Valentines 'R' Blue

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Soundtrack of a broken heart...

Valentines 'R' Blue

by Erin Halfelven

 

No celebration, alone again on Valentine's Day, I took out my best blue gown and lay it on the bed. I used to joke that it was the dress I wanted to be buried in.

I put some Beatles on when I went to take a shower, careful not to get my hair wet since I really no longer had the time to dry and set it. I used the scented body wash I'd bought one day in a fit of indulgence. Its smell made me think of lilies but I loved it.

John and Paul did their magic while I shaved carefully, everwhere. Underarms, legs high up on my thighs, places I usually didn't bother. Then I dried myself off with my best big fluffy towels, enjoying the luxury. I helped Ringo out on the lyric a time or two and stopped moving completely while George bought another piece of guitar heaven for me.

I used the perfumed powders that had come with the bodywash, spicier with a tang of sex and eroticism. The scent made me think of the boxes of clothing left behind when my grandmother died, except for not smelling of mothballs. She'd liked the Beatles, too, I remembered. The old lady had class and I hoped I could make her proud.

I laid out all my best and sexiest lingerie and chose carefully. The black ruffled panties I'd bought in Houston that afternoon before the night Robert had taken me dancing, the subtly padded bra I'd ordered from Victoria's online, the garter belt a friend had given me and the fine hosiery I'd found in the little shop in London but had never worn before. All black.

I dabbed a little of the perfume Jerry gave me in New York behind my ears, in the hollows of my neck, knees and elbows then I put on the underthings, one piece at a time, savoring it and being as sexy as I knew how to be, a reverse striptease just for myself.

More music played while I dressed, a mix of songs I'd loaded especially; sad romantic ballads, classical blues, dance music for vampires. Annie Lennox, Bonnie Tyler, Pat Benatar. I hoped I'd programmed enough. I left LaVerne Baker in her jacket because there is no Jim Dandy.

When I had everything on except an outer layer, I lay on the bed next to the blue gown and cried one last time. I didn't want to ruin my makeup, later. Then I fixed myself a drink, dark, smoky Scotch from the Highlands with less than a dozen drops of bottled spring water. I'd bought the liquor for a special occasion and this one would do. A teenage Leann Rimes sang "Blue" while I finished the first drink and made another.

At the makeup table, I did it all. Eyes drawn large, lips painted red, blushing cheeks and shadowed lids, full mascara and a dusting of the sparkly top powder from the shop on Melrose Place in Los Angeles. It may have been my best job ever, I hoped so.

I got up then and danced to Robert Parker, Randy Newman and Billy Joel, then I put on the highest heels I owned while Dean Martin sang about memories and Patsy Cline went "Walkin' after Midnight." I made myself a third whisky and left out the water this time.

Tina Turner, Leon Redbone and Robert Palmer explained things to me while I picked out jewelry. I brushed my hair to Shocking Blue, Johnny Cash and the B-52s. Then Elvis sang a sad, scratchy waltz, Janis took another little "Piece of My Heart" and I didn't hardly cry at all.

More music, a fourth whisky, I didn't think I'd have time to finish another. I pulled the blue gown over my head and settled it into place. A wide belt and a few more pieces of jewelry then I sprayed some of the perfume into the air and walked through it. I took a ride on the "City of New Orleans" with Arlo Guthrie and stayed in the "Hotel California" courtesy of the Eagles before we all went for a "Run Through the Jungle" with Creedence Clearwater.

I took the player into the bathroom with me and set my drink down on the toilet seat next to the other bottle. Then I made a little nest of pillows and sat on the cold floor tiles with my tattered old plush animals around me. I kissed Pookie Bear on the nose and put him in my lap. I gathered my legs under me, settled my skirts with my feet in their black stilettos just peeking out.

Harry Chapin, Loretta Lynn, and Jim Croce helped me get ready to leave it all behind. Sam and Dave sang "Soul Man," Bonnie Raitt made her decison in the "Nick of Time," then Paul Simon helped me finish "Slip Slidin' Away."

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Comments

Missing?

I kept going back through the story looking for the definitive act, the one we all expect to happen, but I can't find it. Are we to wonder, does she or doesn't she?

Either way, a sad story. Is it the time of year? I've had a couple of friends call or email me, and we all seem to be down and depressed. I hope that you, and all of us, can find the sunlight peeking through the clouds and see a rainbow in the sky. Spring is just around the corner, new life taking bloom, the world turning green and new once again.

A gentle hug to all,
Karen J.

"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you."
Francoise Sagan


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

It's not completely between the lines.

erin's picture

I did write this because it has seemed to me too that many people have been out of sorts lately.

Also, no one posting a Valentine's Day story just seemed ultimately lonely

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Multum in Parvo

A lot of story in a very short space. Just as the 'scenery is better on radio', for the best stories the reader supplies most of it.

This was too almost close to home for home for me.

Been there, done that; but I got a hospital gown not a tee-shirt. And resolved never to risk trying for a second reprieve.

Xi

BTW, was it you that decimated my record collection? There are only a few songs listed - or inferred - that I haven't bought at some time or other.

We all tune for Itune

erin's picture

I picked most of those off the listing in my Ipod but some I haven't owned since licorice was still black.

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

They still make it

I do like the cherry licorice -- which is hardly licorice to be honest.

You still can get the bitter-sweet black stuff, you just have to look harder.

I spent Valentine's eve working on an entry for Bob's Stardust contest. I hope the rest of you had a better time, though I did get to be silly so it kinda worked out. Would be more fun snugled up though, but then it would be hard to type.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

I meant the crunchy kind

erin's picture

"Licorice" used to mean recorded music, too. :)

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

clear innit

- is also known as a 'liquorice sick'. :-)

And, some silver lining from this story. I've located two of my thought-lost Beatles albums - on vinyl. Both were purchased at first release, and had been put in one of those 'safe places' where you can never find them again.

I can't play them though (to better get the story mood). #2 son nicked my cartridge.

Xi

"Nicked" Cartridge

Xi,

You can get a replacement cartridge at http://www.garage-a-records.com/index.php . Models at variety of prices are available. Unless you are ultra-fanatic, the $100 Audio Technica model 440LO will serve you very well.

Not Nick-ed

It wasn't our son Nick (he only uses an I-pod); it was his brother wot dun it. (Neither of them wear old lace.)

That site is a brilliant resource, but I think that shipping and Customs are going to make it too complex for the UK. But despite the amount of stuff we buy on-line, buying a replacement cartridge that way hadn't occurred to me at all; and it's an ideal product for the route because of its high value-density (ie €/kg, or $/lb if you must). So many thanks for the idea.

Xi

PS There was/is a brilliant TG-themed parody using (I think) "our son Nick" as a pun on element 33 and the title of the Kesselring play. Can anyone point me towards finding it again? (Finder's reward will go into the hatbox.)

Our Son Nick by Angela Rasch

erin's picture

Right here on BC Our Son Nick by Angela Rasch. :)

hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

I thought that was a clarinet?

I though that was what Benny Goodman played?

And the crunchy licorice was the stuff with the pink hard candy shell.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

subtle

A surface read of this story doesn't reveal any TG. If it had been posted on some emo-girl's blog instead of here, you'd never know.

I can also delude myself into thinking that our narrator is merely preparing to get very drunk.

Intentional

erin's picture

But there is that first line of the next to last paragraph.

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Too sad for me

This is just too dark and sad.

Did you leave out a last song? Known as the theme from M*A*S*H, "Suicide is Painless". Or at least that was where I felt this was going.

**sigh** Too much sadness in our world!!!

PS If you look there are words for the song, not just the instrumental version that the TV series used.

Not left out, exactly

erin's picture

You just don't use a hammer to tie a hangman's knot. Did you hear the music?

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

"Slip Slidin' Away" - works perfectly...

as the ending for a well crafted, dark, sad and awful tale.

I can't agree with Karen and Jennifer about it being unclear what was intended. The hints are sprinkled throughout, subtly maybe, but there.

We can, I suppose, hold out hope that there is a final stay. But I doubt it.

Love all,

Jamie

Maybe not clear

I might not have been clear, I understood what he was planning, but at the end I am left wondering for sure if he actually did. Although I admit the songs do seem to say he did.

Erin, for me Valentine's Day has always been a non-player as a holiday. It always seemed too contrived, an idea by the commercial interests to fill in the gap in a slow season after Christmas and before Spring. Now, if it was in April or May, when life starts busting forth in all it's color it would be better.

Karen J.

"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you."
Francoise Sagan


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

A difference

erin's picture

Clear and unambiguous are not the same thing, always. I think that's the distinction you and Jamie Lou are talking about.

As for Valentine's Day itself, I originally titled this Blue Valentine but when I typed the title in the box here, it came out as you see it. I liked it so I changed it. It took me a while to figure out what the title change meant. Kids' Valentine cards always had cutesy things like U for you, 2 for two or too and R for are. Valentine's Day for me is always going to be a kid's holiday which added something to the feel of the story.

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Erin gave us a BIG clue

Karen,

the start of the next to last paragraph mentions the poor soul setting the whisky? down next to another bottle in the bathroom -- the poison/sleeping pills/what have you.

I blew past that the first time I read. A very sad story. I hope no one I every know or love feels compeled to take that awful choice.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

I prefer up-beat stories

Hope Eternal Reigns's picture

Because sad tales like this one hit a little too close to the heart. Well written and quite clear enough to this obtuse individual.

I guess the reason I like up-beat stories is that they take my mind AWAY from the sadness, at least for a little while.

with love,

Hope (trying to maintain hope anyway...)

with love,

Hope

Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.

Don't we all

erin's picture

Don't we all? Sometimes sad stories are too easy to write. Sometimes they are all that comes out. This time of year seems to bring out sadness in me and I've had some very depressing personal news in the last few weeks. This story helped me solidify the grief and pain and put it outside me.

Sometimes I find it hard to forgive myself for being pleased with a story like this.

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Valentines Day Celebration

Erin,

I have celebrated 58 Valentines days in my 57 years of life. Some I got through with rum and coke and others with tears of loneliness. I've never had that special some one to be with. Your small story hit a soft spot in my heart. Whenever we think we have it bad we read about someone who makes our day seem like it was a day from heaven.
This Valentines day which is also my birthday was as with a lot of my birthdays, it seemed to be least important from those who tell me how much I mean to them.
Your Story lets me know I can make the best out of a bad situation. Thank you for sharing.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Thank you

erin's picture

I'm glad it meant something to you. And Happy Birthday, little girl. (You're six months and 9 days younger than me. :))

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Did you know

that the title on this one is in color in some browsers? I thought it was a different story for a moment.

Nice one, Erin. Go have a cup of coffee and a bearclaw, you need cheering up. :winks:

-- Donna Lamb, Flack

-- Donna Lamb, ex-Flack

Some of my books and stories are sold through DopplerPress to help support BigCloset. -- Donna

Forgot the # sign

erin's picture

Mozilla won't show color without a # in the color command. Thanks for telling me and a bearclaw sounds good, the kind with almonds. :)

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Stay...ah...just a little bit longer....

Andrea Lena's picture

...oh baby don't go...pretty baby please don't go!.....can't get used to losin' you no matter what I try to do, gonna live my whole life thru....lovin' you.... what becomes of the broken hearted, who had love that's now departed.... Excellent, even if it did make me cry!



Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

OMG

BarbieLee's picture

Jesus Erin..., too close to reality hon. Know too many of them. I was shaking all over when I finished. How many times have I said, "If only I could have been there?" And the truth is, we can't save them all, as the tears begin.

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

Thanks, Melanie

erin's picture

Your follow-up is great and something that could only be written by someone other than me. This way it adds but does not change.

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

song list !

Hypatia Littlewings's picture

nice song list..
*smiles*
*frowns*
*then slowly smiles a crooked smile, with tears in her(?) eyes*

.

ps. well part of the list is just implied, but i would guess matches up well with alot of my liked you-tube vids.

Your Story Took Me Back. . .

. . . to when I believed all those messages on the tiny hearts were written just for me -- and the years of pain in realizing they weren't.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)