This is an audio book version of my story, Shoes. The story is about a teenage boy who's trying his best to understand some major life changes his younger sibling is going through. (Note: If you ever wondered what I sound like, here's your chance. ^.~)
Click on the Start button to begin listening to the story. Enjoy! :)
Music and sound effects provided by Partners In Rhyme, which has some great royalty-free music and sound effects. This audio book is archived at Internet Archive.
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
I was laying in bed, staring up at the slanted ceiling and wondering how much of doing nothing I could fit into my first day of summer vacation when I heard a knock. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. From the timid sound of the knock I had a good idea who was there, but I wasn't ready to see him yet. To stall while pulling myself together, I shouted, "Who's there?"
"It's . . . it's me."
I felt like such a jerk when I heard the nervousness in his voice. Since our parents had sat down with me to tell me about the changes that were going to happen this summer, and especially after I'd been moved into my own room, I'd been avoiding talking to my little brother. It didn't look like I'd be able to avoid him any more. "Come on up, Brian."
I realized I was in my underwear as the door creaked open, found a pair of sweat pants in the pile of clothes next to my bed and quickly slipped them on. It felt weird worrying about being seen like that by someone I'd spent years sharing a room with. As I sat back down on my bed and started pulling a musty smelling, but still wearable, polo shirt over my head, I heard soft steps slowly climbing the carpeted stairs.
The first thing I noticed when I could see past the collar of my shirt was his hair. It wasn't the first time I'd seen him in a ponytail before, but seeing it higher on his head made him look a little different. He froze when our eyes met and his expression shifted somewhere between worry and fear. "You sure it's okay? I didn't know you was still sleeping."
That was my little brother, always thinking about other people's feelings. "It's okay, Bri."
My brother smiled when I pronounced his nickname as 'bree' (to rhyme with bee) instead of 'brye' (to rhyme with bye) and started climbing the steps again. I wasn't ready to call him Brianna yet, but bending on the nickname wasn't all that bad. Seeing his sunny smile was definitely worth it. I smiled back and did my best to brace myself for what I'd see next.
I was a little surprised when I saw he was wearing a pretty ordinary t-shirt. Yes, it was pink and yes, it had tiny white flowers on it. If you ignored the flowers and colors though, it didn't look all the different from a boys shirt. I was even more surprised when he climbed another step and I saw he was wearing even more ordinary looking blue jeans. "I thought you'd be wearing a skirt today."
He stopped again and his smile wobbled. "Actually, I was gonna. Should I go back and change?"
I realized right then he must be as nervous about talking to me as I was feeling. "No, you look fine."
Bri's smile came back and he finished climbing the steps. That's when I saw the shoes. They were pink, shiny, had little holes where his white socks showed through and thin straps on them that buckled on the side. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't imagine them being anything a boy would wear. "Ummm, nice shoes."
His cheeks turned a deep pink. "Thank you. I really like them a lot."
Seeing him just standing there looking shy and nervous was just a bit too much for me, so I jumped up from my bed and shouted, "Tickle Monster attack!" Before he could take more than a step back, I swooped down on my brother and grabbed him around the waist.
He was already giggling when I dumped him on my bed and it didn't take much tickling to have him squirming and squealing. "Stop! You're gonna make me pee!"
"Well," I said in my gruff Tickle Monster voice, "I don't think your big brother would like that, so I'll let you go . . . for now."
Bri was still smiling as he recovered from being tickled, but there was a sadness in his eyes. "I've missed my big brother."
"I've missed my little br-- I mean, I've missed you too. Sorry I've been such a jerk lately."
"Well, we ain't talked like we used to, but you ain't been mean or nothing. Dad told me you wasn't talking 'cause you felt confused and needed to figure stuff out."
I sat on the edge of the bed and looked over my shoulder at my . . . sister? That word still felt weird when thinking of someone I'd always known as my brother. "I still feel pretty confused."
Bri sat up and slid across the bed until he was sitting a few inches away from me. "What you confused about?"
"Mom and Dad tried to explain to me how you're a girl on the inside even though you're a boy on the outside."
He looked down at the floor and bounced the heels of his pink shoes against the wooden sideboard of my bed frame. "I dunno if I can explain that too good. It's kinda like me being left handed. It ain't something I just decided to do. It's just part of being me."
"I won't say I really understand it, but I'm trying to wrap my brain around the idea. What I'm really stumped on is why you feel like you need to dress like a girl all of a sudden. If you've always been a girl and you've always worn boy clothes up until now, why do you need to change?"
"Because the boy clothes felt uncomfortable."
"What was wrong with them?"
Bri's feet stopped bouncing and he looked up at me. "They just felt . . . off. It's like--" I could almost imagine a light bulb popping up over his head as a grin stretched across his face."I got an idea, but I need to borrow your shoes. Where they at?"
"Umm, over there in the bottom of my closet."
Bri bounced off the bed and ran in the direction I had pointed, then skipped back a few moments later carrying my good going-to-church shoes. After laying them in front of me, he sat on the floor and looked at me, still wearing that silly grin. "Okay, put your shoes on."
I looked down and noticed the right shoe was next to my left foot, and visa versa. When I crossed my right leg over to reach the right shoe, Bri grabbed me by the ankle. "No, not like that." He then moved my right foot over to the left shoe, slid it on me, then did the same with my left foot. After tying the laces in neat bows, he looked up again with a slightly more serious expression. "How they feel? They too tight or anything?"
"It feels weird having my shoes on backwards, but it doesn't hurt or anything like that."
Bri got to his feet and held a hand out to me. "Think you can stand up?" I took his hand and carefully pulled myself up from the bed. After I had my balance, Bri let my hand go and took a step back. "Okay, try walking now." Bri followed me as I did a slow circle around my room. "So how's it feel walking with your shoes on backwards?"
"I don't know. It just feels. . . ."
"Off?"
It was my turn to have a little light bulb appear over my head. "You mean, this is how you've been feeling all your life?"
Bri silently nodded, then took my hand again and led me back to the bed. The bedsprings groaned as we both sat down. As I bent down to untie my laces, he grabbed my arm. "Before you do that, think of what it'd be like if you couldn't never take them shoes off."
I sat back up and looked at the person I'd spent so long thinking of as my brother. I tried to imagine what it must feel like to go through life feeling wrong. My feet started to hurt as I sat there, and I wondered if it hurt Bri to feel wrong. My heart nearly burst as I thought about someone I cared so much about going through life hurting like that. I wrapped a protective arm around Bri, who looked up at me with surprise. "Everything okay?"
"Of course it is. Can't a big brother hug his little sister?"
Bri's lower lip trembled and a tear rolled down her cheek. I reached down and pulled her onto my lap and rocked her as she sobbed into my shoulder. I'm not ashamed to say I was crying too. Neither am I ashamed to say I love my sister. I may not understand a lot of other things, but that's one thing I do. When you have love, does the rest matter?
I kicked off my shoes and mentally defied the world to prove me wrong.
This is a continuation of the story, Shoes. It's being told from the viewpoint of Brianna's brother, Carl. This story starts in the small hours of the morning after he had a long talk with Brianna about her being a girl. He's still trying to work though things, and finally decides to contact an old friend ... someone you may recognize from one of my other stories. ;)
Brianna's Big Brother
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
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My sweat-soaked bed sheet stuck to the skin on my back as I rolled onto my side. Without bothering to turn on the light, I groped blindly across the table beside my bed, found my wristwatch and poked at the buttons on the side until the face glowed a pale green.
1:23 AM
I tossed the watch in the general direction of the table and flopped onto my back. It had been a long day, but I still couldn't get to sleep. My attic bedroom had been hot, but it wasn't any worse than the rest of the house when I had opened both windows to let the night breeze drift through.
Mostly, the real problem was I had too much to think about, but nobody to talk to. I couldn't talk to ... well ... I guess I better get used to calling her my sister. I couldn't talk to my parents. How could I tell them about the things going through my head? I couldn't talk to my friends. Well, not most of them. There was one who might understand, and she was usually online pretty late, but would she still be awake?
I shoved my pillows and covers behind me until I was sitting pretty comfortably, then reached under my bed for my laptop and started it up. I fiddled with the wireless connection until I was finally able to get online and smiled when I saw a familiar screen-name in my friends list.
CarMAN2u: Hey there Terry!
XxTomGrrl99xX growls.
CarMAN2u: Ak! I meant to say Terri! TERRI!
XxTomGrrl99xX grins.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Just messing with you, Carl.
CarMAN2u wipes his brow
CarMAN2u: That's a relief.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, where've you been the past few weeks?
CarMAN2u sighs
XxTomGrrl99xX: Don't like the sound of that sigh. What's been going on?
CarMAN2u: Nothing much. Just lost my brother.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Oh god....
XxTomGrrl99xX: You don't mean like he.....passed on?
CarMAN2u: No. It feels like he did. Or maybe I shoud say she.
XxTomGrrl99xX: She? We're talking about Brian, right?
CarMAN2u: Kinda. Listen. You have to swear not to tell anybody this.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey!
XxTomGrrl99xX gives your shoulder a friendly punch.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Just because I had to move don't mean we're not still best buds. I never told any secrets before, right?
CarMAN2u rubs his arm and grins
CarMAN2u: No. You never did.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So give already!
Even though she had to move away when her parents broke up, we managed to stay close with each other through reading and commenting on each other's blogs, talking on the phone when our parents would let us, chatting online when they wouldn't, and sending pretty regular e-mails. I know some people think boys and girls aren't supposed to be able to be best friends, but we are. Just the same, I still needed to take in a deep breath to steady my nerves before answering her.
CarMAN2u: Brian is Brianna now.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Wow.
XxTomGrrl99xX: ummm...
XxTomGrrl99xX: wow
CarMAN2u nods
CarMAN2u: Kind of took me by surprise too.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, your brother is your sister now?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. That's pretty much why I've been gone for so long.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I can see why. How have you been coping?
CarMAN2u: Ok I guess. Wasnt doing too good first few weeks after I found out. Pretty much ignored him.
CarMAN2u: I mean her
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but that was a pretty crappy thing to do.
CarMAN2u hangs his head
CarMAN2u: Yeah, I can be a real jerk sometimes. I'm just glad we finally talked yesterday.
XxTomGrrl99xX smiles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So you feeling any better?
CarMAN2u: A little. Still really confused.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Like you were about me?
CarMAN2u: Well it was different with you. I thought you were a boy at first. But you turned out to be a girl.
XxTomGrrl99xX: And you thought Brianna was a boy at first, but she turned out to be a girl. Sounds pretty similar to me.
CarMAN2u: Well yeah.
CarMAN2u: I mean no!
CarMAN2u: I mean I just thought you were a boy but youre really a girl.
XxTomGrrl99xX glares at you.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, you're saying she's not really a girl?
CarMAN2u: Not exactly. Im mostly really confused. My brain cramps up every time I try to figure this stuff out.
XxTomGrrl99xX winces
XxTomGrrl99xX: Please, don't talk about cramps right now.
CarMAN2u: Oh.
CarMAN2u: Umm. This one of them girl things?
XxTomGrrl99xX nods and sighs.
CarMAN2u: Im sorry.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey, don't be sorry. It's one of them things that just happens.
CarMAN2u: It aint gonna happen to Bri.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Does not having a period mean she can't be a girl?
CarMAN2u: Ive been wondering about things like that all night. I still aint got an answer.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Maybe you're doing too much thinking. How do you feel?
CarMAN2u: How do I feel about what?
XxTomGrrl99xX: How do you feel about Brianna? How do you feel about finding out you have a sister?
XxTomGrrl99xX: How do you feel about losing a brother?
I lifted shaking hands from the keyboard and and squeezed my eyes shut. The glowing words were still there behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes, wiped at my cheeks and did my best to keep my hands steady so I could type out an answer.
CarMAN2u: I feel like crap.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Why's that?
CarMAN2u: Well, my brother is suddenly gone and theres this girl who says shes my sister and everybody in the world seems to think this is okay.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Everyone?
CarMAN2u: So far as I know only me Mom and Dad know about Brianna. Just the same I seem to be the only one who doesnt think this is a good idea.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Okay, you don't think this is a good idea, but how do you feel?
CarMAN2u: How do I feel? MAD!
XxTomGrrl99xX: Why's that?
CarMAN2u: My brothers gone AN NOBODY GIVES A DAM!!!
I shoved the laptop onto the bed, pulled my pillow out from my back and shoved my face into it to stifle my sobs. It had been a long time since I'd let go and had a serious crying jag. I'm not sure how long I'd been at it before I heard my laptop chirping. I flipped the top open and tried to make sense of what Terri had said through the blur of my tears.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey! I give a damn!
XxTomGrrl99xX: Carl?
XxTomGrrl99xX: You there, bud?
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX has paged you
XxTomGrrl99xX: Come on, Carl. Talk to me.
I stretched out, rolled onto my stomach, and tried to catch my breath before typing out an answer.
CarMAN2u: Im here.
XxTomGrrl99xX: You okay?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. I just needed a minute.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Were you crying?
CarMAN2u: Howd you guess?
XxTomGrrl99xX: After all those summers we spent together, I kinda got to know you pretty well.
CarMAN2u: Im sorry about all that stuff I said.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Hey, I asked you to tell me how you felt and you told me. Nothing wrong with saying how you feel.
CarMAN2u: Maybe. You must think I'm pretty low knowing how I feel.
XxTomGrrl99xX: What I think is you could use a friend right about now.
XxTomGrrl99xX gives you a big hug.
CarMAN2u smiles and hugs back
Even though online hugs ain't the same thing as real ones, I could still feel some of the ache in my chest fade when I smiled.
XxTomGrrl99xX: So, what else have you been feeling?
CarMAN2u: A lot of things. I dont know if Im ready to deal with them right now.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I can understand that. You have a lot to work through and it sounds like you haven't really started dealing with it until today. Did you still want to talk?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. Talking to you has helped keep my brain from spinning around in my skull.
XxTomGrrl99xX chuckles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: I like that image. So, ummm....
XxTomGrrl99xX: What do you have planned for summer vacation?
CarMAN2u: Remember that campground where we first met? The one up near your summer house?
XxTomGrrl99xX: Heh! How could I forget where I met my best friend?
CarMAN2u grins
CarMAN2u: The whole family is heading up there for two weeks starting this weekend.
XxTomGrrl99xX: That sounds great!
CarMAN2u: Its okay. But things never been the same after your family stopped going to your summer house.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Actually, my dad recently moved in there full time. He's been bugging me to visit over summer vacation, but I've been putting him off.
CarMAN2u: You still mad at him?
XxTomGrrl99xX: A little. Maybe a lot.
CarMAN2u: You miss him?
XxTomGrrl99xX nods and sighs.
XxTomGrrl99xX: He'd asked me to come out for winter break and spring break. I'd really thought about going, but his boyfriend, Jason, lives there with him and that's something I'm really not ready to deal with.
CarMAN2u: That must really suck not being able to go there because there's a stranger in your house.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Actually, Jason is going to be heading out to some training seminar this weekend. Maybe I'll take Dad up on his offer for then.
CarMAN2u: Wow! thatd be great!
XxTomGrrl99xX smiles.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Well, I haven't actually asked him yet, but I'm pretty sure he'll say yes.
A warning window popped up telling me my battery was almost out and the laptop would power down in a few minutes. I stabbed at the close button, then went back to my chat window.
CarMAN2u: I gotta go. My batterys almost dead and I aint been able to find the charger cord since I moved into my new bedroom. Could you send me an e-mail to let me know if things work out?
XxTomGrrl99xX: Can do. You have a new room?
CarMAN2u: Yeah. Ill have to tell you about it later.
XxTomGrrl99xX: Sounds fair. Take care of yourself, Carl.
CarMAN2u: You too.....Terry.
CarMAN2u smirks
XxTomGrrl99xX rolls her eyes and grins before signing out.
The weekend camping trip has finally arrived, and Carl is heading out to the summer house where his long time friend is staying. Of course, his little sister decides to tag along. This turns out to be a very good thing, since it provides a chance for him to better understand what it means to love and accept someone for who they are.
Brianna's Big Brother - Chapter 2
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
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As my sneakers crunched the gravel underfoot, I breathed in the sharp scent of pine sap brought by the gentle breeze whispering through the scrubby pine trees crowding the overgrown path I'd been following. The morning had already started getting hot back at the campground, but it was still cool in the shade of the surrounding trees where only little beams of sunlight were allowed to peek through the dense cover overhead.
When I heard the slap of flip-flops coming up behind me, I stopped and turned to see my sister running to catch up. Watching her pigtails bouncing made me smile. Seeing her hair up like that when I crawled out of my tent this morning had taken me by surprise. It made her look like such a ... girl. Not that she wasn't one, but I was still struggling with the idea that she wasn't my brother any more.
When she finally reached me and caught her breath she asked, "Why didn't you wait up for me?"
I rolled my eyes, but grinned to let her know I really wasn't annoyed. "Because every five seconds you're stopping to look at some rock or twig or something."
"But there was a really good reason I'd stopped this time." It was then I realized she was holding a hand behind her back.
"What are you up to?"
"Tadah!" She pulled her hand from behind her back and held out a tiny bouquet of daisies and little purple flowers.
I was both touched and feeling a little confused as I accepted the gift. "Wow ... thanks Bri. Nobody ever gave me flowers before. What do I do with them?"
"Well, you could smell 'em." My little sister smirked. "That's whatcha usually do with flowers."
I held them up to my nose and sniffed at the light, sweet scent. "Hmmm ... they do smell nice."
"You could also give 'em to your girlfriend." Her smirk turned into a lopsided grin.
"What girlfriend?" Even as I asked, I had a sneaking feeling I knew who she was talking about.
"You know." She held a hand to her mouth and stood on her toes to whisper in my ear. "T-e-r-r-i."
I was really tempted to chew Brianna out. I was already jittery about meeting my old friend and the teasing wasn't helping. Instead, I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Listen ... Terri isn't my girlfriend. She's just a friend."
My sister didn't look convinced, but she nodded anyway. "Okay. Maybe ya could like give 'em to her just as a friend?"
"Maybe, but she's never really been much into flowers."
"Oh, I'd forgot 'bout that." She hung her head, looking totally dejected.
Feeling bad for knocking all her ideas, I tried for one of my own. "You know, another thing you can do with flowers is put them in your hair."
Her face lit up at the idea. "Oh wow, I'd like that! Could ya put 'em in for me?"
I had originally expected her to put them in herself, but I didn't want to ruin the mood and agreed. After finding a sturdy stump, I got comfortable on it and had her sit in front of me. Ten minutes or so later, there was a ring of flowers around both of her pigtails.
I had been sitting there for a little while, trying to figure out where to fit in the last flower, when she turned around and looked up at me. "You all done?"
"Almost. I'm still trying to trying to figure out where to put this daisy."
Brianna grinned as she stood up and plucked the flower from my fingertips. Before I could say or do anything, she slipped it behind my right ear. "There ya go. Problem solved."
"Wait a minute. Guys can't wear flowers." As I said that, something in the back of my mind asked what that meant when I had just put flowers in my former brothers hair.
"Sure they can. Boys do it all the time in Hawaii."
"They do?" I vaguely remembered something about flowers and Hawaii, but nothing about guys wearing flowers.
"Sure they do." She adjusted the flower so it fit more snugly behind my ear. "So, ya ready to meet your ... ummm ... I mean ya ready to go see Terri now?"
I could tell she was trying hard not to tease me again and I really appreciated it. I seemed to surprise her as much as I did myself when I leaned forward and hugged her. It only took a moment for her to recover and wrap her arms around my neck. As I held her tight, I realized it didn't feel all that different from the times I'd hugged her thinking she was my brother. It was that moment I realized something pretty important. I hadn't lost a brother. I just never realized she was my sister.
It was something I was determined to never forget again.
After years of separation, Carl is finally about to meet up with his best friend again, when he hears shouting coming from her house. Why does she sound so angry? Will what should be a happy reunion become a disaster? Will Brianna and her big brother have to leave? Read on and find out!
Brianna's Big Brother - Chapter 3
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
As I got near the end of the path through the woods, I noticed a muffled shouting. Brianna caught up with me and took my hand, looking worried and maybe just a little scared. "Is that Terri?"
"Sounds like it," I answered as we came out to a clearing. I stopped about twenty feet away from my best friend's house and tried to figure out what was going on. "That deeper voice sounds like her dad."
"Think maybe we aughta come back later?" my sister asked just as I was about to suggest the same thing.
Before I could answer, the front door to the two-story cabin opened and Terri stomped out. She swung around, nearly dropping the large bundle in her left arm, and shouted through the open doorway, "I hate you!" I half expected the graying cedar shingles covering the top half of her house to fall as she slammed the door. She caught sight of us and ran down the steps, but was slowed down when she had to shove her way through the knee-high grass and wildflowers that had grown over the dirt path leading through the clearing to where my sister and I stood.
The door swung open again and Terri's dad, still in his pajama's, stood in the doorway and yelled, "And where do you think you're going, young lady?"
My friend was just within arms reach when she spun around and yelled back, "Swimming! If I'm lucky, I'll drown!" Before her dad could come back with anything, she turned on her heel, grabbed me by the wrist, and led me back down the path I'd just been on. Brianna was still holding my hand and wound up trailing behind me.
I'd been taken by surprise, having forgotten how Terri always seemed to be dragging me around when we used to go anywhere, so it was nearly a minute before I asked, "What's wrong?"
I almost slammed into Terri when she stopped short, then barely managed to avoid falling over when Bri ran into me. My friend let go of my wrist, then turned on me and said with a low growl, "Men."
I couldn't think of anything to say to that, which was just as well, since I probably would have wound up putting my foot in my mouth no matter what I came up with. Brianna was still panting from trying to keep up with us when she asked, "What's wrong with men?"
Terri's expression and voice softened when she turned to my sister, "You're a little young to be learning this, but you'll have to eventually."
"Learn what?"
My friend closed her eyes. Pain filled her voice as she whispered, "Men will do whatever they can to get their own way, including lying to your face."
I wish I could say I was understanding when she made such a generalization, but my first reaction was anger. It took me a few seconds to realize she wasn't talking specifically about me. Instead of accusing her of being unfair, I swallowed my anger and asked, "Did your dad lie to you?"
A tear ran down her cheek as she opened bloodshot eyes and slowly nodded. The bit of anger I had shoved down melted when I saw how much pain Terri was in. Without a word, I opened my arms. I was in for a bit of a surprise when she stepped up to me and I held her close. Her loose, oversized shirt had done a pretty good job of hiding how she had ... developed. Once I realized why she felt differently than I'd expected, I did my best to ignore the strangeness and concentrated on hugging my friend as she cried on my shoulder.
Eventually, I noticed the crunch of footsteps behind me. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw Terri's little sister running towards us, shouting between pants, "Terri! Terri!"
My friend let go of me, thanking me with a smile, before stepping around me and shouting at her sister, "Cori! What the heck are you doing--"
Before Terri could say anything more, Cori ran into her and grabbed her older sister around the waist. "Please Terri, don't go."
Brianna stepped up to Cori, rested a hand on her shoulder, and softly asked, "What's the matter?"
Cori started sobbing, but still managed to answer, "Terri said she was gonna ... she was gonna d-drown herself."
My friend managed to loosen Cori's grip enough to slide down and hug her sister back. "I guess you must have heard me yelling at Dad." Cori just nodded and Terri hugged her tighter. "I made a promise to you and Mom I wouldn't do anything like that, and I meant it. I didn't mean it when I said I was going to drown myself. I was just mad at Dad and talking stupid."
I heard more gravel crunching and turned to see Uncle Rick (Terri's and Cori's dad) running down the path barefoot with the bottom of his bathrobe flapping around his pajama bottoms. He was still out of breath when he put his hand on Terri's shoulder and said, "Sweetheart?"
Terri flinched at the touch and shrugged his hand away. "Leave me alone."
"Please, just listen to me. I can explain everything."
My friend untangled herself from her sister and turned to face her dad. "You can explain why you were making out with your boyfriend in the kitchen?"
"We weren't making out. I was just giving him a kiss."
"That used to be the kitchen where you kissed Mom." Terri shot out an arm, pointing up the path. "That used to be OUR house." She paused. Her arm started shaking. "Then that ... that MAN came along and ruined everything!" Her arm fell and bright tears sparkled on her lashes. "You promised me he wouldn't be here."
He tried touching her shoulder again, but she stepped out of range. "You promised!"
Uncle Rick didn't seem to know what to do with his hands. Eventually, he shoved them deep into the pockets of his bathrobe. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Jason's seminar was canceled at the last minute and he had no place left to go."
"Couldn't he have stayed at the hotel?"
"Actually, he'd tried that, but his reservations wound up being canceled at the same time as the seminar. The hotel didn't have anyplace available because all the rooms had been booked up by another event."
Terri stared at the ground between her and her dad. The wind whispered through the tops of the pine trees all around us. I almost didn't hear my friend when she eventually said, "Oh."
Uncle Rick stared at the same spot. "Jason spent most of the night looking for someplace else. By the time he gave up and drove back home, it was after midnight and you and your sister were asleep. I had to go outside and talk him out of sleeping in the car. This morning, just before you walked into the kitchen, he'd been telling me how he'd made arrangement to stay at his parents' house."
Terri looked up, her eyes wide with surprise. "Didn't his mom say he wasn't to set foot in her house again?"
Her dad looked up at her and nodded. "He was able to get his father on the phone and explained the emergency, then his father talked to his mother, who eventually agreed it would be okay for Jason to stay for a couple of days."
My friend frowned. "You can't send him there."
"I'm not sending him anywhere. It was his idea."
"But staying there with the way his mom feels about him would be awful!"
My little sister surprised me by coming up with an idea I hadn't even thought of. "Ummm, maybe he could stay with my family at our camp site?"
Terri looked at her and smiled. "That's really sweet of you, but he's already got a place to stay."
Uncle Rick smiled too, but it seemed a bit forced. "That's true. Jason should be able to find something to do for most of the day, so he'll really only need to deal with his mother when he comes home to go to bed."
Terri reached out and took her dad's hand. "No, I didn't mean his parents' house, I meant ours."
His forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows popped up. "You sure, sweetheart?"
"I'm not exactly sure, but I always thought it was awful the way his mom treated him, and now I'm starting to realize I was being just like her."
"Terri, you've never--"
My friend covered his mouth with her free hand. "Please, let me finish." When he nodded, she pulled her hand back, uncovering a smile that looked a bit less forced. "What I'm trying to say is, I know you love him, which kinda makes him family, and family shouldn't push each other out of their own homes."
Uncle Rick reached out to Terri. Instead of pulling back like before, she leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his chest. He sniffled a bit and hugged her around the shoulders, then kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Terri. I can't tell you how much that means to me."
Cori stepped up to them and did her best to hug them both. "I'm so glad ya's ain't mad at each other no more."
Uncle Rick held tight to both his daughters, then looked up to Bri and me. "Hey you two. You're just as much family as anybody."
Bri caught what he meant pretty quickly and joined the group hug. Feeling silly just standing there, I joined in too. Once I got over feeling awkward, I started enjoying just being close to people I cared about. It reminded me a lot of the group hugs I used to be invited to before Terri moved away.
The only thing missing was my friend's mom.
Carl's attention was only drawn away from his little sister for a moment, but it was long enough for her to be attacked. How will Carl choose to react, and what will be the repercussions of that choice?
Brianna's Big Brother - Chapter 4
Copyright 2008 by Heather Rose Brown
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Sitting beside my best friend on the fluffy beach blanket she had brought with her, I watched my sister playing in the shallow end of the lake with Cori. At the moment, they were roaring and growling as they kicked water up onto the beach, flooding the tiny sandcastle town they had been building. While they weren't doing anything really girlish, neither of them seemed to be anything but a girl, which had me wondering how I had ever thought of Brianna as my brother.
I'd been deep in thought, trying to make sense of things, which is probably why I didn't realize Terri was trying to get my attention until she poked me in the ribs. I squirmed when she found my one ticklish spot. "Hey, no fair!"
She gave me a devilish grin. "I thought that'd get your attention."
I considered retaliating, but I'd never found where she was ticklish in all the time I'd known her, and I doubted I could now while she was expecting it. Besides, I wasn't all that sure about where the off-limit zones would be on this stranger who looked a lot like my old friend. "Sorry about that. I kinda got a lot on my mind."
"I pretty much figured that. Thinking about your sister?"
I nodded. "How'd you guess?"
"Oh, woman's intuition."
Hearing something like that coming from someone I'd assumed was a boy when I first met her surprised me. "When'd you become a woman?" I regretted my words when I saw pain flash in her eyes. "Oh god," I said, trying to back-pedal, "I'm so sorry. That just came out all wrong."
She patted my arm, which made my skin tingle for a moment. "It's okay, Carl. I've kinda been asking myself the same question too."
The invisible wall between us faded. Instead of a stranger, I saw my friend, and she was hurting. "You still wish you could be," I lowered my voice, "you know, what'd you said you wished you could be when I'd first found out you were a girl?"
Terri ran her fingers against the grain of the terrycloth in the small space between us. "I don't know ... maybe." She looked out across the lake. At first I thought she was going to say more, but instead her eyes seemed to bulge and her mouth dropped open. I turned to see what had caused such a reaction and saw two boys where our sisters had been playing. One of the boys was holding back Cori, while the other seemed to be busy holding someone under the murky lake water.
My heart froze when I saw Bri's head pop out of the water, gasping for air. The boy next to her laughed as he shoved her back down.
I don't remember getting up or running across the beach, but I do remember slamming into the boy who was holding my sister's head underwater. "You goddam piece of shit!" I was shaking with rage as he fell backwards into the water. "You are SO dead!" I tried kicking him as he crawled away, but the water was too deep and I missed. "Come back here, you little asswipe!" I roared as he got up and began running away.
Just as I was about to run after him and his friend, I felt a tight grip on my arm. "Let 'em go," Terri said from behind me.
I was still seeing red when I turned on my friend, "Let 'em go? Did ya see what he was doing?"
She slowly nodded. I then noticed the smoldering rage behind her calm voice. "The worlds full of little pricks like that, but you've only got one sister, and she really needs you now."
I looked past her and saw my sister kneeling in the water, choking and crying, while Cori whispered to her and held her close.
=-=-=
It was crowded inside Bri's tent with me sitting on one side of my sister and Cori snuggled under the sleeping bag with her on the other side. It was worse when Mom was in here changing my trembling sister into some dry clothes. I had tried to leave when she was being changed, but she had clung to me ever since I had carried her from the lake and she refused to let go of my hand.
The tent flap behind me unzipped. I turned to see my dad's head peeking through the opening. "She asleep?" he quietly asked.
I turned back to Brianna. Her sobs had turned to slow, deep breaths. Her tear-stained face looked relaxed instead of terrified. When I tried moving my hand, it slipped easily from her loosened grip. "I think so," I whispered back."
"Think you're up to coming outside for a minute?"
"I dunno."
Cori raised her head as she tucked Bri's arm under the sleeping bag. "Go ahead, Carl. You been sitting there like that for like ... like hours. Why don'tcha step outside and stretch a bit? I'll stay with her 'til ya get back."
=-=-=
"I'm really sorry," I said as I climbed out of the tent.
"What for?" Dad asked as he wrapped an arm across my shoulders.
"I'm sorry for not paying close enough attention to Bri, and for not beating the snot out of those two ... those. ..." Between the lump in my throat and trying to not swear around my parents, nothing else would come out.
"Come here, Son," he said as he pulled me into a powerful bear-hug.
"Daaad! People are gonna see," I said as I scanned the small part of the campground still visable over his muscular shoulder."
"Let 'em. Now are you going to hug your old man back, or is this going to be a one way thing?"
Realizing he probably wasn't planning on letting me go, I gave in and hugged him back. I was so glad I did. The ache I had been holding deep inside seemed to melt away. I hadn't realized I had started crying until he pulled back and brushed a tear from my cheek. "Carl, you've done nothing to be sorry for."
"But those kids--"
Mom hugged me from behind. "They're being dealt with, honey."
I turned in the arms of both my parents until I could look at my mom. "What ya mean they're being dealt with?"
Terri pulled herself up from a camper chair and stood in front of me, looking embarrassed and awkward. "I hope you don't mind me butting my nose into all this, but I called my father when Cori told me those two guys had caused problems before. He's friends with the owner of the campground, and he said he'll make sure their visit here gets cut short."
It took me a second for what she said to start sinking in. "You mean, they're gonna get kicked out of the camp?"
Terri nodded and smiled. There was a certain bit of pride in the way she squared her shoulders. "Yeah. He's pretty well known around here and people usually listen when he's got something important to say."
"Wow. Thank you." Those words didn't seem like enough to say what I was feeling, so I held out my arms to my friend.
"You're welcome," she said as we hugged. "What are best buds for?"
When Terri finally let go, my mom rubbed my back as she asked, "Think you're up to a little talk?"
"I guess so," I answered, tensing up just a little. Mom's 'little talks' usually were about pretty big things.
Dad led me over to one of the huge logs near the dead camp fire. After he sat one one side of me, Terri sat on the other, then Mom pulled up the camper chair and sat in front of me. She stared at her folded hands before looking up at me with a very serious, searching expression. "Carl ... sweetheart, how would you feel about starting at a new school this fall?"
In this chapter, Carl visits the psychologist Brianna has been seeing over the summer. After a brief chat with Carl, the psychologist brings in Brianna, who asks her older brother a question that could have a profound effect on both of their lives.
Brianna's Big Brother - Chapter 5
Copyright 2008 by Heather Rose Brown
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After Dad signed us in at the receptionist window, we followed her directions to Dr. Morton's office. Riding here in a car with no air conditioning in the blistering summer heat hadn't been fun. Even though the cool of the office building was a relief, the sick feeling I'd had getting here hadn't gone away.
Dad and I had just sat down next to Mom when the door at the far end of the waiting room was opened by an older man with greying hair and a neatly trimmed beard. Brianna's face lit up when she came through the door behind him.
"Carl!" Her pigtails bounced as she ran across the room. She probably would have knocked me over if I hadn't already been sitting down when she leaped at me and hugged me tight.
"Hey Bri," I said as I hugged her back.
"I thought you said you didn't need to see Dr Morton," she said as she released me and stood back up.
"Well, after Mom took you here, me and Dad sorta had a talk, and I decided to at least give this whole 'talking things out' stuff a chance."
The man who'd come through the door with Brianna strode across the room until he was standing behind her. "Good afternoon," he said in a warm, deep voice. "I'm Dr. Morton. Would you happen to be this young lady's brother?"
Even though I felt a little nervous talking to someone I'd just met, there was something about the way he stood and the gentleness in his eyes that made him a lot less scary than I'd expected. "Ermm, yeah. Sorry for not coming in before."
"Not a problem at all, Carl. Most people feel a bit uneasy about talking to head shrinkers."
Hearing a psychiatrist calling himself as a head shrinker hit my funny bone. I tried to keep down the laughter bubbling up, but a snort managed to slip out. Okay, maybe it was more of a giggle, but it was a very manly one.
The doctor smiled and held out a hand towards the door he'd just come through. "Would you like to join me for a little chat?"
The dread I was feeling after I'd told Dad I'd talk to the doctor was almost gone. I wasn't about to start skipping or anything, but I was able to follow Dr. Morton out of the waiting room without feeling like I was passing through the gates of hell.
After leading me into what looked more like a living room than an office, the doctor asked me to sit anywhere I felt comfortable as he closed the door. I decided on an overstuffed chair near the window and felt like I was being held in a warm, gentle hug as I eased myself down into it.
The doctor sat in a similar chair next to mine and smiled as he looked at me for a moment. The intense glare I'd been expecting wasn't there. It was more of a friendly, grandfatherly look. "First of all, I'd like to thank you for coming today, Carl."
That caught me a bit off guard. "Whatcha thanking me for?"
"Well," he answered as he leaned forward in his seat, "after hearing about the wonderful big brother Brianna's been telling me about, I've been hoping to get a chance to meet you."
I could feel my ears turning warm. "She must have been making up stories then. I'm not that great of a brother."
The doctor's eyebrows popped up and his eyes widened with surprise. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, when I'd first been told my little brother was my little sister, I pretty much just ignored her for a while."
Doctor Morton nodded, then was very still for a moment before asking, "How'd you feel during this time?"
Something about being asked about that time got under my skin and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Mostly, pissed off."
Instead of getting mad at me for swearing like my parents would, he just nodded. "You said, 'mostly'. Does that mean you felt other things as well?"
"Well, I felt kinda lonely too."
"Why'd you feel lonely?"
I had to think about that for a minute. "I guess it's 'cause when I was told I had a sister instead of a brother, it felt like my brother disappeared. I know this sounds stupid, but it felt like she killed him."
"That doesn't sound stupid at all. Many people have a sense of loss when they find out someone close to them is transgendered."
"So, what do they do when they feel like that?"
"There are as many responses as there are people responding. Quite a few react the way you did, by trying to ignore what's going on."
I hung my head and sighed. "I can't believe I did that to her."
The doctor lifted my chin until I was looking at him. "It's okay to feel bad about what you did, but try not to let it pull you down. You did eventually reach out to her, which shows a great deal of maturity for someone your age."
The 'someone your age' comment made me bristle. "I don't know if I feel all that mature. If I was, I probably woulda dealt with finding out about Brianna like my parents did and just moved on."
"Do you feel your parents weren't affected when they found out their son was their daughter?"
"I dunno. They were like all smiles when they broke the news to me, and they've been acting like Brian never existed and Brianna was always here."
"How did that make you feel?"
"I felt like I was the only one who cared Brian was gone."
"Do you still miss Brian?"
"Yeah, sorta."
"Why do you say, 'sorta'?"
"Well, it ain't exactly like he's gone. He's just become my sister."
"How do you feel about having a sister?"
"It's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I still get times when I feel awkward around her, but mostly it feels like she's the same person Brian was, just in a different package." From the way Doctor Morton's shoulders were hunched up, I got the feeling there was something behind the questions he wasn't saying. "Why'd you ask?"
He slowly brought his palms together, stretched out his fingers, and stared at his hands for a few seconds. He had a much more serious expression when he looked up. "When I first met Brianna, she mentioned wanting to ask you a particular question. I managed to convince her to wait until I got an opportunity to talk to you."
"What'd she wanna ask me?"
"I think it'd be best if she asked you herself. Would you mind if I brought her in here?"
When I nodded, he took in a deep breath and smiled before walking out of the room. My imagination went pretty wild with all kinds of ideas while I was left alone, but I still hadn't come up with anything that made much sense when the doctor came back into the room with Brianna.
"Why don't you sit in the chair next to your brother," he suggested while patting her shoulder.
"Hi Carl," she said, giving me a nervous smile as she sat down.
"Hey Bri," I answered hoping I didn't come across as nervous as she did. "What's up?"
She turned to Dr. Morton, who was sitting down on the sofa across from us. "It's okay for me to ask now?"
He gave her a slow nod. "Just take your time, and remember that it's still okay to change your mind if you'd like."
"I don't wanna change my mind." She turned back to me. "It's somethin' I just really gotta ask."
Curiosity about what the mysterious question was mixed with fear of what could make the question so hard for my sister. "Go ahead and ask. I'll do my best to listen."
Brianna took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "Well, first I wanna say it's really meant an awful lot how nice you been to me. You ain't teased me 'bout how I looked or acted or anything like that."
"Well," I said after thinking about spending the past few months with my new sister, "that ain't exactly true. There were actually a few times I remember teasing you, like when I'd told you your pigtails looked like puppydog ears."
Some of her nervousness faded as she grinned. "Well, yeah, but that was just regular big-brother teasing. I was thinkin' more 'bout how ya din't tease me for dressin' like a girl an' actin' like one."
I frowned while trying to make sense of what she just said. "Why would I tease you about that? You're a girl, ain't ya?"
Her grin shifted into a thoughtful smile. "Yeah. At least, I think I am. I know I've felt happier an' ... more me this summer than I ever been. But I also feel kinda bad, 'cause I had to take somethin' from ya to do that."
"Whatcha talking about?" I asked, feeling even more confused.
She stood up and took both of my hands in hers. "What I'm trying to say is, I've had a really great summer, but. ..."
I studied my little sister's face. Joy and grief seemed to be battling there. Unshed tears sparkled in her eyes. "But what?" I asked, barely able to speak at the sight of her in so much pain.
"But, I had to take away your brother to do that, an' I feel awful. That's why I was wondering if you'd. ..." She bit her lower lip and took in deep breath before continuing. "I was just wondering if you'd like me to go back to being Brian again."
It took a minute before my lungs started working again. "You wanna go back to being Brian?"
She started shaking her head, then shrugged. "I dunno. I've liked being a girl, but it ain't worth it if it hurts ya."
What I had just been offered started sinking in. I stood up and wrapped my arms around the person who'd been my brother for almost ten years and, for the past few months, had been my sister. "What I want, more than anything else, is for you to be happy."
Bri pulled back and looked up at me. "But me bein' happy means you bein' sad."
"What makes you think I'm sad?"
" 'Cause ya lost yer brother an' ya miss him ... I mean me."
"What I missed was *you*. After spending the summer with you, and seeing things like how you still slurp your cereal, or how you're still afraid of climbing trees, but do it anyway when I'm up in one, or how you still feel the same when I hug you ... I realized I didn't lose you. You're still you; you're just a little different."
My little sister blinked and a tear slid down her cheek before she nearly cracked my ribs with a hug. "I love you, Carl," she whispered.
For a moment, I felt very aware of the doctor being there and kinda stiffened when I realized another guy was seeing me being mushy. Eventually, I decided I really didn't care and started sniffling as I held my little sister close. "I love you too, Brianna. No matter what you do or what you call yourself, I'll always love you."
I'm so excited! Saphira kindly offered to translate my story, Shoes, to German! It's now posted on the German TG fiction website, Tor der Trá¤ume, which translates to something like Gate of the Dreams. The translated story can be found there under the name Schuhe, as well as below.
Schuhe
Copyright 2007 by Heather Rose Brown
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Die feuchte Morgenbriese war noch immer frisch, dennoch lies ich mein Schlafzimmerfenster offen um den Geruch von ká¼rzlich getrockneter Farbe loszuwerden. Die im Wind flatternden weissen Spitzenvorhá¤nge sahen in einem Jungenzimmer nicht wirklich passend aus, aber sie gená¼gten bis Mom schá¶nere finden konnte, welche in mein Fenster passten.
Ich lag auf meinem Bett und starrte an die schrá¤ge Decke, wá¤hrend ich mich fragte, wie viel Nichtstun ich wohl in den ersten Tag meiner Sommerferien packen ká¶nnte, als ich es klopfen há¶rte.
Ich schloss meine Augen und atmete tief ein. Der furchtsame Ton des Klopfens gab mir eine gute Vorstellung davon wer es sein ká¶nnte, aber ich wer noch nicht bereit ihn zusehen. Um ihn hinzuhalten wá¤hrend ich mich sammelte rief ich: ”žWer ist da?“
" Ich ... ich bin's“
Ich fá¼hlte mich wie ein Trottel als ich die Nervositá¤t in seiner Stimme há¶rte. Seit sich unsere Eltern mit mir hingesetzt hatten um mir die Verá¤nderungen zu erklá¤ren, die diesen Sommer passieren wá¼rden und besonders nach dem ich in meinen eigenes Zimmer gezogen war, hatte ich es vermieden mit meinem kleinen Bruder zu reden. Es sah nicht so aus, als ká¶nnte ich ihm lá¤nger ausweichen: ”žKomm herauf Brian.“
Als sich die Tá¼re knarrend á¶ffnete, realisierte ich, dass ich nur Unterwá¤sche trug. Ich fand ein paar verschwitzte Hosen im Wá¤scheberg neben meinem Bett und zog diese schnell an. Es fá¼hlte sich merkwá¼rdig an zu befá¼rchten so von jemandem gesehen zu werden mit dem man jahrelang ein Zimmer geteilt hat. Wá¤hrend ich mich zurá¼ck auf mein Bett setzte und anfing ein muffig riechendes, aber immer noch tragbares Polohemd á¼ber meinen Kopf zu ziehen, há¶rte ich leise Schritte langsam die mit Teppich bedeckte Treppe hochsteigen.
Das erste was ich bemerkte als ich á¼ber den Kragen meines Hemds sehen konnte, war sein Haar. Es war nicht das erste mal, dass ich ihn mit einem Pferdeschwanz sah, aber ihn há¶her an seinem Kopf zu sehen, lies ihn doch ein bisschen anders aussehen. Er erstarrte als sich unsere Blicke trafen und sein Gesichtsausdruck war irgendwo zwischen Sorge und Angst. ”žBist du sicher, dass es in Ordnung ist? Ich wusste nicht, dass du immer noch am schlafen bist.
Das war mein kleiner Bruder, immer an die Gefá¼hle anderer denkend. ”žIst Okay Bri“
Mein Bruder lá¤chelte als ich seinen Spitznamen wie Brie aussprach ( damit es sich auf Bee wie Biene reimte ) nicht wie Brei, und er begann wieder die Treppe heraufzusteigen. Ich war noch nicht bereit ihn Brianna zu nennen, aber seinen Spitznamen zu verbiegen war gar nicht so schlecht. Sein sonniges lá¤cheln zu sehen war es definitiv wert. Ich lá¤chelte zurá¼ck und tat mein bestes mich auf das vorzubereiten, was ich als ná¤chstes erblicken wá¼rde.
Ich war etwas á¼berrascht, als ich sah, dass er ein durchaus normales T-Shirt trug.
Ja es war pink und ja, es hatte kleine weisse Blá¼mchen drauf. Allerdings, wenn man die Blá¼mchen und die Farbe ignorierte, sah es nicht wirklich anders aus als ein normales Jungen T-shirt. Ich war noch mehr á¼berrascht, als er eine weitere Stufe hochstieg und ich sah, dass er eine noch normalere Jeans trug. ”žIch dachte, du wá¼rdest heute einen Rock tragen?“
Er stoppte wieder und sein Lá¤cheln schwand etwas. ”žUm ehrlich zu sein, ich wollte. Soll ich zurá¼ckgehen und mich umziehen?“
Erst in diesem Moment realisierte ich, dass er ebenso nervá¶s sein musste wegen dem Gesprá¤ch mit mir wie ich. ”žNein, du siehst gut aus.“
Bris Lá¤cheln kehrte zurá¼ck und er kam die letzten Stufen hinauf. In dem Moment sah ich die Schuhe. Sie waren pink, glá¤nzten und hatten kleine Lá¶cher durch die seine weissen Socken zu sehen waren und dá¼nne Riemchen die an einer Seite mit einer Schnalle geschlossen waren. Egal wie sehr ich es versuchte, ich konnte sie mir nicht als etwas vorstellen, was ein Junge tragen wá¼rde. á„hh, schá¶ne Schuhe.“
Seine Wangen wurden knallrot. ”žDanke, ich mag die wirklich sehr.“
Ihn so schá¼chtern und nervá¶s dastehen zu sehen war dann doch etwas zuviel fá¼r mich, also sprang ich von meinem Bett und rief: ”žGigantische Kitzel Attacke!“ Bevor er auch nur einen Schritt zurá¼ck machen konnte, war ich bei ihm und packte ihn um den Bauch.
Er kicherte schon als ich ihn auf mein Bett warf und es brauchte nicht viel Kitzelei bis er sich wand und quietschte: ”žStopp! Há¶r auf! Ich mach mir sonst in die Hose.
”ž Gut,“ sagt ich mit meiner rauen Kitzelmonster-Stimme: ”žIch denke nicht, dass das deinem grossen Bruder gefallen wá¼rde, also há¶r ich auf... erstmal.“
Bri lachte noch immer als er sich von der Kitzelei erholte, aber in seinen Augen war auch Traurigkeit: ”žIch habe meinen grossen Bruder vermisst.“
Ich habe meinen kleinen Br-- ich meine ich hab dich auch vermisst. Entschuldige, dass ich in letzter Zeit so blá¶d war.
”ž Naja, wir haben nicht so geredet, wie wir es frá¼her getan haben, aber du bist nicht gemein oder so gewesen. Dad sagte mir, dass du nicht geredet hast, weil du verwirrt warst und erstmal mit ein paar Dingen klar kommen musstest.“
Ich sa០auf der Kante meines Bettes und schaute á¼ber meine Schulter auf mein... meine Schwester? Das Wort fá¼hlte sich immer noch eigenartig an, wenn ich dabei an jemanden dachte den ich immer als meinen Bruder gekannt hatte. ”žIch bin immer noch ziemlich verwirrt.“
Bri setzte sich auf und rutschte á¼ber das Bett bis er ein paar Zentimeter von mir entfernt sass. ”žWas verwirrt dich denn?“
”ž Mom und Dad haben versucht mir zu erklá¤ren, dass du innerlich ein Má¤dchen bist obwohl du á¤usserlich wie ein Junge aussiehst.“
Er sah auf den Boden und baumelte die Absá¤tze seiner pinken Schuhe gegen den há¶lzernen Rahmen meines Bettes: ”žIch weiss nicht ob ich das ebenso gut erklá¤ren kann. Es ist wie wenn ich Linkshá¤nder wá¤re, es ist nicht etwas wozu ich mich einfach entschieden habe. Es ist einfach so wie ich bin.“
”ž Ich kann nicht sagen, dass ich es wirklich verstehe, aber ich versuche es in mein Hirn zu kriegen. Was mich wirklich verblá¼ffte ist, wieso du das Gefá¼hl hast, dich plá¶tzlich wie ein Má¤dchen zu kleiden. Wenn du schon immer ein Má¤dchen warst und du hast immer Jungensachen getragen bis jetzt, wieso musst du das á¤ndern?“
”ž Weil die Jungensachen sich nicht angenehm angefá¼hlt haben.“
”ž Was ist denn falsch an denen?“
Bris Fá¼sse há¶rten auf zu baumeln und er schaute hoch zu mir. ”žDie fá¼hlten sich einfach... falsch an. Es ist wie...“ Ich konnte fá¶rmlich die Glá¼hbirne á¼ber seinem Kopf aufleuchten sehen als ein Grinsen sich auf seinem Gesicht ausbreitete. ”žIch hab eine Idee, aber ich muss deine Schuhe ausleihen. Wo hast du die?“
”ž á„h, da drá¼ben unten im Schrank.“
Bri sprang von meinem Bett und und rannte in die Richtung die ich ihm gezeigt hatte und kam einige Augenblicke spá¤ter mit meinen guten Ausgeh-Schuhen zurá¼ck.
Nachdem er sie vor mir auf den Boden gestellt hatte, schaute er mich an, immer noch mit diesem komischen Grinsen. ”žOkay, zieh deine Schuhe an.“
Ich schaute herunter und stellte fest das der rechte Schuh bei meinem linken Fuss stand und umgekehrt. Als ich meinen rechten Fuss herá¼ber nahm um an den rechten Schuh zu kommen, fasste mich Bri am Fussgelenk. ”žNein, so nicht.“ Er fá¼hrte meinen rechten Fuss wieder zurá¼ck zu dem linken Schuh und zog ihn mir an. Danach tat er das gleiche mit dem linken Fuss. Nachdem er die Schná¼rsenkel in ordentlichen Schleifen geschná¼rt hatte, schaute er mit einem etwas ernsteren Ausdruck hoch. ”žWie fá¼hlt es sich an? Sind sie zu eng oder so etwas?“
”ž Es fá¼hlt sich komisch an die Schuhe verkehrt herum anzuhaben, aber es schmerzt nicht oder so.“
Bri stand auf und hielt mir eine Hand hin. ”žDenkst du, dass du aufstehen kannst?“
Ich nahm seine Hand und zog mich vorsichtig hoch vom Bett. Nachdem ich mein Gleichgewicht gefunden hatte, lies Bri meine Hand los, und machte einen Schritt zurá¼ck. ”žOkay, versuch nun zu laufen.“ Bri folgte mir als ich eine langsame Runde durch mein Zimmer machte. ”žSo, wie fá¼hlt es sich zu gehen mit verkehrt herum angezogenen Schuhen?“
”ž Ich weiss nicht. Es fá¼hlt sich...“
”ž Verkehrt an?“
Nun war es an mir, eine kleine Glá¼hlampe á¼ber meinen Kopf erscheinen zu haben. ”žDu meinst, das ist es, wie du dich dein ganzen Leben gefá¼hlt hast?“
Bri nickte still, ergriff dann wieder meine Hand und fá¼hrte mich zum Bett zurá¼ck. Die Federn á¤chzten als wir uns beide setzten. Als ich mich herunterbeugte um mir die Schná¼rsenkel zu á¶ffnen, fasste er meinen Arm. ”žBevor du das tust, versuch dir vorzustellen wie es wá¤re, wenn du die Schuhe niemals ausziehen ká¶nntest.“
Ich setzte mich wieder auf und schaute die Person an, die ich so lange Zeit fá¼r meinen kleinen Bruder gehalten hatte. Ich versuchte mir vorzustellen, wie es sich wohl anfá¼hlen musste, durch das Leben zu gehen und sich verkehrt zu fá¼hlen. Meine Fá¼sse fingen an wehzutun, als ich so da saáŸ, und ich fragte mich, ob es Bri weh tat sich verkehrt zu fá¼hlen. Mein Herz zerriss fast als ich daran dachte, wie jemand der mir soviel bedeutete mit solchen Schmerzen durchs leben gehen musste.
Schá¼tzend legte ich einen Arm um Bri, die erstaunt zu mir aufsah. ”žAlles okay?“
”ž Klar. Darf ein grosser Bruder nicht seine kleine Schwester knuddeln?“
Bris Unterlippe zitterte und eine Trá¤ne kullerte ihre Wange hinab. Ich reichte herunter und zog sie auf meinen Scho០und wiegte sie sanft als sie an meiner Schulter leise weinte. Ich schá¤me mich nicht zu sagen, da០auch ich weinte. Genauso wenig schá¤me ich mich zu sagen, dass ich meine Schwester liebe. Ich mag nicht viel von anderen Dingen verstehen, aber das ist etwas was ich verstehe. Wenn du geliebt wirst, ist der Rest dann noch wichtig?
Ich kickte meine Schuhe weg und widersetzte mich innerlich der Welt, auf das sie versuche mich zu á¼berzeugen, dass ich Unrecht habe.