by Barbara Lynn Terry

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She left the house and walked the fourteen blocks to the school, cutting through the park to save time. She clutched her books to her chest as she walked, and kept looking at the ground. She was sad, and that was for a lot of reasons. She walked to the school. She stopped and waited for the first bell to ring.

When the bell rang, she made sure she was the last one through the door. She could hear whispers about her from the other students around her, but she didn't care. They wouldn't understand anyway. Mother certainly didn't. She put what books she didn't need in her locker, and took the ones she would for the first three periods. As she walked in the classroom, she saw briefly the teacher looking at her. She didn't say anything, and went straight to her desk.

The teacher started the lesson, but kept an eye on what she thought was a depressed teen. Well maybe Kiran was depressed and maybe she was just sad. See Kiran is a physical male, and when she got her class schedule it actually said Kira Spelling. Kiran didn't say anything, and waited for the school to correct the mistake. But Kiran hoped they would never find it, and if they did would not correct it.

Kiran listened intently to the teacher, taking notes, and reading what was on the blackboard. She even frowned a few times from what the teacher had said, but still she listened. When the bell rang for the end of class, Kiran grabbed her books, clutched them her chest, and then got up from her desk to leave.

"Ehem, young lady." Kiran looked at her but she just kept walking to her next class. When she got to her English class, she sat down, sliding her books on the desk as she did so. As with her algebra class, she paid close attention to the teacher, and took notes, as well as wrote down in her notebook what was on the blackboard. When the bell rang, and she was passing the teacher's desk, the teacher said, I need a word, young lady, but Kiran just said she would be late for her next class, and left for world geography.

The same thing happened at the end of world geography, but Kiran said she felt sick to her tummy. Kiran walked out of the room, and went straight to the nearest girls lavatory. She sat in a booth for about five minutes, just thinking, and then went to the cafeteria. As she got her tray, and found an empty table, she sat down to enjoy her lunch by herself. Four girls from her class came over, and asked if they could join her. Kiran just motioned that it was alright for them to sit down.

"Hey Kira, I'm Darlene, and this is Jessica, Marla, and Josie. Listen girlfriend, we are just a little conerned about you. You have been moping around here for two days now, and we want to know how come. I mean, if it is because you're new here, we will be your friends. We all talked it over."

Kiran looked at the group and tears started forming. She said that it would be nice to have friends, but that she can't have any friends, because nobody would understand her, and would probably want to beat her up or worse. Kiran finished her yogurt, and started to get up to leave. Darlene put her hand on Kiran's, and asked her to sit back down, because they needed to talk.

"What do you mean, nobody would understand you, and would probably want to beat you up or worse? We also noticed too that you have a locker in gym class that is two rows over from the rest of us. Why are you so sad? Okay listen, we four are not a clique, but we are best friends, and people call us lesbians, because we stick together all the time. What we want to know is this. Did somebody in class do anything to you to make you sad and a loner?" Kiran shook her head. "Then why so gloomy? Listen girlfriend, we are not leaving you alone until you tell us what is going on in that head of yours. I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to need all the friends you can get.

"I can't be friends with anyone," Kiran said starting to really pour on the tears. "Nobody would understand."

"There ya go again Kira," Jessica said with a pained expression. "What is so terrible that you are afraid to tell us. Are you gay?" Kiran shook her head. "Are you bi-sexual?" Kiran shook her head." Are you a lesbian?" Kiran shook her head. "Okay then, are you transgendered?" Kiran looked at the group through her tears and just nodded. "Now see, that wasn't so bad was it? Here girlfriend, wipe those tears away. You just made four friends, who don't care if you are the man in the moon, as long as you are decent. Do you have to go right home after school?"

"Not if I call my mother, and tell her where I am and give her the phone number."

"Good, because after school, we are going over to my house, and we are going to sit down and talk. But if you're physically a male, why is your name Kira, and why are you in girls gym?"

"My name is actually Kiran...K I R A N...when I got my class schedule I noticed it said Kira Spelling instead of Kiran. I wasn't going to say anything because I like being called Kira, and that is another reason why I am in girls gym. And since it is the last class of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I take my bath when I get home. My mother yells at me everytime I use her perfumed soap when I take my bath in the morning before school. She won't let me come to school dressed like I should be, because she says boys just don't wear dresses or skirts."

"Okay that explains what we want to know about girls gym, and we won't say anything," Josie added placing a hand on Kiran's shoulder. "We're not going to say anything, to anybody. A person has a right to be who they are. So tonight will you come with us over to Jessica's?"

"Yes."

The bell rang, and the five girls walked to their next class. These five were in the same classes, so it was nothing to always stay in the same group. Since it was only the second day of school, students could change their desk arrangement with the teacher's permission. The afternoon teachers allowed Kiran to change her desk arrangement so that all five girls were sitting around each other. Darlene sat in front of Kiran, Jessica sat behind her, and Marla sat next to Darlene, and Josie sat next to Kiran. Then Kiran's ears perked up when she heard the teacher call the student's name just before hers and then her own.

"Kira Spelling?"

"Here."

"Today students I want you to do the exercises at the end of chapter one. But read the chapter first, so you know what you are doing. Darlene no whispering, please. Everybody do their assignments, and hand them in at the end of class." She sat down and everybody got busy with the assignment.

Anyway, this is my first year in high school. People have mistaken me for a girl since I was five years old, but I never said I wasn't. My hair was allowed to grow long, and I am not a tall person, being about the same height as the girls. My voice hasn't broken yet, so it is still high like a girl's, and my walk is certainly feminine. All I need now is for mother to say I can start dressing like the girl I am in my soul, but she always says boys don't wear dresses or skirts. When I go with the girls over to Jessica's maybe they have an idea as to how I can change mother's mind.

The last bell rang for the end of the school day. We all gathered our books and went to our lockers. We got what books we needed for homewoek and started walking out. A group of boys standing by the entrance smoking, looked at us, and one of them said there is a new lezzy in school. We just ignored them and kept walking. They started following us and making rude comments like all we needed was a real man to show us what we've been missing.

As we turned to go toward Jessica's house the boys left us. We got to Jessica's house, and she introduced me to her mother. Her mother greeted me with such an infectious smile and sharp, clear, ocean blue eyes. We went up to Jessica's room, and she closed the door.

"All right now, we need to talk about why you think nobody will understand you. We are not experts, but I am sure if you tell us how you feel about being a girl, and how you feel about being a guy, maybe we can see what you are feeling. But girlfriend, we would like to know."

"Let me start when I was five year sold. I was at a party of a girl friend that was in my kindergarten class. She was always trying to pull something. She asked me if I wanted to go to her party, and I said yes. I thought it was a joke, because Marissa was like that. So anyway, when Marissa's mother came to pick me up, imagine my surprise.

"When we got to her house, she asked her mother if we could go to her room, since the other kids weren't there yet. Her mother said yes, 'you girls have fun' and that she would call us when the other's started to arrive.

"While we were in her room, she told me I couldn't go to her party dressed like a slob, because I had my jeans and white tee shirt on, and my runners. She went in her closet and pulled out a very beautful dress. She said to get out of my clothes, and put on the dress. She also gave me a slip to wear under it. Then after I had the dress on, she gave me a pair of her panties, a pair of white ankle socks with a pink border at the top, and her pair of black Mary Jane's.

"After she had brushed out my hair a little, her mother called up to say the other kids were coming, and she should come down to meet them. We both went downstairs, and when her mother saw me, she said I looked very pretty, and that I should have worn my own dress. Her mother thought I was a girl. I..."

"That is logical seeing as how you look, talk, walk, eat, and act like a girl." Josie was right of course. "Then what happened?"

"Well we were having so much fun, and being kids we just kept playing until our parents came to get us. I could have died when my mother saw me in Marissa's dress, but she didn't say anything at Marissa's. She waited until we got home, and everybody in the house was told to come down to the dining room. When everybody got there, my father being the last, my mother looked at him and pointed to me. Then she said 'look at our youngest son, he's dressed like a girl'. My father shrugged his shoulders and asked me why I was wearing a dress. I explained it to him, and then he got really serious for a moment and then he asked me if I liked wearing 'that dress'. I said matter of factly like any five year old would, yes.

"Then he sat down and asked for opinions. My sister Katie, she was twelve at the time, said it would be wonderful to have a little sister she could teach about clothes, boys, and yes, even parents. My parents didn't like that last one any, and then my father asked my brother what he thought. Danny just said it was cool, and that I looked very pretty. If this is who I want to be, and this is how I wanted to dress, it was up to me, because it was may life.

"Then my mother spoke up, and she said, 'it most certainly is not his life. He is too young to even know what girl feelings are let alone want to be female'. Then she really got angry and asked what was wrong with everybody, or was she the only one who could see that this was wrong.

"Since then, my mom and dad got divorced, and he got custody of my brother and sister, and my mother got custody of me. I still see them though without my mother knowing of course, but she has always condemned me for dressing like a girl. She sent me to psychiatrist, who said it would be more beneficial to allow me to be the girl I need to be than to keep saying 'boys don't wear dresses'. My mother got really mad at the doctor and told him he didn't know what he was talking about.

"Since then I have been dressing in secret as a girl, and not telling anyone because I was afraid they would tell my mother and she would punish me simply for being me."

Jessica spoke up first. "Girlfriend, thank you for being so open. We had no idea that this is what some people need. We always thought that people who have sex changes wanted them so they could just have sex with guys. Since you explained it a little, we can understand that part of it. But why did that girl let you wear one of her outfits?"

"Because everybody, including the teacher thought that I was a girl, and that I was just a tomboy because I was dressed in boy clothes."

"Was your name Kira at that school, too?" Darlene asked looking quite concerned.

"Yes. For some reason, when my mother registered me for school, she did put Kiran down, but I don't think they saw the "N" at the end of my name, or just disregarded it. Whatever the reason, my name on my school records has always been Kira. When I brought my report cards home, mother never looked at the name, only the grades and then signed it, and gave it back to me. So I think she thought that the name on the report card was correct and that is why she never looked at it. When she registered me for middle school, the same thing happened, and now here. I don't mind it though because I feel like Kira and not Kiran."

"Would you like another opinion from somebody who has only seen you for a few seconds?"

"Yes Jessica, I would."

Jessica got up and went to her bedroom door. After she opened it, she called for her mother to come up to her room, because there was something she just had to ask. When her mother got to the room, Jessica asked her mother to take a good look at me, and tell everybody what she saw.

"I see a very pretty girl hiding behind boy clothes. Does your mother let you go to school like that, young lady?"

"Yes, in fact she insists on it."

"Well, I must say, I never heard of such a ridiculous thing in all my life. Why does she insist that you dress like a boy when you go to school?"

"I don't really know, ma'am. I suspect she always wanted a son." I didn't tell her I had a brother.

"Mother," Jessica said with that cat that just ate the canary look. "will it be all right if she can wear some of my clothes to school? I mean, her mother won't let her, and I don't think that it's fair for Kira."

"Yes, I think that would be just fine, Jessica. If you don't mind loaning her a few dresses and skirts for school. She will have to get her own lingerie and stockings though"

"No mother, I don't mind at all."

"Then you have my permission."

"And I think we should help Kira as much as we can, because see, she does have a sister, a brother, and a father, but her parents are divorced, and the father has custody of her sister and brother, while her mother has custody of her. Since her mother refuses to let her dress as the girl she is, can we help her get her own lingerie and stockings? We could keep everything here, and she could change here before we leave for school."

"I don't see why not. But I will have to talk to your father about this. Because any money we spend, he has to know about."

"That's fine, mother." With that Jessica's mother left, closing the door behind her.

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To Be Continued in Chapter Two...