The door opens and the cutest brunette you can imagine comes in. Sister Schubert introduces her to us and says, “Katelyn, these girls are your charges for the next few weeks. You know the drill. Since we are halfway through the year, they will have a little extra catching up to do on some things, but they have already proven they are up to it academically. Bree and Gwen, it is up to you how much of your past you reveal. Only remember that truth is a virtue.”

I am reeling a bit from that last part of Sister Schubert’s ‘speech’ as we leave. Katelyn hurries us along the hallways and tells us that we are going to English class with Sister Granger. She says, “Sister Granger is nice enough, but she has no tolerance for not paying attention. When we go in, you will have to introduce yourselves and then there will be three empty desks together in the back of the room. I will take the middle one. We will be allowed to whisper quietly if you have questions, but that privilege will only be for the first few days. Ready?”

I take a deep breath and nod. Bree is bouncing with confined energy and grins as she nods. Katelyn lightly knocks on the door and we go in. She takes us to the front of the class as the Sister announces, “Class, these are our two newest students. They are transferring in from the public school, so I want you to welcome them and show them why St. Mary’s is so much better. Girls, would you please introduce yourselves?”

A little hesitantly, I go first. I say in a low voice, almost a whisper, “Hi. My name is Gwen. Ummm, I am looking forward to meeting all of you and maybe making some friends…” Bree follows up in a bubbly voice, “Hi girls, I am Gwen’s twin sister. Like Sister Granger said, we are transferring in from the public system and are really looking forward to going here.” She looks like she is about to say something else, but then stops. She turns and smiles at Sister Granger, who nods and we go to our seats.

As we are getting our books out, I can’t help but think about how Bree’s and my roles have reversed. She is now the outgoing, self-assured twin and I am the shy, reserved one. I shake my head and open the book to where Katelyn points.

The morning classes go by rather quickly, although, the atmosphere is nothing like in public school. All of the girls sit quietly, unless called on, and pay full attention to the material. We get through a lot more material during the class than we ever would have at our old school and the homework just piles on.

I am glad when it is time for lunch. We all file out quietly and walk down the halls to the cafeteria talking only in hushed whispers. It is a little noisier in the cafeteria, but only because everyone is speaking in a normal voice. It is a far cry from the pandemonium that usually reigns in our old one.

Katelyn introduces us to a number of girls and we all sit and chat while we eat. I find myself opening up more, liking being able to just talk about how I feel about the new school, the classes, and…things in general. It is nice not to have to be macho and out to impress. Not to say there aren’t some mean girls at St. Mary’s, Katelyn has already pointed them out to us, but we have not had the ‘pleasure’ of crossing paths with them yet.

Afternoon classes are a basic repeat of the morning but the afternoon goes by a little slower than the morning. I feel like my head is quickly filling up, so much stuff is being thrown at us. Katelyn assures us that we will adapt to the pace quickly enough and tells us not to worry.

Finally, the day comes to an end and the school comes alive. It is not the same end-of-day chaos as at our old school, but compared to the rest of the day, this is anarchy. Girls are laughing and giggling, talking in normal tones, just being teenagers… Katlyn links arms with both of us and escorts us back to Sister Schubert’s office. She laughs and giggles with us and I am start to feel like I will fit in here.

Mommy arrives a few minutes later and we all go into Sister Schubert’s office. She starts out asking, “Well girls, how did the day go?” Bree bubbles her excitement all over Sister Schubert. I smile and am a little more furtive saying that it will be an academic challenge, but one that I am looking forward to. Katelyn affirms that we had no real issues.

Sister Schubert thanks Katelyn and excuses her, then she turns to us and says, “Well, I am glad that you are fitting in. It is just the first day, but you seem to be adjusting well. Now, to the matter at hand. The board held an ad-hoc meeting today. From what I understand, there was quite a bit of deliberation. It all boils down to this–there is no way, obviously, that they–we–can force Gwen to take hormones. That would be more than morally wrong. However, we also must look after the well-being of our entire student population.”

She looks straight at me and continues, “The board understands that Gwen is on hormone blockers and is mostly satisfied with that. They would strongly prefer that she be on hormones like her sister, since that shows a true commitment to the path of transition and removes certain potential doubts as to her gender and whether she fits in at this school. That being said, they also accept her therapists’ recommendations. They are willing to allow Gwen to stay without hormones–on a trial basis. It is ten weeks until spring break and her fifteenth birthday; a fully committed Gwen is more than welcome to come back after break.”

She lets that sink in, then continues, “The board, however feels that, given her sister’s impending physical developments, that too many questions will arise if Gwen is not also committed to her course by then. This is not to say, it is the board’s final ruling–things can always change, but short of Gwen starting to fully transition by then, the future for her at this school seems dim.”

She looks at Mommy and says, “Of course, you have every right to appeal that decision and speak to the board yourself. I would in fact encourage it.” She smiles at me and says, “Gwen seems like a bright young mind that would do well in our nurturing environment.”

I am quiet on the ride home. Life is seeming so unfair, right now! I did all of this to help Bree and now I am stuck in the hole that I have dug for myself. I think about the day and realize that I really enjoyed it. But I can’t really point out a single reason why. I really enjoyed the academic challenge; it is so much better than our old school–but is it that enough reason to stay Gwen?

I keep searching my feelings. I enjoyed the feeling of bonding and camaraderie with the girls. It was easy to relate with them, to just allow myself to fit in. I had my niche already carved out at the old school–and I know that I could go right back into it–but, it doesn’t feel right anymore. Joe and Fred are really good friends, but it took me years to build that relationship. I built stronger bonds with five girls today alone than I ever did with other guys over weeks as George.

I sigh as we get out of the car. I like the way I can relax with other people as Gwen–but then, why am I more introverted as her? Is that a girl thing? No, that can’t be it…look at Bree… I make a mental note to write all of this down in my journal so that I can talk to Cindy about it.

I feel like I did not get any sleep again. I was up late doing homework and then my brain would not shut down about what I liked more about being Gwen than George. I yawn and get ready before going down and fixing some breakfast. Bree comes down before Mommy and she asks me how I feel. I sigh and tell her, “I don’t know, Sis. I am confused. I knew that helping you was the right thing to do because it was so obvious to me that you needed to be Bree. I wish it were so obvious to me what I need.”

Bree hugs me and says, “Gwen, I love you dearly, but sometimes you can be infuriating! It was not obvious to me either what I needed to do. I didn’t want to listen to you, either. I likely owe my life to you for forcing me to publicly embrace Bree. I know you are happy as Gwen. I also know that you miss some of the things about being George. I don’t think a girly George is you, but nothing says that you have to be an uber-girly Gwen…”

I hug Bree and say, “I don’t know. I guess it is something to think about. I am not sure that being a tomboy the rest of my life is what I want to be either. That is what is bothering me so much. Right now, it is like those are my only two options; a really feminine George, or a somewhat tomboyish Gwen. Neither seems just right…”

Mommy meets with Sister Schubert and the head of the board the next day. After school, she tells us, “Well, he seemed to understand things a little better, but still refused to budge, for now. He said that the other parents would not understand why Bree can be in full transition and not you, Gwen. He says he consulted with their lawyer and that legally it was a grey area and we could obviously challenge it if we want. He did reiterate, though, that the board was willing to revisit the situation during spring break. It is up to you, Gwen. What do you want to do?”

I sit and think a few minutes before responding. There is no way that I want this to go to court; that would be stupid, since I don’t feel like I am fighting for any sort of cause here–although, so far, I really like St. Mary’s. I still have no idea what I want. Finally, I say, “Let’s just wait a while and see how it goes. I have my session with Cindy tomorrow and I want to talk to Amanda, too. I really like St. Mary’s, but I don’t think that I am ready for some sort of fight over me being there…”

Mom nods and says, “OK, Gwen. I understand and agree with you. I don’t want to wait until spring break to have some sort of back-up plan in mind, though.” She hugs me and I go to do my Mt. Everest of homework.

I am standing at my locker the next day, sorting through books, when I feel a hug from behind. I hear a familiar voice say, “Been hiding from me? This is your third day and I haven’t seen you at all!” I turn in surprise and exclaim, “Amanda? You go here, too?” I see Amanda in the same boring uniform that I am wearing. She nods, “Yes, I have been going here since Mom adopted me.” I knew Amanda was a class ahead of me, but had no idea that she was a St. Mary’s girl.

She smiles and says, “I know you have a session with Mom right after school. I offered to give you a ride over there, since I am going anyways. Meet me out front right after we get out, OK?” I smile as I nod and say, “Sure! See you then!” We part ways. I find Bree and Katelyn and our day begins.

I climb into Amanda’s convertible Mini and say, “Sweet! I bet this is a lot of fun in the summer!” Amanda giggles and says, “Yes, it is. It was my ‘adoption present’ from Mom. I never would have pictured anyone caring enough to adopt me, let alone give me a car. Yet, here we are!” She roars off and we drive towards the building where our Moms work.

Amanda gives me a sidelong glance and asks, “Cocoa after your session?” I smile at her and say, “Yes, please. I would really like that!” She parks and we go into the building. I stop by to see if Mom is busy and find that she is with a client, so I go and sit in the waiting area. I take out my biology book and get through our assigned chapter for the day just as Ellen, the receptionist, calls me in to see Cindy.

I take out my journal and sit down at the table. Cindy joins me and we get straight to business. I tell her about the school board’s decision and she nods. She and Mom had already talked. She asks, “So what do you think?” I tell her about my inner turmoil and show her my journal. She reads the section that I show her and takes a deep breath. Finally, she say, “I can’t give you the answers, Gwen. I can help you sort through the options, though. You are correct, going half-way, either way would be a really hard road. If you are a girly George, you will face a lot of ridicule and discrimination–although, it is getting better. If you are a boyish Gwen, you will face fewer struggles to begin with, but, with time, you will be expected to ‘grow out of that phase’.” She makes air quotes as she says that last part.

I sigh and say, “I know. I just feel like I am both right–neither fully George, nor fully Gwen–sort of like I am a mix… I am really at a loss as to what to do.” We talk for the rest of the session and it feels good to hear Cindy’s unbiased thoughts, but I am no closer to a solution when we are done than when we started.

I wave at Ellen on my way out and walk to the cafeteria. Amanda is busy doing some homework, so I go and order us some cocoa before I put my bag down at her table. She looks up and smiles as I go get the hot drinks. I set them down and take a seat. Amanda thanks me and asks, “How was the session?”

I take a careful sip of the hot, creamy chocolate and shrug. I sigh and say, “Well, I don’t think we resolved anything. I still don’t know who I am.” Amanda giggles and asks, “Do any of us? We aremaking it and just let it come naturally. I have faith in you that it will.”

I smile brightly and say, “Well, that is easier said than done--but it makes more sense than anything else said today. I will try…I guess I can bury myself in my homework to forget…” Amanda groans and says, “No, that is not what I meant. You just need to live. You started out forcing things to help Bree. Then you were sort of eclipsed by her development. Stop living in her shadow. Start living in the light again. See which way it pulls you…”

I go and hug her, as I say, “Thank you, Amanda. I think that is what both of our Moms have been trying to tell me–but it actually makes sense that way. OK. I am just going to relax and see where it takes me. Right after I finish my homework!” Amanda groans as I start unpacking my books…

Continued in Part 9.

Next time: Can Gwen just go with the flow and relax? What will her big decision be?