Dreamer Part 4

By Tanya Allan
Original Version Copyright © 1972
Revised version Copyright © 2012

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Philip Coates is seventeen and convinced that he is not only trapped in a boarding school for boys, but also trapped in the wrong body. He spends most of his time lost in a world of his imagination. In this world he is the girl he always wanted to be. The girl who screams at him to set her free in every minute of every waking hour, and most of the sleeping ones as well.

Trapped in a social square hole, he becomes simply what everyone - parents, friends, teachers - want and expect him to be. He knows that he wants to be a round peg, but will, in reality, never make it.

Well, he wakes up one morning convinced that his dream might just be coming true.. or is it?

The signs are there, but then again, are there other explanations for what he is going through?

After a rough few days, the girl is set free.

The future is now gloriously uncertain and fresh, as she sets out on a journey, turning her back on her school, her friends and her old home.....

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My thanks to PEGLEG for help with proofing

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Dreamer: Part 4

By Tanya Allan

Dreamer: Part 4

Andy passed me the rugby ball. It bounced off my breasts, making me drop the damn thing.

Mr Carter swore at me for playing like a girl.

Strangely, it didn’t upset me as much as it should. I simply put my hands on my hips and said,

“And?”

He launched into a mini-tirade about boys looking like girls, culminating in him instructing me to get a hair cut.

I lifted my rugby shirt to allow my breasts an airing.

“And what about these?” I asked.

I never got to hear his reply, as the telephone woke me up.

Shaking my head to clear away the dream, I reached over the sleeping man and took the phone off the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Miss Stewart?” asked a cultured female voice.

That was me, wasn’t it?

“Yes, who is this?” I asked, glancing at the clock. It read eight-forty. Then I began the laborious process of working out what day it was and whether I should be somewhere else. No alarm bells rang, so I believed I was okay. I remembered the events of the pervious evening, and indeed for much of the night. I then got cross at whoever it was for waking me up.

“I’m sorry, you don’t know me, but I was given your number by Valarie Masterson. I understand you might be looking for an agent?”

Thor rolled towards me and wrapped an arm over my belly, pulling me towards him.

“Not now!” I hissed to him.

“I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” said the woman.

“You woke me up,” I explained, unable to keep the annoyance from my voice.

“I can call back,” she offered.

“I’m awake now. What is this about?”

Thor kissed me and rolled out of bed, making for the bathroom. Sod it, I wanted to go as well.

“My name is Norma Cargill. I’m an agent. I work with a lot of establish actors and singers, taking care of the things that often distract them from the art. Valarie rang me up on Friday to tell me that she had just signed you for the new series called Highland Fling. She explained that you are new to the industry and will need some representation and help. Now, I used to work with Valarie, and although she’s a great agent, she can’t represent you and employ you at the same time. I’m simply offering you my services to act as your agent.”

“Look, I appreciate the offer, but now isn’t the best time. Can we meet sometime and talk about it?”

We made a date for after lunch that same day in the same hotel lobby that I had met Valarie.

Thor came back to bed and made a lunge at me. Evading him, I escaped to the loo. As I sat there, I thought back over the last couple of weeks.

The screen test at the studio had gone well. Valarie told me that I was a natural, apparently.

When I arrived, I found six other girls, all waiting for tests for the same production. This was a real surprise, as I thought that I was the only one. I think Valarie sensed this, but said nothing.

Only two of them were after the same role as me. I later found out that Valarie wasn’t the only one out scouting for talent. Both the director and the assistant director had been searching for hopefuls through various agents.

I found it all quite exciting to start with, but then, there was a lot of hanging about waiting for people to do stuff. We didn’t get to see anyone else taking a test. I was last, so the others had all left by the time I was called in. I had no idea whether any had been successful or not. It was very nerve-racking.

In the end, I had to sit at a table after learning a dozen lines and pretend to have an argument with someone who wasn’t there. One of the assistants read the other person’s dialogue off camera. Then I had to go through various poses and movements, adopting a range of emotions.

Not having seen a script, I didn’t know whether the lines were part of the series or just used for the screen test.

There were five people watching, including Valarie, which made it rather daunting. I was introduced to them just before the test. They were the director, assistant director, casting director and another woman who was an assistant producer.

The only instructions they gave me were to avoid looking at either of the cameras or at any of them. That was tough, as the cameras kept moving about, so it took a lot of effort to try to act natural, remember the lines and avoid looking at the interesting things that the cameras were doing.

Anyway, Valarie seemed pleased with the way it went. The last job was to go through the same speeches with different accents as I had done with her earlier. These lines were part of the script, and as they were slightly familiar, I was able to do it easily.

When I finished, they asked me to go and wait in a small sitting room. A girl made me a coffee while I waited. I wished Thor could have been here, but he was doing some touristy stuff around Holyrood Palace. He had offered to come with me, but I got the feeling from Valarie that he wasn’t really welcome.

“It’s not that big a studio, so there aren’t really facilities for hangers on,” she’d said.

After only half an hour she came and found me reading an ancient copy of a Reader’s Digest.

She sat down next to me. Fortunately, she was smiling.

“After talking it over with my production team, we’re all in agreement that you’d be perfect for the part,” she said. “The part’s yours, if you want it?”

“Do I?” I said, grinning. “That’ll be great, thanks. What happens now?”

“Well, we’re due to start at the studio down south just after Christmas. That should take around four months. Then we’ve the locations booked for next spring. Believe me; you don’t want to be outside for long sessions in winter.”

Valarie had to meet with others on her team, all of whom were in London, before any further decisions could be taken as regards other cast members. There were still other auditions to be held, for quite a few parts. There were also some technical issues that needed resolving before shooting started.

“What plans have you got?” she asked.

I shrugged, as I didn’t have any.

“I suppose I’ll have to get a part time job in the meantime,” I said.

“That sounds a good idea. If you can get a job in the business, that might help you later.”

“Nice suggestion, but I need an income in the meantime.”

She smiled.

“Where are you living at the moment?” she asked.

When I explained that I was bumming it in the youth hostel, she was surprised.

“Well, you must come and stay with me at my flat. I’ve bags of room.”

“Won’t I get in the way? I mean with your kids and everyone.”

“My children are all grown up and don’t live with me. I’m divorced and so am alone at the moment. Besides, my main home is near London, so I have a small flat that I use when I’m up here,” she explained.

I thought about it, before declining.

“I can’t just leave my friend. I promised we’d stay together and that I’d show him Edinburgh,” I said, glancing at Thor, who had just arrived in time to collect me.

“Don’t worry about me. Your career is more important,” he said.

“Look, he can come too. I’ve enough bedrooms. It’ll be fun having young people around for a while,” Valarie suggested. I wasn’t that sure of her motives, as I still felt that these sorts of things just don’t happen.

“How long for?” I asked, cautiously.

“Well, I want to spend some time with you to go through the part in some detail and then I’ll have to pop down south and consult with the others in the team. We’ve a lot to do before we can start shooting. I’ve no objections if you want to stay in the flat until I get back. It shouldn’t be for longer than a week, or so. You might use the time to find a job. You never know what might come along. If you do get a job, we can talk about you staying on at the flat and paying me a nominal rent. I’d be happy knowing the place is in use and being looked after.”

“I might be a complete vandal and wreck the place,” I said, to which she simply laughed.

A week’s free accommodation is Edinburgh was a really good offer. I accepted.

The flat was one of four in an old converted town house in an older part of the city. It was on the first floor. There were three bedrooms and a large bathroom. Valarie’s bedroom boasted an en-suite shower room and loo, so the bathroom was ours. The large living room had sufficient space for a big sofa, three armchairs, a desk, book case and a big dining room table and chairs.

The kitchen was modern and quite big, with a scrubbed wooden table with seating on benches for about ten people. She had said it was a small flat, so I thought the place was bigger than she needed. If this was small, then her house down south must be massive.

“I used to have all the family and friends here, so then it was fine. We don’t do so much entertaining these days.”

I sensed she was sad about how things had turned out, but also that now was not the time to talk about it.

Valarie and I spent a few hours over the next couple of days going over the script. She described her vision of what the part entailed. I kept the script, which, incidentally, was enormous. I spent all my free time reading it, trying to get a real feel for what it was all about. I liked the part, feeling somewhat dazed by the possibility that it could be mine.

While I was working, Thor went off exploring on his own. Later I discovered that he mainly discovered different pubs. After a three days, Valarie announced that she was convinced that I had grasped what she had envisioned and she set off by train to sort out the other problems that remained.

We had three days on our own.

On the second night, we were in a pub with live music. I was somewhat light-headed from the vodka and cokes, and also the possibility of becoming an actress. We danced. Or rather, Thor held me up, while I hung onto him and let him kiss me. I felt his hands on my bum, pulling me close into him. He was rubbing his pelvis against me, to which I returned the gesture, feeling something hard between us. It was strange feeling someone’s penis rubbing against me. I had imagined this moment in my many daydreams, and yet there was something earthy and erotic about it that I had missed in my imagination.

I think I knew we were going to have sex long before we returned to the flat.

I tried to be rational about it, but couldn’t be bothered. My mind told me that I wanted him. My body was screaming at me that it wanted him. I was taken over by alien feelings that seemed to use parts of my body like fifth columns, as they succeeded in numbing any conscience or caution that my brain might have been trying to transmit. I wanted him to undress me and to caress me and treat me like a woman. I wanted to know what it was like to be loved. In short, I wanted him inside me.

The feelings that my new womanhood were transmitted were remarkable and unmistakable.

They say that a woman starts to generate lubrication when coitus is imminent. Well, I thought I might be able to give Shell Oil a run for their money!

All my fantasies and dreams seemed to be turning into reality and I enjoyed every moment.

I didn’t think about contraception or consequences. I just was in lust.

Thor, bless him, wasn’t like me. Thank God.

Oh, he was as turned on as me, but somehow he was able to control himself more than I could control me. I was very tactile towards him, both in the pub and on the way home, so I think he got the message.

Once we arrived at the flat, I felt so excited that I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I think I might have scared him, but he didn’t show it. I can’t remember getting undressed. I just know I was kneeling, naked, on the bed trying to pull his trousers off.

He stopped me, holding both my hands.

“Pippa, slow down. There is no rush. Before we go further, I need to know if it is safe?”

“Safe? Valarie’s in London, no one will interrupt us,” I said, squirming with frustration in his grip.

“No, not that safe. Safe to make love wis you. Do you take the pill?”

Pill?

What pill?

Ah.

Reality check.

I slumped slightly with him still holding my wrists.

I hung my head, feeling cheap and ashamed. The mood was suddenly more somber.

I shook my head.

“I thought so. This is dangerous for you, no?” he asked.

I looked at him.

“Dangerous?”

“Ja, if no pill, you have baby, yes?”

“Oh, I suppose so.”

“Then I take precaution. If you sure?” he said.

My expression must have displayed my confusion. He pulled a packet of condoms from his pocket and smiled at me.

I was sure.

Afterwards, I lay as close to him as I could without actually existing in the same spot in the space-time continuum. All my fantasies and dreams had been but poor shadows of the reality.

As I now look back with the wonder of hindsight, I have to admit that my first sexual experience hadn’t been the best ever, but for me it still had been wonderful.

We had both been somewhat nervous and unsure. I hadn’t realised it, but it was his first time too.

Once he was naked, he stood before me with an enormous hard-on. I think I might have uttered a nervous giggle, as he was quite big. Poor old Phil had never been that big. At least, it could be a matter of perspective. I had never actually looked at one from this position with the anticipation of having it inserted inside me within a few moments. It still looked big!

Each time I touched it, it quivered and throbbed. He was circumcised, so the large purple helmet was an unfamiliar sight for me. I touched it, gently stroking it. He moaned and squirmed deliciously under my touch. I think I giggled again. It must have been nerves.

“You’re big!” I said.

He said nothing, but kissed me, pulling me close. I released his penis, and felt it rub against my tummy. I pushed against him.

I wanted him very much.

I helped him roll the condom on, feeling my heart rate increase in anticipation. Neither of us really had a clue, apart from those few magazines and films we had seen, and the benefit of conversations between contemporaries. I had been so wound up by my gender confusion that I honestly hadn’t paid much attention. Now I wish I had.

In the end, I lay on my back with my legs open, and let him kiss me all over first. After just a few moments of that, I was more than ready, so pulled him to me, helping him slide into me.

My worry that he was too big disappeared as soon as he slid up to the hilt. I wasn’t sure what I expected, as I thought I’d feel something. Actually, I think I felt sort of full, in that I could sense that something as inside me, but not much more.

Then he started to slide in and out.

Oh my God!

Then I felt something.

I’d love to able to write about the amazing experience that lasted several minutes, but it was over very quickly. He thrust into me perhaps a dozen times before shuddered as he came.

That wasn’t the point.

I was a woman and I was able to take him in a manner that I had always dreamed of.

He was so embarrassed that he almost cried. I cuddled him, telling him that it didn’t matter. And it really didn’t. We lay for a while, entwined and gently caressing each other. I even managed to fall asleep.

However, I was woken by something in the bed twitching back to life.

The second time was something else entirely!

For a start, we were both more relaxed. Heck, I was so relaxed, he had to wake me up first.

Secondly, he was gentle and less nervous. We played with each other first, using our hands and kissing deeply for a few minutes. Then, as I felt myself more than ready again, I once again rolled a condom onto him.

This time, he lay on his back while I straddled him.

My God!

He lay there, thrusting gently as I did most of the work. I’d ridden horses a bit as a child, and perversely the memories returned as I rose and fell with him inside me.

I didn’t time us, but we went on and on. I experienced things that I had never dreamed or fantasised about. Things that made me scream and shout, digging my nails into his shoulders as we moved in perfect harmony. I just loved it when he played with my tits, licking and sucking them. It sent me wild.

I was just so wet!

When he finally came, I almost cried, it was just so perfect.

After that, I lay purring, coiled in his arms and feeling wonderful. We both slept, knowing that pleasure like that was possible whenever we wanted. I never imagined that sex could create so much liquid. I made a mental note to have a tissue box closer to the bed for the next time.

Dribbling across the floor to the bathroom holding my crotch is not effective.

With one more day before Valarie returned, we made the most of it.

We had to go out at noon. For two reasons: one, because we ran out of condoms (and tissues), and the other was so that I could meet with the agent lady.

After visiting the chemist for fresh supplies or rubber thingies and tissues, we had a quick pub lunch before I met with Norma at the hotel. She was an attractive woman in her forties, very precise and meticulous. She told me about the union - Equity, and then about fees and percentages. I was a bit baffled, so it seemed appropriate that I hire someone to help me with all this stuff.

"Look, acting is not like most jobs, as you can be really busy for a couple of months and then not work again for a year. I only charge when you're working. I will do my best to get scripts sent out and fix auditions for you. Think it over and then when things are a little clearer, we can have another little chat," she suggested. "As a sign of good faith, I'll sort out the necessary papers for Equity and send you some helpful leaflets."

The meeting lasted only half an hour, but I was inclined to accept her offer. After all, I needed all the help I could get. She told me that I could terminate the agreement at any time.

After we parted, I met up with Thor again. The sun came out and so was a beautiful autumn day. I wore my skirt with no underwear, giving him little flashes of what lay under my skirt whenever I could. As a result, poor Thor had a permanent hard-on.

It was a sunny day, with a chilly wind. I found the knickerless experience very erotic, and so behaved like a rampant little minx. I teased him dreadfully at every opportunity. We bought some sandwiches and sat in the park to eat them. I sat on the grass, letting him see right up my skirt, and laughed as he became more and more aroused.

In the end, he sat on a park bench while I sat on his lap, facing him. He took his cock out, rolled a condom on. I sat on it, impaling myself up to the hilt.

The zip on his jeans wasn’t awfully comfortable, but it was the most erotic sex session so far.

Fortunately, no one disturbed us, but I found the potential risk and the open space heightened the experience. It was to be the first of many sexual experiences we shared in public.

That evening, we went out for a pizza. We sat in a booth, close together and sharing everything, like new lovers are supposed to.

As we finished, he looked serious.

“Pippa, what is our future?” he asked.

I shrugged. At this point in time, I was living for the moment, with scant regard for tomorrow.

“I ask because I must make a decide.”

“That’s make a decision,” I said, correcting him.

“Yes, make a decision. You see, I did not expect to meet you and fall in love. I do not want to leave you, but can see our lives heading apart.”

“How come?”

“I am due to go to study for becoming a doctor in the next year. Now, I am not caring about the studies. I want stay here viz you. I know dis is not good for me, and mine parents will annoyed be.”

“That’s parents for you. Look, Thor, I’m sorry that you feel like this. I never meant for us to get to be like this…”

He interrupted me.

“No, never say sorry. You are de best ting to happen to me for many years. It is not your fault.”

“I never said it was. Can I finish?”

“Ja, sorry.”

“I just wanted to say that this has caught me out as well. I hadn’t planned on falling in love either. Maybe it’s lust, I don’t know, but I like being with you. I like how you make me feel and I love the way you fuck me,” I said.

He blushed as I said that word, which made me smile.

“You’re due to start medical school next year, right?”

“Ja, in September.”

“So, it’s only October, so you have plenty of time. You’d planned to hitch around Britain and see the sights, yes?”

“Ja, Britain and some other parts of Europe.”

“For how long?”

He smiled.

“Until I run out of money. I think maybe I get a job then. I worked in my uncle’s log business last year, so perhaps….” He never finished the sentence

He was holding my hand, so gave it a squeeze. I returned it. I didn’t like the idea of him going off any more than he did. I’d only just met him.

“I have to get a job,” I said.

He frowned.

“Why?”

“Because I have no money. I need to work to get some money before the filming starts. I have to pay dues to Equity and to be able to live. They won’t pay me until the contract starts, and that won’t be until after Christmas.”

“Come with me,” he said.

“I’d love to, but I can’t afford to.”

“I pay for you too.”

I smiled and stroked his face. He looked so earnest and serious.

“That’s sweet, but your money will run out too quickly if you do that. No. You must carry on with your plans, and perhaps I will make enough to catch up with you somewhere.”

He wasn’t happy with that.

“No. I stay with you for a while. Perhaps I can get a job too, that way we can pool our pay and then we can go off together before your contract.”

The following day saw me back at the DHSS. They had my card through, so now I was employable. We had a dreary day of going round the town looking for jobs. In fact, Thor had an advantage by being older. He got a job behind the bar in a pub. He was able to start that very evening, so felt quite buoyant about his success. The pay wasn’t brilliant, but it was better than spending money.

The manager of the same pub offered me a job collecting glasses and washing up. I declined, stating I was waiting for something better. I think Thor was disappointed as he’d have liked me working in the same place as him.

Still, we traipsed back to the job centre and I had a look at some of the jobs on offer. Thor got bored and told me he wanted to buy a decent shirt and pair of trousers that he could use for work.

He disappeared to go shopping. I kept looking.

One caught my eye.

SALES ASSISTANT REQUIRED FOR A LADIES BOUTIQUE

Taking the details, I eventually found myself at the shop in question.

It was up a narrow street very close to the castle. In fact, the recruitment agency in which I had found the modelling job was on the corner, a couple of shops away.

It was a very small shop, with just a single door and one small window on the frontage. A hand-painted sign bore the words BIZZY LIZZY’S BOUTIQUE above the window. I looked at the window dressing.

There was a single, skinny female mannequin with an Afro-wig, wearing a tie-dyed smock over a pair of multi coloured jeans. The jeans had eighteen inch flares and there were enormous platforms on the feet.

Shrugging, I entered.

As I did so, a gentle tinkling sound emanated from some Swiss cow-bells placed above the door.

The shop was a small square room, with a short counter against the back wall, behind which was an open doorway with a bead curtain strung across it. A double rail ran along the right hand wall, with tops above and skirts and trousers below. Two circular rails containing dresses stood in the middle, and a small changing booth stood next to the counter.

There was a small jewellery display stand by the changing booth. Most of the jewellery was beads, but there were some funky metal designs as well. None of it was expensive.

As I gazed at the merchandise on offer, I realised that everything was original and a littler bit different from the larger department stores and clothing chains. The prices were reasonable too. Not cheap, but certainly in most ordinary girls’ price range.

There was a smell of incense wafting through the place. It wasn’t unpleasant, but I found it slightly overpowering. I saw a lit joss-stick on a small tray on the counter. A tiny curl of smoke whispered up into the air. I recognised the music of Santana’s Abraxus coming from a speaker on the side.

The beads rustled as a woman came in from the back.

She was a tall girl in her mid-twenties. My mind immediately categorised her as a hippy, for she had long fair hair and wore what appeared to be her own wares — a tie-dyed cheese cloth top and a floral maxi-skirt. She had so many beads and bangles around her neck and up both arms that she made more noise than the cow-bells. She had a small daisy-like flower tattooed or painted onto her left cheek.

“Hi, can I help you?” she asked. She spoke with a local accent.

“Hi, um, I’m here about the job,” I said.

“Oh, brilliant. You’re the first person to come. The ads been there for a good ten days. I’m Lizzie, by the way.”

“Oh, what a surprise,” I said with a smile. “I’m Pippa.”

“Nice to meet you, Pippa. When can you start?”

“Um, don’t we need to do an interview or something?”

Lizzie looked vacantly at me for a moment.

“Why, do we need to?” she asked. I wondered whether she’d been smoking something funny.

“I don’t know; it’s your job. I mean, how much do you pay?”

She shrugged.

“I’m not sure. Like, I opened a month ago and it’s too much for me to manage by myself. Say ten pounds a day?”

I did the mental maths. That made fifty quid a week. I smiled, as Thor was on seven pounds a session, and he was going to be working from ten in the morning to eleven at night with a couple of hours break in the afternoon after two and before five. He had the opportunity of tips, but it was still small fry.

“Sounds fine. Does that include weekends?”

“Um, every other Saturday, how’s that?”

“Okay, I suppose. Is there just you, or is there anyone else?”

“Just me. I started with Mandy, another friend, but she got bored. She had no patience and wanted the cash to come in quicker than it was. I bought her out. I thought I could manage this wee place by myself, but I can’t. I need to get to the suppliers once a week. I couldn’t do that and keep the shop open. I had to close for half a day, so lost quite a bit of business.”

“Who are your suppliers?” I asked, looking at the clothes on display.

“One’s a small firm in Leith. They dye all the clothes on the premises. The woollens come from St. Andrews.”

“Fine. When would you like me to start?”

Lizzie smiled, showing her relief.

“How about now?”

I immediately thought of Thor. I imagined him lost in some huge store or other, wandering around looking for the way out.

“”How about in a couple of hours? I’ve to find my boyfriend and tell him what’s happening.”

“Fine. Thanks. If you need to call me or you want him to call you, then here’s the shop number,” she said, writing a phone number on a card.

“Thanks. Look, don’t you need my national insurance details, you know for tax and stuff?”

“Do I?”

“Uh, yes, you do. You have to register me as an employee and make deductions for tax and national insurance.”

“Can’t we just do this as a sort of cash basis?”

“You haven’t looked into this, have you?” I asked.

“Not really. I just wanted help with the shop.”

“Who does your books?” I asked.

“I do.”

“Okay, then you add me as an employee. You set a wage at ten pounds a day after tax deductions. Let’s see, basic tax is thirty percent, so that makes me on about fifteen pounds a day before tax. I think it best you have a chat with your accountant.”

She smiled sheepishly.

“That’ll be my dad.”

“Fine, have a word with him while I go find my boyfriend, so we can sort this out in two hours, okay?”

I left the shop feeling slightly confused. Previously, I had sort of imagined all adults and grown-up people had it together, but it seems that I was mistaken. Lizzie was a lovely girl, but I couldn’t see her as a sharp business-woman somehow. I hoped her father could sort her out. It then dawned on me that I had manipulated her into giving me a  £15 a day salary, before tax, that is.

I waited by the Sir Walter Scott Monument to be met by a grinning Thor. He was five minutes late and was carrying some bags.

“What are you looking so pleased about?” I asked.

“I get you a present,” he said.

From one of the bags he extracted a small box. With an exaggerated flourish, he presented it to me.

“A thank you for being you,” he said.

On opening the box, I found a pair of pearl ear rings and a single pearl on a silver chain necklace.

They were beautiful.

I kissed him and told him what I thought.

“So are you,” he said.

I then looked at the ear rings.

“I need my ears to be pierced now,” I told him.

We found a small tattoo and piercing specialist who popped my lobes so I could wear the gift.

Then, over a pub lunch, I told him of my news.

He frowned, working out that I was going to be working all day, while he was going to be out all evening.”

“I can always come to the pub in the evenings, and we should be able to have a late lunch together when you finish each morning session,” I said. “Besides, it won’t be for that long; just until we save enough to go somewhere nice.”

He looked at me with a very tender expression.

“You want to go with me?”

“You know I do,” I said, smiling.

“Then this will work.”

I hoped so.