It was a shop day, so I had to bring my smiles, despite everything that had happened. My Dahon folder had caused a few comments when I had boarded the train at Croydon, and once again at Clapham Junction, but that was par for the course. It was still far more convenient than the bus ride into Barnes. Asa I was also covering duty manager that day, I had had to brave the full-on commuter rush into London, and once again I was grateful that the second trip was against the flow and the train a lot emptier.

I stopped at the ‘Express’ to pick up something nice for lunch, then rode the last few hundred yards into work. Keep that smile head on, Tilly; nobody else needed to know anything else. Shut the gate, lock up the little-wheeler and pull off the jacket and lid.

I ran through the security checks after disabling the alarms, then set up the tills and their floats. Something else… Oh. Yes. I was just updating the ‘recently seen’ board when the others started to arrive.

“Morning, Tilly. Kettle on?”

“Bugger off, Jess! Still setting up for the day. That said, you know where it is and I am certain you know how it works”

“White without, then?”

“Yup. Sweet enough, me”

“Anyone else? Yes, John, I do mean you. White without? Oh, and…. Ta da!”

She reached into her rucksack and pulled out a cardboard box with a very familiar logo.

“Not Tunnock’s, but close enough, and yes, I have taste-tested them. You being tilly first today, Tilly?”

I sighed.

“Will you ever get tired of that one, Jess?”

She shrugged, and to my surprise John held up his hand. I nodded, which seemed the thing, and he smiled.

“I will see if I can find or create a joke relating to falconry, Tilly”

“Eh?”

“Jesses. Straps tied to a falcon’s feet for keeping the bird on the glove”

Jess herself frowned slightly, then grinned once more.

“You do that, John. Off to start the brews. Oh, and there are already people sitting at the bus stop. Looks like we are going to be busy today, can’t think why”

John had his hand up again.

“I think it is because of the Kentish plover and the purple heron both being here at the same time. I have two groups to guide this morning, at nine thirty and then at eleven”

“Sounds a little tight. What about lunch?”

“I have sandwiches”

I drew a slow breath. John was a lovely man, but his odd focus on things left him occasionally forgetting more basic stuff, such as daily life. He was still an awful lot better than when he had first started, when the only time I had been able to engage with him in any meaningful way had been if we were discussing birds. I made a quick decision, grabbing the pad.

“You will do yourself some permanent damage if you carry on like that. Here’s a café voucher: get a hot meal between groups. Please”

He seemed reluctant to take it, so I slipped it into the top pocket of his gilet. As I did so, my phone tinged to let me know I had a text.

“Scuse me. From my hubby”

As usual with Nick, it was short and to the point.

He’s awake. Will be discharged to psych today PM. I’ll cover

As I sighed, I caught John staring at me.

“Nothing to worry about, John. Just Nick confirming a shopping list”

Once again that flat stare, and then he was heading for the rotunda to meet his first group, just as Jess arrived with his tea. She held it out to him, and he waved vaguely at the window. She humphed.

“Just take the cup with you, drink it while you are waiting for them, and I will collect the empty. Go on—people are arriving properly now”

It was the usual midweek story, a mixture of men with huge cameras, and only slightly smaller telescopes, and families with very small children. We had two school groups due, and they would pass through the observation room and the World Wetlands rather than going straight to the hides, so the noise shouldn’t be an issue. I worked the till, swiping membership cards and answering the repeated question with “Both on the wader scrape last we heard”
I knew an awful lot of them would be back out in short order, as soon as they had snapped their photos and ticked their list. I chided myself a little: they were still members, still paying towards our work, and that was what mattered.

Once the rush was over, I took a few moments in the yard to ring Nick.

“Hi, love. I am still at the hospital. Getting a cuppa at the Friends’ café, so pardon me if I go a bit opaque at times”

“How is he?”

“Unhappy. Thanks, love. Sugar over there? Eight… Call you back in a couple, love. Going out to the car park”

He was as good as his word, as I froze in the December chill. ‘Yeah, but it’s a DRY chill!’. I was really losing it. As soon as my phone started to vibrate, I hit the green button.

“Nick! What did they say?”

“Just sitting in the car for a few, love. Bit of privacy. Can you talk?”

“At the moment, yes. I’m out in the yard”

“Right. Medical bits first: they think they caught him early enough. Quickly enough. Washed him out sufficiently to avoid liver damage”

“Oh, thank Christ!”

My knees went along with much of my self-control, and I slumped onto one of the crates stacked around me, as my eyes flooded.

“You still with me, Till?”

“Yes… just. I should have cried off work today”

“No. No you shouldn’t. He wanted to talk, and I don’t think he could have done it to both of us. There is a lot going on, love, and we need to find some time to talk it through. As a family. Now, I will take him home this afternoon, after we have a chat with a hospital shrink, but don’t fret: I have booked some leave from work, so he won’t be left alone. Not any more, anyway”

“What aren’t you telling me, Nick? And why the shrink? He’s only fifteen”

“Later, love. Talk this evening. Don’t worry. Love you, okay?”

He rang off, and I looked up to see John only four feet away from me.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I just wanted to confirm what the voucher covered, but I overheard, and…”

He took a seat on another crate.

“If I am intruding, please forgive me. I have issues with perception of social cues. It is… it is something that caused me a lot of problems in life”

Put away your worries about Danny, woman. Nick was in place, and John seemed more than a little needy himself. I could care about two people, at least for a few minutes. I dug back into my smiles.

“Sorry, John, but our son, Danny, yeah? He was taken very ill. Just being released from hospital this afternoon. Nick’s with him. My husband. I’m in a bit of a state, so sorry you had to see me like this”

He reached into one of his multiple pockets and brought out a sealed packet of tissues.

“I carry several of these, especially when leading groups. Please. Dry your eyes, if that is what you need”

I kept my smile in place a little longer.

“You picked up that social cue fine, John”

“Ah, tears are too obvious even for me”

He went over his pockets one by one, making sure each was fastened, then smiled back.

“It is a spectrum, rather famously, from twitchers and trainspotters to those unable to function, and I sit upon it. I am luckier than many, in that I retain self-awareness, in relation to my condition. I have friends, who have helped me to expand on that self-knowledge, and more to the point, I simply have friends. This work was their idea”

Where was he going with this? I reached out to pat his forearm.

“You are good at what you do, John. We regularly get excellent feedback from your groups”

A brighter smile.

“I retain more than enough self-awareness to know that, and I lack false modesty. Without my friends, though, I would have remained a twitcher. Now, once again apologising if I am intruding, but why would your son need the services of what you called a shrink?”

Suddenly, his eyes widened in a far more human way.

“Ah. I now understand how badly I am intruding. How will he be?”

All I could see in his eyes were understanding and sympathy, and once again my dam broke, as I realised how wrong I had been in coming into work. I had John’s tissues, though, so I was able to clean up a little.

“When is your next group, John?”

“In fifteen minutes”

“Right. You’ve worked it out, haven’t you?”

He looked down at his knees.

“I am unsure, but my conclusion is self-harm. Pardon me, but, well, overdose? Cutting?”

Sod it.

“He overdosed, John, on Paracetamol, which is not a good way to go. Doctors think he’s clear, after washing him out”

“Do you know why he did it?”

I shrugged, arms wide.

“Teenager, John. Not that uncommon, really. Nick, my husband, Nick knows a bit, I think, but he’s saving it for later when we have Danny home”

“And so the psychiatric referral. Well…”

He reached into one of those pockets, producing a small spiral-bound notebook, which he opened to a blank page before sitting for half a minute staring at it before starting to write.

“I am not one for ripping pages out of books, but needs must. Here are the numbers of two friends of mine. They are what you call shrinks, One of them is my own therapist, the other was my best friend’s. If you are unhappy with someone the hospital appoints for you, please feel free to call on one of these. They are both lovely people. Now, I have a group to look after, and you need to find your centre before coming back in. Once again, I am sorry for my intrusion”

He was gone, leaving behind a little packet of tissues and a sheet of paper carrying two names, ‘Alec’ and ‘Sally’, each with a telephone number. I realised he had written both numbers down from memory rather than needing to look them up, which certainly went with what was so clearly his autism.

I got through the rest of the day with only a couple more sessions in tears, which left Jess staring at my red eyes, and then I reversed the process of my arrival. Alarms enabled, valuables secured, the ride up Rocks Lane and the fight for space on the two trains home. The Dahon went into the porch ready for the following day, and I hovered my key for a few seconds before slipping it into the lock.

“Just me!”

Nick called back.

“In the front room. Tea’s brewed fresh”

That was an obvious hint. When I checked the cupboard, their favourite cups were both there, so I poured three times and carried them in on one of our little trays. Danny was on the settee, under a duvet, so I dug yet again for that smile. This time, I had real difficulty in finding it.

Pass them their drinks, take my place in the remaining armchair, and let Nick drive.

“I gave Mum a little bit of a heads-up earlier, Danny”

My boy suddenly looked terrified, face pale under the mane of dark hair his school was always complaining about, and Nick raised both hands.

“No, I didn’t. What you said, I kept it in confidence, okay? But I think, well, as a family?”

Danny’s voice was hoarse, I assume from the pumping of his stomach.

“Dad, I don’t know…”

“I understand. I think I understand, anyway, and this is your call, but I do think Mum needs some idea of what’s up. Your call, completely”

“But she’ll…”

“Hate you? Like I do?”

“Dad, you don’t hate me. You said”

“Yes, love, but remember your own words? That I WOULD hate you? Were you right then?”

An uncertain shake of the head from Danny.

“I hope I wasn’t. But Mum…”

I looked up once again, and as he looked away, I did my best.

“Danny, love, if your Dad is coping, why not me”

“You’re different, Mum”

“Could we at least try? If my own son is so unhappy that… Can you please understand that I don’t want you ever to be unhappy? You are the most important thing I have, that we have, your Dad and me. Perhaps, if we talk about it, it won’t seem so unbeatable? Can we at least try”

Danny started to weep, but it was nick who moved to hold him, waving me back.

“You’ll hate me, Mum…”

“I could never hate you. Is this about a girl?”

Nick gave me a sudden, sharp shake of his head, just as Danny answered “Sort of”

He drew in a shaky breath, then tried again.

“We’ve got the fifth form Christmas party next week, and it’s Cassie Steadman”

“She the one you fancy, love? Going with someone else?”

Another sharp shake from Nick.

“Please let Danny tell it, love. I did the second-guessing game as well, and it just slows everything down. Go ahead, love. No rush, though”

“Thanks, Dad. You know I…”

“I know you love me? Yes, I do. So does your Mum. Not going to stop doing so, either of us”

“Yes… Mum, no. It’s not Cassie. It’s who she’s going with. It’s Cassie I’m envious of”

“Oh! Ah. I… Danny, is that a boy, that she’s going with?”

He just nodded, and I started to relax a little. A gay son was hardly the top item on my List Of Things Not to Be.

“Danny, how would that be a problem? I mean, me and Dad, when we were at school it was actually illegal even to mention being gay, but that’s all gone. This other boy, I’ll assume he’s not gay, not if he’s taking a girl to that do, so, well. I know that will hurt, but there will be other lads, ones who are gay as well”

Nick was shaking his head again.

“Mum. Tilly. Please: not now”

Danny murmured something I didn’t catch.

“Pardon, Dan?”

“Not gay, Mum. Not gay”

My head was spinning, and Nick gave our boy a squeeze as he saw my expression.

“Let me try, Danny. Took me a while, so will probably be the same with Mum”

“Okay, Dad. Sorry”

“No need to be. Tilly, Danny is jealous---”

“Envious, Dad”

“Envious, then. Danny is envious of this Cassie”

“Because she’s going with the boy she fancies? I mean, the one she fancies that Danny also fancies?”

To my astonishment, Nick laughed out loud, and said “Crazy Golf!”, before gathering himself.

“Mum, you gave just done what you always do when we play that game. Where you hit the hole, your ball goes round and round, then pops out again”

“What on Earth are you on about, Nick?”

He was suddenly serious again.

“Danny isn’t envious of Cassie for going with some boy. Well, not just that. Danny is envious of Cassie for being able to go with the lad. For being Cassie”

I felt my stomach drop.

“Oh shit. You mean…”

Danny almost whispered, “Told you, Dad. Mum wouldn’t get it”

“Shush, love. She will. Just a bit of a surprise, that’s all. She almost got her ball in, without realising”

I looked at my husband, and had a revelation. His eyes were almost squinting, and yes, there were tears hanging.

“Tilly, love. I’ve had almost all day to get my head around this, and it isn’t easy, I know that. I’m still not sure I’m fully there, but here’s my take on priorities: our child hurts. They hurt so much they tried to leave us, and I sit here doing my best not to say ‘he’ or ‘him’ or ‘son’ because it is the most I can do, or the least, whatever, but it is something I can manage”

“Nick… you are saying he’s… Sorry. You are saying Danny is like that girl, the one who was killed?”

“Yes. Exactly that. And I have no idea what to do about it. The hospital shrink said something stupid, all about growing out of it, and shush for now, please, Danny, I am terrified that if we don’t deal with this properly, we won’t have a child. Oh, and I told that hospital woman to go fuck herself, so I assume we are a bit out of luck in expecting any help there. My child, my bloody daughter she tells me she is, she is in so much pain that we nearly didn’t have her, and at no point did she feel she could speak to either of us about what was hurting her. How fucked-up is that?”

‘Her’. Staring at my child, I tried to see a girl, but it wasn’t there. My child, though, my own flesh. The choices were so limited, but one was no choice at all, and that was to do whatever I could do to keep my child with us. I drew in a deep breath.

“What do we call you?”

My child looked up from… her father’s embrace.

“I don’t know, Mum”

“I thought it was traditional to have a wotsit, a girl name?”

“Mum… If I had that it would mean I had hope”

That was what broke me, and I found myself kneeling by the settee, my arms round my child, and all I could do was apologise, over and over again.

We settled down, eventually, and after I had wiped my face, I looked at her, working hard to get those pronouns to stick.

“Are you hungry, love?”

She almost smiled.

“For some reason, my stomach’s a bit empty right now”

“Pizza? Delivery?”

Two nods, and I dug out the menu for our local place. The pizzas were with us half an hour later, and as I paid the delivery man, I found John’s piece of notepaper. Sort the pizzas out and then see what my men thought..

Stop that. Only one man in the house.

We all squeezed onto the settee, pizza boxes and kitchen towels on the coffee table along with a couple of bottles of wine Nick had insisted we open. I showed them the paper.

“From a man at work, called John. He overheard some of the conversation I had with Dad, and it turns out he has a couple of friends who are psychiatrists or psychologists or whatever the word is”

Nick finished his slice of American Extra Hot.

“Who is this John?”

“Ah, he came to us a few years ago. I think—well, he’s very open about it. He’s on the autism spectrum. I remember him as a customer, before that: absolute twitcher and pain in the arse. Only ever came in for rarities, three photos and gone. Started coming with a group of friends after he retired, and they were all human beings”

“Mum, that’s not fair!”

“Sorry, love, but that’s what it felt like. They changed him, very much for the better. Want to know an odd thought I had about him?”

“Go on, Till”

“Yeah. It’s the twitching, the list keeping. I think he now does it by finding new birds for other people; twitching by proxy. Works as a group leader for us, a bird guide. Always gets the best reviews. Anyway, he says one of these is a friend’s therapist, and the other one’s his own”

I was watching Danny throughout this and she was slowly opening out in her posture, smiles appearing every so often. Fleeting as they were, they still gave me hope. I picked up my phone.

“Shall we see what they say?”

Danny looked at nick, and then both nodded at me.

“Which one?”

Danny shrugged.

“Which one was his therapist?”

“The woman, he said”

“Then perhaps call her”

“Okay… it’s ringing. Oh hello, I am calling on the advice of a friend. Looking for someone called Sally?”

The woman had quite a strong local accent.

“That’s probably me, then. Can I ask who gave you my name?”

“A man called John Wilkins. He’s a little, you know… he’s very open about being autistic”

“He may be open now, but not going to talk about him apart from saying he is a very decent bloke. How can I help?”

“Um, my name’s Tilly, Tilly Poulter. I’ve got my husband Nick with me, and our child Danny”

“Ah”

“Sorry? Could I switch to speaker, so they can hear you”

“Go ahead, Tilly. Hiya Danny, can you hear me?”

“Yes, Miss”

“Just Sally, girl, and I assume that’s what your Mum’s calling about?”

“How did you know?”

“Your Mum’s choice of words, Danny, and a weighted guess based on your name. I’d have apologised if I got it wrong. Where are you based?”

“Addiscombe”

“Not far from us. Tilly?”

“Yes?”

“You eaten yet?”

“We’re having pizzas”

“Well, if we bring a couple of our own, would that work? Be about twenty minutes?”

“This is very quick”

“Yeah, well, this time of year, people get silly. Am I on the money?”

I gave her our address, and twenty minutes later the doorbell rang. I opened the inside door and then the porch, letting in a fiftyish couple, the man looking very fit.

“You Tilly Poulter?”

“Yes. Sally?”

“Sally McDuff, and my hubby Stewie. We’re sort of a double act, and he’s brought some beers, just in case we need your old man out of the way”

“Um, right. Come in. To be honest, it’s Nick who’s got a better handle on things. I’m just lost. Do you normally come out on spec, this quick?”

She dropped her voice to a whisper.

“I do when I have already had the heads-up from a mate in a particular psych department, along with your surname, and a call from John. And I am going to call all of that ‘honest concern’ and not ‘breach of medical confidentiality’, if you don’t mind. Now, ours are supermarket pizzas, so can Stewie use your oven while I get to see the rabbit?”

I nodded, leading the way inside. I pointed Sally at Nick and Danny while setting the oven going for her husband. He did indeed have beer, and with a grin he put it into our fridge.

“If I need to distract him, I’ll use the beer”

“What if you don’t need to?”

“We’ll just drink it!”

I was quickly starting to like the two of them, and it was clear why John had recommended Sally. When we entered the living room, she was slumped in an armchair, a slice of the Extra Hot in one hand, the other reaching for a glass I hadn’t noticed Stewie collect.

“Fill her up for me, lover. Sorry if we are making ourselves at home, Tilly, but, well, old habits. How do you want to do this, Danny? Just two of us, or any permutation?"

"Do what, Miss?”

“Told you: Sally. What we are going to do is try and sort out why you did something so serious”

Once again, her choice of words jumped out at me: ‘serious’, not ‘silly’.

Danny reached out for her father’s hand, and then mine, and Sally smiled.

“That’s a good answer. Now, who am I talking to? Got any other names?”

Danny shook her head.

“Said it earlier, to Mum and Dad. Picking a name, it’s sort of having hope, and I didn’t”

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that. Oh, and by the way, I specialise in three main areas, only one of which is autism spectrum characteristic. One is post traumatic stress disorder, and the other is gender dysphoria. John tells me he also gave you Alec’s number as well and, yup, so does Alec. Has John met Danny?”

I looked at my child, and she nodded.

“We came round on a school trip a couple of times. If he’s a little older man, yes”

“Right. He still surprises me how much he takes in considering how much he misses. Now, names. We need a name. If names imply hope, then let’s get some implicating done. What were your parents going to call you if it had said ‘girl’ on your birth certificate?”

---0---

I have no idea how Sally talked me into it, but our Christmas plans disappeared in a rush of shopping. Not for dresses, shoes, all the clichés I would have expected (although there was some of that), but in winter clothing, sleeping bags and thermal mats, together with two new duvets. Some of Sally’s friends had space in an immense tent, pitched up in a damp field outside a church in Horley, where there was a carol service, and a meal for kids from a local hospital, and more trans people than I ever suspected existed.

Danny’s mood was transformed. She was in a pair of loose print leggings, to make the point without freezing her legs, along with a lavender T-shirt and matching fleece. After we had helped dish out the meal for the children, I asked her if she wouldn’t have preferred that fifth form party.

“Nope. Cassie can have him. He’s up his own arse, anyway. I mean, it’s a really NICE arse he’s got, but…”

“Danny, love, you: I mean, what’s got you so, you know, in your face?”

She untied her apron, turning her back on me as she did so.

“Honestly, Mum? How can I not be, being with all these people, people like me, all so sorted? That’s why Sally pushed this, isn’t it?”

“I suspect you’re right, love. Seriously, though, I am not complaining, but, well, what about after Christmas? What do we do?”

She turned back to me, the brightest of smiles lighting the room.

“That’s the word, Mum: ’we’. Not just you and Dad and me, but all these others here. That was what was killing me. Literally, it nearly did. I know better now. And I’ve done a lot of talking, especially with that Annie, the one with the flute. She said it’s important to remember that decent people are the vast majority, but those who are arseholes are just more memorable, and not to let fear drive your life. She…”

Suddenly, my daughter was in tears, so I held her to me until she could speak again.

“Mum, the McDuffs and Annie, they showed me something, and I have a name I would like for my own. After one of their friends”

“Have I met this one?”

“She’s in the graveyard, Mum. One of the ones like that girl up north. Didn’t make it”

“Oh, my love. Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. I asked Sally and Stewie if they would mind, and Stewie just said I should bring the name some new life. Do you mind?”

I held her away from me so that I could see her face.

“What is the name, love?”

“Melanie”

“That… That’s a lovely name”

She nodded.

“Haven’t thought of a middle name yet”

I chuckled at her, the pronoun making more abundant sense every time I saw her smile.

“That could be a new year resolution, love”

“One of them, Mum. Got some others”

“Which are?”

“Well, first one is to do my best to honour my new name. Got a tough act to follow, but… But I know it’s not just me now, like I said”

I hugged her again, soaking up her tears in my own fleece. When she was happy again, or at least in control, I asked what the other resolution might be.

“Oh, Mum, that one’s a Christmas resolution”

“Is there such a thing?”

She grinned again.

“Well, I am making one”

“And?”

“Well, the very big man? Blonde?”

“Yes? Steve something?”

“That’s the one, He has a son”

“Oh?”

“Well, there’s dancing tonight. I resolve not to let anyone get in the way od me ogling his backside. And there he goes!”

So much life, life I had never seen in her before. As she trotted out of the hall, I spotted John by the door, and he just grinned at me before raising his mug in salute.

So much to come to terms with, indeed. My daughter chasing boys was surely not the greatest of adjustments I would ever encounter, for that was eclipsed by the changes in our lives when Nick and I became parents. We had coped then, we would cope now, as well as in the future. My own resolution for the next however many new years to come.

And not alone. Never alone.