Carlie has sissy predispositions, but overcomes difficulties with love, courage and increasing self-awareness. In this chapter, Sharon's new self-confidence blossoms into intimacy with Carlie.

Carlie

VIII. Self-Confidence and Intimacy

Sharon had a room on campus. After the first grading period, her roommate (who imagined she was Madonna but was nowhere close), left to share a room with a more attractive girl whose roommate had dropped out. Studying there was nicer than the library because I could leave clothes and stuff, and no one shushed us if we got excited, talked loud or giggled.

I thought we were getting along well when one day she said, “Carlie, your the best friend I’ve ever had, but its embarrassing to walk around with you.” I felt stabbed. I teared up and gathered my things to leave. “Why are you upset?”

“Because I thought you were my friend!” I yelled.

“But I just told you you’re my best friend!”

“Then why are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Because I’m a sissy, right?””

“No, silly, because you’re a boy and so much prettier than me.”

“Shar, you’re beautiful, which is much better than pretty.” Shar was tearing up too. I hugged her and apologized for yelling and misunderstanding. “I could help you be prettier if you like.”

“Really? How?”

“Sure. I’ll show you. Put your jacket on. We’ll walk into town and get a few things. My treat.” I didn’t have a lot of money, but it’s always a privilege to help a friend. I got her shampoo, conditioner, setting lotion, facial cleanser, basic make up and curlers at Big Lots.

As we walked back she said she’d never look pretty because of her awful acne. I said, “I had worse acne, but I took tetracycline and birth control pills. They also helped my friend Judy with hers. You should get a prescription from the campus clinic. Besides, you’ll need BC pills when all the boys start chasing you.”

“Oh, Carlie, I don’t want to be with a boy — just you!” She said it without thinking, then blushed. We didn’t say anything the rest of the way back. I hadn’t thought of Shar as a girl, at least not one that might want to be with me.

When we got back to her room, Shar took off her blouse so it wouldn’t get wet when I shampooed her hair. She was a solid C, but her white cotton bra was more like a medical appliance than lingerie. She insisted that since I saw her in her bra, she should see me in mine. No one but mommy had seen me since my date with Jason, but I felt comfortable with her, so I took my top off. I was in a lilac push up with lace-top cups.

I felt very girly doing her hair in my bra. After shampooing and conditioning, I blow dried and set it while she watched in the mirror. “You’re very sexy in your lace bra Carlie.” That made part of me feel very ungirly.

Once I put the last curler in, she pulled me onto her lap and kissed me. Kissing Jason had been nice, but not exciting. Shar kissed with a pent-up urgency that was contagious. At the end of the long kiss, I discovered that my bra was loose, and she was caressing my breast.

“You have beautiful little breasts, Carlie. Are they sensitive like mine?” Before I could answer, she was running the tip of her finger around my left nipple. I grew light headed as it hardened in response to her gentle touch. Shar kissed and nibbled me onto her bed. “I always wondered what that would be like, but I was too shy to kiss anyone’s breasts ... before now. … Do you like it Carlie?”

“It’s wonderful. Would you like see how it feels?”

“Yes, take off my bra.”

Delicious, thoughtless sensations washed over me as her teat brushed my lips. I latched on like a starving baby. As I sucked, Shar began panting and moaning. She barely suppressed a scream by biting her lower lip. My own gasp was muffled by her pillowing breasts.

I wasn’t guilty or embarrassed as I’d been with Jason. Instead, I lay back glorying in what we’d done for each other. Shar smiled down at me with half moon eyes, brushed her breasts across mine and kissed me deeply. “It looks like Carlie had a accident in her panties. I’ll take care of it sweetie.” She pulled off my damp slacks and panties, and cleaned me with a warm cloth. Her ministrations roused me again, but her mind had regained control over her libido. She kissed me and said “No more today, Carlie.”

I couldn’t wear my pants home on the bus, and Shar’s were two sizes too big for me. Looking though her things, she found a spandex panty and a draw string skirt I could wear. I’d not worn a skirt before. As I walked it continually kissed my bare legs. I wondered why girls ever wanted to wear pants. I had to wear skirts more often.

“Now finish my hair, girl!” I brushed and sprayed her curls and used concealer on her acne. She looked in the mirror, obviously pleased. “Oh Carlie, you’re perfect! Not only do you make me feel like a woman, but a pretty one. I love you.” I was still topless, standing behind her chair. She turned and kissed my breast, but broke it off before I could respond.

After that we had sweet treats in her room everyday after lunch. Neither one of us had been so intimate before, so new joys and discoveries continually delighted us. Still, as time went on, I started feeling frustrated. Shar had no interest in making love as a girl and boy, even after weeks on BC pills.

What we did have was good for both of us. Shar’s confidence increased daily. Her acne cleared and she let me put highlights in her hair. Lifting her head and eyes made her walk graceful. I convinced her to let a bit of lace show under her blouse. She became truly beautiful — not like a movie star, but in the way that showed she knew who she was and deserved respect. She even told (not asked) Mr. Jenkins she was switching to premed for the Spring semester. On my side, I came to a new sense of self worth -- realizing that my love could transform those I loved.

Still, part of Shar’s new confidence made me unhappy. Before, I’d had her all to myself. Now she teased the boys, and even chatted up some of the the cuter girls.