Three Girls in a Bar

Printer-friendly version

In 2010 Maggie, Nancy Cole and I were all busy writing about stories about strong female characters. For Maggie it was her wonderful Maiden by Decree. Nancy and I had just finished Legend of Alfhildr, following on from The Frozen Balance.

We often chatted and shared ideas when one day, a humorous idea occurred; why don't we write something with all three of our heroines as a bit of a spoof?

Anyway, from that a handful of collaborative short stories were written under the collective title of 'Three girls in a bar...'. They appeared on the site for a short time then vanished. I think that now would be a good time to republish this little bit of fun.

Maggie, thank you for some lovely memories and laughter.


The Unfortunate Tale of the Big Bad Wolf
By Nancy Cole

Upon hearing that the husbands had taken Seren’s brother off to Monte Carlo for a bachelor party, B. B. Wolf decided now as the time to reclaim their kingdoms for the Old Narnians.

Upon reaching the city gates of Jhalmar, the Wolf took to pounding on them. “Open the gates of this city or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff and I’ll blow them down.”

From over the parapet, a raven haired woman looked down. “Oye! You down there, making all that noise. What in the bloody hell do you mean waking me at this God awful hour?”

“I am B. B. Wolf, an emissary of Aslan,” the wolf proclaimed. “As a representative of the Narnian Liberation Organization, I have come to reclaim this land for the Narnians.” He ended his entreaty with a loud cheer. “Narnia for Narnians!”

For his trouble, he received a chamber pot to the head followed by a volley of oaths that made his ears bleed.

Having failed at Jhalmar, B. B. Wolf moved onto Lisirra, where he marched up to the city gates, as bold as brass buttons and took to pounding on them. “In the name of the NLO, open the gates of this city or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff and I’ll blow them down.”

The response the wolf received was not at all what he expected. Before he knew what was happening, a gray shadow lunged out at him from behind, neatly depriving him of his tail before he had a chance of defending himself. Stunned and in pain, the wolf fled as the sounds of a hammer being wielded by a winsome blonde rang out as she nailed his tail to the gate.

Determined not to give up, B.B. Wolf made his way to the Great Keep, where he once more trooped up to the gate and took to pounding on it. “In the name of the NLO, open the gates of this city or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff and I’ll blow them down.”

Twack!

Æ

Upon his return from Monte Carlo, Godric gave Alfhildr a hug and a quick peck on the cheek, then asked her what they would be having for dinner that night.

The red haired Dane gave her husband a sly little smile. “Oh, something I managed to whip up at the last minute. I call it Narnian delight.”


Macbeth with Attitude
By Nancy Cole

Looking up from her spinning, Seren could not help but chuckle when she saw the tangled mess Alfhildr had managed to create.

“What are you laughing at?” the red haired Dane grumbled as she struggled to free her hands from the knotted and snarled mess in her lap.

“Oh nothing,” Seren murmured pleasantly. “Nothing at all.”

Frustrated by her inability to master what seemed to be such a simple chore, one even her own daughter could do, Alfhildr threw her arms out, tossing aside the spindle and the hopelessly jumbled mess she had created, uttering a collection of ripe phrases that would have made a stable boy blush. A snicker from a corner of the room caught Alfhildr’s attention, Glancing over at its source, she gave the buxom raven-haired queen a filthy look. “I suppose you find this funny as well?”

Without looking up, Deirdre smiled. “Not half as funny as the other night when you came barging into the great hall as if you were storming the place. I mean, where did you learn to walk? I’ve seen rock orcs with more grace than you.”

“Oh! You’re a fine one to talk,” Alfhildr countered. “I suppose you meant to put that arrow into the master of the hunt’s bum when we were out hunting the other day.”

“It was his fault,” Deirdre murmured. “He should have known better than to get in my line of fire.”

“As I recall, he was riding behind us,” Seren muttered as she continued to spin away.

“And who asked you?” Deirdre huffed.

Having made sure there was nothing breakable in the room before sitting down with her friends, Seren felt safe enough to give her sister queen a wink. “I suppose it could have been worse. We could have been hunting with chamber pots.”

Setting aside her spinning, Deirdre folded her arms across her chest. “That’s it! I’m finished. If I wanted this sort of abuse, I would have spent the day down in the dungeon having tea with Bridgette.”

“What? And miss learning some new words from Alfhildr you can use when Garret sneaks up behind you and embraces you?” Seren asked.

This caused Deirdre to snort. “It’ll be a cold day in southern Jhalmar before he tries that again. He swears it took a week before the royal jewels felt safe enough to pop back out, though I know that wasn’t the case.”

Doing her best to act offended, Seren brought her hand up to her mouth.

“Deirdre! You’re getting almost as bad as Alfhildr.”

The red haired Dane shook her head. “That’ll be the day,” she muttered doing her best John Wayne impersonation.

Seeing her friends were no longer interested in spinning, Seren put aside her spindle. “Well since the two of you are no longer interested in spinning, what shall we do now?”

With a twinkle in her eye, Alfhildr all but jumped up and down in her seat. “Let’s go hunting.”

Upon hearing this, Deirdre grunted. “Hmmm. I don’t think we’ll be able to find any men willing to accompany us if I go. Besides,” she added giving Alfhildr a wink, “little miss prissy over there is still mourning the loss of the fingernail she broke the last time we were out hunting.”

Seren made as if she were offended. “For your information, I broke two, one of them on a very important finger.”

“And which finger would that be?” Deirdre asked.

“This one,” Seren answered showing the other queen the center digit of her right hand.

“Ha!” Alfhildr laughed. “And you make fun about my behavior.”

“We could go shopping,” Seren ventured.

“That’s not such a good idea,” Deirdre replied before Alfhildr could get a word in
edgeways. “Every time we take our friendly Dane over there to town she always whines until we allow her to pillage at least one store.”

“And this is a problem how?” Alfhildr asked doing her best to appear as if she were serious.

“The merchants are starting to complain,” Deirdre explained patiently. “The insurance companies are threatening to raise their premiums on pillaging and sacking coverage.”
“Okay, little miss smarty pants, if hunting and shopping is out, what should we do?” Alfhildr asked.

“I could paint your pictures,” Seren ventured hopefully.

Deirdre made a face. “Oh no, not until you learn out how to make me bum look smaller.”

Seren gave her friend a sweet little smile, “I’m sorry, honey child, but I can only paint what I see.”

Had this banter not been good natured, the scathing glare Deirdre gave Seren was enough to melt the blonde’s precious frozen balance.

“I know! Alfhildr volunteered. “While I go down to the kitchen and get the scullery
maids to roll out the big black kettle into the court yard and start a fire under it, you two run up to your rooms and put on your dirtiest, most ragged cloths. When you’re ready, join me in the courtyard and we’ll greet Garret, Carrigan and Godric when they return by doing the three witches scene from Macbeth.”

Excited by the thought, Deirdre jumped to her feet. “Oh goodie. The boys really hate it when we do that.”

Seren, however, had a worried look on her face as she regarded Alfhildr. “Aren’t you going to change?” she asked.

This caused Deirdre to chuckle. “Dear girl, remember who you’re talking about here. That’s Alfhildr, sword arm of the gods, bane of the Saxons, defender of the mark, etc, etc,etc. She’s scary enough as it is.”

Seren nodded. “Yeah, you’ve got a point. Come on, girls, lets get moving. The boys will be back soon.”


Girl’s Night Out
By Maggie Finson

“Are you sure we want to do this?” Seren eyed the smoky interior of the bar as Deirdre deftly side stepped an elf and an orc rolling across the floor in a fight most of the patrons ignored so long as it didn’t come close enough to endanger their own drinks.

“You both wanted someplace where we wouldn’t be fawned over and treated like breakable glass.” The raven haired queen answered then grinned. “Well, this is the place, trust me.”

Alfhildr merely shrugged, daintily stepping over the brawling bar patrons and started looking for a table they could either co-opt from some gullible drunks or one that was unoccupied. “Over there, three chairs, and the table actually looks halfway clean.”

A scarred arm flailed out from the orc, which Seren neatly deflected with a dainty foot as she followed her two friends towards the table. Still warily paying attention to the brawling pair and making sure she didn’t step into something really obnoxious, the queen was startled by a loud crash and thud as something heavy hit the floor.

Deirdre looked down at a man tangled with the remains of a three legged stool with a feigned expression of concern on her lovely face. “Oh, I apologize for kicking that out from under you, sir. If you’re looking for a good time I’ll call one of the barmaids over for you. My friends and I are having a ‘girl’s night out’ here. Get it?”

Alfhildr was glaring at the fellow’s friends and stroking Skadi’s ruff of neck fur. “We would just like to be left alone to have a good time without being pulled into someone’s lap, smacked on the butt, or groped. Is that agreeable to you guys?”

The wolf at her side, uncomfortable in the bar in the first place, punctuated her friend‟s question with a low growl.

“When did Skadi last eat?” Seren questioned idly as she joined her friends and patted the wolf companionably.

“This morning, I think.” Alfhildr grinned at the table of rowdies. “She’s probably getting a bit peckish just now, though.”

“Kind of skinny for good eating, aren’t they?” Seren questioned as she gave the men a disdainful looking over. “Besides, I’d never feed a friend of mine something as stringy as this.”

“Here is our table.” Deirdre hollered at them as she gracefully seated herself on a stool and waved them over. Then promptly spoiled the, at least marginally lady-like motion, by planting one delicate elbow firmly on the table and raising her other arm to signal towards the bar. “Barmaid! Three thirsty ladies over here!”

 

The Hopeful Lothario
By Persephone

Lance(lot) knew he was handsome. In some of the nightclubs in the BCTS universe he had to employ a bodyguard with a net just to stop the girls throwing their lingerie at him; he didn't mind so much, but occasionally it did muss his hair. So he was surprised to saunter in to 'Blades' and have three girls glance across, smile and then coolly return to their conversation as if he didn't matter!

Lance(lot) could never resist a challenge. He waved to the barmaid for his usual and ambled seductively across to the three girls, his beautiful grin and angelic eyes flashing. "Ladies forgive me, but I must throw myself on your mercy. You have captivated my soul, and my body is yours for the taking." His pleasant baritone purred as he slipped into the empty seat at the table.

The raven haired hellion glanced up from the joke she was telling her friends about a novel use for her 'backscratcher' and rolled her eyes. "Sunshine, if there was a chamberpot nearby you'd have a headache."

Her blonde friend smiled. "Dierdre, the poor boy doesn't know who we are." She turned to the grinning lothario as he tried his perfect smile once more. "I'm Queen Seren of Therysia and I..."

Lance(lot) couldn't resist butting in. "Darling you can 'queen' over me anytime."

His inappropriate comment earned him a baleful stare from the young Queen, before she turned to the third member of their party. "Alfhildr what do you think?"

Lance(lot) looked into the emerald eyes of the third girl as she smiled at him. "Oh he might have his uses." the pretty redhead announced.

Lance(lot) grinned as he felt a gentle nudge on his inner thigh, sliding towards his groin.

Alfhildr smiled alluringly at the boy, then looked under the table. "Skadi - din dins!"

up
101 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

Re: B.B. Wolf

He should have received a FULL chamber pot.

From my experience ...

Sara Selvig's picture

From my experience (extensive but not recent) chamber pots are full long before they are full.

Sara


Between the wrinkles, the orthopedic shoes, and nine decades of gravity, it is really hard to be alluring. My icon, you ask? It is the last picture I allowed to escape the camera ... back before most BC authors were born.