“Are you like that because your mommy or daddy was a beringer, or did you decide to be a beringer after you grew up?”

 

Mx. Herschel laughs. “I’m glad you think I look that young! No, when I was born I had a girl type body — almost everyone had a girl or boy type body back then. I was several years older than you when I told my parents I didn’t want to be a girl, but they didn’t like that, so I didn’t get to change into a beringer body until I was eighteen.”

It’s raining the next day, so after he finishes his homework, Sebastian plays Evacuation! for a while. He’s been playing for about an hour and has his island nearly evacuated, with twenty hours until the volcano erupts, when Zoe reminds him he hasn’t looked at the list of names and pronouns she sent to his tablet.

“Oh, yeah. I guess I’ll do that now.” He pauses the game and flips over to the document list, where Zoe has added a report.

First there’s a list of the pronouns that people with lopez type bodies go by, with the percentage for each. They/them is most popular with 47%, followed by sie/hir at 39% and a bunch of less popular ones. Then a list of the most common names used by people with lopez bodies. Several of them are names used by kids at school, or characters in books he’s read, but there are a few he’s never heard of, or knows only as common nouns, and he thinks some of them are pretty neat, like “Ocean” and “Surimond.”

Then the beringer. 86% of them use fae/faer pronouns, with none of the other options used by more than 3% of beringer, and their favorite names are a similar mix of popular girl and boy names and weird, cool names Sebastian hasn’t heard of. He thinks one of Daddy’s friends might be called “Taysan,” but Sebastian is supposed to call faer “Mx. Rollinson,” so he’s not sure. He’s pretty sure Mx. Rollinson isn’t a beringer, though, because fae has breasts.

Sebastian’s head is reeling by the time he gets to the last bit, where Zoe wrote that those are just the most popular names and pronouns, but most lopez and beringer have names that aren’t on the most popular list, and he can pick whatever names — or pronouns — he likes best. He decides to ignore that part, because what good is the list if it doesn’t help him narrow down his choices? And a lot of the names on the lists sound cool.

“Can you show me the pictures of lopez and beringer types again?” he asks. Zoe projects them on his bedroom wall, and he thinks about them some more. He likes the way the the beringer looks, without any sticking-out bits, but something occurs to him. “How do they pee? Does the pee just come out of the vulva? It looks like it would be messy.”

“Most types with both a penis and a vulva urinate through the penis, and can stand up to urinate like parr. Types with no penis such as girls or beringer typically sit down to urinate,” Zoe says. “They need to wipe their vulva or urinary opening with toilet paper, front to back, to clean up afterward.”

“Oh.” Sebastian feels kind of dumb now, like that should have been obvious. His head is getting tired. “I’m going to play Evacuation! again now.”

“Very well. I will inform you when your father is finished making supper.”

After studying those anatomical diagrams, Sebastian is noticing little differences between the adults at school that he never paid attention to before. His fifth grade teacher, Ms. Griffin, wears pants that are loose in the crotch, unlike the other two teachers whose classes have recess at the same time. All three of them have breasts, so he guesses that Ms. Griffin is probably a heikki or merck, and the other two are girls? Or one of the thousand-plus other types that Zoe didn’t have time to list. When the fifth-graders are going back to their classes from recess, they pass a janitor in the second- and third-grade hall, cleaning up some vomit. The janitor looks kind of like Daddy, except they have wide hips like the fifth grade teachers. So maybe lopez? The bus driver, who Sebastian has always been a little scared of, is taller than most people and has a big beard and thick hair all down his arms. Maybe an elzinga? Sebastian was reluctant to ask Ms. Griffin or the janitor what type they are, but he’s absolutely terrified to ask the bus driver.

He still doesn’t say anything about what he’s thinking to his friends at school. He’s glad to hang out with them at recess and lunch and talk about TV and games and comics and get his mind off the big decision Daddy needs him to make.

A couple of days later, on Friday, Daddy invites a beringer he knows from work to come over for supper. Mx. Herschel is pretty, with long black hair on the left and short white hair on the right. Fae’s wearing tight white pants and a loose black shirt. Fae kind of has a theme going there.

“Hey, Sebastian, this is Mx. Herschel,” Sebastian’s daddy says. “Fae’s here to answer your questions about being beringer. And eat supper, of course. Speaking of which, I’d better get back to cooking!” And he goes back in the kitchen, leaving Sebastian alone with faer.

“Hi,” Sebastian says shyly. “Um, is it okay if I ask what your first name is?”

“I’m Monroe,” fae says. “Your daddy said you’re thinking about changing to a beringer or lopez type?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure. I might decide to be an inframale like Daddy, but I’m leaning toward beringer, only there’s a lot I don’t understand yet. Um, are you like that because your mommy or daddy was a beringer, or did you decide to be a beringer after you grew up?”

Mx. Herschel laughs. “I’m glad you think I look that young! No, when I was born I had a girl type body — almost everyone had a girl or boy type body back then. I was several years older than you when I told my parents I didn’t want to be a girl, but they didn’t like that, so I didn’t get to change into a beringer body until I was eighteen. I got my friends to call me Monroe and use fae/faer pronouns for me from the time I was fifteen, though.”

“Oh.” Sebastian thinks hard. It seems like all his questions have gone right out of his head. Finally, he catches one before it flits away: “Why did you pick beringer? Out of all the other choices?”

“Well, I didn’t like my breasts, and I didn’t want a penis. I thought they were gross.”

Sebastian doesn’t mind his penis, it’s fine, though he agrees that the big hairy penises on some of the types do look really gross.

“And I didn’t want to be a mother, though I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t want to be a co-parent for a child someone else birthed, and I liked the fact that beringer don’t have periods.”

“Periods? Like at the end of a sentence?”

“Oy!” Mx. Herschel calls out toward the kitchen. “What have you been not telling this kid?”

“It’s your job now,” Daddy calls back. It sounds sort of like he’s joking, though Sebastian can’t always tell. “Or Zoe. You can get Zoe to tell him anything you’re not comfortable talking about. ”

Mx. Herschel heaves a big, dramatic sigh. “Well. Girls and lopez and merck all have the internal organs for having babies, right? And once a month — at least for girls, although I think some types do it every six or eight weeks — those organs sort of get ready to have a baby, and then usually they don’t end up having one, of course. And when they’re cleaning up afterward from their dry run preparations, blood comes out of your vulva. People of those types usually wear something absorbent and disposable to soak up the blood on those days of the month. There are several options, but basically, the point is that beringer don’t have that. Our vulva isn’t connected to organs for having a baby, so we don’t bleed and we don’t get the other period issues some girls and lopez and merck have, like cramps and headaches.”

Sebastian made a face. “That sounds gross. I don’t want to be a lopez.”

“Well, there are girl variants that look the same outside, but don’t have baby-making organs inside. I’m pretty sure it’s the same with lopez and merck variants. And even if you having baby-making organs, you can have them turned off when you’re not trying to have a baby.”

Sebastian considers. “I guess. But I think I’d rather be an inframale or beringer.”

“Supper’s ready,” Daddy calls out. Perfect timing.

They talk a little more about gender types during supper, but after about twenty minutes, Daddy and Mx. Herschel start talking about work, and Sebastian loses interest. He quietly asks Zoe to send some information about inframale types to his tablet, and reads and studies the anatomical diagrams for a while. The penis on the grown-up inframale doesn’t look as gross as the one on the elzinga; it’s smaller and doesn’t have all that hair around it, but it still doesn’t feel quite right. On the other hand, he likes that they don’t even have nipples, and he likes the overall shape.

After supper, they play Miracle Racetrack in four-player mode for a while. Zoe handicaps her reflexes so she can play fair. When the second game is over, Mx. Herschel asks Sebastian if he has any more questions.

“You said your parents didn’t want you to stop being a girl,” he asks after a few moments' thought. “Did they get mad when you changed as soon as you were grown up?”

“Yeah,” Mx. Herschel says, looking serious. “I’m glad you’ve got a good daddy who’ll support you whatever type you pick. My parents came around eventually, but it was tense between us for a few years.”

Sebastian nods. “Thank you for answering my questions.”

“No problem! If you think of any more, just have your daddy call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

When Mx. Herschel has gone out to the bus stop, Daddy asks, “Have you decided yet?”

“I think I’m going to be a beringer. But I want to think about it some more.”

“Okay. I know you’ll make the right decision. And if you change your mind later, well, the Department of Medicine will pay for one type change per year. So if you decide you don’t like being a beringer, you can change to inframale or lopez or whatever else you want in January.”

The next day, Saturday, Sebastian and Daddy get up early and eat breakfast, then take the bus and subway over to Mommy’s townhouse. One weekend a month, Sebastian spends a couple of days with Mommy and Stella, and two weeks later, Stella spends a couple of days with Daddy and Sebastian. Daddy says goodbye to Sebastian when they get to Mommy’s townhouse, and Sebastian goes up to her door by himself.

“Hey, Sebastian, give Mommy a hug!” Mommy says as she opens the door. Sebastian hugs her, and they go inside. “Stella, Sebastian’s here,” she calls out, and Sebastian’s big sister comes out of her room to say hi.

“Hey, Sebastian. You ready to go to the water park?”

“Oh,” Sebastian says. The water park would be great, except he’s not sure he wants to go out in a big crowd wearing his makeshift parr swimsuit. “Yeah, that sounds fun.” He doesn’t want to spoil Stella’s fun by sounding reluctant.

“We’re leaving as soon as Hadley gets here,” Mommy says. “She texted a few minutes ago and said she’s on her way.” Hadley is Mommy’s new girlfriend; they’ve been dating a few months.

“Come on,” Stella says. “Let’s put your suitcase away and we can play a game until Hadley gets here. How about Miracle Racetrack?”

“Yeah, that’s cool.” Sebastian wheels his little suitcase into the room he stays in when he visits, which has some of his clothes already in the drawers and closet, and then joins Stella in her bedroom where she has a couple of game consoles. They’ve played two rounds of Miracle Racetrack when Mommy calls out, “Hadley’s here, kids!”

“We’re almost done with this round,” Stella calls back.

“Five minutes,” Mommy calls out.

A bit less than five minutes later, they finish the round (Stella wins again) and go out to say hi to Hadley. Sebastian realizes for the first time that Hadley is probably a heikki or merck — she’s wearing pants that are tight down her legs but loose in her crotch, and there’s a slight bulge where a penis would be. So why is she Mommy’s “girlfriend” instead of her “heikkifriend” or “merckfriend”? Sebastian isn’t sure if it would be polite to ask. “Good morning, Hadley,” is all he says for now.

“You kids about ready?” Mommy asks.

“I’ve got my bag packed,” Stella says. “Sebastian, you ready?”

“Yeah, my swimsuit and flip-flops and towel are in a bag inside my suitcase. Hang on a second.” He goes to his room and grabs his swimming bag, then returns to the living room, where Hadley and Mommy are talking.

Mommy wants to check Sebastian’s bag to see if he remembered everything. “Sunblock, check; towel, check, flip-flops, check; swimsuit... oh, sweetie, you’re growing up!” She’s holding up the girl’s swimsuit top.

Sebastian blushes hard. “Don’t want to,” he mumbles quietly.

“It’s perfectly normal, sweetie,” she says, hugging him. “Nobody’s going to make fun of you for it.”

“I don’t like it,” he says. “I think I want to be a beringer or maybe an inframale like Daddy.”

“Beringer... which one is that, Peri?” Peri is her household AI.

“A type with no reproductive organs, semi-masculine build, no body hair. Further details you asked me not to speak of in front of children have been sent to your tablet.”

“Sweetie, are you sure you want that? Being inframale would be much nicer. If you were a beringer, you wouldn’t be able to have children.”

“It’s too soon to ask him to start thinking about having children,” Hadley says before Sebastian can think of what to say. “He has years and years to think about it and maybe change his mind. Or should I say faer mind?” she adds, turning to Sebastian.

“Dunno yet,” Sebastian says, not meeting her eyes. He wishes they would stop talking about it.

“Well, we have plenty of time to talk about it later this weekend. For now, let’s get going!” Mommy says. A few minutes later, they’re on their way to the water park.

On the subway, Mommy reads something from her tablet, her face twisting into a frown. Probably whatever Peri wanted to tell her that she wasn’t supposed to talk about in front of kids. Sebastian wonders if there’s something bad about the beringer body that’s going to surprise him because nobody wants to talk to a kid about it? Of course, it could be something Daddy or Zoe or Mx. Herschel already told him, and Mommy and Peri are just being squeamish. What was that Mx. Herschel said? Some of the types have... something named for a punctuation mark... a comma? Whatever it was, it sounded gross. But beringer don’t have that, so why is Mommy frowning?

He chats with Stella and Hadley until they get to the end of the subway line and get on a bus to go the rest of the way to the water park. It’s not much farther, and Sebastian mostly looks out the window on the way from the subway station to the park. When they get there, they go in the changing room. It’s a big U-shape, with rows of lockers on the outer sides and rows of private changing booths in the middle. Most of the changing booths are occupied; Mommy tells Sebastian and Stella to take the two empty ones first.

Sebastian doesn’t take long to change into his slightly mismatched swimsuit. He’s nervous about going out in it, though. The last couple of times he went swimming at the apartment complex with Daddy, there was either nobody else there, or just a mommy with her little toddler, too mature and too young to comment on Sebastian’s weird makeshift parr swimsuit. Now, though?

After a minute, he works up the courage to open the booth door. Stella is standing there in her one-piece swimsuit with Mommy, Hadley having presumably gone into one of the other booths.

“You look really nice in that,” Mommy says. Her praise makes him feel funny.

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

“Y’all stay put,” she says, going into the booth that Sebastian just vacated.

Sebastian is alone with Stella for the first time in over an hour — since Mommy pulled out the swimsuit top and embarrassed him. Stella asks, “Do you want a hug?”

Sebastian nods mutely. He hugs Stella back, ignoring the boy, or maybe an elzinga, stepping out of one of the booths and heading out the exit.

“So I don’t really get what’s going on,” Stella says. “I got the impression it was a bad time to ask questions when Mommy was talking earlier. Is it okay if I ask now?”

“I’m a parr, 'cause Daddy was a parr when he and Mommy had me, but I don’t like growing breasts so the doctors are going to make them go away. Only I don’t know if I want to be a beringer or an inframale or just stop like this for a while until I make up my mind.”

“That’s cool. Whatever type you want is fine with me. I’m staying a girl for now, but I think I might want to try being a heikki like Hadley when I’m older.”

“Oh. That’s cool too.”

“My friend Selicia at school, one of her parents is a beringer, I think. The other ones are a girl and a heikki.”

“Cool. I met a beringer that works at Daddy’s company. Fae was nice.”

Hadley comes out of her booth then, wearing a two-piece with a skirted bottom. “You kids excited for the water slides?”

“Yeah!” Stella enthuses. Sebastian forces a smile. He’ll probably enjoy it once he gets over the nervousness about crowds of people seeing him.

Another door opens and a Hispanic merck or heikki comes out. They aren’t wearing a skirted bottom like Hadley, but a loose bottom similar to Sebastian’s, only fitted for their wide hips and big butt. They’re accompanied by a small child, maybe three or four, who’s bouncing up and down excitedly. They say something affectionate in Spanish to the little tot. Sebastian’s Spanish isn’t good enough to be sure, but he thinks they’re telling the little one to be patient.

Sebastian’s mommy comes out of her booth then, followed a moment later by the merck or heikki’s partner, a boy, accompanied by another small child. They take their kids' hands to lead them out into the park.

“Okay,” Mommy says, “let’s get everything stashed in a locker or two and we can go have fun getting soaked.”

So they do. Stella is out the door first, followed quickly by Hadley and Mommy. Sebastian hesitates on the threshold for a moment, then reminds himself that the other people using the changing booths didn’t stare at him or anything, and most of the people in the park won’t either. He pushes himself and steps out into the sunlit park.

No one turns to stare at him, except Stella, who’s looking impatient. “C’mon!” she calls out.

Time to ride some water-slides.

My new short fiction collection, Gender Panic and Other Stories, contains 253,948 words of transgender fiction: seven short stories, seven novelettes, one novella, and two short novels. Six of the stories (including both novels), 163,318 words, have never appeared online before. It can be found at:

• Smashwords (epub)
• itch.io (epub, pdf, and mobi)
• Amazon (Kindle)

You can find my other ebook novels and short fiction collections here: