"Such a sweet girl."
I'm sure the old lady meant that as a compliment but I'm a boy dammit! Just one wearing an orange mini dress with a clashing red apron!
Should have known with the boss's eyesight that the uniform would be gross but I was desperate for any job. I turned up for an interview with Mr Han Lee at his Brooklyn restaurant only to find he was half-blind and assumed I was a girl just because I'm short with long hair.
He had my application right in front of him dammit! Who ever heard of a girl called Max!
With apologies to "Two Broke Girls "
—
Rhona McCloud
Mr Han Lee calls me over, points and says "That customer wants you to dance for him."
What could I do? I go over to set the guy straight but the first thing he says is "Loved the dance you were doing when I came in."
Dance? Dance? Me? That wasn't dancing, just me wriggling to try to get comfortable in this damn gaff. Before I could come up with some explanation he adds "A thousand dollars each and front row seats for the XLVII Superbowl if you and your friend will dance like that for me."
Well if you're a huge football fan you just don't turn down offers like that! The outfits he made us wear though were even tackier than Han Lee's dammit!
With apologies to Two Broke Girls
"But Max, I am paying you and you are doing nothing?"
Mr Han Lee knew there had to be something wrong with my argument but he loved the increased business
Ever since the television cameras came to film us while we worked, new customers have poured in to be extras for the television series. They are so keen the television company doesn't have to pay them and Caroline and I make sure they buy lots of food and coffee to keep their tables or they are out the door.
So everyone is happy. The film company for cheap extras, Mr Han Lee for more big spending customers and I'm happy 'cos they're good tippers - dammit!
These newest fans though are something else!
"If Caroline and I wait on tables all we get is our wage from Mr Han Lee plus tips. So when the new fans say "We'll pay you to let us dress as you and do your job." what could I say? A boy waitress I might be but money is money and while not a gay icon I couldn't resist- Dammit!
With apologies to Two Broke Girls
So Caroline was going on about being broke and needing new shoes and I got really angry…
"Why don't you do what I do and go to the thrift shops to buy things?"
"Because you look like you buy them in thrift shops, that's why! Beside I bet you don't buy everything from thrift shops - what about your panties; what about those boots you're wearing now?"
Well Caroline had me there - the boots I mean - so I had to admit I'd got them new for $30 from a shop three blocks over from Han Lee's restaurant. Naturally she had to go there and 'right now' which is why we're walking home this way and the story came out.
"I'm not into boots and always used to wear sneakers. That's what I was wearing the day I was going for an interview with Mr Han Lee." The two of us crossed the road at this point, Caroline with a hand at the top of my back guiding me like any girl would another girl. There are times when I wish I could tell her that I'm a boy but if I did I'd lose my job, lose my flat and I must admit lose the best friend I've ever had because I've never had such good times as since I got this job and Caroline and I became what she calls BFFs
On the other side of the road I continued my story. "It was on the way to Han Lee's that I saw the shop. I wouldn't have gone in but my feet were getting wet through the holes in the bottom of my sneakers which I knew in any case weren't the thing for an interview. I needed the job so badly that I'd have spent everything I had to boost my chances and in I went…"
I paused in my tale because I was going to have to phrase things carefully so Caroline didn't guess I was a boy. "It's a nice shop though a bit old-style. Got one of those tinkly bells on the door which I like. Anyway, that day when the bell rang this oldish, silver-haired guy came out with a friendly smile - not like the smarmy boys you get in lots of places. He asked what he could do to help and all I could see were women's boots so I explained that I wanted something to help me pass a job interview."
There was only a block to go now as I wound up my story. "He disappears under the counter reappearing with a pair of knee-high, black wedge-heeled boots saying that a bit of extra height always goes down well at an interview and I was just made for these boots. It was an odd way of phrasing it but when I tried them they were so immediately comfortable I just had to have them!"
What I didn't tell Caroline was that like many boys I'm sensitive about being short and it felt wonderful to be 3" taller although the deciding point was that even though they were women's boots the wedge heels hardly showed at all as heels under a pair of trousers.
"Well I didn't have enough money for any new boots so I'm going to try to do some deal with him when nice as you like he says the boots were out of fashion and if I hadn't come in he was going to drop them off at the thrift shop so that's how I got new boots but at the thrift shop price of $30."
That's when we arrived at the shop and I looked up at the gold on varnished wood sign Henry Harrelson's Custom Fit Boots. The bell tinkled as we entered and Henry Harrelson appeared with a warm smile for us both
"Max, it's so good to see you and looking so well"
"Thank you Mr Harrelson I am feeing very well too. I got the job and this is my workmate Caroline who is interested in some new boots - I wonder what style would she fit? In my case you seemed to have found something I wouldn't normally have chosen but as soon as I put them on I knew it was a case of Not into boots but I can't resist - Dammit!"
The End
With apologies to 2 Broke Girls
This new guy starts coming into the diner making notes as he's eating then after a few weeks Caroline and I see him in this deep conflab with Mr Han Lee. To me this smells like trouble so we sweet talk Mr Han Lee until he admits that the diner is now so successful he wants to franchise it and the guy he's been talking to is this MBA expert on franchising.
Well we couldn't have that as Caroline and I would be out in the cold, just two more waitresses among thousands. We wanted our cut so a few days later when the guy comes back we get him cornered and spell out the 'facts of life'.
"Big franchises are only successful if they have a secret ingredient." Caroline explains. "Max and I are this diner's secret ingredient and we are only telling our secrets to those we are well paid to teach how to be us."
That's how Han Lee College came into being being. We have just had our first graduation ceremony and true to our word nobody but our graduates know our secrets.
Professor Caroline gets her undergraduates from the children of the disgraced business world. Boy there are lots of those and the students don't want their background known.
Me, Professor Max? Where do I recruit from? Even Caroline doesn't know that I'm a boy so I could hardly tell her that I'd come across this site on the internet called BigCloset TopShelf and posted a series of stories recruiting from those on the site who commented. The latest story is called 'Not into franchises but I couldn't resist - Dammit!'
With apologies to 2 Broke Girls