I wrapped Stella in a blanket and made myself a sandwich. I began to wonder what awful thing I’d done in a past life to deserve all the punishment that seemed to land on me. Then I thought I should count my blessings–I had plenty to be thankful for; one of them lay sleeping on my sofa, another was on the way to help and the third was yet to phone back. As I thought this, so the phone rang.

“Hi, Babes, what’s happened.”

I explained the situation to Simon, who swore and then said, “Do you want me to come down?”

“I don’t know, Tom is on his way, but I don’t know if he will be able to cope with Stella. He wants to take her back with him.”

“No, definitely a no-no, I’ll ring Dad, he’ll organise taking her home, Monica can look after her.”

“Monica is back then?”

“Oh God, yeah. She was only away for a couple of days, they do this to each other every now and again. She’ll be in her element looking after Stella for a bit. Tom might have to keep an eye on her for a day or two, can you cope with them both under your feet?”

“I expect so.”

“Good, look if Dad can’t organise something for a few days, I’ll come down and watch her. I know you need to finish your course thingy.”

“Running my summer school, yes, I need to finish that.”

“I’ll ring again later.” He rang off and I settled down to my tea.

The doorbell rang and I answered it, Kiki bounced all over me and Tom smiled, dropping his overnight bag just inside the door. He hugged me and asked where Stella was.

We sat talking and drinking cups of tea until about midnight, when Stella stirred. She needed the loo, so I helped her to the cloakroom. She was quite unsteady on her feet. After that, I made her drink a milky coffee and eat a biscuit. She was still very vague about everything. Asked where she wanted to sleep, she nominated my bed. I shrugged my shoulders and Tom muttered something about sisters.

We got her up to my room and I helped her undress and pull on her nightie. Then she got into bed and zonked. My head was still spinning when I got to bed–thinking about how I was going to cope with all this, how would Stella take it in the long term, and the realisation that I’d never see Des again. Okay, he wasn’t my favourite man, but he was a friend and I’d miss him. The last thing I was worried about was the dormouse film, that would take care of itself, one way or another.

I woke up feeling like shit. I had slept but not very well. Every time Stella moved, I woke up–presumably worried she might do something to herself. The alarm went off, and I staggered to the loo at seven. I staggered back to the bedroom and Stella was lying there looking at me.

“You look like I feel,” she said.

“Thanks, Stella, that has really made my day. How are you?”

“Better for the sleep, but he isn’t coming back is he?”

“No, I’m sorry, he isn’t.”

“How will I cope?”

“I don’t know, but somehow we’ll muddle through.”

“Yeah, I suppose so. I never seem to be able to keep a man, something nasty always happens.”

“I’m sure things will improve one day.”

“Can’t see why. Besides, Des was special–I’ve always loved him.”

“Yeah. I’ve got to get showered and dressed. Tom is here, so you won’t be alone.”

“Oh yeah, I remember now, just before I came to bed.”

“He was here then, yes.”

“So he’s my baby-sitter is he?”

“No, he’s a good friend who cares about you.”

“I know. I’ll try not to annoy him too much.”

I went and showered and then talked with her as I dressed. Then she showered quickly while I waited for her. As we got downstairs, Tom was coming in the door with his dog.

After breakfast, I drove to Gloucester, but the bounce I’d felt yesterday had gone. I no longer wanted to be there, I wanted to be back with Stella and Tom. I thought it best if I told the class what had happened and apologise in advance if I seemed distant or anything. They all sympathised and said they’d help me through it. I burst into tears, they were so kind to me. After a quick, spontaneous coffee break, I got myself together and taught the course. At times it was really tough, some of the best slides I had were taken by Des. He was an ace photographer.

We looked at more ecosystems and the effects of global warming. Then at the end of the day, we went to look at the motorway. Without special permission and all sorts of safety equipment and procedures, you can’t go near a motorway except in a car. However, for all I needed we could do it while standing on a footbridge over the tarmac death trap.

Having assembled there, I took a moment to deal with my sudden upsurge of grief–Des had died on a motorway–before continuing the lesson. Despite the enormous numbers of birds and animals squashed on our roads, motorway verges were a huge facility for wildlife. There was little disturbance from man except the noise of the traffic whizzing by at seventy miles an hour (or more). Many of the banks were planted with trees or bushes creating mini habitats, they were often planted with wildflower seeds and all the species of trees were native ones.

We discussed what we could see, miles of grassy or shrubby embankment where people weren’t allowed to walk. Apart from the noise, they really did offer some degree of refuge. We watched a kestrel hovering above the bank, looking for large insects or small mammals.

We considered food chains, predators, pollution and so on. I considered, that in a classroom this would soon become tedious, outside it had its own magic and once again they thanked me for adding to the lesson.

I left on time and dashed back home. Simon was there with Stella, Tom was out walking his dog. “Hello, Darling,” I said and kissed him briefly. I didn’t want Stella to feel deprived of her relationship. Simon seemed to understand.

“Des’ parents are coming over in about half an hour, I hope that’s all right?”

“Of course, I need to dash out and get some cake or something.” I grabbed my bag and was halfway out the door when Simon suggested no one would want to eat much. I didn’t care, I was brought up on the basis that hospitality reflects upon the host. I jumped in the car and raced off to Morrison’s. I was back twenty minutes later with a bag full of cakes, some fresh bread and something for sandwiches.

“What’s all this for?” asked Simon.

“It’s a contingency.”

“For what, a nuclear war?”

“No, silly.” I kissed him quickly, “It’s in case anyone needs to nibble something.”

“I know what I’d like to nibble,” said Simon, gently chewing my ear.

I pushed him off, “Simon, a good friend of yours has just been killed, behave yourself or at least show some decorum for Stella and his parents when they arrive.”

“Spoilsport, what a time to show you’ve grown up!”

I slapped him on the upper arm, “Behave.” He gave me a good demonstration of a sulky pouting child and sloped off back to Stella. I arranged cakes on plates and put them up where I hoped the dog couldn’t reach.

The bell rang and Simon answered the door. I stood in the kitchen doorway, waiting for the kettle to boil. Moments later Simon came and insisted I meet Des’ parents. Reluctantly, I went with him.

“This is my fiancée, Cathy, whose house this is. Cathy, this is Dave and Sue Lane.” I shook hands with them and they thanked me for allowing them to come and meet Stella at my house.

“Goodness, it’s nothing, Des came here several times and we talked about his films and things here. I’m delighted to meet you. Now, who’s for tea?” With that I scuttled out to my kitchen to make tea and sandwiches.

Des’ father came out to help me. “Sue and Stella are doing girl talk, so I thought I’d come and see if I could help.”

“You could carry that through, if you would?” I indicated a tray laden with food and crockery. “To the dining room, if you would.” I carried through the large pot of tea, just as Tom arrived back with his hound.

Dave and Sue were lovely people and we all got on really well. There was the odd tear and we obviously discussed the accident. Kiki, kept us all amused and she persuaded most of us to give her titbits. The evening was actually very pleasant and we were invited to go and see them when things calmed down.

Dave took me to one side, “There’s a load of film and stuff at Des’ house, can you come over and see what may be of use to you for your dormouse film?”

“Dave, I’m a biologist not a film maker, I’ll contact the BBC and see if there’s anyone there who may be able to help.”

“Cathy, Des was very fond of you. He said, you were only the second woman who’d ever turned him down. So you were special, particularly because of your love of nature. Did you know he has a framed photo of you with a dormouse, in his office at home?”

“No, I didn’t know, nor can I think why?”

“This is to go no further than your ears,” he said very quietly.

“Okay, if you think I need to know.”

“It was you he wanted to marry, but he knew that Simon had got there first. He also knew he’d never get you to leave Simon.”

“He told Stella he loved her.”

“I think he did, but you were his first choice.”

“Dave, I wish you hadn’t told me that.”

“It will explain his will, when that is read a bit later.”

“What do you mean?”

“We have to go, Cathy. It’s lovely to meet you at last. Both you and Stella are really lovely young women. We’ll be in touch with the funeral arrangements.”

They left and as I cleared the mess of plates and cups, I couldn’t look Stella in the eye.