Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 8- 14, 2016

May 8, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Father Immer wanted to speak with me. He wanted to know why I did not join the choir again. I admitted to him that the choir was the most important part of my life and this was taken away from me. It was taken away from me when people were afraid of me because I was feminine and considered myself genderfluid. I told him that I never hurt anyone and yet was judged and kicked out. This confused me, as Noah was never kicked out and he made people's lives a living hell. Where was the justice?

I was proud of my outburst. Granny thought that I was rude and should join the choir. I did not answer her. I could have explained that there was no way I could do the choir when she was sending me to a military school. I could tell her that I have been living and acting like a boy and this does not seem to matter, she just wanted more and more. She wanted to control me. I could have said a lot. I did not. I continued my boycott.

As we were standing outside the Church, Annie came up to me and kissed me on the cheek. She smiled and told me that now they have something else to tease us about. I was speechless. I knew the kiss was just Annie showing the world something but for me…. I was on a pink cloud.

May 9, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie was teased more than me at school.

Granny was in a bad mood today. She was at her lawyers and it seems as if Aunty is also trying to get custody of us. Granny talked about how she was never proud of her daughter. She was always a troublemaker and used her money to get what she wanted. Granny was asking us what court would give Aunty custody of us. She tried to change me to a girl. She tried to murder our mom! I did not answer. I was thinking that the judge should ask us who we wanted. I did not want either Granny or Aunty. They were crazy.

Sarah told me later that she noticed that I was ignoring Granny. I explained the concept of boycotting someone. Sarah noticed my boycott annoyed Granny and she liked that. My sister had an evil streak in her! Sarah decided that she would boycott Granny as well. This would be interesting. Sarah always liked having the last word and could she be quiet?

May 10, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie was teased more than me at school.

Andrew also wanted to speak about the kiss. I was thinking that he may want to apologise. This did not happen. He just wanted me to know that he thought I was very cute and fancied me. He wanted to be my boyfriend. I should not have been shocked at this and should have seen it coming. I did not know how to respond. My first reaction was just to laugh. This must have hurt Andrew a lot as he told me that he was not joking and walked away. I did not try to find him. It was very brave of him to admit that it was very brave of Andrew to ask this. I just did not know what to say to him. In my defence, I was very inexperienced in matters of love. I was so confused about how I felt about Andrew.

When was at home, my mind was in turmoil. I wanted the ghost of Mum to visit me. This did not happen. I found some old photos and were looking at them. They were pictures of everyone in my family smiling. It made me realize how much I missed Mom and Dad. It is sad how things can change in one year. There were also many pictures of me dressed as a girl. You could never see that the girl in the picture was born as a boy. I was also smiling in the pictures. This was a strange feeling. I remember this time as a time when I was confused. I did not know if I was a boy or a girl. Yet in these pictures, I looked so happy. This made me think of the time when Sarah and I did the drag show. I remembered how I accepted that I was genderfluid and was happy. Things were so different now. Was I finally growing up and becoming wiser?

May 11, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Annie was bullied again. A group of classmates drenched her by pouring a bucket of water over her. Noah was of course the ring leader. Annie sat on the floor and was left alone crying. I tried to comfort her but she was in a world of her own. I could see how afraid she was. The teacher came and helped Annie. Annie was sent home. This made me so mad. I am sure that Annie was not the only one at school that wet the bed. Maybe it was even a problem that Noah had and this was why he was so mean. I know it's wrong to hate a person, but Noah does make this very hard.

When I was home, Granny told me that my teacher had promised to tutor me. I do not think I needed tutoring. Granny decided that I did. It would take my mind off of other things and make sure I had a good start at military school. What she meant was that it would make sure that I did not think of dressing like a girl again. I did not answer Granny when she told me about the tutor. This must have annoyed her. I bet she wanted me to get on my knees and kiss her shoes while thanking her.

Granny has been trying to be very nice to Sarah and me lately. This did not work. We no longer trusted her or wanted her in our lives. I did what she wanted and still do what she wants. I no longer show the world that I am genderfluid. I am the teenage boy that she demanded that I would be. Granny would try to be as nice as she wanted. It was too late. It was just not me. Sarah was still boycotting Granny. I think that she liked trying to make Granny go crazy.

May 12, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Annie did not come to school today and Andrew and me have been avoiding each other.

At home, there was WW3. Sarah was caught smoking at school. This made Granny so mad as she thought that it showed how bad Sarah was. Granny even suspected that Sarah took drugs. Sarah continued her boycott of Granny and never replied to anything Granny said or threatened. Sarah did not even respond when Granny made her usual threat of sending Sarah to boarding school.

Sarah told me later that she tried smoking with some older girls and did not like it. I want to believe her. I also was worried about her. Our life was in chaos and there seems to be little hope that things would be better. Is Sarah unhappy or is she rebelling? Would boarding school be the best for her and give her a structure and let her live in peace from the terror we have living with Granny? What can I do as her brother? Have I been so selfish in thinking about myself that I have neglected my duties as a big brother? Maybe boarding school would be best for Sarah.

May 11, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Annie told me that she was going to Bella’s school in the next term. I should have been happy for Annie. She was being bullied for something that she could not help. Bella has been happy at her new school where there was a zero policy for bullying. Students there were different and had different problems and yet supported each other. I am sure that Annie would be happy there. When she told me this, I told her that I was so happy. I asked her if she would still go if her bedwetting stopped. Annie nodded and said that she had to as she was afraid of going to this school.

I hid in my bedroom when I was at home. Life was not fair. Everyone in my life that I loved was leaving. Mom had died. Dad was in a padded cell. Bella was gone. Now Annie was leaving and I was going to a military school. Sarah was threatened with a boarding school and I know that she did not want this. Sarah and I needed each other as a brother and sister. We only had each other. I was wrong when I thought that boarding school may be good for her. Maybe this meant that we try to make Granny happy so she would not send us away. Maybe we needed to stop this boycott.

May 14, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I was at Bellas's house with Annie and Andrew. Annie was busy talking about starting at Bellas school. Bella tried to be happy and told Annie that she would be happy there. I did not say much. I think that Bella could see this as she gave me a weak smile to try to cheer me up.

When Annie went home, Andrew complained that he would be alone. Bella tried saying it would be the same for me. I would be alone in a military school. Then Bella made things without knowing it. She said I would miss Annie as she knew that I still fancied Annie.

Andrew and I looked at each other in silence when she said this.