Safe at First -1-

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Safe at First

 

by

 

Paula Dillon

 

 

Daniel Crane was not the most athletic boy on his high school baseball team; as a matter of fact he was the smallest and almost effeminate. You would never even select him in pickup games during the summer. He was just a hair over five foot and hardly one hundred pounds. If you passed him up though, you would be making a big mistake. He was the best defensive short stop his school had in many years.

He was not a terror with his bat with an average of only .210 but his on base percentage was the third highest on his team, and he had the highest base on balls in the district. He was the bane of many opposing pitchers with his ability to foul off their most effective pitches. It was not unusual for him to make the pitcher throw ten or twelve pitches to him per at bat, wearing them out till he drew a walk.

On base they called him the Road Runner. He was third in the state in stolen bases in this, his freshman year. He was known to torment opposing short stops by flicking out his tongue and going beep-beep. He was the only person in the state to have stolen home and he had done that twice.

Debbie Crane, his older sister hated going to her brother’s home games. It’s not that she hated her little brother but she resented her mother insisting she attend and walk her little brother home after the games. At least her friend Shelley Brooks was watching the game with her this night. Her brother’s team won the game 3-2 thanks to her brother’s base running. Debbie could care less about baseball but she was glad that her brother had the respect of the team. He had been often picked on, called all sorts of names and generally had his life made miserable till he was able to demonstrate his skills. Now he was often carried off the field on the team’s shoulders. As her brother’s popularity rose so did hers.

Debbie and Shelley met Daniel at the locker room door and headed to their home they lived less than half a mile from the school. They always took a shortcut across the recreations grounds next to the school. Debbie always carried her cell phone out when they did this because one never knew. Daniel carried his glove and shoes hanging across his bat as they walked.

Daniel was the first to notice the noise off to the side. It sounded like a muffled scream near the football bleachers. They saw three guys who were apparently raping a girl. Daniel dropped his glove and shoes and carried his bat into the fray, while Debbie dialed 911. The girl was being held down by one guy while another was having his way with her, the third was watching and getting him self ready to take over. Daniel swung his bat like he never swung it before and struck the one standing on the side of his knee. The guy holding the girl down stood and caught the bat in a massive golf swing in the crotch. The guy who was currently indisposed caught the bat to his rib cage, the ribs on his right side crushed. The force of the blow rolled him off the girl and left him in a wreck on the ground.

Daniel surveyed the three. None were making any move to get up, and looked to the girl on the ground. Her skirt had been ripped up the front almost to her belt and her panties and panty hose ripped up. She has high heel boots on and her blouse and bra ripped open. Daniel not knowing what to do reached a hand out to her to help her up. The girl, a high school sophomore, in shock seeing a guy reaching for her raised one of her booted feet and kicked him sharply with the spiked heel of her boot in his crotch three or four times. Daniel collapsed on the ground blinding flashes of pain racked his body and he passed out.

Debbie comforted her unconscious brother as she talked to the 911 operator and Shelley ran to comfort the girl. It was not long before police and ambulances started arriving. When one started to cuff her brother Debbie tried to explain what had happened to no avail. She called her mom and tried to explain what had happened. They would not even let her ride with her brother to the hospital. She explained over and over what had happened till one had actually listened to her and called in to the police riding to the hospital. The detective’s initial assessment matched the stories of the two girls. Barbra Crane Daniel’s mom reached the scene of the crime and picked her daughter and Shelley up and raced to the hospital.

Barbra parked across two parking spaces at an angle and raced to the ER, doors open engine running, Debbie close behind. Shelley re-parked the car, took the keys, Barbra’s purse and locked the doors. They all three met up at the nurse’s station in the ER. Barbra was demanding to see her son. After several minutes of ranting and raising hell she was finally led to her son. Debbie and Shelley had to wait in the waiting room for the time being, where Detectives found them to take formal statements. It was up to Shelley to give the clearest statements at that time, because Debbie was so hysterical that nurses received permission from her Mom and the Admitting Physician to give her a tranquilizer.

Barbra made her way to where her son lay in ER he had two bags of a clear liquid hooked into one arm and one unit of blood in the other. His crotch was a bloody mess. His pants and underwear were cut off. Doctors were busily working in the area sewing up bleeders. Of the five in the ER he had come closest to dying from loss of blood. A cop was stationed near her son but he was no longer cuffed. Three other boys were not so lucky. The doctor gave her a quick assessment of his condition and had her sign a surgical consent form.

Barbra collected her daughter, and headed up to the surgical waiting room. Shelley with her parents Ken and Nina Brooks followed. They were all nervous wrecks as they waited for news about Daniel. Shortly they were approached by another lady.

“Hello are you the parents of that boy who helped the girl that was being raped?”

“I am, who are you?!?”

“My name is Terri Anderson; it was my daughter Gina that was being raped. I am so sorry about what happened to your son.”

“Get out of here! I don’t want to talk to you right now! My son came close to dying because of your daughter. Go!”

“I am so sorry, she didn’t mean to hurt him,” Terri cried as she staggered down the hall.

Ken Brooks headed off down the hall after Terri as his wife Nina comforted Barbra.

“Barbra it wasn’t Gina’s fault that this happened, and surely you can’t blame Terri. You know she had to be in shock from the rape and seeing another guy coming after her she just lashed out. It could happen to any girl. You know that don’t you?”

“I know Nina, but why did it have to happen to my Danny? He is such a good kid. He didn’t deserve this.”

“Neither did Gina, but we have to live with it. We will give you all the support we can, dear.”

Ken came back and said that Terri would be ok and she understood Barbra’s grief.

A doctor and nurse in surgical scrubs came into the surgical waiting room.

"Mrs. Crane?"

"Yes Doctor, I am Daniel's mother."

"What I have to tell you is strictly for immediate family only. Could I recommend the others stay here or go out for coffee?"

"Doctor, I need my friend Nina with me is that all right?"

“Ok would you come with me?”

We followed the doctor to a private office and sat at a table.

"Alright Mrs. Crane; Your son Daniel is in serious condition. He is stable for now; he has received four units of whole blood due to his massive blood loss. We are giving him antibiotics and fluids intravenously. We have given him medication to help ease the pain and have him on oxygen since he had been anesthetized for the emergency surgical procedures. In surgery we found that he had suffered four deep puncture wounds made from a round flat tipped object. This not only penetrated the skin, but also caused deep crushing damage. Both of his testes were damaged beyond repair and had to be removed. His penis suffered two penetration wounds; one at the base near the scrotum and the other, two inches higher. His urethra and many of the smaller vessels were damaged, also beyond repair. Luckily, the major vessel providing blood flow was not severed or crushed. What remains of his penis is receiving adequate blood flow to keep the remaining tissues and nerves alive for now. Now, Mrs. Crane, I need to inform you that your son Daniel needs more surgery and very soon. As soon as later today or at the latest tomorrow morning…

Our first recommendation is for Sexual Reassignment Surgery or SRS. We would take what is left of his penis and form a vagina, his scrotum would form a vulva, and the formation of a responsive clitoris in a procedure known as vaginoplasty. We would then suggest that he start on female hormones and he would develop secondary female characteristics. He will never be able to be a parent. At a minimum I would recommend SRS, it would be his only option if he wanted to engage in sex. Decisions about hormones can be made at a later date. I know that there is a lot on your plate Mrs. Crane but this is something better done earlier rather than later. I strongly recommend against doing nothing.

“When can I see my son?”

“He is in recovery now. In an hour or two we will be moving him to his room. You can see him then. He is really lucky to be alive. If the EMT’s had not come as fast as they had he might not have made it.”

“Barbra let’s go back to ER waiting room it is more comfortable, till he gets a room.” Nina said.

Barbra and Nina joined the others and the five of them, headed back to the ER waiting room. As they turned the corner the waiting room was full. The whole baseball team and their families had shown up with lots of other well wishers.

“Go take her back up there Ken I will go talk to them and tell them the news. Don’t worry, I will be discrete Barbra.”

Ken whisked Barbra and the kids away and Nina headed to the crowd. She recognized the coach John Conrad and got him to calm the crowd down, so she could talk to them.

“Daniel is in serious condition but is expected to recover. He received his injuries while attempting to rescue a girl who was being raped. He is a hero folks. He single handedly took out three older boys who were raping a girl. He is in recovery right now and it is unknown how long it will be before he can receive visitors. That is all I can say right now as soon as we know more I will notify the principal and coach. Thank you for coming, but please go home for now.”

Questions poured out from the group but the coach took charge, thanking Nina and shepherding the team and other well wishers out the door.

Nina saw Carol another neighbor in the crowd. She waved at her and said, “Carol can I talk to you a second?”

“Sure Nina, what do you need?”

“I need to stay here with Barbra can Debbie and Shelley spend the night with you?”

“Of course Nina they can stay with me.”

“Just ask your daughter not to pump Debbie to much, she had to be sedated.”

“Oh of course. I will make sure Arlene knows not to ask too much.”

Nina, Carol and Arlene headed to where the others were. Debbie and Shelley didn’t want to go. Barbra agreed that they didn’t need to be here right now, and that they could see Daniel tomorrow.

A nurse found them and told them that Daniel was being taken to a room. The three of them followed the nurse to Daniel’s room. On the way they saw Terri also being taken to a room.

“Terri please forgive my rudeness earlier, I was so worried about Daniel that I lashed out at you. I know it wasn’t your daughter’s fault that caused this to happen. How is she now?”

“She is heavily sedated and recovering from shock and you know what else. It is going to take a while but hopefully she can put this behind her and go on. Your son is a brave boy I want to thank him when he feels up to it.”

“I am not sure when, but I will be by.”

They were led to rooms that were across from each other. The two women hugged each other and went into their respective rooms.

Daniel was asleep in his bed. Barbra looked at her son laying there. Besides the bruises at the wrists and arms it was hard to tell that he nearly died and how much his life had changed in a split second.

On down the hall at the opposite end of the corridor three other boys were in their rooms. One crippled for life as his knee was destroyed and the bones were pinned together hopefully to save his leg. One was emasculated, forever to be a eunuch with a fractured pelvis, and lastly an athlete who will never be a runner anymore after his ribcage was pulverized on his right side. All three closely watched.

Across the hall Gina Anderson lay heavily sedated since she arrived at the hospital and thankfully unconscious when she suffered the indignity of a rape kit processing.

Around one a.m. Barbra fell asleep in the chair by her son’s bed. She had dream of Daniel, as her son and her daughter. It was not an easy sleep she struggled internally with her demons. At one point she felt that she was bound and could not move her arms. She sat up with start and noticed that she was covered with a blanket. It was six in the morning. Daniel was still asleep. Nina was asleep in another chair.

She got up and put a hand on Nina’s shoulder. She woke and looked up at me. We got up and moved farther from Daniel, and in a whisper, I asked her, “What do you think Nina.”

“I don’t see as you have much choice, Barbra but like the Doctor said the surgery should be done.”

“I know you’re right but I have got to tell him.”

A nurse came in and tried to wake Daniel up. I went to be by his side so he would see me when he opened his eyes. It took a couple of minutes, he was very groggy but he finally opened his eyes.

“Hi Mom, where am I?”

Barbra sat on the edge of the bed and held her son’s hand and stroked his hair softly.

“You’re in a hospital dear. Do you remember what happened?”

“Kinda I think. There were some guys attacking a girl and I fought em off. I turned to help the girl up and the lights went out. She ok?”

“She is just across the hall dear. Honey I have to talk to you now. You know you were injured right?”

“You aint kidding I hurt all over.”

“Well you had surgery to repair some of the damage last night to save your life. You’re going to have more surgery soon dear. Do you know where you were hurt?”

“Between my legs is where I hurt the worse.”

“Well honey, your genitals were damaged very badly. Parts were damaged so badly they had to remove them. I don’t know how to say this, but you will never be a dad, but you are lucky to be alive and I love you.”

Daniel looked crest fallen and tears started falling from his eyes but he put on his best face and asked, “What else Mom?”

“Well, your penis was damaged too and there is this surgery they want to perform. It is called Sexual Reassignment Surgery. They want to create a vagina with what is left of your penis, use your scrotum to create a vulva and create a sensitive clitoris. Do you understand?”

“It was that bad?”

“Yes Honey, it was that bad. I nearly lost you but now you are back.”

“Am I going to become a girl?” Danny sobbed.

“Only if you want to. You’ll be able to take hormones but that we can talk about later. We will be with you no matter what. Is that enough for you?”

“Is there a choice?”

“Yes, but it is not a good one. You are disfigured down there, but you are alive my.”

“I don’t like it but I guess we can’t have everything. I trust you Mom. Do what you think best. I don’t think I am thinking so clear right now.”

Daniel did not receive a plate for breakfast so Barbra was not surprised when the doctors showed up early. There were three this time a plastic surgeon, urologist and a psychiatrist. They chatted with us for about an hour telling Daniel about all that happened and about what they would like to do. He listened closely to what they had to say. They covered what they called ‘informed consent’ legalities. Daniel agreed to the procedures and I as his guardian singed the surgical consent forms. Daniel would be prepped for surgery in a little over an hour.

The psychiatrist stayed and talked about what happened. Daniel didn’t recall how he had gotten hurt and he showed concern about the girl he helped rescue. She questioned him about all sort of things, school, his friends, Daniel talked freely with her. She even asked how he felt about the surgery, what he understood and about how he is managing with what had happened.

The psychiatrist left and a nurse came in and gave Daniel a shot. Barbra gave him a kiss on his cheek as he was becoming very drowsy and his lights went out. Debbie arrived shortly before Daniel was wheeled away.

Barbra took Debbie for a walk to the cafeteria; this was as good a time to talk to her.

“Debbie, Daniel is alright but he is going back to surgery. He was hurt very severely in his genitals Debbie. He lost both of his testes and his penis was rendered useless. Do you understand Hun?”

“You mean the things that make him a guy are useless or gone?” Debbie asked tears forming in her eyes, her face full of emotion.

“Yes Debbie the surgery he is going to now will finish the job, he was badly deformed. They are doing a vaginoplasty on him now, or giving him a vagina and vulva.”

“Is he becoming a girl?”

“Only if he wants to, but he will have the outward appearance down there of a girl. He is going to go through some major changes none the less dear, and he will need us to protect his secret till he is ready to choose his course. He can either take hormones after he makes his decision. He had very little choice about the surgery due to the severity and location of the damage he had. He will never parent a child and never be fully a male or female. Don’t discuss his surgery with anyone. At least we still have him, he nearly died last night. He will need our support whatever he chooses, but it may be easier if he chooses to be a girl. He is going to need your help also to keep up in school he will not be feeling up to it for a month or two dear. I will need to talk to his school.”

They headed back to the room, flowers, cards and balloons had started to arrive. Barbra and Debbie crossed the hall to Gina’s room, Terri saw her and a smile formed on her face. Gina was lying in bed silently.

“How are you Barbra?”

“I am doing Ok Terri. This is my daughter Debbie she was there also last night. Debbie this is Terri Anderson it was her daughter you three saved last night. How are you doing?”

“Hello Debbie I want to thank you three for what you did for my daughter. How are Daniel and you two doing?”

“We are doing well as can be expected. Daniel had to go back into surgery but he is doing fair. How is Gina?”

“Physically she is doing well emotionally she could be doing better. She will probably be leaving tomorrow. The psychiatrist wants to keep her for another day. How long will Daniel be here?”

“At least another week He is back in surgery, to repair the damage. He almost died. His first concern on waking was how your daughter was. He doesn’t remember how he was injured. That is best for now. He doesn’t need to know, at least until he is better.”

“The police are to interview my daughter today and then the psychiatrist wants to talk to her later. She is awake but tranquilized right now. I think she was more traumatized when she realized she hurt the boy who helped her, than she was by the rape itself.”

“Let her know that Daniel doesn’t blame her. It is not much but it may help her. The police will have to wait two or three days to interview Daniel he won’t be up to it for a while.”

Barbra, Debbie and Terri chatted for a while longer and then returned to Danny’s room to wait.

For Barbra it was a long grueling wait. She was glad for Debbie’s company. She was very nervous but a little afraid to show it. She wondered what Daniel understood about the operation. She knew he heard the doctors, but with his pain meds and such she wondered if he really understood things. Close friends came and went, more flowers and such arrived. Daniel’s room took on the appearance of a flower shop. Detectives dropped by but were unable to see Daniel and said that they would be back in a few days, after assuring Barbra that they were not looking into charging Daniel with anything. Late that afternoon she received word that Daniel was in recovery again and would be back to his room in an hour or so. At eight that evening Daniel was wheeled back into his room.

He looked so pitiful laying there but Barbra was assured by his breathing and the monitors that were hooked up to him. The surgeon assured everyone that Daniel was fine. He came through surgery well, and that the surgery was flawless, scarring would be minimal. He would sleep the night through they were told.

Nina showed up and volunteered to spend the night with Daniel, almost pushing Barbra out to go home. She did look rather haggard she noticed looking in a mirror. So she and Debbie headed on home.


to be continued,

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Comments

Safe at First -1-

Danny has choices to make, but wht of the rapists? Will their parents cause problems?

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

This was a little

difficult to read with the twins in the room, but we helped them through it, the Rape scene was scary for them. But I think it helped them as i worry about them so much

Goddess Bless you

Love Desiree

Medical personnel ages

0.25tspgirl's picture

Graduate from high school at 17 years old. Four years of college (pre-med) brings it to 21. Four years of medical school moves it to 25. Three years of residency (some are 4 or 5 years long actually gets us to 28. Now your ready to practice medicine, at a basic level, not at a recognized expert in your field level. Douggie Houser is fictional, folks. A practicing psychiatrist with an independent practice at 25??? Nope. Sorry. Dr. Stephanie at 35 years old is believable.

BAK 0.25tspgirl

Safe at first

Geez Paula when you write you write dear. WOW what a thing to have happen, will Gina ever really understand what she did? Will Terri ever find out how her daughter ruined Daniels life, her savior? Will either be remorsful? Will Daniel come to grips with his new role? Will he survive the kids at school? Will the three boys seek revenge?

Questions questions questions. Looking forward to the next installation Paula well done.

Joni

PS see you at the GabyZone.

story needs more editing

there are a lot of incomplete sentences... I don't mean badly formed... I mean missing pieces... here is an example...

They saw three guys who were apparently raping a girl. Daniel dropped his glove and shoes and carried his bat into the fDanny, while Debbie dialed 911.

You can see there is at LEAST one Sentence missing here after the f.

Dayna.

plot device

Very nice so far except for the obvious use of the "plot device" ( Ireally don't think that the first thing (or second or any) is to turn a boy into a girl just because he's damaged down there. I notice that the older boy didn't get the same diag. (maybe not injured as much?) Anyway I think perhaps if the family knew of some leanings that way they could suggest it. But what do I know, I dodn't know anyone that was ever injured this way. If this is what they do, I think I'd (and lots of others) will start looking for some one to beat the crap out of me to get the same options.

Aside from the very neccisary plot device I really like the story pleas continue. Don't add to the list of "never completed" stories.

Thanks.

----------
Jenna

nice guys finish femme

Jezzi Stewart's picture

Good start! While this is the standard injury requires sex change device, you've added a neat twist with the hero stuff, adding a nice guys finish femme element for his (?) therapist to work on. I'm anxious to see what happens next.. How come the rapist that was neutered didn't get an SRS option?

"All the world really is a stage, darlings, so strut your stuff, have fun, and give the public a good show!" Miss Jezzi Belle at the end of each show

BE a lady!

SRS for rapist

Hiya,
I don't know if it's concern or curiosity but there seems to be a lot of interest in the welfare of the rapist. The way I see it a bat swung upwards into his groin would have caused major damage to the testes but the penis would have been able to be saved.

Can you imagine what would happen when someone capable of rape was given the option of a chance of a life as a male, albeit a sterile one, or as a female. Bear in mind that he will be spending the next part of his life imprisoned.

Why didn't Paula write all this? I guess she thought developing the main storyline and the hopes and fears of the main characters was better than getting bogged down in the details of someone who won't feature much in the rest of the story.

Hugs
Cat

Love the story so far...

I love this story so far and can't wait for the next installment.

Safe at First

Not bad, Paula.

The small boy baseball player who has his genitals destroyed is a plot device I've seen before, but what the heck, if it works...

I guess I had a little trouble visuallizing a boy standing still while a girl on the ground stabs his genitals four times with pointy heels. I also wondered at the severity of the damage, so much that reconstructive surgery to remain a boy was out of the question, but reconstructive surgery to become a girl was not. I could see it being bruised badly, even damaged, bloody, nasty, and hemorrhaging badly - but destroyed?

When Daniel beat the boys with his baseball bat, why didn't he call on them to stop first, or stop after disabling one, or strike them in less life-changing but equally effective places like the arm, leg, shin, etc? Any boy would know the effect of a full swing uppercut powerful enough to destroy a package, a blow against a knee, or one powerful enough to smash ribs. In short, Daniel went beyond simply stopping the rape, continuing on to actively punish the perps with his own justice. And all this while his sister was calling 911. I have no sympathy for rapists, but, while restraining himself from crushing them with blows to their heads, Daniel still became a very brutal boy very fast and became less of a true hero in my mind because of it.

The doctors' instant reaction, i.e. to make him a girl and start him on hormones, was also a little questionable.

Make no mistake, I'm not criticizing you on your plot device, but I might have wished for a more (to me) plausible scenario.

Gina does have a little 'splaining to do. Losing it totally like that and injuring your saviour is not not the most endearing feature in a (probably) 15 year-old girl. If I were Daniel, I would have a very hard time forgiving her.

Which brings up the second point: To catch my interest, I have to identify with the protagonist. If I don't like him very much or if I can't understand him, then I tend not to care about him. And not caring about the protagonist is death to a story.

I'm very likely to be a minority of one on this - and it certainly wouldn't be the first time - ;) but I don't really like Daniel very much because of his brutality, or Gina for losing it so completely under pressure that she destroyed the one who saved her, and I have a feeling that both of them will play key roles in future chapters.

Still, you are to be applauded for creating a new twist on an old device. You have the hero being punished for his good deed and the chance (I think) for Gina to make it up to him somehow. The tension between those two could become quite interesting as their relationship develops and changes.

I'll be looking in to see how you handle it.

Aardvark

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

Mahatma Gandhi

You have got to be kidding !

Yeah right. Let's see a small 14 year old yelling stop to 3 average 17-18 year old boys they chase after boy and beat him up. Boy could run then they have 3 15-16 year old girls to deal with. Disable boys or get myself and all the other girls in trouble now which am I going to choose. Let me think.

Then again boy could let the boys finishing raping girl and get away, then help her. Yes Daniel attack was brutal, no less brutal than the rape of the girl, but it was righteous I am sorry if I offend your sensiblilities. Gina How can you blame someone who is in shock for striking out.

After the Initial strike to crotch especially after the adrenaline rush started to slow receives a serious strike to crotch something like shock sets in. Daniel was out of it from the initial strike.

I am sorry folks you dont have to worry about me continuing this story. I thought this was a good story, I put a lot of time and effort into the story. I cannot understand the comments. I am sorry.

Paula

Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.

The Coda
Chapterhouse: Dune

While it is obvious that Dani

While it is obvious that Daniel could have done many different things, I don't feel his actions were that abnormal.

As for being struck four times in the groin...

In many cases of serve damage, the body actually shuts down the pain from the damage, it is called shock. So four fast blows at Daniel while he was in shock could have happened. Again, something else could have happened.

Most stories I read, both of the TG and non-TG type contain combinations of circumstances that one would not expect to normally see. I have often asked myself 'Why did she do that?" or "What was she thinking?" and have often wondered at how Fate combined chance to create the right environment for the story to grow.

It is fiction. And even though it is often said that 'Truth is stranger than fiction.' fiction is still a made-up story.

I lookk forward to your next chapter Paula.

Take care and accept Aardvark comment in the spirt I hope that they were meant.

Gerri

These were good comments...

erin's picture

Please contninue, Paula. No one meant anything but encouragement by what they said. People will speculate like this only when a story intrigues them.

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Maybe a disclaimer?

Hi Paula.

Believe it or not, I do like this story and feel that it should be continued. I am the sum of my personal experiences, what I've been taught, and the way my brain folds. Others, undoubtedly (obviously, with all the other comments!) will see things differently.

When you described Daniel as a small boy, fast and daring, you might have described someone small and weak who must run from bigger boys. You also might have described - the way I took it - a small boy, but fit, fast and strong enough to make the high school baseball team (not an easy feat, BTW) skilled with a lethal weapon, an aluminium bat.

I don't want to beat this to death and go back and forth on how reasonable and logical everything sounds. Sure, everything in the story could happen, although I still wonder about Daniel just standing there. If Gina was striking him so hard with her feet, wouldn't Daniel be pushed backwards, turn his body, fall down, cover himself, etc. after the first blow? (unless she went after him) I tried to imagine myself in his position and simply couldn't, but concede wholeheartedly that others might.

But I digress... And what's wrong with offending my sensibilities? I thought that might be more of a sign of success. After all, isn't a story supposed to get the reader involved? Nay, dear Lady. I meant to sling no foul slur against your tale. My contradictory comments are made by one who is known for speaking his opinion, sometimes bluntly - especially when he thinks a point of view might be considered that could improve the story or future stories.

What I say is certainly not cast in stone; it is simply my opinion, provided in the hope that it will be examined objectively by the author and accepted or rejected as she sees fit.

I left off my usual disclaimer with my last comment: "You are, of course, perfectly free to disregard any and all comments."

I mean this in all sincerity: continue the story.

Regards,

Aardvark

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

Mahatma Gandhi

Defending Danny and Gina

Aardvark,
I hope you are lucky enough never to see a reaction like Gina's or to be on either end of such a reaction. When I first read that part of the story I was shocked but as I thought about it I realised. She has just been subject to a brutal attack, expecting her to think rationally is unreasonable.
However I wonder how the overwhelming sense of guilt she is likely to have will affect her in the future

As for Danny, brutal possibly but his actions did disable the attackers and he didn't then continue to rain blows upon them after that. No more than I would have done in his shoes.

-
You can't choose your relatives but you can choose your family.

Point of view

I have read all the comments posted thus far and agree with the general consensus. I am wondering how you plan to develop the story and look forward to reading futher episodes.

I do have a further comment about your grammar. When you are telling a story you have to choose a point of view from which to tell it. You can choose to be god and know everthing (omniscient), which means you can tell what happens to any character and relate that character's thoughts. Or you can choose to tell the story from one character's point of view (1st person), which means you can only tell what that character did, said, saw, and thought. The character tells the story using "I" to speak about himself/herself. There are other ways of doing it (2nd person, 3rd person) but they are clumsy and not used very much.

You seem to start this out in omniscient as you describe how Daniel plays his game, how his sister relates to him and doesn't like to attend his games, and as you tell about his interventiion in the rape. But when the doctors come to speak to the family in the hospital, you suddenly slip into first person when you write: " We followed the doctor to a private office and sat at a table." There you are telling the story from the mother's point of view. Your story will go much more smoothly if you decide on a point of view and stick to it.

All the best and keep at it,

Wilma

Comments on Comments

I just wanted to add my $.02 -
Any author and any story is going to get comments. Some of those are going to be critisism. What I hope you will remember is that:

A LOT OF CRITISISM OF DETAILS IS GOOD!!!!!

It means that the people who read your story were interested enough in it to pay attention to the details. It also means that they were interested enough in what you wrote to try to help you do better next time.

I know that if I encounter a story that is so bad that I can't stand it, I just go to some other story. The only time I will take the trouble to write a comment is if I liked the story enough to want more.

So your story wasn't perfect. I, for one, want to see more of it. I also know that it is easier for me, as a third party to look at the critisism, than it is for the one who wrote the story. I just hope you can see the care and interest in your story that is benind the cirtisism. Remember, in writing as in most other human endevors, we improve with practice.

Kyosuke - "The wind may blow in many directions, but a dog has feelings too."

Kyosuke - "The wind may blow in many directions, but a dog has feelings too."

Wow!

erin's picture

Good to hear from you!

(Kyosuke is a good personal friend of mine who moved away a few years ago. He's also a very good writer and the author of one of the net classics of erotic fiction.)

Back to the topic. Look around the site Paula and at other sites, for that matter. The stories that get a lot of comments are the good ones, usually. Comments about one's writing are always so personal feeling but all of the criticism here was well-meant. The story has something, a flow and a feeling of real people interacting.

:)

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Well done Paula

Hi Paula,

Thanks for writing an interesting and thought provoking story.

I found the story had pace and added an interesting perspective to the normal genitals destroyed type plot.

You have heard from others about the grammar problems and the different views about should he should'nt he have used so much force etc..

This is your story and you should write it how you feel. I certainly do not know how I would react in a situation where I saw someone being raped. A young boy, certainly would be scared, shocked and unable to think too clearly in this situation. I do not for one moment think that he would worry too much or even think about the amount of force he was using against the perps. If it was me, I would try to make sure that they could not get up and cause more pain and suffering to me or of course the girl.

As for the girl striking out, this is believable under the harrowing circumstances. She was not to know who Daniel was. She was busy being raped at the time by more than one person and was obviously in deep shock.

The grammar points made by Wilma were fair. Writing is not an easy thing to do and we all make mistakes (see my stories!). It is good to learn from them and perhaps do what many writers do, get a proof reader.

Above all Paula, don't take my points or others to heart. The point of having a comments section is for you as an author to receive feedback from the people who read your works.

I love positive criticism as it help me to improve as an author. Destructive criticism (thankfully rare on this excellent site) I ignore and I hope you will do so to.

Anyway, get banging on the keyboard again as I can't wait to see what happens next.

Hugs

Susan

Just exactly the right thing!

Jezzi Stewart's picture

Having read all of the comments, I re-read the confrontation scene. I certainly don't see Daniel as acting excessively, rather the opposite. He knew what he was doing. He deliberately did enough to get the boys off her and keep them out of action but not kill them; there were three guys and three hits: The first was to the knee, a disabling stroke not a fatal one, the second stroke hit in the groin, because the rapist moved into it. The third, I don't know, but none were aimed at the boys' heads. And then he deliberately stopped - "Daniel surveyed the three..." and did NOT continue hitting them but, again deliberately, turned to help Gina, the real victim. My opinion: He acted with a maturity beyond his years in exactly the right manner given the situation. You keep this story going Paula, hear!!! :-)

PS - when I wondered in my previous comment why the rapist (his parents, really) had not been offered SRS, it was not for his benefit. He would hate being a woman more than being a eunuch, I would think.

BE a lady!