It wasn’t the sort of world spanning disaster portrayed in movies, it wasn’t even the sort of disaster you might find in many smaller stories. No, it was just a personal apocalypse. Just the sort of thing that rips out your very soul and makes you feel like someone has stomped you into hamburger on some sidewalk somewhere. The death of a dream.
There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it, to make it better, so I whistled and hummed a tune to myself as I packed up boxes and gathered items for disposal or storage. Somehow, the tune that was stuck in my head seemed to fit.
I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind
Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind, ohh
Now, don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
The wind
It was just me, crying over losing almost everything I had ever held dear, my business, the thing I had put 10 years worth of blood, sweat and tears into. Nothing important.
No, the only important thing I had left was the man I loved, the man who would deny me my soul, the thing I wanted most in life, my very identity. The sad truth was that I loved him enough to give that up, to forever be the clumsy, stupid geeky boy I hated to see in the mirror.
And now I had no other choice. I would have to resign myself to a life of working for others in menial jobs, of never being who I wanted so desperately to be.
There was one remaining thing which kept me from just killing myself, though, and that was the fact that I was truly and deeply in love with the man who denied me everything.
How do you resolve such a conflict?
Comments
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Giving up everything for love sounds very romantic; does the romanticness make it right?
The end of the story gave me a bad feeling. "The man who denied me everything" Who gave him the right to rule over you? Did you give it to him? Do you think he loves you? Oh! you know he doesn't. If he hurts you more, do you love him more? That sounds kind of disturbed. Maybe you hate yourself and think that you don't deserve love from anybody. You don't deserve to fix your life to end your gender dysphoria and have some happiness.
If I were you, I would certainly try to talk with somebody understanding. A TS support group, a councilor, a therapist, a religious leader (trans-friendly, of course), even a psychiatrist (if you can find one who will talk rather than just dispense drugs). It sounds like you are the one condemning yourself to a horrible life. Your one sided love is certainly not good for you. You should really try not to become dependent on those who do not have your best interests at heart. You live for some man who will not help you. One can live her life in partnership with another, but one is advised not to live her life for another to the harm of oneself.
You are the one who you'll always be stuck with. This "man", he could be hit by a truck tomorrow or meet the love of his life and fly away with er. You can't control anyone but yourself. Giving up your dreams is not going to keep this guy with you. If you are ruined as a person and are certain that the future is terrible, why would anyone want to stay with you?
I find myself lecturing a story as if it were a real person. Bad Renee. Authors have pointed this out to me (many times). Theide, good work. You obviously pushed some of my buttons!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
A friend told me
we can't fly, there are things in life we just can't change.I never agreed with her realism. I don't aspire to defeat. You come to that wall you can't climb over. Paint it, turn it into a mural. No wall goes on forever. And if you paint every wall you come to eventually you make such a wonderful place, a beautiful world that others will want to come in too.
If the story is reality then the loss of a dream is a tradgedy but you only live once and in the big picture not being that girl you need to be is a premature death.
Take the risk.
Turn all walls in your life into a cocoon.
I'd love to see that butterfly soul fly.
Bailey Summers