Hidden Intent Part 1
I did not have what they call a happy childhood. My father was a drunkard and a bully and I grew up spending a lot of time hiding in, or sometimes under, my bed. He was a road-worker and played as hard as he worked, leaving my mother and me to scrape along as best we could.
It wasn’t that I was not reasonably well dressed for school or even had the experience of going hungry. It was just the charged atmosphere when he was home that was wearing. As I got older he got more overbearing and used to hit my mother at the slightest excuse. There was no way I could try to defend her as I did not grow into the strapping young man he wanted, much to my shame and his disgust.
I did pretty well at school, especially in maths, English and the sciences. I was good at Physics and biology and held the dream of becoming a vet when I graduated. I kept a small zoo at home, a couple of mice, a couple of cats and I used to help out at the local stables. On the sporting side I was not big enough for the contact sports but was a good runner and did some lessons with the girls doing gymnastics as a good way to keep supple. It was my last year at school when things got worse.
My father started calling me Christabel, not Christopher or even Chris. He meant it as a constant insult to highlight my slight, but lean, frame and my long runner’s legs that had taken me to several podiums over the last couple of years. He had no regard for my protestations or even to my mother trying to put him right. I asked her to stop when he hit her one time she asked him to use my proper name.
As my final term at High School came to a close and all the exams had been completed, I decided that I needed to leave home as soon as I could. I had been saving up all of my prize money and any payments from odd jobs and I went to an op-shop to buy a few cheap tee shirts and jeans. Unfortunately the only jeans they had that fitted me were for girls but I managed to get a couple of pairs that were not too colourful. I got a good back-pack to put everything in and kept everything in my locker at school.
At home I started to separate all of the items I would take and made some hard decisions about the things I would leave. I let my mother know what I was planning and she told me that she had been putting money aside for me and told me where she was hiding it. She told me that she would leave as well and go to her sister across the other side of the country when she did, but she knew that her sister would not have room for me. On that day we held each other close and cried tears of regret for the situation we were in.
It was on the third day of my post-school days when I came home late in the evening after going some miles away to see about a job with a vet. When I walked in the house was quiet and I could hear my father snoring, so I went to bed wondering what was going on. I though he must have sunk more than a few to be sleeping so early. In the morning he crashed open my bedroom door and commanded me to get my arse out of bed and down to the kitchen to fix his breakfast. I was really scared and wondered if my mother had left without telling me.
I did manage to put something on the table to please him and, before he left for work, he ordered that I was to tidy up in the house and to make sure that there was something on the table for him when he got home. He then said that my mother had left for good and that I would be taking her place. He commented that it was a good job I didn’t have to go to school any more. When he left I carefully tidied up the kitchen and waited until I was sure he would not be back. I then had a good look around.
In their bedroom I discovered a partially filled suitcase with some of my mothers’ things in but could not see any evidence that she had left. All her cosmetics and lotions were still on the shelves and I looked in the place where she had told me that she was hiding the money and found a good-sized roll of notes. This I took back to my own room and hid it in my back-pack which was now at the back of my wardrobe. I then searched the house high and low to see where my mother may be hiding. I did tidy up as I went around to show that I had spent a productive day but only found a few dust-bunnies, no sign of my mother.
What I did find was that our garden shed now sported a brand-new padlock which resisted all of my efforts to pick. I did make a note of the number on the lock to see if I could get a key to suit another day. I had to get back into the kitchen to prepare something for him to eat when he got back from the pub. I was not looking forward to him getting home and, when he did, my fears were proven right.
He ate his dinner with gusto and told me that I was a better cook than my mother and then he got up and came over to me, wrapping his arms around me and lifting me off my feet. With his beery breath he told me that it was a good job that I had grown up to be a little sissy and then he carried me up to his bedroom and raped me. It was no good struggling and I tried hard not to scream with the pain. As I lay on his bed with his weight still on me and his dick slowly shrinking he told me that I was now the housewife and, if I knew what was good for me, I would start to try on some of the womens clothes in the wardrobe as he would be expecting me to submit to him whenever he wanted.
He then ordered me to take my torn clothes and go to my room but to be certain that I was up at a good time in the morning for his breakfast. I could hardly breathe, let alone speak, as I left the room. I pulled on my underpants as I was starting to leak and when I got back into my own room I screamed into my pillow and spent the night crying. By morning I had thought long and hard and had decided on a plan of action. It was no good going to the authorities as he was friends with several in the police force and no-one would give me the time of day. No, I had to make sure that what I did was not able to be passed off easily.
The next day was his day off and he demanded that I go and do some shopping, giving me some money. He told me that he had arranged with a friend of his on the other side of town to supply all the things we needed. I was given a couple of big bags and told to get dressed and on the bus. This I did and, when I got to the destination, my fathers’ friend had a number of jobs that he wanted me to do and even paid me for them. When I got home, laden down with my shopping, there was a note on the kitchen table saying that he was at the pub and to wear what was on his bed when he got home.
I put everything away and had another quick look around the house, finding everything as it was yesterday. Outside, however, was a different situation. The lock was no longer on the garden shed and we had somehow acquired a new garden bed with fresh plantings already showing some colour. I sat on my haunches beside it and cried for my poor mother.
On the bed in his room he had put out a nightie with a note to make sure I used some make-up as he wanted his girlfriend to meet him at the door. I had a couple of hours to prepare myself and his meal so I sat at the dresser and tried to use some of my poor mothers’ make-up. After a few tries I thought that I had achieved something like a girls face and, when I took off all of my clothes and put on the nightie, it made the transformation nearly complete. I quickly brushed out my hair and re-arranged it to fall to one side and I saw a reasonable teenage girl looking back to me from the other side of the mirror. This fact finalised the plans I was hatching.
Finding a robe and slippers I went back downstairs and prepared his meal. When he got in he stood at the door with a look of wonder on his face before coming to me and kissing me on the lips, much to my disgust. He was too strong to resist and I even put my hand on the growth at his groin, at which point he put his tongue in my mouth and kissed me deeply. He was in a real hurry to finish his meal and pulled me up to his bedroom. I took off the robe and sat on the bed quietly while he took off all his clothes. When he was naked I could clearly see the perpetrator of the pain last night in all its glory.
He then told me that after last night he had decided that he was not gay and would only want me to suck him off and came over to the bed to pull me flat on it beside him. He cuddled and kissed me as if I was a girl and I ran my fingers up and down his body before doing the same to his shaft. Finally he got me to put my head down by his groin where I started to lick his penis. When I took him into my mouth I was almost rigid with fear of what was going to happen but my resolve held firm and I licked and sucked and brought him to a climax. He filled my mouth and I looked at him and smiled while I swallowed it all, knowing just what I had decided would be his fate.
Marianne G 2020
Hidden Intent Part 2
Next morning I was up and dressed in the nightie and robe while I got breakfast for us. My father came down with a hold-all that he used when he was sent further away on a road job. He told me that he did not expect to be back until Friday and I pretended to be upset at being left alone.
He told me that I was sounding too much like a wife and to make sure I cleaned the place properly before he came back. As he left he kissed me and I gave him a hug, smiling inside as I had almost the whole week to myself. After he left I went up to the bathroom and had a long hot shower and washed my hair, adding conditioner. After I had dried myself I put on a pair of thin gloves and went into the main bedroom and started going through my mothers’ clothes. I discovered that her older bras fitted and also that her panties fitted just fine. I picked out a small selection of both and took them to my own room.
I went back and found some socks that would suit a teenager, along with an old pair of trainers that would fit me at a pinch. None of her good shoes fitted but there was a pair of strappy sandals that I could let out to fit. I was not looking at dresses but did find a couple of her looser tops would fit and I padded the bra with stockings to make sure they did. I already had bought some skinny jeans so all I needed next was a skirt with an elasticised waistband and I had enough to see me through the daring escape from my prison.
When I went through her dresser I found some old clip-on ear-rings that she must have saved before she got married and some cheap bangles and necklaces that would not be missed. I then turned my attention to her cosmetics, rummaging around in the drawer for older items. I was able to collect some foundation, mascara, eye-liner and shadow without touching anything that she had been using recently. I also found a couple of different colours in nearly empty lipsticks. I looked among her bags and chose a larger shoulder bag that I had never seen her use and loaded all of the chosen jewellery and cosmetics into this and took it to my room. I then stripped the bed, noticing some rusty looking stains on them. I took these to the laundry and dumped them into the washing machine.
I then remade the bed and tidied up the room, making sure that I put the half-filled suitcase on top of the wardrobe. Before I did so, though, I went through it and found a train ticket across the country with an open booking. This suited me just fine and I would not have to fork out for transport myself. When the time came I would just have to get to the railway station.
I then went back to my room and stripped my own bed, also taking my bloodied sheets down to the machine. I remade the bed and put the big bag and my back-pack on it. I packed everything I would not need for my escape and tried it out for weight before putting both bags in my wardrobe. I then took the torn clothes and the underpants I had worn the night of the rape and put them into a plastic bag and took them downstairs to the kitchen door.
I then made a sandwich for lunch, washing it down with a soft drink, then dressed carefully as my new, female, self. I took a lot of care to be as presentable as possible and went out into town, taking the back ways. I needed to go to the railway station and get the times of the train I wanted to catch, the earlier in the morning, the better. Then I went to the library and spent some time in the reading area looking up some details I was not sure of.
Then I went to the coffee lounge where all the guys usually hung out. I had a note that I had written for my best friend which said that I was worried about my father and that my mother had left home. I also wrote that he was going to take me to the country for a holiday and I may not be around for a while. I had put it in an envelope with his name on the front. I gave it to the coffee lounge owner, saying that a boy from down my road had asked me to drop it off for him. The guy gave me a wink when he took it and put it behind the counter. “I will be sure to give it to him, miss. Are you Chris’ girlfriend, by chance?” I dropped my eyes and blushed when I said “no, I don’t think so, yet” in a small voice. On the way home I bought some fish and chips after stopping by the op-shop and scoring a pair of girls’ runners that fitted me.
That night I slept in the nightie and spent the next morning cleaning the house in my nightie and robe. That finished I pulled out my new collection of cosmetics and practised the application several times until I was happy with the result. When I finished I cleaned my face completely and gathered up the big wad of tissues, burning them in the range. Now I felt ready for the next part of my plan.
I went out to the garden shed and had a good rummage around until I found what I was after, taking it back into the house with my gloves on. I put it in the cupboard under the sink, made my dinner and sat there eating it with a smile slowly growing on my face. I was lucky that I had made my preparations as my father rang that night to tell me that he would be home on Thursday evening as the job had gone well. Everything was falling into place.
On Wednesday I took my mice to the back fence and let them go loose into the wild, wishing them well as they scampered off into the underbrush. Leaving my cats was going to be a wrench but it just had to happen. I made sure that I gave then a lot of time for a couple of days. I went back over my plan to make sure that everything was in place. I needed to be gone from the area in total anonymity, travelling as a teenage girl would be interesting but I had to disappear.
Thursday I double checked my packing, thinking about everything I would need as a travelling girl. There were a few things that came to mind that I added. I also experimented with different things to pad out my breasts without it looking stupid. On Thursday afternoon I changed into the nightie and robe, did my make-up and hair and thought that I looked very pretty. I then went into the kitchen and put together a hearty stew for my hard-working father.
It was bubbling away on the range when he got home. He came in and kissed me deeply, telling me that it was time he was relieved as he had gone too long without me. We went up to the bedroom and I gave him the best oral sex that I could, he did deserve it, didn’t he? When he came back down in a tee-shirt and trackies I sat him at the kitchen table and served him with his stew. I ate a small salad myself as he tucked in, I had added some herbs and spices and he commented on how tasty it was.
I made him a big mug of tea and got myself a cold drink, sitting there and watching as he started to look distracted, then angry as he demanded to know what crap I had fed him. I got up and went to the sink, resting my back against it I looked him in the eyes and told him that it was something my mother would have given him if she had gathered up enough nerve. He went to stand and grab me but didn’t make it to the vertical as great spasms rocked his body and he knocked the table over when he fell to the floor, juddering uncontrollably. I watched, unmoving, as the spasms increased until there was just one, big, last judder and he was still with a smell of shit starting to waft up from his trousers.
With my gloves on I took the jar of rat poison out of the cupboard and put a spoon in it before dropping it on the floor as if it had been on the table. I then made sure that every sign that I had been in the room was cleared, washing my own plate and putting it away. The utensils in the sink that I had worn gloves to use would show traces of the rat poison and it would look like he had prepared it himself. I then went to my room and retrieved a page of notepaper that I had spent a lot of time working on. It was a last note in my fathers’ writing that said “I have done something so terrible I cannot go on. She is in the garden, the boy I took a long way away.” This I dropped on the floor as well, along with the pen I had used.
That done I now had to do something so terrible that no-one would believe that I could do it. I took some pre-prepared cat food that was laced with rat poison and put it down for them to eat in the morning. I then double checked that everything I had touched was put away and that it all looked like he had committed suicide.
I put the bag of my bloody clothes out by the rubbish bin; I knew that the police could match my stains with a sample that the running club had taken. The semen would match his and the link would be there for all to see. I then went to bed with the alarm set for a very early start. Surprisingly, I slept well.
In the morning I had a good shower and dressed carefully as a girl would. I had a colourful top and my skinny jeans with socks and sneakers. I put my hair into a high pony-tail and took a lot of care over my make-up. With my mothers’ old all-weather coat on I took my bags down to the kitchen door. My father had not moved, for which I was grateful. I opened the door to let the cats in and almost burst into tears as I said goodbye to them, picked up the bags and left my home for good, pulling the door closed as I left in the early morning gloom. Silently wishing my mother ‘good morning and goodbye’ as I passed her grave.
Marianne G 2020
Hidden Intent Part 3
I kept to the shadows as I walked to the station, feeling the strangeness of the breasts with the tightness of the bra. I had the back-pack on and the shoulder bag on my shoulder and did start to feel as if I was walking into a new future.
The only problem would be that I had no identity now and all my schooling had been for nothing. I had no idea of what I would do but, as I was now a murderer, I had better not muck it up. When I got to the station I had my breakfast while waiting for the early train. I started to relax as we pulled away from the station. Everyone that I had spoken to at the station had been kind and cheerful and the porter even carried my back-pack onto the train for me. We travelled for some time, lunch came around on a trolley, and we finally reached a warmer southern clime. It was early evening when I walked out of the station with absolutely no idea of where I should go.
A block away from the station I noticed a poster that was advertising a visiting circus, with it being one of those newer ones that had less animals and more human input. I asked waiter at a café I passed how to get to where it was playing and he gave me directions. It wasn’t all that far and I wandered around the site looking for somewhere I could hide for the night. I saw a penned off area with a pile of straw bales in it and thought that it would be a good place for me as it was far enough away from everything and they would only need more straw in the morning. I hid my bags in the bales and went to find the toilets before going back and burrowing in. I went off into a deep sleep almost immediately.
What woke me was a steady sound of a cat purring and I wondered if it was all a dream and when I opened my eyes I would be back in my bed with one of my cats cuddled up to me. I did feel the heat and weight of something alongside me and when I opened my eyes I was looking at the most beautiful cat I had ever seen. The only problem was that it was at least five times bigger than any cat I had ever seen outside a picture book. I stroked it and it purred louder so I spoke to it quietly and it opened its mouth so that it could give me a lick. When I saw its teeth I knew I was in trouble, especially if momma tiger was around as well.
I laid there and played with it, being as gentle as I could and hoping that it would reciprocate. It was the most amazing experience that a cat lover could have. It was doubled as the warmth on the other side of be turned out not to be my back-pack but another tiger cub. As the sun came up we became firm friends and I was in seventh heaven. The peace was shattered when a guy came to the fence and asked if I was crazy.
When I said that I didn’t think so, he passed me two big feeding bottles and said that I could at least feed them while I was there. I sat with the cubs and fed them both and when they had finished I looked up to see a small crowd watching. A tall lady told me to pick up my bags and slowly make my way to the gate and they would get me out. This I did and the lady escorted me to her caravan with a stop on the way so I could go to the toilet and wash my hands.
In her caravan she made me some breakfast and a hot drink and asked me how I came to be sleeping with her tiger cubs. I explained that I was on the run from an abusive father who had anally raped me a week before and that the pile of straw had been very inviting. She commented on how good I was with the cubs and I told her that I had a couple of cats at home before I left. She told me that the cubs had been rejected by their mother who had been sent away to a zoo. The circus was mostly human acts but they did have horses still. I told her that I had worked in a stable for a while and, after we had finished eating, she took me to where the horses were tethered. I, naturally, said hello to every one of them and gave them a few strokes as they nuzzled me. She said that I was a natural and asked if I had ever ridden bareback.
I told her that it was frowned on at the stables but that I had tried it a couple of times. She picked out one of the smallest horses and told me to lead it to the circus tent. On the way she banged on the door of a caravan and told the occupant, Jenny, to get over to the tent as soon as she could. When we got into the main tent I saw that there was the usual circus ring with a trapeze rig over it. We waited for Jenny while I spoke quietly to the horse. When Jenny arrived the lady told me that I was to get up on the horse and canter around the ring in an anti-clockwise direction. I took off the bridle rope and gave it to Jenny and pulled my body up onto the horse and we were of at a canter. I was sure the horse knew more than I did at this stage.
I held lightly onto the mane and, at about the third circuit, I heard a call to sit up with my arms out to the side. This I did and we did a few more circuits this way. It was really exciting and I was having a lot of fun. Then I heard her call for me to stand up. It took a couple more circuits before I was able to stand on the horse’s back and that was a totally new experience. We did a few more circuits and then I heard her ask me to do the swan pose. Now this was something I would never have expected to try but, by the second circuit, I was circulating on the back of the horse, on one leg with a bent forward pose, my arms out like wings and my trailing leg level with the ground. My years of gymnastics were paying off.
She called for me to stop and I came down to a sitting position before bringing the horse to a stop beside them. When I slid to the ground, Jenny rushed to me and gave me a big hug, telling me that I was fantastic. That was something I could take any day. She then took the horse back to its corral while the lady led me to a big caravan and knocked on the door. It opened with a jolly looking gentleman asking her what she wanted. She told him that he needed to talk to me and, when he sat us in his caravan, she told him of my antics of the day so far, from sleeping with the tiger cubs to doing almost a full act straight out of the box.
He asked me why I was there and I gave him the same story, I was escaping from an abusive father. He said that, to paraphrase, whatever happened before the circus had never happened and that I had a job if I wanted it. I agreed immediately and he told the lady to arrange my accommodation and to get the circus doctor to examine me. When I looked a bit worried at that he told me that I was not the first she-male he had seen and that it didn’t matter if I did my job. We went back and picked up my bags and I was billeted with Jenny in her caravan. I was quickly taken to another one where a kindly gentleman got me to strip completely while he examined me.
He gave me a shot of pain-killer in my butt and got me to hang on to the table side while he sewed my rectum up, saying that I was lucky that it wasn’t worse as I would have needed a hospital then. Otherwise, he declared me a very fit and healthy person. I had to sit a while as the stitches needed to be rested and we had a cuppa and chatted. I found out that my new employers were Stephano and Melissa Frangopoulos. The lady who had taken me under her wing was Evangeline, the eldest daughter. There was another daughter I had yet to meet, Elliana, who did the books and kept all the employee records. The circus had the horse act and the rest was trapeze, magic acts and various gymnastic acts with ropes and ribbons. Before I left him he gave me a box of pills that I was to take every day if I wanted to remain a girl.
I found Jenny waiting for me to set me to work. We had the horses to look after and groom and then there was the cubs to see to. Jenny was amazed how easily I bonded with the cubs and was even able to play with them. I knew that it would be a few more months and they would need to be sent to a zoo but the cat lover in me revelled in the experience. Evangeline watched us and told me that my first outing in the big top would be to lead the cubs around on leads and to interact with the customers. I was fitted out with an animal print leotard with a tutu and a pair of ballet flats. Jenny made me up and put my hair up with ribbons.
When the circus opened that evening I was standing by the entrance with a couple of boisterous cubs on leads. They loved the attention and I tried to get them into a position where photos could be taken of the more adventurous children in close proximity. At the finale of the show I joined the whole troupe in a grand parade. Everyone said that it was a hit and that I had a real future with them. That was the last night at that town and we upped sticks the next morning to go to the next site, to open a few days hence.
When we had set up I was almost part of the family and was now Tanya with her Tigers. Jenny had organised better breast forms and some casual clothes for me and I was also taking lessons from her and the horses to see if we could put on a dual riding act but it was very hard trying to get everything in sync.
Marianne G 2020
Hidden Intent Part 4
As we moved from town to town I settled into my life as a girl. My injuries had healed and Jenny had been teaching me the finer points of girl-dom. The tigers had become very friendly with everyone and their previous minder was happy to leave me to look after them.
Every morning after I fed them I now took them for a walk so they could smell out the surroundings for themselves. This became a drawcard for the circus as it became normal for the local paper to send out a photographer and a couple of dignitaries for a photo shoot. I did have to make sure that they understood that these were not kittens but wild animals that could, if provoked, bite your arm off, especially as they grew bigger.
Jenny and I had been getting better and better and the day came when the bosses were invited to watch us in a full dress display to see if they wanted to add it to the show. Jenny had been putting on a display of trick riding and we had developed it so that she did her solo show and I came into the ring when she was opposite the entrance. We then repeated her show in unison, finishing off with the swan position for a couple of circuits before standing on the horses and bowing to the audience.
We both had a cowgirl outfit with tassels and soft soled boots that gripped well but looked good. The whole circus gathered in the stand and she came out to do her show, which she had jazzed up a bit from the usual display. I joined her on cue and we circulated like clockwork with each section getting more complicated. We did end with the swan and then did two circuits waving at the audience before nudging the horses to exit the ring. Outside we quickly dismounted, tethered the animals after giving them a pat, and went back into the tent where the audience was very appreciative.
Stephano and Melissa were very enthusiastic about our performance and it was decided that we would do it for the public that very night. I needed to have a costume change after parading with the cubs and we thought that the two of us could have our western gear on for the finale as we led the cubs. Jenny had been accepted by them as a friend and she had overcome any fear she originally had with them. The two acts went over well and I was reclassed as an artiste and started to get some more wages.
One good thing about all of this was that my identity was now becoming firm as Tanya Blackwood, Jenny’s’ cousin, and the bosses called on their contacts to get me a new set of paperwork in that name. I was told that I was not the first to run away to a circus to hide and was just one in a long line. All this time I had not left the confines of the venue but now, feeling daring, Jenny and I had an afternoon off when we were at a larger town, having lunch at a mall and catching a picture before going back to the circus to get ready for the evening performance.
By the end of the summer we had become a staple part of the show, now listed as the ‘Bareback Beauties – The Blackwood Sisters from Deadwood.’ The tigers were now too big to be chanced with the general public and we had to do a deal with a good zoo to take them as they were no longer on a bottle and we could not keep up with the meat they were demanding. I was sad to see them go but when I delivered them to the zoo and saw the big area they would be living in I just had to let them loose with a tear in my eye. They had been the catalyst that had allowed me to stay with the circus and also stay in hiding, if you call performing in front of hundreds of people being in hiding.
The circus now headed to the wintering quarters and I stayed with Jenny in her caravan when she went to her home town. She had an apartment with a parking space so we settled into living with her inside and me in the van. Over the next few months I took driving lessons and got my license. I had earned enough to live on over winter and the circus had paid all of us artistes a bonus based on the profits of the season. All in all, I was happy being Tanya. When Jenny and I went into town we often got hit on and I became adept at the refusal of further antics but did give head a few times. Neither of us had boyfriends, as such, but there were a couple of guys who took us out more than once.
One day I asked her if she would like to take a trip so that I could do some research. She agreed and we packed for a week or two and drove to my old home town. I felt that I had to know how safe I was and also felt that if I was a wanted person, I had become settled enough in my own mind to wear the consequences if I got caught. We stayed at a motel when we got there and, in the morning, we went into town and the library. I pulled the papers from the time I left and we read the pages together. I had told her that I was less than honest with everyone at the circus and that there could be something on those pages that may turn her against me.
I started from the day I left and it was a good week or more before someone was worried enough to look at the house to see if we were all right. The first article was of my father being found in the kitchen in a state of putrefaction, along with the bodies of two cats. Police had stated that there was evidence of suicide and a note was being investigated. Two days later the headline was about my mother being dug up in the garden bed with an estimate that she had been dead for some weeks before being found. Police did say that I was being looked for but that interviews with my school-friends highlighted that I would never have killed the cats and that, as far as they were concerned, I was probably dead as I had disclosed how worried I had been before never being seen again. The next day the paper had an article about my torn and bloody clothes being found and it was thought that my fate had been the same as my mother, however, my body had not been found.
Jenny read all of this and turned to me and hugged me closely, whispering that I had been lucky to leave when I did as I may have actually been killed as well. A few days further on there was a big article about me giving all of my accomplishments at school and on the running track with some very nice comments from those that knew the younger me. That Sunday they had held a memorial service for my mother and me, my father being buried by his family in his home town. My mother had been buried in a proper grave and I decided that I would put some flowers on it as my final farewell.
We put the papers back in the stacks and went to get a drink in the old coffee lounge. I had a couple of awkward moments when an old school chum tried to chat us up but we told him that we were only passing through. Then we bought a small wreath and drove to the cemetery where we found the grave. I stood for a few moments and laid the flowers in front of the headstone. It was then I saw a small plaque to one side dedicated to me with an unknown death date. I was a bit giddy for a moment and Jenny had to hold me upright. When we left she commented that it must have been weird for me to be standing in front of my own grave and it was lucky for everyone that my father had done ‘the right thing’ in the end.
We spent a couple of days in the area with me pointing out a few places which held some significance for me. We did not go anywhere near the house. I expected that it had been cleared with everything sold off to go into my parents’ estate. Without me being found I expected that my cousins would share it in six or seven years. On the drive back Jenny opened up with how well I had been perceived when I was a boy. She said that she felt that I may have been good husband material if all of the ‘bad things’ had not happened. I could see that even though I was sitting beside her, the articles in the paper were all the truth she needed to know. She thanked me for allowing her to see the facts and that, as Tanya, I was a very special person.
When the weather improved, we went to the wintering site and set up the caravan. We had a chat with the family and made our re-acquaintance with the horses. They knew that their time in the spotlight was about to return and were obviously happy to see us. For the next couple of weeks we rehearsed our act and refined a few points. Evangeline came up to us one day and told us that she had been called by a zoo that had heard of our time with the tiger cubs and wanted us to go and see them about a couple of little ones they had. It seemed that the zoo where the cubs now lived were vocal in their praise as the two were very good at interacting with the public while being very friendly with the staff and it was thought that the time they spent with us had given them a good start in life.
We went off to the zoo and were warmly welcomed. When we saw the ones they wanted us to take we were shocked as these two were a pair of two-week old male lions whose mother had died not long after giving birth. I was introduced to them first and spent some time with them, playing and feeding them. When I felt they were happy with me we brought Jenny in and the two of us bonded with them. We went back every morning for a week and we finally brought them back to the circus. We would be their home for the summer and it was a surreal experience to look after them. The rest of the circus gave us a wide berth when we were out with them on leads.
It wasn’t long before we all set off to the start point of our summer tour, another year in the public gaze beckoned.
Marianne G 2020
Hidden Intent Part 5
That summer will stay with me for ever. We had the two lions to look after and show to the public and the horses seemed to know exactly what they should be doing. The act was a real hit and Jenny and I were interviewed and photographed at almost every place we stopped.
It was odd that there were always a few guys hanging around after the show, asking about the act, the lions and us. A couple of times Jenny gave me the nod that she would be entertaining in the van so I stayed away until she would come back out to get me, often looking very flushed. Sometimes I offered to have a cuddle with a boy and, when I pointed out that the straw bales in the lion enclosure would be comfortable they seemed to cool off quickly. The few that didn’t cool off were good value as I learned a lot about kissing and petting and even more about making a man happy without needing to give myself to him. Tanya the Lion Tamer was fast learning to be Tanya the Man Eater.
The show was doing very well and our act was the highlight of the evening. I did spend a fair bit of time watching the other acts and started to join the tumblers in their daily work-outs. At first they were a bit stand-offish but as I came up to their standards with my gymnastics they got pretty friendly. Of course, the trapeze artistes had to ask if I could swing on a bar and so I started to learn what the trapeze was all about. I was very much at home with the whole group and they seemed at home with me.
My skills were noted carefully and when one of the tumblers fell ill, I was a stand-in for a week or more, being thrown around the ring wearing a frilly dress with bloomers. Another time I did a couple of nights on the trapeze, being caught in mid-air is a real adrenalin rush, I can tell you! Our summer with the lions was another hit with the audience as they came in and there were a lot of photos taken.
Towards the end of the season I went to see the circus doctor as I needed some more of his pills. By now my skin was smooth and my body shape screamed ‘girl’. I asked him about what I would need to do to get a full transition as I was so much happier as Tanya and could never contemplate going back to being Chris. He explained the procedures needed and then said that he would talk to the boss and get back to me. A few days later I was summoned to see Stephano and Melissa in their caravan. They told me that the easiest way for me to get my transition would be to have it done in Thailand as there would be too much red tape to jump through here. They said that I had a great future with the circus and that they had started to worry that I would get better offers to join a bigger outfit.
I told them that they were like my family now and that I would never leave. Melissa reminded me never to say never as we do not know what may be around the corner. They offered to pay for my transition over the winter period if I would sign a five year contract with them. All I needed to do would be to get a passport which they said should not be a problem with how good my paperwork was. I could then forego my bonus each year until I had paid them back. I was happy with this and it was all arranged.
I fretted until my passport came in the post to the wintering quarters as my home address and when we finished the year we took the lions back to their home, much more grown up and a lot bigger, but with a good nature unless provoked. The zoo was very pleased with us and Jenny and I were made lifetime friends of the zoo and invited to visit anytime. After we did our last show I gave her a hug as she headed to her home. I went with the rest of the circus to the wintering site to put the horses into their quarters and then I was off, by cheap airlines, to Thailand and my third life as an almost complete woman.
It was a strange experience to give myself up to the surgeons to do what they wanted with my body but, after the pain and discomfort, it all seemed worth it several weeks later. It was odd not being able to take my breasts of and even odder to be sliding a plastic tube into me several times a day. That part of it became less of a chore as my body started to react to the new feelings. When I was released from the hospital I spent a week in a hotel that I was told catered for new women like me. It certainly catered for us well, having every shop a new girl could desire. I treated myself to a couple of designer outfits and several pairs of shoes that were so cheap they just had to be knock-offs. I did not stint on getting good lingerie and I spent a whole day in a spa while getting totally pampered. When I got back to the airport I looked so good the ticketing guy bumped me up to business class the whole trip home.
By the time we finally landed I was in first name friendship with a couple of very well-to-do and eligible young men, Lachlan and Gerry, returning from a business trip. I gave them a card I had from the circus and told them to come up and see me sometime. They both gave me their business cards and Lachlan (call me Lockie) even wrote a very private number on it. I gave both of them a kiss before we disembarked. When I walked out of customs I saw Jenny waiting for me. Oddly, the two guys were right behind me and I introduced Jenny to them. I saw straight away that Gerry was smitten by the glazed look in his eyes so I told Jenny that I had their business cards and that they would be coming to see the act sometime during the summer. My ‘private number’ friend gave me a hug before we left and kissed me on the lips, saying that he will be coming to see us as soon as he could. The other one gave Jenny a hug and, when he saw his friend kissing me he kissed Jenny, who put her arms round his neck to prolong it.
On the way to the winter quarters she told me that if I had been pretty before, I was an absolute knock-out now. I told her that I was going to have to work twice as hard now to do all the tricks with my new body, especially with the added weight of my new breasts. She promised me that she would give me tips on the use of sports bras. When we arrived I was inspected by all and sundry and declared to be the ‘new and improved’ model. Jenny helped me go through my work-outs to get used to my new shape and then, when I was able to move easily, we got the horses out and started working on the act.
It took some days before we started getting happy about it. We had decided that we would go straight into the duo act and stretch it out a bit and when Evangeline saw us do it in costume she was impressed enough to approve it for the show. This actually gave a little more time for other acts and she had picked up a fire-eating act to add to the mix. The guy was totally gay but built like Adonis, a complete waste of manhood as far as we were concerned. While we were still in training the two of us acted as his assistants while he rehearsed and it was decided that we would both need to do fire-prevention training and to be his assistants in the show. We needed to get a new outfit to match the act and we both ended up with a strapless long sheath with a flame pattern. Once we had mastered the act with him we put it on for the rest of the circus and we were added to the show, with our horse act near the beginning and the fire-eating towards the end so that we would be doing the finale parade dressed to the nines.
When we started the season and set out for the first venue, Jenny was driving her SUV with the caravan and I followed with the second-hand Cruiser I had bought with the horse float on the back. As we travelled I thought back on all the things I had dreamed of becoming when I was at school and being a woman driving to a circus venue with a few horses in a float had never been part of those dreams. I had to giggle at the thought of trying to learn to be a vet and do it as a guy. I was having far too much fun now as a girl – which brought my thoughts to Lockie and I had a very strange feeling of wetness in my crotch the more I considered him and me in an extension of that kiss at the airport.
The first venue was a small country town and we went well with reasonable crowds. We zig-zagged across the south few a few weeks before getting close to the city and, when we opened there on the first night, we saw that Gerry and Lockie were in the audience. We did the horse act and, while doing the final circuit waving to the crowd we both blew them kisses as we passed. They, along with a few others in the stands, were giving us a standing ovation, something every artiste loves. As usual, we put the horses away before getting changed. We both took extra care getting ready for our second act. I think that Jenny had started to feel that Gerry may be the one but it is difficult to imagine after just one kiss.
When we walked out with our Adonis I looked up in the stands and saw the two of them with their mouths open. The act went down well and then we waited to the finale parade where we did our circuit on either side of our Adonis waving to the audience and blowing a few kisses, especially when we passed the boys. It had worked out well with the way we had spaced the acts as we could finish the show without needing to settle the horses so when we emerged in our evening dresses and found the boys waiting for us we could just follow our instincts. Jenny, as I had found out last season, had a very well-honed instinct for sexual satisfaction and she had told me to find somewhere secluded tonight.
Marianne G 2020
Hidden Intent Part 6
She walked straight up to Gerry and flung her arms around his neck and gave him a long kiss which he quickly responded to by the way his stance changed. She almost dragged him off to the caravan. I would have said that she led him by his nose but I don’t think that it was his nose that she was thinking of. I just stood next to Lockie and we watched it all happen.
He then turned to me and said that it was the first time he had seen Gerry so smitten with a girl and that she was all he had talked about in the weeks since we had last met. He said he hoped that Gerry was not going to be let down and I looked at him and told him that I thought that being let down would be the last thing that would happen.
He then held me close and kissed me, asking if I was likely to let him down, to which I replied that as I did not have my own caravan, it would be difficult not to, unless he was an outdoors type. He said he did like the country life and I led him to the horse box which had been cleaned out earlier in the day and had new straw on the floor. Saying that I did not want to mess up my dress I got him to unzip me and I slid it off, folding it over one of the rails along the side of the box. It didn’t take long for my underwear and all of his clothes to join it and I had my very first true intercourse with a man. He asked if he needed to wear protection and I said that I was taking pills so we settled into a long session of petting before we ended up rutting like a couple of wild animals.
When we had cooled down we kissed as true lovers do and he told me that he had fallen in love with me on the plane back from Thailand. I said that I had a lot of thoughts about him since then and that tonight had shown me that he was too wonderful for words. We finally stood up and giggled as we brushed each other off, he having to extract some straw from my bum crack. We dressed and then made our way to the caravan where the light was on and the door unlocked. Gerry and Jenny were inside her half still and both snoring quietly. I pulled the door shut, put out the light and pulled Lockie into my half of the van where we undressed and made much slower and quieter love before we fell asleep.
In the morning I loaned him a robe and we both went off to the ablution block. The others met us as we were heading back, Gerry looking very spiffy in one of Jenny’s robes. Back at the caravan we met outside once everyone had dressed and we went to the meals tent where the usual fried breakfast was already hot and ready to serve. We sat at a table and ate with gusto. I think both of the boys needed to regain some energy after last night.
We were sitting and chatting when Melissa came over to us and asked to be introduced. We introduced the boys and, when asked about what they did for a living, I found out that they both were involved with a family-owned importer of wines, spirits and gourmet foodstuffs. When I had met them they were on the way home from a business trip to Asia to organise some new products. It turned out that they knew producers who lived in the same area where Stephano and Melissa grew up and there was a pleasant chat about various points of interest and shared acquaintances. Gerry said that he was due in that area next week and would look up Melissa’s relations and say hello for her.
Jenny and I had to sort out the horses and the boys helped us. They then watched as we went through the act before we rehearsed with our Adonis. He got on quite well with the boys and they were much relieved when they realised that he had no interest in us girls. After lunch the trapeze guys asked me if I could stand in for their flier as she needed to be in the nearby town for a doctors’ visit, having a bad corn that our own circus doctor did not have the facilities to treat. When I had finished the act, Lockie held me close and told me that he was glad I did not do it in the actual performance as he nearly died every time I was in flight.
They stayed for the evening meal and then watched the show again before helping settle the horses and also settling us before they left to head home, both needing to be at a family meeting in the morning. Jenny and I chatted after they had gone, with both of us wondering what we were heading into with them. I knew that with my five year contract I could not leave the circus but Jenny was a free agent. We did the Sunday show and Monday we were off again to another town to do it all again.
The following Saturday the boys turned up after lunch, Gerry bringing some items that Melissa’s relatives had given him. He told her that they would be happy to put us all up if we wanted to bring the circus to their area in the winter. It would be too costly for just one venue and he promised to look for a few more if the bosses were interested. By the look on her face I could see the cogs turning in Melissas’ head and wondered if we would all be getting a winter season in a warm climate this year.
That is the way it worked out. The boys came to the show every Saturday we were near enough for them, staying overnight with us. We were told, near the end of our summer season, that there was an opportunity for a six-week season under a Tuscan sun if we wanted and we took the whole circus overseas between our last show here and Christmas. It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed the sun and the lifestyle. Jenny announced that she was pregnant and that she would be marrying Gerry in the New Year so it looked like I would be doing the horse act by myself next summer.
The wedding was a glamorous affair in church with me as the bridesmaid and Lockie as best man. I finally got to meet all of his family and I think that I made an impact with them, especially with his mother, who latched on to me and grilled me for an hour before starting to call me daughter. Lockie wanted to get married but I told him that I was contracted so we would need to talk to Stephano. We finally worked it out that he could keep his apartment in the city but come and stay with me in the caravan, which I had bought from Jenny, on the weekends. With my bonus and the extra six weeks overseas, I had paid back more than half of the debt and Stephano said that if I just took a subsistence wage next summer I would clear it all.
So I married Locky in early spring and it was another classy affair with Jenny showing a baby bump in her bridesmaids dress. We had a couple of weeks back in a sunny climate before I needed to get back and perfect my solo horse act and train up another girl to help with the fire-eating act. One of the other acts would tow the horses while I towed the caravan. I looked forward to the weekends that summer like I had never looked forward to anything before and we always made up for the days we had been apart. He got quite involved with the circus life as well, helping with the horses and also organising another overseas trip for autumn.
We looked for, and found, a couple of girls who would take over from me on the horse act. I spent a lot of time training them towards the end of summer and they took over the act for the overseas season, with the boss giving his approval while we were there. As part of my repayment I sold the Cruiser and the caravan to the circus for these girls to use and I packed a couple of bags with my things, went around and kissed everyone before Locky and I went off to spend another couple of weeks on our own before going home to our apartment in the city.
Back home again I needed to find something to do and that was solved by my mother-in-law. She had decided that I would be perfect to work in the family business as a public relations officer, having picked up a lot about what we did with my time with Locky so far. She also deemed me good looking enough to feature on the advertising brochures as well. I was given a company car and a list of all of our customers with the aim that I visited everyone to sort out any problems they had. Of course, it turned into a company representative sort of job and I was pretty good in turning a discussion into orders so everyone was happy.
It did mean that I would have to spend the odd night away but Locky still needed to do his business trips as well. After a couple of years of this the family started to ask why I had not reproduced and I had to tell them that, due to problems in my childhood, I was unable to carry. The family then started to look around for a suitable male child that we could adopt and, when one was found and approved by the two of us, we were given the run of the family mansion where we could have a live-in nanny for a few years. I insisted that we adopt a girl as well so that they could grow up together and that’s how it worked out.
The mansion already had stables so I was able to get a couple of horses so that the children could learn to ride from an early age. Who knows, they may get to ride bare-back, like their mother, but they would never need to hide themselves away in tents.
The End
I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.
I thank all those who have read my stories and have offered kind words or advice.
I will be taking some time now to see if I have more stories in me and hope to greet you with something in 2021.
Marianne G 2020