The Name (4/6)

So it will be tomorrow, my fifteenth birthday. What’s fifteen? That’s the age of my parents when I was born so I’m supposed not to be a kid anymore. As a kid I could expect something new expensive for my birthday like new pc, Smartphone, videogame or similar stuff. I actually don’t feel myself very adult like in time to have my own family and kids and stuff like my father and mother fifteen years ago. Maybe I’m simply like underdeveloped. I can be a little bigger and I can have a little more muscles but I don’t am so big and I don’t have those muscles and I’m more dancer than a jock. I’m not one of those sort of late bloomers and my puberty is over. My voice was cracked for three months last year just it ended in the same soprano as previously. I have fuzz all over my face and I may shave it if I want but I don’t need to shave more than once in two weeks. I have some hair under my arms and on my groin and I shave it while it’s hard and curly and dark like an alien on my own body. So I’m almost the same as other boys my age just not so tall and my voice is high and there are those bumps on my chest but they are not big. Audra says they are like cups and are named “A”.

Audra is my BFF and eventually I’m her BFF. I guess my puberty will be complete when I’ll feel an attraction to Audra. For me she’s most beautiful simply perfect girl but I don’t feel to her that attraction as it’s described in books. Sure there is some wonderful feeling when we are hugging but the same feeling is when I’m hugging with granny or someone else who’s the same very important and dear. And then there was that confusion about my being kind of a girly and like I am not a boy anymore but a girl. That’s weird and it makes me a freak. No matter that some people with Audra and Granny are sure I’m really a girl in wrong body for the rest of the world I’m somebody. People that don’t know me think I’m a girl but after they get to know my name they are confused. Sorry, I’m again about the same…

So back to my birthday. I’m ready to accept anything the faith has prepared for me while I understand that two weeks after Christmas isn’t the best time for another turn of presents’ giving. It’s not the first time for my birthday to have teatime at home with Granny and Audra.

This time there was a special faith’s gift. Gramp arrived a day before my birthday but not the way Granny or I were expecting it. He was driven home by his friend. He said there was a pain in his chest on left side and when the pain was unbearable they left cargo and turned home. He didn’t agree to be placed into hospital other than “our”. What other could be expected? Gramp as anyone else in the town was kind of patriot. Anyway the Foxstone town wasn’t there before the St. Rochus hospital was built more than hundred years ago. Later there was an orphanage and later the school. We from Foxstone had “our” hospital and were attending it from anywhere in the world whenever needed. So Gramp too went those ‘a little’ six hundred miles from Canada to get into “his” hospital.

Heart attack. He came just in time for heart attack not to happen. Anyway he was placed into ICU for a day.

I wasn’t sure what about granny but I was praying for him all my birthday. We are not religious though we talk about God more than once a day. We are nor Catholics or Lutheran or any other confession. Granny says she’s equally comfortable with any of them and I was comfortable I had attended both churches in our town with her. The God doesn’t need our prayers to be translated into some special language, so I was praying and I noticed that I named Gramp in my prayers ‘Daddy’. I don’t know why. Actually I have father but he is just like official father and before he left he was like an older brother for me. He was my age when I was born. I’m sure longing for him but not the way I was always longing for Gramp. Gramp is special, he’s like a Dad of all our family. I was sure God did understand what I had in my mind asking for health of my Daddy while he was released from ICU the next day.

In my prayers for Daddy I’d included Granny too and named her ‘Mommy’. And again, there’s an official Mother and I’d never met her and didn’t know who and what she was. Granny had paid her for her pregnancy and labor ‘cause she wanted go for abortion. So I was pretty sure the title ‘Mommy’ was vacant and present for Granny to take it. By the way she’s less than fifty years old and when at school she’s not the oldest one among other parents of my mates.

So what my birthday present was? I’ve got Mommy and Daddy. I guess it’s incomparably more than any Smartphone. I was very proud of this present and sure I wanted to share my joy with others. So there was a dinner after school and after we came from hospital visiting Daddy (!!!) and I put a kettle on a fire for tea and Mommy (!!!) takes butter cookies she’d baked previously and Audra sets the table and I like say “I want to share my joy with you while I was praying for Gramp as for Daddy and for Granny as for Mommy and God has accepted my prayers so from today Gramp is Daddy and Granny is Mommy and I have both my parents and I’ve got to live in a normal family.” Then we all three watered a little but I could see that Mommy was happy and Audra kissed me on my cheek and hugged tightly as a bear.

And then Mommy said “Sorry.” While I didn’t understand and said “What for?”

“For me saying I hate Kurt and everything with this name related. For saying I don’t like this name. I guess I’ve been selfish and wrong.”

“I know you don’t hate me,” I said and hugged Mommy and she said “And I’m sorry for pushing you. It’s selfish too. I kind of did want a girl when your mother was pregnant and doctors said no way for the boy to be born but I’m thankful for you have born.”

“I’m sorry too,” Audra said, “for pushing you to take a girl’s name.”

“No prob’,” I replied, “anyway in a couple of days no one will mistake me for a girl.”

“What will happen in a couple of days?” Mommy asked anxiously and there was this worried look on her face and on Audra’s face as well.

“I’m about to make an appointment to salon for haircut and my hair will be taken for charity. They need no less than ten inches so I guess the remaining buzz cut will be a proof of me being a boy.”

“You can’t do that!” Audra exclaimed with her voice raised.

“Why not?” Mommy asked.

“She’d had started all this cheerleader business two months ago,” Audra started explain Mommy with excitement, “she’d found sponsors, made agreement with PE teachers and school office. There were tryouts in December and the squad is ready, we need only the uniforms.”

“Hey hey wait a little,” Mommy tried to calm Audra down, “who’s she and why you need another cheerleader squad in your school?”

“Sorry, she’s Kurt,” Audra said pointing at me, “and we have no one cheerleader in our school at the moment. Some years ago there were few consequent accidents in the squad and it was disembodied. Now our teams compete without cheering and they all are in last positions in the state. So Kurt gathered all information and started everything and she’s sort a captain of the squad.”

“Are you all addressing Kurt ‘she’?” Mommy asked.

“Only during our practices and when we are as a squad,” Audra said.

“After my haircut will be done you may address me ‘she’ if you want. Other girls know who I am. I don’t see a problem.”

“But we all expected you to be on squad… as a girl. And when you talk with possible sponsors it’s much better they think you’re the girl too.”

“I have a wig, matching your hair color,” Mommy said, “temporarily it may be a solution while later your own hair will grow.”

It was a relief I couldn’t expect. We both hugged Mommy.

“We need your girl name to put on your uniform,” Audra stated, “so we need to decide what it will be.”

“What name you girls are using?” Mommy asked.

“None,” Audra said, “simply ‘she’ and ‘her’ and sometimes Kurt but Kurt sounds wrong. Sorry Kurt. Maybe some other name could sound better but Kurt is kind of rugged.”

“I don’t want to be a pusher,” Mommy said, “but if you decide to take a girl’s role you need a girl’s name. It may seem like formality but the name will represent you no matter what will you feel. Name can’t be partially male and partially female like Kumoni or Monkur. It has to be Kurt or Monica if you agree with my choice.”

I was pretty sure there it was the time for me to make a final decision. I was free to make a choice and I knew whatever it will be Mommy and Daddy will support me, Audra surely will support me too. For taking name Kurt and being a boy I would be supported by my anatomy and my current legal status while taking name Monica and being a girl I would be supported only by those I’d mentioned.

I couldn’t wait forever with my decision but once it would be made I will need struggle for the rest of my life. So what? Kurt? Monica?

 
* * * * *
 

The Run (5/6)

Winter doesn’t offer a lot of days suitable for running in Maine. I was used to taking advantage of every good weather day for short or long runs depending on my free time and my disposition. It was Saturday and the weather was ideal for a run – a sunny day without wind. I could run alone, while in winter there were no pervs and it was relatively safe to run alone. In summer I usually run with Will. I liked long distances at a low pace. Usually, I was making a mile in about ten minutes. A run to the lighthouse four miles away was taking an hour and a half including return. Running was a good physical exercise; helping improve not only my health but my endurance. Another advantage of the long run is the possibility of meditation. Not only in the yoga sense. As reflection too. Running at a slow pace allows keeping most muscles relaxed and all movements in kind of resonance.

Saturday was the first day this year suitable for the run. I left my home at seven in the morning with the rising sun for my rambling. It was already six weeks after my attempt to escape home and life. The time was passing and I’d not sorted anything about me and my life. There was a shrink whom I was meeting three times a week. He intended to help me sort my feelings regarding myself. He turned in another direction when he was sure my only problem is a GID or gender identity disorder. There were some tests done and he confirmed what was known. I’d passed my puberty spurt and there was no way to expect more significant masculinity in my life. Regarding my shape and breasts, he said it was probably my diet which included a lot of flax seeds and soya and green tea with some relaxing herbs. He said it was “most probably”. Who knows was that true or not.

Then there was the problem of my not deciding on my future appearance. He said I was more comfortable in a female role sometimes, and sometimes in the male one. The problem was my environment was too friendly (?) to me and I wasn’t forced to decide by myself. I was expecting mom to say what’s better for me. She said: “I’ll accept everything you decide,” instead. I didn’t know what to decide. I have now a few hours for my musing and… I’m not sure will I make any decision or not.

Becoming a girl, I’d need to reject my male habits. Like a daily routine of male yoga. It included awakening at four in the morning, a cold shower, some exercises then some meditation, and then a warm shower and ready for the new day at six. This routine helped me to keep my male plumbing under control.

The second wasn’t a habit rather the situation. I was officially male so everything official in my life was male. That was all I could think. I was male – yoga and legal.

If I pretend to stay a man for the rest of my life I’d have to reject everything girly in my life. First – dancing. That’s all sorts of jive, swing, twist, square dance, and line dance routine. I can dance as a man just I don’t know the male part so good nor do I like it. The second – aerobics. Sure there are male aerobics sportsmen while again I don’t know and don’t like a male part of it. The third is cheerleading and it’s not only personal while I’m a captain of the squad and I’m coaching other girls while there is no gym teacher volunteering to help us and I’m involved in fundraising for the squad. The fourth is my girly hobbies sewing and knitting. At least the fifth is my girl’s clothes. I haven’t a lot of them while there are mostly leggings (I’m actually wearing a pair of them while running). I prefer leggings to any sort of pants just I can’t wear them all the time. I have some tops but I’m rather tomboyish. And there was just another thing – I didn’t want to be a man or to grow into the man. I didn’t want to be a girl either though it was just a better alternative to being the man. I didn’t know why I didn’t want to be a man. I had nothing against men as a part of the population. I was rather neutral to them. I simply didn’t want to be one of them.

Summarizing the female part of my life I had dancing, aerobics, cheerleading, sewing/knitting, leggings, and my will. My anatomy has to be mentioned too – i.e. breasts, no facial hair, hips and waist ratio more than four to three, no Adam’s apple and mezzo pitch. I don’t wear any makeup and now I’m completely bald after my hair donation and anyway I’m mistaken for a girl regularly.

It seems that switching to a full-time girl mode is the most proper alternative. But… I’d done some research on the net and there is no such law though it happens pretty often that effeminate boy who was mistaken for a girl very often turned to be an object of attacks by bigots after he announced his decision to be a girl and not only to be mistaken for one.

Was there any solution for it? I didn’t know. As reading on the net those boys and later girls almost all without any exception were something very special in one or even several areas so all of them had some support, they were demanded by society. I wasn’t. I’m average. I’m average in all areas – in learning (straight A though nothing special), in sports (I’m rather non-competitive and don’t like team games though I’m useful sometimes in a relay race), or home-keeping. And my social life is very limited. I don’t have many friends and I’m not too popular to be protected when needed. And there’s definitely no magic so I’d stand against all that bigotry by myself.

“Hi pretty,” the voice came from behind me and I squeaked. It was Will running by my side now.

“You’ll kill me one day,” I said, “and I’m not pretty while I’m bald.”

“Say it to the boys. Well, Audra had said you are Monica now while almost everyone in the team was asking about a new girl.”

“What new girl?” I asked.

“Are you a blonde in disguise?” Will replied.

We ran in silence for a while and then he asked “Why Monica? I’m sure Courtney’s more suitable.”

“Mom said I had to be girl Monica while so happened and a boy was born dad said the first name that had come to his mind and while he was reading Cat’s cradle I became Kurt like Vonnegut.”

“Since when are you calling Aunt Angela Mom? I’m sure she’s Granny for you a while ago.”

“I have no real mother as you know,” I said, “While she’s always there for me, she’s more than Granny. The name ‘Mother’ is much too official and is taken. So it’s now Mom and Dad.”

“How’s your Dad by the way?”

“He’s almost ok now and will have to spend more than a week at home, at least. He says hospital food’s killing him.”

“I tried to find him in the hospital but I had no luck.”

“What have you to do in the hospital?” I asked puzzled.

“Rudy broke his leg and arm yesterday.”

“Oh my God!” I shrieked and stopped suddenly. Rudy’s a junior and a captain of the school’s football team. He tried hard to make boys in the team train harder to end the sequence of constant losses. Last year they didn’t win a single game. He was considering going to the army after school and apparently this trauma has broken his career. I felt my eyes were watering while I couldn’t do anything with myself.

“Why do you keep most important news to yourself?” I shouted at Will.

“Doctors are doing everything they can to help him,” Will said calmly. “What will it change if you’d known it five minutes ago? I’ve called the hospital and the nurse had said Rudy’s surgery was ok and he’s sleeping now. They expect him to wake up at three to five.”

I was wounded by Rudy’s accident. It was so not right that someone, Rudy, had to suffer all that pain and fear. I know, I know, karma and all those things just I couldn’t help myself to stop crying. I didn’t want Will to see my tears so I turned around and started to look for tissue in my jumper pockets but there was none and the only thing I could do was to wait for tears to stop and wait for them to dry off.

“Take it,” Will offered me a small pack of tissues. I rubbed my eyes and blew my nose and handed him the pack back. “Keep it to yourself,” Will offered. “We can go to the hospital together today or tomorrow. Rudy will be happy to see you. He fancies you.”

“Is he gay?” I was stunned.

“Of course he isn’t!” Will frowned.

“I don’t understand then,” I said, “I’m the dude like you and Rudy…”

“Hold on Kurt. You are not. Okay, I’ve seen you nude and your sprout three years ago when we escaped our rents to the lake but I’m not sure it’s the same thing as mine or any other boy’s while now I see a girl. Others see the girl too. Audra announced you are Monica now in the nick of time while it’s like your new identity after your hair has been shaved off.”

“So does everyone guess I’m a girl? Doesn’t my opinion count?”

“Why? Nobody asks my opinion about whether I want to be a boy or not, so why do you’ve to be so special?”

“Because I have boy parts. I can show you.”

“No, no, no… Thanks a lot” Will threw his arms in the air.

“Ok, I have to admit, I don’t want to grow into a man,” I started.

“So what’s a problem?”

“I’m not sure if I want to be a girl either.”

“We are friends ten years already so I’ll help you solve your dilemma – you already are one and you don’t need to make any decision.”

“Why thank you, Sir,” I said and chuckled.

“You are welcome Ms. Mo-ni-ca!” Willy replied. “Will we turn home or continue to the lighthouse?”

* * * * *

“Hey, mom, we're home,” I yelled after Will and I entered the kitchen.

“Is Willy with you?” I heard mom’s voice from the basement.

“Yes, it’s me,” Will said, “I’ve escorted her home safely.”

“Thanks, Willy,” mom replied, “don’t you want to take a shower in a spare bathroom?”

“Sure I do, thank you, Aunt Angela,” Will replied. There was a rift in his parents’ relations lately and Will spent most of his time at our home.

Meanwhile, I told Mom about Rudy’s accident and considered making some food for him. The hospital was good, all doctors and nurses were excellent though the food could be better for sure.

“If it’s a first his day after surgery, I don’t think he will eat anything no matter whether a hospital or your food.” Mom said. “Maybe his Mom will bring him something later so you need to talk to her first.”

Will was back in the kitchen and I was wondering how boys can shower so quickly.

“It’s impossible,” Will said.

“What’s impossible?” Mom asked confused.

“Rudy doesn’t have a mom, while he does have his dad and three younger brothers,” Will replied. “Five men and not a single female. They usually eat pizza once we are talking ‘bout food.”

“So you have to talk to Rudy’s Dad before you bring something to the hospital,” Mom said. “By the way, I guess Rudy will be at home on Tuesday already. There is no need to heal a fracture in the hospital when there are no complications.”

“I think we’ll know more after we visit him today,” I said and went into the shower while Will went outside to Dad’s new garage. When showering I was glad again that I didn’t have to shampoo and condition my hair. That lets me spend less time in the shower. I wasn’t as fast as Will, anyway. But he probably had his own recipe of fast showering.

After breakfast, Will and Dad went to his new garage again. Doctors recently prohibited Dad from driving large trucks. He decided to rearrange one of the two garages into a service garage. His dream for a long time had been to restore old automobiles.

Mom and I were readying to go to a retirement home as we did every Saturday. Today was the name day of one older lady who was Polish and Mom talked with her in that strange language. Mom made a cake and I baked some butter cookies and we had a hyacinth in a pot that was ready to bloom in a week or two.

At the retirement home, the older ladies and gentlemen once again were sure I was a girl. Just this time, Mom said my name was Monica and she didn’t even try to correct them that I was a boy named Kurt. Pani Agnieszka (Lady Agnes) and her friends were delighted by our cake and cookies. Ciocia Agnieszka (Aunt Agnes) appreciated the hyacinth very much. Although there were some plants in the pots mainly in common areas of the retirement home, the rooms occasionally had some cut flowers, but no plants in pots.

Mom and I returned home just in time for Will and me to go to the hospital. We found the room where Rudy was left after the operation. I was surprised only his youngest brother was there with him. Harold stood probably less than four feet at the age of nine. He was staring at me all the time Will and I were talking with Rudy, and that bothered me. As usual, I had no make-up and no jewelry and wore jeans and a sweater. So maybe he was questioning who I was.

Then he suddenly asked, “Are you William’s or Rudolf’s girlfriend?”

Rudy almost choked while I blushed deeply and Will chuckled. I looked at Will then at Rudy and then at Will again and Will evaded by saying “Monica and I are sort of siblings.”

I actually wasn’t ready to become someone’s girlfriend yet.

“You know your bro is a captain of a football team so I’m sure every girl in the school wants to be his girlfriend and Rudy probably has already a real beauty as his girlfriend,” I tried to bypass this touchy point.

“Don’t forget Monica we are a losers’ team,” Rudy said, “and all girls I fancy are in this room.”

“Don't beat around the bush, Rudy,” Will said, “Monica apparently is a blonde in disguise.”

These words made me blush again and they laughed heartily and we were no longer in a sticky situation. We talked a little bit more and I said I’d return tomorrow. Harold asked when that would be because he wanted to meet me.

After the hospital Will escorted me home before he went to see his parents, reconnaissance as he said.

I found Mom and Dad getting ready for dinner.

“Good, you are home in time,” Dad said.

“It’s my flair for finding food,” I said.

“This is ok, but we have to talk.”

“About what?”

“About you, but after dinner.”

After dinner, we settled in the kitchen with tea and the cookies I’d made in the morning.

“You know, Angela and I met with your shrink yesterday,” Dad started. He always addressed Mom by her name as well as Mom addressed him, Charles. “He said it’s time for you to start testosterone blockers and some hormones if we want your body to develop healthily. The only thing we need is your decision. Otherwise, it’s time for testosterone shots to kick start your development as a boy.”

“I’m not sure…,” I started.

“I see it and I know it’s a girly thing to be not sure while men usually make their decision sometimes without thinking at all. To make my words more ponderable I’ll tell you a story about what happened to me three years ago. I was driving after sunset early one night somewhere in Tennessee and suddenly a man jumped in front of my truck. I could stop the truck fortunately, it was unloaded or otherwise… We spent the next night together and then another day. I was his confessor. He wanted to be a girl all his life entirely. When he was a boy he was seeing some shrink who said he needs to be eighteen to make a decision. The boy was short and skinny and he was mistaken for a girl. Then there was a late puberty spurt when he was seventeen and a year later he was already six and two and two hundred ninety pounds square-built bloke. Nature had said everything it could say and no blockers, hormones, procedures, and operations could turn him into a girl even an ugly one.”

“How is he now?” I asked.

“I’d called him a few times afterward and in his words, he’s not living while he’s surviving,” Dad said. I couldn’t help it, but tears were flowing from my eyes.

“Now I see you,” Dad continued. “To be more exact I look at you and I see a girl changing into a young woman; not a boy changing into a man. I see not only your exterior but your mannerism and some signs that are deeper and they are truer. I see you can’t make a decision by yourself so there is my decision: we go on Monday to the hospital for final tests and then we get all necessary shots and prescriptions for your development into a young healthy woman. I don’t think your expression of doubt and hesitations shows what you really want. This decision is final until the authorities or doctors will state otherwise. Period.”

I was shocked, really shocked. I looked at Mom and she said “At last, you’re Monica. The first thing to do is to buy yourself a bra. It’s so unladylike to show nipples poking through your tee.”

“You’re right. Monica does need a bra.” I said, “If everything else would be as simple as buying a bra…”

“What do you mean?” asked Dad.

“Before now I was mistaken for a girl and it wasn’t my problem. Since now I’ll pretend to be the girl and represent myself as the girl. So if someone will be mistaken I’d need to take responsibility. It would be fine but there are those parts I don’t like on me and those parts will prove I’m not real, a fake… If I only could simply cut them off…”