Public Defender, Sheila Cook, sat down with the prisoner, John Trask, in the cold atmosphere of the interview room.

“Mr. Trask, for running after that woman, did you know you have been charged with intent to threaten harm? That’s a misdemeanor, and could carry a penalty of ninety days in jail and a thousand dollar fine.”

“Yes, I know, but that’s not what I was doing.”

Ms. Cook sighed to herself. Of course that wasn’t the real story.

“Suppose you tell me what was actually going on.”

Trask, who seemed very subdued but resigned, took a deep breath.

“The woman who I was chasing after is my daughter. When she was growing up I treated her terribly, and I haven’t seen her in many years. When I recognized her on the street all I wanted to do was apologize for my behavior. But I had abused her as a teenager, and she was scared. I don’t blame her for that. I was an asshole. My father was also an asshole and he raised me to be just like him.”

This was not the story Sheila was expecting. She adopted a softer attitude.

“Would you tell me the whole story, Mr. Trask? It might help in your defense.”

“Call me John, please. I’m not sure I really deserve a defense. But if you really want to know…”

-o0o-

It was a warm fall day, and I got off work early. I was in construction, just like my dad. I got home and was coming into the house to get a beer, when I saw my teenage son, Theo, running out of the kitchen towards his bedroom. Once it penetrated my brain that that was my son, wearing a dress, I blew my stack and ran after him.

“Get your ass back here, you miserable little faggot!”

He’d locked his door, but I just went ahead and kicked it open. There he was, cowering in a corner. I strode over there and yanked him up. Then I tore the dress off him and beat him black and blue. My wife, Norma, had come in during this and tried to stop me, but I threw her back against the wall like a rag doll. She didn’t try again.

“MEN,” I shouted, “do not wear dresses! EVER! I ever catch you in a dress again I won’t be so lenient! Get some real clothes on and then do whatever you should have been doing! Mow the lawn, whatever.”

Leaving him, I went back to the kitchen, still angry. What the hell was wrong with the boy? I knew he’d always been a little on the pansy side, and I had yelled at him for it, but to put on a dress?? No, not acceptable. Hopefully I had beat some sense into him, and that would be the last of this.

I brought the beer to the living room and turned on the TV. I wasn’t even watching it; it was just on to keep me occupied so as to stop thinking about this situation. When I finished the beer I yelled for Norma to bring me another beer. Soon I heard her scurrying to the kitchen like a mouse. She brought it in to me and before she could leave I grabbed her wrist.

“Did you know Theo was a pervert?”

She refused to meet my eyes, and mumbled, “No, I didn’t know.” I wasn’t sure I believed her though. I mean, she was home, and he was in the kitchen, for cryin’ out loud.

“Well, make sure he doesn’t try it again or he’s really going to regret it.”

She nodded and went to the kitchen to start dinner.

-o0o-

By the time dinner was ready I’d had quite a few beers. Norma called to me that the meal was ready. I called out to Theo to get his ass out here, but there was no answer. After I called him a few more times I went to his room, and he wasn’t there either. Norma claimed not to have seen him since I belted him.

“Well, he’s out one dinner. Let’s eat.”

-o0o-

“And that was the last time I ever saw my son, maybe thirteen years ago. The day after that Norma was gone, and I haven’t seen her since either.”

“But that’s not the end of the story, is it, Mr. Trask?” asked Sheila.

“No, that was just the beginning of the end. I don’t know whom my wife talked to, but I found myself fired from my construction job. No one else would hire me; I’d been blackballed for being an abusive wife-beater and child beater. It wasn’t many months before I lost the house, which was a mess, since I had no idea how to do housekeeping. I traded in the pickup for a cheap beater, so I’d still have some transportation."

-o0o-

For a couple of months I was in a men’s shelter. It was full of all sorts of people I considered freaks of one kind or another, and I was very uncomfortable there. There was an effeminate guy I picked on now and then, and one day a man even bigger than I was told me to leave him alone.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I said. Who he was turned out to be the guy who gave me the beat-down of my life. “Don’t you ever go picking on those weaker than you again!” he told me. He really left an impression on me!

Course by now I wasn’t in shape anymore, being out of work and not getting the nutrition I needed. That guy had made quick work of me, and I was really hurting, lying in a corner. I couldn’t even count the many places I was bruised. And then the oddest thing happened – the effeminate guy came and helped me! At first I didn’t want him near me, but I was in no shape to turn down any help. Over two weeks I got to know him—his name was Curtis—and I started to realize he was just a regular human being. Not a pervert; just a guy who was wired to like guys instead of girls. I mean, he didn’t even try and come on to me; he was just being a friendly, humane person.

I asked him why he had to be a homo.

“John,” he told me, “I didn’t have a choice in how I felt. You may think I could just decide to act manly, but it doesn’t work that way; everything about doing that felt wrong. I didn’t just decide one day to act girly; I grew up acting like that. I had no sisters to emulate, so how did I learn that behavior? It’s innate!”

He’d had a hard life, with his dad had kicking him out when he was seventeen. I don’t even know how he ended up at the shelter, and by the time I was ready to ask him, he had gone. He was good to me while I was there, but I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be in my own place. I’d take some jobs with a temp agency, mostly really lowly labor stuff, but it never made me enough to afford my own apartment.

But I left the shelter anyway and started sleeping in my car. With a lot of time to think, I went over my miserable life in my head again and again. I’d been an abusive sonofabitch to my wife and kid—just like my dad—and I guessed I deserved to be where I was.

One day the car died. There was no way I could come up with enough cash to get it fixed. I came back from a day of temp work a few days later and the car had been towed. So now I was without shelter, it was starting to get colder, and it didn’t take long before I got sick.

By this time I was already feeling pretty disgusted with myself for the way I had acted all my life. And I was coughing all the time and figured I had pneumonia or something like that. It felt like I would be doing everyone a favor if I just died. And given that I had been such an ass for so long, I thought I probably deserved to suffer before I died. There’s a railroad track at the edge of town, and I started on my way there so I could lie down on the tracks. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I thought that would be the most painful way to go.

It took a long time to get there, and when I arrived I was exhausted. For a while I sat and rested until I had the strength to get up and lie down on the tracks. It was a gray day with a constant drizzle, so I was cold and wet and miserable, which also seemed appropriate. I finally got up and lay down across the tracks to wait. I have to tell you it’s not that comfortable a place to lie down, and I hoped the train would be along soon.

-o0o-

Next thing I know I’m waking up in a bed, in some bedroom, having no idea how I got there. After some time had passed a middle-aged woman came into the room.

“Awake, I see. You have a nice case of pneumonia, my friend. You’ve been asleep for two days.”

“Two days?! Well, I felt like I might have pneumonia,” I said, coughing. “How’d I get here?”

“I happened to see you at the railroad crossing. I’m sure you could have picked somewhere more comfortable to take a nap,” she said, with a twinkle in her eye. “I loaded you into my car and brought you here.”

“But… why bother? I’m really just a waste of humanity.”

“Why do you say that?” she asked. “And by the way, my name is Susan.”

“Because I mistreated my wife and kid until they left me. I’m out of work, homeless, and I don’t really deserve to live.” There was a silence as she digested that. I added, “Name’s John.”

“John, we all have our karma to work out. Trying to check out early only postpones the consequences of our actions. If you had succeeded you’d be back here in another life to finish—or try to finish—what you’ve begun. If you weren’t supposed to be alive here and now, you wouldn’t be.”

I had never heard anything like this before. A year before I would have just laughed in her face, but a lot of my barriers and prejudices had been mown down since then. Also, I thought it would be stupid to say anything negative about what she said, since she was taking care of me. I had another coughing spell then.

“Things will look sunnier for you once you feel better,” she said, getting up. “I’ll go get you some chicken broth.” As she left the room, she said, “I’ve got you on antibiotics, and don’t worry: I’m a nurse.”

Over the next two or three weeks as I recuperated, she spent time with me and wormed the story of my life out of me, how I had abused my wife and kid, and that final day when I found him in a dress.

“And how do you feel about him now, John?”

I considered for a while. “I feel a lot more tolerant. I mean, I still don’t understand why he would want to put on women’s clothes, but the thought of that doesn’t send me into a berserk rage anymore.”

“What if it turned out that he’s transgender?”

“I’m not sure what that means, Susan.”

“It would mean he feels he’s a woman trapped in the body of a man.”

My eyebrows rose at that. “Is that really possible?”

“It’s not only possible, it’s a fact that some people feel that way, and that includes women feeling as though they’re a man trapped in a woman’s body too. It’s a proven fact that brain chemistry is different for men and women. Some of those people suffer terribly because their minds don’t match their body.”

“I had no idea. I never learned anything like that growing up.”

“From what you told me you didn’t learn much growing up other than how to be a bully, and how to devalue women.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

I sat there for a while wondering if Theo was one of those people. If he was, then I had been punishing him for trying to be his real self. Another mark against me.

I didn’t want to be just like my dad. He didn’t treat me very well, or my mother or sister either. We all couldn’t wait until he left the house every day so there’d be some peace for a while. But as I grew older I found myself acting more and more like him. He was a terrible example of humanity, but he was my main example, front and center, and unconsciously I found myself slipping into the same patterns of behavior as he. I laughed bitterly to myself. The one person I liked the least and I ended up as a carbon copy of him.

There was no way I could see to make things right with Norma or Theo now. Yes, my behavior was much better, but I’d still made both their lives hell. I wished there was a way I could apologize to them, but I hadn’t the slightest idea where either of them were.

-o0o-

By now I was feeling much better, and I had started to help Susan out around her house until I felt well enough to strike out again on my own. She taught me the basics of housekeeping, as well as how to make simple meals. I humbly accepted her lessons. We had more discussions about transgenderism, the whole LGBTQ+ spectrum, as well as about spousal abuse. She seemed very knowledgeable. None of it was anything I had ever really given any thought to.

-o0o-

One day Susan brought home a woman friend of hers, Rosalind, for dinner. I was learning to be more polite and I made a real effort. We three had dinner together and then sat around chatting. Susan brought up the topic of trans people, and how she’d been educating me on this subject.

“And you really had no idea about any of it, John?” asked Rosalind.

“It had never even been on my radar,” I said.

“And Susan tells me you have a son who may be trans?”

“Yes, it’s possible, but I don’t really have a son anymore. I pretty much gave up a father’s right when I beat him.”

“What do you think you’d say to him if you did have the chance?” she asked.

“Other than apologizing and begging his forgiveness, I don’t know what I’d say. If I was him I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. Same with my wife.”

“Would you accept him as your daughter, if she is transgender?”

“Well, I would certainly try.”

“No, John, this is something that has to be clear-cut. Either yes all the way or no.”

“Okay, if by some miracle I found him or her, and she was willing to listen, then I would tell her I would support her.”

Rosalind smiled.

“That’s excellent. I guess you’ve come a long way. John, there’s a reason Susan asked me to dinner tonight. I’m willing to tell you that I am a transwoman, although I don’t just go telling everyone.”

I was simply stunned. There was nothing I could see or hear about her that told me she was anything other than an attractive woman. My jaw dropped.

“Your reaction tells me that you had no clue. Not all transwomen are as lucky as I am. Some still look like men, and many feel terrible about that. Some decide to let it be someone else’s problem and simply soldier on. The point is, tonight we had a normal conversation here, like normal people. It didn’t make any difference what sex we were; we related as people. If by some chance you do get in touch with your daughter, remember that she is just a person trying to get on with her life, as you are.”

“Thank you for letting me know; it’s been educational.”

When it was time for Rosalind to leave she leaned up and kissed my cheek. I had no feeling that this was a man kissing me; she just seemed completely natural.

-o0o-

Susan was kind enough to let me to stay there until I found a job. It was just labor, but it would make me enough for me to get my own place. I thanked her profusely for rescuing me and helping me to understand more about life and its many variations.

The next ten years were spent quietly, just working and living on my own. I started to volunteer at the LBGT Center nearby, just helping out around the place, including some maintenance work. If I ever saw Theo again I wanted to really understand what he might be going through. I got to know a lot of the clientele – mostly younger people—and some of them started calling me Uncle John. I treated them all as equals, and liked quite a few of them.

-o0o-

“It’s been thirteen years now since I last saw Theo. I knew nothing about his life since then, whether he decided to transition, or whether he was just a crossdresser or what. And then yesterday as I came out of the grocery store I saw this woman who reminded me of Norma. She looked up and saw me, her eyes widened and she turned pale and started running away from me. And it hit me that that must be Theo—or whatever name she calls herself now. I shouted, “Stop! Please! I just want to talk to you!” but she went faster and started to panic and scream when she looked back and saw I was coming.

“She kept screaming, attracting attention until some men grabbed me. Then a cop was there, arresting me for threatening and all that. All I wanted to do was just say I was sorry. I don’t blame her at all if she doesn’t want to hear it.”

There was silence as Sheila digested all this.

“I’m sure you didn’t want to hear all that, Ms. Cook,” John said, a little embarrassed for how long he’d been talking.

“No, no, it was quite illuminating. Her reaction seems very understandable, given her history with you. Well,” she said, rising, “Let me see what I can do for you.”

“Thank you for listening,” John said, and was led back to his cell.

-o0o-

Sheila had a number of people to contact. Her first call was to the director of the LGBT center where John worked, to explain the situation. The director said she would round up some people who love Uncle John and would be willing to speak up for him.

Sheila then arranged a meeting with Taryn, John’s daughter, and went over with her what had happened.

“Did Mr. Trask touch you?”

“No.”

“Did he threaten you?”

“No.”

“What was it he said to you?”

Taryn thought back and remembered him saying, “Stop! I just want to talk to you!”

“He told me he just wanted to apologize to you,” said Sheila.

“What?! That doesn’t sound like him.”

“Taryn, you haven’t seen him for over thirteen years. He’s been through a lot since then and learned much.”

She scoffed. “Hard to believe.”

“Maybe so, but as he doesn’t know what happened to you, you also don’t know what happened to him. He’s had quite the journey. He volunteers at the local LGBT Center every evening, and he has quite a few people there that really care for him.”

Taryn’s eyes betrayed her skepticism.

“I want you to meet some of them,” Sheila said, She brought out her phone and sent a short text. The door opened and a dozen people from the LGBT Center trooped in. Many of them were obviously non-binary and Taryn was floored.

“You all like that man?”

A girl with pink hair and multiple piercings was the first. “We love uncle John. He makes us feel safe at the Center, listens to us when we need an ear.

A butchy-looking woman in her twenties added, “And he just helps out and looks out for us.”

“Uncle John? John Trask?”

“Yeah,” they chorused. “He’s great.”

One thin teenage boy with acne said, “He comforted me when my boyfriend broke up with me. He was really wonderful to me.”

Taryn just couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

Sheila looked at her with sympathy.

“People can change, Taryn. I want to leave you with that thought.”

She and the youth left the room, leaving Taryn still shell-shocked.

-o0o-

Taryn thought about what she’d heard, seen and learned, and did withdraw her complaint. The charges were dropped and John was released. He wanted to thank her, but Sheila told him she still wasn’t ready to face him. Seeing him after all those years had brought back some very unpleasant memories and some PTSD. Maybe some day she could face him, but not now.

Sheila Cook delivered a letter to her from John.

Dear Daughter,

Thank you for what you did for me. I hope you don’t feel sorry for me for the arrest, because I don’t deserve any sympathy from you.

All I wanted do was simply apologize to you for being an abusive asshole. You didn’t know my father, but when I was growing up he was just like I used to be, and we all hated and feared him. In spite of myself I grew into the same kind of man. I know there’s nothing I can do to atone for the way I treated you and your mother, but this letter is the first chance I have had to say sorry.

If you are in touch with your mother, please tell her I apologize. I never treated her right either.

I’ve learned a lot since we last saw each other, and I hope I’ll go on learning.

I wish you all good things, and that goes for your mother as well.

John Trask

Taryn cried as she read the letter. She was glad he had changed his ways, but she couldn’t help thinking it just seemed like too little too late.

-o0o-

On her next therapy appointment she brought up the whole episode with her father.

“It sure sounds like he’s grown into a human being since you last saw him, Taryn.”

“I know. I just couldn’t believe it when all those kids from the LGBT Center said they loved him. He can’t be the same man who terrorized my mother and me.”

“Evidently he isn’t. But what about you? Can you forgive him?”

“I—I just don’t know if I can. It’s too soon. This whole thing has triggered some nightmares.”

“Taryn, as long as I’ve known you, you have had this weight hanging over you. The weight is you being unable to engage life fully because you can’t forgive your father. You don’t even need to see him, but if you can let go of that pain and anger, you’re going to be amazed at how much better you feel. Give it some thought. You gain nothing by holding on to the bad feelings.”

“Thank you Mary. I will give it some thought.”

-o0o-

A couple weeks later Taryn steeled her nerves and disguised herself in a blonde wig with dark glasses and went to the LGBT Center one evening. She just felt that she had to see the truth of what the kids had said. It was busy enough there that she felt unnoticed. She took a seat and pretended to read a magazine as she kept an eye on what was going on. She saw her father interacting with a lot of people there that evening. Although it made her almost shake in her boots to be in the same room with him, she watched him help people and talk to people, and even sweep the floor, all with a kindly smile on his face, a smile she really never remembered seeing. More than one kid gave him a hug or a kiss before they left. As the place cleared out she left before she was noticed.

So hard to think this was the same man who had caused her and her mother so much grief. She knew her therapist, Mary, was right about forgiving him, but just looking at him she could almost feel the old bruises. If she did forgive him, would those memories stop plaguing her? It might be worth it just to find out.

Taryn had had a number of relationships over the years, all with women. They didn’t tend to last that long, and the partners would all say the same thing to her, that she seemed too wound up and closed up. They didn’t feel like they were getting all of her.

Her current girlfriend, Lili, was trying hard, but Taryn could tell the relationship was heading in the same direction as the others. She didn’t want it to, but she wasn’t sure how to do what Lili wished she could do.

That night she told Lili all about her childhood traumas, and about her father’s changed behavior.

“I still can’t believe it, but I actually observed him at the LBGT Center, and those kids were telling the truth. They do love him. He was even smiling. I can’t even remember seeing him smile when I was growing up. Mary told me I need to forgive him, even if I don’t tell him in person.”

Lili looked at her sympathetically. She reached out a hand and stroked Taryn’s hair.

“She’s right, you know. This is holding you back from life, and from me. I realize you had a horrible childhood, but you’ve been on your own for years now. Why not leave all those horrible things in the past?”

Taryn’s eyes brimmed with tears.

“I…I want to, but I think I’ve been holding on to that pain for so long, and nurturing it, that I don’t know how to let it go.”

“First you have to make up your mind to do it. I’m guessing that up to now, you have never committed to do that.”

Taryn looked down. “You’re right.”

Lili pulled her head back up. “You don’t need to feel guilty about that, honey. This whole thing is a process. Decide to do it, and then just say it in your head. Or you can write about it if you think that would work better. You can even pray about it if you want.”

Taryn reached over to her and they held each other.

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Lili. I know I haven’t been fair to you while I’ve been hauling this load around. I’m really sorry.”

“I forgive you, Taryn,” She said, and smiled. “See how easy that was?”

“Smart ass,” Taryn smiled through her tears. “I love you, Lili.”

Lili was surprised. “You’ve never told me before. I love you too.”

“I think it’s just all part of the same problem. I’m sorry I never told you before.”

“Taryn, look, it’s December. Why don’t you make a New Year’s resolution to forgive your father? You won’t regret it, and it’ll be one more thing to finalize it.”

Taryn drew in a deep breath as they released the hug.

“Okay, you’re right, you’re right. I resolve to forgive my father and leave the past in the past.”

“Good girl,” smiled Lili.

-o0o-

As Taryn lay in bed that night she tried to clear her mind. She kept having to chase away flickers of scenes of her father chasing her, but she finally felt calm enough to say, inside herself, ‘I forgive you for what you did to me.’ She was so astonished at how she felt that she began to cry silently. It really was like a heavy weight had lifted off of her. This lightened state was so amazing. She gasped, despite herself.

Lili rolled over and even in the dim light she could see the tears.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I…I, I just did it! I forgave him!”

Lili put her arms around her and kissed her. “I’m happy for you.”

They fell asleep holding each other.

-o0o-

In the morning Lili could tell the difference in Taryn’s manner. She was almost bubbly, which made Lili kind of giggle; she wasn’t used to this side of Taryn.

And a few days later she asked the big question.

“Are you going to tell your father you forgive him?”

“I’m, uh, I’m trying to work my way up to it.”

“Would you like me to go with you?”

Taryn looked at this sweet companion and smiled. “I would love it.”

They decided to do it on New Year’s Eve. Lili had called the Center and found out they were having a party there. She spoke with the director.

“I was wondering if my partner and I could have some time in a private room at the party to talk to John Trask.”

“He’s not in trouble, is he?”

“No, my partner is his daughter, and she would like to forgive him in person.”

“Ahh. Yes, I heard the story about this, and I’m pleased to hear about her plan. I think John will be very happy.”

“So Taryn and I will arrive a little early, and could you send him in to us when he gets there?”

“I would be delighted.”

-o0o-

On New Year’s Eve the girls arrived at the Center before the party began and went straight to the private room and sat down at the table to wait. After about forty-five minutes there was a soft knock and the door opened. In walked John Trask. When he saw Taryn he stopped dead.

“You’re here,” he breathed. “I never thought I would see you again.”

She looked up at him.

“Yes,” she said, and took a deep, shaky breath. “I wanted to tell you in person that I forgive you.”

To her shock he started crying.

“You can’t know what this means to me. Thank you.”

He wiped his eyes with his palms, and then asked, “Oh! I don’t know my own daughter’s name.”

It had never occurred to her that he hadn’t been told.

“It’s Taryn, and this is my partner, Lili.”

He smiled. “It’s a nice name. It fits my beautiful daughter. Wonderful to meet you, Lili.”

-o0o-

They didn’t immediately become friendly, but it was a first step. There was contact, and eventually every so often Taryn and Lili would have him over to dinner. It really made him happy. And it turned out that it made Taryn happy too.

The End.

Author's note: Sorry if any of the legal stuff is incorrect. I never did get a law degree… or any other degree, come to think of it.