Finally Finding Myself Part 1 (Updated)

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Finally Finding Myself Chapter 1

Jamie always felt like he was a girl. He would dress in his sister's clothes when he was younger, always feeling like he was whole in those precious moments.

However, Jamie would go outside in girl clothes. As he approached his teens his parents soon became worried about what people would think of their son. Jamie's girl time with his sister was stopped abruptly by his parents, and they had a talk with his younger sister about what boys are and are not allowed to do.

Jamie's sister Amy used to be the only person who Jamie could feel like 'her' true self around. However, after the talk with her parents, Amy became sickened by the thought of Jamie wearing her clothes. After Amy's change of heart, Jamie would sneak Amy's clothes into the bathroom and put them on, especially her school uniform, since it made Jamie feel like a normal girl getting ready for a day at school.

After Amy caught Jamie in her uniform in the bathroom once, Jamie was never able to wear clothes in private in the house again. Amy would push on the door to get in the bathroom when Jamie was in there, and when she would see him in her clothes, she would tell their parents. Jamie would get punished, each time with more furious actions from his parents. His mother would scream at the top of her lungs about how it is wrong for him to wear his sister's clothes. At one point, Jamie's father grabbed him roughly by the ear and dragged him out of the room and into his parents' bedroom and had a talk about how it was disgusting for a boy to be wearing his sister's clothes.

After the rough treatment by his father, Jamie no longer wore his sister's clothes, but he did keep some girl things he treasured in a toy construction set box under his bed that no one in his family knew about. Inside, he had a Barbie doll, one of his sister's school uniforms that he no longer dared to wear, and a picture he drew of himself as what he wished he could be: a normal girl.

His home life had gotten better, but his school life had become much worse. He always had feminine mannerisms, and while he tried his best to hide them by mimicking the boys in school, they always seemed to come through. His nickname of Jamie didn't help either. Jamie wasn't actually his real name. His name was Timothy Richard Jameson. Jamie came from his last name, which was a nickname that his grandfather also used. The boys at school would use it as ammunition by saying that Jamie used a girl's name rather than his real name because he really was a girl.

Jamie liked the nickname precisely because it could also be a girl's name, but wouldn't dare tell anyone that. He really did wish that he was a girl, especially when he started Junior High. In grade school, he was constantly teased, and while the teasing hurt his feelings, Jamie was able to pretend to ignore their comments and continue with his day. In Junior High, however, the tormenting turned to violence.

Jamie was beaten every day. Since Jamie had few friends among the boys, when it came time to explain the situation to the principal, Jamie would have no one to back his story up. The bullies would always say Jamie was the one who started it, and since Jamie was among the tallest kids in the school, the principal would believe the stories. It didn't help that Jamie appeared in the principal's office for fighting at least once a week. Jamie would go home with a bloody nose, a black eye, or hurt ribs, while the bullies would have no injuries. It didn't matter to the school though, since Jamie was a known trouble-maker. To them, the lack of injuries on the other boys just meant that Jamie was a poor fighter.

His home was the one place that Jamie could feel safe, but after so many out-of-school suspensions, his home life became tense again. His father began to think that Jamie was out of control and that he had a horrible anger management problem. Amy used this to her advantage when the siblings would get into arguments. She would rub her arm until it turned red to show her father how hard Jamie had hit her. It didn't matter to her father when Jamie would tell him that she hit him. Jamie's dad would tell him that Amy was a girl and that she was weaker than him. Jamie shouldn't hit girls under any circumstances, especially due to how big and strong he was. After Amy cried to her father several more times, the discussions between Jamie and his dad became more serious. His dad would tell Jamie that he thought he had an uncontrollable temper and that he was afraid that Jamie would hurt or kill his sister one day out of anger. Jamie would try to explain that Amy was the one who would throw the punches and that they hurt a lot. But, his dad would point to the fights at school and the marks on his sister after their fights. In Mr. Jameson's mind, this only showed him that Jamie's temper was completely out of control.

His dad had threatened to send him to military school, which was a thought that completely terrified Jamie. He couldn't imagine having to spend the rest of his education at a school full of nothing but big, strong, angry boys. At least he got a few minutes of peace at school during lunch when he would sit at the girl's table. Strangely, the bullies never used that as ammunition against him, probably due to the fact that Jamie went to all the other tables at school and was refused a seat before the girls allowed him to eat with them.

The bullies probably saw it as a last resort, rather than Jamie actually wanting to eat with them rather than the boys. However, Jamie really did want to eat with the girls, as he hated being around the boys. Lunch was the only time in his life that he felt completely comfortable. He didn't have any friends among the girls at the table, as they viewed him as the weird kid. Jamie would often come across as clownish when trying to imitate the boys at school. However, even without any real friendship among these girls, he still felt happy for the forty minutes he was able to eat with them at school. Of course, he would never dare reveal that fact to anybody.

In his second year of Junior High, Jamie had finally become used to his life. His home life became manageable since he avoided any arguments with his sister and just let her have her way. This had the added benefit of keeping his dad off his back. Jamie became a fast runner at school and was able to easily run away from the bullies if any bad situation crept up. Because of this, the fights at school had finally ended as well. Plus, the few minutes of peace at lunch kept his life from feeling completely like hell. He had finally felt like he had found a routine that he could feel comfortable with.

That all changed one day when a boy caught him off guard in the hallway. Jim, who was one of the offensive linemen on the football team, tripped Jamie when he was walking out of the lunchroom. "Watch where you're going, girl." He picked Jamie up, and Jamie put his hands in front of his face as he prepared for the inevitable beating. Jim's football friends now were all around them, and Jamie feared for the worst. Jim pushed Jamie into the girl's bathroom and shouted "that's where you belong!" The boys were laughing and Jamie looked around scared. There was no one in there, but Jamie couldn't go back out with the boys out there. He ran into one of the stalls, pulled his feet up and sat on the toilet in a fetal position, and started crying.

After a while, he heard a voice. "Are you alright in there?" Jamie's heart dropped to his stomach. Now, what was he going to do?

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Comments

KatieD, you have a very nice

KatieD, you have a very nice and interesting beginning to your story. You have broached on a subject that affects far too many TG children, and this physical abuse from their peers and even from their own family members. I am looking forward to reading more of your story as you produce it. Hugs, Jan

Once again we are

faced with the problem, That to be different is a crime, Which unfortunately is something Jamie has already discovered...All it would take is just one person to treat Jamie with understanding and compassion, And maybe just maybe in the last line of this chapter there is some hope for him....I certainly hope so!

Nice first chapter Katie, Hope to read more about Jamie's efforts to be himself, Very soon.

Hugs Kirri

The greatest problem

Jamie has met was the complete lack of trust among the people that surrounded him. And if nobody believes you, you will be having a hard time.

Faraway


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Poor Jamie, hope his luck

Poor Jamie, hope his luck will turn for better soon. Good start for good story.

Finally Finding Myself Part 1

Jamie needs a teacher who will support him.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine