Have I said how much I love Mom and Pastor Porter lately? There is no way I can say it enough. They have taken a relative stranger into their lives, and home. Most especially they make me feel welcome. They never seem to regret the decision because they took me into their hearts first. I feel closer to them that I have ever felt with any other human beings. Sitting here, thinking about all of their love and care, everything they have done to help me, my eyes tear up and I get a huge lump in my throat. Samantha's Story part 10 By Maid Joy

My cynical side won't shut up! It keeps asking what they’re getting out of this. They don't really ask me to do much of anything, just to keep my messes cleaned up. They didn't ask me to do extra chores, don't try to convert me or anything else my little cynic suggested would happen. I was not their instant maid of all work, I usually wish they’d let me do more.

I could almost believe in totally altruistic impulses as every day miracles. But cynicism tells me that such an impulse doesn't exist anywhere in nature, much less in humans.

For now I’m telling Cynicism to take a hike. Mom and Pastor Porter are more than nice to me, and they were so openhanded I knew I wouldn't be able to pay them back.

The spring semester has come and gone. I wasn’t back in school since I didn't have enough funds yet. I was able to get enough in grants and scholarships to pay for the summer semester and I was thrilled. It would cover tuition, lab fees and my books. It even gave me enough that I could pay for my meals again. They did not, however, pay for the majority of my living arrangements. So I was beholden to the Porters again.

They said I am welcome at their table whenever I want to come home, and I feel very guilty. I am resolved to live as frugally as I can so as not to be a burden. But oh the way they said come home made me know they felt it is my home too. Any time I want to be there for as long as I live I can come home. By the way, have I mentioned I love Mom and Pastor Pop?

Before I could breathe it was Easter again and I found myself in a new Easter Dress, complete with hat and gloves. I had come a full circle. On Easter last year I walked into this Church and been spotted by Mom Porter who came to the rescue of a lost stranger.

The church wasn’t the only part of my life that made a difference to me. Ben and I continue to see each other off and on as our schedules permit. I try to stay current with the goings-on at the College, so I won’t be too far behind when I returned to classes.

My job in the library was going well, and I was invited to work there full time instead of just part time as I had been doing. The money came in handy that was sure.

As if that wasn’t enough, Tina and I continued working hard talking to GRL about getting a chapter set up locally. In fact we were in almost daily communication with National. Thank goodness for 800 numbers and Tina’s unlimited cell phone plan. The list of “must have before starting a chapter” was long and thorough. It was a labor of love in many ways.

I continue my appointments with Dr. McNair and we talk about almost everything; sorority business is the only area we don’t discuss. I was quizzed about how I felt about Ben, how I felt about Tina and more. I explained that I felt that Tina was more of a sister now to me than anything else. She and I had grown very close over the time I was out of school.

I was still confused by Ben and being attracted to him, but also being mindful that technically we were still the same sex. I couldn't resolve that in my head. Dr. McNair helped a lot in defining the boundaries I had put up. Kissing Ben wasn't a problem, and we had done that often. I was feeling an impulse to something stronger, but I didn't want to push it.

My breasts were developing. I stopped wearing the breast forms since I had about a B cup now. They itched all the time. Why didn't any of the books about puberty talk about how much boobs itch when they’re growing? I had also learned a couple tricks to hiding myself, so it so much easier to wear little sexy items like a swimsuit.

I found out that I really had been disowned by my father, when I next tried to contact mom without him knowing. It was a disaster and I chose to follow mother’s lead acting as if I was the orphan she told me I now was. I told myself it was fine really. I had gotten over the whole “parents rejecting me” thing. I still cried occasionally knowing that I couldn't talk to my mother and sisters, but for the most part it had ceased to hurt. I saw pictures of myself and my family and I hurt with the pain missed them.

I was proud that my whole routine the waxing and shaving, the eyebrows, the makeup, the hair and nails and so on, had become just that, a routine, and not one that was very difficult. It was time consuming, but not terribly so since I stretched out the procedures to 3 days.

I think Ben was a bit confused by the fact that I was still with him and that we were a“steady” item. I learned that he had been so hurt by bitches that he was surprised a pretty girl wanted to be with him, just because he was himself. I wasn't after his money, or was I after the status of being “his girl”, I wasn't a bitch to him and I didn’t demand he change anything for me. I think it had him very confused and a little off balance.

When we could, I sat and talked with Mom and Pastor Pop. He kept insisting I could call him Pop since he thought of me as a daughter. I had worked my way down from Pastor Porter to Pastor P to Pastor Pop. I figured to go slow with that. I’d had and lost one father already. We literally talked about everything. They were the people that I could unburden myself with and think through my problems with out loud. One of the main topics was frequently God.

Please understand, I’m not down on God or Jesus, it was just that I didn't see why they love Them so much. How could they? I look at the world and saw all the hurt, all the pain, my personal pain about my family and I can't understand their attitude of “God is Love and God is with us.”

I work to understand that depth of conviction and faith. I go to church every Sunday, meditating and thinking about my relationship with Them, and I really try to become closer. I do feel awe when I think of the things that had been created and the miracles that happened every day. It was the contrast of an all-powerful deity who allowed people to hurt that was so difficult to accept.

The Porters' love of Them was testimony enough there was something I was missing. They have no need or desire to witness to me or try to convert me. The way they live is testimony enough. Mom and Pastor Pop know people must “get it” themselves. If they don’t, it’s only themselves that loose.

I don't know what I was reading or doing when I had my revelation. The problem is Choices. The root of all evil isn't money, it is choice. People choose to be who they are; they can choose to be someone who helps their fellows, or they can choose to be someone who takes advantage of others. That is what determines what life they live.

I decided to test my theory. I spent a week and a half watching other people, reading articles in the papers, magazines and on TV and seeing if I could walk back the chain of cause and effect to a choice that someone made at some point. I found that in many cases, I could. Most difficult was the trail that led to many choices. When I could walk it back most of the choices were not choosing, just letting things happen they way they always had.

I came to understand it wasn't who someone prayed to or whom they worshiped that determined who was good and who was bad, it was what they did themselves to honor that deity which defined them. Mom and Pastor Pop chose to be the best reflections of God that they could be, someone who reflected the highest ideals and constant work to illuminate the teachings of Jesus, trying to help those around themselves to raise themselves up instead of dragging them down with negativity.

And I finally understood why.

It seemed so silly when I realized why they acted this way, trying to be good people. It wasn't because they would be rewarded once they died; it was because it made them feel good to help others on their path to God.

That was it.

When that Revelation hit me, I was stunned again. Acting to help others simply made them feel good inside where it counted.
I understood that all the thanks in the world would be appreciated but unnecessary, for they already had the reward of knowing that they had helped someone in need. That was why they offered genuine help to me. That was why they organized so charitable activities for the members of the church, urging the congregation to give of themselves to the wider community. It was all because doing good made them feel closer to God and being closer to HIM made them feel good.
When I expressed this to Pastor Pop, he got very excited and told me that I had learned a lesson that was very profound and difficult. Then he asked me what I was going to do.

I hadn't yet considered what I would do with the understanding, then came a flash of light in my head. I would help others because it made me feel good too.

He got such a big smile on his face when he heard me say that. He nodded and touched me on the shoulder and said, “Welcome home, my child. You have arrived to a new life, and I am proud to call you my Sister, and my Daughter.”

I felt like I had been swamped by a wave. I was dizzy, my brain spinning in place. It felt as though I soared among the stars without ever leaving the chair. I expanded to fill the universe, but I was smaller than an atom at the same time. I became conscious of how little I knew, and how much I had grown at the same time. I felt at one with everything, all at once. It was so much, and there was so much more that I couldn't express.

I saw Pastor looking at me with an understanding in his eyes that spoke volumes. I saw compassion and understanding, a confident knowledge that I had just broken out of my chrysalis to the life of the evolved butterfly.

That Event let me know that I was doing what I needed to. The Baptism was just a public ceremony showing how serious I was now. I already knew what I had vowed to do, to try to leave the world better than I found it.