The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3004 by Angharad Copyright© 2016 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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“What’s up with Lionel Messi?” asked Julie having heard the stamping up the stairs and door slamming.

“Who?” I asked showing my ignorance.

“I thought you read the newspapers?”

“I do when I can wrest them away from Gramps.”

She sniggered, “He’s a world famous soccer player from Argentina.”

“Oh—never heard of him.”

“Figures,” she said dismissively, “What’s Danni got a bee up her fanny about this time?”

She has such a delicate turn of phrase, as finely nuanced as builder’s cleavage. “She’s got a boyfriend and I just reminded her she was only fourteen.”

“Done with your usual tact?”

“Of course.”

“Want me to talk with her?”

“It might reduce the risk of her murdering me in my bed.”

“That good, was it?”

I shrugged and she pushed past me and went up the stairs. I went back to what I was doing—thinking about dormice—I do it a lot in case you didn’t know. I doubt they think too much about me, hairy tailed ingrates.

Lunch was sounded, well the gong was and Julie and Danni came to the table together. David had done a really nice salmon in mayonnaise with jacket potatoes. It suddenly occurred to me that Julie was home—I’m quick like that—she usually works on a Monday.

“What are you doing home?” I asked her with my customary charm.

“I live here, remember you dragged me in here while I was suffering from hypothermia?”

“I remember it very well, but you usually work on Mondays.”

“I worked this morning, it was quiet and I’d got the books up to date so I took the afternoon off. Might go for a walk this afternoon. Why aren’t you in work?”

“Took the day off, just as well with the circus earlier.” I described what happened after they’d gone to work with Trish and Danni emphasising their importance and cleverness.

“So ‘Soccer girl’ is good at capturing drones,” she said in a voice laden with sarcasm.

“Only ’cos I told her what to do,” piped you know who.

“I’ll come for a walk with you,” offered Soccer girl to her larger sibling.

“Haven’t decided where I’ll go yet, might just sit in the garden.”

“I think it’s supposed to rain later.”

“Bloody typical, I have a day off and it pees down.”

“Don’t take it too personally, it’s happening to me as well, you know.”

“That’s probably why then.”

“What is?” asked the brain.

“Why it’s gonna rain.”

“That doesn’t make sense, meteorologically speaking,” she retorted.

“Just ’cos I can’t tell my cumulus from my nimbus doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two, Missy. It’s her fault,” she pointed at me, “All her agnosticism and declaring god dead or whatever. Now he’s punishing her and we’re getting caught in the crossfire.”

“That makes less sense than your meteorology,” stated Trish, “To start with you’re using a premise which hasn’t yet been ascertained or verified let alone authenticated...”

“Oh shut up, wittering on like Doctor Watson.”

“Without Watson, Holmes would have been nothing...”

“Have you got to argue about everything?”

“No. I haven’t got to, sometimes I choose to do it because it’s such good fun...”

“This is doing my head in,” said the older sibling and she rose from the table and went out of the kitchen.

Trish giggled and she and Livvie and Hannah high fived. I didn’t want to know what that was all about.

“They always like this?” asked David clearing up the plates.

“Only when they’re awake,” I shrugged. The girls had left the table so David and I cleared the dirties off and loaded the washer.

“The carping and teasing would drive me mad.”

“You think you’re unique? Sometimes I consider that I only go to work for a bit of peace not to save the planet from the destruction by mankind.”

He snorted. “I know they do it most days but it seemed worse today.”

“That’s because Julie is home and Simon isn’t.”

“They respect their dad then?”

“He’s got the advantage of being the payer of pocket money, if they annoy him he reduces it.”

“And you, don’t you have some deterrent like pocket money?”

“Yes, the ultimate deterrent, I confiscate their phones and tablets for a day or a week or even longer. Brings them round very quickly.”

“I don’t understand how kids today need to have something either stuck to their ear or they’re texting or doing some other bloody thing on their phones instead of talking to their friends. I’ll bet they go home and talk to them on the phone or online or faceache or whatever they call it, titter, is it?”

“Twitter as used by twats.”

“That’s the one, twatter.” I didn’t know if he was being ironic or not so I said nothing but continued loading the washer.

As soon as the table was cleared I decamped to my study and felt like shutting the door and withdrawing from the rest of the world, well the children, but my conscience wouldn’t let me. I’m thinking of having it removed, it causes me too much trouble at times. As I was cogitating, it’s a bit like thinking but without any activity between synapses, the door was knocked and in strolled Julie.

“I’ve had a little chat with her.”

“Thank you.”

“It took me a while to remove the footprints of your size nines.”

“Sixes, stick to the facts, Julie.”

“Whatever—anyway she’s mortified that you think she’s having sex with wossisface.”

“John—and I didn’t accuse her of anything.”

“That wasn’t how she heard it.”

“Anything else?”

“She was horrified that you were going to give her some johnnies.”

I had to think for a moment what she was on about, “Do they still call them that?”

“What? Rubbers?”

“Condoms, yes.”

“French letters, don’t they have about a hundred names?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“But you offered to give her some condoms?”

“Yes.”

“Jeezuz, Mother, what were you thinking of? She’s fourteen for god’s sake.”

“Quite.”

She started to laugh and shook her head, “You cunning old cat, you.”

“It worked didn’t it?”

She nodded. “Good old reverse psychology.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“What if it had gone wrong and she’d called your bluff?”

“She still could, but I like to think I know you all reasonably well and if I suggested she might give way in a moment of passion...”

“She’d do her damnedest not to.” She shook her head. “D’you creep into my head at times as well?”

“Julie, I work with young adults all the time and it isn’t that long ago I used to be one myself.”

“But I thought you were Snow White incarnate?”

“I used to read my mother’s racy love stories, see if I could learn something about a part of the world that seemed to have excluded me. Perhaps the education I got from them was better than I realised.”

“You psychoanalyse us using Mills and Boon?”

I felt myself blushing, “Er have a heart, darling, even I had some standards.”