I'm not the unluckiest boy in the world- far from it, in fact- but every morning I wake up cursing my life.

My name is Ashley Nathan Moore. I was born on the 12th of May 2003 to two very loving parents, who would subsequently have three more children- three girls. I'm the only boy in the family... And the frustration that causes me is immeasurable.

Not that I don't love my sisters, of course, and they love me. Cassidy- the second of my three sisters- is always telling me how glad she is that I'm her big brother.

I just wish- I ALWAYS wish- that I was her big sister.

Ever since I started primary school I was obsessed with girls. For a twelve year old boy, this isn't out of the ordinary, I admit, but at the time, I was five, and every time I saw one of my classmates walk past wearing a skirt, or with their long hair tied into a ponytail, it triggered a feeling in me, a feeling that only grew stronger each time I felt it.

When I left primary school, I was dreading starting secondary school. I didn't really have any friends at primary school, and no one I knew would be going to the secondary school I chose, but the source of my dread was much more basic- virtually every girl I say at the school would be wearing thick grey tights, a knee-length pleated skirt and tiny black ballerina flats. I would spend every minute of every school day obsessing over this fantasy I knew could never come true, eventually leaving at the age of sixteen as an all but fully grown man, complete with facial hair, body hair and a deep, masculine voice. I was all but ready to resign myself to my fate and forget all about my dream of being a girl... And then I saw her.

I'd seen over the summer news stories about a girl who used to be a boy, but who was kidnapped by her absent father and forced to be a boy again. Fortunately, the girl was rescued and returned to her mother, once again living life as a girl. Her name was Laura, Laura White... And on my first day at secondary school, I was shocked to see her face- and the skirt, tights and ballerina flats she was wearing- walking past me in the corridor. There was someone who had been in the exact same position as me, but had taken the plunge and decided to live her dream... But who ended up suffering through a terrible ordeal as a result.

After two months, I worked up the courage to introduce myself to Laura and her friends. It turned out that she was a member of the school's drama club, so I hastily signed myself up as well, even though I'd never really had any interest in acting (and my parents aren't what you'd call 'artistically-minded'). A few days later, I told Laura- in confidence- about my secret wish, and she instantly became one of my best ever friends. A short while later, I confided my secret to a second girl, Suriya, who also became one of my best friends and later my sort-of girlfriend too- much to my parents' surprise. It was Suriya who would give me my first taste of life as a girl, by giving me a pair of her school tights. It took me a week to work up the courage, but eventually I took the plunge and stretched the thick grey legwear over my legs... And I was instantly in heaven. It was the first time I'd ever worn a feminine item of clothing, but it just felt so right.

In the meantime, I had joined the girls' ballet class- which took my parents by surprise when I asked them if they'd be happy to pay for the lessons. I had thought that by attending the class, it would bring me closer to my dreams by bringing me closer to Laura and her friends, but if anything, it made my urges even worse. Every lesson I'd show up in my white t-shirt and black leggings, whilst the girls would wear dark blue leotards and soft pink tights, and would have their hair tied up into elaborate buns. What should have been an activity to help me realise my dreams only served to remind me just how far away from them I was.

Eventually, I 'came out' to all of Laura's friends, who accepted me without question as 'one of the girls'. Even better, I would find myself building up a wardrobe of girls' clothes- every time they were going to throw away old clothes of give them to charity, they'd end up in my hands instead. I would be given skirts, dresses, leotards, even one of Suriya's old saris. I'd hang out with the girls at the weekend too, join in their makeovers and dressing-up parties (when their parents weren't watching, anyway). To all intents and purposes, I was just another one of the girls...

...And yet as I start my second year of secondary school today, I'm reminded just how much I am NOT one of the girls. As always, I pull on my black socks, my grey trousers and my black lace-up shows, and as always, when I meet my friends at the front gates, they're wearing their ballet flats, grey tights and knee-length pleated skirts (apart from Suriya's older sister Priya, who's wearing the 'upper school' uniform of a straight skirt and black tights).

"Hey Ash!" Suriya squeaks happily, rushing over to give me a hug. "Second year starts here!"

"Hey Suri!" I giggle. "Hey Priya... Years three and four start here, I guess!"

"Don't remind me," Priya laughs. "I'm already terrified about my GCSEs as it is..."

"Though you do at least get to wear the 'grown-up' uniform," I laugh, prompting sad smiles from the two Indian girls.

"As would you, if you just told your parents," Priya sighs. "Well, in two years you would, anyway!" I force out a chuckle, but inside, I know that what Priya's saying is correct- and it's the reason why my dreams will never come true.

If my parents reacted with surprise when I told them that I wanted to start ballet class, I dread to think what their reactions would be if I told them I wanted to live my life as a girl. My father in particular would be livid- the way Laura's father acted toward her is proof enough of that. My parents already have three girls, I couldn't take their only boy away from them- especially not from dad.

Every time my mum gave birth to a girl, dad would smile and be happy and say how much he loves his new daughter... But he would then immediately return to me, indulging me in a kick-about or a trip to see Queen's Park Rangers (his favourite football club) play. Every morning I wake up and see the QPR poster on my wall, I'm reminded that not only am I his boy, I'm his only boy, and that's all I can ever be.

Mum, on the other hand, is very much devoted to her career. Out of her and dad, she's the main breadwinner. She manages a large shop (part of a national retail chain) in Knightsbridge, leaving most of the day-to-day running of the house to dad (who does occasional work as an Uber driver). Whenever she is home, she always finds time for myself and my sisters, and will help me with my homework if I need it or drive me to dance class (despite my father's tuts). If I were to tell mum that I wanted to be a girl... I can't even begin to imagine what her reaction would be.

After the first two lessons of the day (which should include PE, but thankfully don't at it's the first day of term) I make my way to the small 'picnic table' Laura and her friends have claimed as their own.

"Hey Ash!" Suriya says, jumping up and giving me a hug before leading me to my usual seat, squashed between her and Laura.

"Found any year sevens you want to boss around yet," Nicole, the unofficial 'leader' of the gang asks.

"Nah, just been in form then in a not-PE class," I say.

"Ugh, boy's PE," Harriet- another member of the gang- spits. From what I understand, in Laura's first year at secondary school, Harriet was something of a bully to her, constantly picking on her and making her life a misery for being who she wanted to be. She and Laura are now firm friends after Harriet was forced to apologise by her mum (it turned out that Harriet's dad was forcing her to be a bully out of fear of punishment), and if anything Harriet is the most determined to make Laura- and me, for that matter- into full girls as fast as possible.

"What are you doing?" Megan- the final and shyest member of the gang- asks. "Rugby or football?"

"Football, thankfully," I say. "Got rugby after half-term. Reckon you could, I dunno, break my ankle or something during half term?"

"No way!" Harriet laughs.

"Yeah," Laura says. "How are you going to do ballet with a broken ankle?" NOT in a leotard and pink tights... I self-pityingly think to myself.

Break ends shortly afterward and I head to my next lesson- maths. It is, fortunately, a lesson where I can just sit down, shut up and get on with it- something which is a rare treat in my school life.

As much as I love my friends, the fact remains that they're all one year (or in Priya's case, two years) ahead of me, meaning that the only opportunity we get to hang out is at break or lunchtime. During lessons, I basically work with whoever I'm sat next to, and they're often people I wouldn't call (or wouldn't want to call) friends.

It's not like I'm bullied at school- in lessons, the teachers keep a close enough eye that there's nothing any would-be bully can do, and at break, I spend all my time with Laura and her gang, who are untouchable (and, thanks to Laura's brush with fame the previous summer, fairly popular). This doesn't stop other kids in my year- usually girls, frustratingly enough- from sniggering or pretending to whisper to each other every time I walk past. I'm lucky that I can rise above it all... But god knows how bad it would be if I suddenly showed up to school wearing a skirt.

The school day ends, as usual, at 3pm, and I wave my six female friends goodbye as I jump into the passenger seat of my dad's car, smiling as I wave at the two tiny girls on the back seat, each dressed in the red cardigan and grey skirt I desperately wished I could wear when I went to the primary school they'd spent all day at.

"Hey Bryony! Hey Cassie!" I say to the two girls. "So, Cassie, how'd you like your first day at proper school?"

"It was okay," the four (nearly five) year old girl replies. "The teacher read a funny story to us."

"I'm not expecting to actually learn anything yet," dad chuckles. "Hopefully you two paid more attention in school today?"

"I always pay attention in school," I say.

"Yeah, to girls!" Bryony says sarcastically, making my dad laugh.

"She does have a point," dad says. "I take it you spent the whole time having out with your girlfriend and her friends?"

"Yes, as always," I reply. "That reminds me- can Suriya and Laura come over on Thursday after ballet?"

"What, to help you with your homework?" Dad asks. "It's the first day of school, do you even have any homework?"

"No, but I bet I will by Thursday," I say.

"They can help me with my homework if Ashley doesn't have any!" Cassidy says, making everyone in the car chuckle.

"You don't even get any homework until you're in year three," Bryony says, making my younger sister stammer.

"Play nice, you two," dad warns.

"So, Cassie, what was your favourite thing about school?" I ask, trying to save the tiny girl's blushes.

"I really liked how big it was," Cassidy replies. "I DIDN'T like how everyone was dressed the same. How do teachers know who everyone is?" This time, I can't help but let out a giggle at my sister's innocence.

"That's why it's called a 'uniform'," I say. "It means that everyone wears the same thing."

"Why can't I wear my pink dress instead?" Cassidy asks.

"Over to you, Ash," dad laughs. "You seem to have this one covered..."

"Uhh," I stammer. "I think it's got to do with helping you feel like part of the community, or something..."

"What's a 'community'?" Cassidy innocently asks.

"Don't you know anything?" Bryony says. "It's a group of people who all do the same thing."

"Uhh, close enough," I say. "It's a group of people who all either live together or work together, like, you and your friends at school all work together, so you're a community."

"So are we a community?" Cassidy asks. "Us, mum and Dorothy?"

"Yep!" I say happily. "The Moore family is as much a community as your class at school."

"So why don't we all wear the same thing?" Cassidy asks, making everyone giggle again.

"Well, for starters, me and Ash can't wear skirts," dad laughs. "Unless you want to wear trousers to school or at home..."

"No," Cassidy says, shaking her head. "Only boys wear trousers!"

"Girls can wear trousers too," Bryony says. "It's only boys who can't wear skirts."

"That doesn't seem fair," Cassidy says as I remain quiet and muse on just how right the tiny girl is.

After I arrive home and change out of my uniform into a pair of jeans and a plain blue t-shirt, smiling sadly as Cassidy changes into her favourite pink dress and Bryony changes into a t-shirt and a short denim skirt that is a far too 'mature' look for the 9 year old girl- though if I said that to Bryony's face, she'd just take it as a compliment. After dinner, I spend a short while fussing over Dorothy- my youngest sister at just 2 and a half years old- before heading up to my bedroom and shutting the door. I sigh as I open my wardrobe and take out the small suitcase from inside, opening it to stare at the contraband within.

After checking that my door is firmly shut and all my family are downstairs, I withdraw a knee-length, pleated grey skirt from the suitcase and- after stripping off my jeans- slowly step into it, securing it around my waist. Even though I'm still wearing boy's underwear and a boy's t-shirt, even though my hair is (relatively) short and my face is make-up free, the mere act of wearing a skirt makes me smile, and for one brief moment, forget all about my misery. I'm NOT the unluckiest boy in the world... But it certainly feels like it at times.

After a short while, I strip off the skirt and return it (and the suitcase) to the back of my wardrobe, ready for when I need it again. After pulling my jeans back on, I take my small tablet PC out of my drawer and switch it on, logging onto Facebook to find a discussion already in progress.

'Hey, 'honorary girlie'!' Laura types as I enter the chat room.

'Hey Ash!' Suriya types. 'Enjoyed your first day of year 8?'

'Yep!' I type. 'Not quite as painful as usual, lol.'

'Wasn't it your sister's first day at school today as well?' Nicole asks.

'Yep!' I reply. 'She likes the school, doesn't like the uniform so much...'

'Like brother, like sister!' Megan types. 'You have to admit it's ironic...'

'Maybe a little,' I sigh as I type. 'Actually spent the last hour wearing a skirt, thinking it'd cheer me up.'

'OMG just tell your parents already!' Priya types, making me roll my eyes. 'What's the worst they can do, they can't kick you out?'

'Believe me, they can do worse,' Laura types, making me shiver with terror as the conversation briefly pauses.

'I'm sorry,' Priya eventually types. 'But your dad was evil, I've met Ashley's dad, he's not like that, he's not a bully.

'And in fairness, he's always been polite to me,' Laura types. 'Even when he knows what I am.'

'It wouldn't surprise me at all if they already knew,' Suri types, making me smile.

'Nah,' I type. 'If mum had any idea about that, she'd have confronted me about it ages ago.'

'I've got to go,' Laura suddenly types. 'My grandma’s here, she's made me a chocolate pudding, I'll get in trouble if I don't eat at least some of it...'

'Ttyl, Laura!' Nicole says as Laura signs out, leaving another awkward silence in the room. Laura's ordeal at the hands of her father left some deep emotional scars, probably the deepest of which was an obsession about her weight that led to a year-long battle with bulimia. All throughout her second year at school, Laura would attempt to purge her body with laxatives, which resulted in her collapsing in the middle of ballet class.

In what was easily the most terrifying experience of my young life, I had to watch as Laura was wrapped in a blanket (to keep her warm), placed into the back of an ambulance and driven away, leaving me and the other girls stood there terrified out of our minds. What terrified me more than the sight of Laura collapsing was the thought, however illogical, that if I tried to live life as a girl myself, the same- or worse- would happen to me.

Eventually, after a long day, I head to bed, but not before taking one last wistful look at the suitcase in my wardrobe, the suitcase that contains my 'other life'.

The following day, as always, I dress in my plain shirt, trousers and blazer and get dropped off at school by my mum whilst my sisters dress in their skirt, blouses and cardigans and get dropped off at primary school by our dad, and as always, I'm greeted by (and spend all of my free time with) my six female friends, before heading home with dad, Bryony and Cassie just after 3pm. Tonight, however, is special, as tonight is Wednesday, which means that when I get home, I don't change into jeans and a t-shirt, but instead change into a tight white t-shirt and black leggings, ready for my ballet class tonight.

"See you later, twinkle toes," dad sighs as mum and I leave the house and get in her car.

"Mum," I ask as we drive off. "You- you ARE okay with me studying ballet, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," mum says with a smile. "Don't pay any attention to any teasing from your dad, if this is what you enjoy doing then it shouldn't matter whether or not your father approves."

"Yeah, but he'd obviously be happier if I was out playing football," I sigh.

"You do still enjoy doing ballet, don't you?" Mum asks. "I wouldn't want to be shelling out good money for something you don't enjoy..."

"Oh- no, I do still enjoy it," I say. "And I get to hang out with all my friends, and dance with them..."

"Well, at least it'll make your dad happier, knowing that you're only doing this to attract girls!" Mum laughs. "Besides, your teacher's said that she'll have spots opening soon in her junior classes, and you know how much Cassie wants to join the class too... reckon you're teacher will give us a discount for having two siblings in the same class?"

"Couldn't hurt to ask," I say, making mum laugh as I arrive at the studio. As always, I smile when I see my six friends stroll into the studio with their hair tied into tight buns and their bodies covered in soft pink tights and dark blue leotards, but inside I feel my heart wrench, such is my desperation to join in their side of the class. Whilst I'm learning the male steps, they're all learning specialised steps to prepare them to dance in pointe shoes, like proper ballerinas.

A few months from now, they'll have their pointe shoes and will be in the advanced class, and whilst I've been told I'll be able to join them in that class, I'll still be in my t-shirt and leggings.

"Still thinking about quitting?" Nicole teases Priya as we leave the dance studio.

"...As long as I can still fit it around my homework!" Priya giggles as she pulls on a loose cardigan and flimsy dance skirt over her leotard and tights. "I'm really, really excited about the pointe shoes!"

"Me too!" Suri squeaks, before sighing sadly as she sees me smiling at the six girls.

"Aww," Laura sighs, coming over and giving me a quick hug. "You know, if you asked Miss Fullerton, I'm sure she'd teach you pointe as well..."

"Or you could just tell your parents that you wanted to wear this to the dance class," Harriet says, playfully stretching the fabric of her leotard.

"Yeah, but you're all nearly ready for pointe shoes," I sigh. "I'd have to take loads more months before I was ready..."

"Better late than never," Priya shrugs. "And I'm not just talking about ballet..."

"Rajkumariyom!" I hear a familiar friendly Indian accent call from the reception area of the dance studio.

"Gotta go, don't want to keep dad waiting," Priya laughs. She, Suri, Laura and Nicole all go to leave, but before they do, Suri returns and wraps me in a tight hug, squeaking happily as she squeezes my body.

"See you later, girlfriend!" The Indian girl whispers, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving with her sister and her friends. I climb into mum's car a short while later, and as we head home, I muse on what Priya said- 'better late than never'. The thing is, though, I may not be able to wait much longer.

Laura takes a special pill every day that blocks her production of male hormones, effectively preventing her from going through a male puberty. When she grows up, she'll grow up to be a woman. Obviously, I'm not taking this pill myself, so when I grow up, I'll grow up to be a man... And that day is rapidly approaching.

One day, my hair and my face will suddenly start sprouting hair, my muscles will grow, my shoulders will widen... And any chance I ever had of being a girl will vanish in an instant. I'm pretty sure they don't make pointe shoes in size 12...

I wake up the following morning and run through my usual routine- pulling on my school trousers, being dropped at the school gate and immediately becoming envious of my six friends in their grey school skirts. As always, I barely talk to anyone in the classes I'm in, but hang out with my six female friends at break and lunch, meeting up with them again later in the evening for our second ballet lesson in as many days.

Yet again, I enter the dance studio with my t-shirt and my leggings on my body and a smile on my face, and yet again my heart breaks when I watch the girls stroll into the studio wearing their soft pink tights underneath their dark blue leotards. Unlike last night, however, tonight I know that there'll be something I can do about it when I get home, as I won't be going home alone.

"Come on!" Suri urges as she all but wrestles me onto the back seat of mum's car. "In the middle, you know you love it!" I laugh tiredly as I squeeze myself into the middle seat whilst Suriya and Laura take seats either side of me, just like when we're sat around our table at school.

"It's so good of you girls to come over and help Ashley with his homework," mum says as we set off.

"Honestly, I don't mind," Laura says. "Anything to help our favourite boy!"

"Or favourite 'honorary girl'!" Suri whispers into my ear, making me giggle quietly. When we arrive home, the three of us head up to my room (pausing first to do a few quick ballet steps for Cassie, who absolutely adores Suri and Laura). Once we're inside and my door is shut, Suri heads straight to my wardrobe and pulls out my suitcase, opening it and pulling out a pair of pink tights and a pale blue leotard very similar to the ones she and Laura are wearing right now.

"You know the rules," Suri laughs as she hands me the delicate garments, before leaving me alone in the bedroom. I quickly strip off my t-shirt and leggings, leaving me only in my androgynous-looking white briefs, before pulling on the soft pink tights. Even though they're a skin-tight piece of legwear like my leggings, they couldn't be any more different in the way they feel on my legs. The leggings are thick, warm, practical... The tights are soft, caressing my skin rather than clinging to it. Once my tights are smooth and straight, I step into the leotard, shaking with excitement as I bunch it around my waist before stretching it over my torso, finishing by putting my arms through each armhole and smoothing it over my body. After wrapping a flimsy dance skirt- similar to the one Priya wore yesterday- around my waist, I cough, signalling to Laura and Suri that they should re-enter my room. Once the two girls see me in my dancewear, they immediately surround me in a tight group hug, with Suri repeatedly kissing me on the cheek.

"My bestest, bestest girlfriend!" Suri squeaks quietly. "Come on, we need to get some make-up on you, and fast!" I giggle and offer little resistance as Suri and Laura lead me to my mirror and apply a small amount of mascara and pink lipstick to my face, and once they're done, I stare at my reflection and sigh happily- I am truly indistinguishable from any of the girls I saw at my dance class earlier this evening.

"Now come on," Laura giggles. "Hope you're not too tired from your 'real' dance class."

"Yeah," Suri agrees as the two girls sit down cross-legged on my bed. "Show us your moves!" I smile as I turn my feet out into a perfect first position, before dancing a few quick steps, much to the girls' obvious delight.

"Ahh, you are SUCH a girl," Laura says, giving me a hug as I join her and Suri on my bed. "You know, you could do that twice a week for 'real' if you wanted, you know what you have to do..."

"Yes, yes," I sigh. "Laura... Do you think you'd have ever come out to your parents? I mean, you always told me that your mother 'sussed you out', am I right?"

"Yeah," Laura whispers. "Just before the final term of primary school, she just comes out and asks 'do you wish you were a girl'? Obviously, the only answer to that is 'yes'."

"What, you know, 'clues' did you drop?" I ask.

"I only ever hung out with girls at school," Laura says. "I never showed any interest in male stuff, I only ever liked girls' things, girls' activities..."

"Sounds familiar," I sigh. "You're so lucky..." I wince a little as Laura stares at me, clearly not agreeing with what I'd just said. "Um, I mean, to be asked that question..."

"S'okay, I knew what you meant," Laura says with a grin. "You know, asking for pointe shoes could act as another 'clue' to your parents..."

"One they'd probably ignore," I snort. "Besides, I'd still be months behind you girls..." My nose scrunches up in confusion as Laura and Suri giggle at each other, before Suri reaches into her bag and hands me a wad of photocopied pages.

"Here," the Indian girl says, her giggle only getting wider.

"What's this?" I ask, flicking through the pages- which are clearly ballet-related.

"All of our 'pointe preparation'," Laura says. "Exercises and stuff. Some of it's fairly advanced but there's a lot you can do by yourself, in your room, to strengthen your legs and your feet."

"Oh my god," I squeak girlishly. "This is so cool, thank you so much!"

"We would've got it done earlier, but we had to wait until we were back at school to get access to a photocopier," Laura explains. "Doesn't seem right that we all get to be ballerinas but you don't. I like to think that I'm living proof that it doesn't matter how you were born, you can still be a beautiful dancer..."

"And you are!" I giggle, giving Laura a hug before Suri playfully shoves the blonde girl out of the way.

"Let his ACTUAL girlfriend give him- sorry, HER- a cuddle!" Suri says, giving me a hug of her own.

"You know," I say to Suri, "if hell did freeze over and I did tell my parents... You'd have to become a lesbian to still be my girlfriend..."

"Oh, whatever," Suri laughs. "It's not like we're allowed to have sex anyway, what difference does it make?"

"And you know, Nikki Thomas's girlfriend still went out with her after she came out," Laura says, referencing the eighteen year old girl who she views as her idol. "You know, your story's a lot like Nikki's, Ash. Dressing as a girl in secret, aided by friends behind your parents' back... She turned out fine in the end, nothing to say that you won't either!"

"I know," I laugh. "I read Nikki's columns, she's really cool... But she was sixteen when she came out, I'm only twelve, my parents wouldn't take me seriously..."

"You'll never know until you try," Suri says quietly, making the whole room pause for a brief second. "Um, we promised your parents we'd help you with some homework, guess we'd better get on and actually do some..."

A short while later- after having removed my make-up and my dancewear- I wave my friends off at the front door, sighing sadly as they depart- though I'm not sure what I'm most sad about, Laura and Suri going, or my latest 'girl time' ending.

"Come on, son," dad laughs as I try to slink upstairs. "Sit down, I need to talk to you for a second."

"What's up?" I ask as I sit down opposite dad, nervous that I missed some trace of my make-up when I was removing it.

"You know you'll always be our firstborn, right?" Dad asks. "You'll always be our special man."

"Yes, I've kinda figured out that I'm the oldest of the four of us," I say, making dad playfully hurl a cushion at me.

"What I'm trying to say is..." Dad says, before sighing. "When- when Dorothy is the age you are now, you'll be 22, not just our special little man, but a man full stop..." Like I need any more reminders, I think to myself. "And..."

"Is this about Suri?" I ask. Worse yet, is it about 'girl time'? Has dad somehow figured it out?

"No, no, it's not about Suri of any of the other members of your 'harem'," dad chuckles.

"Is it about ballet?" I ask. "Or only having female friends?"

"No, no- gah," dad sighs. "This... This can wait until tomorrow, the weekend. It's almost nine... You should get to bed soon. But think about what I said- soon, you WILL be a man, with all the responsibilities that involves... Your mum and I hope that you will grow up to be a RESPONSIBLE man. A good man isn't defined by how many girlfriends he has, but how he treats the one woman he loves, her and his whole family."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be getting Suri pregnant any time soon," I say, making dad hurl yet another cushion at me.

"Damn right you're not," dad laughs. "I refuse to be a granddad at the age of 34! You're no less of a man if you wait until you're sixteen, regardless of what anyone says."

"Um, this is a fun talk dad, but- no offence- was there really any point to it?" I ask, chuckling as dad looks around for another cushion to throw, only to find that he's run out of cushions on his sofa. I actually make him laugh as I hand back one of the cushions he threw at me earlier, only for him to immediately hurl it at my head.

"Stop that!" Mum chastises the two of us.

"Oh, he's got a hard head," dad laughs. "He may spend his evenings doing ballet but he's got his old man's skull, if nothing else."

"What were you two talking about?" Mum asks, an air of actual concern in her voice.

"Good question," I say, laughing as dad pretends to throw the entire sofa at my head.

"Just- um, trying to have a man-to-man," dad says. "As Ash grows up, he should adopt more responsibilities around the house, 'earn his keep', you know what I mean?"

"He's only twelve!" Mum says. "Though... You're not entirely wrong, especially... This is something we can talk about tomorrow. God and get ready for bed, Ash."

"Can do," I say, heading upstairs and changing into my plain boy's pyjamas while I try to make sense of what dad was trying to tell me. It wasn't a botched attempt at 'the talk'- we'd had that months ago, after I'd started going out with Suri- and if mum wanted me to help out more around the house, she'd have just come out and asked me.

I decide not to worry too much about the talk as I settle down to bed, my thoughts occupied by the soft, delicate dancewear I'd danced in mere hours before, and that I can't wait to wear and dance in again...

Like any other schoolboy, I have a smile on my face as Friday dawns- not just because it's the last day of the school week, but because it means I can try to put behind me my sheer frustration at the injustice of having to go into school every day in a pair of grey trousers when my friends all wear skirts. Of course, the weekend always ends, Monday always rolls around and my frustration always begins anew, but as I arrive home with dad, Bryony and Cassie, I can immediately tell that this weekend is going to be different. Before we're allowed to change, the three of us are sat down on the sofa (with me also being given Dorothy to hold) as mum and dad stand in front of us with very serious expressions on their faces.

"Kids, there's something very important we need to tell you," mum says, and immediately my heart sinks as one thought- and only one thought- enters my mind: my parents are getting a divorce. They've been disagreeing a lot lately, mum's been feeling under the weather, dad's been more thoughtful- as he showed last night- been acting a lot more serious, especially when it comes to money...

"Your mother and I," dad says, making my heart beat faster. "We..."

"...We're having another baby," mum says, making Cassie squeak excitedly and even making the normally-dismissive Bryony gasp with wonder.

"I'm going to be a big sister again?" Cassie says, bouncing up and down and nearly shaking me out of my seat.

"Yes you are!" Mum says with a wide grin. "And so is Dorothy! You're all going to be big sisters- well, apart from Ashley, of course!" I force a laugh out, but once again, even at this happiest of times, inside I feel cold and empty. Once again, through no fault of my parents, I've been 'left out'- Bryony, Cassie and Dorothy will all get to be big sisters, but once again, I'll be a big brother whether I like it or not.

It's only as I go to bed that a thought dawns on me- when dad talked to me yesterday about me being his 'special man', I assumed it was an attempt at some sort of father-son bonding, but it was to prepare me to yet again be an older sibling, be another 'man of the house', as I'm the only male other than dad who lives here... But who's to say that nine months from now, I won't have another sister, but rather another brother, another boy for dad to fuss over and take to the park to play football, or take to Loftus Road to watch QPR play? Who's to say that nine months from now, there won't be another boy to take on the role of the other 'man of the house'? When he's old enough for that responsibility, anyway.

Of course, my hopes could all be in vain- I had these exact thoughts two years ago when Dorothy was born, and even five years ago when Cassie was born and I was just seven years old, I was having these thoughts. Now, however, it's different. Now, I've tasted life as a girl, thanks to my friends, and I want more. I KNOW I'll be a better big sister to the new baby than I would be a big brother... All I need is the courage to tell my parents that that's what I want to be.