Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 4 - 10, 2015

Today Dad said something strange on the way to Church. He said my voice would break and this would solve any insecurity I had. Then he looked at mom and said in a very loud voice it would also stop other people from having strange ideas about who I was. I looked out of the window and said nothing. Sarah took my hand and held it. I think it was her way of supporting me. Mom said that Dad should be more modern. She knew I was a boy and she knew that I was confused. Mom told Dad that the books said parents should be tolerant and let boys explore their feminine side.

Luckily, Billy asked everyone to change the subject and pretend we were a normal family.

It was also strange when I was singing in the choir. I suddenly felt like that I should not be in a church, I stole a cell phone yesterday, It happened when I was not thinking right and I was sorry that I stole it straight away. I was now a sinner and this meant that I would probably end up in hell. I knew that I should confess or do something. I just did not know what to do.

The USA bombed a hospital today. I think it was in Afghanistan. The world is screwed up. Innocent people do understand politics, and yet they die for it.

October 5, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I could not sleep very well. I dreamt that the police raided the house and arrested me for stealing the phone. They put me in a dungeon at a huge castle and thrown away the key. There was a dragon on a leash in the corner and he looked quite hungry. This was the fate of someone that stole a telephone. I would be eaten by some dragon.

School went fine, I was teased like I usually was. I tried to be cool and show them my new cell phone. If I was to have nightmares about it, I must also get some benefit from it. If I was going to hell, I had to let people think I was cool. Most just shrugged their shoulders. Others were a bit impressed. Bella did not know what to say except how did I suddenly get something that I spent ages wishing for.

Bella's grandmother noticed that I was not happy. She told me that we needed to speak. She just sat and looked at me. Granny didn't even ask a question and I just broke into tears and told her I was a criminal. Granny said she would tell no one. I had to listen to my guardian angel on what I should do. Then she told me I was too much of a boy and she thought that boys were generally brats. She told me in the olden days, boys were punished by making them wear petticoats and sometimes even tried treating them like a baby. My reaction was to say that this was child abuse. Granny did not listen. She was thinking about the good old days.

On my way home, I thought if Bella was being punished.

October 6, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today was a great day! Despite that, I woke up after dreaming I was going to hell. Everything else was perfect.

Mr. Lewis rang and said the first photoshoot will be this weekend. It would be in his basement. Mom insisted that she would be present, as she read so many stories on Hollywood abusing children. I did not mind that mom would come. I think I would have been very nervous if it was by myself. I wondered what it would be like to be a model. It would replace the picture of me that was in the newspaper that time of me wearing a dress.

A pack also came for me. It was from Alberto, the boy that I met in Greece. It was the teddy bear that he gave me and I forgot about it in Greece. Alberto wrote that he missed me. He hoped that we would meet one day. He did not care if I wore a dress. He wrote that he liked my personality and what was in my soul. He could only imagine that people around me could not understand and asked If I was bullied? He finished by saying the important part of being a teen is not trying to be cool, but finding out who one is and being happy.

The teddybear did not leave my side. I held on to him all day. I even did this when Billy told me to act my age.

October 7, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

The rumor that I would be modeling went all over the school. I think this had something to do with Sarah, that could not keep her mouth shut. I did not mind. It was as if I was famous before I actually did something.

I was speaking with Bella when Annie suddenly showed up. Of course, it was as if I was now in heaven when Annie noticed me. She asked if I was going to be famous. I honestly did not know. Annie put on the prettiest smile and said I should hang around with her. I told Annie in the most polite way that I am hanging around with Bella and she is welcome to hang around with us. Annie looked at Bella and told us maybe another day.

Bella smiled at me and thanked me for not forgetting her. She knew how hard it was for me to say no to the girl of my dreams. I thought Annie would never speak to me if she didn't think I was about to be famous.

October 8, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

After mom gave me the vitamin pill, she brushed my hair. She told me that she doubted I would be famous and not be disappointed if fame did not happen. She read in one of her books that most that done modeling did not get fame. It should be considered as an experience. Mom added that being famous does not solve problems.

Our teacher Miss Applewing also wanted to speak with me. She told me that she noticed that I was teased and bullied. She suspected that it was my long hair and that I was so small.

“I suspect that you are having an identity crisis,” she said, “ I also suspect that many people have their own views on who you are. Listen to me, there is only one person that can decide who you are. This person is you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.”

October 9, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I woke up with pains in my body

After school Bella and I were talking when her granny was taking care of us. I wanted to tell Bella about the cellphone, but the words would not come out.

Then we joked about Miss Applewing, mostly how old and ugly she was and old fashioned. We joked that she still had her Halloween mask on. Then I became serious and said that Miss Applewing was very wise. I said that she spoke with me and knew the problems I had. She did not judge me or tell me how I should be. She said it was up to me and not others. I told Bella that I was happier when I was a girl, but being a boy was easier at the end of the day. People did not judge or tease me when I was a boy or think I was some strange freak.

I gave Bella a hug and told her I knew the rumors that were going around the school that she was really a sissy or transgendered, which is the nicer word. I whispered to Bella that I did not care. We were best friends and it didn't mean anything if we were male or female. She had my support.

Bella laughed and thanked me, but assured me that she was not transgendered.

October 10, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

The first photo-shoot came and after baths, brushing my hair, and other hygienic preparations, we went over to Mr. Lewis. I was more excited than on Christmas day! I wondered if I could keep the clothes that I modeled.

Mr. Lewis told us to sit as he had to explain the photoshoot.

“This is no normal photo-shoot,” he said, “ I was asked to take photos that show that children your age still have bladder problems and that there is no shame in wearing diapers. Now I will understand if you do not wish to do this, and even if you do the company may not use your pictures in an ad. I will understand if you want to wait until a new photo-shoot that is more normal. The choice is up to you.”

He left mom and me to discuss it afterward. Mom reminded me that I would mostly be teased if people saw the pictures. However, I thought maybe I can help someone that has to wear them. Maybe I could help them by saying they were not alone and it would get better.

I told Mr. Lewis that we could do the photo-shoot and that we wanted to see the pictures after to decide if they should be used by the company. Mr. Lewis said I was brave.

So for the next few hours, I had a diaper on. The diaper has butterflies on it and the back was pink. It was a girl's diaper! I decided to be professional and did what he told me. Half the shots were with pajamas on, and the other half was just with the diaper. After a while, I forgot all about it. I was playing with the dollhouse Mr. Lewis had. I felt like I was a toddler and it was like my mind was emptied and I could just have fun. I was disappointed when he said that he had enough.

Before we went, he asked us to tell him soon if we did not want the pictures used.

This was not the model experience that I expected. Did I really want to be famous for this?

To be continued