A needed change - Part 1
I sat there and looked at the surprise on her face. I think she was expecting me to be nervous, not do what I just did, but I wanted to show her I was serious and it was the easiest way I could think of to prove it. I took hold of the end, pulling it back and looked at her, then I did it again, taking my hands away and waggling my eyebrows at her. I hoped she could see I was smiling, but instead I saw the door open and her boyfriend, Rich stand there looking at me.
I suppose I ought to start at the beginning, there’s a lot to tell before I get to that part and explain what was happening and why.
My name is Beck, my mum said I was named after the singer but would always blush when she said it, and as I got older it wasn’t hard to work out there must have been some connection to the singer and my name. My sister Jane would tease me that I must have been conceived during it. My mum and dad split up not long after I was born, Jane was already two by then, and a couple of years after that he moved to Australia with his new wife. I think he wanted to be closer to his parents who has moved back to Japan, although I’m sure it’s still a very long flight from there, but we were never close so I never really asked. He always paid child support to mum, always said we were welcome there, but the distance and being so young meant he wasn’t really part of my life. Mum had a few boyfriends, some serious, some only short term, but I always felt loved, always looked after.
I don’t want anyone to think what happened later had anything to do that, I always had positive male influences in my life, my mum’s parents were always there and always supportive of everything in my life. Even the ‘phase’ I went through as so many put it, yes, I would like to play dress up with my sister, and her being older it must have been fun having a living doll to play with. No one batted an eye about it, even if sometimes it was my idea to play dress up. I’m not sure when it stopped, I guess I just lost interest as I grew up, peer pressure and all that, but I stopped wanting to wear my sisters dresses.
Life went on, school life and got my exams, a couple of girlfriends, all the usual heartbreak and heartaches, but maybe pleased that my slightly exotic looks thanks to a half Japanese father giving me light brunette hair, but getting my mums blue eyes. My sister got the blue eyes and blonde hair, but maybe one thing that I became so much more grateful for now is that I’m not tall, only 5’7” and not big. I’m quite slim in fact, petite as my sister would say. It used to bother me, but when I got to university I met the most amazing woman in the world, and we were together all through to graduation, and moving into a really tiny flat as we tried to get jobs and stayed in the area.
I was lucky, she not so much. I got a good job in a graduate programme with a finance company and six months later they took me on and I was very well paid, enough to get us a great flat with a balcony overlooking the harbour. Sadly, she found it harder and ended up temping for a while. I should have paid attention to how she felt and I take a lot of the blame for it, but there’s not a lot of job opportunities for marine biologists who hated their degree and just stuck with it.
A year and a half after we graduated she said she wanted us to go travelling, but I didn’t want to walk out of my job. She told me how unhappy she was, was still trying to find her place and something worthwhile and fulfilling to do, and now I understood. I tried to help her, see what I could do to help her be happy, but six months later she said she had to leave, needed to get away and I didn’t fight to make her stay as I knew she needed it. She packed up some things and sent them home to her parents, filled up a backpack and left me, leaving everything else behind. I told her it was here for her when she wanted it, but after three months the fortnightly calls became once a month, after six months the postcards stopped. At the end of the year I stopped reacting to her social media, the only way I had to keep in any sort of contact.
I’m not sure when I stopped liking her posts, but it was clear that a year and a half later we were over.
Anyway, aside from the depressing state of my non existent relationship, at work I was having a great time. My work wife, Steph, well, she was just so much fun and made going in during the extended break up a pleasure. We had the same sense of humour, and always laughed. If she wasn’t at work, being there was just depressing and sitting next to her each day was fun. What was funny is that we both found each other attractive, except she was still in a relationship, and I think by this point neither of us would want something to happen between us, either if we were both single, and I liked that about us. There was no subject off limits, unless we were in the office and with others, but we literally talked about anything.
But back home, I was alone, and one Sunday I think you can guess what happened. I needed to finally start sorting out my wardrobe, or more accurately, my ex’s. I think I had been putting it off, trying to pretend that she might come back, but from my occasional looks at her social, there seemed to be another man in her life so it was finally time.
First I moved all her makeup and the jewellery she didn't want to take with her or send to her parents for storage, you know, the basic costume stuff, that went into the spare room and I just dumped it on the dresser in there. Then the clothes, starting with the whatever was in the drawers, taking the whole thing out and just dumping the contents onto the bed for sorting later. Then the wardrobe, grabbing things off the hangers and carrying them through, hanging them up.
On the second trip, when I opened the wardrobe door, I saw myself in the mirror, or I should say I saw my head and the dresses I was holding up in front of me. And everything from when I was younger came back. I froze, and all the social conditioning hit telling me it was wrong. But there were a few more trips and each time I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to pretend to myself that I wasn’t seeing what I would look like in them, trying not to give in to temptation. I looked at the clothes on the bed, the jeans, leggings, jumpers, some work out gear, and the lingerie. I don’t know how long I looked at everything, but I walked out closing the door behind me, resisting the thoughts in my head, trying to stop them from becoming clear, keeping it fuzzy so it’s not real.
I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea, keeping my mind elsewhere and watching something on TV for an hour or so. At some point I was back in my bedroom and looking at the half empty open wardrobe and started spreading my stuff out so it didn’t look so sad, and then my shoes on the floor and all of my ex’s shoes, boots and trainers at the bottom of the wardrobe; something else I need to move. I pulled them all out and onto the floor, and there were a pair of pink crocs she had brought and I was surprised she didn’t take them, but I moved my shoes in, then looked at the crocs, and slipped them on my feet as one less thing to carry, grabbed an armful and took them to the spare room, dumping them on the bed trying to ignore the nagging thought at the back of my head before getting the next lot.
On this trip I seemed to have mostly trainers and wondering why she had so many of them. Anyway, this time I stopped and looked at a couple of them as they were almost new, and I looked down at the crocs on my feet then back at the trainers in my hand. The nagging thought was still there, but trainers and crocs are unisex, right? So I stopped and tried one on, and it fit ok. I had a look at the size and even though it was just me there, I pretended to be surprised that I didn’t already know that women’s sizes in the UK are different to men’s, as I kept them on while I carried the second load of shoes to the spare bedroom. When I went back for the third load of shoes, I looked at a pair of her boots. I always liked these ones as they were flat and came up to just over her knees, and as she was already a bit taller than me and she always liked wearing heels. I was never insecure about it, but if we were out I liked being able to kiss her without tilting my head up.
Anyway, I was sitting there looking at them and the trainers I had on, but resisted the little voice, carrying the lot through and dumping them on the bed with the others, closing the door behind me and getting on the playstation to distract myself.
At some point I needed something to eat, and just got up to go out, not really sure what I wanted so just headed to the supermarket to browse, and yes, I was still wearing the trainers but they were plain and white so I didn't even think about it.
The next week with being at work, I didn’t go into the spare bedroom, but the trainers became part of my causal evening popping to the shop clothing, and on the Friday when I went shopping in the evening I wore them again, getting a minor thrill to be standing in the queue for the check out with a woman in front of me wearing the same pair.
Saturday though, I resolved myself to sorting out the spare bedroom and working out what to get rid of and should donate it to a charity shop or a clothing bin. I didn’t get far, you’re reading this so that’s kinda obvious, but not closing the door with the full length mirror was either a mistake or a blessing, but I kept holding things up to myself and looking. Finally, I just thought screw it, and I went to my bedroom, stripped off and walked back to the spare one naked. I looked at the clothes and caught sight of myself in the mirror, closing it for now and started looking through the piles of stuff on the bed. I needed some lingerie and there was a lot to choose from. A thong was tempting, but seemed a bit ambitious at this point, so some bikini cut briefs and a matching bra, stepping into one, and despite it being at least 12 years since I last wore one, I slipped it on like a pro, doing it up behind my back.
I opened the wardrobe as I knew what I was looking for, I had tried to keep it out of my mind but it was almost calling to me, but first I saw myself in the full length mirror and laughed. It’s not that I looked stupid, I’m slim and, well, petite if I’m being honest, it was more that the hair under my arms and the thatched cottage in my briefs just looked silly. Never mind, I’m not worried about that today, and I reached for a hanger. The hanger with a dress on it, a pink one. It was a jumper dress, and I still have it, but for some reason when I put it in here I just knew I had to wear it. I pulled it over my head, and I love it as it’s so soft, and quite baggy so I felt like I was being hidden by it, and just looked at myself in the mirror.
Ok, I looked dumb, but I felt happy. I picked up two pairs of tights from the bed and balled them up, stuffing my bra and looking at my profile, pulling the jumper dress tight on my body and admiring the shape I had created. I found another pair of tights, rolled them up and slipped them up my legs, them looked at the boots. I had no idea if they would fit as well as the trainers, but had to try and they were actually a bit loose, but for now I didn’t care, this is how I want to stay dressed for the rest of the day so made myself some tea and sat down to watch a film.
But I wasn't really watching it, there was a big piles of clothes calling to me, asking me to try them on so that’s what I did. I tried everything, shoes, underwear, seeing what fitted and what didn’t, and the latter went into a separate pile to be donated. I only got changed once into something more manly, and even then it was a pair of skinny jeans and a hoody that used to belong to my ex. They were my clothes now, it was clear she was never coming back for it, she never even asked me to keep any of it, so it was all mine. Anyway, I was in my skinny jeans and my hoody, with my trainers on when I answered the door for my pizza. I did take the bra off, I wasn’t that brave, but still, I felt both brave and ‘right’ somehow.
Still, I had a great weekend trying on loads of clothes and doing some googling, so by then I knew that I was going to work in drab. On the way home I popped into the supermarket, picked up a few things, including some hair remover for sensitive skin. I don’t know if I really planned to use it, I could have shaved, but I think I wanted it to feel a bit more permanent and avoid any stubble. I’ve never been hairy, Japanese genes I guess. But each morning in the shower I would look at the bottle but resisted the desire to use it or dress till the weekend. Steph did notice one thing, she asked me if I was ready to start dating again as I kept looking at the women in the office, but I couldn't tell her I was checking out their fashion sense, how they were dressing and matching their clothes to make a stylish outfits, what accessories they used, so I told her I was just looking.
Over the next few months, I got better and better at dressing, using the make up and watching lots of tutorials, staying tucked longer and longer, enjoying the smoothness of my skin and letting my hair grow a bit longer and telling people I was sick of short hair. I did buy a wig online, and while I liked how it looked, I wasn’t happy with how it felt and my plan was to get my hair long enough to use extensions. I got a pair of breast forms, B cup, and got them matched to my skin tone and learnt how to blend them with some waterproof makeup and made sure I always had more solvent and make up remover than I needed, I didn’t want to get stuck when I didn’t want to. But overall, I didn’t really spend a lot of money of this new hobby. I didn’t know where this was going, but I was enjoying it and other than a late night step onto my balcony, I hadn’t been outside, and while I liked the photos I took of myself, I always deleted them out of fear of them being found on my phone, laptop or the cloud.
My experiments so far had been quite limited, but my research had become extensive. I was learning more and trying new things, and one day while lounging in a bubble bath with a glass of red wine, my mind drifted to some videos I had watched online. I was running my hands over my body, loving how smooth and feminine I felt, keeping my hands away from one part of my anatomy that was screaming for attention, teasing myself with my fingers and I touched a tip somewhere, I added some pressure and enjoying the feeling of a finger inside me.
That became part of my weekend routine, and like everything else it escalated and I bought myself a toy to play with as well, which later became two as I quite liked, well, I liked the feel of one in my mouth at the same time. Months went by, Christmas came and went, the new year I stood on my balcony in a little black dress and heels toasting the new year at midnight, but rushing in when a neighbour walked out to avoid being seen. Steph sent me a text at midnight saying she wished I was at her party, they were having a great time, and I agreed to meet up with her and her boyfriend for brunch, and I felt quite sad in the morning not dressing how I wanted to, but did wear my white trainers to see her.
It was great seeing her, even if we are back at work in two days, and I like her boyfriend Richard, but having not seen him for a while, it was like something changed. I won’t say I fancied him, but for the first time I could see him differently, maybe how Steph sees him, and while I won’t say it was lust on my part, it was definitely something new, well, almost new, there’s that guy I like watching online, I mean, the girls seem to have a great time with him, so maybe a bit like him, a minor crush maybe?
Anyway, she showed me some pictures from the party, and a couple of people were in fancy dress as well as her and Richard, making me think of the costume in my other wardrobe I was yet to try on. Anyway, we just chatted and I lied about my new year, and the weeks passed and I decided to take some time off work, talking it over with Steph so she knew when I wouldn’t be there, and in early April, I had a special week to look forward to.
I had rationalised my cross dressing to weekends only as a way to keep my work life as normal as possible, but I wanted to have a whole week as a girl. On my way home on the Friday I did one of the biggest food shops I had ever done, making sure I had everything I needed for a week so I wouldn’t need to go out. Once all that was put away, I jumped in the shower and made sure I was smooth all over, washing the unwanted hair away. I looked at my face in the mirror and very carefully, I used the facial hair removal as tomorrow I didn’t want to have to shave my light beard.
Once that was done, it was into the bubble bath to fully relax and moisturise, listen to some music and drink some wine.
My plan for this evening was to just ease into it, I had plenty of time, but I found it hard not to put my face on, clip on some earrings and pull on my red jumper dress. I looked at my wig, but decided to go without it tonight, my hair was getting longer, and while some might say it was long for a man and I was having to spend a stupid amount of time trying to make it look manly, I was also slowly leaning into androgyny so I just pulled it all back and tied it up for work. But now I had swept it over my head and I thought it looked quite nice I went with it, curled up on the sofa and relaxed until I went to bed.
I woke up late the next day, and sat there looking in the mirror wondering if I should get some nicer sleepwear, but also admiring my bed head, I mean, it looks ok like this and it’s a lot more comfortable than a wig and I kinda like the fringe (or bangs if that is your cultural explanation for them).
Having no plans for the day, and no desire to go outside, I took a slow morning and breakfast, slow lunch, watched some rom coms, looked online for some other nightwear, but did very little with no plans. It was great!
Sunday I played around with my hair, watching tutorials to find out how I could style it and looking at the styling stuff my ex had left behind. Once I worked out the basics, or what each thing is called, I learnt more about how to give my naturally straight hair a bit more shape and body without tying it up tightly like I do for work. I mean, I liked those little waves, but now I can do more, or at least, I hope to be better at doing more by the end of the week.
Feeling a bit more confident, I did step out on to the balcony in daylight, not for long and if I heard the slightest whisper of noise from my neighbours I stepped back in, but being outside was nice. I mean, I was wearing leggings and a tee shirt, so from behind I could pretend everything was normal, but if they saw my face and make up it was a bit obvious. I was still worried about looking like a guy in a girls clothes, and I wondered if I would ever be brave enough to go out.
At 11pm that night, I got my answer. It might have been the two glasses of wine I had, the two full days as a girl with no worries about getting up for work tomorrow, I don’t know. The photos I took on a timer had looked good, and I felt good, but something made me get up and get changed. I was looking through my clothes, seeing what I liked and didn’t like and started putting an outfit together. Maybe this was always going to happen this week I thought to myself, if so there’s no time like the present.
Although by the time I was ready it was almost 1am, I mean, a girls first outing requires exactly the right outfit, work out the right make up to go with it, the right necklace, the right shoes and bag. I stood at the door to my flat, looking out the peephole and making sure it was empty. I cracked the door open then quickly closed it, turning out the lights, then opened it again and listened.
Silence.
Well, not complete silence, I could hear my heart beating, it seemed to be so loud and would wake everyone up.
I pulled the door wider and stepped out, holding the door open so I could jump back in. Still nothing, so I closed my front door as gently as I could, walked the short few paces to the lift and called it. I was thinking of walking down the stairs, but it’s a long way in heels, and I’m sure it would be noisy. The lift arrives and thankfully it’s empty, and as I walk in I checked myself out in the mirror on the wall, almost forgetting to press the button for the ground.
In the bright light of the lift my heart seemed even louder and the ping seemed like a siren telling everyone to look at the freak. I pulled my handbag closer to me as I crossed my arms and walked to the main door, my heels clicking on the tiles in the foyer and I stepped outside.
The first thing I felt was the cool air on my legs and up my skirt, then on my stomach and wondering if I should go back and change to a jumper that covered a bit more flesh, but something seemed to make me carry on and I started walking along the empty street. I realised I had no plan and wished I hadn’t been drinking or I could have gone to the garage and got in my car instead, but I was here now, so I may as well walk around the block.
My heart seemed to slow down, and walking in heels on the pavement was very different to walking in them inside, my feet felt less secure and I wish I had worn flats for this first outing in case I needed to run. Strangely I picked the skirt for that reason, but not the shoes, but I did love these little ankle boots.
Anyway, I didn’t walk far I was wearing heels and it was my first outing, but I did walk around the block twice as I wanted to stay out for a bit longer. Being out and dressed how I was just felt right, I felt feminine, I felt comfortable and I felt happy.
As I walked I looked at my reflection in windows, and just enjoyed how I felt, but when I heard a car, I would hunch up and try to hide, which was a bit pointless, and just made me look suspicious I guess.
Which explains what happened when I heard a car that slowed down. My heart started to get loud again, fear was ripping through me, and I was wondering what was in my bag I could use as a weapon, but then a voice said, “Are you ok miss?”
I just nodded, not wanting to look, but in the reflection of a window I could see it was a police car. Oh well, now I’m going to get arrested and I felt myself blush in embarrassment and fear, and just nodded.
I looked up at them, hoping they could see I was embarrassed, but they spoke again, “Are you sure you’re ok miss?”
And the car stopped and one got out.
Oh Jesus! I’m going to have to talk to them. I stopped, resigned to my fate, and turned to them. I’d been practicing my voice, but was so nervous right now it came out a bit squeaky. “Yes, I’m just going home.” And I pointed to my block about 100 metres away.
The policeman walked towards me, saying he was worried I might have been attacked and some of my fear disappeared, they were worried about me. I said, “No, I’m fine and it’s only a short way and not late.”
My confidence seemed to be returning, I could see he was worried, but more than that his partner still in the car was checking me out. They really did think I was a girl, and I wasn’t acting suspiciously, I was acting like someone in distress. I thanked them and carried on walking, and they sat in the car watching me walk to the door and open it with the fob. I looked back and gave them a wave and smile, but now I got nervous again. I mean, I don’t really know my neighbours, no one does these days in blocks like this, but I am on nodding terms with them. The ping of the lift on my floor seemed loud again, and my normally quiet door seemed to scream as I opened it, but I was home and the adrenaline hit me again. I walked into my bedroom and fell back on my bed as all the wine, and nerves slowly washed out of me as I fell asleep.
At 7am my alarmed screamed me awake, and I sat up, still in my clothes from last night. I looked at my face and my makeup was a mess, and I looked at my feet in my cute boots, surprised I slept in them. I kicked them off, and decided to get up, having a shower and cleansing my face. I still looked good and still no beard coming through, and wondered what to do today.
As I was putting on some matching pink lingerie, I thought that last night had been unexpected, but really good, and talking to the police up close seemed to go well. I have no idea if I passed, but if not they didn’t say anything about it. Maybe they couldn't tell in the dark. I couldn’t work out what to do with my hair today, so I just gave it some simple waves, mainly because it was the one I could do without looking it up, then my makeup and looked at what clothes options I felt like for today. There was a blue green skirt I liked that came to below the knee, and a jumper that I thought went well with it, or at least, I’ve seen women wear similar colour schemes and I thought it looked good and matched well. I now know it’s a teal skirt, but like I said, I’m learning. Anyway, I went bare legged, it wasn’t a warm day, but I felt it might be a bit too much, and put on some ankle boots. As I was drinking my coffee and eating a slice of toast, I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost 9am and I had nothing to do today and was dressed and ready to go.
But I had no plans to go anywhere, and ignoring what I did last night, I wasn’t planning to go out at all this week. And I could see my car keys, and my heels weren’t that high, only about an inch.
I mean, I know I seemed to pass last night, but it’s daylight now, should I?
I think I had made my mind up before I even got dressed this morning, but I found myself looking for a handbag that would go with this outfit, putting my car keys in the bag and walking to the door. At the last minute I stopped, looked down at myself and went back to the spare bedroom and picked up a pair of white trainers with pink trimming, and walked out the door. I didn’t stop to look this time figuring that if someone is out there it would make no difference anyway, but it was empty and I waited by myself.
I got in the lift, hit the button for the garage, and turned to face the mirror and played with my hair. Two floors down the lift stopped and my eyes went wide. The door opened and I tried to stay calm, taking deep breaths. A man and a woman got in, said hello and then like everyone else in a lift said nothing. The woman looked at the trainers in my hand and smiled at me, but when the doors opened she said to me, “That’s why I’m making him drive today.”
Her eyes flicked down to my heels and her own, and I smiled, scared to say anything back as I walked towards my car, suddenly feeling pleased it’s a small little hatchback rather than something ‘manly’. I waited in the car for them to leave first as I wanted to see if I could drive in these boots, and within five metres I stopped and changed into the trainers.
I had no plan of where to go today, but knew I wanted to be somewhere I could be seen, see if I could blend in and hopefully avoid talking to anyone. So I picked an outlet shopping village nearby, figuring at this time of day it would be empty and I wouldn’t see anyone I know.
The drive there had a bit of commuter traffic to sit in, but after that ok, but I did feel really self conscious changing my boots before I got out the car after parking. Walking around the shops, while it wasn’t weekend busy, I was surprised how busy it was, but more than that my plan to not speak went out the window very quickly. I was enjoying looking at the clothes in person rather than online, and while I had a pretty decent wardrobe it was nice to look and see what else I might like to have.
But in each shop I went in it felt like someone who worked there asked me if I needed help, and at first it was a bit annoying but I quickly picked up on it being normal for women. They were looking for something to do, and unlike in men’s shops, women do talk to each other. Each time I chatted to a woman, I was trying to see if they were reading me, but if they did they didn’t show it. After about an hour of looking at lots of clothes, I needed a coffee so went to Starbucks and just ordered it, and then they asked for my name. Without thinking, I replied, ‘Beck’ and they wrote it on the cup.
I had never thought about having a fem name, I had read on a lot of the cross dressing sites that people have one, and even though I am clearly a cross dresser, it had just never occurred to me as until yesterday I never intended to go outside. So while I waited I tried to think of one that I liked. But I didn’t need to, as they called out ‘Caramel Macchiato for Becca’, and I went to pick up my coffee. As I sat down at a table and took out my phone, I thought to myself, ‘Beck. Becca, Rebecca, Becs. I like it.’
After I finished my coffee, I went for another look around the shops, and finally plucked up the courage to try something on, this really cute blue jumper dress and decided to buy it, the first item of women's clothing I had brought just for myself, and I loved it. The whole trip had been really good and I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. On the drive back home I felt like it would take a jackhammer to wipe the smile off my face, and once inside I put my new dress on, but after half an hour I took it off. I knew I would be going out again and I didn’t want to ruin it before then.
The next day, it was kinda a rinse and repeat, but this time I went a bit further away, getting there later in the day, and while sitting there having a coffee I created a new insta account for Rebecca, and getting back some of the photos in my deleted folder. Maybe I kept them for this very reason, who knows, but I just said it was a new account in the bio. While I was sitting there doing this, I hadn’t noticed the lunchtime people arriving and it had got quite busy, only noticing when a man asked if he could sit at my table. I gave him a smile and a nod, but kept my head down to look at my phone. He was very polite, never bothered me, and I wondered how I looked to him, did I pass, was he just a chaser (yes, I had learnt all about them and why I was being careful with hashtags), or just saw me as a woman. My heart was going a bit faster, but I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes with no one pointing and shouting at me, so I forced myself to calm down and finish my coffee.
When I stood up, he looked at me and said thank you, and I walked away. I saw him check me out, he looked me up and down and being a man under these clothes, I could see what he was thinking as he looked at me. It made me feel a lot more confident as I strutted my way down the street, wondering why I quite enjoyed the look in his eyes.
On Wednesday I had to go food shopping, even if I did do a lot of shopping on Friday, and I looked through my now extended wardrobe trying to decide what to wear, or even how far away I should go, but I spotted the jeans and thought I would try them for the first time. Once they were on, I took them off as I didn't like how they looked in the mirror, and went to the lingerie draw and picked out a thong. I’d never tried one of these before, not sure if I would be able to tuck in it, but I guess lucky for me I could, I mean, I’ve never been big down there but they seemed to be good enough to hold me in place, and the tight jeans helped give me a bit more confidence. I put on a tee shirt, a hoody and a hat, but my breast forms stayed on as I couldn’t be bothered to unstick them.
The supermarket was about a mile away, so no point driving and I just walked out, smiling to the concierge as I passed them. I’d never really spoken to them before, they only worried if you didn’t have a key or fob, or maybe a big delivery, but they didn’t react to me. Walking to the shop I felt nervous, already I felt bare without any makeup on, so just had to use a little, besides, I had boobs so it would look out of place if I didn’t.
In the store, I picked up some cleaning stuff as I suddenly decided that would be the theme for the day, and as I walked out, I bumped into the neighbour from Monday in the lift. She was chatty and we talked about nothing in particular, I was still nervous about being discovered, but she just seemed to accept me as a woman, making me hope I don’t meet her when I have to be in drab.
But that all went out the window when as she stepped out the lift on her floor that ‘You look much better like this.’
I stood there with my jaw on the floor and the lift doors started to close. I quickly put my hand out and asked what she meant, and she said, “You know the whole tomboy androgynous look, it’s nice you’re embracing your femininity.”
And she headed for her door as the lift shut and carried on it’s way up. It gave me a lot to think about, and half an hour later I went back on knocked on her door. She was home alone, I think I would have died of embarrassment if her husband had been there, but I opened up and told her everything, well, almost everything. It was nice to get it off my chest, and have someone to talk to about it.
I stayed for about an hour, and she told me that she instantly recognised me in the lift, but her husband didn’t, and she had no problem with it, and in fact she first thought I was a woman anyway. She listened to me, but being about 15 years older than me we didn’t have a lot of crossover in experience, but she told me if it ever got too much for me, she would be happy to chat and talk things over. Back home as I was doing the cleaning, I thought I was quite lucky she didn’t judge me, it’s not like all parts of the world right now are so friendly, but she was great and offered me some fashion tips, which was mainly look on instagram for fashion ideas and copy any outfits I liked to help learn what works best for me.
Over the next few months we would pass each other and stop to chat for a bit, sometimes I would be Becs, sometimes I would be Beck, but she always had a nice word for me.
Anyway, on Thursday I didn’t go anywhere, I just wanted to relax and think about things, do some searches online to see what else I could learn about what I was going through, was it just trying to relive my youth or was I looking at making this a bigger part of myself? I had a lot to think about that day, but ultimately, I like doing this and see no reason why I should stop doing it. But like Sharon my neighbour said, I clearly don’t want to be a wallflower if I’m going out shopping.
So for Friday, I decided to take a somewhat stupid risk. I needed to pick what to wear carefully, I wanted to look good, but also be able to blend into the background and a lot of the clothes I had available were a bit more dressy. In the end I went with a black roll neck jumper and a short denim skirt with black ankle boots, copying something I saw on insta as an outfit of the day.
I had to be brave today, but I needed to know something, so I made my way dow to the my car, checking the time on my phone and I had plenty to spare. I got to a smaller shopping area, kinda boutique and not many chains here, and kept an eye on the time as I walked around window shopping. Well, mostly window shopping, I picked up a pair of earrings for whenever I decide to pierce my ears.
About quarter to twelve I headed to a coffee shop, ordered a coffee and a sandwich, and sat to one side well away from someone who was here earlier than I expected them to be. I knew they wouldn't recognise me today, I might have hung out with them but not enough for them to see me under these clothes. But his girlfriend Steph might recognise me, so I wanted to be out of her line of sight. I knew they always meet here on Fridays for lunch together when he’s not away for work, but seeing him here early did make my heart jump a bit. I could see him in the window reflection looking out, and I was focusing on him so intently I didn’t notice Steph walk past looking it. She of course walked over to him, hugging him and kissing him, but she didn’t notice it was me sitting here.
I watched them in the window, even having a second coffee to stay a bit longer, I just wanted to see how she interacted with people, wondering if or what I should tell her and when. About ten to one, they both got up to leave, and I put my cup down to pay more attention as they walked to the door. I still hoped she wouldn't recognise me, but I was so happy to see her and feeling bad about not replying to her texts this week. Steph headed back to work, while he went the opposite way, and I decided to follow him, wondering if this made me a stalker, but the truth is I wanted to interact with someone who knew me in passing, find out how they react, and Steph had told me enough about his dating past for me to know he should at least be accepting of me.
He went into a newsagents, and I followed him in, standing in the queue next to him holding a magazine I picked up randomly. He ordered some cigarettes which surprised me, but he looked at me, looked me right in the eye twice and never once knew who I was. I even caught him as he looked me up and down, so now I knew for sure, yes I do pass, and it’s not a big deal. It wasn’t the only thing I now knew, and maybe this might be the way to tell Steph, as without a doubt I fancied him a bit.
That evening at home I think I went to town with my two toys, one at each end as I watched my favourite guy online doing the things to women that I was doing to myself, wishing he was here instead. I was a very satisfied girl that evening, with a plan for how I can introduce Steph to Becs. I mean, I was still worried that she might be one of those TERFs, I had never heard her say anything or do anything that suggested she might be, but I was nervous about sharing this secret with her.
But I think I knew how I could walk her into it gently.
A Needed Change - Part two
On Saturday I had no plans, and knowing it would be busy out I had no desire to go out there either. I made myself some French toast for breakfast and just sat about relaxing, wearing a simple cotton dress and just hung out really. While walking from one room to another I passed the intercom which buzzed, and without thinking I picked it up, cursing myself for doing it as I said hello.
“Beck, is that you?”
It was my sister Jane, and what am I supposed to say at this point, no? I said hello and asked what she was doing here, but she told me she was passing and thought she would drop in. With very little options I pressed the button and ran to the bathroom, looking at myself and the make up remover, but stopped. I hadn’t put a bra on this morning and in the short run to the bathroom one of my boobs had bounced out of the dress when the button came undone. I would never be able to remove them and my makeup quick enough, so the best thing to do was just put a bra on and face the music.
I unlocked the front door for her to let herself in, and went to sort out a bra, walking out of the spare bedroom as she came in towing an overnight suitcase. She saw me, and for a fraction of a second she froze, but then carried on like it was nothing, asking me if the kettle was on, and telling me I looked nice. Going with the flow I walked to the kitchen, complimented her on her jacket and asked how come she was ‘just passing’.
Turns out she really was, she had been in Brighton and for a couple of days and was on her way home so she broke her journey to say hello. As we caught up, not once did she ask me a single thing about what I was wearing or how I looked. Once we both had our tea, we went to sit on the sofa at opposite ends, both curling our feet under us, and looked at each other and burst out laughing.
“So, is Becca back then?”
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
She went on to explain that when we played dress up, I always wanted to be called Becca, short for Rebecca and it all came flooding back to me that I always liked this name as it was easy to switch to if I said the wrong one.
I told her all about the last few months, she knew about my broken relationship of course, but how I lost ‘our’ friends in the break up as they were always her friends. Since then, it meant that apart from work I didn’t really have a social life, and how I seemed to just fall into this, finding some comfort in it over the last six months out so. She shuffled over to me and gave me a hug, and I rested against her, getting comfort from her as it all seemed to flow out of me, telling her everything, even about how I took a week off work just so I could be this version of me, and that when I was out and about, I just seemed to fit in and no one looked twice at me.
“I’m not surprised, you always looked happy as a girl, but now you got those puppies you look great!”
I hit her with a cushion.
She wanted to see my wardrobe so we went into the spare bedroom and she asked why I kept it all here, making me shrug and wonder that myself as I looked around. It was a lot more girly than the main bedroom, but it also helped to keep things separate, like I didn’t want my two lives to mix. Anyway, she found one of my dildos, which was embarrassing and led to a separate conversation which I pointed out was neither needed nor wanted right now, just suffice to say that yes, I have toys, and no I don’t know what it means in the long term.
And then she dropped a bombshell bigger than Becca always being my name. “But you know you’ve always been bi, right?”
“How can you know it if I don’t know it yet?” I asked.
“You had a boyfriend when you were little, when we played dress up you had an imaginary boyfriend.” She told me.
I said, “Huh? Anyway, so what, that was just playing, it meant nothing.”
“If it meant nothing explain to me why you have boobs?”
She had a point I guess, and I told her it was probably just something else to add to my list of things to think through. Anyway, we chatted for a while and I showed her my new insta which she followed immediately and I made us both lunch. While I was sorting it I got a text from mum, as it seems Jane let the cat out of the bag and sent a screenshot of one of my insta’s, so that’s another conversation for the future, but at least she just said I looked nice and to enjoy myself while being careful.
Jane told me that meant I was going to get the ‘make sure you’re safe everywhere you go’ chat from mum, but that’s ok, I’m not being dumb. Hanging with my sister again was nice, we hadn’t seen each other for months and we chatted like never before and at some point she decided to stay overnight, taking her case into my bedroom, pointing out it’s time I slept in the one with my clothes in. I did change the sheets for her, it’s only fair, but we ordered in some food and she dared to me answer the door in a bikini, but no, I would not do that.
After we ate, she told me I had to do a forfeit as I didn’t do the dare. I pointed out we never agreed to those rules, but she said it is one I would like, and all I needed to do was get cleaned up. I had no idea what she was on about, but she told me it was time for a make over, and I thought it might be fun, just like when we were kids but now she knows what she is doing, which hardly seemed like a forfeit to me. She used my en-suite and I used the main bathroom, cleaning off my make up, making sure I was smooth all over and washing my hair as instructed. Once we had both finished we met in my bedroom (the spare one), and we started working on our hair, sharing the dryer and giving me lots of tips from her on how to style it myself.
Then it was time for make up, and I had to do mine, with touch ups from Jane, and she needed to borrow some of mine to do her own face as her work trip wasn’t that kinda of event. Anyway, we had fun, laughing, drinking wine, doing our faces and talking about clothes and work and her lack relationship as well as mine.
Once we had done our faces, we started going through my wardrobe, looking for something to wear. Maybe I was stupid at this point, but I think you can tell where it’s going, but for me it was just an extension of my week and our childhood of playing dress up. Once we had both picked something we liked and both approved of, she told me what you already know. We were going out.
I panicked. A lot.
It’s one thing going out during the day to look in shops, it’s another thing to do a late night walk, but how we were dressed it was clear she wanted to go out, out, and as much as I was denying it, I did too.
And it was so much fun!
We got a cab, and following careful instruction before we left, I now knew how to get in and out of a car, a good thing too as the dress was quite short and the gentle breeze was enough to lift it. The strapless bra was a new experience, but I was grateful for it as the dress was off the shoulder. We went to a lot of bars, we drank a bit, had drinks brought for us we never touched, flirted with some guys, a first for me but as I had no intention of doing anything with them I wasn’t bothered. I saw three guys from work, not ones I knew well, just recognised, and was thankful they stayed elsewhere in that bar.
But more than that, I felt really confident being out and about, mixing with people and just having a great time. If I had been out as a guy with guys, I would have been drinking more and talking less, but this time everything just felt fun and, well, right. Even sharing a toilet stall with my sister felt right, there was nothing weird about it, even when I had to tuck in front of her. It was quite funny chatting too a guy while my sister made out with his friend, and I saw her look at me while doing it, telling me with her eyes to do the same with the other guy. I wasn’t ready for that, I mean, I have done a lot this week but wasn’t ready to make out with a random guy. But I did kiss him on the cheek when we went to the next bar. What I mean is I did it, it was my idea, I leant over and put my lips on him, touching him with them, and it felt like a cute thing to do.
And it was fine, it didn’t even feel sexual, but then Jane told me later when we got home that when she was kissing the guy it wasn’t sexual for her either, she just wanted to have a little fun and I should have let my hair down. In bed I had a lot to think about that night.
Maybe I should have grabbed the opportunity? I mean, he wasn’t ugly.
But I still feel like this is just a bit of fun, but I also don’t seem to be able to let go of it as maybe that’s the step I’m not ready to take, a random man who doesn’t know the truth about me, rather than stopping this. Should I see if I can get a date online, just try it out to see where it might go? But that’s not the image I have in my head, if I do it, I want it to feel romantic, not slutty.
I want to be attracted to the man I kiss.
In the morning we talked a bit over breakfast while she booked her train home, and she never once mentioned how I was dressed, which was in a long hoody, really a dress and over the knee socks. With an hour or so to spare before she needed to leave, I suddenly found myself on the end of a ‘big sister talk’. She did say at least I wasn’t being stupid, not going too fast, but also seemed to be enjoying the experience of being a woman. And once again she told me something that I seemed to have blanked out from when we were kids, in that I cross dressed a lot more than I thought I did.
It seemed I quite enjoyed dressing, and would often dress at home, even going out as Becca with Jane and mum. But it all stopped one day when I threw a mini tantrum and demanded to be allowed to dress, I must have been about 11 at the time, maybe even 12 when it happened. I wanted to dress up, but mum needed to go shopping and as we were both young, we had to go with her, but I wanted to stay home in my dress. Mum said if I wanted to stay in it, then I had to come shopping as well, and maybe I was just being bloody minded, but I did.
And that was the last time I wore a dress, as in the supermarket I saw a school friend and wanted to leave immediately, but mum told me this was my choice, and choices have consequences, so I need to suck it up. Of course, the moment we got in I changed and never asked to wear a dress again. I was struggling to remember it, I had a vague memory of it being scared outside in a dress, but nothing clear, and it took a text from mum to convince me it happened. Maybe that’s why it took me so long from first that time I moved the clothes, to the first time I went out?
But here I was in a hoody dress, and last week was clearly something important that I needed to do, and maybe this has always been part of me and now it’s had the opportunity to come back. I hugged Jane bye at the lift, then looked at myself in the mirror. Tomorrow I had work, so I needed to get out of Becca’s head and back into Becks. But I didn’t want to change, so I opted for some jeans and a tee shirt, removed my makeup and just lounged about before getting up and sorting out my bedroom, by which I mean I sorted Becca’s bedroom, moving things into it so that I really could keep my two parts separate, tidied up my clothes, put those I would wash during the week in a pile on the bed, took off the jeans and tee shirt and underwear, adding it all to the pile, then walked out closing the door behind me. In Beck’s bedroom, I grabbed some sweats and a tee shirt for the rest of the day, trying to put Becca out of my mind till tomorrow at least.
On Monday I put on my work clothes, trousers and shirt, socks and my strangely uncomfortable shoes considering what I had become used to wearing, anyway, I drove to work, parked up and headed towards the building, bumping into Steph on the way in. She ran the few steps towards me and flung herself at me in a hug. She’s done this before when one of us has been on leave, but this time I hugged her back, very aware I was hugging her back like a girl as she told me never to leave her alone again. I promised the same of course, and made her say the same to me. The work day was a work day, what else can be said, although I had to keep forcing myself to be a bit less feminine as it had become habit, but at lunch time we both went for a coffee and caught up, even though we had covered everything in extremely edited highlights already.
I managed to hold things back, not quite sure how much I should say, but I decided that when giving her a lift home I would tell her the one thing I have planned so I can test the waters. In the end I bottled it, I just lost my confidence when the words were ready to come out. On Tuesday the same again, I tried to tell her but didn’t, I mean, she’s not just a work friend, we hang out together of work sometimes, maybe not a lot, but she has a hot boyfriend and I’m single. Wait, did I say her boyfriend is hot? Ignore that, I’m waiting to have that conversation later.
Anyway, on the Wednesday giving her a gift home, she suggested we stop somewhere for a drink. Once we were seated outside with our beers, she looked around then looked me right in the eye.
She said, “So, there’s something you wanted to say the last couple of days on the way home but didn’t. What did you want to say?”
Oh god, she knows, Richard did recognise me, she saw me in the cafe and she knows. I could feel myself going red and looking around, I noticed we were away from everyone, she was giving me a chance to open up.
I looked at her and said, “What do you mean?”
“Oh please, twice you were about to say something but stopped yourself. Wait, has the runaway bitch come back and you think I might get jealous?”
She never met my ex, but always calls her that and I can see from the look on her face she’s serious. Ok, it’s time to man up. I know I can’t tell her about Becca, I mean, I want to, but I’m still not sure about it. My sister is always going to accept me, same goes for mum even if she did go on about my safety when I called her on Sunday. But telling Steph? I want to tell her, I really do, but I think for me this approach might be a good one for now.
I take a deep breath, check again we can’t be overheard, and say, “Um, I don’t know why, but for some reason I really want to give a blow job.”
She starts to say something but stops herself, finally saying, “Well, that’s a lot better than you telling me you’ve got a new job.” She pauses before saying, “Or your ghosting ex.”
“Is that what you thought I was going to say?” I asked.
“Yes, I know I always say ‘don’t leave me again’ when you’ve been on leave, but I thought this time that’s why you were nervous to tell me something. Still, I can’t blame you you for being nervous, I mean, you know I’m not a fan of those types of job but at least you won’t need to leave me to for it.”
We looked at each other and started to laugh, then had a quiet conversation about it, and my sexuality, or Beck’s that is, and that it might just be curiosity, but I wanted to taste one and I’m not sure why. She asked why I didn’t try it during my week off, and I talked a little about how I don’t just want to drop to my knees, I kinda want it to feel like it’s special, so it probably won’t happen anyway.
She looked at me as she thought about it and said, “You know, not all men cum from oral, right?”
I admitted I didn’t, but I think Becca must have been shouting in my ear as I asked, “Um, does Richard?”
She didn’t even pause as she said, “No thank god, I’ve never liked the taste but some people do and you never know, you might be one of them.”
I said maybe, who knows, but I told her I was glad I had shared it with her, I feel like with everything we know about each other it only seemed fair I shared it. She gave me a sly look, and said, “Just so you know, each person tastes different, so any experience you might have with the flavour won’t translate to others.”
I looked at her and her eyes were asking me to share one more thing, and I held up a finger and said, “Just once, it was ok, but like you, my back isn’t flexible enough to drink from the source.”
We drank our beers, chatted and it wasn’t mentioned again, but as always I felt close to her and the next day at work it wasn’t mentioned, although she did ask me if I ever looked at any of the guys we work with wondering what they might taste like, but I made it very clear with my eyes that wasn’t open for discussion. On Thursday it wasn’t discussed at all, and today I felt a lot less Becca for the first time, feeling that I had put my week of practicing movements and speech behind me, not falling into it once. But when we walked out the office, Richard was waiting for her and I instantly felt Becca again, making Steph ask me if I was ok.
I was, it’s more that I felt the other side of me wake up, and I had to spend the whole evening on the playstation to try and keep some distance from her. I mean, on Monday at work it was the first time I stood up to pee in a week and it felt weird doing it that way again at a urinal, but tonight when I got home I sat down and it was an effort to get out of her mind and back into his. But on Friday I was definitely all Beck again, and I gave Steph a lift home as Richard was working late that night; he didn't even make it to their usual weekly lunch date. Anyway, when we got to hers, she invited me in, made a cup of tea and when we sat down, I said, “Can I tell you something else?”
“Oh god, you really are leaving work aren’t you!”
I reassured her again I wasn’t, and said, “Well, remember what I told you?” She nodded. “Well, the guy I find myself thinking of, is well, your boyfriend.”
She was silent for a moment, and I was mortified, sure I had destroyed our friendship, but she just said, “Well, I can tell you he won’t cum if you do.”
And then she started giggling, but she gave me a hug, telling me that must have been hard to share, but explains why I acted a bit differently yesterday. I asked her if she hated me now that I confessed I had a little crush on her long-term partner, but she told me it was ok, after all, how can she be angry if others like what she has.
“I have to ask though, why him?” She asked me.
“Um, don’t be angry, but you’ve described him to me more than once, even when I asked you to stop, you told me he bottomed out in you so I know he must be a good size.” She nodded in agreement. “And, there’s also that thing you told me about when he was at university.”
She looked confused for a second, then said, “Oh, you mean when he used to make out with that guy all the time before we got together?”
“Um, yeah, I mean, I guess that means he’s open to it in some ways, but it’s not like I would do anything, even if he waved it in my face.” She gave me a look as if to say, really?. “Ok, if he did wave it in my face I would feel guilty right after doing it, but you know what I mean.”
Once again she asked me if I had ever tried it, held one, or even seen one outside of porn, and I hadn’t, not even in PE at school. She looked at me and said, “I doubt if he would be interested, I mean that guy was before we got together. Anyway, I have an idea.”
And she got up and left the living room, coming back after a couple of minutes with her hands behind her back. “So, you’ve never seen a real one, never touched a real one, but maybe there is something I can do to help.”
And from behind her back she showed me a dildo, sitting down on the floor in front of me holding it out like it was some kind of samurai sword. I slid down to sit on the floor with her, and asked, “So?”
She started laughing, telling me it was a chance to hold one, saying it’s about the same size as her boyfriend, is would give me an idea.
I said, “Um, two questions, has this been inside you and has it been cleaned?”
“I can’t sit here holding it out all night. And the answer to both is yes.”
I looked at her, and reached out for it, holding it up and said, “This is silicone, it’s no big deal.’
She looked a bit annoyed at me, and said, “If you’re serious about wanting to suck a cock, here’s a chance to see what it feels like.”
I said, “But not what it tastes like, I mean, it’s hardly going to be a nice experience.”
A smile slowly crossed her face and she said, “I thought you might say that, so this should help.” And in her other hand was some strawberry flavoured lube. “And you clearly like holding it, your thumb keeps stroking the head.”
I hadn’t even realised I was doing that, I mean, I know I do it all the time with my own dildo, but it must have been a Pavlovian response to holding it. I took the lube from her hand, and as I put a little on the tip and started smoothing it around, I said to her, “Ok, don’t judge me for this.”
I took hold of it, looked at the tip of the dildo, and then looked at Steph. I think she was expecting me to stop and hand it back, but over he last six months I’ve learned a lot about myself, or I should say Becca has learned a lot about herself, and although I was sitting there as Beck, I felt maybe 60% Becca right now.
I said to her, “You think I won’t do it, don’t do?”
She smiled at me and shrugged and I thought to myself, right, if that’s how she wants to play this, then I can play too. I opened my mouth and showed her I wasn’t just serious, I was a little skilled too, something else I picked up six months ago when I started, or maybe restarted this journey. I kept going and put my tongue out to lick the balls as the whole thing was in my mouth, thankful she had lube so I could go deep early.
I sat there and looked at the surprise on her face. I think she was expecting me to be nervous, not do what I just did, but I wanted to show her I was serious and it was the easiest way I could think of to prove it. I took hold of the end, pulling it back and looked at her as I licked the tip, then I did it again, all the way down into my throat and taking my hands away and waggling my eyebrows at her. I hoped she could see I was smiling, but instead I saw the door open and her boyfriend, Rich stand there looking at me.
Her head spun round but there’s me sitting there with something clearly in my throat, and I slowly and as teasingly as possible, withdrew it, holding the tip on my lips as I said, “Hi Rich.”
He looked at me, not sure what to say and Steph started to laugh, so I just put it back in, but was on the verge of laughing myself and had to take it out. He just said, “I have no words, so will get changed.” And left us giggling on the floor. I helped Steph clean it and our coffee cups, hugging her bye as Rich came out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and drying his hair. Of course, we looked at each other and started laughing again, and he looked at us both as I just said “Don’t worry, it’s a private joke.”
And then Steph looked at him, and then me and said to him, “Don’t worry, I will tell you later.”
She gave me a look that pointed out it wasn’t exactly a big deal considering what he just saw, and I told her with my eyes that I hoped it didn’t make things difficult for her and I left to go home. Of course as soon as I got in I went straight to my bedroom to start getting changed, then to my other bedroom to pick an outfit for the evening and put in the wash the clothes I wore last week. As I sat there watching TV and drinking some wine, I wondered why I waited till the weekend to do this, why can’t I feel happy as myself during the work week? I can be a grown up about this.
And then I spat wine everywhere as I started laughing thinking about the look on Rich’s face when he walked in on us.
The next day, Saturday, I got up reasonably early, put the washing in the dryer and headed out to go food shopping. I went for jeans and hoody again, and while I was out I got a text from Steph asking what I was up to. I told her I was shopping but had no plans and she said she would meet me outside my block. I stopped and looked down at myself, and thought, well, it could be worse.
As I walked towards the building, I could see her standing outside holding two coffees and it wasn’t until I was only about five metres away when she looked at me again that her eyes went wide. I put my bags down as I opened the door with the fob, and looked back at her, waiting for something to be said.
“Beck?”
“Becca. Come inside.”
We walked in together and she said nothing, just looking at me, riding the lift in silence and she stood there watching me put my shopping away., Finally I turned around to face her and said, “It’s just a shopping outfit. Want to see the rest of my wardrobe?”
She snapped out of her trance and said, “Fuck yes! Let’s see what else my hot BFF has to show me beside her tight and very nice ass!”
I laughed, taking the coffee that looked like it was for me and walked to my bedroom (Becca’s, but can we just assume you can work out which bedroom I mean from now on, it’s a bit of a pain having to explain what I’m sure you can work out). As we looked through everything she held up an outfit and said, ‘Hallowe’en.’ I opened the other wardrobe and held up another outfit and said, ‘also Hallowe’en’, and I could see her making a plan for her annual party.
While we were in there, I got a chance to explain the story, and I got a new follow on insta with a like for my shopping outfit photo. And a lot of questions about my week off. And then she saw the selfie I took in the cafe on the Friday when she was meeting Rich, and in the background there she was. She threw a pillow from the bed at me and furious with me for not sharing this sooner.
I told her that I saw Rich buying cigarettes and she said she knows he smokes but does try to keep it away from her, mainly when he’s away for work. I regretted bringing his name up, I felt sure that was why she was here, asking her if it was, and she said, “Oh, no, I just wanted to say how impressed I was with your skills,” and she picked up one of my dildos, rising her eyebrows at me, “But I can see we have some similar tastes in silicone.”
Yes, it was the same one, seven and half inches of insertable length and a very nice girth. “I guess subconsciously I was basing my purchase on your seemingly very accurate description.” And we started giggling again, talking about clothes, I talked about my week off and like my sister, she wondered why I didn’t make out with the guy in the bar.
She grabs her phone and starts typing out a text, tells me she has to go home soon but has just told Rich that she’s now having a girls night out with her friend, telling me that I need to be ready by seven as she will be round to help me pick an outfit as now I really am her BFF. I have a great wardrobe and she has her eyes on something she would like to wear tonight, we can talk fashion now, and how we both fancy the same man!
I laughed a little, but felt accepted but her and started to cry, making her climb over the bed to hug me, telling me it was ok, but really, I feel like I am a very lucky girl to have such an amazing friend.
The rest of the day, I was meant to be working out how I wanted to look, but once I had repaired my eyes I decided to jump in my car and get my ears pierced, and asked the girl doing it if she could fit the studs I picked up last week. She could, and I then had to listen carefully, kinda hard to do when you’re admiring your first ever earrings, but I got the message and would keep them clean.
As I walked back to my car, I realised in all the excitement this morning, I didn’t ask Steph something, so sent a quick text, asking if she told him what I said. It took no time at all for the three dots to appear, and reply. ‘Of course I told him, he was flattered and said you got skills, but he would never cheat, so dream on girl, he’s all mine! Hahahaha!
I sent a sad face emoji back and she sent the eggplant and splash one back with a devil face.
Once at home I started trying to sort out a possible outfit, comparing it to things on insta for a night out, trying o see what works and what might, knowing that Steph will say if I got it right or not. I was looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if I’ve gone too slutty or over the top in outfit, and when she got here, she told me I was being way too slutty!
Over a couple of glasses of wine, a new outfit was selected and Steph even borrowed one of my skirts as she thought it looked better on her. We’re almost the same size, I think I’m a little smaller, but not by much. She did enjoy looking at my breast forms when I had to switch to the strapless bra again, but it did lead to a funny conversation. I was a bit too nervous to compare mine to hers, but she had no qualms in doing so as she felt me and herself, but at least she was interested in how they stick on and get blended to hide the seam. When she first reached to feel them, I pulled away, but she said, “Relax, I’m curious but not that kind of curious. I love you, but not enough to love you that way.”
I poked my tongue out at her, but it was quite weird having the lump of silicone stuck to me move as she touched it, but not actually feel it being touched, kinda like when your arm goes to sleep, you can’t feel it, but you can feel the affect of being touched. She had nice boobs, but I wasn’t checking them out, more like admiring them for what they are, and I think wishing I had my own like them. Anyway, new outfit selected, a rough plan for the evening made, basically go to one bar, see what it’s like then start going from one to the next until we get bored.
As much as I enjoyed my time last weekend with my sister, this time with Steph was very different. Maybe I was just getting used to it, maybe it was because I was with a friend, I don’t know, but this time I didn’t just feel nervous, I felt natural, confident and yes, I felt sexy too!
I was a woman, on a night out with her friend, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I danced a little, I flirted with men when they tried to chat us up. That was a lot of fun, Steph got to say she was taken, I got to say I was heartbroken, and this time I didn’t feel any pressure to make out with some random guy.
There was one funny half hour in a bar when we bumped in Rich and one of his friends. We chatted away for about ten minutes when he looked at me and suddenly clicked who I was. I gave him a little wink and subtle nod, then when his friend went to the toilet, I asked him not to say anything.
Steph made a very simple threat if he did, or should I say she gave him a promise of something if he didn't. He was silent all the time, almost like he was weighing it up before he said, “You know, I wouldn't have done that anyway, but will you still keep your promise?”
Steph said she would, but she would decide when, and he seemed quite happy with that. I put a hand on his arm, almost cuddled up to him, then looked at Steph and said, “And you do promise to tell me every single detail of it as well, won’t you?”
His eyes went wide and me and Steph started to giggle, I guess he’s worried that I might get over excited at a literal blow-by-blow account of him getting, well, blowed!
Rich and his friend left us after half an hour or so, we moved to a different bar, and I wasn’t quite ready to go to a club, I mean, I don’t know if I can dance yet, well, you know what I mean by that? It’s a different experience of being in a club and I got touched enough in the bars we went to, but being on a dance floor might be too much right now. We got a cab back to mine, and we just carried on chatting and drinking wine, until at some point it was time for bed.
Steph told me she was going to stay the night if I was ok with it, and I of course hugged her and said it was. Standing in my bathroom next to her as we removed our makeup, and brushing our teeth was kinda nice, I think I missed having company like this, just close friendship. A couple of sleeping tee shirts and out of our bras, and she headed to Beck’s bed while I went to my new and now favourite bedroom. As I lay in bed, I was thinking of switching this arrangement around so that Becca gets the en-suite, when my door opened and Steph walked in.
She came over to the bed and climbed in and we lay there looking at each other.
I said, “Um, are you scared of the thunder we’re not having?”
She giggled and said she wanted me to have a proper sleep over, saying, “Besides, we both fancy the same man, it seems like a good time to talk.”
“Are you really ok with me liking him? I’m still coming to terms with it myself and he’s your boyfriend.”
She said, “It’s ok, I guess I think I’ve always seen you as more feminine than masculine, and the way we talk that’s how a lot of people look at you.”
She took my hand and we laid there looking at each other. She continued, “Are you ok with that?”
I told her of course I was, I mean, we’ve been hanging out all day and evening as two girls, she’s wearing my sleepwear, I have boobs and I got her to promise to tell me all about the promise she made to Rich. “Speaking of which, I do mean it, I want to know everything about it.”
“Well,” she said, “It’s like this. I have no intention of doing it, and he’s just had his birthday treat so he’ll have to wait a while before I do it to him.”
She looked at me, and I started to laugh, saying, “I’m not going to say it, I mean, I’m thinking it, but not going to say it.”
I expected her to laugh, but she didn’t. Instead she said, “I can’t be the one that says you can, sorry. It’s his body so he decides what happens to it.”
I was surprised she was suddenly being so serious. She went on, “But, you’re like my best friend at work, now becoming my best friend out of work. So I will say this, I love you a lot, I hope you love me, and if it happens it happens. Just please be honest with me, and please don’t let it be something that hurts any of us.”
I think there was something in my eye.
I shuffled forward and hugged her, saying I would never do anything to hurt her, she really is my best friend in every way, “I mean, I let you feel my tits!”
And we started to laugh, then chat, until eventually we fell asleep, waking up in the morning still holding hands. I looked at my friend and just thought how lucky I really am. I tried to move out of bed slowly without waking her, but her eyes snapped open. I went to make coffee, and ten-minutes later I heard her in the bathroom before joining me.
She said, “So, what are your plans for today?”
I explained that I needed to start thinking about tomorrow, changing back to Beck and try to get a bit more manly for work, and she told me good luck, as I’ve never been that manly int he first place. In the bathroom she was borrowing some of my makeup to touch up her face and she was watching me in the mirror as I started using the solvent to remove my boobs. Once that was done and I was cleaning all the gunk off me, she said, “So how come you have little boobs?”
I replied, “Well, they make the clothes look nicer, and they just feel right, even if these weren’t cheap.” As I put them away carefully ready for next weekend.
Steph kept looking at me and said, “But what about those ones?”
I looked down, and maybe because I see them every day I had never noticed, but yes, I have pecs. She said, “No, I think there’s more. Flex your muscles and bounce.”
So I did and they moved, ok, they giggled a little but I told her ‘it’s probably just a bit of fat’. She said, “You’re skinnier than me and a little fat doesn’t make your nipples bigger. Are you on hormones?”
I took another look at myself and this time I held them more carefully, examining what there was and Steph joined in. “No. But, it can’t be true, can it?”
And I walked back into my kitchen with Steph following me and I started pulling food out of the fridge and cupboards. Soybeans, soy milk, soy yoghurt, tofu. I laid it all out and looked at it, I mean, I had researched it but didn’t really believe it and told Steph the truth, I’ve been eating food that is meant to be high in oestrogen but never really believed it. Steph looked concerned for the first time and said, “You know, when we first met, I thought you were a butch lesbian, and I’m not alone in that. It was when I was told that you stood at the urinal I knew you were a cis male. But you’ve always been on the feminine side of androgynous, so maybe it would be a good idea to see a doctor.”
I nodded, but also saw my reflection in the toaster, I was still topless and looked down to see my little boobs, maybe an AA cup at best, but definitely little boobs, booblets.
And I saw them harden a little as I looked, covering them up and looking at Steph hoping she didn’t see.
She saw, and she said, “Yep, you’re a grower not a shower. Yet!”
A Needed Change - Part three
Monday at work wasn’t the first time I felt a little weird after everything had seemed to ramp up for me, but I was definitely distracted and this time it had nothing to do with being in, well, clothes that were starting to feel less natural to me. At the end of the day when I gave Steph a lift home, she told me I should probably make a doctors appointment as it’s clearly on my mind, and assign as I had changed into my sweats, I gave them a call.
I told Steph first thing in the morning that I was taking a half day on Thursday to go to the doctors, still surprised at how quickly I managed to get in to see them. But on the way home, she told me that as soon as I got home I was to get changed into something I wanted to wear to help me feel better, not telling me directly to become Becca for the evening, but it was kinda implied, and then to come back to hers. I would have done it anyway, but it gave me a reason to wear something other than lounging about clothes.
Opting for a pair of jeans and v neck tee shirt, I jumped in my car and went back, only to be told the moment I arrived we were heading out for a bit, but I wanted to hang back as Rich was watching the Lionesses play, and there was no way I was missing that. I’m not a big football fan, but if there is one team I support it’s them and I wanted to watch as I thought this was why I was invited round. Sitting in their living room, cheering the girls on and Steph was getting annoyed at us. Once they won, of course, what other result could their be for them, it not like they’re New Zealand, Steph insisted we head out to a bar.
She was distracting me from any possible health issues for sure, and Rich was fun to hang around with as well. I got to look at him in a very different light, sure, he’s still hot and my BFF’s boyfriend, but his also great to hang out with and really good at making me laugh and Steph laugh. The three of us played some pool, we had some cheesy fries, we laughed and she completely made me forget about the doctors. And as an added bonus, when we said goodnight, not only did she kiss my cheek, so did he, making me blush to my roots and Steph mimed something to me behind his back.
But one thing she made very clear is that if we want to watch the Lionesses on Saturday it would have to be elsewhere, and we agreed to find a bar somewhere showing the game.
The next day at work I was back to being Beck and things felt more normal, the night out instead of sitting there stewing it over helped, but in the evening I did find myself thinking about it again. I mean, the food surely didn’t give me tiny boobs, that’s just not really likely so it was hard not to think about it and other possible outcomes. But, well, lets face it, I’ve been feeling them and examining them since they were pointed out to me and other than feeling squishy, there was nothing else I could feel there.
But on Thursday, I slipped out the office with Steph giving me a hug and a hand squeeze before I left. I don’t think I was that worried, but it’s clearly been on my mind and I had a few questions for the doc that auntie google wasn’t able to answer satisfactory. I had plenty of time once I got home so jumped in the shower and automatically started checking for any stubble or fuzz that I needed to remove, running a razor over a few places, and decided to make sure my face was still hair free.
Looking for clothes I went into my bedroom and started searching for lingerie, picking out my favourite pink set and rather than glueing my breast forms on, just stuck them in the bra. Looking for clothes, I went for a pair of jeans and a white hoody as it wasn’t that warm and started filling my bag and adding some light makeup and lipstick that was more red than pink to my face. In the lift heading down to the garage for my car, I looked at myself in the mirror and my hair was a mess, so I pulled a scrunchy out of my bag and tied it back.
Once I parked nearby, I started walking to the doctors and caught sight of myself in a shop window and stopped dead.
Why was I going to the doctors where according to my records I’m a man, and I chose to dress in a way that screams woman. I mean, I might not of glued my forms in place, but I still have them in my pink bra! It was too late now, and I have to live with my decision. The receptionist didn’t even blink when I gave my name and she looked at my records, telling me to take a seat and all that was left was waiting.
When it was finally my turn to go in, I was trying to think of the last time I saw the doctor. It must have been soon after I first registered with them when they gave me a check up, but since then I’ve been fit and healthy and never needed to be there. I’m not even sure what my doctors name is.
Walking into their office, I was kinda relieved that they were a woman, and she offered me a seat as they looked at my records on the monitor, and turned to me.
“Hi Miss Stevens, how can I help? I see you’ve said you have a growth that needs checking, is that right?”
“Um, well kinda, but I should say I’m not actually a miss, it’s Mr Stevens.”
There was only the tiniest moment of surprise on her face as she looked me over very quickly and turned back to the monitor to look at my records. She did some taping on the keyboard, turned back to me and said, “Whatever you want to tell me, I’m here for you.”
And all the worries I had flowed out of me and more.
Heading home I felt a lot better, but still, there were some other things to worry about. As I got in the lift my phone vibrated and I had a text from Steph telling me she saw me get home and to open the door and let her in. Detouring to the lobby to open it for her, she rushed in to hug me and without saying a word we got in the lift. Once inside she pointed me to the sofa, held up a wine bottle but I shook my head so she put the kettle on and made tea for us both. Once we were both seated she said, “So how did it go?”
I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the plaster from my blood tests, explaining what happened.
“It was good actually. She asked me a lot of questions, I mean, I could hardly avoid them seeing how I was dressed.”
I told how the doctor listened as I talked all about the last six months where I started dressing, even about what happened when I used to dress as a kid, how I recently started going out, how great Steph is and how supportive my family are being and so on.
“I think I was only meant to have a ten minute appointment but I was in there at least half an hour but I lost track of time, and when I cried she even helped held the mirror for me as I repaired my makeup. And that was when she asked me to undress so she could examine me.”
I looked at Steph and told her I was wearing pink lingerie. “She complimented me on it, saying as well that I had a nice figure and didn’t even bat an eyelid as I took the breast forms out before I took my bra off. She checked me over, measuring me and comparing me to measurements taken when I had a check up, I don’t even remember them measuring me there, but it seems I don’t have to worry about the foods I’ve been eating giving me boobs, I’ve had them for a while.”
Steph told me she thought that was the case but when she saw me topless for the first time she was just surprised and is sorry for scaring me so much. I turned and asked, “Wait, you knew I already had them?”
Turns out that sometimes she could see my nipples through my shirt at work, mainly when I used to look at her or other women, sometimes when I get cold, but very recently she’s only noticed it when we talk about her boyfriend. I closed my eyes and covered my face in embarrassment, I can’t believe my nipples have got hard like that and now I need to think about what to wear at work to hide it when it happens. At least she said that she didn’t think anyone else had noticed it.
Anyway, once I had got over that horrific thought, I told her about how the doctor thought I was woman when I walked in, and when she saw my figure she had a lot of questions all about that and having a small waist and wider hips, not being particularly hairy and being able to look feminine so easily.
I carried on, “And then she asked me about having erections, can I get them. What made that horrible is she was examining it at the time and I was desperately trying to keep my mind elsewhere. I mean, yes I can get them, I’ve never had a problem, but she asked me if I ever get unwanted ones.”
Steph was about to say something, but stopped herself, so I told her she can ask it. “Do you get them?”
I said, “No, not really, or at least I don’t think so. Now I have to wear something at night around it to check if I do, which is just an awful idea, but as she said, I don’t appear to have an obvious gender dysphoria, so I might just like looking like this, but she wanted to run some tests to see if I have any hormone problems that need to be fixed. I should find out in a week or so and I will have to go back. But at least she didn’t find anything bad, and funnily enough if the receptionist hadn’t misheard me when I said ‘I have some growth on my chest’ and thought I said ‘breast’, I wouldn’t have got such a quick appointment.”
Steph leaned over to hug me, telling me that no matter what she will be there for me. She went quiet for a moment and I could see she was thinking about something to say, but I didn’t want to push her into saying it this time, I might not want to hear what the question is. She said, “One question though, why did you dress like that?”
I smiled at her, and said, “She asked as well, and do you know what, I don’t know, I just got changed when I got home and only realised what I did just before I got there. She said that perhaps I should speak to someone about it. Want to help me find a therapist?”
Now that she had something to do rather than just be a supportive friend, Steph leapt into action, grabbing my laptop and making me turn it on and we started searching. I told how the doctor said that the way the tories are attacking the NHS and gender services thanks to all the TERFs, if I can afford it I should see if I can go private. I then had to explain what a TERF is to her as somehow those nasty people had missed her radar, and she was so furious I think I loved her even more then.
Anyway, we found one and I was able to book an online appointment for Saturday morning, a good thing as I was going to be watching the Lionesses with Richard in the evening somewhere and I still needed to do some shopping for that.
Steph stayed and I cooked her some food, joking that my food won’t make her boobs bigger, but it was nice she was there and I wanted to thank her in some way. Which is why the next day at work, she got a call to head down to the front desk to pick up some flowers. She read the card once she was back at her desk, and of course the other women in the office wanted to know what it said and were telling her how lucky her boyfriend is, and I took the excuse to go and get myself a coffee. Once there I turned around and Steph looked up at me holding the card as the women walked away, mouthing ‘thank you Becca’. I blew her a kiss, and then quickly looked about as I remembered where I was, but I don’t think anyone saw me.
I was Becca in that moment.
When I got home I was glad a couple of things I had ordered from amazon had arrived, some of them for next week to help hide any unwanted nipple action, something for the Lionesses game, and a set of bralets. I wanted to be able to be comfortable when I was home, and the doctor did suggest I get something like it so that if I’m not wearing my forms I will get some support. But I was glueing them on for the weekend as I would need them for going out to watch the game, so it made sense to get started on now before I got a cab to Steph’s.
We weren’t going out, out, just out for a couple of drinks. I think she wanted to keep me distracted before my therapist appointment tomorrow, but that was going to be a remote one rather than needing to go there this time. They do offer both options, but as it was a Saturday I still needed to do things first. But tonight was to be a simple night out, not a busy bar so we weren’t hassled by drunk men, but we got enough looks from those there and I was used to it by now anyway.
The following morning I woke up later than I meant to and needed to go shopping, so once again I was in a hoody and it was busier in supermarket than I expected, so I needed to rush home to be ready for the call on Skype.
I was sitting there trying to get my hair looking a bit better, when my laptop started ringing and I turned and hit answer. And there was my new therapist, who once they confirmed it was me, we chatted about the process and what we both can expect from it. Fifty minutes later we were signing off, making me wonder why I paid for an hour, but saying that we would explore more about how I feel about the whole thing, and hopefully find out if I was a crossdresser (duh), trans or gender fluid.
I had a lot to think about that day, I mean, I had been looking for answers over the last six months plus, but still never found anything that I felt fitted me. She assured me that no matter what will we get the right answers, and that if needed, she will work with my doctor once the results have come back.
Anyway, with nothing else left to do for the day, I decided to make myself look pretty for the game tonight. Of course we talked about my crush on Rich, but it wasn’t connected to my current preference in clothing (her words), or at least she didn’t think so.
Still, it was on my mind that tonight I would be going to a pub with him and without Steph, and part of me couldn't help think this might have been her idea when she suggested we watch the game elsewhere. While I was in the bath relaxing, I wondered where we would go, or even if I should go there but I got a text from an unknown number asking to pick him up at half six. Followed by another text saying, ‘Steph told me to say it’s Rich btw’. I found myself smiling as I added the number to my contacts and started to send the thumbs up emoji, but then changed my mind. What would be the best one to send back, and instead sent an England flag, a football and a beer glass.
I laid back in the bath and smiled, slowly sinking in the water when it occurred to me I was going to be driving, not him. Bastard! I won’t be able to drink more than one!
Driving over there I felt a bit self conscious, I mean, he’s seen me in a short skirt before but I couldn’t remember if I had ever seen another woman watching the game dressed like this. Still, I sent a text when I arrived and he came out in an England shirt, so at least I wouldn't be the only one. He got in and the first thing he said is, “So where are we going?”
I looked at him and my mouth fell open, I can’t believe he expects me to organise this, and I got in a bit of a huff. We headed out to a bar that we knew showed the men’s game, and as soon as we got in he headed to the toilets and left me at the bar to order the drinks. I was definitely a bit miffed, I mean, ok, I might have built it up a bit in my head as being some kind of date, but still, he’s the man in this situation even we do have the same physiology.
I waited for him to come back, and he slowed down when he looked at me and I think for the first time it registered what I was wearing as he looked me up and down. I handed him the drink and then gave him some bad news.
“So yes, they are showing football tonight, but not the England game, just some boring men’s game.”
He looked at the screens, and for a second I think he was going to suggest staying to watch that instead, but I folded my arms in the universal sign language of a woman not impressed, and he got it. He suggested we finish this one, then try another bar. I put my unfinished drink on the bar and said, “Seeing that I’m driving, I’m ready.”
He looked at the bottle of beer in his hand, wondering what to do, and tried to drink it as quick as he could, but before he finished I walked to the door making him follow me.
The next bar wasn’t showing any football tonight, and now I wasn’t very happy at all, but he did buy me a drink and I made him get one of those alcoholic fruit drinks for me just to punish him. We sat down at a table and he apologised profusely.
I made him suffer for as long as I could, but then told him it was ok, it’s not his fault, neither of us checked where it was being shown, and I put my hand on his leg to reassure him. He did flinch a little, but didn’t try to move my hand away and I was near his knee, so it’s not like I was coming on to him. No mater what Steph said, he is my best friends boyfriend.
He took his phone out and said he would ask if we could watch it at his, but I stopped him. Steph really doesn’t like football and it’s unfair on her, so I said we can go back to mine and then he can get a taxi home. The drive back was a bit quiet, but I don’t think there was any frisson in the air, more that we were both aware it was near to kick off and we didn’t want to miss it.
After we parked, I pressed the button for the lift but it seemed to take forever and kick off was only minutes away. I turned to him and asked, “You can run up eight floor, right?” He nodded and I said follow me and started running. I ran to the door to the stairs and started running up with him close behind. I looked back at him and started to laugh, we looked ridiculous but he started laughing as well and we burst into my flat in a fit of giggles and breathing hard as I raced to turn the TV on and jumped onto the sofa together.
The game was great, I mean, they always are and keep getting better. This game they scored twice in the first half and finally I was able to run to toilet while he went to get a drink from my fridge. Sitting back down, he complained that all I had was wine and that feels weird for watching football, so he was stuck with a diet coke.
The second half started, and they scored again, the most incredible goal by Bronze, and we leapt to our feet to celebrate, jumping into each others arms and we kissed in the moment.
Yes, we kissed.
My mind was in turmoil, but it was no different to what was happening in the stands as the camera played around the crowds, no different to what happens when groups of men celebrate goals.
But we did kiss, and it was playing on my mind and I was trying to sneak looks at him, but I don’t think it made any difference to him at all, it was just a goal celebration. And then they scored again and once again we jumped up to celebrate and we hugged and we kissed again.
And now I’m confused, trying to watch the game and replaying the kisses in my head, working out where his hands were, where I placed mine and there is no doubt that I was the girl in the kiss. I tried to put it out of my mind, but then the other team scored and it got tense. I don’t know why, the Lionesses were already 4-1 up, but in football you never really know what might happen, especially when the losing the team is attacking all the time and getting shots on goal, and with Earps guarding the net, you know it’s going to be ok. But you worry, and then the final whistle blew and we leapt up again and hugged each other as we jumped and danced.
And we kissed again, a celebration kiss. And then we stood there holding each other, with me looking up into his eyes, and I leant in and tilted my head and he leant in and we kissed again. We had stopped jumping and dancing, and I opened my mouth slightly, and felt his tongue gently on my lips, so I played with it with my tongue. And then we kissed fully, passionately and with intent.
I could feel him reacting to the kiss as his erection pressed against me, So I put a stop to it, gently parting from him and resting my head on his chest.
“We can’t do this.” I said.
I felt him nod, but he still held me, and I could still feel him pressing against me. I desperately wanted to feel it, but I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Steph, and I also promised her I would tell her if something did happen, knowing that even if it did hurt her, I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
I slowly let go of him and stepped back, trying not to look down but also not able to stop myself. When I looked back up he was looking at me and smiling, and said, “You know, it was really brave of you to run up those stairs ahead of me in a thong.”
I laughed, and told him to calm down, I would drive him home. He kept saying it was ok, he would get a cab, but I said, “No, I promised Steph I would say if something happened, even though she said it was ok if it did.”
His eyes went wide at that, and I carried on, “Yes, she said that and she’s my best friend and even though she said I could, well, experiment shall we say, this is still all new to me and she’s been so great I need to be honest with her.”
I don’t think he felt the same way. He wasn’t embarrassed, more that he was worried about his relationship considering he kissed another woman. And it’s funny that even at this point I was thinking of myself as a woman when I’m Becca. Still, it was a very awkward drive to theirs, and when I walked in behind him, Steph was sitting there curled up with a glass of wine, she looked at me and what I was wearing and I have never felt so, well, slutty and ashamed of myself. Maybe I was trying to make something happen, but then I never expected us to be at mine and not in a pub where I don’t think we would have kissed.
She must have known something happened as a sly smile came over her face for a second then went blank again. I told her I had something to tell her as I promised I would, and explained that when the Lionesses scored and we celebrated we kissed.
She nodded but said nothing, and I felt even more sorry for Rich, I mean, yes, she had told me that so long as none of us gets hurt, but he wasn’t part of that agreement and kissing me might have destroyed what he has.
“How many times?”
I knew what she meant, so I told her three times, twice when they scored and then again when the game finished. She was silent.
“In celebration?”
He was quicker this time, saying yes, it was just a celebration kiss, but Steph looked at me and I knew I had to say it. “And then we kissed a bit more.”
I felt Rich move away from me, trying to get some distance and move closer to Steph, clearly feeling that he might not be out of the doghouse, but being further away from the where the problem is might be a good idea. But he stopped when Steph stood up, folder her arms and he knew he was in trouble.
“Show me.”
Rich started talking instantly trying to say sorry and it won’t happen again and how much he regrets it and it was the moment of celebration, but she held up her hand to stop him talking and repeated ‘show me.’
He was in trouble now, but I looked at Steph and for a second I saw a glint in her eye, a really subtle blink and you’ll miss it nod telling me at least it was ok. I looked at Rich and said, “Look, we’ve done it once, we can do it again and I want to be honest about this and it’s only fair.”
He tried to say no, he wouldn't do that to her but she just looked at him with a blank face and I grabbed him, put my arms up over his shoulders and pulled his head down and kissed him on the lips. I said, “That’s what the first kiss was like.”
I repeated the kiss and this time I felt him do the same, clearly trying to show her it was just an in the moment thing when they scored. And I told her that was the second kiss. This time he moved with me and repeated the celebration kiss, but I held him closer as I said to Steph, “And that’s how the third kiss started.”
And I pulled him towards me, I was kissing him and slowly, he started to join in with the kiss, sensing he had no choice at this moment and we kissed if not with passion, at least acting out the passion we showed each other earlier. I didn’t feel anything pressing against me, so I pressed myself against it, trying to get a reaction from it and maybe being a little pornographic about it, but we stopped kissing and I laid my head on his chest again.
“And this is when I said we needed to stop.”
I looked across at Steph and could feel the tension in Rich, scared about losing the woman he loves for a silly moment.
Steph said, “I’ll allow it.”
I felt his head snap around to look at her and I felt something of his move again.
I kept contact with it, it felt nice.
A Needed Change - Part Four
After demonstrating ‘the kiss’ to Steph, I hung around for a bit, chatting to her mostly while Rich just channel surfed, but we ended up painting each others nails with a nude polish and I absolutely loved it. It seemed to make my fingers look longer and I ended up staying the night, sleeping on a futon in a borrowed tee shirt and shorts.
It was a bit embarrassing in the morning as I woke up before them both and went to get a glass of water before going back to the spare room, sitting there scrolling through my phone until I heard voices. I was about to go outside when there was a gentle knock on the door and Rich opened it asking if I was decent. Of course I was, and he popped his head around the door and asked if I wanted coffee and breakfast and his eyes flicked down my body, stopping at a certain place.
“It’s the shorts, don’t worry.”
“Oh, no, I mean, that’s not what I’m looking at. I… Just come along when you’re ready.”
He closed the door and I stood up to check myself, and yes, I was still decent and my tuck was still secure so it really was the shorts and now it was back to the right amount of smoothness as I was standing. Anyway, I joined them in the kitchen and talked about the day ahead, and seeing that I was taking up time they could be spending together, I told them I was going to head home soon. I still needed to do housework and washing, and that’s what I did, but before I got changed Rich did at least look at me again and confirm it was just the shorts and nothing else.
The rest of the day I really did catch up on housework and all those dull things, but unlike before I decided to keep the skirt on that I wore out, but with the white bralet as I needed to remove my boobs anyway. It was exceptionally comfortable and I found myself wondering if it was a better choice than the sports vest I was going to wear to work tomorrow. But looking at myself in the mirror, the padding in it made my little boobs stand out a bit more than I would have liked, so maybe not. But I did think I looked cute.
Once everything was done and I settled down with some hot chocolate, I caught sight of my nails and wondered if I should remove the polish tonight, but I also couldn't be bothered to get up and deal with it, so added it to my list of things to do in the morning. I went into my bedroom, stripped off Becca, and closed the door till, well, I was going to say next weekend, but I did pause to look back hoping to open the door much sooner.
In the morning I got ready for work and in the shower I noticed my nails but decided to go with it and if anyone noticed, which I doubted as they were nude, I would just say I was at Steph’s and she did it. Thankfully she had kept the colour as well and no one said anything, or so I thought at least. Of course, a couple of the girls at work noticed but as Steph was wearing the same they asked her and she just brushed it off.
In the afternoon I got an unknown caller and when I answered they just said, “Is that B Stevens?” I was instantly on my guard but the world came crashing back down when they said the doctor would like to see me to go over my results. All my happy thoughts from the weekend seemed to fade away, as let’s face it, when the doctor wants to discuss your results it can’t be all good news. They fitted me in after work and although I wore a pink bralet with just jeans and tee shirt, I didn’t feel the most confident anymore.
But it wasn’t all bad, and the next day I gave Steph a lift home from work and told her all about it. I wanted to tell her sooner but I think I was just so relieved last night I wanted to relax, and there was no way I would discuss it in the office. I said, “Remember when I said I had to do that erection test?” She nodded. “Well, I haven’t had any while I sleep. And I got my doctors results yesterday after work.”
She took hold of my hand as I drove. I said, “It’s ok, it’s not bad, at least she doesn’t think so but I do have to see a specialist just to confirm the results. Anyway, I have quite low testosterone for a man, but at what would be called a mid to high level for a woman. I also have what would be low levels of oestrogen for a woman, but high for a man. And she thinks that’s why I look the way I do, and why that although I can get erections when I want them, I don’t get them any other time. Also, why I have little boobs.”
Steph said nothing, so I carried on, “That’s why I need to see the specialist, just to make sure there’s nothing wrong, and also talk about my options going forward. Oh, and you will love this, she thinks I should go and get a proper bra fitting to find out my size. She thinks I might be slightly bigger than a triple A and more like an A cup.”
After a short silence, she said, “What are you going to do?”
“Well, it’s going to get warm soon, so I will need to go shopping for some summer dresses, I was thinking tomorrow, are you free?”
She slapped my arm, telling me that I knew what she meant, but yes, of course she’s free for shopping, and we talked about my complete lack of summer clothes and the urgent need for at least five to get started. She added, “But what will you do about, well, your boobs?”
I took her hand and put it on one of them, asking if she thinks this will work for work and she told me there was a lot less bounce from them. But that evening at home, I did find myself looking at my boobs and wondering what I wanted to do. The doctor said I had a couple of options, and one of them meant that being able to be Becca would be gone for good, and the other just didn’t appeal to me. I mean, they might be small, but I really do like them, and although I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while, I can still use the bit I keep hiding when I want to, I just haven’t had the desire to use it recently. Unless you include the times I’ve been using my two silicone purchases, but that’s a different way to experience an erection.
Anyway, work the next day was the same as always, but Steph came straight back to mine and had left a small bag in my car so that she could change at mine. As it was a warm day, I needed to wear something a bit lighter than most of my wardrobe, and when she saw my limited choice of summer dresses, she hugged me and said, “Thank you for asking me to help today, I had no idea how urgent your need is.”
I pushed her back on the bed and told her I’m not that desperate to need her help shopping, I need her help to carry the bags!
Anyway, during the trip down to the garage I felt really exposed, and I hadn’t planned on glueing on the forms tonight, but as she pointed out, with this dress I have little choice as I needed to fill it out a bit. But with bare shoulders, arms and upper back, I felt, I don’t know if exposed is the right word, but it’s in the right area. Having my legs on show is nothing, I’ve worn shorts lots of times, but this almost felt like I was topless.
Still, shopping is always fun and I managed to pick up a few dresses, but couldn't get sized for a bra fitting thanks to the forms, but was determined to get that done tomorrow. But for now, sitting outside a restaurant with Steph and having a light meal I don’t mind saying that I was enjoying myself.
“Do you think I’m going too fast?”
She looked at me and sat back to think over her answer, “No, I don’t. I think this is how I’ve always seen you, and I was worried I might have been pushing you into it doing more than you wanted to, but seeing you here right now, I find it hard to think of you any other way. You look happier than I’ve ever seen, you look like you fit your skin now, and this is the you I’ve think you’ve always been.”
She paused to take a drink, adding, “Is that what you wanted to hear, or do you think you are rushing into this?”
I had to admit, it’s taken a while to get here and with what my sister told me, it’s not like this hasn’t always been part of me in some form, and Steph did say that she and others once thought I was just a tomboy or something, but maybe I am rushing too much. I said, “Sometimes, I feel like I’ve just fallen into it so easily. And I’m really surprised that I took so long to step outside. Maybe I should have spoken to someone sooner about it all. But I do feel a lot happier, I will admit that.”
She held my hand and said, “Just a shame you’re so ugly.”
I poked my tongue at her.
“Oh, that reminds me, I’m going to see the therapist on Friday after work, can I borrow this?”
I waggled my fingers at her, and she said, “No, we can go and buy your own seeing that you love it so much.”
So after eating, we went and picked up some nude nail polish and some new makeup pallets. As I was testing the colours, I thought to myself that I am definitely falling more into this, but there’s still the question about the sudden attraction to men, and even sitting here, both of us looking at some of the guys, enjoying the attention from them and maybe that’s the bit that’s I’m finding harder to get over. Still, plenty to talk about with the therapist on Friday.
On Thursday no one spotted my nails, so I refreshed them that night and on Friday still no one seemed to notice, and I took an early finish so I could go and get ready for the therapist appointment. I very much wanted to look feminine for this after going for a more androgynous look for the online meeting, but didn't have time to glue my forms on, so just went with a bralet under my jumper as I thought it went well with the skirt and boots.
I think I am getting better at matching clothes, but meeting someone who I’m literally paying to examine me by observation made me feel a bit nervous. But the session went very well and she’s had the report from my doctor and they’ve spoken about my hormonal results, but as always, you never really know as you sit there and talk.
I was hoping she would have some instant answers, but of course no, and I think I was a little annoyed there was no couch to lay on as I had practiced how to do that, but you can’t have everything.
One thing that did surprise me is I didn’t cry at any point, even talking about my fears with this, which seem to be focused more around the risk to my job and how I might hurt Steph, but the therapist kept saying I need to think about myself first. And so far, everything that I’ve told her are the things that are making me happy.
Once it finished I went to Victoria’s Secret's as I wanted to get a bra that fits me. I had to google what happens during one as I desperately didn’t want to look like I’ve never had a fitting before, and being half naked in a changing room with a woman was if not a new experience, a least not a sexual one. But long story short, I left there with ten bra’s, all with just a little padding to give me a bit of a lift, and yes, I am officially an A cup. Walking out I felt very perky, but I politely refrained from the offer of wearing the new undies to go with it, but I was looking forward to trying out the stockings and suspenders later.
Of course I wore them that evening, and it was all I wore even though I wasn't going out. Yes, I felt great, yes I ended up using a toy and the next day my legs were aching from riding it, but it was totally worth it. Whatever it was about the lingerie, it did more more than turn me on quite a lot. For a start, my unsightly but very wanted erection meant I needed to wash everything I was wearing. There was one thing I did when it got dark I just had to stand on my balcony in the lingerie set with my glass of wine. I know someone in a building opposite saw me, but they were far enough away for me not to worry about, well, the stains on my stockings, but I did enjoy standing with my back to them, knowing they were looking at my bum in a thong; I definitely waved it a bit for them. I don’t even know if it was a man or woman watching me, I just wanted to enjoy it, being seen.
The following day was a Saturday and I was meeting Steph to go shopping of course. She thought it was for a bra fitting, but I wanted to surprise her and wearing a new set of VS under my pink jumper dress made me feel, well, overconfident I think. The whole day I was strutting a bit, and Steph had to get changed before we left hers as she thought I was a little over dressed, but I was very much in the pink today and enjoying it.
Of course she suggested going to where her mum took her for her first fitting, but I pretended to be a bit embarrassed and asked her to do it for me instead. Armed with a handful of bras, we went into a cubicle and I took my dress off over my head, and she was looking at me in VS and a smile.
Her eyebrows hit the ceiling and she smacked me on the bum, telling me off for not including her, so we abandoned Marks and Spencers and went off to look at loads of clothes and shoes we had no intention of buying.
I love shopping!
When we stopped for lunch, I updated her on what the therapist had said about it being too early to be able tell where I am on the spectrum of being a crossdresser, trans or maybe gender fluid.
“There was one thing she was very clear about though. I’m not hurting anyone and I’m enjoying it, so there’s no reason to feel bad about it.”
Steph said, “You are enjoying it, and I love that I get to enjoy it with you, you look so natural. But what about the other thing though?”
I must have looked confused, so she said, “You know, men.”
“Oh, that, well, we haven’t talked about that side yet but she knows I have a new interest in them. She said maybe it’s like what you said, I’m just experimenting with this and maybe I’m mentally experimenting with my sexuality, and she said I might be trying to follow the social norms of femininity, so she wants to wait and find out more about one thing, before we delve deeper into it.”
Steph took a drink, and asked me if that means I’m going to put a hold on any opportunities that might arrive, if for example I hook up with a guy when we go out tonight. I said, “You know, I asked her that, should I refrain for it, but she said there was no obvious reason not to, so long as I feel comfortable and safe about it.”
Steph took a drink and said, “Well, shall we try and get you laid tonight then.”
She timed it perfectly, I had just taken a sip and it shot out of my nose!
I didn’t hook up with a guy, and we did go out that evening but it was just a few drinks and a laugh in a load of bars. Yes, I did flirt when I was chatted up, but I didn't get a single kiss on the cheek or give one either. It was just two girls out for some safe fun. I did ask Steph if spending so much time with me was taking her away from her friends, but she told me not to worry. “I’ve told them I’m spending time with a friend from work who needs me right now. But you will meet them when I think you’re ready, and then you had better hold on to your panties for a proper girls night, as I guarantee if we don’t get in a lot of trouble, we will make sure someone does!”
That really does sound like a lot of fun.
One thing that was kinda funny, when we got a cab to go home, I made sure she was dropped off first as I was a bit concerned about the driver and the way he kept checking us out. I didn’t want to leave her with him. Sure, if he attacked me there wasn’t much I could do in these heels if I needed to run, but maybe it was some lingering masculinity making me need to do it, but there weren’t any problems thankfully.
I woke up late on Sunday and only had to do some of the usual housework, but in the afternoon when I was trying to build up a little enthusiasm to empty the dishwasher, I got a text from Steph saying she was going to pop round if I was in. And that got me up and moving once again, doing the last bits I needed to sort while I waited for the buzzer, trying to work out the best time to put the kettle on and time it perfectly. In the end, I jumped the gun and started before she hit the buzzer, but when she stepped into my flat, I was standing there holding a ready made cup of tea for her.
“Ah, you read my mind!”
Taking the cup from me we walked into the living room, taking a seat. I thought she was just passing and dropped in for a cuppa, and while we chatted away about this and that, I got the idea there was something on her mind and it was probably about me. I didn’t want to push her, but I did hope she thought I might be ready to meet her friends and she wanted to talk about what we would tell them about me. Turns out I was quite wrong about everything. She said, “Did I ever tell you how I lost my virginity?”
I shook my head, wondering where this might be going, and she carried on. “Ok, well, I used to be a little, well, no. I wasn’t over weight, but I carried my baby fat for a while and had braces. So, that meant I didn’t have a boyfriend when all my friends were getting them and started having sex. Can you believe I actually sprained my wrist! And do you know how horrible it is admitting to the doctor how it happened and for them to say you’ve been masturbating too much?”
She paused to take a sip of tea, but other than giving her hand a squeeze, I said nothing. It felt like to me she needed to say these things as I had confessed so much to her and she was telling me things in return, almost as if she was trying to generate some extra levels of trust in me. But I didn’t understand why, it’s not like I’m going to share any of this even if she did share my secret with others.
“So, I was a bit frustrated, and I told a friend about it. Not about how I wanted a boyfriend, everyone knew that, but about how I was, well, horny as fuck! I mean, I was a teenager, you know what’s that like. But she was worried I might do something stupid in trying to get laid. There was a creepy guy who worked in this shop we used to go in all the time, always extra friendly with all the girls, and she wanted me to be safe.
She gave me a slightly embarrassed look, “Only three people know this, four now with you, but she lent me her boyfriend. I don’t know how he really felt about it, I didn’t care to be honest, but I got laid and I guess he was happy to be given a free pass. I won’t say it was a great experience for me. I was a teenager and had no idea what I liked and he didn’t really know what he was doing either. He got the job done for himself of course, but for me I had finally done it and was able to avoid making a terrible mistake.”
She took hold of my hand now, and I had no idea what mistake she thought I might make. “I saw a bit of that look on you face last night looking at a couple of guys, you were wondering what it would feel like to be with them that way, and I understand, I really do. So I have a proposal.”
I was hoping she wasn’t going to say it, but she did, “So I’m going to pass it on.”
My face must have been a picture as her face instantly understood where I was going, I mean yes, we had talked about my crush on her boyfriend, but I had no intention of going there. She’s my friend!
She jumped in quickly, “No, no, no, I don’t mean like that. What I mean is I think you need to try some dates with someone you can trust. I know you have a little crush on him so it should be a bit easier for you - I had no interest in my first guy, and I think that ruined it really - but this way you get to test the dating waters safely.”
I had no idea what to say and was trying to think it over. I mean, we had kissed, I had pressed against his erection at the time, but dating my best friends boyfriend?
“All I’m talking about is going to the cinema, the pub, maybe a restaurant for birthdays, or just for a meal. That kind of thing. It’s a safe way to see how you really feel about men, and you can have a Friday night date each week with him.”
I said, “This is a lot to take in, and I’m not saying yes, but what if someone sees us and thinks he’s cheating on you? I would hate to cause either of you problems.”
She told me to stop worrying, if anyone sees you both, you can both be honest and you are both of our friends, so there’s no secret to worry about. I was about to say something, but she beat me to it. “And you’ve both already kissed, so unless they see you both doing that in public, I don’t really see a problem here. You need this, I’m worried about you getting hurt if some of those urges take control, and at least with Rich he will look after you if you do kiss.”
I sat there quietly thinking about it, I mean, yes, I’ve dreamt about this over the last few months and my little crush on him will allow me to be a little more touchy with someone who knows all about me. All those guys, well, those couple of guys I’ve flirted with, although they were touching my arms or occasionally the small of my back, I hadn’t really touched them the same way. I was about to ask Steph a question, but she told me that she’s already discussed it with him and he’s ok with it, he understand the boundaries of the date nights, and I can think about it and tell her later this week.
I was about to say something, but she stopped me, saying I must think about it, but I giggled and said that’s what I was going to say.
After that we just chatted about things, ok, we chatted about fashion and reality TV, but I refused to get dragged into watching any soaps. But all the time I had the thought of a Friday night date percolating in my brain, weighing up the pros and cons to try and help to make a decision and it still not being any clearer to me.
Steph needed to go home as Rich was cooking a meal for her, and as I walked her to the door I asked her once again if she really wanted to do this for me. It seems like such a big thing to do, and that I’ve been thinking about if I should do it or not ever since she made the offer. She looked at me with a shit eating grin and said, “I will tell him to pick you up at seven on Friday.”
A Needed Change - Part Five
It was Thursday after work and I was on my way round to see Steph. I think she wanted an update on my Friday night dates with her boyfriend, and I wasn’t even slightly worried about anything. Yes, we did kiss that night the Lionesses won, but since then all we’ve done is some occasional hand holding and some kisses on the cheek, nothing special. The first date night we went out to the cinema then a couple of drinks and chat afterwards; like I said, nothing special. Since then we’ve pretty much done the same unless there was nothing of interest to watch at the cinema.
It’s been nice to spend time with him, and she was right, I did need to explore that side of me in a safe way, it’s fun to flirt with men when I’m out with Steph, but interacting with a man like this was a bit new and an easy way to find out what I like. I mean, yes, last week when I got home I need to release some stress and my toys were definitely helping with that, and I do think of Rich sometimes when I’m using them. But other faces had started to become part of the rota of imaginary male partners now. There was an Italian man I followed on insta who seemed to be a new part of that, but he hasn’t followed me back yet. I did look at some of the photos I was sent on there, but they had just too much overweight belly on show in the dick pics for most of them to help satisfy me.
Anyway, I was on my way to hers and in a simple black dress as it was a nice enough evening and she let me in. Turns out I didn’t need to update her on my progress. We had never spoken about it with each other, I mean, he is her boyfriend on loan, but he had told her everything that happens on our dates, and she got right to the point.
“So, how come you’ve been acting like a maiden aunt when you’ve got a free pass?”
That wasn't what I expected her to say. “Wait, were you serious?”
She nodded, and we talked a bit more about it, how I was thinking that what I’ve been doing was just a way for me to learn more. Even my therapist thought it was good idea, but while I had discussed some of my desires with them and how I should consider doing something about it, I’m not sure if I want to risk their relationship that way.
Steph said, “Oh get over yourself! We’re both ok with it, both understand the risks and you’ve given him enough erections that you may as well do something with them.”
Of course I had noticed, I had enjoyed how they felt when we hugged and it touched me, but taking the next step? That night I struggled to get to sleep and the next day at work I whispered to Steph that I would think about what she said, see what happens that night.
I think before he came round I decided what I would do as every other time we had gone out I hadn’t dressed down so much, but I had dressed casually. Today as I was picking out what I wanted to wear I didn't pick anything like that and went for a black strappy dress with an a line skirt, not a mini dress, but a short one for sure. I hadn’t bothered with my breast forms last night, but I did spend time glueing them on now and blending the edges, and I think I was trying to appeal to him. There was a lot going through my mind, or at least a lot going through the back of my mind, while I focused on how I looked and kept touching up my makeup, how I was dressed and tidying up the flat, trying to keep myself busy.
The door buzzer sounded and I went to let him into the building, but stopped, making him wait. I tried to last at least a minute, but I know I caved in way before that. But I didn’t open the door to my flat for him, I was going to make him wait for that while I checked myself once again in the mirror, fluffing my hair up a bit with my hands. When he did knock the door, I walked over and opened it, letting him see me.
I was a bit disappointed at what he was wearing, jeans, tee shirt and scruffy trainers. I looked him in the eye, and he said, “Wow, you look great.”
Well, he got a little bit of forgiveness for that.
He explained he thought we would be doing the same as last time, and he suggested he could get changed to make the night a bit more special. I told him it was fine, we could get a takeaway and watch something here on Netflix.
A sly smile came across his face and he said, “And chill?”
“Don’t get your hopes up and order some food.”
I spun on my heel and walked away, but could see his reflection checking me out, so I gave my hips a bit more movement, deciding to keep the teasing going a bit longer as I stood in the kitchen and said, “Is a cup of tea ok?”
He confirmed it was, and I got the sense from him he knew I was a little miffed he wasn’t dressed nice. It is technically our fourth date, so there’s a lot of conventions we should have been following. But here we are having a cup of tea with me dressed up and him looking like he was ready for a night out with his mates.
Still, I knew exactly what I was going to make him watch, even if I did think it was a rubbish film. So half an hour later after finishing our takeaway and tea, I picked the film and I felt him get ready for an argument, but raised eyebrow and glanced at what he was wearing was enough to get my way. I did pour us both a glass of wine and we sat of the sofa next to each other, me with my legs underneath me and I hit play on Fifty Shades of Grey.
It is a rubbish film, the story is crap and according to my ex girlfriend it’s quite vanilla really, just gentle fantasy stuff, but perfect for tonight and my subconscious mind made itself more known to me.
I was ready.
I waited until a moment in the film when I thought he was likely to be reacting down there, and asked him to fill up my glass with a teasing smile. He gave me a look and it was clear he was reacting to the film, but he got up and went and got me some wine. Coming back, his erection was front and centre, and I expected him to either try to hide it, or at least make himself a bit more comfortable with it. He handed me my glass and went to sit down, and I could see he needed to make an adjustment but looked embarrassed about it, so I said, “Go on, I don’t mind.”
He stuck his hands down his jeans, moved the bulge then sat down. I said, “Do you mind if I get more comfortable as well?”
But without waiting for an answer, I snuggled up to him, leaning on his shoulder and he put his arm around me.
It was nice.
I sat there watching the film, but my eyes were also flicking down to his erection, wondering if I should or I shouldn’t. I looked up at him and he was watching me look, and we kissed, gently. It felt natural and the right thing to do, sitting here with my date, his arm around me, watching a slightly smutty film, stroking my arm and shoulders while I stroked his chest, feeling and listening to his heart, wondering if he could hear my own as I could feel it thumping in my chest.
Of course I did!
As our kissing got more intense, I ran my hand down across his stomach, I needed to feel it. I think I knew when I got ready, how Steph reassured me this was ok, that this would happen, but slowly and gently I rested my hand on the bulge in his jeans, running my fingers over it lightly as I traced the shaped, knowing from the pressure of his kiss that he liked it. My thumb touched the buttons on his fly and I wondered if I should or not, but he lifted his hips, just a little to try and increase the pressure of my fingers. I broke the kiss and we opened our eyes to look at each other as I took hold of a button pushing a finger between the gap, reaching for him with a single finger, giving him a chance to call a stop if he wanted to, but he pressed his lips against me again and we carried on kissing.
I tried to undo a button one handed, but it was tough, so I just popped the top button on his jeans and then each button after that was easy. I slipped my hand in and felt him through his boxers and he moaned lightly into my mouth. I could feel more of him now, start to feel the shape of it, the heat of it and how it seemed to have a life of its own as it moved with his heart beat. I put my hand in his boxers and now I was holding him, and yes, it didn’t just feel nice, it felt amazing.
I wrapped my hand around it, and begun stroking him gently, slowly, feeling how he reacted to my touch, learning what he liked as I begun to increase the speed of my strokes. I was enjoying it and in the moment, but a part of me was monitoring not how I felt - I was loving every second of holding him - I was monitoring how he was reacting to me, learning how to be better, how to get him off.
Plus I really wanted to know he was enjoying it. He seemed to be liking it, and his breathing started to speed up so I increased my pace, thankful my hand or arm wasn’t aching from my efforts. And then I wondered what my next steps were going to be. He was about to cum and I wanted to see it, so I broke the kiss and looked down. His breathing got sharper and I watched with interest now, wanting to see it happen. He grabbed his tee shirt to pull it up, not wanting to get any cum on it, but it was too late. I stopped pumping the moment I saw his balls lift and his stomach tense as the first spurt shot out, holding him tight and feeling him swell and twitch.
My first thought was, ‘I need to get some tissues’, followed instantly by, ‘there was another option.’ But I don’t think I was ready for that, I wanted to, but right now I was enjoying stoking him gently and using my thumb on the tip of his cock, rubbing the last drips I was squeezing out across it. I looked at the slippery mess on his chest, stomach, and the few drops on his tee shirt.
He leant towards me and we kissed while I kept playing with his slowly deflating cock, and then he said, “Thank you. I’ve been waiting weeks for that.”
I kissed him again.
Saturday morning I woke to a text from Steph saying ‘Finally!’, followed by another asking me if I wanted to go shopping and then grab some lunch. I didn’t need to be asked twice. We met at the cafe in park for brunch, a girl needs fuel to look in the shops, and as it was a lovely day I put on one of my white short summer dresses. Of course, the moment she saw me she pulled me into a hug and said I needed to tell her all about last night, and she wondered why I didn’t take full advantage and do the very thing I once confessed to her I wanted to do.
I did admit to having a taste of what landed on my hand, just to see what it was like, and she screwed up her face, telling me how much she hates it. I said, “Really? I kinda liked it to be honest. It’s not like eating a strawberry, but it’s nice.”
She really didn’t believe me but previous research online had told me that either not everyone has a nice flavour, or that not every woman enjoys the flavour. Still, I liked it, even if it was only a drop, ok, a few drops of it.
We carried on looking in the shops and I found myself buying some new lingerie for no other reason than I wanted it, and we went back to hers for a break before deciding what we wanted to do that night. We ended up going to the cinema and bumping into Rich in a bar with a couple of his friends, sharing a drink with them for before they went one way and we went the other. One thing that made me happy here is they treated like a woman, trying to flirt with me, asking if I was seeing anyone and despite blushing, accepting my insistence that I wasn’t interested in dating anyone right now.
Steph was very happy with that, as it told her that Rich had kept his promise to keep my secret even if I did say that for all she knows they might be chasers or trying to tick a ‘curiosity’ box. Still, we sat there drinking some wine and at about half eleven Rich came home, gave Steph a kiss, and then gave me a kiss as well. I shared a look with Steph and she said to him, “By the way, did you ever tell them the truth about Becca?”
He shook his head, then looked at me and said, “I promise I wouldn’t do that to you.” Quickly adding, “I’m not embarrassed about you or what happened yesterday, but it’s your choice who you tell, not mine.”
Steph looked at me, saying ‘I told you so’ with her eyes, then added. “Well, in that case, I need to keep my promise.”
We both looked at her confused, wondering what she was on about, and she said, “Don’t you remember, I said if you kept Becca’s secret you would get a blow job.”
A very smug and satisfied smile crossed his face and he told her he was now looking forward to going to bed later.
Steph said, “I never said I would give you the blow job.”
And she looked at me saying, “You said you wanted to; here’s your chance.”
I was trying to say no, saying that now wasn't the time and even Rich was saying let it happen when I was ready, but she said, “Oh for gods sake, she’s ready and gagging for it. All three of us know it, know how much she wants it, how much you want it.” And she turned to face me, taking my hands, saying, “I know how much you want to, I saw you pick up some more lube again this week. If you tell me you don’t want this I will never mention it again. But I think you do.”
I was embarrassed, felt red all over, but I knew she was right. I wanted this and I’ve had just the right amount of alcohol to be completely in control of my choices, but my inhibitions have been weakened. I nodded and she squealed in delight, making me giggle. She let go of my hands, grabbed her boyfriend and told him to sit right there, turned back to me and said, “Treat him great.”
And then she sat down, looking at me and I realised she was going nowhere and she wanted me to do it right here. “Wait, here and now?”
She nodded and I looked at Rich, and he looked both nervous and excited at the same time, I guess I did as well but I never expected her to sit there and watch. I asked her if she really wanted to watch this, but she said again that yes, it might be me doing it, but it was her boyfriend so she felt it was only fair as she was lending him to me. I moved towards him, kneeling down between his legs.
He went to undo his jeans, but Steph stopped him and said, “She’s the one that wants this, she has to do all the work.”
I undid the buttons, and started to open them up, reaching in and taking out his quite impressive cock, about eight inches long, a nice thickness but not painfully girthy, but very pleasant to look at and very nice to hold. I started to stroke him and looked across at Steph who gave me a thumbs up. It was clear that the jeans weren’t low enough, so I pulled off his shoes and started to lower the jeans, pulling his boxers down with them. I thought to myself that last night when I gave him a handjob, I didn’t need to do this, but now, kneeling here, I needed a better angle to make sure we both enjoyed it.
Once the jeans were out of the way, with a quick glance to Steph to confirm permission as I grabbed his erection, I asked again if this was ok and she told me if I didn't hurry up it will go off in my hand again. I was too nervous to giggle as I shuffled closer, getting my face closer to it and getting a proper look now, something I never got to enjoy last night. I stroked him slowly, played with his balls and just looked and watched as a bit of precum appeared at the tip. I leant forward, put my tongue out and touched the tip, licking it up and thinking that it was a nice taste, I could get used to this. I glanced up and looked at Rich and we looked into each others eyes. I licked the tip again, running my tongue around the head of his cock, getting a bigger flavour of him.
I completely forget about Steph as I licked him from the bottom to the top, and opened my mouth and engulfed him. There, I’m finally sucking a cock, teasing him with my tongue as I sucked, making him moan in appreciation. I came up for some air and started licking him again, I wanted to make him as wet as I possible as I needed to try it as soon as I could, opening my mouth and taking him in, resting him at the back of my mouth, bobbing up and down but not going any deeper while I enjoyed the feel of him filling my mouth.
I was running my tongue around the head, looking up at him and into his eyes waiting for him to open them and look at me and he did and smiled at me kneeling there with his cock in my mouth. Keeping eye contact, I went down and kept going, feeling him in the back of my mouth, going past that and he started to moan again, then I kept going down taking him all the way, still looking him in the eye as he filled my throat as I stuck my tongue out and licked his balls.
My personal record is 38 second of full deep throat, but what happened next surprised me.
When I was learning how to do this, I trained myself to go a bit deeper each day and hold it there, but once the dildo passed my throat barrier there was no point waiting any longer and I just pushed down on it. My plan then was to stick my tongue out to lick the balls of the dildo, but I never got that far. The moment my lips hit the balls of the silicone cock I came. It never happened again, no matter how much I love throating it, but this time, with a real one I came in my thong again.
And I wasn’t the only one cumming this time.
The moment he started to make my throat bulge, I felt him swell and cross the edge, twitching in my throat as he came, both of us looking into each others eyes. I held him there till he finished and I loved it, it just felt amazing to be connected in such an intimate way as we both orgasmed. I never noticed it, but of course I was having throat spasms when I took him in, and he later told me that it was so unexpected and felt so amazing he couldn't hold back. But right then we were both quite enjoying the moment post orgasm as I went slowly up and down on him, taking him all the way in and all the way out, looking in his eyes.
I lifted off him completely and held it, and Steph noticed that he was now only semi erect and she said, “Oh my god! You came from a blow job in her throat!” I looked at her and was about to say sorry, but she slapped my bum and said, “Way to go girl! I can’t believe how much your throat swelled. I could even see it moving as he came.” Then she looked back to him and said, “Don’t get your hopes up, I still don’t like doing it.”
I giggled, but still hadn’t let go of his cock, and I was a little bit upset. Not because of what I did - I was glad I had finally done it and confirmed that I did like doing it - and not because I had swallowed his cum, I wanted to do that as well. No, I was a little upset as I wanted to feel it happen in my mouth and now I wondered if I would ever be able to stop him trying to cum down my throat if we ever do it again.
Four weeks later I thought back to that night, and nothing had changed because of it. I was still great friends with Steph, I still had my Friday night date night, but now oral became part of the routine, usually at least twice and my skills were getting much better, although my record remained at 38 seconds and I got to enjoy it happening in my mouth as well. I still love it, still enjoy it and now, here at a music festival with Steph I felt even more feminine than before. My therapist was happy for me, but also telling me I should get myself a boyfriend of my own, one that I can be honest with and maybe start thinking about what I want to do in the future.
Anyway, we only had a Saturday ticket for the festival and as it was fairly local, we went back to mine after and she stayed the night, sharing a bed again, chatting away till the early hours. One thing she did ask me is why I had never invited Rich into here, after all, I had the opportunity and it’s not like we hadn’t talked about me riding the dildo while looking at his insta.
“I’m not sure to be honest. I know you said I could, but he is your boyfriend and I don’t want him too think he’s cheating on you.”
“Oh please, he knows what the boundaries are and you are still a very long way within them.”
“But he’s never made a move on me like that, how do I know he wants to?” I asked her.
She thought about it for a minute and and asked if she could borrow a swimsuit if I promised to glue my forms on tomorrow. I had no idea what she was on about, but said yes anyway.
I woke up to an empty bed and Steph was in one of my blue swimsuits sorting out a coffee for me, told me to have a shower and get cleaned up, glue my tits on as Rich will be here in an hour and we were going to make use of my communal garden today. Once we had eaten, we went into my bedroom and she went right to the yellow bikini I brought in a fit of confidence I wasn’t feeling today. I tried to complain, but she was insistent that I should, I could wear a robe for now, but I was going to sunbathe in a bikini with her and her boyfriend.
When he arrived he had an icebox full of soft drinks, and wearing a bathrobe we headed for the garden. I didn’t have Steph’s confidence in just wearing the swimsuit and not worrying about people looking at her. There wasn’t anyone to look at us but I kept the robe on anyway. The garden is nearly always empty, but I did guide us to a more sheltered area as I didn’t want all my neighbours looking out the window at us.
I took of the robe and sat down, catching Rich looking at me and Steph smiling at him while he tried to sneak a look. I settled down after a few minutes, no longer feeling like I was naked in public, but every so often feeling conscious of someone in the flats when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, but I did mostly feel quite comfortable sitting there talking to my friends as we relaxed and caught some sun.
And then Steph told me to put my drink down for a second and I put it on the ground between my feet and looked up. My legs were wide open and Rich was looking at me, or more accurately, he was looking down there, and I liked him looking and bloody hell! Steph was right, yes I do want this and seeing him looking at me I knew he did as well.
I really should be angry with her, but I understood what she did to me today. She forced me to accept that I not only do I want to get laid, so does he.
I closed my legs and crossed them, and other than seeing him look at me and make no attempt to hide the erection in his shorts, I thought it would be fun to tease him a bit. I said, “I’m sorry about that, such a shame it’s not a Friday or I could deal with it. But rules are rules.”
And me and Steph fell about laughing at his pain, and she told him not to worry she will take care of everything for him tonight. Early evening it was time for them to go home, so Steph sent Rich away to put everything back in the car, and we headed up so she could get changed to go home. I asked her to help me removed the breast forms and she said, “Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “Your breast forms look huge now, did you get a new pair?”
“No, these are the same ones.” I told her, and the first one came away in her hand. She stood there looking at one of my boobs with a querying look on her face, and then helped with the second.
She said, “I think you need to get a bra fitting again as I think they are bigger.”
And that led to us sizing up and feeling my boobs, looking at them in the mirror trying to work out what was going on, which is how Rich found us, with two lumps of silicone on the bed, us facing the mirror and Steph cupping one of my tits. She told him not to get excited as I covered up.
He definitely saw at least one of them, and Steph told me the next day she was sorry, she had no idea he was coming back up, but they did it four times last night, so me in a bikini with his girlfriend holding one of my tits and seeing the other one, well, the poor boy got over excited.
On Friday as we were leaving work, she said to me, “Oh, don’t send him home until tomorrow morning, I want to have a quiet night at home, so he can stay with you. Ok?” And she winked.
My mind went into over drive at this point, and I felt my phone vibrate with a message, followed by another one right after. Once I parked I checked them and the text from Steph said ‘I’m serious, you need to try this at least once Becca, this is clearly a part of you and you owe it to yourself.’ I replied with a heart, but still not sure if me doing this would damage both of them, but especially her. I checked the other message and it was from Rich saying, ‘I’ve booked a table for tonight, pick you up at half seven if that’s ok?’ On my way up in the lift I was thinking very hard what to reply to him, not even sure if I wanted to commit myself to this extra step.
Who was I kidding! I sent a heart to him as well, ran in and jumped in the bath as soon as I could, knowing I had a limited amount of time to get ready and not sure if I should keep the very complicated thing I had kept going all week out not, then just thought, why not? You see, although I had touched it up a little during the week, I had been tucked non-stop since the festival. My therapist had suggested I join a support group and while I didn’t particularly enjoy it the few times I went, I did learn some new tricks from them, and one of them I tried out all this week.
Removing the spirit gum from groin wasn't a lot of fun, making sure I was cleaning of all of it, but it had worked really well and for the dress I was thinking of wearing tonight I would need to do it again. After making sure I was smooth everywhere again, really dry where I needed to be, I laid on the bed and got the fresh bottle of spirit gum and tucked, painting it where I needed it to hold me in place, laying there while I waited for it to dry.
And then I was really annoyed as the playlist I picked at random on Spotify started playing some awful music and I had to lay there listening to it!
But once that was dry and looked perfect, I slipped on a silk robe and started doing my hair and makeup, trying to time it so that I would be ready to walk downstairs and meet him at the door. Riding the lift in my LBD, checking out my bum in the mirror of course and looking down at my strappy shoes, I felt remarkably confident, and walking across the lobby I saw the effect of my hard work on his face. I looked good. I kissed him on the cheek, walked across the pavement to his car and he opened the door for me. I sat in bum first, swinging my legs in and hoping I was discreet enough. As we drove away he said nothing for a couple of minutes until he said, “Um, can I ask you something?”
I turned my head to look at him with a smile, and he asked, “So, um. Are you going commando?”
I said, “A gentleman would never ask a question like that.” I waited a couple of seconds before adding, “But the bigger question is if you will find out later?”
When we got to the restaurant, it was just an amazing evening, really romantic and for the first time I felt like our Friday nights date were really a date, not just two people hanging out and then two people hanging out who fool around a little.
Anyway, as we walked back to the car we kissed and his hand ran down my back and slipped into the low cut back, cupping my bum cheek as he pulled me into him. We had to stop of course, and as he opened the door to his car said, “I knew it.” And extracted his hand from my dress, making me shiver in anticipation.
I climbed in, I knew I didn’t need to be discreet anymore. He already knew. Too be fair, the dress left very little to the imagination and although I was practically naked all evening, I never once felt it. I enjoyed the way he looked at me, I enjoyed the way other men in there looked at me, I even enjoyed the looks of annoyance from some of their dates that they were looking at me.
I felt great, womanly.
And now, I was going home with a man, and I felt ready for everything that would happen. I’ve been wanting this, needing this, and laying there underneath him as he thrust into me, I was revelling in it. My legs were wide open, we were kissing tenderly and passionately, moving together and he felt perfect inside me. There was no pain, just gentle lust, and even though I was tucked away, I could feel I was semi hard but no pain from it, just pleasure.
I could feel my orgasm build, hoping we would have one together but I beat him to it. I had never cum from anal before, been close a few times, but now I was cresting a wave of pleasure from everything he was doing to me, how he felt inside me. It was everything I ever wanted as I orgasmed, but the feeling was in every part of my body, rolling through me as I clung to him while he slowed down and pressed into me further. Everything he was doing to me, was for me.
I lay there with him still deep inside me as I came down, kissing him once again and thanking him for such a wonderful moment in time, making my fantasy real, telling him how great he feels inside me. He whispered in my ear, “It’s not over yet.”
And he fucked me slowly, made love to me and my pleasure never wained, but rolled through me again, building up again till I thought I couldn't take anymore. I felt my orgasm start to rise but this time, I could sense he was close too. I’ve swallowed enough of his cum to know when he is ready, so I encouraged him along, trying to make sure we both experience it together.
And we did.
He thrust into me, feeling deeper than before, pushing forward and tipping me over the top of the wave as we clung together, him filling me with his seed deep inside me as we came together. We lay there, locked together, clinging to him, and we kissed.
I said, “I know it’s because you’re my first, so please don’t read anything into this, but right now I love you.”
He kissed me and said, “And I know it’s only because I’m inside you and you’re my friend, but I love you too.”
We made love twice more that night and once again in the morning, but we never said I love you again.
After we had showered, I got a text from Steph saying she was going to come round and pick up her boyfriend, and when she walked in we were both dressed and of course she knew it had happened, I mean, I couldn't stop grinning for a start. She hugged me and whispered in my ear that she was happy for me, then told Rich he had better have been gentleman. I never told her about saying I loved him, I didn’t need to as we had talked about it, and it was just a ‘love the one you’re with’ type thing. I did care about him, but like he said, he is also my friend and my BFF’s boyfriend as well. Just a loaner for the night.
But from then on we became fuck buddies. Our Friday night dates continued and once every three weeks he would stay overnight with me, and Steph said she was pleased for the break and my therapist thought I was risking breaking an emotional bond between them, we trusted each other. Besides, he was just practice for me.
At work I was still Beck, but I knew I would need to make a decision soon. My boobs were now a little over an A cup and almost a full B now, but keeping them hidden at work was becoming harder. One day I was running a bit late and had a laundry crisis so I had to wear a bralet under my dress down hoody. Steph noticed immediately and the rest of the day was hell being hunched over.
Yes, of course we can all work out where this story ends with Becca, but give me a break, there’s still a long way to go before we get there.
In September I was out during the week with Steph in a bar and chatting away, just wearing jeans and a tee shirt when two guys from work came in. It wasn’t that busy in here and while I was on nodding terms with Luke, the other I had only really seen around the office, Jamie. Of course, Steph knew both of them, so they came over to say hello.
While I had barely noticed Jamie before, I defiantly noticed him now. He is really hot, whereas Jamie is more like handsome in a rugged way, like Harrison Ford so to speak. Steph being the more socially aware, or at least, more aware of how men are than me, knew what to do and introduced me to both of them. I thought I was busted and had no idea what to say, but it seemed neither recognised me, and as Steph said later, a pair of obvious tits and not having my hair slicked back makes a big difference.
After I got over my initial nerves and hesitancy, it was quite a nice evening and we all got on well. We chatted and I lied about my job, saying I was temping and quite liking the constant change in scenery. It allowed me to make up a load of rubbish and make it sound like I was quite boring.
But it didn’t seem to work as the next day in the office, the one I only know from a distance, Jamie, came over to chat to Steph about me. Stupidly I had said I was single and I completely missed the look from Steph about that, but this guy wanted to go for a drink with me. He is cute, I suppose, lying through my teeth to myself about how hot he is, and sitting here in fear, hoping that Steph will say Becca isn’t interested.
Of course she was ignoring me, and I was thinking it might be a good idea to send her a text when she said, “I’ll ask her, but I’ll be honest, she never mentioned either of you. But I think she enjoyed your company so maybe I can talk her into it.”
He thanked her and walked off, and like the bitch my BFF is, she carried on ignoring me and got back to work. I just sat there looking at her, and without turning her head said, “Lets go to lunch, I want to ask you something.”
I hated her right now!
And somehow on Thursday evening I was getting ready for a double date with her, Rich and Jamie. I was not a happy bunny, but she did make a good point, I mean, yes, I enjoy spending time with her boyfriend, but what about being on a date with another man?
She had come home with me to veto whatever outfit I was planning on and wouldn't let me wear jeans again, not even leggings, so there I was, sitting with her and rich in a pub waiting, wearing a short denim skirt and tee shirt, feeling very nervous. There was one unexpected thing that kept crossing my mind, a little bit of jealousy. I mean, yes, I still have my date with Rich tomorrow but right now the man who is, well, fucking me regularly is sitting there with his girlfriend and practically ignoring me.
And then Jamie walked in and he looked hot as fuck!
I felt things I had never felt for Rich, and thank god Steph was there as she kept my lust under control. Yes, I fancied Rich, yes I loved having sex with him, but Jamie made me want to jump him, and Steph told me in the toilets to calm down a bit. She said that if he does ask me out I am to put him off a bit, and to let Rich try and calm me down a bit by taking the edge off it for me beforehand. And that was an interesting thought, could I go on a date right after I was with Rich?
Oh god, I need to get this horniness under control, and I did, sort of. Yes, he suggested we go out, and I suggested going out for lunch on Saturday, sneaking a look at Steph who rolled her eyes at me, guessing what was on my mind. So the following night, I think I broke Rich, I mean, I drained him and rode him within an inch of both of our lives and we finally fell asleep in each other’s arms.
In the morning we had sex again, our first time in the shower making for some slippery passionate fun, and then once again right before we both left together, me going on my date. I wanted to feel satisfied before I met up with Jamie, and I’m really glad I did as all the sex we had together made me feel like I didn’t need to try and ooze sex appeal for the date, I knew I was attractive to men, I mean, apart from feeling little sore, I was also feeling Rich’s cum inside me.
Maybe that was a bit slutty of me, but also a good choice for me as I was still feeling like I wanted to sleep with Jamie, but as Steph said, he has no idea who I am or what my gender is. I barely know that yet myself. At least Rich knows and is a safe partner to experiment with, Jamie is a different kind of experiment for me to learn a bit more about myself.
We were originally only going to have lunch together, and then separate before the evening, but somehow we ending up eating together. He was that charming, and then we went to the cinema, sitting there and he placed a hand on my leg.
Oh shit!
I could feel my self control collapsing, and I turned to face him to say that it was a bit too soon for this, but he kissed me. I really wanted to stop it, I did, I knew this was wrong and I needed to stop before it went too far, but I just couldn't stop it, and when he cupped one of my boobs and played with my nipple, all bets were off.
I wasn’t going to do it, I really mustn't do it, of god, why am I doing it? I was stroking his cock through his trousers without even realising it, and before it was too late I was undoing the zip and putting my hand it to stroke it flesh to flesh.
And that’s when we got kicked out the cinema, giggling away.
We got in his car and I said I wouldn't invite him in, I wanted to be very clear about that, but when we stopped I never got out. I sat there and he switched off the engine, looking at each other and started kissing again. He pulled down the zip on the back of my dress with one hand and with the other started pulling it up my legs, running his hands up them. I never stopped him. I opened my legs a little, feeling his fingers stroke the front of my underwear, but had just enough of awareness not to open them too far as he let my dress fall down, exposing my boobs.
Ok, I let my dress fall down by leaning forward, I wanted to give him access to them and took my bra off, but I knew I needed to take a bit more control and I took hold of his cock again, trying to take it out and I leant over and just went for it. I took him straight into my throat and his hand stopped trying to search under my dress.
He wasn't as big as Rich, maybe as thick, but he was now the second one I had in my mouth and I wanted to get him off quickly. It wasn’t just that I wanted to stop his hands, I was quite enjoying that, it was more that I was acutely aware I was parked outside my apartment block half naked with a cock in my throat.
He didn’t last very long, and after covering myself up, didn’t want to kiss me either. In fact, he became a bit distant almost and I realised that now he had got off, he had lost interest in me. I should have been annoyed but I really wasn’t. As I walked away from his car and to my building, I was kinda relieved he didn’t have my number. I thought about it on the way up in the lift, and yes, I really enjoyed the date, but the way he acted afterwards didn’t exactly make him seem like a nice guy anymore. He was still hot, and yes, given the chance I would jump him at the first opportunity, but beyond looking at him, he was kinda boring.
I took my phone and sent a quick text to Steph to let her know I was ok, saying ‘I took your advice.’ Three dots appeared followed by ‘?’ I smiled reading it, she had forgotten. As I walked into my flat I typed a message back, ‘Just home now, alone. He’s too boring and only nice to look at. So I didn't fuck him, just blew him to keep his hands away from me.’
She used every laughing emoji possible in reply.
On Monday at work, it didn’t take long before Luke came over to talk to Steph, talking to her quietly and then leaving, making her look angry. I asked if she was ok, and she told me that it could wait till lunchtime but she was very quiet till then. Turns out that Jamie was an absolute wanker! He wasn’t only telling people what happened in the car, he lied about what happened afterwards. Oh, and he took some photos on his phone of me deep throating him.
Steph said that Luke had managed to stop them being shared around and is pretty sure they were deleted, but he wanted to get a warning to Becca so she knew to stay away from Jamie. We were both annoyed about it, so Steph went into action telling people in return that not only did they not sleep together, that his dick was so small it was easy to swallow all and he came within seconds.
That made me feel a lot better, but out during the week with Steph, we bumped into Luke, or at least, that was what I thought at first as he wanted to say sorry for not warning me what he was like before he started chasing me. Luke was great, and he gave me a follow on insta, later slipping into my DMs to say hi, and hoped that it was ok to follow me.
He was quite a gentleman really, and over the evening I found myself reevaluating him having been blinded by Jamie’s good looks. Yes, he was handsome in a more rugged way, but he wasn't so full of himself for it, much more reserved and self deprecating in his humour. I found myself talking to him in my DMs a lot, not over the top and he wasn’t creepy in anyway, not even flirty, just chatting and it was really nice. When talking to Steph about it she told me this is what I should have been looking for, not just a fuck buddy or a hot guy for the physical side of things, someone who treated me like a woman.
Which is exactly what my therapist said as well when we talked about it, and she said I needed to think carefully about what I should do next, and like me she was sensing that I was coming close to making a decision about my future. The weeks seemed to fly by and there was so much running around in my mind that I barely noticed I got in the lift at work with Luke, nodding a hello and checking my phone, seeing a message from him that very morning. On insta he asked if I wanted to go out for a coffee with him, maybe even a drink sometime.
I was trying not to look across to him as I typed my reply. ‘I would like that, but not just yet. I have quite a lot going on that I don’t want to dump on you as that’s not fair, but one day, hopefully soon I would like that.’
The doors opened and I stepped out hitting send. Once I sat down at my desk I got a reply saying, “I completely understand and while I can’t promise I will wait, I will say that I hope that asking you out won’t stop us talking to each other.’
I sat there with a big smile, and Steph asked me what was up. I looked across and said, “Nothing, I just feel really happy today.”
A Needed Change - Part Six
Ten minutes after sitting at my desk, an email alert came in, but I was looking at other stuff and day dreaming about the invite from Luke for a date. Ok, it was just an invite for a coffee or a drink, but in my mind it was a romantic date. Anyway, I heard Steph squeal with delight at something, and looked at her. She was extremely excited about something and told me to check my emails.
There were quite a few in there as there always is each morning, but the most recent one was titled ‘Fancy dress’, which is what clearly got her excited. Halloween is a couple of weeks away, and the office was inviting us to come in dressed up. It seemed a bit weird to me, after all, the 31st was on a Thursday this year, but it did go on to say they would be encouraging us to donate a little to charity and the Friday would be a dress down day.
Steph always gets excited about halloween, I think in her heart she’s American in that way, but looking at her now I could see a lot going through her mind, and I have to admit, I was thinking some of those things as well. I had two costumes at home, both fitted me quite well, but do I do it or not?
I mean, one of them is well, suggestive in some ways and could I really wear it to work and go all out or not? Anyway, I tried to ignore it, having much more interesting things on my mind and knowing that she wanted to talk to me about it, I kept changing the subject. She was getting a bit annoyed about that, but I told her we will go out for a coffee for lunch.
Off course, she could barely wait to talk about it, and told me that no matter what I wore to work, I would have to wear the other costume to her halloween party on the Saturday.
I said, “You know, I’m not sure about doing it that way. It’s a big step and lets face it will out myself, and I don’t think I’m ready.”
The truth is, I was more worried about Luke seeing me and hating me for leading him on, but I sent a email to my therapist to ask if we could meet a bit earlier and she said she could fit me in for an online consult that evening.
When discussing it with her, she never once offered an opinion, always doing that annoying thing of asking another question. I barely know why I’m teasing it out for you, we all know what I did, but it came down to this one question from her at the end of the session, “Is there a reason why you wouldn't want to do it?”
And the truth is, there were no reasons not to do it, not even thinking about Luke and him feeling misled. I wanted to do it and had picked which outfit I would wear to work and how to do my makeup for the day. I looked at her and said, “You already know my answer don’t you.”
She gave a small smile and told me to enjoy myself, and I sent a text to Steph telling her I would decide if I will do it on the day and not before. I didn’t do that to wind her up, it was more that I knew she would try and help me with my look, but I needed to do that for myself, giving me a chance to learn more about makeup. It did mean I would have to go shoe shopping by myself, but I could live with, a girl can never have enough shoes!
Steph of course the next day tried to talk me into coming in to work in fancy dress, but I told her I need to do this in my own time, and she did back off, dropping hints here and there when we were out the following evening. My therapist had been great in the whole process and although she hadn’t told me what the diagnosis was for me yet, I think she knew and I think I did as well and it was making me more and more distracted from Steph, and I was worried I was being a bit distant from her, but on Wednesday at lunch, I opened up a bit to her, apologising for not being my usual self.
Her response was to hug me, tell me it’s ok and that she’s here for me.
Thank god she had tissues in her bag, and I really wish I had some make up with me to try and hide the damage. Which was made even worse when back at work and I was standing at a urinal and Luke came in, standing with the obligatory empty one between us. He glanced at me as I nodded a hello, and he must have seen something and he asked me if I was ok.
I very much wasn’t now! All I could think is my eyes are puffy, I’m dressed in drab and we’re both holding our own penis’s and the world should just open up and swallow me now. Please, this is the worst time for him to ask that question, but I brushed it off saying it was just late hay fever or an allergy.
After work I went shopping for shoes, not just to cheer myself up, not just for the costume, but also because tomorrow I had a hospital appointment after work and it felt like everything was all coming to head for me. Very soon I would be if not out at work, everyone would know a lot more about me, even if they are being correct in adding two plus two. And now the doctor is going to tell what they recommend for me, almost as if my options are slightly disappearing.
But picking out the perfect strappy shoes for the costume with a not too pointy a heel for a day at work, I think I was ready.
One thing that was funny is that Luke sent me a DM while I was on my way to the shops, complimenting me on the yellow dress I was wearing.
OK, how does he know I’m wearing this? It stopped me dead as I read the message then saw three dots as he typed and the next message said ‘look to your left’.
And there he was, sitting in the window of Starbucks, so I stopped and waved at him, doing a little pose for him, watching him type on his phone and three dots appeared as he asked if I wanted to join him.
I was tempted, but it was also hard to forget the last time I was so close to him, so I said I would have loved to, but I need to go and buy some shoes to go with my fancy dress outfit for halloween.
Dammit! Why did I say that?
I watched him read the message, look at me and raise his coffee cup in salute and he messaged me that he hopes I post a photo of the outfit on the day. I promised him I would and then wondered to myself what he will say if he sees me at work. But let’s face it, he will hear about it anyway, the weird friend of Steph has come in dressed as a girl.
But I did find myself taking a photo of the shoes and sending them to him, saying ‘here’s a preview.’ I wasn’t wearing them in the photo and I hope he hasn’t got a foot fetish, or that I awakened something in him.
The next day at work I didn’t see him, and Steph was amazing with me, keeping me laughing all day as I tried not to think about what the afternoon has in store for me. I rushed home to get changed before I went to the hospital, I just didn’t want to be Beck while getting whatever news was in store for me, and just wore skinny jeans and a jumper.
I seemed to be sitting there forever while I waited, but I think it’s just my nerves. The consultant was gentle with me while they gave their recommendations for my future. I was a bit surprised to find out they had been speaking in depth with my therapist about the options, and they laid it all out for me. There were three choices in total, and my therapist would make the final recommendation on one of them, the other two I could pick right now. I needed to think about it (yes, we all know where this is going, but please remember the joy is in the telling).
Once home I changed into a pair of shorts and tee shirt and as soon as I plopped down on the sofa the buzzer went and smile crossed my face, I knew it was Steph, who else could it be? I just hit the button to let in her in, opened up some wine and poured two glasses, handing one to her the moment she walked in.
And I told her everything.
The next day being a Friday it was my date night, so I rushed home to get ready. I wanted to feel like a woman tonight and as soon as Rich arrived he told me that he was under orders from Steph to look after me and make sure he gets home by 6am tomorrow.
We made love forever it seemed, I needed it so much and jumped on him. I needed some validation from someone, and his erection never seemed to fail. After what seemed like he was inside me one way or another for many hours, we seemed to slow down and just lay there, holding each other as we kissed gently.
We hadn’t eaten at this point, although I felt quite full thanks to Rich, we did need to eat something, so he ordered some food and we just chatted while we waited. I never heard the buzzer for the main door, it seems someone let the delivery guy in and they knocked on the door.
And we were both quite naked, shimmering with sweat. I had glued back my tuck, it was very much my preferred method now, so Rich slapped me on the bum and said, “Go get my food, woman.”
I raised my eyebrow at him, asking, “Is that my instruction, sir?”
He told me, “Damn straight it is.”
So I stood up, gave his semi erect dick a gentle kiss and walked out, completely naked, heading towards the door. I heard him sit up, and follow me to the door, looking around the corner not quite believing what I was doing but I was feeling confident again. Everything we had done together had made me feel womanly and now I wanted to share it with the world. I opened the door and looked at the delivery man, maybe a university student and not much younger than me to be honest.
But I knew I looked good, how else could Rich have been so hard for so long, filling me with so much of his cum all evening? I hid nothing from the delivery man, and I didn’t care as he looked at me, saying nothing. I held out my hand and he passed me the bag of food, still looking at me.
“Sorry,” I said, “I don’t have anything to tip you with, is that ok?”
He nodded and I turned before shutting the door, letting him have a look at my bum, then used my foot to close the door behind me as the giggles finally burst out of me, running back towards Rich as we sat at the breakfast bar to eat.
Halfway through the food, Rich said, “You know when you turned around he could see quite a bit of cum between your legs.”
I picked up a piece of chicken, dipped it in some sauce and said, “Nowhere near enough if you ask me, so eat up, I need a lot more from you tonight!”
I didn’t really want to eat, but I knew he needed to and as soon as he was finished I slid off the stool, moving closer to him and started kissing his neck, running my finger tips over his arm and moving my lips closer to his face until our lips touched. When this first started for me, revisiting what I now knew was part of my youth, I never once imagined that almost a year later I would be here right now, naked in my kitchen/living room, leading a naked man by his dick. It was dark out by now, and there was something I wanted to do, something that my ex never wanted to try, but now I wanted to be the one in her place.
I turned off the lights, opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside. The air had a chill to it, but I could see no one, and didn’t care if they could see me as I felt Rich step up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. He was ready once again, and I reached back, guiding him into me as we stood there, his arms around my waist as I braced myself against the hand rail, pushing back, as he slowly slid in and out of me, kissing my neck, making me feel warm inside and out, caressing my boobs, and I felt him get harder and swell in me. I thrust back onto him, wanting to feel every millimetre of him as he bred me again.
I felt like a woman.
I never got dressed again that evening, but I did send him home early, even walking with him to the lifts, waiting there to kiss him good night before he went back to Steph. I heard the lift get closer, and pulled him to me. I think I was hoping I would be seen by someone, but it was empty, and once the doors closed on him, I suddenly felt exposed and stupid, running back to the safety of my flat, collapsing on my bed in a fit of giggles and felling very satisfied as I rolled over to go to sleep, smelling him still in my room, on my body and everywhere.
The next day I didn’t have a lot to do as Steph was away with Rich at a wedding, but she did send me a text calling me a exhibitionist, and apart from sending back an embarrassed emoji, I just admitted it was a fantasy come true at last. Other than a bit of shopping, I was left alone with my thoughts which was a good thing. I had some choices to make and a discussion with my therapist on Thursday about it.
The rest of the working week was a working week, with Steph dropping lots of hints about fancy dress at work, and even though I knew I would do it, I still wasn't sure of the two costumes I had at home. Maybe I should see if I can order something else online to arrive by then and just hope it fits well enough and not cheap enough to look stupid. In the end I did order something as a ‘just in case’ option, a French maid outfit which is probably a bit cliched, but had decent enough reviews and I could wear my nice lingerie with the stockings and suspenders.
Anyway, Thursday arrived and I slipped out of work early to see the therapist. I was really nervous about this one, I’d learnt a lot about myself over the last year, even more over the last six months of these sessions, and today it started with a question about what the endocrinologist has told me. I’m sure she knew, but she wanted to hear it from me first, so she got an edited highlights, ending with another question from her. “So which option will you take?”
I took a deep breath.
“Well, option one is definitely a no, I don’t want to have testosterone and look like a man. Option two is no different to how I am today, and of course option three has some appeal, but am I ready for that?”
She looked me over and said, “Today I see a very stylish woman sitting in front of me, one who just said they don’t want to look like a man, so it’s easy to ignore the first one. Myself, your GP or the specialist knew you didn’t want that, but it had to be on the table. The question is, how do you see yourself?”
I sat there thinking, wondering that very question. Am I a woman? I feel more like a woman than anything else, but I could be gender fluid, there’s enough research I have done that could indicate that.
I said, “Am I gender fluid?”
As always, I get a question in reply. “How often do you present as a male?”
I wanted to reply, I really did, but she knew the answer already as well as I did. I looked at her said, “How soon can I start with option three?”
Walking back to my car with a prescription and a whole new list of things to do but not quite sure when I would do them. I was told not to rush it, let things happen when I’m ready to let them happen.
I wanted to tell Steph, but decided to wait until Saturday when I took Rich home. He was staying over again and I love those times, waking up with his arm around me, kissing him first thing and having breakfast together. Of course, the shower is always fun, but when aren’t they fun when you’re not alone?
Dropping Rich off, he needed to go get ready to play football, and I sat down with Steph. I said, “I have something to tell you.” She looked at me. “Soon, I’m not quite sure exactly when, but Becca will be me all the time. I just need to work everything out and then that’s it, maybe in the new year.”
She sat there saying nothing, making me wonder if I have just upset her when she finally said, “Thank god for that, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant!”
It took a second for me to understand what she said, but when I started to smile, she lent across and wrapped me in her arms, holding me and whispered in my ear, “I know, I’ve always known.”
And then she jumped backwards, grabbing my hands and said, “Oh my god, you need a girls night out tonight. I’ll call the girls and we will go shopping right now!”
I then got to witness a whirlwind of activity as she rushed about getting ready for shopping and out we went out, buying myself a brand new outfit, something to show off my femininity, and hanging out with two of her friends who just accepted me at a moments notice. When they turned up at Steph’s in a taxi I was worried about what I should tell them, but was told not to worry, they’ve been following me on insta for ages after she told them about her new girlfriend at work.
“Wait, they know about me?” I asked.
“Of course, haven’t you realised yet, girls tell their BFFs everything. Why do you think we share everything with each other? They love you and have wanted to meet you for ages but I said not until you told me this is who you really are.”
They both walked in, hugged me within an inch of my life and we started complimenting each other on our outfits when we all jumped back into the taxi. And my leggings squeaked on the leather seats making it sound like I was farting, made worse by the girls making me sit up front with the driver having been dared to flirt with him.
But every time I moved, my shiny leggings made a fart sound and all I could hear were fits of giggles over it. But it was a great evening, I don’t think we stopped chatting all night, well, apart from when one of us was making out with some random guy, with them setting a target for me to kiss at least three guys in three different bars or clubs. Because I only managed two guys thanks to my nerves, I then had to kiss two guys in one bar and I was meant to openly stroke one of them through their trousers earlier, so this time I had to take their hand and put it between my legs and let them rub me as I rubbed them.
Thankfully, the leggings were so tight I had nothing to worry about, but Steph still had to pull me away as I was quite enjoying it and we were standing on the street at the time. She said, “Ok, seems like you didn’t get enough last night.” Her friends started laughing and yes, they knew all about it. So we talked about sex, comparing notes, but funnily enough both me and Steph talked about Rich like he was two different people.
In the cab as each of us were dropped at home, Steph talked about her fancy dress halloween party on Friday and that she was thinking of going to work as Malibu Barbie on the day, then said to her friends, “I’m hoping little missy here will wear what she has at home to work.”
They wanted to know, but I wasn’t sure myself yet, so wimped out a bit and said I’ve ordered a maid’s outfit, but it’s still a big decision to do this for work. They all started talking at once, trying to convince me, telling me I look happy like this so should just do it, but I pointed out I could easily just go as a business woman and still be in fancy dress.
Steph thought that was a good idea too, but still, a big step to take.
So on Wednesday at work I added my name to the fancy dress list and paid my £20 to take part, telling Steph I would pick her up in the morning. At home that evening I tried on the French maid outfit but didn’t like it, the fitting was all wrong and rather then looking good, it just seemed to hang on me. I opened the wardrobe and looked at the two outfits already in there, the ones that Steph found and the one I showed her all those months ago, then took out a suit with a very short skirt, trying that on as well.
I laid out all three options and would decide in the morning.
I got up early and tried all three options, thinking to myself if I’m going to do it, I may as well do it properly and knew then what I would wear, doing my make up to match. I found a long coat to wear for the walk to garage and the drive to Steph’s, covering myself up as much as I could when I knocked on her door. Rich opened it while still eating toast and I followed him in as Steph sat there in a robe, putting on some pink lipstick. She looked me up and down and said, “Come on then, show me.”
I took my coat off and her moth dropped a little, then stood up and took off her robe. She had a bright pink bikini on, with a short little sarong wrap for some modesty, but looked at me and said, “You know, I only opted for this to try and draw some attention away from you, but now it looks like I have competition.”
And she removed the sarong, picked up a pink handbag and asked Rich where her coat was. The walk from parking the car to the office was intense for me, I don’t think I was taking a risk, but then again, I am very much outing myself. We walked into the office, hung up our coats on a rack near our desks and both walked across to our desks, starting the working day.
I was too scared to go and get a coffee, and Steph refused to get one without me so I did it and a few people walked past, some in fancy dress, some not. Just like at my desk, some did a double take, some not even noticing us. But I was very aware of how I looked and very aware of the looks we were getting from some. After about half an hour, my morning coffee was making itself known, and I whispered to Steph, “Steph, I need to go.”
She looked at me, and said, “Home?”
“No, I need the loo but what do I do?” It hadn’t occurred to me before now this would happen, but she just rolled her eyes and picked up her bag, saying, “Come on, it’ll be alright.”
And she stood up and we walked the length of the office, with a lot of eyes looking at us, a few whispers and a few who were openly checking us out. I was used to it by now, sometimes enjoying the looks, sometimes not enjoying them, but getting them at work wasn't something I expected to happen. We walked into the ladies and I ran to a stall, sat down to pee and heard someone come in.
Once I had finished and wiped, I pulled my outfit back up and went out, and there was a women I had never spoken to before, and she said, “Beck? It is Beck isn’t it?”
And Steph from a stall said, “Call her Becca.”
She looked at me and said, “Becca! That’s adorable and I love your outfit and I wish I had your figure to wear something like that.” She was dressed in the same French maid outfit I had at home, but on her it looked amazing and I told her so and we gushed over each other as I touched up my make up before I needed to go back to my desk. Her words gave me a lot of confidence, and as I walked back to my desk with Steph, I felt myself swaying my hips a bit, and she did the same, both of us enjoying the moment. At our desks we stifled some giggles and I said I would go and get us a coffee, needing to fly solo for once.
Waiting for the kettle to boil, I stood there and noticed Luke talking to Steph at her desk, and he smiled at me. By now it would have been around the office that Beck was here as a girl today, and asking to be called Becca, and I wished I had been honest with him right from the start, or at least telling him about me when we had that ‘double date’ where he apologised for Jamie.
But instead he smiled at me.
He smiled at me.
He must know who I am by now, but he smiled at me.
And I smiled back, mouthing a sorry at him, which seemed to confuse him, so I waved my wand at him and he laughed.
He had left by the time I got back with the coffees, and I asked Steph what he said. She told me, “He said you look great and to tell you he is looking forward to seeing you at my party on Saturday.”
“What! You invited him! But he knows who I am now!”
She smiled and said, “Oh that, no, he always knew, that’s why he felt so bad about not warning you about Jamie.”
I sat there stunned, too stunned to work and after about twenty minutes of pretending to do something I grabbed my phone and sure enough, there was a DM from Luke. It said, ‘Love the look today, wish I had a Peter Pan outfit. Unless that’s too forward.”
It was sent within three minutes of me walking into the building. And here I was, a man, dressed in, well, lets face it, a slutty Tinkerbell costume that hides nothing that I’m not already hiding or been hiding in the past. I looked at a photo I took before I left home and uploaded it to insta with the caption ‘Too much for work?’
The likes started rolling in instantly, and one of the first was Luke. Followed by Steph and her friends, then lots of strangers and lots of frankly inappropriate comments and messages. I showed one to Steph which made us both giggle and our supervisor come over to tell us to get on with work, giving me a very unapproving look down her nose. I don’t care, she’s never been very friendly and looks like she has a broom stuck up her arse. The rest of the day was just normal, apart from my wings getting in the way when I wanted to lean back in my chair. Having left Luke on read all day, I sent him a message saying it was definitely too forward, but not to wear that for Steph’s party as I won’t be Tink for that. He asked me a few times what I would be wearing, but I told him I don’t even know yet what I will wear, so no chance of trying to match me. He sent a sad face, but I decided not to answer.
I had made another decision about tomorrow for dress down day at work. No one seemed to mind what I wore, pretty much everyone had called me either Becca or Becs, so why shouldn't I dress down as well?
A Needed Change - Part Seven
The next day I did dress down for work, but as Becca and no one batted an eyelid; everyone accepted me. Apart from one person, one I didn’t expect it from, and that was my supervisor. I was called into her office within an hour of getting there and I thought she was asking me to do something so I just lent against the desk when she turned to face me.
“So Beck, do you think how you’re dressed is appropriate for an office?”
I glanced out the window at everyone else, and yes my boots did come over my knees but my skirt was no shorter than a few of the other women here today - wow, I really am saying other women without thinking about it. Anyway, she must have seen my confusion and said, “You’re a man, and you’re dressed in a skirt, using the women's facilities and it’s not right. There are people here who might get upset by this sort of behaviour and I expect you to be wearing a suit again on Monday.”
I never said a word, but realised I just had my first encounter with a terf. I walked back to my desk with my arms folded, feeling very small and stupid, trying to avoid looking at anyone or them looking at me. Steph wanted to know if I was ok, but I just shook my head to say I didn’t want to talk about it.
I had only just started the hormones and suddenly felt very emotional, trying to stop myself from crying and Steph grabbed her handbag, then my hand and pulled me into the ladies as the tears came. She hugged me as I cried and I told her what was said, feeling her get tense with anger, but I begged her not to say anything. She helped me repair my face and we walked out, only for me to see the supervisor looking sternly at me as Steph led me back to her desk.
I tried to put it out of my mind, but Steph was tapping angrily away at the keyboard which actually made me laugh. When we left work at the end of the day Rich was standing there and he held out his hands and told me to hand over my car keys, and he drove me home. Steph turned up half an hour later and made us all something to eat, kissed my cheek and told me to bring him home tomorrow. We never made love that night, we didn’t even fuck, he just held me and looked after me.
I felt safe.
By the morning I felt a lot better and he made me French toast. I looked at him and said, “Sorry we didn’t have sex last night.”
He rushed over and hugged me, telling me not to be stupid and I just lent into him letting him hold me as I stood there. We parted slowly and sat down to eat, and he never once asked me about it, waiting to see if I wanted to talk but I wasn’t ready yet. I knew it would happen one day, having a run in like that, but until now I had basically been stealth.
I asked him, “Do I look like a woman?”
He looked at me and said of course I do. I undid my robe and let it fall to the ground, standing there naked in front of him, not for the first time, but it was the first time I hadn’t been tucked. My little penis was hanging there, almost useless, and I said, “What about now?”
He looked me up and down, even looking there, then got up and hugged my naked body, saying into my ear, “Extremely womanly.”
And we kissed.
We still didn’t have sex, I think he knew I just needed some validation, but I sat there eating, refusing to get dressed and occasionally enjoying him looking at my body. We even showered together, washing each others bodies, but I didn’t want him to wash me there, the only place I wouldn't let him touch me while I was untucked.
I sent him home early. Partly because I wanted to get ready for Steph’s party, but also I wanted him to help her, after all he is her boyfriend so it’s only fair that she gets to enjoy spending time with him, so I did what any girl does when she’s feeling a bit sad and needs cheering up. No, not shopping, I gave myself a damn good pampering! I ran a bath and dropped in a bath bomb, making sure the temperature was just right. I was tempted to have a glass of wine, but it was only just after lunch and I had a party so best to pace myself.
After bathing, shaving where I needed to, washing my hair and just having a relaxing time, I thought back over the last few months. Yes, I’m a woman, I’ve always been woman and clearly trying to make myself into something I wasn’t after that scary moment when I was almost caught in a dress aged eleven. But now, even my horrible supervisor can’t dent my mood, my friends and family know who I am and they love me for who I am and it seems they always knew who I really am.
But that still leaves the question about what to do on Monday? I know I will need to speak to HR and get the ball rolling, even start to change my name and all of those legal things, but what do I do about the terf at work? She’s clearly going to make my life hell, but dealing with it is something I have no idea how to do. I had a little look online and got lots of tips that others had shared, but none of my accounts stated I was a trans woman and I felt reluctant to out myself there just yet. Should I change them or not? Yes, I should, and I need to own it, be proud of who I am.
Anyway, that’s a problem for future me. Present me needs to get out the bath so I don’t turn into a prune, and start my moisturising routine and decide what to eat before I call a cab.
I thought about wearing a coat to cover myself up for the journey, but at the last check in the mirror before heading out, I had a fit of confidence, grabbed my clutch and walked out. In the lift on the way down, it pinged and in got my friend from a few floors down with her husband. His jaw dropped slightly and she told him to close his mouth right before telling me I looked good, and yes, checking myself in the lift mirror I agreed with her. I took a selfie, including a couple with her and put the best one on insta.
Walking out to the cab the driver got out and opened the door for me, slipping in bum first and swinging my legs in, waiting for him to almost run around the car to get back in. Thankfully, he did keep his eyes on the road, but at every stop he looked, and I pretended not to notice while I enjoyed the attention.
Arriving at the party early Steph said, “I so knew you would wear that! I could see it in your eye when you first showed it to me.”
I gave her a twirl and replied, “And I know you wanted to borrow it, so thank you for not asking.”
She looked great herself dressed as Woody from Toy Story in a pair of jeans hot pants and a waistcoat, and I already knew that Rich was going to be Buzz. We hugged and headed out to the kitchen to start sorting things out and Rich walked in, stopping dead when he looked at me.
He looked pretty good himself, so I took a couple of steps to stand next to Steph, slipping an arm around her waist and saying, “Like what you see?”
We both watch a growing bulge, looked at each other and giggled before I said to her, “I’m not ruining my make up, it’s your turn to suck it.”
And we both laughed, almost uncontrollably, dabbing tissues at our eyes but it did help Rich and the bulge stopped growing. We carried on sorting out the party supplies, and slowly people started to turn up, Steph’s friends, people from work, people I didn’t know and it gradually changed from a few people in fancy dress into a party. Everyone from work called me Becca all night, and other than the work girls asking if my boobs were all mine or not, I was just one of the girls. Like everyone, well, almost everyone they accepted me for who I am.
And then I saw someone in a suit, a man, and he did not look like he was in fancy dress. I hadn’t noticed them before now, and I had been practically everywhere this evening. When he turned I saw it was Luke and he gave me a little wave, just a hand up to say hello, and turned away from me to carry on talking to whoever had his attention.
I was not happy. I was about to go over to say hi, but Steph intercepted me, pulling me into her kitchen to help with something she could have done by herself.
When we were alone she said, “You were about to do something really stupid.”
I said, “What do you mean? I was only going to talk to him!”
“No, you were annoyed he didn’t come to talk to you, but he will. You haven’t noticed him, but he’s been watching you all night, following you around almost hoping you would see him. He’s trying to act cool. You should try it.”
I looked at her and the closed door, wondering if I should go and stand close to him, but it opened, and there he was, filling the doorway and smiling at me. Steph said, “Great, you will do. Can you help Becca take the bottles into the garden for the recycling?”
And the bitch walked away.
I looked at him and said, “So where’s you’re costume?”
He said nothing, walking over to me and picking up an empty bottle and took a business card out of the inside pocket of his jacket, handing it to me, saying, “The name’s Bond. James Bond.”
I took the card from him and it said ‘I didn’t have a costume at home, so this will do.’
“Ok Mr No Effort At All, pick up some bottles and follow me.”
I worked it, worked it hard. I only took two empties out and he grabbed two as well, and after dropping them in the box, we just stood there in silence for a moment. I broke it by saying, “I really am sorry, I never meant to mislead you and should have said something.”
He put his hands on my upper arms and said, “I told you, I already knew. I saw you out months ago with some woman, then saw you again with Steph a few times. Then when I bumped into you with that prick, I am sorry about that by the way, I was really pleased to get to know you.”
I lowered my head. I was really embarrassed about Jamie and felt like it had hurt him. “And I’m sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me.”
He said, “I do. You fancied him, and that’s ok, a lot of women fancy him. I’m just glad I was able to stop him talking about you.”
I looked up at him, and there was only one thing I could do. This man had kept my secret even better than Rich had, looked out for me and… “Wait, you really knew all along?”
He smiled and said yes and every time we had been close to each other since then came to mind. “Oh my god. You know when you asked me out for a coffee I was reading that message right next to you in the lift?”
He nodded and said, “Yep. I could see it. I am taller than you, you know?”
“Wait, we stood next to each other in the toilets!”
He gave a shy smile and looked a bit red himself now, and I said, “Thank god I didn’t look!”
“Were you tempted?”
Ok, I could get in a lot of trouble here now. I said, “A women reserves the right to not answer questions like that.”
And I shivered, just a little, it is just November now, so he slipped off his jacket and dropped it over my shoulders and I stepped forward and he hugged me. He smelt great and I felt very safe and wanted now. I said into his chest, “Does it not bother you, you know, about me?”
I felt him shake his head as he hugged me a little firmer. I looked up at him and he looked down at me. ‘Please do it’ I thought to myself, and he did, gently, first on the tip of my nose, then softly on my lips, then I kissed him back. Not full on, just gentle and romantic, a little tongue on the lips, then we stood there, me leaning on his chest with his arms wrapped around me.
The door opened and we were bathed in light and Steph stood holding a few more empties. She said, “Jesus, I can’t leave you two alone for second.”
Luke kissed the top of my head and headed back in, and I looked at Steph as we waited for the door to close. “Thank god you too have finally got something happening. He’s been bugging me about when he should ask you out after you turned him down.”
We sat on the step on she told me all about it as I slipped my arms into the jacket and rolling up the sleeves a bit, about how after meeting us in the bar with Jamie, how he knew who I really was and how he wanted to make sure I was ok and that nothing bad would happen to me. I said, “So he always knew, and it never bothered him about, you know, what I have down there?”
She replied, “If Rich is ok with it and has always seen you as a women, yes, even before you kissed, then why wouldn’t Luke?”
I thought about it for a few seconds, then started to smile, facing Steph and saying, “He likes me.”
“Well duh!”
Back in the party the first thing I did was was walk around looking for him. I needed to give the jacket back but I also didn’t want to take it off, not because it covered me up, but because I could still smell him. After a few minutes, I found him and he helped me take it off and I just stood next to him while he chatted to a couple of girls from work. I’m not sure when it happened but we held hands for a bit, but we drifted apart as you do in parties, seeing each other on and off.
Near midnight he found me again, and we slipped outside as he wanted to say goodnight before he left, and we kissed again. This time with a bit more passion, a bit more desire and with a lot of promise for things to come. Once again Steph disturbed us, this time by accident and he left with me looking after him with a dreamy look on my face. Steph whispered to me, “Luke and Becca, sitting in a tree….”
I nudged her in the ribs.
The party started to wind down about 1am until it was just me there, and we all sat on the sofa with Rich in the middle. Steph said, “So what are you going to do?”
I knew what she meant, and I think she already knew my answer, but I said, “Well, get a cab to go home I guess.”
I slowly turned my head to look at her, trying to keep the smile of my face and said, “Thank god I love my annoying best friend.” And we linked arms as we sat there, all leaning our heads on each other.
I hung around to help them clean up, but in the end they said they couldn’t be bothered and would wait till the morning, with Steph sitting on a armchair and me and Rich on the sofa next to each other. I leant against him and he put an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close and it was nice.
Steph was sitting there watching us and said, “You two missed out on your Friday night date, and I’m too tired so if you want to, go ahead.”
I looked at Rich and wasn’t sure, I mean, I’m kinda with Luke now, but he kissed my nose and said, “It has been a nightmare for me with you two walking around strutting your stuff. I almost felt bad looking at you.”
I looked at Steph and we both giggled and I said, “Ok, but this will be the last time.”
She nodded, reached out for a bowl of popcorn and got herself comfortable, saying, “I’ve been so busy being the host all evening, it’s my turn to watch a show. Go on then, right here and now.”
I was a bit surprised, but Rich looked at me and shrugged, pulling me into a kiss. Time seemed to slow down, and I kept opening an eye to look at Steph, but she was quite happily snacking and watching us, telling me with her eyes to focus on the job at hand. And it was in my hand, I must have gone onto autopilot.
Half of my brain was aware of what I was doing and being watched, but the other half was shouting at me to pay attention to the man I was with. Somehow we needed up on the floor, my Bunny suit removed and Rich was kissing my nipples as he slid in and out of me, and my head rolled back in pleasure. When I opened my eyes Steph was looking down at me and said, “He’s good, isn’t he?”
“God yes!”
Afterwards, we sat back down and I tried to get my Bunny suit back on and looking good, but suddenly one of my boobs was struggling to stay in, probably because I was a bit flushed due to the two orgasms he gave me, but we wouldn’t let Rich get dressed so he sat there buck naked while we talked, looking at him and each of us touching him every now and then saying that us girls put up with being ogled all the time, so this one time he should just sit there and put up with it.
I don’t think he minded.
But it was funny talking about how it would be the last time we had sex as I thanked both of them and played with his dick at the same time. While I would miss our dates, I also knew I had a male friend who loved me for being me. Plus his girlfriend was my BFF and had my back all the way. They offered me the spare room again, but I wanted to go home, so both of them helping me put my boobs away, I ordered a cab and rode home, wondering if the driver could tell I just got laid and wishing now I had worn a coat.
On Sunday I had a lazy morning, not really doing much but determined to do something that would be good for me, so a quick search on YouTube and I found a beginners yoga video, got put on some exercise clothes and got to it. Here’s a question for you, why is stretching and holding the pose so much hard work?
Anyway, I quite enjoyed it, and was trying to work out if I should reward myself with something healthy but still tasty, or a glass of wine. The decisions we girls have to make. While I was wondering what was the easiest option; open up a bottle and pour myself a glass or start prepping a smoothie, the buzzer went and guessing it was Steph I hit the button to open the main door, unlocked my front door and went back to put the kettle on instead. I heard the door open behind me and turned around My jaw hit the floor.
It was my ex.
She looked at me, clearly wondering who I was for a second, then I saw the recognition cross her face. And here I am, standing here in my leggings and matching sports bra which used to belong to her, I just smiled and said, “Hi”.
She walked in and said, “Well, you look good.”
I offered her a cup of tea and we exchanged pleasantries, funnily enough both avoiding the elephants in the room; why I looked the way I did and where she had been. Once we were both seated, I said to her, “You go first.”
And she told me all about her travels, how she had started to disassociate from our relationship as she began to find what she wanted to do with her life. She had a few partners during her time, finding out that she was bi, which wasn’t a surprise to me to be honest, I knew she slept with at least one girl at university but tried to keep it quiet. But now she was back for a couple of months to see family before heading back to Australia. Turns out she is now dating an Aussie guy, and they want to see if they can make a future together when not travelling.
I was ok with it, I had no reason to worry about what her future plans are, but she did apologise for not being more honest with me and felt guilty for not telling me after a couple of months that we were over. I could see the pain on her face, and when I told her it was fine, and that is true, I think I always knew it was over once she went and I stayed behind. She was unlikely to be the same person when she returned and I pointed out, ‘It’s not like I haven’t changed either’.
She looked at me and we both started to laugh, and I told her all about what I’ve been up to, the slow change in the early days, how I became more public about being Becca and then what happened at work. “Also, you’re not the only one who’s been with a couple of guys”.
She looked at me and said, “Ok girlfriend, I want all the details!”
So I told her everything, about how Rich was on loan, the awful blow job in the car, explained about my boobs (which she wanted to see, telling me they were slightly larger than she remembered), my medical condition, and finally about Luke. I showed her the photos on my phone and got a new follower on insta, told her about my trip to work and what my supervisor said.
She looked furious now, and said, “Right, lets find you something fabulous to wear to work. If you haven’t thrown it away, and looking at what you’re wearing now I think you haven’t, but I know what you should wear.” And she dragged to the bedroom and started searching through the wardrobe, commenting on anything new I had that she liked, finding the outfit for my next day.
She stayed for something to eat that evening, and we just chatted like we had never talked before, obviously now like two girls. This was nice, we even talked about what we both liked in men, what attracted us to each other, that my mum had told her about my time as Becca while a kid which made her love me even though she never told me about it. But the evening ended with us as friends, reconnecting in a way I never expected and arranging to meet at least once more before she went back to Australia.
In the morning I woke up to a text from her telling me to go get it and prove to the terf that I can be more of a woman than she ever is, and I replied with a big heart back to her, jumping out of bed to get ready. Walking from my car to the office, I truly felt great and when I bumped into Steph on the way in, she linked her arm with mine and we walked to our desks.
It didn’t take long for my supervisor to see me and I could see she was unhappy, even if I did what she wanted and I waited for the call to go and see her in private. But she didn’t call. I did get a text from Luke telling me not only did I look great, but I also played her at her own game, and he was hoping to take the hot girl in a suit out for lunch.
How could I say no?
Back from lunch, there was a note on my desk asking to go to the office managers office, and now I was ready for a fight, making my way over there, arms folded and ready for a fight. I wasn’t breaking the dress code, there was nothing saying I wasn’t allowed to wear high heels or make up, and I was in a suit just like she asked, so I knocked on the door like a girl ready for action, and opened it without waiting for an answer.
“Oh.” I said.
I wasn’t expecting to see the CEO sitting in front of the office managers desk, chatting to him about me I guess. He stood up, held out his hand and said, “Becca, I am so pleased to meet you, I’ve only heard great things about you. Please take a seat.”
OK, this isn’t what I expected. Both of them are smiling at me as I sit down, feeling caught off guard. They both start speaking at once making it really hard to follow what they are saying, but I heard both say ‘sorry’ at least twice. The CEO tells the office manager to speak to first, and it seems he had a lot of complaints about my supervisors behaviour towards me and she is being replaced while she has been sent for more inclusivity training with the option to resign if she can’t live up to the companies values. They didn’t tell me if her behaviour led to disciplinary action, that wouldn't be fair to anyone, but they expect her to treat everyone fairly.
And then they offered me her role in the meantime on a trial basis. I was completely dumbstruck, and struggled to put two words together that made sense, making the CEO laugh and tell me I had a week to decide if I wanted it.
Then he said, “Here’s an important question, what name should we use on the new contract? There’s no record of a name change in your file.”
I told them I have only just started the official process and not got round to it yet, and he took out his phone, made a call and asked someone to come down to see us. He was offering one of the companies lawyers to do the paperwork to get it all started today at no charge, as an apology for what happened, but also as he really wanted me to know that he is an ally.
I was shocked, and a hour later went back to my desk and just sat there quietly. Steph was a bit worried as I didn’t want to talk about it too much just yet, I needed to process everything. Finally, I asked her to go to the toilet so we could talked, and once I told her she squealed in delight, hugging me and saying she wanted to be the first person to give an official hello to Becca. Of course her squeal brought a couple of the other girls in and I told them, and we had a funny little celebration in the there before going back to my desk. I got another text from Luke asking me if everything was ok, and I told him. It felt like ten seconds after hitting send, he was at my desk and gaving me a hug. Steph of course mimed a blow job behind his back.
And then he broke my heart. “I need to go away for a couple of days tomorrow for work, but we will celebrate on Friday. Deal?”
I nodded, and he gave me a quick kiss on the lips. In the office. In front of everyone. And I just agreed to a date with him in front of everyone. My face felt like it was on fire, and I looked to Steph who said, “You need a killer dress for Friday.”
The next day I was me at work, all Becca and no one gave me a second look, well, they did according to Steph, but not because I was now officially a woman who was desperately trying to get all my records updated, but because she said I looked not only great, I looked happy. Even seeing Jamie at work didn’t upset me, but I was with the girls and they all went quiet when he walked past us, turning back to look me and we all burst out laughing.
There’s no better revenge on a man who did the dirty on you, than all your girlfriends laughing at him.
After work I went shopping with Steph, looking for not just the dress, but also the shoes, I knew I wanted to look amazing for Luke, but also I wanted to feel great for me. Of course we were texting and speaking to each other all week, I just wanted him to know everything I was doing, including accepting the new job. I can always say I don't want it anymore at the end of trial period, but one thing I did say is that I wouldn’t take the office, preferring to work on the floor with those on my team. It felt a lot fairer on everyone.
And that allowed me to keep my mind on my Friday night date, my first official date with Luke. He had booked a table at a really fancy restaurant, but then on the day told me that his train didn’t get back until just before we’re due to arrive. When I told Steph, a big smile came over her face and she told me to tell him to meet me there, and I remembered what I would be wearing and I had to agree with it.
Arriving at the restaurant, I felt great walking in being led to the table, taking my seat and ordering a glass of wine while I waited, Luke did text to say a taxi was taking him home to drop of his bags and should be with me in ten minutes. I saw the cab pull up outside and got myself ready, posing for him the moment he walked through the door, adjusting my dress and looking across at the door.
Luke walked in, looked around and when he saw me, well, I could tell he liked what he saw.
I think he’s a keeper.
The End.