Woodcrest Book #4: Teaming Up
“Yeah, I have some concerns,” I said, raising my hand, though it was kind of a moot point. Melissa kind of looked at me blankly.
“Oh, yeah, what’s up Todd?” She set capped her marker and set it down on the whiteboard tray, crossing her arms and leaning against the desk at the front of the room.
“It’s just…Tiffany has a song to sing in Act 2, right? The um...oh what was it..'On my Own'. She hasn’t shown up for the last two practices, does she even know the song? I mean…I know she's good with her mouth but-”
“I’m going to bring that up to her,” Melissa nodded. “But I also have some reservations because we can’t find anyone else to play Eponine. No one wanted to do it. Kind of weird but…”
“There are literally thousands of people in this school,” I shot back. “Just…grab one.”
“Guys, we’re going to call it a day here,” Melissa nodded to the theater group who breathed a sigh of relief and stood from their desks, exiting the room as fast as they could. I remained in my seat, my chin resting on my fist as I started at Melissa. She stood from the desk and very quietly made her way toward me. I started to tense up, was she going to kill me? To my surprise, she reached her hand out and smiled. “Come on, I want to show you something.”
I blinked for a moment, confused, but I took her hand and stood from the desk. We made our way to the front of the classroom and then across the hall, into the auditorium. I squinted as my eyes were forced to adjust to the light change; it was always dark in here. I fact, in all the times I’d been here I don’t think I’d ever actually seen the place with the lights on.
We walked past the red theater seating, toward the massive wooden stage and took a left turn at the front row. She led me onto the stage and checked a few times to make sure I was still following. All I could focus on was her damn turtleneck sweater. I seriously loved the way that thing fit on her and I was so jealous of her having a body like that. As always, though, I felt like it was something I couldn’t bring up with her. Dammit. Why couldn’t I have just been a girl? God, why did I have to keep thinking about it? It wasn’t helping. The thoughts left my mind momentarily when we reached the back of the stage and she led me through a small door. I’d never been back here.
“Check this out, right through here,” She said. “It’s the costume room, we have a ton of stuff back here.
She wasn’t wrong, the place was huge. Hugely disorganized that is. There were tons of costumes, all hanging on racks, all labeled from ‘Sci-Fi’, to ‘Victorian’, and, ‘modern’, and just about anything else you could imagine. It kind of looked like a thrift store. She smiled softly and led me over to one of the ‘Victorian’ racks. On it were some of the most beautiful dresses I’ve ever seen. Not like, regular dresses, but the kind of like, the chemise and the lace-up bodice. I’d always wanted to wear one of these but they were so expensive, and it’s not like I could hide one in my dorm room. She quietly reached into the rack and pulled one of the corset-dresses and held it out in front of her.
“What do you think?” She asked me. I wasn’t sure what she meant.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I echoed my thoughts, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the dress. I mean if we’re going to be honest I kind of like corsets; I liked the way they pressed and shaped the body, and I liked how difficult they could be to remove. They felt…so permanent.
“I mean, do you want to wear it?” She cocked her head and smiled a bit more. What did she even mean by that?
“I…guess?” I murmured a bit, suddenly redirecting my gaze to the concrete floor. I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to do here. I knew she was clued in on my little secret but I didn’t know how much I was supposed to talk about it with her.
“You can,” She said. “Well I mean you could try it on right now if you want, but I mean in the play. You don’t have to, but we could make you over easily, no one would be able to tell the difference. You’d just be an extra you know what? On the off chance someone does figure it out you can just tell them there was a balance issue between the male and female actors. It’s theater, no one cares.”
“I…I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just, my best friend doesn’t even know. I don’t know what he’d say, I don’t know what…I…what if my parents see…”
“Are your parents going to be at the play?” She raised an eyebrow and stared intently at me, the faintest beginnings of a smirk forming on her lips.
“No,” I admitted. “They’re not even in the same state it’s just…I…I don’t…ugh…I don’t know.”
I couldn’t even keep my own words straight, how was I supposed to give an answer. All at once I realized that my impending panic attack had more to do with me not wanting to admit that I wanted to say yes. Yes, of course I wanted to be a girl in the play, of course I wanted to wear that dress, of COURSE I wanted it. Oh my god why wouldn’t I? Funny enough, when I reflected back on this incident ten years later I would realize that in these days, the biggest obstacle I faced wasn’t my parents, or Mason, or…anyone really. The biggest obstacle was my indecision. My brain was teetering on the brink of an abyss, at the bottom of which was a happy, healthy life and there would even be people there to welcome me. The only person I was waiting on was me. I just couldn’t see it.
“You don’t have to do it, obviously,” She said, maintaining that warm smile. “You can be whoever you want, you can do whatever you want, but I think it would be good for you, Audrey.”
The corners of my mouth upturned as she used my real name. I tried to hide it but I’m sure she saw it. She grinned a little bit and nodded to the dress.
“You want to try it?” She smiled again.
I stalled again. I wanted to say yes but my brain was fighting me at every turn. God, what was I even supposed to do here?
“I…” I started to say, then stumbled again “…can I? It…would be okay?”
“Of course it would be okay,” She smiled. Holding the dress aside, she wrapped an arm around me and pulled me in, hugging me as tightly as she could with one arm. I tensed up; I wasn’t really sure what to do here. “It’s just you and me here, and you’re always Audrey to me, okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered, setting my head on her shoulder.
“What the hell did those GAT girls do to you to make you so afraid, anyway?” She kind halfheartedly laughed, though it made me think a bit about the last few weeks. Yeah, things had been a little crazy. “Well, whatever, there’s a dressing room over here, you want me to come in with you? Actually yeah, I’ll help you lace up the bodice.”
We crossed the room, ducking between racks of clothes and taking more left turns than a NASCAR driver on a Sunday, finally coming to a dressing room cordoned off only by a tacky green shower curtain. You know, for one of the best publicly funded universities we sure sucked at basic amenities sometimes.
“In you go!” She giggled, practically pushing me. The inside of the dressing room was deceptively large, covered in white drywall and sporting a full length mirror beside a bench.
“Okay, um…what do I do?” I know it was a stupid question, but I kind of had no idea where to start. “Do I just…undress in front of you?”
“Yep!” She said. “We’re both girls, right? It’s pretty normal. Also, this is theater, we strip down in dressing rooms all the time. Just pretend you're getting ready for a show.”
It’s hard to explain but I actually felt just fine getting undressed in front of her. It should have been weird but I guess I felt…safe. I’d gotten to know her pretty well in the last week I guess, though only from afar as she helped us get ready for the play. Now here I was stripping down in a dressing room with her. How weird was that? It didn’t feel weird at all.
“H’okay,” She said as I dropped the last of my clothes on the floor, save for my boxers. “Bra and breast forms, put these on. You don’t need them, but if you put this dress on and don’t fill it out you’re just going to be sad, okay?”
I giggled a little bit as I slid into the padded bra she handed me. She wasn’t wrong. She then handed me a pair of silicone breast forms that she must have picked up from elsewhere in the dressing room. I could only imagine that there were a bunch of them in a box, somewhere in here.
“Good to go,” She grinned at me. “Okay, we start with the chemise, it’s basically a nightgown but once we pair it with the over-dress and the bodice, it’s a pretty sexy number.”
As we went, she explained each piece of the outfit to me until we finally got to the bodice which she slid easily over my head and laced up snugly. It felt…amazing. That’s the only way I know how to put it. I loved the restrictive feeling it thrust upon me, I don’t know…that’s probably a little bit weird, isn’t it? She finally turned me around, letting me face the mirror and get a look at myself. I wasn’t wearing makeup so I didn’t exactly look feminine, but my body looked and felt amazing. The trumpet sleeves hung to my knees, and the bodice forced my waist to conform to an hourglass shape. I stared at myself in the mirror for the lonest time, wishing for only one thing: That my body could look like this all the time. A fantasy that could never be, but a fantasy that I had nonetheless.
“It was Sakiya’s idea,” Melissa said. “I talked to her the other day, she thought you should play yourself in the play, or at least a girl. You want to transition, we know you do, you said it, pretty much, and if you decide to take the leap, just know that there are a lot of people behind you. You’re not the first trans girl to come out at Woodcrest and I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you but we will do our best to make sure it’s not hard, okay? Now come on, give me a hug girlie.”
“I…” I said as I returned her embrace. “Yes, I want to play a girl…in the play. I just can’t let anyone find out okay?”
“Deal.”
Woodcrest University Radio Broadcast September 8 2018
DJ: “What’s up Woodcrest! This is your boy, Barney Schmarney, and what kind of name is that you ask? Well I say fuck you! That’s right guys, I said fuck on the radio and the FCC is going to charge is five thousand whole ass dollars! Today I’m here with our special guest, the one, the only, Alexander Garron, the newest member of the Woodcrest Board! Tell me Mr. Garron, how does it feel to buy your way onto the board of Directors?”
Garron: “First of all, young man, I didn’t buy my way onto the board. Secondly I’m here to talk about the newest programs I want to implement—”
DJ: “What can you tell us about your daughter? The one who died.”
Garron: “Young man, my daughter Makayla is very much alive, if you’re talking about my son-“
DJ: “Ooh look at that, we’re all out of time, we’ll see you guys back here tomorrow on the Woodcrest Morning shoe!”
Garron: “Hey-“
“We like to think of our heroes as immortal, flawless, incapable of doing wrong,” Mr. Stenson said as he paced back and forth in front of the whiteboard, endless arrays of notes scribbled across in blue, green, black and red. An uncapped felt-tipped marker was still clutched in his hand; he wasn’t done yet. “The truth is that our heroes are often very flawed, they have problems, some far larger than yours or mine. Take Oedipus for example, there’s a whole disorder based on a few stupid mistakes he made.”
There was an audible snickering throughout the classroom, Mr. Stenson held his hand up, indicating that we needed to cut out. The snickering ceased gradually, and the lesson continued.
“Besides the obvious, can anyone tell me what Oedipus did wrong? What was one of his biggest mistakes, yes Ms. Green?”
“He didn’t listen,” Penelope, a girl with frizzy hair, wearing a blue plaid jumper said. I surveyed her carefully from the back, watching the way she spoke, the way she sat, the way she placed her hands on her desk. I needed to know all of these things, the basics of being a woman. “But he’s a man, so,”
More snickering.
“That aside,” Mr. Stenson said, folding his hands as he addressed the lecture hall. “This weekend I have a special project for you, and it’s going to require more than one mind, so to speak. You’re all going to take a look at Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’ and I want you to find one major thing that Odysseus could have done better. It can be anything, there’s a lot of material to work with. Now, for the fun part. I’ve paired you up with one other student in the class, and you’ll need to work with them to create two opposing viewpoints for the flaw you find. Stretch those creative muscles, ladies and gentlemen!”
There was an audible groan throughout the classroom; to be honest, no one liked group assignments. Most people in this class really liked working alone but hey, what could you do? Mr. Stenson ignored the wave of groans and picked up a clipboard, explaining that the pairings. After a few names, he finally came to mine.
“Todd you will be with…Mr…uh…” He pause for a moment as he stared at the paper as if he were trying to make sense of it. I suddenly had to wonder if he’d been tweaking the night before or something. “Oh, yeah, here we go. You’re with Mr. Jones, Mike Jones, there we go.”
My heart didn’t actually stop in that moment, that would be too much of a cliché. Instead if stood up, walked out of my chest, and took a midnight train over to Louisville. I slowly looked across the lecture hall to see Mike sitting one row above me, still wearing that stupid letter jacket of his. He gave me a quick nod and I immediately returned my attention to the front, trying to resist the urge to glare at Mr. Stenson. There was nothing to say, it’s not like he knew what had been going on. He had no idea, this had been entirely random. After I finished pushing my heart back inside my chest cavity I waited for the time to run out and the class to be dismissed, which it was. I immediately stood from my desk, grabbing my belongings and making my way across the room, toward Mike. I didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to be near him. I can’t TELL you how much I didn’t want to. This was a great way to end up as a stain on the floor, or crucified on the lawn of the GAT house if he was feeling creative and diabolical.
“Hey uh…Mike,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I don’t know why I was afraid of him, it’s not like we weren’t in a room full of people.
“Todd, what’s up!” He suddenly held his hand out, elbow angled up. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me, but then I realized, it was just some kind of handshake. I compliantly took it and let him shake my hand.
“So…we’re…paired up for the assignment,” I said. “Here’s the thing…I can do it myself. I can write both viewpoints, I can come up with it in like ten minutes if you want. We don’t have to work together.”
“The hell you talking about?” He looked at me, almost in a friendly way, but it still felt as if he wanted to tear my thyroid and feed it to a bear. “We’ll work on it together, man, no one’s gonna say I didn’t do my part.”
“Um…are you sure?” I asked apprehensively. “The Odyssey is…really um…have you read it?”
“There’s a movie, right?” He asked. “I think we can get it on Amazon or something, right?”
“I think the text is a little different,” I said, trying my best not to sound condescending.
“Okay, how about this,” He said, leaning up against his desk. “You come over tomorrow, we throw back a few 40’s and you can explain it to me. I’ll have Olivia cook up some wings, we’ll have a great time, we’ll get the papers done, and everyone can be happy, sounds good, right? Right. Stop by tomorrow, dorm 215 in the Waverly wing!”
“Oh…alright, I’ll um…see you there,” I said as he gathered up his backpack and exited the room. What the hell just happened? I tried to shrug it off and walked out of the room. It would probably be best to not tell Tiffany or Aleah about that one.
Outside the room the halls were busy with foot traffic, students trying to make it to their next class. I wasn’t really in a hurry, I was kind of in a daze. My next class was algebra, a required course, but not only was I not interested in math, I suddenly didn’t want to be in the school at all.
“Hey!” A cheerful voice called out from down the hall. I turned to see Sakiya and Kari standing there. Kari was a trans girl, or so I was told; she looked completely female, I couldn’t even tell the difference. “Au…Todd, how have you been?
“I’m okay,” I said to Sakiya. “You know just…going to class and…playing games when I can.
“Okay,” She nodded. “Well, did you make an appointment with the therapist I mentioned?”
“I…called, yeah,” I nodded. She frowned.
“Really? Because I talked to her yesterday and she said she hasn’t seen you.”
Busted.
“You need help,” Kari said adamantly. “Look, we don’t know everything that’s happened to you because you’re so damned tight lipped about it but I can kinda fill in the blanks. I can tell you’re hurting, you have to do something.”
“I’ll drive you there myself if I have to,” Sakiya said to me. “Make an appointment, call today.”
“Okay,okay, I will,” I promised.
“Will you?” Sakiya raised an eyebrow, Kari folded her arms. They weren’t going to let up on this.
“Yes, I will, I promise,” I assured her. She looked at me suspiciously and then shrugged.
“I’ll be checking up on you. Oh, next week Tri Pi and Omega are having their mixer, it’s scifi themed, whatever that means. Are you coming?”
“We’re doing a Star Trek theme,” Kari filled me in. “We’re going to turn the Omega living room into the bridge of the enterprise.”
“Uh…going to fill it with green women?” I joked.
“Why, are you coming as captain kirk?”
“I feel more like a nurse chapel,” I joked.
“I’m completely lost here,” Sakiya frowned, looking between me and her. “Whatever, you just make sure you call the therapist, or there’ll be consequences.”
“What kind of consequences?” I asked kind of playfully.
“The kind where I drive you to your appointment and sit there in the waiting room with you,” Kari was annoyed. “I don’t mean to sound like a GAT girl, but do what you’re told.”
The conversation finally ended and they went on their way, thank god. I don’t know how much more of that I could have put up with. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I pushed my way down the hall. I saw Tiffany, standing next to a bulletin board and reading something but I didn’t bother to find out what; I simply ducked my head and rushed past, out of the building. Should I make that stupid appointment? I didn’t need therapy, I felt fine. As I was considering it, and chewing over the idea in my head, my phone rang. That was weird, no one ever called my phone. Who calls when you can text? I fumbled around in my pocket a bit before finally getting a grip on it and sliding it out of my pocket. Just as I turned it over to look at the caller ID, someone slammed into me, nearly knocking it out of my hand.
“Hey, watch it, cum stain!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
“Stop standing in the road cock muffin!” The guy yelled back. I growled and looked back at the phone, then my heart stopped. I stared at it for a full ten seconds before finally sliding the ‘answer’ button over and holding it to my hear.
“Hi Mom.”
“Oh, hey mom,” I spoke into the phone, not knowing why I even bothered acting surprised that she was calling. I mean, of course she was calling. What was I supposed to tell her?
“Sweetie I was worried about you,” My mother said in her concerned voice. “You haven’t called in weeks, we thought something happened to you!”
“Uh Mom,” I said as I began to walk toward the parking lot, considering making a beeline for the GAT house, but then rapidly changing my mind. “You know you can call me at any time right? Communication kind of goes both ways.”
“I know sweetie,” She said, her voice hinting at condescension. “But you’re in college now, you don’t want your old mother bothering you all the time do you?”
“You know you never bother me,” I pointed out. I headed toward the theater instead. It was jutting out from Building F off in the distance. Maybe Melissa would be there, maybe she could take my mind off of this paper I had to do with Mike. Jesus Christ, why did that asshole pair me up with Mike? Why even give Mike an assignment he knew nothing about? I mean seriously, what could Mike possibly know about ‘The Odyssey’? Maybe I could get him to watch the movie or something.
“Well I am certainly glad to hear that,” My mother gave a mock sigh of relief; she could probably hear me rolling my eyes. “Well I was calling to tell you that parent’s day is coming up, and your father, and I are going to come visit you.”
My voice caught in my throat. Parents day? When? What? Right, Parent’s day! Every year parents got a chance to come to campus and see what they were paying for. I guess they had the right but if they came here I would have to put as much distance between myself an GAT as possible. They couldn’t find out, ever. I changed my mind about the theater and began making my way toward the Tri Pi house; it wasn’t far from GAT and neither were far from the school. As my footsteps thudded down the sidewalk and past several blue flashing emergency call stations, I listened to my mother prattle on about how excited she was to see my dorm and what I’d been up to.
“Um well, I uh…look forward to seeing you,” I said. What else could I say? Just tell them not to come? That wouldn’t look suspicious at all, would it? “When would you be uh…coming?”
“Well it’s next week,” My mother said, sounding kind of shocked that I didn’t know. “They did tell you about Parent’s Day, right?”
“Oh, yeah, that told us,” I nodded as if she could see it through the phone. “I’m just…distracted.”
“Well I’ll let you go then,” She said. “I have some things to do around the house, and I imagine you have a LOT of studying to do.”
“Yeah, absolutely,” I said. I really wanted to get her off the phone. I would probably kill to do it at this point. “Just uh…call when you’re…on your way next week, okay?”
“You know I will!” She said cheerfully. “Bye for now!”
“Bye,” I said, hanging up the phone.
A few more cross streets and I was finally standing in front of the Tri Pi house. Their house was a lot different from the GAT house. It was bigger, first of all, and second it was in much better condition. The lawn was always well kept, and it was built in the style of a Greek revival home. White pillars overlaid against red brick, all set on a pristine white concrete porch. The place was immaculate inside and out; a stark contrast with the GAT house.
I knocked on the door twice and waited patiently; Sakiya had given me permission to come over whenever I wanted but I wasn’t sure how open that invitation really was honestly. After a few minutes with no answer I knocked one more time and then placed my hand on the doorknob. I felt my stomach do a bit of a flip as I turned the handle, hearing it click. I had no idea if this was okay but I was about to find out.
Inside the house seemed a little cluttered; I saw a pink Tri Pi hoodie hanging off the bannister directly ahead and it crossed my mind briefly that maybe a month ago I would have been scanning the room, trying to decide if I should try it on. It was funny how over time girl’s clothes had just become…my clothes, even if I couldn’t wear them all the time. My mind drifted a bit to the stash that Aleah and the others had accumulated for me back at the GAT house. They’d all some of their old clothes and I’d spent hours trying them on. Hey at least if I ever DID come out I’d have a ton of clothes to start out with. Not like that would ever happen.
“Hello?” I called out as I crossed the foyer and wandered into the main room. From the conference room to the left a familiar face appeared; Bliss was her name. A short girl with blonde hair, pulled back into a high ponytail and golden bangs hanging down over her forehead. Unlike the other, more typical Tri Pi’s she was dressed in a red Woodcrest sweatshirt and the pink Tri Pi skirt. What a combination.
“Audrey!” She said with a smile. “What brings you to our humble abode today?”
“Humble?” I said, looking around a the lavish hardwood molding and the golden chandelier situated above the landing of the stairs. “Um, I just…needed to talk to someone and…”
“And you didn’t want to go over to GAT?” She took my hand in hers and led me to the right, into the sitting room. I call it a sitting room because it just had a few couches and some chairs situated around a coffee table; it didn’t even have a TV. “Sit down dear, if you crawled out of your dorm it must be pretty serious. Are you eating?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. Bliss gave me a sort of stern, questioning look. “I am, I’m following the diet you guys gave me.”
“You’d better be,” She said, motioning for me to sit down on the couch. “If we have to we’ll make you keep a food diary.”
I thought about asking her why she cared, and then I remembered what had happened the last time I’d asked that question while sitting in a sorority.
“I promise you I’m eating,” I nodded. “I…”
“You have something on your mind,” She pointed out. “Well, let’s hear it.”
“It’s um…Parent’s Day is coming up and I…I guess I’m worried,” I started but stopped abruptly in the middle of the sentence, completely lost in my thoughts.
“Worried about what?” Bliss tilted her head.
“It’s just that…oh god are you reading that?” I glanced at the coffee table and saw the thick copy of ‘Angela’s Legacy’ sitting in the middle.
“Uh, yeah it’s one of my favorites,” Bliss shrugged. “You should try it.”
“Bliss,” I said insistently. “The only thing that would be worse than that book, is if someone wrote a really, really long drawn out narrative about rival sororities and transgender people with a storyline that mirrors what they WISH could have happened to them when they were younger but now don’t have a chance in hell because they’re thirty-three and their family has abandoned them, and they’re in trauma therapy because they’ve tried to kill themselves three times, all the while trying to write something worthwhile that people will love but coming up short every single time because their self-worth is in the shitter and they hate everything about themselves.”
“That was really specific,” Bliss said, blinking. “Anyway, what about parent’s day? What’s bothering you?”
“I’m worried that they’ll find out…what’s been going on,” I sighed.
“And why would they find out?” Bliss frowned.
“I mean…someone could tell them” I phrased it as a question.
“No one is going to tell them,” Bliss assured me. “Look, everyone in Tri Pi who knows risks deactivation at the national level if they tell because honestly, that’s a hate crime. Secondly, GAT…I mean GAT is kind of stupid at times but they would have the same problem and they DON’T want to face any questions from Panhellenic.”
“So you’re really, really sure?” I looked into her eyes pleadingly.
“I am absolutely, positively certain,” Bliss nodded. “Are you okay? You seem really…distant, and it’s not about this, there’s something else bothering you.”
“Bliss, I don’t want to live like this,” I sighed. “I…I don’t want to be…Todd. I don’t want to pretend. I’m pretending, that’s all I’m doing. I want to wear dresses, I want to be girly, I want to be…I…I want to be vulnerable and small and…”
As I spoke, Bliss reached a finger toward my face and wiped my eye with her finger. I guess I’d started to cry. I sniffled a bit and sat up straight, I had to keep my emotions in check. She noticed and stared at me intently with a hint of sympathy in her eyes.
“I don’t know…” I said. “I just…I can’t do that to my parents. They…they…raised a boy. A boy. I feel like I’d be ripping it away from them. I mean they raised me, they did so much for them and I’d just be betraying them. I couldn’t live with myself.”
“Hey,” Bliss squeezed my hand. “I have an old dress I’m getting rid of, do you want to go upstairs and get made up? I think it’ll make you feel better.”
I nodded.
“Alright, let’s go.”
I woke up the following day, stuffed back inside my dorm room with Mason asleep on the other side. As per usual his desk was cluttered with a landfill of energy drinks and food wrappers. I rolled my eyes and threw the blankets aside, hopping on to the floor and wandering to the bathroom to brush my teeth. On the way there I caught a glimpse of my bedside clock; it read 2:25 PM. Wow. I was being a really productive college student, wasn’t I? Thank God it was Saturday.
I brushed my teeth and threw on some clothes, just a blue t-shirt and a pair of shorts; I wasn’t looking to impress anyone, especially going over to Mike’s place. God was I really doing this? Was I actually going to go over to study with Mike? I mean that was the assignment but was it really safe? The last time I’d really had an encounter with him he’d practically tried to rape me at Wal-Mart even though he didn’t know it was me. The time before that, well, he’d nearly killed me. Yesterday though, yesterday he’d seemed perfectly nice; maybe he’d finally realized I wasn’t a threat to his girlfriend or any of his imaginary girlfriends over at the GAT house. Yeah, that could be it, right? Either way I had to get this done. I thought about calling Tiffany or Aleah, maybe telling them where I was going, but I couldn’t bother them with every little thing, right? Plus, I was a big…boy; I could make some decisions by myself. They didn’t have to be involved in EVERY decision I made, right?
Grabbing my phone and wallet, and backpack, I glanced around the room one last time to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything and rushed out onto the balcony. Mike’s dorm was three down from mine, which would have made me uncomfortable if he knew where I lived but as it stood I was pretty safe. A quick walk down the dorm stairs and a brisk jog down the sidewalk, then I was standing in front of Mike’s dorm. His was a little nicer than mine; they always saved the best for the jocks, didn’t they?
Reluctantly, I walked forward, down the concrete path and approached the glass double doors leading into the dorm. Directly inside I could see a display featuring Woodcrest’s mascot, the so-named Angry Beaver, front and center. On one side of the hallway I could see trophies in a glass case, mostly specific to the school I guess. On the right, a bulletin board accompanied by a thin LED screen flashing schoolwide events. The entire entryway felt incredibly clean; it was nothing like my dorm. Here was had a pristine white tile floor reflecting the well lights mounted inside the ceiling, over at my dorm, old gray carpet with flickering fluorescent lights. At least Woodcrest was spending money on the right things.
The next thing I noticed was the working elevator; they had one, my building didn’t. Holy shit did this ever end? I stepped to the wall and pressed the white call button, listening to the machinery behind the massive steel door begin to hum and work its magic. The doors flew open and out stepped a short brunette wearing a brief flared tunic top and a pair of skin-tight blue jeans. I ran my eyes up and down her body, from her tight-fitting top to her black wedges and felt a familiar pang within. God, I wished I could look like that. As I moved my eyes upward, mine locked with hers, she’d seen me staring. She shot me a look of utter disgust before she pushed past me and stormed out of the building, allowing the glass paneled door to slam behind her. I wanted to chase after her. I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t just a pervert, that I was like her, a girl, really truly a girl trapped inside this hulking mess of a male body. I was disgusting, and there was nothing I could do about it. I flashed back to that moment in my life I’d chosen to eat as little as possible; this was why. Exactly this. I couldn’t handle looking like a man. Defeated, I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for Mike’s floor. Moments later I emerged from the elevator and stepped onto the third floor, taking a right and knocking on one of the doors. I waited about five seconds before deciding to turn tail and run, but the handle clicked, the door opened. Olivia stood before me with a rather mute expression on her face.
“Hey Todd,” She said. I immediately noticed she was wearing a very loose white knit sweater, long sleeved. Interesting choice for this weather, and indoors. I looked at her inquisitively, she shot a glare back. “Come on in, I made some wings.”
“Great,” I replied. I got the feeling she wanted me to push past her, but I waited until she led me into the dorm. This one was bigger than mine, it looked like the damn thing actually had bedrooms, and a common area. This was practically an apartment.
“Hey, whattup Todd!” Mike shouted out as he walked toward me, reaching out his hand. I took it, and executed a sort of handshake. I didn’t want to be here, this place was…ugh it was too masculine for me. I hated this. I could see a couch, and in front of it a TV blasting a football game, maybe professional, maybe college. I had no idea. Mike was still wearing that red letter jacket like a security blanket. “So what are we doing where do we get started? You’re the man with the plan here, right?”
Mike waved me over to the couch, I took a seat at the far end, as far away from him as possible. Reaching into my backpack I produced my copy of ‘The Odyssey’, it was a thick paperback version, probably with a few too many pages for Mike to actually read.
“Well,” I said quickly, probably sounded incredibly winded for someone who had just sat down. “Our professor wanted us to examine The Odyssey for examples of how the heroes in our popular fiction aren’t really…heroes. You know, we look up to them, and to us they’re heroes, but they have their own baggage, you see what I’m saying?”
“Why is your hair that long?” Mike asked me as he reached toward the table and picked up what looked like a glass pipe, probably for pot. “Are you some kind of fag? Hey Olivia! Where are those fucking wings?!”
“They’re almost done!” She called back from the kitchen.
“Well hurry the fuck up!” He snapped. “There are hungry men out here!”
Hungry men. Right. I didn’t even want to see a chicken wing.
“Um, anyway,” I restarted. “The point I want to look at is when the Achaeans sailed to the home of Aeolus, he’s the ruler of the winds, you see, and Odysseus had been lost on the sea for years at this point-“
“YEARS?” Mike interrupted, laughing. “How stupid can a person be? Just like, turn the boat around and go home!”
“Well I mean, it’s not that simple,” I explained. “They didn’t have GPS or incredibly accurate maps. The ocean is a big place, and when you have the Goo of the Sea up your ass the whole time, it’s really hard to get anywhere. So anyway, Aeolus gives them a bag of wind that should get them home, and it does, within like ten days they can see Ithaca but this is where Odysseus made his mistake: he didn’t communicate. For being a hero, Odysseus is dense and he didn’t trust his men at ALL. He wouldn’t tell them what was in the bag, so they thought it was gold.”
“Oh hell yeah, I would’ve taken that bag right off of him!” Mike pumped his fist in the air as Olivia set a huge bowl of chicken wings down on the coffee table in front of us. “Babe get us some beers, no, fuck that, get the good stuff!”
I didn’t want beer, and I certainly didn’t want the good stuff, but before I knew it, Olivia had handed Mike a brown flask and a pair of plastic cups, clearly meant to imitate glass. The neck of the bottle made a ‘thud’ as he pressed it against the plastic rim and poured.
“Have a drink,” He said, thrusting the glass toward me.
“You know, I don’t really-“ I started to say.
“What are you, some kind of pussy?” He demanded. “Take a drink, come on.”
I took the cup timidly, pressing my lip together and gulping as I stared at the flat brown drink swishing around in a cup that was miles below the station of what it contained. Holding it to my lips, I tilted the vessel backward and closed my eyes, dreading the moment that it would actually touch my tongue. Finally, it did. The taste wasn’t horrible, I mean, it didn’t tasted great, but it wasn’t the end of the world. The real hell came as the liquid washed down my throat and slammed into the pit of my stomach. My esophagus burned, I choked. Doubling over, I slammed the cup down onto the coffee table and pounded my fist against my chest as my throat was stripped with each oncoming cough.
“Don’t tell me that’s the first time you’ve had whiskey,” Mike shook his head. “God, you’re such a girl. Here, try this.”
I looked up, he was offering me the glass pipe.
“What is that?” I asked between coughs.
“It’s pot, dude,” He laughed. “What kind of college student are you?”
A lame one apparently.
“Here,” He said, “Just take the lighter, like this, hold it up to the bowl and inhale. Easy peasy.”
“Mike,” I said, still barely recovered from the whiskey. “We should really just concentrate on the book, seriously, I don’t—”
“Look,” He said. “You come into my house, you’re going to enjoy my hospitality, now take a puff, come on.”
I didn’t know what to do. Could I just walk out? Would he let me do that? Would I let met do that? Dammit, I just needed to take a puff. I took the lighter from him and held the bowl to my lips, trying not to think about what kind of germs were being transmitted to me right now. Flicking the lighter, I allowed the flames to hit the bowl and inhaled steeply. Two things happened, first I choked on the smoke, that was coming either way. Secondly, the flame from the lighter burned my thumb, I yelped and dropped it onto the floor in front of me; Mike laughed. I didn’t think it was funny at all.
“Okay, try this shit,” He laughed, reaching to the far side of the cluttered coffee table and handing me what looked like a rice crispy treat wrapped in cellophane. “You can’t smoke, you can’t drink, you might as well try this shit, then we can really get started on the book thing.”
“You know what, fine,” I said, really annoyed at this point. My throat was burning, my lungs were on fire, and my eyes were starting to sting. How bad could it be, eating a rice crispy treat? I shrugged and snatched it out of his hand, tearing the wrapper and popping it into my mouth. His eyes went wide as I chewed it.
“Jesus, Todd,” He said. “You’re supposed to eat that like, a little bit at a time, you’ve got some balls on you after all.”
“Okay, getting back to the book,” I said, reaching into my backpack and pulling out a notepad. “The point is that if Odysseus had told his men that the wind was in the bag, then they wouldn’t have opened it, and they would have gotten home.”
“But why should he tell them? Why is it their business?” Mike asked. Surely he wasn’t serious.”
“Okay,” I said. “Look, the point is that Odysseus didn’t tell them, and they all died. As a result. Of it. I mean, like think of it this way. Odysseus was given an opportunity, by a god, of the wind, and he didn’t like, take advantage of the opportunities that the universe was giving him to better himself, and to work his way into better career options.”
Better career options? What the actual hell was I saying?
“So you’re saying he should have just been a pussy and told them. Maybe he should have kicked their asses when they tried to take it from him.”
“He was asleep,” I explained. “When you’re asleep, like, there are just some things you can’t grasp, like a bag of wind is like…a car when you’re asleep, if you sleep with it, someone’s just going to grab it, and drive off with it, and you’re just going to be stuck there with your soccer ball.”
“Are you okay over there?” Mike cocked his head a bit mockingly. “You’re not making any sense.”
“You know…what?” I said, pushing myself away from the couch as my legs collided with the coffee table. I felt the whiskey spill, running off the table and down my leg as I stumbled away from the couch and past Olivia. “I think…I think I should go get some sleep, I feel—”
“Yeah alright,” Mike said. “I don’t understand any of this crap anyway, maybe you should just do the paper.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I should write the paper and…yeah.”
I made my way toward the door, phone in hand but leaving my backpack and the copy of the Odyssey behind. The only thing I remembered was stumbling into the hallway, and after that, nothing.
My eyes cracked open ever so slowly, the world began to materialize around me as I became vaguely aware of my surroundings. I was in a room, on a bed, that much I could tell. My head was pounding, my body absolutely aching; every muscle screamed in horror as I tilted my field of view and tried to take in the room.
“Hello?” I called out as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. The lights were off, but I could see the orange light of dusk caressing the slatted blinds. There was only one bed in the room, seemingly, the rest of the space was filled with cardboard boxes and crates, how weird. I looked to the left and cringed a little as the pounding increased, sitting still for a moment, and squinting, I finally managed to mitigate the pain enough to lay eyes on a bedside table. On it was a glass of water, a pill, and a folded note that had the word ‘Dumbass’ scrawled in capital letters. Missing it the first few times, and nearly dumping the glass of water over, I finally managed to get a grip on the paper and pulled it to my face, struggling more than a bit at unfolding it.
Take the pill, come downstairs
-T
Slowly and carefully I took the pill from the table and chased it with the water, immediately choking and splurting the liquid all over myself, the bed, and probably the wall. I managed to force the pill down nonetheless and squeezed my eyes shut, inhaling and exhaling to reduce the pain I was feeling. Why did my entire body hurt? What the hell had happened? Who cared anyway. I threw the blankets aside and set my feet down on the floor, groaning as I pushed my body upright and moved toward the door. Peeking outside and into the hallway I could immediately tell that I was in the GAT house, but god only knows how I’d gotten here. I pressed onward, walking down a familiar set of stairs and emerging into a living room occupied by Tiffany, Aleah, and Lauren. All three seated on the couch, looked up at me as I stepped forward, rubbing my eyes and becoming very aware that my clothes were soaked with sweat. I must have reeked.
“So um...Olivia texted us,” Lauren informed me. “You fell down the stairs, outside of Mike’s dorm room.”
“You…what…” I started to say, and then I caught Tiffany’s gaze. It was something between a look of sympathy and a glare, I couldn’t tell what she was going for.
“Come here,” She said to me sharply.
“Why?” I asked apprehensively, thinking that now might be a great time to take off running through the back door. I could make it, right?
“Over here, now,” She snapped her fingers, I reluctantly moved toward her, visibly shaking with every single step. I wasn’t sure if she was going to slap me or lecture me, but to my complete and utter shock, she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close and laying my head against her chest. At first I lurched back in surprise, but as her arms held steady I felt the tears begin flow. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know how I was able to let go but suddenly here, in front of these three I felt more vulnerable than ever before.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”
“Shut up you goof,” She said softly, pulling me down toward the couch. She force me into a sitting position and continued to hold me in place. I wrapped my arms around her waist and melted as she rubbed my back and shushed me. I’d expected her to yell, or scream, or just slap the shit out of me, but instead she held me, I don’t know for how long but she finally loosened her grip and I pulled away slowly, looking up at her through tear stained eyes.
“Audrey,” Aleah said quietly, standing from the couch and moving closer so that she could tower over me. “You can’t do things like this.”
“I’m sorry,” I tried to explain. “It was…an assignment, we were supposed to work together and…he seemed really cool about it and…”
“No one’s mad at you sweetie,” Lauren assured me. “We just need you to be more careful.”
“Way more careful,” Tiffany agreed. “Okay look, when we first…found you upstairs honestly, I kind of hated you but now I kind of tolerate you, so I need you, REALLY need you to be careful.”
“You’re not a GAT sister,” Aleah said to me. “But you’re just as much a part of this house as any of us. You inserted yourself, unwittingly, and we kind of adopted you. Okay so, with that being said, we have something we really want to ask you.”
“You do?” I furrowed my brow. “What…what is it?”
“Okay,” Lauren stepped closer, taking one of my hands in hers. “We’ve been talking about it, and we think you should pledge to GAT.”
“Sorry, what?” I looked up at her, more confused than I ever had been in my entire life.
“Okay, obviously it can’t happen right away,” Aleah butted in. “Our sorority has…guidelines for accepting transgender people but there are a lot of stipulations. You have to be on hormone treatments, you have to live as a woman 24/7, it helps to have your gender marker changed. I mean it sounds like a lot but they want to make sure you’re actually committed to it. So, for a while, maybe for the rest of the year we want you to hang out with us more, learn to…you know, really be a girl. If that’s what you want I mean.”
It was a weird question. Before I’d snuck into this house just over a month ago, that was seriously something I would have wanted. I wanted to be pushed to transition, I wanted to be shown the way. I would never have said it out loud, at least not back then, but I wanted it more than anything. Something was different now, very different. There were so many things going on around me. Mike, Mason, the play, the increasingly heavy burden of school work, you name it. The ultimate question, I guess, was could I really transition during all of this? Could I pull it off? I really didn’t have an answer.
“I…I don’t know,” I admitted. “There’s so much going on, do you think I can really do it right?”
“You seem like a pretty ordinary girl to me,” Tiffany reassured me. “You’re a goober but I think you can pull it off.”
“Maybe…” I said, trailing off a bit and pondering. “I mean, maybe we could wait until Parent’s Day is over, it’s not something that I really want to explain to my mom and dad.”
“That’s a good thought,” Lauren nodded. “Well Parent’s Day is next week so you have plenty of time to think about it.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll think about it I just…I’m worried. I know Mason has to find out someday, and then my parents, or maybe not even in that order. I’m worried about…what people will think, I guess.”
“Okay so here’s the thing,” Aleah told me. “When Olivia texted us we were…worried. The way we would be worried about one of our own sisters. You’ve really grown on us, and we think you’ll be a valuable member.”
“If you can make it past the hazing,” Tiffany snickered.
“She already did once,” Lauren reminded them.
Well then, what did I have to worry about?
“This mall is always so busy,” Mason complained as we pushed out way through the crowd. “You’d think there would be a Gamestop that ISN’T in a mall…somewhere at least.”
“Aren’t you enjoying the social experience?” I joked, squinting in the light pounding through tinted glass far above. My feet pounded softly against the marble below as we walked alongside a glass barrier, the only thing that separated us and the marble two floors below. My shoes were comfortable. I yearned for the tight, forbidding grip of Tiffany’s heels. I reflected back on the first time I’d worn them, a slight grin formed as I remembered the way I’d fallen in front of the refrigerator.
“What’s with you and that?” Mason glanced over at me. The Gamestop was just ahead, across the food court. “You used to be a complete hermit, lately you’ve been talking to people and acting…my god like a normal person. What did those GAT girls do to you?”
I didn’t even realize it, but maybe it was true? Maybe I felt more comfortable talking to people and going out now, and maybe it was because they’d pushed me. Maybe that was a good thing, right?
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Hey you want to stop and get something to eat? I’m a little hungry.”
Mason stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me as if a black cat had just crossed his path.
“What?” I asked him, frowning.
“In all the time I’ve known you,” He said. “I swear those words have never come out of your mouth. You want to EAT?!”
“Well I mean…I guess?” I shrugged. “If it’s too much trouble though.”
“No,” He shook his head. “It’s…not too much trouble it’s just…what did those GAT girls do to you?”
“Nothing,” I reassured him. “I just…mow their lawn.”
“That’s a euphemism for something, right?”
“There are like a billion places to eat,” I craned my neck to see around the crowd. “Which one do we want?”
“Let’s just do fast food,” Mason said conclusively. “We need to eat and get out of here, got a lot to do today, you know?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. When he said ‘a lot to do’ he was referring to our game, Dark Pantheon. Our guild was planning a raid and that should have been exciting, but it really wasn’t. I was caring less and less, the only place I wanted to be was the GAT or Tri Pi house. But then, why was I here? Why was I bothering to keep up appearances? I could end this, right now. I could look at Mason and confess that I was transgender. He would either accept it or react the way Chastity had. Either way I would be free, so why didn’t I do it? I wanted to be free, right?
“Right,” He clapped his hands and moved toward the Burger King on the other side and to the left. “I’m hankering for a Whopper.”
A girl passed by us, draped in a tight orange sundress patterned with cumulus clouds. I closed my eyes for a moment and waited as the pang of sorrow for who I could have been creeped through my conscious mind and stabbed me in the gut. Who I could have been. It was worse lately, so much worse. The pain had always been there really, but I was able to ignore it to an extent. Ever since Tiffany and GAT had shown me what was possible it was just…it was becoming unbearable. I want to be her. I want to be Audrey.
“I want to be Audrey,” I muttered under my breath. My eyes widened as Mason glanced toward me.
“Sorry, what?” Mason asked over the hum of the crowd.
“What? Oh nothing, I was just clearing my throat. Mason looked at me oddly; he’d heard me, he knew what I’d said but for some reason he turned and continued to walk toward the Burger King. I was facing an impossible enemy: me. I had to overcome myself, I had to come out, but I couldn’t. Another girl passed us, I closed my eyes and turned away. Who was I? I was Audrey. No, I was Todd, I had to be Todd.
“What the hell is this?” Mason looked to the floor, I glanced down and noticed he’d tripped on something, a pink backpack.
“Oh just walk around it,” I snapped. “I’m hungry.”
I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to get out of the mall. I wanted out, I had to get out. Mason bent over, reaching downward to grab the backpack by its handle and hoist it upward.
“Well look at that,” He mused. “Has a name on it…Makayla. Hey is there a Makayla around here?!”
I waited in silence for him to either stop screwing around or someone to talk to him and reclaim the backpack.
“Let’s just go,” I said, a quiet exhale escaping my lips.
“We should just open it up and—”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be dressed like this, I didn’t want to be called Todd. I wasn’t Todd, I was Todd. I wasn’t. I broke with reality; my feet turned toward the exit and took off running, my upper body seemingly a passenger. I thought I heard him call out after me, but his voice was absorbed into the crowd of disembodies ones, making it easier to run really. Yeah, he was everywhere, but I was in control of the situation. He couldn’t stop me. No one could stop me. I couldn’t stop me.
Keep going.
I slipped, my feet sliding across the floor, a harsh impact with the glass railing, and a thud as my body ricocheted back into the crowd. I learn a few curses, a person telling me to watch where I was going, at least one gasp, a female voice asking me if I was okay. I didn’t have time to stop. The world was closing in around me, the exit to the upper level of the parking lot was ahead and stretching further away, the light at the end of the tunnel fleeing in my presence.
Like swimming through molasses I finally pushed my way through the crowd, ducking and dodging until my body pressed through the airlock and blasted into the parking lot. The open air around me depressurized my being, I was free, but I wasn’t done yet. I took a sharp left and made a bee line for a patch of trees off in the distance, beyond the curb at the edge of the parking lot. Jumping the curb and nearly falling again, I breached the treeline and collapsed in a small clearing. A branch smacked my face; I dropped, hands and knees onto bare ground, my strife witnessed by trees, rocks, and the open blue sky. I was alone.
“I’m Audrey,” I spoke to the ground, breathing heavily, my saliva dripping from dry, chapped lips. “I’m Audrey. My name is Audrey, my name is Audrey, oh god.”
I said it, I said it as many times as I could but no matter how many times the words escaped my lips they were lost on the wind. It wasn’t true, it would never be true no matter how many times I said it. I pounded my fist against the dirt, pain shot down my wrists and spread across my closed palms. God dammit no, no I was Audrey.
“Come out Audrey,” I pleaded. “Just let me be you, please.”
“Todd?” Mason’s voice came from behind, I questioned whether it was even real. I turned, dropping onto my butt and supporting my weight with open palms behind me.
“Mason,” I said, gasping for breath. “I…I need to tell you something.”
“You told him you had anxiety?” Melissa raised an eyebrow, her hand poised on the meeting room door. On the other side would be the rest of the main cast, Josh Barnes as Jean Val Jean, Caitlyn Reedy playing Fantine, and a host of other people. The only people who would be missing were the bystanders for the musical numbers. There were about fifty of those, some students, some people from around Woodcrest who fancied themselves aspiring actors. “Are you EVER going to tell him the truth?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “He’s my best friend but…I’m just afraid that if I tell him, he won’t be.”
“Okay question,” Melissa stopped me. “If he isn’t going to be your friend anymore over something like this then was he really your friend to begin with? Is he really worth keeping around?”
“I…” I started to speak but she cut me off rapidly by pulling on the door handle and walking briskly into the conference room which was nothing more than a barebones classroom with theater posters on the wall, from Rent to Phantom of the Opera and everything in between. The walls themselves were bare brick, a stark contrast to the rest of the school and I couldn’t help but wonder if the Bohemian aesthetic was a matter of coincidence or intent. In lieu of desks there as beanbag chairs, recliners, and a few couches, all of which were occupied by cast members. They barely acknowledged us as we walked in, lost in their own conversations or leafing through the script. A few people were scrolling on their phones, though not many. I hurriedly crossed the room and took one of the empty seats on a worn couch next to a blonde girl pouring over the script and drinking from a thermos. The murmuring in the room began to die down as Melissa cleared her throat and surveyed the room.
“Thanks everyone for coming!” She said in her usual upbeat tone. “We’re still missing our Eponine but as always I have total faith that she’s been practicing. If not, we have a backup plan. Okay, so moving on, the biggest problem we’re facing right now is some of the special effects. Um, the sewer scene near the end of the play, we need a working fogger to simulate it and the one we have is broken. So if anyone has a fogger laying around….?”
“I think I have one in my garage,” A guy said. I think he was playing Thénardier in the production. I wasn’t sure though.
“That is AWESOME!” Melissa said enthusiastically. “Okay, so next, I want to introduce everyone to my niece, Leila, she’ll be playing the role of Cosette and she’s very excited!”
From the front row a young brunette girl stood and walked forward, turning around to glance a the room before looking up at Melissa.
“EXCUSE me,” Leila snapped. “You said there would be cookies. I don’t SEE any cookies.”
“Well, acting is its own reward,” Melissa said, smiling. “And you’re excited, right?”
“I want my damn cookies!” Leila stomped before storming out of the room.
“I have lots of faith in my niece, she’ll make a perfect Cosette,” Melissa reassured us as the door slammed. “Okay so before we get on to the script reading, do we have any questions?”
I raised my hand. I don’t know why I was doing it, I just knew I had to. It had to be done, right now. The sense of despair permeating my very core was too much to bear. My stomach lurched as Melissa turned to me and smiled.
“Yes, Todd?” She asked. All eyes were on me, there was no turning back now.
“I um…have…something to say,” I almost whispered.
“Well why don’t you come up here?” She motioned to me. Everyone was still staring at me, I felt like I was under a microscope but it would have been even stranger if I’d just said ‘never mind’ and sat back down. I exhaled heavily and stood from the couch, walking forward to the front of the room. A quick glance over at Melissa revealed a look of concern but also support, her hazel eyes regarded me softly and I wondered if she knew what I was about to do. Probably not, I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I cleared my throat and closed my eyes for a moment before speaking. Keeping my gaze firmly on the floor, I finally spoke.
“Hey…everyone, um…you know me as um…Todd, and um…I’ve been here for a few weeks, practicing with you to um…play an extra, I guess. So I…well…I just want to introduce myself…again,” I folded my hands in front of me, squeezing my fingers and playing with them over and over as I tried to push back the anxiety that was filling up behind my eyes, like a pool reaching maximum capacity. I needed to say it, I just needed to say it. Come on god dammit, say it. “My…my…name is…I’m…”
Amidst my stammering and fidgeting I felt a warmth in my hand, a softness. I slowly looked to my right and saw Melissa taking my hand in hers and giving it a squeeze. She gave me a look of encouragement, and it may have helped, but I couldn’t tell the difference.
“My name…is Audrey and…I’m…I’m going to be playing a girl in the play…”
I’d said it. The words had left my mouth, there was no taking them back now. The die for public humiliation had been cast and as silence hung over the room, I dreaded the fate that was about to be bestowed upon me. I waited, and waited, but it was Melissa who spoke first.
“Audrey,” She said softly, her hand still firmly grasping mine. “This isn’t just a theater class, we’re a family here and you’re part of it. If you say you’re Audrey, then you’re Audrey, and no one here is going to attack you or give you a hard time over it.”
“That’s right,” The girl who I had been sitting beside said, standing up. “You’re one of us, whether your name is Todd, or Audrey, or…anything else. You’re safe with us.
The rest of the room murmured in agreement, I looked to Melissa who was now regarding me with a huge smile.
“I’m so proud of you,” She said, wrapping me in a hug that warmed me to the core. “We’ll make his work, you’re going to be yourself, or at least a girl in the play. I promise.”
“And if anyone has a problem with it,” Brandon Reynolds, one of the other actors stood up wearing a French military hat. “ Then let them answer to Javert!”
The silence held for a moment, and then, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I burst out laughing along with the rest of the room. Melissa released me as members of the theater class came forward to embrace me and give words of encouragement. I had expected this to go so badly, but instead, this was the best I’d ever felt in my life. I wasn’t out to Mason, or the rest of the world, but here in this room, I was Audrey, and for right now that was enough. All was right with the world.
In my dreams I’m a boy. Just a boy like any other. I want to be a girl, I want it so badly. I want to be Audrey, I want it with every fiber of my being, but it’s a reality that I can never hope to manifest. In my dreams I try to be a girl, I try to wear the clothes, do the makeup, change my voice, but the makeup melts, the body hair regrows in torrents, my voice deepens. I am living in a nightmare and it’s only gotten worse as of late. Even in the subconscious realm I cannot escape what society dictates I should be. In my dreams, the enemy wears my face.
I awakened with a start, sweating heavily and shaking. I was in my dorm room, sunlight creeping through the closed blinds, the Dark Panthon logo screen glowing dimly from the other side of the room. We’d put in an all nightery and still I managed to wake up before Mason. The first thing I did, as always, was reach for my phone right beside my pillow. 10 new notifications; I wasn’t the most popular person was I? There was an e-mail from the GAT mailing list, something about a meeting. They’d added me to it a while ago, I never attended the meetings. The second notification was from Mr. Stenson, my l literature teacher. Oh, shit.
‘Todd – I need to see you, stop by my classroom at 3:30 PM.’
Of course, I’d never finished the stupid paper on ‘The Odyssey’. My eyes wandered up to the corner of the phone. 3:15 PM. Of course it was. I flew out of the bed and slammed face first into the front door. I swore that next year we were going to get a bigger dorm. Grabbing nothing but my phone and wallet, I fled from the room still in my pajamas. I made a beeline from the dorm to building A13 which, by the way, wasn’t that far from my place. I was out of breath by the time I reached the classroom, Mr. Stenson was in his usual spot, at his desk near the front.
“Todd,” He said rather flatly. “I thought you weren’t going to make it.”
“Well I love a dramatic entrance,” I shrugged as I made my way to the front of the classroom.
“And a dramatic drop in your grade point average,” He pointed to a paper sitting on his desk, it was a spreadsheet, my name sitting at the top in bold. “Your GPA has held pretty steady all year, so this is interesting to me. You’ve started to drop, badly, not just in my class but in all of your other classes. I think you’re a pretty good student, brilliant really, so this doesn’t seem like you. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
How I wished I could tell him what was going on.
“I um…I guess I’ve been distracted,” I shrugged. “I missed the Odysseus assignment, I guess.”
“Yes, you did, and honestly I was looking forward to your paper but the fact is, you’ve missed three assignments. By all rights I should fail you, and all of your other teachers are thinking the same. Unless there’s a drastic change you’re not going to make it through this semester. Now, that isn’t something we want to do. I recognize potential when I see it, I’ve notice you’re acting in the Les Miserables production, not exactly the behavior of a slacker so I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here.”
“What…what do you mean?” I asked. I had to pass this class, I had to pass every one of my classes; I couldn’t tell my parents that they’d paid for me to go to college just to have me flunk out. I could never show my face at home again. Oh hell, parent’s week was coming up, they’d find out even sooner.
“What I mean is you need to make up this assignment, and you need to make up the last two that you missed. You should consider yourself lucky, I would fail most anyone else but…frankly I don’t want to see a promising student fail out of Woodcrest over personal issues. I can tell there’s something going on, and while I don’t expect you to tell me what it is, I do expect you to resolve it and get your mind back where it belongs: on your schoolwork.”
“I’ll try,” I said, nodding. “I mean I’ll get the assignment done, but I’ll try to resolve my…personal problems.”
“See that you do,” He nodded. “The Odyssey assignment is due at 5 PM next Tuesday.”
“Alright, thanks,” I said as I turned to leave. I pressed out into the hallway and exited the building. I was failing. I was failing school and there was really nothing I could do about it. What was I supposed to do? If I failed, I wouldn’t be here anymore, and my relationship with the GAT and Tri Pi houses had helped me more with my transition than anyone else. If I left this place, if I went back home, I would backslide. Had I really made any progress though? I was still me, I was still this…guy. The only difference was that people here, they knew who I was. Some of them. I was accepted by girls at GAT and Tri Pi, in their eyes I was a girl and that made all the difference in the world. I sighed and pulled out my phone, pulling up Tiffany’s number.
“Sup?” She answered. She sounded distracted, which was par for the course with her.
“I’m failing out of college,” I said bluntly. The line went silent for a moment.
“Okay,” She said as if she’d heard this line a million times. “Get a list of the assignments you need and meet me at the GAT house in an hour, we’re going to see if we can fix this.”
I felt like she understood the situation, maybe she didn’t want me to leave either. The line went dead; she did that a lot when she was ‘done talking’. Getting a list of the assignments was easy enough; all I had to do was look at the student portal and pull up past assignments; anything I’d missed would be highlighted in read. There was probably a lot of red.
As I prepared to cross the street and head to the GAT house it hit me again. Dysphoria. Heavier this time; I didn’t know what was causing it, I’m sure it didn’t matter. A sledgehammer to the face, a punch in the gut, a longing to be someone I could never be and a wave of uncontrollable despair, dragging me into a sea of my own self-loathing. My vision swam and my gaze was lost in the scenery of passing cars. I just had to step out there, just a few steps and it would be over. I would never have to feel this way again, I could…be free. Why didn’t I? What would it matter? I wouldn’t feel much pain, and then it would just fade to blackness. I wouldn’t know anything, I wouldn’t feel anything, I wouldn’t need to BE anything.
“Please let me be you,” I whispered again to Audrey, buried somewhere deep inside. “Tell me how to do this.”
I snapped out of it, the pain was still there, ever rampant in my soul, but I was alive. I knew it, though. I knew that I wouldn’t be alive for long. I had to come out, I had to transition, or I wouldn’t live to see the end of the year.
I arrived at the GAT house maybe an hour later, laptop in hand, noticing immediately that there were a few extra cars parked on the curb. That was a little odd considering the house had parking in the back, were they having a party or something? I shrugged it off and pushed through the gate, making my way toward the porch. A quick trip the creaky steps ended in me standing before the white door which I’d seen so many times in the last month and a half. I knock lightly, as always, probably hoping somewhere deep inside that the door wouldn’t open. But it did, it always did. Lauren stood before me, wearing her usual tight cami covered with an open collared shirt, both of which framed her body perfectly. I was concerned, really concerned that whenever I saw another girl now I found myself checking out her outfit before I even looked at HER.
“Did you bring everything?” Lauren asked me, craning to see the laptop under my shoulder. “Do you have it all on there?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I can just get onto the student portal to find the missing assignments and I have a few of the documents on my computer, I can share them with you over One Drive if we need to.”
“Okay great,” Lauren nodded as she led me into the house. “We’re set up in the conference room, we can tackle the assignments one by one, it shouldn’t take more than a few hours.”
“Wait,” I frowned. “You’re ALL helping with this?”
“Yep,” Tiffany stepped out from the kitchen and joined us as we walked toward the back of the house. “We’re all going to help you fix this little problem, it’s kind of cheating but we think your um…life here is a little more important than some bullshit paper you probably could have aced anyway.”
I started to mutter at least a word of thanks as Tiffany threw the conference door open but I was immediately ushered in by Isabella who directed me to an empty seat. Aleah was nowhere to be seen but Courtney and Liz were here.
“H’okay,” Courtney said, clearing her throat. “We need to start with um…the Odysseus paper. It’s going to be pretty easy to write, I did it last year. Basically you’re trying to show that the ‘hero’ of a story isn’t always the ‘hero’.”
“Wait,” Tiffany said, probably feigning confusion. “You’re telling me people write books where the hero is the bad guy?”
“Uh, kinda,” Courtney nodded as she took a seat at the conference table and opened her own laptop. “Like…take Dune for example, Paul is portrayed as a revolutionary but if you look at the deeper meaning, he’s really just a ‘white savior’ type that appropriated an entire culture to get revenge on the guy that killed his daddy.”
“Ya’ll are a bunch of nerds,” Tiffany rolled her eyes.
“Audrey, please focus on your paper,” Courtney told me. “Lauren and I will work on the other two. This shouldn’t take long.”
I plugged away at the keyboard for what seemed like hours, but every time I would glance at the clock it had only been five to ten minutes. Every once in a while I would look up from my keyboard to see Courtney staring at me and motioning for me to get back to work. Tiffany sat in silence at the head of the table staring at an iPad and occasionally, poking at her own laptop. I wondered what she was doing but I felt like if I stood up to look I would get thrashed, for starters. So, I continued until the paper was done, it really didn’t take long.
“Okay, I can send this over to Mr. Stenson,” I said, saving the document one more time.
“Proofread it,” Tiffany said, still staring at her own screen. I sighed and went back to the top of the document, working my way down and fixing a few spelling errors as I went.
“Okay,” I heard Courtney say from beside me. “I made this different enough from the paper I did last year I think, and I’ve pretty much emulated Audrey’s writing style-“
“How do you know my writing style?” I turned to look at her incredulously.
“Um, we’ve all read your forum posts from the Transgender Hope site, and any texts you send us are basically books. I know how you write.”
I turned bright red, there were no words sufficient to convey my embarrassment. I looked back to my own computer, trying to avoid Courtney’s piercing stare, and then I started to look back to Tiffany to ask her if was okay to send my own paper in. Just as I opened my mouth, the conference room door opened and another girl stuck her head in.
“Hey Tiffany, there’s some girl here to see you, not sure who she is, or whatever,” The girl said before stepping out again, leaving the door open.
“Not like I don’t have things to do,” Tiffany muttered as she closed her laptop and stood up. She pushed her chair back and walked out towards the living room. I listened for a moment, and then I heard her practically shout: “What the fuck are you doing here?”!
I looked back at Courtney and Lauren who both shrugged. We immediately stood from the table and began our walk to the living room; whatever the drama was, we weren’t going to miss it. I went first, emerging from the conference room and into the tiny hallway that led into the dining room area. As I emerged into sight of the living room I heard it, a voice that I never expected to hear again.
“I came here to work things out with you TIFFANY,” Chastity, my ex-girlfriend said snobbishly. “I think if we just talk it out we can – wait, what the hell is HE still doing here?”
Tiffany turned to look at me, Chastity glared at me. I stood there with a lump in my throat.
“Chastity, we agreed you wouldn’t come back here,” Tiffany folded her arms. “At this point you’re harassing one of my friends. If you keep coming back here we can file a trespass order and make sure you stay a hundred yards away from the house at all times. I don’t feel like doing it, and I’m sure you don’t want it on your record so-“
“NO!” Chastity practically screamed and stomped her foot. “You and I were friends and then…HE came up with this trans crap. He’s lying to you, he’s a liar! What is it, Todd? Did you read about being transgendered online and use it to get close to them? They’re not going to fuck you, Todd, they want real men, not men that pretend to be sissies, you’re pathetic.”
Her words weren’t true but they cut deep nonetheless. Yeah, we’d broken up but she was still someone I loved, despite how she was treating me right now. I turned to the right and pretended to look at my phone; I couldn’t let her see me cry.
“Oh, what, you’re just going to ignore me you tranny piece of shit?!” Chastity began to storm toward me, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Tiffany and Lauren literally grab her by the arms and pull her back. “Get off of me!”
“Chastity you’re…going to have to go,” Tiffany said firmly. “You’re not welcome here anymore, stop harassing us, stop harassing her or I’ll go to the police.”
“Oh, you know what?” Chastity shook free of Tiffany and Lauran, glaring at me and stomping toward the front door. “You’re ALL going to have problems, ALL of you in about a day, I swear to god. This little…thing you have going? It’s over. I’m going to DESTROY you, and I’m going to end your little game, Todd. Just wait, just FUCKING wait!”
With that, she slammed the front door, and we heard an angry shriek from the front walk as she exited the property. There was a brief moment of silence and finally, Tiffany looked up at me and spoke as if nothing had happened.
“Get the paper turned in.”
“Todd Remeika?” The therapist called, poking her head out the door just enough to see into the waiting room.
“Uh, yeah, that’s…me,” I nodded, not moving from my chair. I could hear the muscles in the necks of every other patient creaking as they turned to look at me. Oh, right, yeah, I was supposed to get up. I stood up from the chair, straight as a shot and dropped my phone on the floor. Picking it up, I jetted across the floor and nearly slammed into the therapist who was now holding the door open just enough for me to get through.
“Hi Todd,” She said, walking down a long hallway toward her office. I followed her nervously, playing tossing my phone from hand to hand. “My name is Mary Roudebush, It’s great to meet you, why don’t we have a seat in here?”
“Uh, yeah,” I blurted out, passing through a door and emerging into an office of sorts, one with a desk and a few chairs. I stood in the middle of the room like an idiot, waiting for her to tell me what to do.
“Oh! You can sit down,” She said with a smile. “Just pick whichever chair you’re comfortable with.”
She was older than me, probably mid-thirties with long but thinning blonde hair and a pair of black rimmed glasses. She was dressed casually, but everything about her screamed ‘professional’ and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit intimidated. I plopped down in the chair nearest the wall and folded my hands, my foot involuntarily tapping the floor.
“You seem a little nervous,” She said to me, sitting across in the other chair. She was the therapist that Kari and Sakiya had recommended, but she didn’t know a thing about me honestly. I didn’t know how I was going to blurt this out. “What brings you in today?”
“Um…I guess I…I just wanted to talk about…my life,” I said, biting my lower lip and looking around at the four walls surrounding us. Jesus why was I so nervous?
“Well,” She told me. “I want you to know that everything you tell me in here is in confidence, so please, feel free to tell me what’s on your mind, or we could just talk, it’s really up to you.”
“So we can talk about anything, and no one will ever know?” I looked at her nervously, I didn’t quite believe it.
“That’s what therapy is,” She smiled. “So why don’t we start simply. Tell me about yourself.”
“Well um…” I stuttered a little bit, I wasn’t sure where I should be going with this. “My name is…Todd and…I…well I go to college at Woodcrest University. I’m studying to be…well my major is English, I’m not sure where I’m going with that, I’m transgender, I really like video games, I play Dark Pantheon with my best friend, we’re roommates, we share a dorm. Oh, my girlfriend recently broke up with me…there really isn’t much to me.”
“I see,” She nodded. “Well you said a lot there, but I feel like there’s only one topic you really want to talk about today.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I…I mean it’s really hard for me to say it out loud but…I’ve…I’ve always felt like a girl and lately things have gotten…difficult.”
“Difficult, how?”
“I guess…I mean…I was able to just…ignore it before. I could…just be a guy and everything was fine. I wanted to be a girl but…it didn’t consume my life.”
“And now?”
“It’s just…it hurts. I need to be Audrey, that’s…my name. My real name I mean. I need to be her all the time and I can’t…I can’t figure out how.”
“Okay,” She said, typing a few things into a laptop sitting on her desk. “I think we’re missing part of the story here. You said you were fine being a guy for a while, but suddenly things changed. I think we need to figure out what changed. Did something happen in your life?”
“I…kinda?” I didn’t know if I should tell her this, but this was all confidential, right? “This is…going to sound really bad, like really really bad but…I…broke into the GAT house and…sort of stole a dress.”
“You broke INTO the GAT house? As in Gamma Alpha Tau?” Mary regarded me with a look of panic, as if someone had walked over her grave. “Oh my god, Audrey, they…um, you know last year, a guy broke in and their president just attacked him with a melon baller; he underwent plastic surgery in the hospital.”
“I guess…they liked me?” I shrugged. “I mean they were going to ruin my life, they had pictures of me in the dress and…they were going to send it to all of my contacts but…I guess they found…my trans stuff, like the forum I visit, and stuff, on my phone and…”
“You’re telling me Gamma Alpha Tau let you off because of that?” She raised an eyebrow. “Are you being completely honest with me right now?”
“I…yeah and…they’ve helped me a lot…I haven’t really been able to go outside as myself…except for once but…I think they’re helping me be more…confident.”
I couldn’t believe I was saying all of this, the things I was telling her? Basically my most well-guarded secrets for my entire life, but here I was, spilling it all.
“How long have you known that you were transgender?” She turned back to her laptop to type in some notes, glancing up at me periodically.
“I guess since I was about six, I was sitting with my mom in our car before school, I was in kindergarten and I remember asking her, ‘Mom, am I a boy or a girl?’ and she said: ‘You’re my beautiful little boy’. I mean, it’s obvious she wants to be the mother to a…boy…and…I mean, if I come out to her, then I’ve killed that, I’ve taken it from her. I keep thinking that it might be better to just…keep it all in. I can live with the pain, I can push through it but my mom, and my dad, they already raised a girl, they don’t need another one, you know?”
“I think that maybe you shouldn’t be thinking about what they need,” Mary suggested. “Maybe you should be thinking about what you need and what would be best for you in the future. The question is, what do YOU want to do?”
“I want to transition,” I admitted. “Every time I see a girl in public I wish I could BE her. It hurts, it hurts that I really can’t. I feel like…like I’ll never look like that, like I’ll always look like this. I want to come out to everyone but my parents and…my best friend, Mason, I don’t want to lose them. I just…feel like I’m not going to make it if I don’t…if I don’t transition, if I don’t be who I really am.”
“Alright,” Mary nodded. “So you’re saying you want to start hormone replacement therapy?”
“I guess…yes…” I nodded. “How do I do that? How do I get started?”
“Well here’s the thing,” Mary said. “To be approved for hormones you need a letter from your therapist, that would be me, but before I write that letter I’m going to need a few things from you. First of all, you’re not presenting female, at all. I need to know that you want this, so I’m going to ask that you present as a woman in public for at least twelve months, and then we can revisit the letter. In the meantime, I want you to come see me twice a month, it’s entirely possible that you’ll change your mind within the next year and I don’t want you to make any decisions that you’ll regret.”
“But wait,” I frowned. “I already know I’m trans, I already KNOW this is what I want to do, why do we have to wait? Why can’t I just get the letter now?”
“This is a very serious, very life changing decision,” She pointed out to me. “You need to be sure you’re ready, and I need to be sure you’re ready. We’ll work our way up to it.”
“Alright,” I hung my head, defeated. “I guess we should make our next appointment then.”
This had gone far worse than I’d expected, and parent’s day was coming up. I couldn’t present as myself until after they’d left. What kind of a mess was I in? I left Mary’s office feeling like I’d made zero progress in an uphill battle and it was only going to get worse.
I took a deep breath and pushed out through the door of my dorm, it was the day I’d been dreading for weeks, at least since I’d had time to think about life after the initial GAT house incident. My parents were in town, actually they were waiting for me in the quad. I checked my phone, it was 10:15 in the morning, I had seventy-five missed messages from the GAT chat, and one missed message from Sakiya. She really liked checking up on me.
Emerging into the brisk morning air, I took a left and made my way toward the stairs, slightly jealous of the working elevator in the dorm building just a few hundred yards from mine. Still, I needed to be thankful for what I had, for what I DID have anyway. I had to be Todd today, for my parents. I couldn’t slip up. Of course the notion that I WOULD slip up was a bit stupid, after all, there was no reason for them to suspect anything, right? Right.
The trip the ground floor was shorter than I remembered; probably because I was dreading actually seeing them. It would be weird, seeing them face to face and pretending that everything was normal; they didn’t even know how close I’d come to stepping into traffic the other day. God this was going to hurt but I had to push on, they needed to see me, they needed to know I was okay, even if I was far from okay. As I walked down the sidewalk, crossing a parking lot toward the commons, I felt my phone buzz. A text from Aleah to the entire GAT house: Everyone get to the house ASAP – YOU TOO AUDREY. I really didn’t have time for that today. I could see them across the quad, sitting there at one of the stone picnic tables.
“Hey guys,” I said as I approached, they immediately rose from the table, my mom hugged me, my dad offered a firm handshake.
“We’ve missed you sweetie,” My mom said, with a look of concern painting her face. “You still don’t call!”
“Well,” I forced a laugh. “You could always call me, like I said.”
“It’s true,” My father confirmed. “We haven’t done our part there, but we also aren’t staying long.”
“You’re not?” I looked at them confused. “It’s kind of a parent’s week thing, you can stay if you want.”
“We know, sweetie,” My mother smiled. “But we also know you have a life here, you left home, you’re on your own, you’re doing things and we’re not going to get in the way.”
“Well I mean…” I stopped myself short. Who really wants to tell their parents that they don’t want them around? I looked around the quad, seeing all of the other students speaking with their own parents, it was kind of a big event but I was secretly grateful. I was in no condition to spend a long period of time with either of them, it would be a huge relief if they left, actually. “If that’s what you want to do…”
“We have plenty of sightseeing planned,” My mom said proudly. “Plus, we need to stop by the East Campus and see your sister. Speaking of which, she says you haven’t talked to her much either. What are you doing these days?”
“Well um, you know,” I sighed a little as I searched for the correct words, whatever they were. “I’ve been studying, and hanging out with Mason.”
“Oh yeah, Mason,” My father mused. “How is Mason these days?”
They never approved of Mason, even when we were in high school he was supposedly a bad influence. He’d managed to get his hands on more than one bottle, though now I was starting to understand why he drank, why he stayed up l ate, why he became lost in Dark Pantheon. He was looking for an escape from life, maybe the escape I would need to find for myself eventually, if things continued to go downhill. From the corner of my eye I noticed Mike, still married to the red letter jacket, but sitting on one of the concrete benches near the edge of the quad, waiting for someone perhaps. Absent from the quad were literally any of the GAT members, I guess they were at that house meeting, whatever it was about.
“Well he…games a lot,” I shrugged.
“That boy never changes,” My mom rolled her eyes. “Anyway, we’ve made a reservation over at Weir’s – we figured you needed to get away from the ramen, just for a little while.”
If I’d actually beet eating a lot of ramen then I might have been defensive but I hadn’t really been eating much of anything at all unless Tr Pi or GAT insisted.
“So…where are you guys parked?” I craned my neck, looking at the parking lot beyond the quad.
“Oh, right over here,” My dad, slapped me on the back as we began walking “I just want you to know son, I’m proud of you, Woodcrest is a great school, you’re pursing your dream and you’re getting a chance to be who you really are, that’s really something.”
Oh Jesus Harambe Christ.
“Yeah Dad,” I nodded. “I’ve been doing really well here, this is a great school.”
I sounded like a god damn poster ad for Woodcrest. We passed the rest of the ride in relative silence, mom pointing out landmarks every once in a while, my dad commenting on hotspots they wanted to visit tomorrow. They had an entire day planned without me. Thank god. Finally, my dad turned into Weir’s, which was arguably the most expensive steakhouse in town. That wasn’t saying much, Woodcrest wasn’t exactly upscale, it never had been.
As we pulled into the parking lot I gulped a bit seeing Tiffany’s blue Mercury Milan parked up front, was she here? Of course she was here, that was her car. Jesus, I hoped she didn’t talk to me or anything, how would I explain that to my parents? Why was I even worrying about explaining it to my parents? It wasn’t like they knew who Tiffany was, or anything about GAT.
We stepped inside the restaurant, my dad asked for a table for three and we were summarily led deeper into the restaurant. Stepping beneath dim, stained-glass covered lights, I spotted Tiffany sitting with her own parents off in the distance. I don’t think she noticed me but it was unsettling that she was here nonetheless. Even more unsettling was that she’d apparently ignored Aleah’s text, just like me. As we were led to our table by an over-enthusiastic server, I felt my phone buzz again in my front pocket. Aleah was really in a mood, wasn’t she?
“Wow, would look at all these options?” Dad stared at the menu, his eyes lit up like a ten year old child in a department store just before Christmas.
“Can I start you off with something to drink?” The waitress asked, still looking at us with that same enthusiastic expression even though the restaurant was packed.
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “I’ll um…I’ll have a water.”
“Oh nonsense,” My mother laughed. “We can afford soda you know.”
“Yeah but-“
“He’ll have a coke,” Dad shook his head. “We all know you love coke.”
Yeah, I know, they could afford coke. Not like I needed it.
“You need it,” Mom insisted. “You’re skinny as a beanpole, put some weight on!”
“I’ll take a coke as well,” My dad nodded to the waitress. “I think Jen will have the same?”
“Well son,” My dad said. “Tell us everything, how’s school going? How’s Chastity?”
“Um, well,” I swallowed. “Chastity and I…have decided to see other people.”
“Oh that’s horrible!” Mom interrupted. “Is everything okay? What happened? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“It’s uh…fine,” I nodded. “We just…we decided that we’re not right for eachother, you know? But we’re still friends.”
“Well that’s understandable,” My dad said in his ever reassuring voice. “You’re not in high school anymore, you’re in a new place, time to stretch your legs, see what else is out there.”
“Right,” I agreed. “We’re…just…checking out our options.”
“What about class? How’s dorm life? Have you made any new friends?” My mom smiled as she glanced at the menu.
“Yeah,” Tiffany said. “Have you made any new friends?”
I nearly jumped out of my seat, actually I nearly shat myself right there. I looked up, startled at Tiffany who was standing over our table, grinning.
“Jesus, Tiffany!” I practically shouted. “I’m a little busy here!”
“Oh too busy to introduce me to your parents?” She plopped down in the chair next to me. “I just met Todd this year and I have to tell you he is FASCINATING. You’re his parents?”
“Oh wow, hi, yes,” Mom nodded, smiling and offering her hand, which Tiffany shook. “And you are?”
“Uh, mom,” I gulped. “This is…Tiffany, she’s a friend of mine…”
“Oh, a new girlfriend already?” Dad teased. I turned bright red.
“No, no, no,” I said insistently, waving my hands in front of me. Tiffany raised an eyebrow and grinned. The waitress returned with our drinks and asked us if we were ready to worder.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “I’ll just...have the house salad-“
“Todd will have a the Weir Burger,” Tiffany cut me off. “Medium rare, pickles, onions, and mayo.”
Okay, so Tiffany knew what I would have liked if I were actually ordering what I wanted. What a creepy bitch.
“Look at you!” Mom smiled. “Looking out for our little boy and making sure he eats!”
“Some days, I think Todd needs a feeding tube,” Tiffany laughed.
“I’ll have the New York Strip steak,” My mom told the waitress. “Medium well, if you don’t mind.”
“And I’ll have the Porter house,” Dad nodded. “I want it rare. I want it to bleed like a newborn calf going through a paper shredder.”
“You’ve got it!” The waitress smiled, ever so cheerfully again. “We’ll get that right out to you!”
“So Todd,” Tiffany said, pointing to the phone in my pocket. “You got that right?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I got the text.”
“After you’re done here, get over there.”
“Oh?” What’s going on?” Mom asked. “Is it a school project?”
“Uh, yeah,” I nodded. “It’s a theater thing…I’m…in this production of Les Miserables, so is Tiffany. She’s playing Eponine.”
“Oh that’s amazing!” Mom said. “I loved Les Miserables when I was a child. The story of Jean Val Jean and Cosette, just amazing!”
“I tend to prefer Terminator,” My dad joked.
Tiffany silently stood from the table and made her way back to her own family on the other side of the restaurant.
“So, son,” My mom said, reaching out to take my hand. “Your father and I have something to tell you, something important. We’ve…been wanting to do this for a while, but we waited until you were out of the house and on your own, so maybe it won’t affect you as much now.”
“What?” I laughed. “Are you renting my room out as an Air B&B?”
“No son,” Dad said. “Your mom and I are getting a divorce.”
“You took your sweet time getting here,” Aleah said to me sharply as I walked through the front door of the GAT house. There were about twenty girls sitting in the living room all of them with varying levels of annoyance written on their faces. Why were we here? What was going on?
“I walked as slowly as I could,” I snapped back. She rolled her eyes and pointed to an empty chair across from Tiffany.
“Okay, now that EVERYONE is here,” She said, glaring in my direction. “Let’s get to work on our little problem.”
“Wait, what problem?” I sat down and surveyed the room, most everyone was looking at me. I was starting to get really, really worried. “What did I do?”
“It isn’t something you did,” Aleah sighed. “Okay, everyone, I’ve called this meeting because Audrey’s ex made good on her stupid threat, whatever her threat was supposed to be. The situation is this: She’s called Panhellenic and told them that we’ve been allowing a boy to live in the house.”
There was an audible gasp throughout the room, clearly it was news to many of them, and especially me.
“Don’t panic,” Lauren stood up to address all of us. “Seriously, don’t panic, it’s not going to help anyone right now. Panhellenic is sending a representative out here and they’re going to question all of us, so…all we need to do is get our story straight.”
“Wait,” I blurted out, turning bright red as everyone in the room turned to look at me. “What…what are you going to tell them? You can’t just-“
“We’re going to tell them the truth, Audrey,” Tiffany told me softly. “We’re going to tell them that we’ve been helping you with your transition, and that we’re hoping to bring you on as a pledge next year. National will love it, we’re being inclusive, we’re helping you. We’ll be fine.”
“No wait wait, wait,” I shook my head and gripped the armrests. “It’s…it’s enough that Tri Pi knows, and you guys know but…I can’t have this getting around. What if more people find out? I…I don’t want this to happen, you can’t do this.”
“Sorry, Audrey,” Aleah stood and stepped toward me. “This isn’t about you anymore, this is about the survival of our chapter. If they think we’re keeping a guy in here, they’re going to shut us down, and then what?”
“Yeah but-“
“No buts!” Courtney interrupted. “Panhellenic isn’t going to spill your secret, they’ll just come here, they’ll do an investigation, everyone will tell them the truth, and it’ll be over with. Then we can go on with our lives like nothing happened.”
“No,” I shook my head. “No, no, other people could find out, I don’t want them to know. Seriously, there has to be another way.”
“Jesus, Audrey, calm down,” Tiffany rolled her eyes. “If anything this is going to help you. If Panhellenic already knows about you and knows that we’ve been working with you, then it’ll be a lot easier for you to get in next year. A LOT easier than if you’d just appeared out of the blue. Do you want to join GAT?”
“I…I do,” I nodded. I really did. I loved the idea of being part of a sorority and as crazy as it sounded, GAT had sort of become like family to me over the last few weeks. Yeah, that did sound crazy after everything they’d done, didn’t it? “I just…I’m afraid.”
A silence fell over the room, I had nothing more to say really, and I guess they were trying to figure out what they wanted to say to me. Tiffany, laid an arm on the rest of her chair and stared at me from across the room. Aleah, looked down at her phone for a moment and then let out a sigh.
“Our Panhellenic investigator will be out here…tomorrow,” She laid the phone down on the endtable beside her chair. “I guess they want to get this over with fast. Go figure.”
“Then,” Lauren clapped her hands. “I want to make sure everyone is clear on what we’re doing. The investigator isn’t going to just talk to us as a group, she’ll separate us and try to get us to say something different. She wants to catch us in a lie. There are like, too many of us to pull off a large scale coverup, someone is going to slip up, so what you tell her is that we met Audrey a few weeks ago, she wanted help with transitioning, and we obliged.”
“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Aleah shook her head.
“We can’t really get away with this, can we?” A girl asked from the other side of the room. “I mean, you let Audrey stay here a few nights, that’s against the rules, we’re going to get found out.”
“Not if you don’t say anything,” Aleah pointed out. “We’re all here, and that’s the one thing all of us need to agree on: Audrey has never stayed the night here, Audrey has never posed a threat to the house, and we haven’t hurt Audrey in any way. Now, we need to practice, make sure we all line up, because-“
“No way,” Another girl said, standing up. “I can’t do this. This is more than just our charter, if this gets back to the dean we could all be expelled, I can’t be a part of this.”
“Then leave,” Aleah snapped. “But don’t screw it up for everyone else.”
“I’m with her,” A redhead stood up. “You’ve taken this way too far, we’re going to get hosed.”
“I’m sorry, Audrey,” A blonde girl, Erika I think, said to me. “I like you, a lot, but I’m not going to risk my education. My parents would kill me.”
“You’re all being over-dramatic,” Tiffany rolled her eyes. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“You attacked her, you tied her up, and you’ve been basically manipulating her for weeks,” Erika said. “So what if she tells them that?”
“I’d never say that!” I suddenly shouted. “Oh my god who do you think I am?! We all played a part in this! It’s my fault, it’s your fault, it’s everyone’s fault, and it’s fucking unfortunate but-“
“Audrey, calm down,” Aleah instructed me. “I have a plan, it’s going to work, we just have to stick to it.”
“I’m sorry, but no,” Erika stood and walked toward the stairs. “I’m getting my stuff, and I’m leaving. I can’t be a part of this anymore.”
“Same for me,” Another girl said, following Erika toward the stairs.
“I’m sorry,” Someone else said.
All in all, ten girls, stood and left the room, off to their own rooms to pack.
“That’s fucking unfortunate,” Tiffany muttered. “Okay, are the rest of you onboard? Great, so let’s rehearse our story.”
“I’m going home,” I sighed. “I…I need to be somewhere else, anywhere else.”
“Fine, Audrey,” Aleah said. “Just make sure you’re around if we call.”
“You know where to find me,” I walked to the door now on the verge of tears. It seemed to me that like always, I had ruined everything with my presence. My soul was sinking into a pit of despair, my legs like lead as I exited the GAT house. I was always the problem, and it would never change.
The walk back from the GAT house was nothing short of painful even if it wasn’t that far. Honestly it was like three blocks from the GAT house to the dorm, so I don’t know what I was complaining about. I walked to the elevator, remembered that it was broken and began my long trudge up the stairs. Finally clearing the 4th floor landing, I reached into my pocket to retrieve my dorm key and walked down the exposed balcony deep in thought.
What was I supposed to do exactly? GAT wanted to out me, the way they’d done to Tri Pi but this was different. This was to someone that could make an actual report and if this screwed up there was a chance it could make it into the news. Would they use my real name? Probably not, but how easy would it to be to hide from Mason? A story about a trans girl tied up in the GAT house? He would put two and two together like a child with a foam puzzle. Like…ugh, this was maddening. If I lost Mason what would I do? Who else would find out? What if my parents figured it out? I could never go home again. All these thoughts and more stampeded through my conscious mind as I shoved the key into the door and pushed it open, embracing the darkness beyond the frame. Thank god, I was home, no one could bother me here.
I slammed the door shut and made my way toward the bed, kicking one of Mason’s empty energy drinks out of the way as I prepared to slam my body against the mattress. Just as the thought finished racing through my mind, I heard the familiar click of my desk lamp switching on. Mason wasn’t here, what the fuck? The room was flooded with a dim light, meant only to cover the desk for studying, or gaming, of course. I jerked my head toward the direction of my desk, ready to break someone’s neck if I could figure out where my own backbone was. Instead of lurching forward, I literally just gasped. Sitting in my office chair with a smirk on her face was my sister, Leina.
“Well hello there,” She said rather coyly, brushing her long black hair away from her face and over her shoulder. “You mind telling me why you haven’t talked to me since you made it to campus? You know I’m only a few miles away, and I’m SURE you didn’t forget my phone number.”
“Well um,” I stammered. “I’ve…I’ve been busy…with um…class and…”
“Yeah, I bet,” She laughed, standing from the desk and walking toward me slowly until she stood maybe ten inches from my face. “Well, when you basically ghosted me, I did some poking around. I figured out you were in that play, Les Miserables, awesome by the way, I was in the drama club last year. Anyway, I talked to some of the members, maybe punched a few out, you know, things happen. Long story short, I got the WHOLE story, only had to threaten about five people. In ANY case, it seems you’ve gotten yourself into some shit, little brother. Or should I say…little sister?”