Community Reactions

McKenzie is now openly presenting herself as a girl around Santa Carla. Will she be accepted in her new identity? Now that the divorce is final Father wants to come to the house to remove his personal stuff. Mrs. Russica publishes a tirade in the local newspaper.

It has been a long journey since Aunt Karen first suggested I dress as a girl for a trip with Mom and cousin Kaylie to Bryce Canyon National Park. That initial experience of public femininity had reawakened long-suppressed feelings. For years I had tried to act masculine in a hopeless attempt to please my militaristic and macho Father. Now that was all past, the divorce was final, and Mom had custody. StacyLyn, who first met me coming out of the restroom that did not match my altered gender presentation, had become my friend and supporter, and had introduced me to 'Aunt Jessica,' her transgendered biological father. Jessica's advice and my insistence combined to get me on puberty-blocking drugs before I was poisoned by testosterone. Meanwhile, Mom had been terrified about my dress-up activities interfering with the custody decision, and her insecure personality meant that I had spent over a year totally closeted. What had been most amazing was learning that Judge Coleman had known about my feminine side all along and was not bothered in the least. The judge told me that whatever my gender identity was I should be open and proud of it. In response, we had gone to Red Desert Mall and I initiated my public transition. In retrospect I am not sure who started the idea of using the mall visit to announce my new identity, but I sure did not need much convincing.

**************
The morning after the court hearing I woke up with the knowledge that this was going to be my first full day living publicly as a girl. I got dressed in my usual girl-casual clothes but carefully brushed my hair into a feminine style and put on a little makeup. When I sat down in the kitchen I noticed that Mom had not yet brought in the newspaper. I decided this was an opportunity and went out the front door, walked down the driveway with a bit of hip swing, and gracefully bent to pick up the paper.

I wasn't sure who would see me when I went outside, but I just felt that being out of the closet meant I needed to start confidently presenting my new self to the neighbors. Mike and Glenda Pallak, who lived across the street, were outside doing some early morning yard work and just gave me a friendly wave. They had seen me dressed as a girl when Mom and I had come home from the Red Desert Mall yesterday, so my presentation was no surprise to them. As I walked back to the house a car passed on the street, but I didn't turn to see who was driving.

When I came back in Mom was on the phone talking to Aunt Karen.

"Karen, I know you wanted announce the new McKenzie to the community, but was it really right to give Nancy, the hairdresser, permission to spread the news? ... Yes, ... This is all so sudden. But what about Judge Coleman being so explicit right in open court? ... Maybe it would have been better to keep McKenzie's gender issues private for a while. ... I don't agree. Not everyone in the community is going to be accepting. ... What about Mrs. Russica and my ex? ... I hope you are right."

Mom was having her usual doubts. What I knew for sure was that initiating beauty salon gossip would result in the news about me spreading like wildfire through our small-town community. Whether people approved or not, no one would be unprepared when they saw the new me. I was more confident than Mom, but listening to her did stir some doubts and concerns in my mind.

StacyLyn and Jessica were my confidants when I was unsure about gender and transitioning issues. Right after breakfast I sat down and sent them both messages. A short while later I got a long, carefully written email reply from Jessica.

"Years ago the standard advice for t-girls was to transition in secret. This meant moving to a new location where no one knew the old male personality. Moving and transitioning in secret avoided a lot of issues, but running away also meant a big hassle. One consequence was loosing all your old friends and community contacts. Worse, t-girls who transitioned in secret lived in terror of someone finding out. It was like being a fugitive -- always afraid of being recognized or having an old document become public.

"Once a few pioneering women and young girls made their transition in public it opened up society's attitudes. Think about all the real-life news stories and biographies that I have forwarded to you. Utah is a conservative state, but there have been a number of prominent people there who have transitioned from male to female publicly while keeping their jobs and community contacts -- a university professor, a rural county planner, a member of a suburban city council. Judge Coleman was right in telling you to be open and proud of who you are. Most people will accept you and support you. There will always be bigots, but you can't let the bigots run, or ruin, your life. I urge you to go out and show the world that you are a brave girl."

Jessica's reply gave me a lot of confidence. I started thinking about all the YouTube videos I had watched that chronicled various t-girls in transition. Some had conflicts at school, some had conflicts with their parents, but they all were willing to show their face and state that they were transgendered. What I did by letting Nancy spread the news was nothing like appearing on prime-time television for an interview. I knew I would have problems with some people, but I now felt like we had done the right thing yesterday by publicly declaring that McKenzie was now going to be living full-time as a girl.

Kaylie came over later and we spent several hours packing the clothes I was not going to need anymore and discussing how to make my bedroom into a more feminine environment. I was finally able to take my girl clothes and makeup out of their 'hiding places' in the guest room, a ruse that apparently had never really fooled the social worker anyway.

Kaylie had contacted some of her girl friends and arranged for us to meet late in the afternoon at a nearby Walgreens drug store. As an excuse, she told them I needed suggestions on makeup and grooming products. Although I had been hanging out with Kaylie's friends for years I had always been the outlier effeminate boy in a crowd of girls. I trusted all of them as friends, but still was very nervous about having them see me dressed as a girl for the first time.

What amazed me was that all the girls seemed to ignore my changed presentation and acted like everything was perfectly normal. We greeted each other with hugs, wandered down the makeup aisle, and compared notes on the various products while chatting about local gossip. I was wondering if when someone was going to make a specific comment about what I thought of as a major change in my life.

As I was looking at various shades of nail polish Beth came up beside me. "This is neat finally seeing you stop hiding your interests."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, like this is not the first time you have been with us shopping for makeup. We all knew you were jealous of us and wished you could buy stuff to make yourself pretty too."

"You all knew that? Is that why no one has commented on what happened yesterday?"

"You have been hanging out with us for years. It was pretty obvious you wished you could be a girl instead of a boy. On the way over here today we all decided to not make a big deal over finally transitioning. As far as we are concerned, you really have been a girl all along, but just couldn't show it."

We wandered down the aisles and eventually got to the feminine hygiene products. Kaylie, as usual, couldn't resist getting in a wisecrack.

"Well this is ONE girl thing McKenzie will not have to start buying!"

Beth laughed. "Now it's my turn to be jealous."

The laughing and joking continued as I filled my shopping basket with hair accessories, makeup, perfume, panty hose, and other daily necessities. I was having fun stocking up on supplies for being a girl. When it came time to check out the clerk, who had seen the boy McKenzie shopping in the store for years, just rang up the items, put them in a bag, and told me to have a nice day.

That evening Kaylie and Aunt Karen joined us for dinner at a nearby restaurant. The hostess greeted us as 'ladies' and the staff certainly showed no reaction to my appearance even though I had been there as a boy many times. On the other hand, I noticed some customer stares and whispered comments that I am sure were in response to my new appearance. It was clear that not everyone in town was comfortable with the change.

During the dinner conversation Aunt Karen continued in her listening role as Mom's big-sister confidant and adviser. "Karen, we are going to have to watch out for Mrs. Russica. She is always stirring up trouble and it looks like she is really upset about McKenzie's transition."

"What's happened?" I asked.

"You know she writes a blog that is a favorite of the arch-conservative, red-neck crowd. Today she posted a long tirade about traditional gender roles and family structure. She declared that deviation from 'normal' gender behavior was an 'abomination' and a sign of society going down hill. She didn't mention McKenzie's name, but it is clear she has heard the news and is upset. Given that she wrote about the importance of schools preserving 'traditional values' I sort of expect her to make an issue over how McKenzie presents herself at school in the fall."

"Well Carol, I think Judge Coleman will be an ally. Remember he said he wanted his court to be a protector of diversity in Santa Carla."

"I'm still worried."

"You always worry too much. McKenzie is brave enough to do this, and you need to support your daughter."

**********
The next morning Mom got a phone call from Father. He said there were still a few things of his in the basement and garage and he wanted to come over and get them sometime. That raised the issue of what I was going to do when he came over. Since Mom had exclusive custody she could prevent him from seeing me, but my change was now public knowledge. Besides, Santa Carla is a small town and sooner or later he would cross paths with the girl McKenzie anyway. Again, Mom went into her indecisive, worry-mode.

I sensed that this was a time to leave Mom alone, so I told her I was going over to see Kaylie. This would be the first time I walked over to her house alone and dressed as a girl. Just like when I first went out as a girl to pick up the morning newspaper I was a bit nervous. The neighbors had been friendly then, so what could go wrong now?

As I headed along the sidewalk I noticed a bunch of boys from school across the street. I recognized Tim, the football team captain, and several of the real jocks plus a couple of boys I did not know well. As I turned the corner toward Kaylie's house I realized they had crossed the street and were following behind me. I picked up my pace. Memory of the cheer camp incident was fresh in my mind even though the bruises from being tossed in the air had healed.

"McKenzie, wait. I just want to talk to you."

I wasn't sure what to do. This could be the start of more harassment. I knew if I started to run they would easily catch me before I got to Kaylie's house. I also knew that running implied fear and that fear attracted predators. Maybe walking to Kaylie's had been a dumb idea. I heard them getting closer and decided to stop, turn around, and show that I wasn't going to be intimidated.

Tim came up to me with the others following behind. "I just wanted to tell you that we all really respect you for what you are doing. You're a brave ... girl."

That is not what I had expected. "Thank you." I paused wondering what to say next.

"You do want us to treat you a girl now, don't you?"

"Of course. That's what I am going to be." I started to relax.

"I am having a hard time understanding all this, but if becoming a girl is what you need to do it's OK with us. You probably guessed that Gary Russica and some other guys have been making nasty comments about you. My friends talked it over and we all agreed to watch out for you. If anyone ever gives you trouble they will have to deal with me."

This was followed by a chorus of "me too."

"Thanks again. I was really nervous when you guys started following me."

"Well, I am a bit nervous being seen talking to a charming girl who I know has boy parts down there."

One of his friends cut in, "Come on Tim. Let's go before you decide to ask her for a date."

They headed off joking like typical boys. That last comment got me thinking. Up to now I had been focusing on being accepted as one of the girls, and had not thought much about how I wanted to act around boys. Kaylie gave me a temporary solution.

"Just say your Mom thinks you are too young. You never were close friends with boys before, so continue keeping your relationships very cool and casual now that you are a girl. It will buy you some time."

Kaylie and I also discussed the problem of Father's upcoming visit to the house. I needed to decide if I wanted to hide elsewhere or be at home when he arrived. If I was going to be at home that raised the question of how should I be dressed. Aunt Karen joined our discussion and, as always, provided good advice.

"You don't want to deny who you are, but you don't want to appear to be giving the wrong message either. If you appear excessively feminine the message is almost rubbing his nose in the breakup of your relationship. I suggest you let him see you, but just dress low-key like you used to do when you were hanging out with Kaylie: jeans, practical shoes, a modest top over a sports bra and no makeup.

***********
I followed Aunt Karen's advice, but still was nervous on the afternoon when Father said he would come over. We were sure he was aware of my new appearance given the speed of small-town gossip, but this would be the first time for him to see me in person in over a year and a half. Father had been overseas on deployment most of the time since he had told Mom he wanted a divorce, and we neither of us had made an effort to see each other since he got back. Aunt Karen and Kaylie arranged to be at our house when Father came over in case Mom or I needed support.

Kaylie and I headed into the front room when we heard his car pull into the driveway. I figured taking the initiative and being visible was the stronger position rather than having him ask to see me. He came in the door, coldly greeted Mom, and then glanced in my direction. He clearly was displeased by what he saw.

"Is this something your mother is making you do, or is it your idea?"

"This is what I am, and what I want to be." It took a real effort to say that calmly.

"You are a bigger sissy faggot than I ever expected. Get the hell out of my sight!"

"Mr. Clark, this is McKenzie's home not yours anymore! SHE has a right to be in this room," Aunt Karen shouted.

Father muttered an obscenity and stormed down the basement stairs.

Aunt Karen may have been right, but I decided I didn't want to push the issue. Kaylie and I head to my room and closed the door. Throughout the custody proceedings I kept saying that I wanted him out of my life. Still the harshness of his rejection hurt. Kaylie held me as I sobbed softly.

************
For the next few days I was on an emotional roller coaster. When people accepted me as a girl it was great, but the occasional nasty comments really hurt. I spent a lot of time communicating with my support network. Aunt Karen, StacyLyn, and Jessica all kept reminding me to be self-confident and proud. I tried, but it was hard.

As the weekend approached Aunt Karen suggested taking Kaylie and me on a Saturday trip back to the Red Desert Mall where I had come out publicly. Mom stayed behind to go into the office and catch up on work. She always was a career-focused person, but had become noticeably more so since I went on puberty blockers. She had explained to me that gender therapy was not covered by normal medical insurance and that we would have a lot of big expenses ahead if I transitioned all the way.

Aunt Karen was speeding along on the Interstate when Kaylie broke into my thoughts. "I am sure you will get noticed today shopping as a girl. Once a hairdresser starts spreading gossip there is no stopping it."

I put down the copy of Cosmo Girl that I had borrowed from Kaylie. "What I am looking forward to is just being able to shop for myself and actually try things on in the store. No more handing items to you so you could pretend to be buying them for yourself like we had to do for so long."

"You did a good job at staying closeted. You always acted nonchalant when we shopped together in the girls' section even when I knew you are really jealous of me."

"Come on, I was not jealous."

"Yes you were jealous, and you still are. You want a bod like mine don't you? You are disappointed because all the herbal treatments and lavender oil you have been soaking in hasn't given you bigger boobs."

"I guess I just have to live with what little I have for now."

"At least that over-padded bra makes you look believable." Kaylie looked over at the magazine I was holding. "OK, which sexy outfit on that page do you wish you were wearing?"

"Kaylie, stop teasing McKenzie," Aunt Karen cut in. "I want her to have a nice experience today."

We headed down the exit ramp and turned into the Red Desert Mall parking lot.

After a while I found myself in the teen girl section at Nordstroms. Kaylie was lingering behind while Aunt Karen lead me slowly along the rack picking up dresses, holding them up in front of me, then putting them back. A college-age sales clerk came up behind us.

"Can I help you ladies find something?"

As I turned she looked me over. "Are you the McKenzie Clark everyone is talking about?"

"Yes - it's the new girl in town." I was following Judge Coleman's advice and being open and proud of who I was.

"Well you look marvelous. I am so glad to have you as a customer."

Aunt Karen held up a light blue empire style dress. "I think my new niece would like to try this one on."

The clerk was a professional who knew that flattering the customer was the way to make the sale.

"I think it is perfect for her. You know empire style always looks good on girls with boyish figures so why not for a girl in transition? It's a great fabric, not to clingy, so it will look good even if she doesn't have real curves yet. Let's have you try it on."

When she got near the changing rooms the clerk told me to wait, and she went back and carefully checked the area before she let me go in. I went into a changing room, put on the dress, then went out to model it for Aunt Karen and Kaylie. They thought it looked marvelous and we decided to buy it.

"My treat," Aunt Karen said.

As the clerk was ringing up the sale I risked a question that had been bothering me. "Why were you so cautious checking the changing area before I went in?"

"Your being there certainly is OK, but Mrs. Russica and a couple of her collaborators were in this store earlier today. They were very vocal about how disgusting it was that a boy was going around town dressed as a girl. I knew exactly whom they were talking about. They had used the changing rooms earlier, and I wanted to be sure they were not still around to cause you any embarrassment.

"Thanks, but eventually McKenzie will need to learn to deal with narrow-minded people who cannot accept gender diversity." Aunt Karen looked at me. "Are you ready to face bigots like her?"

***********
The regional weekly newspaper, the Southwest Desert Times, was on the kitchen table when we got home. It was lucky that Aunt Karen had decided to come in with me as Mom was clearly upset by something she had read. I picked up the paper and saw a lengthy op-ed piece by Mrs. Russica. She was ranting about how permissive society was tolerating deviant behavior including boys running around dressed like girls. She seemed to have taken the most insulting and inflammatory parts from her conservative blog, added remarks from her fellow-travelers, and submitted it for publication. She didn't mention me by name, but said 'A certain boy in Santa Carla is an embarrassment to the community and to his patriotic father who has been serving overseas in the military while his mother has been supporting and encouraging this disgusting behavior. She also repeated her lies that her son and his friends were being unjustly accused when all that happened was the result of a 'frail boy falling and hitting his head.'

At first I wondered how anything so hurtful could be published in a community newspaper. Then I looked over at the editorial on the facing page.

"This newspaper has always given the highest priority to defending our American Constitutional rights, and these rights include free speech. However, this paper is also sensitive to ethical issues including minority rights and tolerance for those who differ from the majority. The citizen opinion piece on the next page presented us with a challenge of how to balance free speech for the outspoken and justice for all. After much deliberation we have chosen to publish the opinion column submitted by Mrs. Russica on the condition that it focus on issues, and not mention any individual by name. The writer complied with the letter, but not the spirit, of these stipulations.

"It is important to note that this week's citizen opinion column does not reflect the opinions held by the editorial board of this newspaper. We wish to go on record as supporting a policy of opposing any and all discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, sex, marital status, familial status, parental status, source of income, religion, political beliefs, sexual orientation, gender identity, or genetic information."

Further down the page was a boxed advertisement by American Retail Properties, the owners of Red Desert Mall.

"All are welcome to eat and shop at our properties regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity or manner of dress. Harassment of our guests by store employees or by members of the public will not be tolerated."

I showed the editorial and mall advertisement to Mom. These expressions of support clearly made her feel better. Aunt Karen put her arm around me.

"Don't worry about Mrs. Russica. Most people in this community fully support you. Next week you will have a nice surprise."