Chapter 7 – Thank you for being a friend

When I woke the next morning I realised I had a lot of things to do – things I had sat aside while attending to my presentation as Sally. I needed to do a grocery shop for one thing, as well as vacuum and dust the house and there was the small matter of finding myself some meaningful work to pay my expenses! I DID have an exhibition stand to furnish in a few weeks but I really needed to find something in the interim and it would involve me taking the initiative and seeking out the work.

I poured myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast and picked up my phone to check my mail and messages. As I held it in my hand I saw my finger nails. For a moment they didn’t register as being any cause for concern but slowly it struck me that I was presenting as Angus today and the deep crimson varnish I had on would need to come off before I set foot out of the house. I decided I would leave them until after breakfast as I had grown fond of the way they looked.

I did housework first, cheering myself up by singing Queen’s “I Want To Break Free” and imagining myself as Freddy Mercury’s housewife character from the video. I laughed as I pushed the vacuum around to the song in my head and then berated myself for playing up to a les than flattering stereotype of transgender people. Neither Jo nor Kelly nor any of the regulars in The Basement Bar looked as outlandish as the members of Queen did in their video. They were far more convincing and natural. I told myself that Queen were just hamming it up for a laugh and nobody took it seriously so why should I. Somewhere within me, though, I felt the sting of unearned ridicule for “my” kind.

Eventually I reached for the acetate cleaning fluid I used in my work and used it to remove my nail varnish. I sighed as it became just a stain on the tissue paper and wondered when I would be able to paint them again. “Not today” I told myself as I grabbed my bags and shopping list and headed to the supermarket.

While wandering round the aisles looking for the bargain buys and long life items I could store in my cupboards I took out my mobile phone and sent my sister a text. “When RU back home? Mum asking 4U! Hope wx has been kind & UR having a GR8 time! Luv A” Out in the wilds of the Scottish Highlands I knew she may not get great reception and I didn’t expect a response so I popped the phone back in my pocket and completed the job in hand.

A few moments later however my phone buzzed and I found a reply from Susan. “Having a GR8 time. Back 2moro AM so can visit Mum pm. Will Call U 2moro. Xx” I smiled at the phone. I was now free to visit Mum as myself again – Susan would be visiting in person tomorrow and we could return to our regular night about schedule.

Then it hit me. These past few nights I have enjoyed the company of the crowd at the Basement Bar and most significantly the company of Kelly. Now I would have no reason to dress as Sally any more, and I would not have access to Susan’s make up or perfume to complete my look. For a few moments I stood in the bread aisle thinking about that fact and how it made me feel. I made a decision and pushed my trolley back towards the toiletries section.

I didn’t care if I got funny looks from the other shoppers. I wanted some items I could call my own and so I went to the cosmetics display and grabbed 2 different lipsticks, some foundation, a powder compact, some mascara, eyeliner and three different nail varnish colours, along with a bottle of remover. Then I bought some wet wipes from the babies section since they were very good at removing makeup. I took a moment to evaluate the perfumes that were on offer. I didn’t want Susan’s fragrance – I wanted my own. One I was comfortable with so that I was my own person. Then I grabbed a bottle of hair remover so I could keep myself smooth skinned.

I walked over into female clothing and grabbed a pack of panties and some tights before heading for the check outs. I felt excited and nervous at the same time. I was buying my own make up at last – but was I being stupid? Did I really want this stuff and would I ever need to wear it, now that my sister was around? Memories of how I felt the night before, sitting with Kelly as Sally made me smile. I headed for the self check out section to avoid the staff seeing what I had bought and scanned and bagged my selection of items before taking my purchases back home.

I prepared myself a light lunch and pondered what I would do about my new make up kit. Would I simply fanaticise over it or would I put it into regular use over the coming weeks. I felt torn over the direction my future would take. The uncertainty was quite exciting for someone who had been in a rut for many years. I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and I knew exactly who I needed to call. I picked up my phone and dialled.

“Hi Sally! To what do I owe this pleasure?”
I smiled and in my softer voice I replied “Hey Kelly, how are you?”
“Oh, just chilling – what about you? Any work calls ?”
I sighed. “No, quiet as ever. Maybe I’ll retire early like yourself!”
“I can recommend it, babe, it leaves you free for new adventures!”
I laughed. “Well it’s about my adventures that I’m calling. Are you free tomorrow night? I want to take you for dinner to thank you for everything.”
“I told you last night I would only go if I can pay a share!”
“No, Kelly, this one’s all on me – but I will let you return the honour another time – how’s that?”
There was a muffled growl from the other end of the conversation.
“And if it sweetens the deal, you can tell me where you’d like to go – locally or in the City Centre, it’s your call!”

There was a pause and she replied “I love Italian. I’ll let you take me to Zizzi’s along the road. They do the most wonderful langoustine linguini!” I laughed. “You’re a girl after my own heart ! I eat there quite often – they do wonderful pork balls in garlic!”
Kelly chuckled and said “No comment!” Then she continued “Will I see you tonight, after visiting hour?”

I didn’t know how to respond but I knew I wanted to see Kelly and spend time with her. “I . . . I should be around, yea. Look, I’ll try and book us a table for 7.30 tomorrow and we can meet in the Basement at 7 for a pre dinner cocktail, how does that sound?” She laughed. “Jo’s not great at making Margarita’s – her idea of a cocktail is a little umbrella in a pint of Guinness! But a night out with you sounds lovely to me, Sally!”

I smiled and said I would confirm arrangements by text and we ended the call. Then I called the restaurant and reserved a table for two for 7.30pm in the name of Aird. When the girl at the restaurant replied “OK, that’s your table booked madam, we’ll see you tomorrow!” I realised that I was adopting a feminine persona almost automatically now and where before I might have felt embarrassed or angry at someone calling me madam, I now found it . . . well, lets just say less concerning and in some ways more of a complement.

I spent the afternoon working. I updated my website with some different images and a message less about the retail sector but more towards the exhibition, conference set up displays I could offer and I added a page about revamping an existing office reception décor with the headline “See your world through fresh eyes” and I smiled. In the past week I had done just that and I wondered if I would ever be the same again.

I heated up a ready meal I had bought at the supermarket and washed up the dishes. Checking the watch I had plenty of time before I needed to walk along to Niaroo Care Home for visiting hour. I hadn’t appreciated how easy it was for Angus to simply put on a jacket and walk out the door while Sally would have to spend a good hour getting dressed, make up on and presentable to make the same journey. I gave a little chuckle. Maybe being male has its advantages after all !

I left the house and strolled down the pavements. I started with a small paced gait that I quickly recognised as Sally’s walk in heels, and I tried to extend the pace length and point my feet outward rather than the straight toed steps I had become used to making. I marvelled at how quickly I had moved like a woman and even now I was acutely sensitive to the sounds of people behind me and at maintaining a good body posture. I would need to un-learn the techniques I had adopted if I was to return to my normal self.

At reception Moira greeted me with a smile. “Good evening, Angus! Giving Susan a night off are we?” I smiled and nodded. “Mother was convinced her son deserved to make an appearance every now and then!” She pushed the form and pen towards me and I signed my name as she said “Well, you can head down to her room – she’s all ready for you!”

15 seconds later I knocked my mum’s door and stepped into the room. “Hi Mum, its only me!” I called out and walked in, closing the door behind me. “Angus?” she said a little shakily as she peered over her glasses to see me better. “That’s me, so how are you today, Mum? I haven’t seen you for a couple of days!” I responded and leaned in to give her a little kiss of greeting. “Look!” she said and turned towards a bouquet of flowers in the bay window. I smiled and said “Those are lovely? Have you got a new admirer, Mum?” She frowned at me and said “Susan!” and I smiled. “Ah Susan gave you them? They’re nice! I guess it will be my turn to replace them when they’re done!”

I sat and talked at her for the next 58 minutes. She wasn’t really capable of giving me any of her news and being in a care home, there would be little news of interest but every now and then she would make a single word comment on something I had talked about. I mentioned some fictitious work I had done for shops in the city, mentioned the headlines on the news bulletins that I could remember seeing on my phone and talked about old times when I was younger and the things we had done that she might remember. She didn’t seem to get a great deal of joy from what I was saying so I was relieved when the hour was over and I told her Susan would be visiting the next day. For the first time that evening, she smiled.

I walked back to reception, signed out and began the walk back in the direction of home. However, I had an appointment to keep and I was nervous. I was a friend returning in a guise they did not know – ironic really when the person they DO know was herself a disguise. Somehow though, I was more confident tonight than I had been my first night as Sally. This time I was me. I was someone I knew and could present without any pretence. I walked across the road to the Basement Bar and pushed open the door.

There were the usual faces in tonight and I had a quick scan for Kelly and couldn’t see her so instead I walked up to the bar. “Hi Jo, just the usual please” I said as I reached into my pocket for the money to pay. Jo however just stood and frowned. “Sorry, do I know you?” she asked and I began to laugh. “Sorry, it’s a pint of lager please. I’m not myself tonight” I said with a smile and added “Is Kelly not in yet?”

At that comment, the penny dropped and she nearly dropped the pint glass she was filling. She stared at me. “You must be . . . “ “Angus, yes” I said, finishing her sentence “or Sally without the makeup and clothing.” Jo handed me the pint and said “She must be in the ladies. £4.25 love.” I handed over £5 and glanced round to see a pint glass sitting unattended at our usual table. “I’ll go wait for her” I said as I walked away from the bar, feeling Jo’s eyes burning into the back of my skull.

I had barely sat down when Kelly emerged from the toilets and did a double take as she saw my smiling face at her table. “Hello stranger” she said as she walked over and I leaned towards her and gave her a kiss. “Hello Kelly. You’re looking lovely as always.” She remained straight faced as she replied “And you look like a stranger I’ve never met before! I don’t know how to react!” I reached for her hand and held it in mine. “I’m still here, its just that I was visiting mum tonight as Angus. She still knows she has a son as well as a daughter.”

I took a large gulp of my beer to steady my nerves and to give Kelly some time to digest what she was seeing in front of her. I knew it would be a shock for her to see me this way but I felt it was important for our relationship that she saw me beneath the feminine exterior I had worn in the past week. “Did you get my text message about tomorrow night?” I asked and she nodded. “Thanks, yes. Who am I dining with tomorrow – Sally or Angus?”

I smiled and squeezed her hand. I’ve been thinking about that, Kelly, and given that the meal is a thank you for saving Sally from an attacker, its only right that Sally thanks you in person tomorrow night.” I could see Kelly’s face brighten and she nodded in appreciation. “Thank you. I . . I need a little time to get to know Angus and I think I would appreciate the chance to chat to Sally tomorrow and let her introduce him to me – you know, reassure me that he’s as sweet as she is!”

I smiled and said “Of course, Kelly, I’m sure she’ll be happy to help bridge that divide for you.” We sat in silence for a moment, clearly uncomfortable with the change in our relationship. When I asked if I could get her another drink Kelly shook her head. “I can’t stay long tonight, I’m expecting a call later from my cousin in Australia so I had better be heading off.” She rose from her seat and I did the same. “So, here at 7pm tomorrow night, yea?” I said as I went to kiss her goodbye. She managed to evade me, pulling on a jacket so that my kiss did not connect. “Em . . yea, . . . 7 o’clock. Nice to meet you Angus” she said as she waved to Jo and walked out of the bar.

Heads turned in the bar and the regulars who had greeted me warmly the night before looked at me now with suspicion and concern. What had I done to drive Kelly away so swiftly – and who was I anyway? I could tell that I stood out from the regular clientele – a straight male sitting alone with a beer – so I downed the rest of the glass swiftly and got back to my feet. “G’night Jo, see you tomorrow” I said and she waved me to come closer to the bar. When I was up against it she leaned over and whispered to me “She’ll need time, Sally. She’s been hurt by men before. Just be patient, yea?” I nodded and said “Thanks, Jo. G’night” and headed out of the bar and onto the pavement again.

Walking back to the flat my head spun with the implications from tonight’s brief encounter. My relationship with Kelly had been completely changed by appearing as Angus and I was scared that she was really in love with Sally. Could I be Sally for her without losing myself as Angus? Could I accept a female future if it would give me Kelly in return – or could I build a whole new relationship with her as Angus and win her heart anew? A week ago I had never met her but in the melee of the past few days I had come to realise she was just the sort of partner I wanted in my life – attractive, intelligent, caring, and entertaining to be with and the best part of it was she seemed just as smitten with me . . . only me as Sally, in makeup dress and high heels.

It was ironic that I had finally found someone who loved "me" when I wasn’t "me" at all !