Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 3-April 9, 2016

April 3, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

All my girl clothes and anything that was girly were gone. I knew it was Granny that did it. It was her revenge for the talent show that Sarah and I performed at. Besides that, she did not like that I was genderfluid. She made it no secret that she thought that she thought that made me a bad person. Granny did not like Sarah who wanted to dress like other girls her age. She wanted Sarah to dress like a little girl.

So there were now my old boy clothes in my room. It has been ages since I wore them. The embarrassing thing was that because I was so short, they still fit me. I went to my aunt and told her what happened. At first, my aunt was grunting a lot and cursing about Granny. Then she calmed down and told me to just play along with it and not give Granny the attention she wanted. Aunty promised me that she would solve it. I figured if anyone could deal with Granny, it would be Aunty. I know Aunty supports me. She helped me discover that I was genderfluid.

I went to Church dressed as a boy. I no longer like Church. Father Immer kicked me out of the choir. I am sure that God hates me and thinks I am a sinner for being different. I think that everyone smiled when they saw me dressed as a boy. They most likely think that I found God or it is good I have a granny to guide me.

Sarah was very mad that everything was removed from my bedroom. She said that Granny had no right to change me. She also said she hated Granny. I wanted to tell her that she should not hate anyone. I could not say this as I hate Granny as well.

April 4, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

School again and I was dressed as a boy. This caused me to be the centre of attention. Annie asked me why I looked so... normal. She asked me if I was feeling more like a boy or no longer genderfluid. Noah butted in and told me that I was not fooling anyone. I did not look better than I did when I was feminine. He told me I was still very small and a wimp and my long hair and earrings told everyone that I was a sissy hiding in a boy's uniform. Noah always knows how to make me want to cry. I know that I should not listen to him, but there is an element of truth in what he says.

Annie begged me not to cut my hair.

Sarah gave me one of her dresses to wear. It reminded me how sad I was that my clothes were gone. It's also embarrassing that my younger sister's clothes fit me. I did not complain. Sarah was just trying to be a nice sister and to cheer me up, I wore the dress then we practised dancing thinking that it would be fun to enter a new talent show.

Granny stormed into the room and ordered me to take off the dress. I know Aunty wanted me to keep quiet and not say anything. I could not do this. I told Granny that I knew she hid all my things. I demanded to know where they were. I told her that I was finally happy accepting that I was different from others my age. The fact was that I was gender fluid. If she could not accept this, then that was her problem. If she loved me, she would give me back my things and accept me for who I was.

Granny replied "We will see" and stormed out. I suppose this was her way of saying that she did not love me.

Sarah and I searched the whole house for my clothes. We could not find them. We could hear Aunty and Granny shouting at each other. I knew they were fighting about me.

April 5, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Dad seems to be getting worse. He is still not back at work. He never speaks with us. He either is sleeping or drinking all the time. I can understand that the woman he loved just died. She was his best friend and he missed her. At the same time, did he not understand that she was our mom and we missed her a lot. We needed our father. It seemed wrong that it seemed to be our responsibility how we should help him. He was the adult and should be there for us... especially Sarah.

When I came down for breakfast, Granny asked me did I wet the bed. I gave her one of my patented Allie looks that showed her that I did not want to speak to her. She gave me one of her bad looks and said that she knows when things did not go my way or when someone said "no" to me, I always started acting like a baby. I showed her my middle finger.

After school, Sarah told me that she wanted to do a video with me. We could dress in drag and record a video for youtube. I thought this was a great idea. So we planned what we should wear and what song we will sing. I remember when Sarah was such an annoying sister. Now we had a lot in common and we had fun together. She was always the person that loved me for who I was and not what I wore.

We were telling Aunty about the video. She thought it was a great idea. Granny told us that we were forbidden in doing a video. Who cares what she thinks?

I could not sleep. I was figuring out how I would get my things back. I did not have money to buy new clothes. The only thing that I could wish for was that Dad or Aunty would stand up to Granny. Aunty had loads of money, maybe she could buy me new things.

April 6, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I tried telling Dad that Granny took my things and I needed her help. I tried telling him that she needed to leave the house as she was the queen of drama and unhappiness. Dad did not answer and just looked at a picture of Mom. I knew that I was not going to get any help from him. I just shouted at him telling him. "thanks for your support! It looks like I lost a Mom and a Dad."

I was sulking in my room when Granny came in. She told me that I was not to say anything to her and just listen.

"When I came here," She said, "I was shocked. You were dressed as a girl and Sarah was wearing a miniskirt. I found out that Billy did drugs. You were a drag queen and a diapered sissy. What was worse is that Sarah looked like a drag queen. So I did take your clothes away and everything that made you a sissy. I know you want them back. I am the adult here. We cannot depend on your Dad that is now a vegetable. Your aunt is a crazy woman that should not be around children with her immoral ways. So this is what will happen. You will now be a normal teen boy that is a good Christian. You will not be a sissy or one of those gays. You will do as I say. I can see by your face that you will not do this. If you decide to defy me, your life will be hell. I will also send Sarah to a boarding school to teach her how to be a lady. So it's up to you. Listen to me or Sarah goes to boarding school."

I know that Granny could do this. Dad would not stand up to her and Aunty could not do much. I also know that being at a boarding school would devastate Sarah. She needed her friends and family. This is Blackmail from Granny. Could she be arrested for this?

April 7, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up realizing that Granny's threat to send Sarah to some school was not a bad dream. I had a decision to make. I went into Sarah's room before breakfast and asked if she would ever want to go to a boarding school. Sarah was not smiling and told me that she hated the idea. Granny already asked her if she wanted to go to a girls boarding school and learn how to be a lady. "I know I would be so unhappy," she said, "I would feel as if I was being sent away because no one wanted me and everyone there would be snobs. I would miss my family and friends. I would rather live under Granny's evil dictatorship than be sent to a place where I would be so unhappy."

I loved my sister. Maybe if she was sent, she would be happy. Maybe she would meet new friends. We are always afraid of big changes that we do not know a lot about. What was I thinking? I also heard Granny talk about this school. It would be a school where Sarah would learn etiquette, be a lady and be submissive. It would destroy Sarah's spirit.

After school. Sarah asked if we should do the video. I told her that I did not want to be in it or dress in drag. However, I would help her do it. We decided to do a Madonna song. Dad loved Madonna so it could cheer him up. We picked a song that Madonna sang about her mother who died when she was 5. "Promise to Try" was a nice ballad. We worked all evening recording and editing the video. It had Sarah singing and pictures of Mom. We dedicated the video to our mom.

When I was in bed, I could not sleep. Aunty and Granny were fighting.

April 8 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

You would think that wearing boys' clothes at school would help my reputation. I suppose that my reputation was so much in the gutters. I was still teased or ignored. I told Andrew that even with boy's clothes, I would still be the weird one at the school. Andrew said that bullies like short boys and one day I wore a girl's uniform, and the other day I wore a boy's uniform. Everyone knows that despite I was wearing a boy's uniform now, I could be wearing a girl's uniform tomorrow.

Annie visited me after school. We were talking in my bedroom. I told her what was happening. She was shocked that Granny took my clothes and was now blackmailing me. I told her that I did not want Sarah to suffer. I tried convincing Annie that I was happy enough being a boy. Annie had tears in her eyes and said that so many people tried to make my life a living hell by not accepting who I was. She admitted that she was just as bad as my granny when she treated me like a doll. I told Annie that was the past. We all do bad things. She was now my friend and that's all that mattered. Granny stormed in the window and told me that I should not have a girl in my bedroom at my age.

Annie may have learned and become a better friend. Granny was too old to become a better person. Later, I could hear her and Aunty fighting again.

April 9, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Sarah jumped on my bed and woke me up this morning. She told me that Aunty was gone. I got up and saw that Sarah was right. All aunties things were gone. She did not even say goodbye! Why did she leave?

At breakfast, Granny told me that she thinks it was a good thing if I got my hair cut. I was about to protest when Granny looked at Sarah with an evil look. I did not say anything.

Later Sarah asked me why was I such a wimp. Why did I not stand up to Granny? Sarah knew that I hate being a boy without a chance to be more feminine sometimes. She knew that I liked having long hair. I always had long hair. What could I say to Sarah? I could not tell her that Granny blackmailed me, and I would rather Granny be evil to me if she just left my sister alone.

My mother is in heaven. Aunty was now gone. Dad is still in la la land. Bella is far away. I could not be honest with Sarah. I felt so alone.