad have a date night coming up; they’ll probably go to the mall or something? They usually go on weekends and leave him home alone. Sometimes he does it, sometimes he doesn’t. He hasn’t done it for like a week, so…I’d say he’s about due.”

“And if he does, I want to catch him," Amber grinned. Ariel looked at her curiously.

“Why’s it so important?” Ariel frowned. “It’s annoying, but it’s not hurting anyone.”

“Yeah,” Amber agreed. “Except for him.”

“Um, what are you talking about?”

“We should really make lunch,” Amber said. “I’m starving, but uh…do you remember my Uncle Joseph? The one that’s Aunt Mary-Ann now? I’m thinking Rylee might be like that.”

Ariel frowned, then her expression turned to anger.

“Amber, absolutely not!” Ariel snapped. “He’s not…um….he’s not transsexual!”

“Transgender,” Amber corrected. “And honestly, I don’t know, I really don’t know, but I think you owe it to him to find out.”

“Why?”

“Because, Ariel, if he’s really transgender, then he’s hurting, and if he’s hurting then he’s going to hurt himself. I know you guys don’t get along, but–”

“Of course we don’t get along!” Ariel said angrily, now pacing the floor. “He’s…arrogant, and moody. When he gets on a topic he’ll talk for hours and there’s no stopping him. He had this obsession with Garth Brooks – actually he might still have it. He’s obsessed with chess players like that weird Bobby Fischer guy. We have nothing in common!”

“Except your clothes,” Amber pointed out. “And maybe more than that.”

“Yeah, okay, I find that hard to believe.” Ariel said, disbelieving. “But sure, I’ll humor you.”

“Great.” Amber walked over to the entertainment center behind Ariel and pulled open the glass door, reaching onto the third shelf and pulling out a black canvas case. “It’s my dad’s old video camera.”

“We going to shoot some home videos?” Ariel asked, half serious, half sarcastic. “Maybe get onto America’s Funniest Home Videos?”

“You said your parents are going out this weekend,” Amber reminded her. “So, around the time they leave, you leave, and leave this camera running in your room. Hide it somewhere.”

“And just hope that I catch him? What can it record? Like an hour?”

“No,” Amber said. “You’re going to put the tape in EP mode, that’ll give you about six hours of recording time. Put some electrical tape over the light in the front so he doesn’t see it, and make sure it’s behind something.”

“Okay,” Ariel said, staring hard at the case. “Let’s say I do catch him, what do we do then?”

“Well, then you have a decision to make,” Amber shrugged. “You can ignore it, really confront him, or tell your parents. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you probably should figure out what’s going on.”

“What’s going on is he’s being weird,” Ariel said. “Nothing else to it.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see.”

---

September 2000

“Alright, so I have it.” Ariel waved the tape in front of Amber as she descended the stairs into the basement. Amber looked up from the couch, her eyes traveling from Ariel to the small black cassette she was holding.

“Well, you’ll have to put it back into the camera,” she said. “We’ve gotta hook the camera up to the TV.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Ariel.” Amber said. “Unless you’ve got a tiny VCR that plays tiny cassette tapes.”

Ariel snatched the tape up and popped it back into the camera, handing it to Amber, who walked it over to the TV and plugged the A/V cord in.

“You know who talked to me at school?” Amber said, making idle conversation as she plugged the camera in and tuned the television to the correct channel. “Literally Brian Luke. Literally.”

“Isn’t he friends with Joey Lafferty?” Ariel raised an eyebrow. “He’s a creep.”

“Yep.” Amber nodded. “I hope they’re not like…super close, though.”

“Do you remember what he did with Amanda Mernard last week?”

“Who? Brian, or Joey?”

“Uh…Joey,” Ariel said, thinking hard. “He’s been asking her out for ages, she says no, he keeps it up, it’s dumb. So the other day he starts walking beside her in the hall; when she slowed down, he slowed down, same if she sped up. They get to the end of the hall and he’s like ‘Now I can say we walked down the aisle together.’”

“Are you freaking serious?” Amber asked, incredulous. “What a creep!”

“Yeah,” Ariel agreed. “Hate it. What did Brian want?”

“A date. Probably wants more.”

“Yeah, probably,” Ariel agreed again. “Even if he doesn’t…he’s friends with Joey, they’re both basically the same.”

“Brian plays basketball, Joey is just retarded,” Amber pointed out. “Not really the same.”

“Who was that creepy kid last year who swiped everyone’s number from the back of Allie Forest’s agenda book?” Ariel tried to recall.

“Nathan? Yeah, that was creepy. He actually had a massive crush on Allie and just wanted her number, but got ahold of a bunch of other people’s.”

“Not mine,” Ariel shuddered. “Thank god. Okay, let’s watch this.”

They settled onto the couch beneath the harsh glow of two overhead fluorescent lights affixed to the ceiling with barebones fixtures. Ariel drew her legs up underneath her, criss-cross style as if they were about to watch some romantic comedy, while Amber pulled a comically small remote from the canvas bag and aimed it at the camera. Using the tiny membrane buttons, she navigated the on-screen menu and pressed the ‘play’ option.

The screen flickered and Amber made a comment about making popcorn; Ariel shushed her and watched as her room came into view on the screen.

“Nothing’s happening,” Amber observed.

“I recorded six hours of footage,” Ariel reminded her. “Fast forward.”

Lines appeared across the screen as Amber fast-forwarded through the recorded footage. The time stamp in the bottom left corner of the screen jumped forward and the light inside the room shifted until finally, it hit 7 PM, and the bedroom light flipped on. The camera’s lens was momentarily blinded, and then the aperture adjusted as Ryan appeared in frame. He walked in, failing to notice the video camera set up on the dresser. Ariel leaned forward, watching him as he hesitated in the center of the room, his eyes traveling between the makeup vanity and the wardrobe. Finally he seemed to settle for the wardrobe, opening up the twin doors and peering inside.

“I have some Jiffy pop upstairs,” Amber suggested. “Wait, no, I have that popcorn tin from Christmas that I never opened, we should break into that.”

“Oh. My. God.” Ariel glared at her. Amber shrugged, chuckling a little. “Okay, does it have caramel?”

Amber went to fetch the popcorn tin and Ariel kept her eyes on the screen; Ryan reached into the wardrobe and pulled out a sky-blue sundress and a pair of white hose. Well, at least they matched.

“Anything good?” Amber asked as she returned with the tin.

“About to see Ryan naked, I think,” Ariel said with more than a mild hint of disgust in her voice.

“Mm….yeah, I’ll fast forward.” Amber held the remote up and pressed the ‘fast forward’ button until Ryan was clad in the blue dress. “Open your eyes, Ariel.”

Ariel moved her hand away from her eyes and watched as Ryan sat down at the makeup vanity.

“He’s not great at it,” Amber observed.

“Classic newbie mistake.” Ariel nodded. “He thinks more foundation equals more girly.”

“The outfit, though.” Amber pointed at the screen, shaking her index finger up and down. “The white hose with the blue dress? And look, he has your wig on. He doesn’t even look like a guy in a dress. He just…looks like a girl.”

“Yeah,” Ariel agreed. “That’s disturbing.”

“Uh, it would be more disturbing if he looked like a guy in a dress. Hey, Ariel, your brother’s cute.”

“Stop that!” Ariel threw a piece of popcorn at Amber, which she easily dodged. She returned her attention to the screen, watching as her brother inspected himself in the vanity mirror, straightening out the wrinkles in the dress and touching up the makeup. “He really cares about looking good.”

“For nobody,” Amber reminded her. “Well, maybe himself.”

“Well, I was right, he’s not jerking it,” Ariel shrugged. “But it’s still creepy. Hey, what was that?”

“What was what?” Amber asked, becoming less and less interested by the second.

“On the video.” Ariel jabbed a finger toward the screen. “He said something to the mirror.”

“You sure?” Amber frowned. “I didn’t hear anything.”

“Run it back!”

Amber pointed the remote toward the screen again; white scan lines appeared on the fuzzy screen. Ryan moved backward at a comically fast speed with jerky motions until she hit the play button again. They both leaned forward watching closely until the moment had passed.

“I saw it that time,” Amber said, running it back again. “Let me turn it up.”

She ran it back, hitting play and increasing the volume until the basement was filled with the ‘hiss’ of ambient background noise. They both leaned forward even further, watching closely as Ryan walked to the vanity mirror and muttered a phrase into the glass. They still couldn’t make it out.

“Let me put my ear to the speaker,” Ariel suggested, but Amber stopped her.

“Hold on, I have an idea.”

Amber hopped off the couch and snatched up the video camera, disconnecting it and bounding up the basement stairs with Ariel in tow.

“What are we doing?” Ariel asked as they walked briskly through the kitchen, the living room, and then down the hall toward Amber’s room.

“Hold on, I’ve got this,” Amber assured her. She turned left, into her room and stepped over to her dresser, grabbing a Walkman and pulling the headphones loose. “Here.” They sat on the bed together, each of them taking one side of the headset and pressing it to their ears. The moment on the video came and went, but still sounded like muttering. Amber ran it back and adjusted the gain, then cranked the volume all the way up.

Ambient noise filled their ears, and the exaggerated, almost deafening sounds of Ryan scooting the chair, opening a bottle of foundation, or closing a drawer filled their ears every few seconds. Finally, the moment came again, and they both sat there, waiting with bated breath as he looked up at the mirror. Finally, the words came: "That’ll never be you." Ariel took pause at the statement as she studied her brother’s face in the mirror. Utter contempt for whoever he was looking at on the other side of the mirror. But wasn’t he looking at himself? Ariel frowned, and stole a glance at Amber, who seemed just as confused, though the confusion was clearing from her face by the second.

“Wait, what’s he doing now?” Ariel asked, watching the tiny screen intently. Her expression of confusion morphed into one of horror as Ryan began to sob into the mirror. It started quietly, just a few coughs and a sniffle, but quickly, very, very quickly, the sobs began to erupt from his mouth, each one almost like an impact, several of them followed by broken screams. He slapped his hand against the makeup vanity and shouted “Why?!” a few times before slapping himself hard across the face; Ariel recoiled.

They watched the rest of the video playback, up to the point where he finally stood up, put the dress back in the wardrobe and exited the room. Amber stopped the tape and they sat there on her bed in silence, both of them thinking hard about what they’d just seen.

“What was that?” Ariel asked, finally.

“I think you know,” Amber said quietly.

“No,” Ariel said, “I really don’t. Why don’t you explain it to me?’

“It’s just like I thought,” Amber said without a hint of triumph or ‘I told you so’ in her voice. “Ryan, your brother, is trans. He wants to be a girl and it’s killing him that he can’t be.”

“The…person on the video...” Ariel gestured toward the camera. “I don’t know that person, that’s not my brother. Something about it, the facial expressions, the way he moved, it was all just…off. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Some people,” Amber told her, "have a gender that doesn’t really align with their physical gender. Ryan’s a boy on the outside, but inside, definitely a girl. You saw it on the video. He wasn’t doing it for a sexual thrill, he was doing it because he wanted to dress up as a girl. He was acting like a girl, wearing makeup like a girl. That outfit he put on was the most plain and mundane he could have gotten his hands on. And then, what he said into the mirror, it all just adds up.”

“Okay, let’s say that you’re right,” Ariel said. “Let’s say I humor you, what does it mean?”

“Means exactly what you think it means.” Amber shut the camera’s viewscreen and dropped it on the bed beside her. “Outside, boy, inside, girl, and the girl is probably screaming to get out. This is something I’ve read about online…a lot. If Ryan’s actually trans, then he needs to find a way to express it, or he’s going to be hiding it for his entire life.”

“Okay, but I’ve never heard of this.” Ariel frowned. “I’ve never seen any adult transgenders.”

“A lot of people are transgender, Ariel,” Amber said in a serious, even tone. “They just…don’t have support. Imagine what your Dad would do if he found out that Ryan was wearing a dress? Lots of other families are just like that. Truth is, they just live sad lives and die. Like normal people, but sadder.”

“That person on the video,” Ariel said, drawing her legs up beneath her and scooting back on the bed. “He wasn’t Ryan. Ryan doesn’t show any emotion; when he talks, he’s sarcastic. He…just doesn’t feel. That person, the one we just saw? That person feels, and they look like they’re suffering. I want to do something, but…”

“So do something,” Amber shrugged.

“Like…what?”

“For starters, let’s head over to the computer,” Amber suggested. “I have some stuff we can read, and…I think what we should do is come up with a plan.”

“A plan?” Ariel frowned. “What kind of plan? A plan for what?”

“Well, if you ask Ryan about it, he’s going to deny it. I mean, a family like yours? I’d take it to the grave too. He’d probably be afraid you’re going to tell on him.”

“You’re probably right,” Ariel nodded. “We aren’t really that close.”

It was the truth, unfortunately. They’d been close for a few years, of course, but they’d drifted apart rather quickly. It wasn’t that Ryan was a boy’ it was that he was into things that Ariel just couldn’t relate to. Actually, he was hard to relate to in general. He had quickly become an emotionless husk, occasionally deflecting with humor, but mostly keeping to himself. He was completely unreachable and as a result, Ariel had quickly latched onto Amber. These days, she barely gave Ryan a second look and he didn’t seem to mind. But what if he was screaming on the inside?

“You could give your little sister a name,” Amber suggested. Ariel snapped her head around, looking at Amber with an expression of utter confusion.

“Little…sister?”

“Here’s my idea.” Amber turned toward Ariel, sitting cross-legged on the bed to face her. “You’re not going to get him to admit it, but you can catch him. You know the times he’s most likely to do it, so why don’t you tell everyone you’re going out, and then wait for him to do his thing, and walk in on him?”

Ariel studied Amber for a moment, then leaned back against the headboard, resting her head on the hollow metal bars and focusing on a Boyz 2 Men poster above the dresser. God, Amber had bad taste.

“And then what?” Ariel asked, quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“So I catch him, then what?” Ariel shook her head. “Do I just go ‘Ah-ha! Gotcha!,’ do I ask him to stop? What? What’s the point, Amber?”

“I don’t think that would be productive.” Amber was dead serious now. “People like this need love and acceptance; it’s not something your family excels at.”

“Amber, I get it, my family sucks, you don’t have to keep reminding me.”

“I think I do,” Amber reminded her. “Your dad…”

“I’m well-fucking-aware,” Ariel snapped. “Do you honestly think I don’t remember what he did to me?”

“And you know what he’s capable of. Ryan’s at home playing dress-up in your clothes; what happens when your Dad catches him? That person I just saw on the camera? That’s a real person, not the emotionless husk that you keep describing. That person is sad, afraid, tiny. That person needs your help, Ariel.”

“How do you propose that I help him?” Ariel demanded. “What can I even do?”

“We can start,” Amber said, throwing her legs over the side of the bed and standing up, “by giving your little sister a name.”

“This is insane,” Ariel said, her voice nearly a whisper. “Ryan is…”

“A girl,” Amber finished the sentence for her. “Come on, we’ve got some research to do.”

---

December 2000

Ariel stood with her arms wrapped around her body, still shivering even through her winter coat which was buttoned and tied at the waist to combat the oncoming wind that bit at her face with unyielding ferocity. She was positioned at the back of the house, peering down the snow-covered gravel driveway as the red tailings of her parents’ Dodge Caravan slowly made its way toward the gate. Black against the night, it was briefly rendered its normal blue by the floodlights mounted near the top of the fence line as they approached. A sight both oppressive and ethereal at the same time, the van rolled past the gate and vanished into the night.

They were gone; Ariel was left alone as snowflakes blazed past her face and stuck to her hair. She pushed against the wind, crunching through newly-fallen snow in her tan Uggs as she made her way around the house, taking a step up as she reached the garage. It took her a moment to work her way across the driveway, past the ice-covered flagpole, and across the icy walkway that led up to the front porch. She stood there, staring past the porch at her bedroom window as the wind howled and her legs began to buckle with cold.

“Come on, little sister,” Ariel said through chattering teeth. She shoved her hands in her pockets, lamenting that she hadn’t thought to put on a pair of gloves before leaving the house, and gripped the cordless phone she’d borrowed from the house. She probably could have used her cellphone for this, but it was tucked away in her dresser, and she hadn’t felt like retrieving it. Just as it entered her mind to give up, her heart leapt as her bedroom light came on. She waited a few moments, until she could see a shadow moving beyond the slated blind, and then pulled the cordless phone from her pocket. She pressed the ‘talk’ button, then quickly dialed the number to Amber’s pager. Holding the handset up to her ear, she waited a few moments as it rang, then pressed ‘talk’ again, hanging up. There was no need to leave a message for this.

Keeping an eye on the window, and watching the shadow move back and forth, she shivered in the cold and dialed another number. Nearly breathless, with quickly-numbing lips, she called Dominos and ordered a large pepperoni and cheese pizza. God, she hoped they brought garlic dippers.

“Okay,” she said, taking a breath and straightening up. “Let’s do this.”

Trudging back through the snow, she came to the back door, opening it as silently as possible to walk into the laundry room. A few minutes later she was out of her coat, and her Ugg boots were discarded behind the door, leaving her in her stocking feet as she reveled in the warmth of the whole-house furnace.

She walked quietly through the laundry room, taking a right at the door to the garage and padding slowly down the carpeted hallway. From this vantage point she could see her room pretty clearly, and he was in there. Ariel smiled softly; he’d grabbed her brown floral dress, the one with the spaghetti straps, and paired it with a sky blue floral top. The ensemble was kind of childish, but it did go well.

Ariel stepped forward, making her way to the door as Ryan examined himself in the mirror. It didn’t take him long to see her; he froze, watching her reflection closely in the mirror. She froze in place for a second, and then willed herself to keep going, understanding that the person she was about to meet wasn’t Ryan.

“What’s your name?” she asked, breaking the increasingly awkward silence. Her brother shook his head, frowning.

“I–” He began to speak, but then stopped, shrinking back. Ariel gave another soft smile and stepped toward him, taking his hand.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Ariel said, the smile still on her face to put Ryan at ease as she lowered him into the vanity chair “You probably want something close to your old name, so what about Rylee?”

“You’ve…you’ve been thinking about it?” Ryan croaked. “But you couldn’t--”

“Know?” Ariel smiled again and then proceeded to apply makeup to her little sister’s face. “Of course I know. You do a sloppy job of putting my clothes back. And who do you think cleans up your Internet searches?”

“Oh my god,” Ryan stammered. “I…I’m sorry.”

“Hush,” Ariel whispered as she worked on the makeup. “I’ve been waiting to meet my little sister for a long time. I’ve known for a while, but it’s not like you would have told me if I asked. I had to catch you in the act, so I told everyone I was going over to Amber’s, and then I waited. This is a very special day for me.”

“I--it is?”

“Like I said,” she said. “I get to meet my little sister. I’ve been waiting for so long, and I’ve known you’re in there. I thought about a lot of ‘R’ names. Rhea, Rhianna, Ruby, Rebecca, different spellings for Rylie, and you know what? Rylee, with two E’s, is pretty unique. What do you say?”

“I–” Ryan was stammering now, his head shaking from side to side; Ariel reached forward, taking his chin in her hand and holding it in place so she could apply the rest of the makeup. Finally, she let him see himself in the mirror. Ariel did her best to keep the nonchalant expression on her face, but internally, something was unfolding as she recognized the change in her brother’s expression. He’d been waiting – waiting for someone, anyone to come along and save him, to rip the girl, Rylee, out of her hiding place deep within. Her prison.

Ariel retrieved the cosplay wig from the bottom drawer of the vanity, affixed it to her sister’s head and turned her around, allowing her to face the mirror.

“Don’t cry, Rylee.” She wiped a stray strand of hair out of his face and acknowledged the increasingly glassy eyes. “You’ll ruin your makeup.”

Ariel cast a glance toward the open wardrobe and pursed her lips before stepping over, her hand on Ryan’s arm as she peered inside at the space where the brown floral dress had been borrowed from.

“See this pink hanger here?” Ariel pointed to a pink plastic hanger that sat to the far left. “Everything to the left of the hanger is yours.

“You can’t keep them in your room, obviously, but it’s all my old dresses, a few skirts, some tops. Old underwear down at the bottom in a shoebox if you want to experiment. Makeup, left side of the vanity, second drawer down.”

“You did all this for me?” Rylee stared at her incredulously. “I…when?”

“I started as soon as I figured it out,” Ariel said softly. “I was confused at first, but it didn’t take long to figure it all out.”

What she didn’t tell Rylee was the details of the nights she and Amber had spent searching the Internet, chatting in the weirdest fucking places the Internet had to offer, and browsing medical journals. Finding out that Rylee was transgender, for real, was a good first step, but knowing what to do about it was something different entirely. She and Amber had decided that this was the best approach, even though she knew the next part of this experiment was going to be the hardest.

The knock came at the door sooner than Ariel would have liked, and even through the makeup, she could see the color drain from Rylee’s face. Almost reflexive, her new little sister’s hand shot down, toward the hem of the dress; she gathered it up in her hands, prepared to yank the garment up, over her head. Ariel, with her own reflexes, placed her hand atop Rylee’s and gave it a quick squeeze, offering her a reassuring smile. In that moment she discovered how much stronger she was than Rylee, and through their brief skin to skin contact, she registered the trembling and the fear practically resonating from her little sister. She forced her to drop the hem and submit to Ariel’s will, and her look of terror said it all.

“It’s okay.” Ariel smiled. “Come on.”

“No, no I can’t.” Rylee was no match for her, even as she pulled gently, guiding her from the room.

Rylee’s feet dragged just a little as Ariel guided her past the couch and toward the front door. She opened it to reveal Amber, who gave Rylee a cursory glance before walking into the house, plastic grocery bags in hand and dangling at her knees.

“Okay,” Amber said. “I got candy, soda, and the movie. Did you order the pizza?”

“Cheese, pepperoni, and sausage,” Ariel confirmed.

“Girl, you’ve gotta get your shit sorted.” Amber poked a finger at Rylee. “I don’t like coming over here; your parents act like you’re all in a fucking cult.”

“I promise we’ll come over next time,” Ariel said to her apologetically. “I just wasn’t sure if tonight was the night until I paged you.”

“What’s the plan next week?” Amber asked as she pushed one of the grocery bags into Rylee’s arms.

“We’ll come over to your place.” Ariel guided Rylee to the kitchen, Amber followed. “The week of Christmas it’ll be hard, we have family stuff and, well, you know. New Year’s is hard too, because Mom and Dad throw their annual party for all the people at church, but I bet we can sneak her away for a few hours.”

“You know...” Amber took the grocery bag from a frozen and stunned Rylee, set it on the counter and began to unpack candy, chips, and a few soda bottles. “You did really good on this makeup. With a better wig and maybe a more coordinated outfit, we can just take her out to places. Like the mall or whatever.”

“Wait, no.” Rylee’s eyes widened. She suddenly grabbed onto Ariel, who drew her into a partial hug to keep her from falling to the kitchen floor as her knees began to buckle. “I can’t go out like…like this. People will see me, what if Mom and Dad--”

“You’re fine, Rylee,” Ariel reassured her. “You look a lot like me. No one’s going to know. If you were by yourself, maybe, but the two of us are like camouflage. We know what we’re doing.”

“I…I’m not sure,” Rylee stammered. “I--”

“It’s out of your hands now.” Amber rolled her eyes, then waved a DVD with the Hollywood Video logo printed on its cover. “Come on, let’s watch the movie.”

“Movie?” Rylee frowned.

“Coyote Ugly,” Ariel said. “You wanted to see it, right?”

“H-how did you know that?”

“Because I pay attention, Rylee,” Ariel said as she grabbed some snacks and led Rylee over to the couch. “I knew my little sister was hurting, and I planned this night very carefully. Now, what I want from you is for you to sit down, relax, and be Rylee. It’s time.”

She watched Rylee sink onto the couch, her eyes wide and vulnerable, watching her movements as she popped open the DVD case and placed the disc in the player. Making her way back toward the couch, she dug in the bag and handed Rylee a box of Dots – her favorite. Rylee took it, and looked up to her sister questioningly.

“Let’s just watch the movie,” Ariel told her. “Just relax.”

Relaxing was, apparently easier said than done; Rylee squirmed on the couch, looking nervously between Amber and Ariel, then occasionally down at her own outfit, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, even as Ariel did her best to comfort her. Finally, Amber pressed pause on the movie and stared hard at Rylee.

“What’s the problem?” Amber demanded.

“Amber, come on, go easy,” Ariel pleaded. “Don’t scare her.”

“Rylee, you’re a girl, you understand that, right?” Amber pressed. “We’re having a girl’s night.”

“I just…I…I didn’t think there would be anyone else here.” Rylee squirmed; Ariel squeezed her hand and regarded her softly.

“This shit is complicated, Rylee,” Amber said, turning to Rylee and leaning forward on the love seat. “Look, Ariel can’t handle it all on her own and you can’t keep trying on her clothes every time the house is empty. What happens when you get caught? You can’t say you were jacking off in her clothes, because even if that is weird, I don’t think you could say it with a straight face. Even I can tell there’s more going on here, and we’re not going to let you fuck yourself.”

“Why?” Rylee whispered, her voice cracking.

“Why what?” Amber demanded.

“Why would you care about me?” Rylee shook her head at Ariel. “I…we…we don’t…”

“I know we don’t talk a whole lot,” Ariel said quietly. “and I know we don’t really know each other, not that well, but Ryan isn’t a real person, is he?”

“No,” Rylee choked out. “He’s…no, he’s not.”

“I know.” Ariel squeezed Rylee’s hand again. “I didn’t want to know Ryan, but I do want to know you. And now that I know you exist, I’m not letting you go. I always wanted a little sister, you know.”

“Y-you did?”

“What girl doesn’t?” Ariel laughed. “But there are going to be rules now, you understand.”

“Rules?”

“Yes, little sister.” Ariel looked at her intently. “First of all, you don’t provoke Mom or Dad. I’ve seen you do it to see how far you can push them. Stop it. Second, stop dressing up when I’m not here.”

“When else am I supposed to do it?” Rylee frowned. “I mean, not that I–”

“Save it,” Amber shook her head at Rylee. “We know you dress up practically every time you’re alone. You don’t need to cover that up now.”

“Don’t worry too much,” Ariel advised. “You’re going to dress up a lot more now that I know. Any time you can conceivably be with me and Amber, you will be. That’s not negotiable. To me, now, you’re Rylee. Sound good?”

“I, um…I…” Rylee’s eyes began to water; Ariel pulled her into a hug, patting her back and then pulling back to look into her eyes.

“It’s going to be okay,” she said softly. “I know you now, I can see you in there, okay? You’re going to be okay.”

“Can we watch the stupid movie now?” Amber demanded, rolling her eyes. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Yeah,” Ariel nodded. “Yeah, play the movie.”

---

January 2001

“It’s cold in here.” Ariel wrapped her arms around herself and shivered, as Amber counted the money in the till. They were sitting in the Woodhaven Hair Salon, which was actually just a leased storefront in the mall. Amber had busied herself with her closing duties while Ariel had situated herself on one of the thick stylist chairs near the front. The salon was pretty small; just two rows of chairs, each one facing a mirror surrounded with heavy duty light bulbs from top to bottom. The floor was a tan, flecked tile, and the overhead lights delivered a subdued atmosphere that was supplemented by the low hum of departing customers on the mall concourse outside. Ariel spun around in the chair, eventually coming to a stop in front of the mirror. She examined her long golden locks and then turned back to Amber.

“Wear a sweater next time,” Amber advised. “You wanna help clean up or what? The sooner I get out of here, the better.”

“Yeah no, you’re the one that works here.” Ariel smirked. “I’m just going to sit here and watch.”

“Suit yourself.” Amber slammed the register shut and stalked past Ariel and Rylee, who was seated on a chair across the aisle.

Ariel watched her little sister closely; they’d manage to convince her to come out dressed as herself, but it was still difficult to get her to talk. The girl hated her voice and Ariel could scarcely blame her.

She was wearing a sky blue dress that extended down past her knees, probably to the middle of her shins; this one was sleeveless but supplemented with a black cardigan, and the blonde wig really made the ensemble.

“Rylee, you okay?” Ariel called out. Rylee looked up, torn out of her immediate thoughts, and nodded. “Come over here.”

Rylee looked around and clenched the armrests of the chair, almost as if she’d been afraid to move before, and then quickly rose from the chair in a jerky motion, trotting across the floor and joining Ariel in the chair beside her.

“You nervous?” Ariel asked her, almost teasingly. Rylee nodded. “Gotta get used to it, sis, there’s going to be a lot more of this.”

“How are we going to do that?” Rylee asked, fidgeting with her hands as she sat. Her voice was low as she tried to keep it from carrying too far. “Mom and Dad…”

“They leave you home alone every weekend,” Ariel pointed out. “And trust me, I can sneak you away more often than that. I’m going to say we can do this twice a week.”

“Twice a week?” Rylee said, her voice trailing off as she contemplated the implications of that.

“You were already doing it twice a month,” Ariel pointed out. “And this is way better than you doing it alone and crying when you think you can’t be a girl.”

Rylee’s eyes went wide, but anything she had planned to say was cut off when Amber walked by with a black-handled broom and dustpan.

“Here,” she said, pushing them into Rylee’s hands. “Make yourself useful.”

“Come on,” Ariel protested. “She’s not going to–”

To Ariel’s surprise, Rylee happily took the broom and hopped out of the chair. Amber looked to Ariel smugly as Rylee immediately began to sweep the floor, starting at the back corner of the salon.

“She needed something to do,” Amber explained. “You had her sitting there like a bump on a log; she was going stir crazy.”

“I wanted her to rest a little,” Ariel said, staring intently at Amber. “She’s going through a lot.”

“And you prolly don’t want her sitting around and thinking about it, so giving her some random bullshit to do is the best thing for her. How are you holding up?”

“Surprisingly fine.” Ariel shrugged, and then nodded. “Rylee isn’t fighting with me on any of this.”

“Of course she isn’t.” Amber rolled her eyes. “It’s what she wanted. Probably dreamed about you catching her and doing exactly this. Though she’s probably shitting herself about now.”

“Gotta wonder, though...” Ariel peered past Amber as she watched Rylee dutifully sweeping the shop. “Why is she doing that? We could have, like, given her something fun to do. She’s never liked doing chores, why is she so happy doing that?”

“You’re really forgetting that’s not your brother,” Amber pointed out. “This is a whole different person. Okay, enough of that, what are you doing tomorrow.”

“Saturday? Work.” Ariel shrugged. “From like nine to two. After that, nothing really.”

“Okay, have Rylee finish up her chores or whatever and we’ll go out to see a movie. Then maybe head over to the music store?”

“That’s not a horrible idea,” Ariel agreed. “I want the new Shakira album. Laundry Service or whatever. Can we let Rylee wander around Circuit City?”

“You should really get her used to more feminine settings,” Amber warned. “Have you seen the way she hides behind us when we’re walking through the clothing section at Wal-Mart?”
“I mean, yeah, but that’s to be expected.” Ariel peeked past Amber to see Rylee still hard at work sweeping beneath the counters at every station, seemingly lost in her own little world. It took everything within her not to smile as she realized that her sister was not only working diligently, but actually enjoying it, as if they’d managed to awaken something within her. No, not the weird desire to do domestic work, but a person. A whole, entire person that had always existed within her but had never been seen.

“That can’t happen,” Amber told her. “You’ve gotta get her used to it.”

“Okay, why?” Ariel asked, suddenly.

“Why what?”

“Why does she have to get used to it right now?” Ariel turned her attention back to Amber, who was now leaning against the stylist station nearest Ariel’s chair. “We’re doing this twice a week, it’s not like it’s her entire life, god, let’s let her get used to it.”

“Yeah, okay, what if you’re not around, suddenly?” Amber asked. “I’m not saying you’re going to die, or like…get swooped off to an alternate universe like Jet Li, I’m just saying, things can happen. Do you think she’s going to stop dressing up and being Rylee just because you’re gone? She’s going to get hurt if you’re not helping her now.”

“That’s really, really dark.” Ariel resisted the urge to glare at Amber, barely managing to keep her face from contorting. “I…I’m not going anywhere.”

“College,” Amber reminded her. “Unless you’re planning to stay local.”

“I can always go to Woodcrest,” she pointed out. “It’s only an hour away.”

“You think you can get back here in an hour if something goes wrong?” Amber raised an eyebrow. “You’ll be busy with classes, social stuff, probably a boyfriend, because your parents won’t be around to tell you you can’t have one.”

“Please.” Ariel snorted. “I’m not going to get a boyfriend.”

“Please.” Amber rolled her eyes right back in a mocking fashion. “Some cute guy’s going to walk right up to you in the quad or whatever they have at Woodcrest, or, I don’t know, maybe some hipster in a coffee shop. You’re going to fall in love, you’re never going to come back here.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Ariel said firmly. “I’m not going to abandon Rylee.”

“You just met Rylee,” Amber pointed out. “Is she that important to you?”

“Um, yes.” Ariel threw another glance at Rylee, who was finishing up the sweeping. Outside the shop, the noise had died down significantly as the last of the mall patrons were filtering out the front door. The mall was taking on an eerie silence and soon they would be among the last ones left in the structure. In an hour, maybe less, Jeff, the security guard would make his rounds, asking them if they needed a little more time. He might even walk them to their car. Ariel stared off into the blackness of the concourse beyond the shop for a moment and then looked back at Amber. “Yes! She is that important to me! Look, Amber, I always wanted a little sister and now I have one.”

“You just like bossing her around,” Amber pointed out. “I’ve seen the look on your face.”

“Be that as it may,” Ariel said firmly. “I like having a little sister and yes, I boss her around, because that’s what big sisters are supposed to do.”

“Did you see me objecting?” Amber laughed. “Have fun with it, just don’t forget her when you’re off at Woodcrest dating Sam or Peter, or Jen, or whoever you fall in love with.”

“Rylee!” Ariel called out. Rylee immediately set the broom aside and walked over to Amber and Ariel; she might have been smiling if she didn’t look like she was about to shit herself. “It’s almost time to go home; Mom and Dad are probably there, so I’ll have you change in the back.”

“I…I don’t have my clothes.” Rylee looked around nervously.

“I do,” Ariel told her. “I have a change of clothes for you in Amber’s car.”

“My clothes?”

“Obviously,” Ariel laughed. “I grabbed an outfit out of your room. Okay, so we’re going to head out to the car, get the clothes, and come back.”

“Um, can I stay here with Amber?” Rylee looked around nervously.

“We’re all going together,” Amber told her. “Girls don’t walk through dark parking lots alone.”

As they stood and made their way toward the back of the shop, Rylee stuck to Ariel like glue; she never liked to walk on her own, it was almost as if she thought that staying near to Ariel would camouflage her. While it could be a nuisance, Ariel took the whole thing in stride; it was far better than Rylee running off by herself. She took her little sister’s hand and smiled encouragingly, giving it a squeeze and giving her a once-over.

“Let’s get your coat on,” Ariel suggested. “It’s still freezing outside.”

“Oh, right, yeah.” Rylee let go of Ariel’s hand for a second and rushed toward the coat rack at the back of the salon. There were three coats on it, two of which belong to Ariel; she’d given Rylee one of her old winter jackets. It wasn’t especially girly, but it was far better than having her traipse around in her male coat and a maxi dress.

Rylee returned with both her own and Ariel’s coat. Ariel took it out of her hand and gave her sister a very serious look.

“Stop waiting on me hand and foot, Rylee,” Ariel scolded. “It’s bad enough that Amber just made you sweep the floor.”

“I don’t mind,” Rylee said, very quietly, wincing at the sound of her own voice.

“I know you don’t, and it’s weird,” Ariel said. “Thing is, I know Ryan; I don’t know Rylee. You’re a completely different person. Ryan never would have lifted a finger to help someone else.”

“I don’t know,” Rylee said, seeming slightly distracted. “I just…I guess I feel a little more free like this.”

“So you’re saying that being a guy repressed your personality, and your personality is like…some kind of Susie homemaker?”

“No! No,” Rylee said, shaking her head violently. Ariel smiled softly and rubbed her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Ariel said, looking directly into Rylee’s eyes. “I’m just surprised, is all.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” Ariel laughed. “I’m surprised that we pulled off the mask and this is what was underneath. It’s so much better than what we had before.”

“Uh…thanks? I guess?”

“You two done yet?” Amber demanded. “I have to close up and–”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re done,” Ariel said, shrugging into her jacket and zipping it up. “It’s just that Rylee and I don’t really get to talk like this a whole lot.”

It was true; when they were at home, if not absolutely alone, it was critical they kept up their facade of rival siblings, annoyed with one another’s presence. To Mom and Dad, nothing had changed and it had to stay that way. Ariel knew that Rylee was growing to hate it; keeping to her old personality, a mold which she was quickly outgrowing, until on the designated days, she was allowed to break out of that mold and truly be herself. There was fear, especially when Ariel prodded her to leave the house, but there was also a new brightness in her eyes, and an adoration for her sister that Ariel had never expected to see.

She stopped briefly to straighten the collar on Rylee’s coat and then snatched her hand up again, walking toward the exit.

“Ariel, we have a problem.” Amber’s voice was even, but her tone suggested panic. Ariel turned around, meeting Amber’s eyes, which flicked over in the direction of the mall concourse.

“Oh shit.” Ariel’s eyes widened as she looked beyond the threshold of the salon and toward the concourse where, to her horror, she saw Mom and Dad walking hand in hand on the other side of the concrete planter boxes that ran down the center of the main concourse. “They weren’t supposed to have their date night here!”

“Well, it looks like they did,” Amber said, urgency filling her voice. “Rylee, out back, now!”

Amber didn’t wait for Rylee to acknowledge her, she snatched her arm and began to drag her toward the back exit. There were two doors between them and the back of the mall; the first one led into a back hallway where most of the supplies were stored, and a second door, directly to the left, would lead to the parking lot behind the shopping mall. Ariel watched them as Amber practically manhandled Rylee and pulled her through the door, wondering if they should simply go all the way to the parking lot. Before she could give any real input, they were through the door, into the storage room, slamming it shut behind them. Before it closed, Ariel could see the sheer panic on Rylee’s face as she was confronted with what had to be her greatest fear. She took a deep breath and turned around; as expected, Mom and Dad had taken a right turn, through the gap in the planter boxes, and were making their way to the salon.

They made eye contact with Ariel, Mother walking as confidently as ever, chest puffed out as if the world owed her something. Dad was just…sort of there, as he always was. Ariel feigned looking at her phone as they approached and flipped it shut as they crossed the threshold into the salon.

“Hey,” Ariel said, speaking first to gain control of the conversation.

“Where’s Ryan?” Mother asked, her question was nearly a demand.

“Sent him to the car to get my purse,” Ariel shrugged. “He didn’t come back, so I sent Amber to look for him. Probably got lost.

“He shouldn’t be carrying a purse around,” Father said with a hint of warning in his voice.

“And I shouldn’t have to walk across a dark parking lot by myself.” Ariel placed a hand on her hip, looking at Father with disdain. “You want me to die?”

“Well,” Mother said, apparently dismissing the entire thing. “Your father and I had a wonderful night. We had dinner at Rovello’s, and of course we walked the mall a little bit.”

“She wanted to visit that new teacher store,” Father added. “Just wanted to look at all the stuff she doesn’t need.”

“Hey, mister,” Mother said sternly. “The same goes for you when we go to Sears. You certainly don’t need a power drill. You have plenty of them at home.”

“See how she is?” Father said teasingly.

“You and your toys.” Mother rolled her eyes. “Ariel, we’ll be cleaning the house tomorrow; you and Ryan will be there. Be ready bright and early.”

“Amber and I have plans in the evening,” Ariel reminded her. “I’m studying at her house.”

“You think you are,” Father said sternly with that upward inflection that implied sarcasm.

“We’ll see about that,” Mother added. “If you do your part.”

Before Ariel could say anything, Rylee, now Ryan, and Amber walked through the store entrance, thankfully with the purse – they’d anticipated that nicely.

“We got it,” Amber said, walking past Ariel’s parents and handing her the purse. “Hi, Mrs. Skye, Mr. Skye.”

“Ryan, it’s past your bedtime,” Mother declared. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“He can come home with me,” Ariel said as nonchalantly as possible. “We’re just finishing up here.”

“I think not, he’s been out long enough,” Mother said. “Come on.”

Ryan managed to throw a longing glance at Ariel as mother took him by the arm and pulled him from the shop.

“Cleaning tomorrow,” Father reminded her. “No going out with your friends until you take care of that filthy room of yours.”

“I’ll remember,” Ariel promised.

Mother and Father left, leaving Ariel and Amber in the silence of the shop. The lights in the main concourse had been extinguished, and now the little salon was a last, glowing beacon in a concrete sea of darkness. They stood there for a moment, regarding each other quietly, and finally, Ariel’s fist curled in anger.

“Calm down, Ariel, she’ll be at home when you get there,” Amber said quietly, careful not to trigger Ariel’s mounting anger.

“She gets to be herself twice a week, if that, and when we’re at home we have to watch what we say because they could be fucking listening at any time. Amber…for god’s sake, she has to not only hide who she is, she has to add another layer to it. Mom and Dad want us both to behave a certain way, and if we deviate just a little, we get interrogated. They watch us like we’re criminals, especially her. How are we supposed to survive until she’s eighteen? It’s amazing she never got caught trying on my clothes. How is it possible she didn’t slip up once?”

“Probably more paranoid than you are,” Amber shrugged. “There’s not a whole lot you can do, other than what you’re already doing.”

“Yeah, I wish it felt like that.” Ariel turned around and stepped over to the stylist chair; she sat heavily in it, the hydraulics giving a little and then returning to their original position.

“What she needs is an actual girl’s night,” Amber said thoughtfully. “All we do is drag her around to our stuff. We haven’t really had one since that first night and she was too anxious to actually enjoy it.”

“Okay, what do you suggest?” Ariel crossed her arms, looking at Amber sternly.

“Have you looked at the weather for next week?” Amber asked smugly. “They’re calling for a blizzard.”

“Okay, and?”

“And I suggest we get snowed in.”