He's all dressed up and drunk. After the embarrassment of the Gents, can he brave the Ladies?   The Floral Tales Part 4 - Havoc By J Morose

Introduction

This story is based on a real club that existed in Southport, England in the 80's and early 90's. The events and characters areentirely fictional.

This story contains political incorrectness, intolerance, swearing, sexual references and the usual vernacular references as made by teenagers when their parents are out of earshot. If you want a Disney piece, this is not for you.

The story centres around two teenage boys, their girlfriends and their underage exploits when attending the local rock club.

He's all dressed up and drunk. After the embarrassment of the Gents, can he brave the Ladies?

• May the blessings of the day be upon you and yours
• And many thanks for all the encouraging comments
• Apologies for the typos, J

Part 4 - Havoc

From part 3...

She spun him round and her and Freya took positions either side. He supported himself by draping his arms across their shoulders. He was drunk. His dad had always told him to drink standing, then you can stop when you feel your legs get wobbly.

“Upright!” Kev slurred. “Not goin' to the girls bogs though..”

“It's either the girls or you wet yourself.” said Anya, “and I'm not going home with you stinking!”

“Shite!” They wobbled off in the general direction of the ladies convenience.

Floral Hall – Saturday 10:02pm

They stopped just outside the ladies toilet. Luckily, for them at least, there was not the usual queue out of the door.

“Ready?” said Anya, glancing at Freya with a smile, “One, two...”

She manoeuvred him through the door and into the ladies. “...and we're in!”

“Shite!”, mumbled Kev, “Gonna get chucked out for sure...”

They manouvred him towards an empty stall and with much effort managed to get him seated on the throne.

“Right, sort yourself out, we'll be right outside...” said Anya.

“...and close the door!” added Freya.

He slammed the door shut. 'safe, for now' he thought. 'But for how long'.

Meanwhile, outside, Anya and Freya took the opportunity to tart up their makeup.

“Think K'll be all right?” said freya, mindful to use just kev's initial to prevent attention been drawn to him.

“Yeah”, replied Anya, “give him 10 minutes, just needs to go and get his second wind...”

“You know best...” Freya was applying makeup with the determination of a Redskin warrior applying war paint.

“Awww, is she a Floral Virgin?” asked another woman, jockeying up to the mirror. It should be noted here that a 'Floral Virgin' was a title that was given to someone who was here for the first time. “You can tell, you know, not enough black...”

Anya grinned. “I can definitely confirm her virgin status, 'she' has never been here before!”

“Judging by the state, I'd say she's having a good night!” said the woman, “Well, gotta go and see my man, later...” and off she went.

Kev was listening while this exchange was going on, struggling with the tights and skirt again. Not a bloody Floral Virgin' he thought, 'And why the girls calling me she?' His sulk resumed, churning thoughts through his head.

This went on for about five minutes, Kev eventually deciding that he had best pretend to be a girl in here, as discovery would yield unknown penalties that he did not wish to pay. Also, he was happy that he was not getting the comments and innuendo he experienced when he was in the Gents earlier.

“You done in there?” It was Anya's voice.

“ah'umm..” he muttered softly, trying not to shout out and give the game away.

“Well, finish up, we've got to repair your face...”

Kev realised that Anya was doing her level best to look after him. Earlier, it went through his mind that she was doing this just to make him look a twat, for cheap laughs, but he was becoming accustomed to his attire somewhat and, together with the inebriation he experienced, decided that he was going to enjoy the night and to hell with what anyone thought.

With that thought in mind, he started on the process of getting his lower half covered again. 'Bloody girls, how do they cope with this shit?' he thought as he wrestled with the knickers and tights, poking his finger clean through the crotch of the tights. 'Oh well, not like I've not seen girls with holes in her tights here before...'

Feeling better and eventually dressed, he stood up gingerly and exited the cubicle.

“'Bout time”, said Anya, “C'mere and let me sort yer face out”. She gestured toward the other side of the room, where there was a counter with some sinks in it and a huge mirror above. This was way different to the Gents. First, it was not flooded, second, no urinals and third, there were mirrors. Oh, and there were women in there too. He did not note much on entering, keeping his head low to avoid discovery. He made his way over to the mirror, adopting a waddling gait usually reserved for sailors, cowboys and the standing inebriated.

Anya fished various items out of her bag and started on Kev's face, first wiping off most of the earlier stuff with wet wipes and then reapplying lipstick, eye shadow and other stuff.

“There, done!” she said a few minutes later, “Good to go! Can you walk on your own or do you need help?” she grinned.

“Be fine.” Kev mumbled and started on his way out of the ladies. 'Level cleared!' he thought, '+3 experience points!'.

-

Meanwhile, Stu and Wanger were back at the table adjacent to the dance floor, singing along to Shakin' by Wolfsbane.

“Nurse I'm sick, on you that uniforms just right, my thermometer fits, your mouth real nice....” they wailed along with the song. It was that time of night, where themed songs were played. They had already done Doctor Doctor by UFO and Doctor Rock by Motorhead.

Wanger caught sight of Kev and the girls across the room. “Hey! Kev's back in the land of the living...”

“Cool, shall I sort him a drink?”

“Nahh, leave it for a bit, he's had enough fer now.”

“Fair dos.” said Stu, getiing back into their catawauling. “We go round and round and up.....”

-

Kev made his way past the bar, which was now 4 people deep, towards the table where Wanger was sat. He saw his friends and lurched his way there, closely pursued by Anya and Freya. Stu waved and grinned.

Kev and the girls sat round the table. Stu was glad to see that Kev had brightened up a little.

-

A little while later and after a pint of Coke to jolly him up, Kev as starting to feel quite relaxed. He had spotted several 'nurses' around the place and it was starting to fill up with people. His inebriated demeanour was now 'happily pissed' and as such he sort of started not concerning himself with his attire at all and got stuck into his usual banter with the others. The DJ was playing 'Doctor feelgood' by Motley Crue.

“So whats all this talk about custard then?” said Anya.

Kev and Wanger replied at once, “Never underestimate the healing powers of Custard...”

“Eh?”

“'Tis the yellow nectar of all things good, cures owt....” said Kev.

“made me what I am today....” said Wanger.

Freya shook her head. “The halfwits are at it again.” Freya was of the opinion that 'wit' multiplies, not sums, therefore two halfwits make a quarter wit rather than a full wit, and seven halfwits made a town council meeting, having less than one percent of the wit of the average person.

“Turned me into a newt...” Kev was at it again.

The song ended and the DJ appeared on stage.

“Good evening Southport!” He shouted.

“Fuck off!” was the generic reply from about 500 people giving him the finger.

“It's Doctors and Nurses night!” he continued, completely unfazed by the usual response that had become one of the Floral rituals. “We need some medical help, are there any nurses in the house tonight?”

Several people raised their hands, both male and female, but all in nurses outfits.

“Anyone up for the nurse yard of ale competition?” he continued, “We've got all this lovely beer to give away...” He gestured towards a substantial stack of cans.

“Get up there man, win us some beer..” said Stu.

“Yeah Grammy, running a bit low on the old funds man, go win us some ale..” said Wanger.

Anya shook her head. Kev was not one to shirk a challenge. His state id not accommodate rational thoughts, so he said impulsively “Yeah, why not, got to be some benefit to being dressed like this”.

Anya knew now that he was completely oblivious to everything, focussed only on the free beer, which was the goal of every cash strapped teen on a night out.

Kev got up and was escorted to th stage by Wanger and Stu. He was lifted bodily by Stu onto the stage, which was some four feet above the dance floor.

There were several others of both genders appearing on stage and soon there was eight of them up there, Kev, two other girls and the other five were most definitely blokes.

“We got eight nurses!” shouted the DJ. “lets have your names...”

He went down the line with his mic and presented it to each in turn.

“Dave!” said the first.

“Baron von Biscuitbarrel!”

“Stable Daan!”

“Julie!”

“Kev!” The DJ paused.

“Kev? Thats an odd name for a girl Kev, “ said the DJ.

“It's me own..” said kev.

He continued down the line until the end.

“Ok, so we have five blokes in dresses, two girls and a Kev.” he continued. “The winner gets 24 cans of beer, second, eight and third four..”

Kev looked down at the people on the dance floor. It seemed that there were hundreds staring up at him. He spotted Anya and Freya sat at the table.

“Who wants to see how the nurses do with a yard glass?”

“Show us yer tits!” came a shout from the crowd.

“Show us yer hairy tits!” came another.

The bloke at the end, who had said his name was 'dave' lifted his dress andd gyrated. “Suck me love chunks!” was his reply. The DJ laughed. This was usual fare for the Floral.

Kev was embarassed by the attention of all those staring faces, but the lure of free ale had gotten the better of him again.

The DJ produced a yard glass. For those of you that do not know what a yard glass is, it is a glass trumpet about thirty inches long with an eight inch glass ball attached at the narrow end. The yard glass holds three pints of beer.

Filling the yard glass, the DJ proclaimed “Fastest wins, are you ready?”

there was much cheering from the crowd. The sounds of a beating drum was playing across the PA.

The DJ handed the glass to 'Dave', who held the glass aloft. “Ready......go!”

Dave placed the glass on his lips and drank for dear life, putting about half of it down his front. He gave up with about half drank and wearing the rest. There was booing from the crowd.

The Dj went along the line, everybody making a good effort but wearing substantial amounts of beer sown their front.

He finally reached the girl standing to the left of Kev, 'Julie'. She did a shimmy and fared little better than the rest. Handing the yard glass back, she pulled open her dress, revealing a t-shirt and mini.

“Get yer tits out!” came from the crowd. She grinned impishly, but declined, raising her hand.

“Kev, your turn love”, said the DJ, handing him the refilled yard glass. The drum roll over the Pa was still there. Kev knew, from his dad's mates, that the secret to drinking form a yard glass was to incline it very gently and to rotate the glass to meter out the flow of beer. He raised the trumpt of free beer to his lips and drank.

“Down in one. Down in one...” came the usual chant from the crowd. He drank and drank. It seemed to take forever.

He had finally reached his limit and stopped drinking, removing the yard glass and sputtering out about a half pint of beer, which went over several dozen peeople that were crowding around the stage. “Bollocks!” he exclaimed. The crowd cheered.

The glass went to the remaining con testants, who fared little better. In the end, it transpired that Kev was second. The DJ presented him his beer, which he did not need, having had the far side of enough, but Kev took it and held it aloft. The crowd cheered!

“Show us yer tits!”

Kev, having had enough of this, reached into his top and pulled out the balled up fabric from within his bra and hurled it at the astonished crowd.

“There yer go!” he yelled. He jumped off the stage and staggered back to the table where Anya and Freya were waiting. He flopped down on a chair and deposited the cans on the table. The crowd were still cheering.

Anya looked at him. He was even more drunk, somewhat unhappy and incoherent. “You OK Kev?” she said.

“Leave me alone!” he slurred. He felt tired. He closed his eyes.

-

That was the last he remembered about that night.

When he woke, he had a very large headache and was stiff all over. He opened his eyes and found himself in his parents living room with his mother sitting in a chair by the window reading the Sunday newspaper, face like thunder.

To be continued.......