Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Mainline Deli and General Store, Augusta, New Jersey, Mid-August, 2017...
Dani had just finished cleaning both slicers and she looked up at the clock. 7:45 pm. There were almost never any customers looking for a sandwich or salads so soon to closing, and she breathed a sigh of relief. She noticed her reflection in the chrome-clad toaster on the counter as she finished cleaning. Shaking her head at the image while forgetting the distortion, she sighed again. Her relief was short-lived.
“Excuse me?”
Dani turned to find a slight looking person standing close to the meat case, eyes barely above the top.
“Yes?”
The person hesitated, prompting Dani to add,
“Can I help you….uh…?”
“Uh… it’s…”
“Would you like something?” Dani hadn’t meant to be abrupt, but she nevertheless added, ‘Young man!”
“Uh…My name is Marta.... Sigrúndóttir.” Her voice trailed off as she glanced down at the floor, leaving Dani looking around for a place to hide.
“It’s….I mean, I get that all the time.” Marta pulled back the hood on her sweatshirt, revealing a dark-brown- haired tom-boyish looking girl, or so she appeared.
“I’m sorry…we don’t get too many...”
“Strangers?” Marta’s half smile added to the lifeline she threw to Dani.
“OH…yes…strangers.”
“Uh…Will you be going to High Point in September?” Dani looked at the clock. 7:50. She grabbed a pad, but secretly hoped Marta would ask for a pre-made salad or sandwich; completely missing Marta’s nodding ‘yes.’
“How’s the tuna salad?”
“Uh…Mostly gone and sitting there since around seven this morning. Ham and cheese okay?” Dani held up one of the sandwiches from the case; likely sitting around as long as the tuna salad. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but she had promised to pick up her daughter Kiera at her sister’s promptly at 8:30.
“No…that’s okay. I can grab something up the street at the pizza place.” Marta turned to go, but Dani walked around from behind the case, attempting to wipe her hands with a towel. She went to greet Marta, but pulled back as she noticed her hands were still wet. Marta held up her hand close to her chest and waved, as if to say 'it's okay.'
“What grade are you in?” Dani looked over Marta's shoulder, as if to see all the way to the school.
“Junior year….” Marta half smiled.
“I guess I’ll see you around,” she added as she walked out, laughing softly to herself. She ambled across the parking lot and climbed into her Wrangler, glad that she had left the top off. She started it up and looked into the rear view mirror to back up, but instead stared vacantly while frowning. After a few minutes she shook her head,
“I teach Junior fucking English Literature and Composition….Why the fuck didn’t I just say I fucking teach English.” Marta looked once more at her reflection before gazing down at her flat chest.
"Well, she got that right. What the fuck is someone 'like me' teaching English Lit in East Jabib?" She drew the hood of her sweatshirt back up as if to render appearance more suitable.
“Oh fuck,” she murmured as she swung the Wrangler around. As she pulled out of the parking lot, she glanced once again at the mirror, which revealed the woman she had just talked to walking to her own car. As the image grew smaller, she grabbed a cigarette from the pack on the console, lighting it
“I don’t even know her fucking name,” she said as she took a drag from the cigarette.
Marta looked up past the roll bar to her right. With little ambient light, she noticed the sky was literally crowded with celestial light, but a saying inserted its way rudely into her thoughts.
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves,” which she completely missed in its context, allowing her to lapse into her lack of self-esteem to define the moment.
“Oh fuck,” she said as she tossed the cigarette out of the Jeep; its red spark pretty much the only light in sight as the store grew small in her side mirror. She quickly glanced downward once again, but further below.
“Well, it’s not like I know exactly what I want,” she sighed as tears streamed down her cheeks, prompting her to wipe her face with her right sleeve.
“Oh fuck,’ she said, not as an expletive so much as a cry of surrender. She pulled into the darkened vacant lot about two miles from the store and parked the Jeep, turning off the lights, and leaving her practically bathed in starlight. Marta looked up at the sky once again before resting her head on the steering wheel as she sobbed; her cries occasionally interrupted with her condemnation of choice.
“Oh fuck me….”
In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
The home of Lisa Fernandez, an early afternoon in late August, 2017…
Dani sat at Lisa’s kitchen table. Lisa walked in and sat down.
“Kiera and Maria told to me to tell you that Kiera’s staying over,” Lisa said with a laugh and a shrug.
“Well,” Dani said as she looked down the hallway to her niece’s room.
“They are in charge." Lisa nodded. Two near-twin eleven-year-old cousins who asked for so very little merited at least a nod, even if their moms did indulge them now and then. Two military widows so to speak; single moms who still refused to lapse into self-pity.
“Mommy wants to know when you’ll come by,” Lisa raised her left eyebrow ever so slightly in anticipation of Dani’s usual reply.
“How about you take Kiera there when you and Maria go?” Dani looked away, expecting a rebuke.
“Sure, Dee… You know…”
“I know. She’s not ready. I get it. But after five years, Leesy? It hurts. After everything?”
“She loves you, Dee… She’s just set in her ways. And yes, I know that her telling me to tell you that she still loves you can’t make everything all better.”
“It’s not like all this…” Dani paused and looked all around, as if to see outside and past time and space.
“None of this was new…It only changed…” Dani gasped. After six years, the pain of widowhood still poked her heart at all-too-inopportune moments.
“I get so confused about it all and then I feel guilty about Kiera. She doesn’t deserve this.” As if to compound her guilt, Dani patted her chest hard.
“Stop that this instant. Kiera is so blessed, and if you quit beating yourself up, you’d know it. Hell. All I have to deal with is that Maria’s Dad decided he wanted to stay in Germany. He comes home more often now, so I’m only an Air Force widow through re-enlistment.” Lisa bit her lip and sighed,
“Dani? Sis? You lost the love of your life.”
“Kiera lost her mom, Leese…there’s no making up for that.”
“She still has you, Dee. She lost Angela and that will never change…I get that.”
“She should never have been over there. I….”
“What? It was her choice to re-up. Thank God you came home or I’d be taking care of my niece on a permanent basis, and God knows I love her, but she’s your girl… You’re her mom.”
“I…I know. It’s just…”
“You look back and wonder if you chose the right path? Fuck, Dee. You chose that path even before Kiera was even born.”
“I...I know. But between missing Angela and everything else?”
“What does your therapist say? I know she never tells you anything, but what does she help you pull out of there?” Lisa leaned over and tapped Dani’s forehead.
“I was already where I was at before we had Kiera, and Angela’s death didn’t change things.” Dani paused and looked down at her body.
“But…”
“But nothing., Dee. You’re where you’re supposed to be and you’re who you’re supposed to be. And that’s that.”
“I…I guess…”
“I know, sis. I know. But I also know that being a widow makes everything difficult. It is absolutely fucking hard not to feel guilty. But you have done such a great job. You’ve hung in there. You just finished your last clinical, and come October you’ll be working full time at Newton General.”
“I…I don’t know what I…what me and Kiera would have done if it weren’t for you and Maria… I feel like such a burden.”
“Stop it, Dee. You have never been and never will be a burden to me.” She leaned closer again and gave Dani a quick hug.
“Mom?”
Maria called as she and Kiera walked down the hall toward the kitchen. Kiera waved and interjected.
“Before you ask, Aunt Lisa, yes, we cleaned Maria’s room. We’re bored.” Maria nodded.
“Hey…I’ve got an idea,” Lisa stood up and urged Dani to join her.
“You’ve got the whole day off. I worked overnight at the hospital. It’s only what?” Lisa glanced at the kitchen clock.
“Not even Two-thirty? Let’s get cleaned up and then we should all get our nails done?” Dani started to shake her head. Kiera walked over and rubbed Dani’s arm.
“Please?”
“Yeah, sis. Girl’s Day out.” Lisa said and she gestured for Maria to join in,
“Oh, please, Aunt Dee?”
“Yeah, please? Kiera repeated. Dani looked around, searching for a way out, and Kiera spoke again, adding one final word that sealed the deal.
“Mommy?” Dani smiled at her daughter, feeling entirely convinced in the moment, entirely blessed and entirely unworthy, but nevertheless relented.
“Okay.”
“Can we…” Maria began to speak and Lisa waved her off, but added,
“Yes we can go to Panera’s,” which earned cheers as the girls ran back to Maria’s room to get ready. Lisa stepped close to Dani and drew her into a hug. She kissed Dani’s ear and spoke softly.
“I am so damned proud of you, Sis. Hang in there. Good things are coming.” She squeezed Dani’s shoulders before walking down the hall to her bedroom. The kitchen grew quiet and Dani walked to the table by the front door to grab her purse. She glanced sideways and noticed her reflection in the antique lead and crystal mirror over the table.
In what seemed like a lifetime ago she had pretty much purged certain words from her vocabulary for the sake of her daughter. But some things we tell ourselves, even things we know aren’t true or helpful, still demand certain words. Dani stared at her reflection and had little strength to reach into her psychic toolbox to fend off the lies and just muttered under her breath,
“Oh fuck me…”
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Meanwhile... not too far away...
The curtains were drawn, allowing only a bit a privacy, since Marta’s undue shame seemed to glare at her like a searchlight on a watchtower. She lay back in the recliner; likely the only soft thing remaining in her life. She shook her head in disappointment. Looking at her body, she mostly knew that everything that still remained in and on her worked, so to speak, even if they didn’t cooperate.
“Oh…” she whimpered at the thought of paying herself attention; however many number of attempts over the past few days, she had lost track. She surveyed the ink on her chest. It might be viewed as ornate and colorful and pretty, had it graced a canvas or a mural. But on her body, the beauty of what had been added still had yet to ease the lack underneath the art.
“Fuck…” she gasped in frustration as she withdrew her hand from her sex. Nothing that her doctors were forced to take in haste was supposed to affect what remained. She grabbed the glass of Merlot and sipped it. “Ladylike,” she would repeatedly remind herself. No longer with womb, was she ever again to be ladylike?
“Christ almighty, I look like a fucking boy….” She sat up and poured another glass of wine. Downing half of it, she placed the glass on the table before easing back down into the recliner.
It’s been said many times that only men get off on visual clues. Certainly that’s not true, but Marta struggled with her body’s reluctance, and she found herself trying to see something. As much as the sex had been good between her and her ex-husband, his arrogance ruined any fantasy she might envision.
She shook her head no and closed her eyes, but merely to try to hear instead of see. When was the last time someone said something nice and remotely erotic? Her ex had ceased proclaiming his love long before cancer stole his wife while leaving behind a barren pod person, he had complained.
Further back or going forward, no words came to mind and she forced herself to access her visual catalog. Lesbian porn seemed so soulless. Anything romantic that flashed across her inner eye was mocking; hurtful.
“FUCK…I hate myself…” She muttered. Reaching out almost blindly, she managed to knock over both glass and bottle, sending them both spilling onto the floor. She struggled to get up, but between her semi-stupor and the recliner refusing to cooperate, she fell back.
The darkness that had only a short while ago been protecting now seemed to reinforce her loneliness. In the quiet, a soft voice seemed to speak to her lack somehow. Unfamiliar yet inviting. Friendly if completely blind.
“Can I help you?”
That the question ended assuming who she was, somehow the voice still pulled feelings out of her that were long presumed dead. The face matching the voice swept across the darkness. Perhaps it was the wine? Perhaps it was the need to be known?
She touched herself; tentative at first, but probing and petting. Her left hand caressed her chest, almost as if the feelings came from a ghost breast that remained connected to her being.
“Fuck oh fuck…” The face leaned closer; kissing her neck. Licking her ear. Wiping away her tears with a gentle tongue. Lips that drank in her person. Savoring. Luxuriating
“FUCK…”
She was silent but the intensity of the emotion screamed in her head, while all along whispering to her heart. Her hips rose to accept the attention of her hand and she sobbed in relief as she came. Slowly she eased back down and turned her head to the side,
“We don’t get too many strangers.” She recalled. Marta remembered or at least hoped it was true that the voice did not quite fit the awkward words. And just maybe the face might not be as pretty as she remembered, but pretty in one way or another to recall through much more than a passing thought.
“Oh….” Marta moaned; her euphoria waned once more with regret and even some guilt, as she said aloud,
“I don’t even know her name,” her words almost pausing for effect like an artillery round, the guilt and shame hit its intended target as she said much louder,
“I don’t even know her fucking name.” Her denouement ended with her rolling on her side, pulling into a fetal position as she sobbed, all the while repeating,
‘I don’t even know her name.”
In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Dani's home...
Sweetie?” Dani paused and hit speaker before placing her cell on the kitchen counter.
“Kiera? It’s okay, Nana can drop you off at Aunt Lisa’s tomorrow. I’ll pick you up right after work. Or maybe we can order in something…. I don’t know, okay?” Dani shook her head at the abruptness of her words.
“Sorry,” Kiera’s voice was barely audible. Dani picked up the phone and tapped the speaker off. She drew the phone close and spoke.
“No. honey. I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll call Lisa and maybe we can plan for something tomorrow afternoon. What? Come before Nana goes home? Uh… maybe. I’ll see if I can leave a little early. What, honey?” Dani dreaded the idea of meeting her Mom after several weeks of ‘just missing’ each other.
“Nana has something… Oh...okay.” It was a rare day when Dani’s mom wanted to talk.
“Alright… tomorrow at Aunt Lisa’s. Okay… What? Oh I love you too, sweetie… Okay see you tomorrow…bye.”
Dani clicked off the call and put the phone back on the counter. She sighed as she looked down the hall at her open bedroom door. It was at times like these when work and family were kind enough to give her a break. Except being busy was about the only thing that kept her sane.
She walked down the hall and into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. The front door was locked, and all the lights were out save for the lamp on her dresser that bathed the room in a warm glow. She stared at the double doors of the closet, her gaze slowly moving back and forth.
“It’s okay, Dee. I’m okay. Really,” the voice inside her was soothing. The tone supportive. But the reality was as harsh as ever since that welcoming only served to remind Dani of the silence in the real world that repeatedly pointed out to her of what and who no longer graced her life.
“Go ahead. It’s okay,” the other voice said. If Angela was the angel on her shoulder, then the voice that escaped her own lips had to be a devil, yes? Ironic that her name was almost an accusation. Danielle? God is my judge? Nothing her mother ever said to her in well-meaning misunderstanding could ever bring accusations as harsh as those Dani spoke to herself.
But her voice today didn’t accuse. Her voice was almost as soothing as Angela’s in a way. She’d soon come to understand that what she was and how she lived was fine with the creator of the universe. That those things she was speaking to herself were not at all wrong, but rather were exactly what she needed to hear.
“Oh…I…” she spoke as softly to herself as she was able. She walked to the dresser and placed her hand on it to steady herself. She used her right foot to ease her left shoe off and vice-versa until she stood with hose-covered feet on the carpet. She eased her jeans off and stepped out of them before backing away from the dresser.
“I’m…I’m so sorry…” She raised her head and looked up in a prayer of pre-remorse as she threw off the sweater and blouse, leaving her in bra and pantyhose. Stepping up to the closet, she shook her head. “The Lady or the Tiger?” But the dilemma wasn’t in the choices she had but instead that no matter what she chose, she still would be wrong, she would tell herself. At least that’s what her therapist would pull out of her.
“I… “ even that word was almost condemning. Did she really expect to be happy after Angela died? Did she even have a right to be herself? I…ego…eimi…. I am. Was she? She slid the right door open and stared at the clothing. Lisa had stopped reminding Dani about the closet; recalling that her own therapist was helping her to understand that grief is not on the clock or the calendar.
“I…” So selfish. But there is a vital element of self-preservation in a widow’s selfishness. She surveyed the contents of the side of the closet. Several of Angela’s uniforms hung like a memorial to her sacrifice. But the rest of the clothes belied that edgy presentation. Several dresses hung in colorful array. Sensuous… Inviting. The part of Angela that came out in fun times away from obligation and duty.
“NO…no…” Dani slid the door closed before opening the other side. The sensibly sane and dutiful Dani shook her head at the mufti of her life. Not unattractive, but still with slacks and gauzy dresses that shouted Mom even if she barely spoke that about herself. She put her hand to her chin in though before reaching slightly up to cover her face.
“Oh fuck,” she gasped as she slip her own door closed and reopened Angela’s side once again.
“I….” her apology was accompanied by tears as she reached in and grabbed a hanger. Almost destined to step out onto a dance floor at some club. The grayish blue of the cocktail dress shimmered even in the subdued light of the lamp on the dresser.
“I…” she repeated as she tried to protest but ten or so minutes later she was walking down the hall on three inch stilettos, almost a sashay emboldened by the weed she had smoked just a short while ago.
Was it really so bad to want to be like her late wife? No mirror on the way to the living room to urge inspection, nor leave time enough for recriminating glances. She stopped at the kitchen just long enough to retrieve the bottle of Chablis she had started. Once a week wasn’t bad at all. Once every two or three weeks was super, wasn’t it?
“Oh…” She said in near-comfort as she settled into the sofa recliner; the silk rubbing up against her hose. She shuddered once before pouring her first glass of the day. It was okay to want to be Angela. Wasn’t it? The beautiful one? The brave one? Dani closed her eyes.
“Uh…” the mutter barely escaped her lips as she brushed the silk aside to touch her left nipple. The sensation was pleasurable enough but quickly faded away as faces swept across her mind. Angela was her template, wasn’t she? Angela was…bi…wasn’t she?
Dani imagined herself standing in the middle the nightclub where they first met. Angela's cousin had been the final piece of the double date from hell. He was polite enough but how can a plain-Jane compete with a Chica in a very tight red dress?
“Oh…” Dani hated this… her psyche torn between the image of her then-future wife and the stud with all the moves. She settled on the vision of the guy, and soon it was a dream of Dani in the red dress being grabbed and kissed by the date who had abandoned her.
“Oh…” she moaned; more in a great deal of frustration. Being her own wife, even if only in futile imagination was difficult enough. Angela was bi. Dani wanted to be Angela, so….” She shook her head no. As much in revulsion as in a guilty feeling of betraying Angela’s memory. Her right hand slipped under her pantyhose to touch softly in hopes of retrieving the moment. She opened her eyes and reached over. Downing the rest of the glass of wine, she closed her eyes once again.
Oh…ohh... “ a sob escaped her lips as Angela’s face loomed before her. To make love to a ghost all the while being the ghost? The inauthentic embracing the original? The frustration grew even as her motion also intensified. Angela’s face only seemed to shout no. Not a rebuke but a caution.
Dani’s hand touched her right nipple even as she began again below; softer and slower. As if Angela had once again come to her to remind her that to be Dani was more than enough. Angela’s face faded away; a gentle exit of odd encouragement, but what and where did that leave Dani”
“Oh…” she gasped in frustration. Every previous attempt had led to reading or watching something that left her guilty and even incomplete. She opened her eyes to see the empty glass, but with the bottle out of her reach. Closing her eyes once again she tried to think of something non-visual….her nature all along, but something began to appear before her…Someone…
“Oh…” she gasped as a face materialized. Features not so much hardened as wizened? But soft as well in a way. The lips were full enough, but almost plain; unadorned. The eyes were piercing. Compelling… Demanding in a way. Dani’s movements remained gentle but grew quicker.”
“OH,” she exclaimed without sound. In her mind’s eye she reached up to stroke the short course hair that barely framed the face…that face. A word came quickly to mind….’stranger.’
“Oh god.”
The ethereal and the corporeal collided as the face leaned close to grace Dani with a kiss. Both of her hands now below, as one of them felt like it was not her own. She began to sob hysterically as everything came to a crescendo, but not merely with music but an almost blinding light.
“OH GOD!” She screamed aloud as everything seemed to come to a crashing halt. She lay there unable to move other than the heaving of her chest; gasping for air. The room was almost dark from the closed blinds that hid a moonless sky, with the eerie faint glow of the lamp in her bedroom down the hallway the only light. She rose unsteadily before kicking off her heels.
“I….” her apologies returned as she stopped halfway down the hall. Pulling open a folding closet door, she stripped completely bare and placed the offendingclothes in the washer. Ironically setting the wash to delicate and cold. She walked slowly back to the bedroom. Reaching into her side of the closet, she pulled out one of the few sensible items left behind by her late wife; a cotton lined floor-length mint green nightgown. The softness of the cotton almost felt like a hug of protection.
“I…” She lay down on top of the bed, not bothering to disturb the bedclothes other than to pull one of the pillows close in a barely-comforting embrace. As she arranged her gown, her left hand brushed against the still erect organ underneath. And she began to cry.
“I...I’m…” she began with a soft whimper. Angela would tell Dani if she could that she had done nothing wrong. It was okay to be herself in whatever manner she chose. Mother? Sister? Friend? All were left to be defined by Dani and no one else.
“Oh god…” she spoke a little louder; her loneliness assuaged only a bit by knowing Angela would understand. But guilt...even unmerited guilt...often comes in threes? She needed to recall that she did not betray herself. And she did not betray the love of her life. But the third wave?
“Oh god no…” She began to sob. Betrayal? Hardly. But more confusion and selfishness in the midst of everything else in her life? She hadn’t meant to but when she began to sob, the gasps were almost gentle… measured… soothing.
There…that idea of soothing. She didn’t deserve to be comforted? She closed her eyes reflexively and the face that brought so much ecstasy only a short while ago seemed to accuse by its very presence.
“Oh fuck.. Oh fuck.” Dani hit her thigh in anger as the face became clearer. Someone she hardly knew. A stranger. A very attractive stranger. But she shook her head before hugging the pillow tighter; her sobbing deep enough to shake the bed as she said just once before crying herself to sleep,
“I don’t even remember her name. Dear god, I don’t remember her name.”
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
A Wednesday in late September at the office of Rosemarie Soriano, Newton, New Jersey…
Marta sat on the love seat; an irony both she and Rosemarie had joked about recently. She wore black jeans and an iridescent green rayon sleeveless top. And a nervous smile.
“You mentioned in your text that you had some good news?” Rosemarie leaned only a bit closer. Marta’s smile turned into a pensive frown as she looked away slightly.
“It’s okay to change how you feel, right?” Marta nodded at the near-monthly mantra.
“I… I quit my job.” She looked away once again.
“That had to be difficult. You moved to Sussex just for the teaching?” Rosemarie knew the answer but it was vital for Marta to explain, if only for herself.
“Home…too many… not enough good memories. I told you that.”
“Yes you did. But here… the choice to move to this area? What did you say last time? That nobody was ready for…”
“I miscalculated,” Marta laughed. She eyed her purse, wanting a cigarette, but noticed the unopened pack of Nicorette almost taunting her.
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will she miss me if I go?
“They said the feelings were mutual… that I didn’t fit in. Imagine that? My cousin in Florida said this about her state, but it’s true for this fucking place. ‘The further north you travel, the more Southern it gets.’ Can’t get much more Southern than kids wearing red hats and driving monster trucks with the fucking Stars and Bars, right?”
“You had hoped…” Rosemarie could rattle off several of Marta’s hopes, but today’s disappointment required definition by Marta’s ‘what hurts the worst’ ruined hope.
“I really thought I could make a difference.” She closed her eyes and remembered a timid teen who grew alive in the pages of Bronte and Austen. The same pretty girl who hoped to impart every bit of meaning into the lives of girls like her.
“Some fucking miscalculation. Dyke loses battle of wits to Neanderthal administration.” She wanted to throw something. Rosemarie handed her a pillow which Marta punched once before continuing.
“I’m truly sorry, but just the idea of you even having the temerity to talk with a girl….after class. Fuck. She left school because she fucking asked me about her fucking Dad’s….”
“You showed her kindness and they took it all wrong.”
“The girl is about as straight as it comes, but you know kids? Like fucking sharks to blood. She and her Mom moved to her aunt’s house in Islip.” Marta gasped, remembering her own high school hell.
“I was a long term sub and they never gave me a contract.” Marta sighed. Rosemarie knew that the school was border-line in violating law, but the county in many places was mired in the last century. Marta was bi and that was that, with the appropriately non-discriminatory damning paper trail.
“It’s like Dave all over again.” Marta was never given to self-pity. The school rejected her for what they saw rather than seeing her for who she is. Her ex forgot the woman he married when the cancer took away much of what he expected.
“And yes, Doctor. It’s just one more time I set myself up for failure.” Marta hit her right leg hard, ignoring the pillow.
“No. I don’t think so. Your interview went…how did you put it?”
“Surprisingly well. But then the head of the Department had to take time off for more chemo of her own. How fucking ironic is that? And suddenly there’s a fucking pharaoh who didn’t know Josephine?”
“Your support went away. You were abandoned in a strange land, Marta. You didn’t sabotage. You were…” Rosemarie needed her to identify the feeling if she had any hope of moving on.
“Betrayed. But you know what? That wasn’t my fault. And I am not going to stop hoping.” She winced at her words. When she was driving over, every bit of her screamed ‘let’s talk about the face…the one who’s name I never fucking learned.’
“Betrayed but undaunted? Once more unto the breach? Shakespeare never really got a handle on women. Henrietta the Fifth? We few? We happy few? We band of sisters?”
“Fuck yeah!” Marta started to laugh, and the face seemed to fill her vision as she closed her eyes.
“Fuck yeah….”
“I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, Marta. Now let’s do some containment for any emotion you might be feeling…
That Friday at the office of Alicia Wu, Therapist, Hamburg, New Jersey…
Dani felt the slight tremor in her right hand as she gripped her left wrist nervously.
“I noticed that you seem to be coping well since you were weaned off the other meds. The bio-feedback you did with your neurologist has really helped." Dani nodded, but her expression looked discouraged.
“You want to pick up where we left off?” Their time had been intense, but fruitful.
“Just that I’ve been able to be sad but not guilty.”
“Angela is…grinning? Is that what you said?
“Yes. I…” Even at that liberating thought, tears still fell freely. Dani wiped her face with her sleeve.
“She understands, I guess that’s what it means. She always said I took things much more serious than her.”
“So she… what did you say last time?”
“She…a…approves.” Dani looked down at herself. She was slowly moving away from comparing herself to her late wife, but her image still took an occasional self-beating.
“You look pretty today,” Alicia remarked. It was certainly true, and definitely necessary to note.
“I…thank you. I don’t feel pretty.” Dani sighed.
“It’s hard after so many years of doubt. And without your sister’s support, it would have been much harder.”
“Alicia? Can you give me an opinion for a change?” Dani laughed at the thought. Any opinions Alicia might have only came out in a way in the answers her questions evoked.
“Sure. I can’t promise it will help,” Alicia echoed Dani’s laughter.
“I…You….” Dani stammered as she looked down in surveillance. Tears began to fall once again.
“You want me to tell you what I think about your decision…” Alicia paused, but Dani remained silent.
“You never had anything done …’below' was your word? Up top, yes, but you’re wondering if that still makes you Daniel?” At the mention of her dead-name Dani gasped.
“I only said that because it’s something you think about a lot. Right?”
“Ye…yesss.”
“The decision wasn’t yours alone?” Alicia already knew the answer, but it was important given how the session had begun.
“An…Angela …she said I was still her wife….”
“And in that light, instead of my opinion, what do you suppose Angela would say if she was here? What would her opinion be?
“I….” Dani’s eye’s pleaded for a moment to reflect. The still tenacious tendency to seek approval….to get the answer right.
“She loved who you are, Danielle. The person she adored. The woman she chose. The other mother to her child.” Alicia smiled warmly; her expression leaving room for Dani to reflect before answering.
“I don’t even remember… Did I ever even consider?” Dani looked ‘down below.’
“You both chose this path. It’s hard to recall just how good it must have been…”
“No…please…Alicia? Please?”
“I won’t ask, but you’ve asked yourself a thousand times. What if? Isn’t that what you said a while back?”
“I never wanted…want to be a father.” Dani snapped; more angry at herself than anything Alicia had said to that point.
“I know, Danielle. But that’s just it. You were always destined to be a mother.” Dani looked at herself again.
“It was never what you were or weren’t, was it? What did Angela write…” Alicia did not need to add ‘the last time.’ Dani began to sob. Sometimes the greatest expressions of love leave the deepest scars when the dearest depart.
“My Spanish is more than a bit rusty, but I have it written on the inside front of your folder.” Dani shook her head no even as every bit of her screamed to hear Angela’s words. Alicia took a deep breath and spoke.
“Cuida a nuestra hija, mi querida dulce esposa. Sé que lo harás porque Dios te hizo ser una mama.” Alicia closed the folder and smiled.
Dani gasped.
“A sweet wife? God indeed intended all along for you to be a Mommy, Dani. That’s what she said because that is what love led Angela to believe about you...what you struggle to see yourself, yes?”
Dani stared off to her left; the visage of her late wife finally convincing with that precious grin of hers. She turned and faced Alicia and nodded slowly. Alicia smiled and nodded back, leaving Dani to do what someone who has finally learned she is lovable can only do. Dani turned slightly to her left and buried her face in the large soft pillow cushion of the love seat and sobbed in relief.
In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Radiography Department, Newton Medical Center, a late Friday evening in November…
Marta waited in the wheelchair, her left arm resting in her lap. She touched her wrist gingerly, hoping things weren’t as bad as she feared, but she winced in pain anyway. She barely managed the drive to the ER after falling in her driveway slipping on an early frost while taking out the recyclables.
“Ow…oh fuck,” she said, failing miserably in trying to whisper. She heard footsteps from behind her but couldn’t manage to release the chair’s brakes to turn.
“Best try to be as still as possible. I’m sorry. That has to be painful.” The woman technician said from behind. Marta was tempted to reply ‘Oh, really?’ but something in the woman’s voice disarmed what little sarcasm she could manage.”
“That bundle of nerves isn’t very forgiving. My daughter tore a tendon in her wrist last year, and I remember even now how hurt she was.” That voice was taking all the fun out of Marta’s self-pity, leaving her to wonder what to do now that she was hearing someone who cared.
“I know this is already hard. I’ll wheel you to the table, but we’ll take it slow, okay?”
“Okay,” Marta said softly. It had been quite some time since she had been in a hospital, and she looked down at her body reflexively.
“Here, I’ll let you release the brakes on the chair so you don’t get jarred more than you have to, okay?” The woman walked around and faced Marta and smiled.
“Oh…okay.” Had Marta been this timid ever in her lifetime? She looked up and noticed the woman was still smiling; the expression seemed to comfort and assure in a way she had only experienced once in her life.
“Put your right hand under your wrist. Don’t grip. Use it to bear all of your arm’s weight. Put your right hand on the table and slide it out slowly, okay? I’m afraid that after that, I’ll have to move your arm to position it for the pics. I’ll be as gentle as possible, okay?”
“Oh…okay,” Marta said. As the woman moved Marta’s arms, she tried to distract herself, and the woman’s smile once again reminded of another gentle moment in the midst of her long history of pain…
Tattoo Ya, Jersey City, years before…
“You’re about as brave as anybody I’ve ever met, Marta. I’ll be as gentle as I can. I know this is hard, but we’ll get through this together. And we can stop as many times as it takes.”
“Yes… I guess you’ve done this enough to know… “ Marta pulled off her loose top, revealing the flat canvas of her chest. Her face reddened and tears welled in her eyes.
“How much it hurts? Oh gosh yes,” The woman set her tattoo gun down on the small table next to Marta’s chair. She touched Marta’s arm and rubbed it gently like a mother comforting her daughter.
“I’m not brave at all. If I could sleep through this I would... but I guess you have to ask questions.”
“Oh, honey… After the hurt you’ve been through? This doesn’t have to be done in a day. We can take as much time as you need.” Nancy smiled, but her face seemed to reflect more that the fear Marta expressed.
“I can’t afford the whole thing today. Maybe I should come back?” Marta looked away. The embarrassment of the moment tried awfully hard to mask the shame beneath. Nancy touched Marta’s cheek gently, wiping away the tears.
“First, sweetie? You don’t owe me a thing. My work with you is my way of paying it forward, okay?”
“You don’t have to…”
“It’s part of who I am. You have been through so much already. Whatever I can do to ease things?" She touched Marta’s face again. Marta winced. Instead of pulling away, Nancy leaned closer and kissed Marta’s cheek. As sensual as the moment might have been in any other context, the kiss was about as sisterly as it could be. Nancy pulled back a bit and smiled through her own tears.
“It’s going to be okay, Marta,” She didn’t have to add the words ‘trust me,’ since Nancy’s smile conveyed a security that was followed by the greatest act of kindness Marta would ever know.
“Here?” Nancy said as she pulled off her blouse, revealing the tapestry of her own life. She patted her vividly decorated chest and smiled again.”
“I know, sweetie. I know.” Marta’s eyes widened in wonder as she looked back and forth between her unadorned chest and the masterpiece Nancy’s lack had become.
“I know, sweet girl.” Nancy eased her chair close to Marta and opened her arms wide. Marta’s lips pursed a bit as she searched for words that would somehow convey what she was feeling.
“I…I…” was all she could manage before she fell into Nancy’s arms and sobbed. Nancy kissed Marta on the cheek once again and rubbed her back.
“It’s going to be okay, sweet girl…shhhhh. Shhhh…”
“Okay, Miss. All through. We’ll get you back to the ER and the attending will talk with you.” The woman smiled.
“We’re through? I hardly felt a thing.”
“You did cry only a bit, but with that kind of pain? Like I said, my daughter hurt her wrist.”
“I don’t even remember you moving my arm. You’re good.”
“Well, to be honest, you seemed very distracted and I’m glad for that. Anyway, someone will be by in a few. I’m glad to be of help.” The woman offered her hand.
“I’m Dani.” She said, pointing to her name tag..
Danielle Fernandez-Diaz
“Mm…Marta...Marta Wallin,” was all she could manage before a very happy looking orderly walked in. When they met the first time she used her email persona. Sigrúndóttir.
“Thhh…thank you,” Marta managed to say as she was wheeled out.
“You're…you're welcome” Dani said. She stared at the empty doorway and sighed without knowing why.
Back at Marta’s apartment, early Friday morning…
Marta lay flat on her back on the couch. Much of the pain had abated between the ice pack on her severely sprained wrist and her second glass of Merlot and the Extra-Strength Tylenol. She was glad that she refused the pain meds from the ER.
Leaning closer to the coffee table, she eyed the remote, but infomercials at 4:12 in the morning just held no appeal. She laid back and placed her right arm over her face, blocking what little light emanated from the kitchen range hood.
She closed her eyes as the sight and sounds of the past ten or so hours flooded her brain. Perseverative thoughts will do that. Just when she thought the slide show was over, one final image clicked in front of her – the Radio-Graphic tech…the kind face to go with an even kinder voice. The face that didn't fit the memory...in the hospital and in a delicatessen, she would recall later.
And a name to go with both face and voice. She opened her eyes and suddenly sat up, sending the ice pack flying to the floor as she winced only somewhat from the pain but more than just a bit from realization.
“Oh fuck,” she said to herself as the face became all too familiar.
“Her name is Dani. Oh fuck,” she said out loud.
“Dani.”
Quik Chek, Newton, NJ, 8:37 Saturday morning…
Dani sat in her Outback sipping her large coffee; dark and no sugar if you please. No need to hurry home. Kiera was at Aunt Lisa’s and they weren’t all going to the movies until late afternoon. And the dreaded meeting with her mom was postponed until next Saturday. She tilted back her seat and closed her eyes. Just for a few moment she said to herself, but she quickly nodded off.
“Mm…Marta.” The woman in the mini-dream seemed nice enough. As her vision became clearer, so did the familiarity tempered by time. Gone was the hooded sweatshirt and the near buzz cut, replaced by a soft knit cream top and pixie hair cut. The picture immediately grew out of focus, only to be replaced by the view of her car’s moon roof. She eased her seat back to upright and downed the remains of her now cold coffee as a smile crossed her face.
“Her name is Marta.” She wanted to grab her cell phone to call Alicia but she remembered her therapist was in Vancouver visiting her family. Lisa and the girls might be up, but it was probably a good idea to let Lisa sleep in. Dani instead just closed her eyes once again. The new picture returned swiftly as she spoke the name once again to go with the face.
“Marta,” she said before she started to giggle a bit like a little girl.
“Her name is Marta.”
It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.
Late December at Dani's home...
Kiera sat at the kitchen table. Papers intruded on her laptop, with a photo album set to the side.
“Mom? Can you help me?” she asked almost timidly.
“Sure, but tell me you don’t have something due tomorrow.” Dani sighed, immediately regretting her words, since Kiera was looking almost sad. She grabbed her coffee from the counter and sat down next to Kiera.
“I’m sorry, bebe… What do you need?”
“It’s… this isn’t due til after Christmas… It’s just…” She opened the photo album and pointed to Dani and Angela’s wedding photo. A pair of Latinas in short skirts with champagne glasses raised in a self toast. Dani winced, remembering the day and the accompanying doubts.
“Why did Mommy Angela leave us?” Kiera grabbed Dani’s arm, as if to plead for the impossible.
“Did she stop loving us?”
“Oh, honey, no…no. She loved you very much.” Did Dani still wonder for her own sake?
“What did I do to make her want to go away? Was she ever going to come back?” Kiera choked back a sob. Over six years and counting since Dani received the news, and even now she could hardly understand the whys and wherefores of a decision Angela had made on her own.
“She was coming back, honey.” Angela indeed was set to return, hopefully for good, but she took a sideways journey into eternity when her Helo crashed just after takeoff. It hurt even more since she was only days away from coming home.
“But why did she go? Aunt Lisa and you were talking about it and you said she didn’t have to go.”
“She… I think she thought she…I don’t know, Kier…” Dani looked away, feeling helpless to provide her own answers, much less her daughter’s. But she remembered their last call.
Gotta run, bebe. Tell Baby Girl I love her, okay? And tell yourself that, too. I miss you. I’m sorry. I… I love you…. All of you! Maybe we can… Kiera’s last letter asked me if we are…you know? We are, aren’t we?
Dani breathed out a very heavy sigh. Who now would want a freak like her? Angela and she had realized early on that Daniel was only part of who Danielle had become, but he was a big part of her wife’s acceptance… that nothing was written in stone, and that they lived their lives exactly as they chose.
“I miss her, Mom….Do you miss her?” KIera stared into Dani’s eyes, almost afraid of being alone in her eleven-year-old’s grief. That look was too much for Dani to bear, and she put her hand to her face and sobbed.
“I….I miss your Mom so much, Kiera. I…" She shook her head in apology.
“I…I’m sorry that I don’t say it enough.”
“It’s okay, Mommy. We can miss her together, okay?” Kiera rubbed Dani’s arm, almost acting like a parent to her own mother.
“Is it okay for me to….can I cry, too?” Of course it was okay. Dani leaned close and pulled her daughter into a hug. It was so hard to figure out how she fit into the scheme of things, but she was Kiera’s mom, even if she had fathered her. Just the thought of the precious gift in Dani's arms sent her into wracking sobs as the two consoled each other.
The office of Rosemarie Soriano, Newton, New Jersey, Friday afternoon...
Marta sat on the couch opposite her therapist. She wore black slacks and a cream sweater over a sheer ecru camisole. Her hair was still on the short side but almost cute, leaving her no longer boyish but still looking almost half of her thirty-four years. Rosemarie smiled and spoke.
“It really sounds like things are looking brighter lately? Would that be a good way of putting it?
“Well, I realized after the school thing went south that I didn’t have to rush into anything…you know?” Marta smiled and Rosemarie shook her head as if to say, ‘no I really don’t know” with the obligatory tell me more’ shrug.
“I have enough saved up to explore my options…well, look for options to explore…” Marta laughed and Rosemarie smiled, but continued.
“But that’s not just it? You know we talked about how it’s okay to feel good about what might happen?”
“”I know. I’m getting better at that…There’s…” Marta looked away, almost ashamed of having a better life than her ex had tried to consign her to. She reached up and pulled her sweater off, exposing the sheer cami and her chest beneath
“I… I like this…. No… I love this….It…” She began to tear up in anticipation of the arrival of nearly completely discarded ideas about her body. Rosemarie nodded and smiled once again in encouragement.
“Go ahead, Marta, it’s a good thing to go ahead and like what you’ve already learned to love about yourself.” Marta nodded back before pulling her cami off, exposing the vivid canvas her chest had become.
“I’m honored that you trust me by showing such a personal expression of who you are becoming.”
“I think it looks okay, you know?” She eyed Rosemarie, who returned her gaze with a half- smile, evoking a calm sigh.
“I know it’s….pretty.” She bit her lip as tears cascaded down.
“You are more than okay, Marta, you know that, right?” Marta nodded as she began to sob, but her face brightened even as the tears continued to fall.
“But…” She hesitated and Rosemarie leaned just a bit closer.
“What you asked me last time? What if she doesn’t like you? You’re stronger and more sure of yourself, but there’s always that if staring you in the face.” Rosemarie nodded in acknowledgement of the importance of Marta’s concerns.
“I…. I can’t stop thinking about… her, you know?”
“Yes….it’s not easy with so many things telling you what to think and do. But my question is, are you important enough…. Is your life valuable enough to take a chance on you? You mentioned her last time…that it’s ‘almost like’ but you stopped. That it’s almost like what?”
“Uh…. It’s like it’s more about how I see myself? I guess….” Marta paused. There would be no wrong answer to any of the questions posed today, but the one right answer finally found the strength to wrap itself around her in a self-hug.
“I guess I’m worth the risk…I’m worthy of being loved? Sorry…I didn’t mean that as a question. It’s all new, but I guess I’m learning to say to myself everything I need to hear? I am lovable.
“Indeed you are, Marta…. Indeed you are.”
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
Go now!
I'd tell her that for free
Mainline Deli and General Store, Augusta, New Jersey, the next day...
Marta walked slowly to the back of the store and up to the deli counter, following the sound of a nice alto voice sing “It Could Happen to You.”
“If only,” she said to herself.
“Tuna okay?” she asked. The woman finished with “and it happened to me,” as she turned to answer.
‘Oh, gosh, Mm...Marta?” Dani remarked as she wiped her hands with a towel.
“How’s the wrist?” She directed her gaze to Marta’s arm.
“Well… Dani, right?” Dani nodded and Marta continued.
“A sprain that hurt like hell for a bit but I’m okay now.” Marta smiled awkwardly.
“I have to apologize,” Dani began.
“I realized who you were after you went back to the E R. And…” Dani shook her head.
“Dummy me….I should have said something when you came into the store. Of course you meant you were a teacher… It’s just….”
“I look like a teen age boy… I get that all the time. It’s okay.” It really wasn’t okay but Marta was so used to self-deprecation after fate changed her. She looked down at herself.
“Well, you really don’t look like a boy at all,” Dani remarked, and immediately turned red. Marta for her part still gazed downward. At one time early on she had briefly worn prostheses, but she quickly abandoned them, leaving her at least with a boyish figure.
“I’m sorry, but I really didn’t want to embarrass you. Please forgive me?” Dani bit her lip and turned away.
“No problem. It’s okay. Uh…anyway, how’s the tuna?”
“I had just prepared it before you walked in. Long roll with a bit of mayo and a slice of tomato…” Dani smiled and walked back behind the counter. She and Marta spoke at once.
“No Lettuce!”
“How did you know I don’t like lettuce?”
“Oh…” Dani laughed softly and smiled again…a disarming grin.
“My mom says I take after that character Radar in the old MASH show…like I can sense things before they happen?” Marta’s eyes squinted just a bit in question until Dani continued.
“But just now it’s because we ran out of lettuce already and the produce delivery isn’t until later. So I really don’t know what you’re thinking.
“Okay… “ Marta nodded almost absentmindedly. Dani on the other hand went to open the deli cabinet but fumbled when a vision flashed before her eyes. Marta? She didn’t look like a boy in the vision….especially with nothing on…” Dani continued to fumble with the cabinet door before finally retrieving the container of tuna salad.
Meanwhile, Marta smiled wryly and turned away, mouthing silently,
“I bet you don’t know what I’m thinking now?””
“Grab anything in the drink fridge. My treat.” Dani said as she placed the sandwich on the top of the counter.
“I’ve got to run. My shift at the hospital is later than usual so I’m meeting Lisa... my sis...for lunch at the diner. Maybe you and I could grab a coffee sometime?” She said as she hurried to the front of the store,
“Hey, Maggie? No charge for my friend? I’ll pay you guys tomorrow?” She didn’t wait for an answer and ran out the door.
“Shhh…sure,” Marta muttered as she walked up front.
“Have a nice day, miss.” The woman at the counter smiled as Marta left the store.
A short while later at Yetter's Diner…
Dani sat in her Outback and scanned the parking lot. She spotted her sister’s car parked on the other side. Grabbing her phone, she hit the preset.
“Leese? Yeah. I’m in my car outside. Give me a few. Jus… Oh, I’m okay. I just need to figure something out… Yeah…Unsweetened tea is fine… Bye.”
“Fuck,” she said in an almost sing-song. Not defiant or angry, but more like “Fuck, I can’t believe this is happening.” She looked down the road as if she could see the store far away.
“I… I think I do know what you were thinking.” Projection? Hopefully optimistic? Deluded? As difficult as things had been so frequently since Angela’s death, something stirred inside Dani. She settled for hopefully cautious.
“She’s….she’s beautiful.” As Dani closed her eyes, the same vision appeared once again, and it was accompanied by physical feelings that left Dani lapsing once again into hopelessness.
“Oh…fuck… why the fuck would any woman want me?” She muttered, forgetting completely that her late wife wanted someone…exactly like her. She allowed her head to bonk the steering wheel and she began to sob…
Meanwhile in Wantage...
Marta pulled into the library parking lot. A good interview followed by an invitation to work part-time. She wasn’t remotely wealthy; barely getting by since the debacle with the high school. But some decent investments after the divorce settlement (thank god Dave at least felt guilty as fuck) would hold her over until a permanent teaching gig appeared out of the ether.
“Yep, missy. I bet you don’t know what I’m thinking now!” Marta laughed until Dani’s face alone flashed before her eyes. In the midst of her relishing her own psychic porn, Marta felt a wave of something she hadn’t known for a long time, and then not even with her ex. Dani’s smile almost gleamed and Marta sighed as tears began to spill off her chin.
“Love? Seriously? Oh fuck!”
After a few minutes, Dani seemed to drift into a wide-awake vision. She opened her eyes and though she saw Angela somehow smiling from beyond. Her dream was jarred by tapping on her car window.
“Dani? Sweetie?” She turned to find Lisa leaning onto the car door with her hands placed on the window.
“Honey? Are you okay?” Dani pressed the window switch and began speaking even before the window fully opened.
“Leeesy… I’m such a fool. I…:”Lisa reached in and grabbed her arm.
“Dani…Shhhh….slow down…” Lisa began to massage Dani’s shoulder.
“I got worried, so looked out the door of the diner. I got us a couple of burgers and teas to go.
“Wha..what?”
“You look like you really need to talk about stuff that needs privacy. Let’s just go park by the pond up the road, okay? C’mon?” Lisa pointed to her Explorer; now parked next to Dani’s Subaru. Dani nodded and got out of her car.
“We can come back and pick up your car later, okay?” Dani got in and pulled the seatbelt closed.
“Here…” Lisa reached in and hit the recline lever, tilting Dani’s seat back.
“Let’s go to the pond. Open the windows, since there’s a nice breeze. You rest for a few and then lunch and then talk if you want?” Dani nodded once more as Lisa walked around and got in the car.
“It’s going to be okay, okay?” Lisa smiled in that way that makes you feel safe and Dani turned her face to the window.
“I’m such a fool,” she repeated herself before she was overcome by wracking sobs.
“Oh honey,” Lisa said before starting the car. As she pulled up to the diner exit, she reached over and squeezed Dani’s left hand.
“We’ll find a way, sweetie… go ahead and let it all out.”
A few minutes later they had pulled into the worn cinder parking spot by the pond. Lisa ignored the food and was sipping her tea. Dani had settled a bit and was sitting up.
“I know you know how things are. You’ve been doing so well lately, sis.” Lisa emphasized the last word, evoking a sigh from Dani.
“I…Angela wanted…this…” Dani used her hand in a broad gesture head to toe. Lisa grabbed her left arm and squeezed.
“And you didn’t? How many times did you sit in my room wearing my clothes when we were in middle school. Fuck, if Daddy had found you.. Geez, Dani, I don’t really care what you still have....” Lisa pointed to Dani’s jeans.
“Not that it should even be my business in the first place, but Angela didn’t want a boyfriend or a husband,” she shook her head, leading to yet another gasp by Dani.
“It’s not like a story, Dani. You both decided that Daniel wasn’t a part of the equation because Daniel only existed on a piece of paper. You weren’t a fetish or a fling to Angela, sis.” She stressed the last word once again.
“How that worked out downstairs worked out the way it was supposed to because you two made a beautiful child together.”
“I never...”
“What was it you said you and Alicia talked about in therapy? You two figured out early on?”
“I…it’s…”
“Come on, Dee…. This is your life you’re talking about. You stayed the way you are because it’s a part of who Dani is…not Daniel.”
“But what about…” Dani paused, almost afraid to mention the woman.
“Go ahead… say her name.” Lisa half-frowned, but at least at that point Dani knew it was only out of frustration for her sister.
“What if Marta won’t…what if she doesn’t….”
“You told me that the very first time she walked in the store you actually thought at first that she was a teenage boy. I’d be willing to bet she has her own issues too. You are beating yourself up, sis.” Lisa said the word softly, accompanied by rubbing Dani’s arm once again.
“I…” Dani’s face was a mask of shame.
“I’m…”
“STOP…I know where you’re going, and it’s not true.” Lisa turned her head and looked out the window, making a very small effort not to scowl. ‘Crybaby?’
“Daddy never beat us, but he said stuff that was so mean. When the car hit Petey, he said “Cryin’ over an f’n cat? What are you?” She paused, hoping that Dani would put the word together with their father’s mean spirit and not own the title. Dani bit her lip. Her tears had returned but a light of recognition seemed to flicker in her eyes as Lisa continued.
“The fucker wasn’t the one who picked Petey’s body up…you did. He didn’t hold Petey and watch him fade away. YOU DID!” Lisa punched the steering wheel; it was painful for her in the moment since so much of the beauty of Danielle was made to hide.
“So you were a cry-er…Big fucking deal.” She was not going to repeat the invective; not willing to give their father that satisfaction so late in the game.
“Listen…I mean this. There are very few people in the history of the world I admire, and I’d be willing to bet that you’ll find at least that….what’s her name?’
“Mar…Marta.”
“That Marta has enough going for her that she’ll see just how beautiful you are, crying included. I can’t begin to tell you how much easier Maria’s and my life has been because you helped us when we needed to cry. I don’t even know if I have a marriage any more but you have been my rock, Dee. I bet Marta will see that in you.
“What if she doesn’t need to cry, Leese? What then?”
“Well, you did tell me…” Lisa giggled just a wee bit, which actually drew out a soft laugh from Dani.
“You know what I mean…”
“You want to be accepted… I get that. But you want more than anything in the world is to have someone to love.
“I…I do, Leese. Oh fuck, I do…”
It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.
At the office of Rosemarie Soriano, that Wednesday…
Marta sat on the couch; her legs uncharacteristically tucked under her in an almost relaxed pose, her boots on the floor by the end table. She wore jeans and a medium weight Kelly green pullover. Rosemarie noted a slight difference in Marta’s appearance, but decided it was best for Marta to mention it first, if at all
“You look great,” she said.
“I decided… I don’t want to hide…” Marta looked down at her blouse, and she gasped.
“But…”
“You gasped at yourself.” Rosemarie then realized where Marta was going with it, but a gentle nudge rather than a question was what Marta needed.
“I…fuck, Rose? After all this time I..: Marta patted her ‘enhanced’ breast as tears began to spill down her cheek.
“It still hurts….Oh fuck, what difference does it make anyway…” She stood up suddenly and pulled off her sweater. Casting it aside, she practically ripped off the bra underneath, leaving the breast forms to fall at her feet.
“It hurts that no one will ever fucking fall in love with…this.” She glared at her torso. The beauty of the vivid colors and design of the tattoo was lost in the lack it covered. Even the woman who had provided the decoration had reminded her that there might always be days where nothing would remove the almost unbearable shame.
“Twofer, right?” She slapped her belly. Rosemarie was tempted to correct Marta, but now was not the time, since only in venting could Marta grow closer to her own truth.
“I… I don’t want this, Rose….” She plopped back down on the couch and began to sob. It was almost like the horrible grief she had felt after the divorce, but a million times worse. The shame over something not her fault. The loss that would never end.
“I’m a…wuh…” She gasped, almost unable to say the word. Rosemarie leaned only slightly closer and touched Marta’s hand.
“It’s okay to say the word. It is okay to be angry, Marta. It’s okay.”
“I’m a woman, for Christ’s sakes… a fucking woman… Why the fuck did God...” She fell back against the couch and sobbed while pounding her right thigh.
“Why?” Her sobs faded to an almost subdued resignation. Rosemarie knew there were no answers to Marta’s question, but something in Marta’s eyes seemed to indicate that even as the tears continued to fall, answers to questions Marta had yet to ask herself would urge her forward.
Rosemarie would never assume anything beyond that, of course. But fate had already determined Marta was going to discover that by loving first she would find love as well.
Mainline Deli and General Store, an early January morning....
“Dani?”
‘Yes?” Dani answered as she walked into the deli from the kitchen in back. Penny, the store owner, stood by the deli case and looked around, almost as if to survey the store.
“Callie’s mom went into Newton General last night. They think it’s just false labor, but they want to be safe. Callie has to sit her little sister, so she can’t come in this afternoon, so I..”
“I can close. Kiera is still on Winter break as well, so she and her cousin Maria are at my Mom’s all week. I…”
“I got Frank on for tomorrow and the next day, so you can take all of tomorrow off, okay?” Dani went to answer even as she nodded yes, but Penny was already walking back up front.
“Thanks,” she called out. Dani laughed softly. Her schedule at the hospital was light until February, so that wasn’t an issue either. But it was amazing what her job at the hospital had done for her self-esteem. She still enjoyed working at the store, but it was no longer the only avenue she could take, and even physical therapy might be an option as well.
“Excuse me?” The voice was almost timid, evoking a timid-like echo from Dani, since she knew who the voice belonged to.
“Well…I came in looking to see if you were free for lunch, but I was around the corner by the drink fridge and heard your boss.”
“Uh…yes?” It immediately felt intrusive and welcoming at the same time.
“I know we talked about coffee sometime,“ she continued.
“Gosh… a sandwich is such a commitment,” Marta said, making no effort to hide her frown.
“Oh fu….Gosh. That’s not what I meh…meant to say.” Dani mirrored Marta’s frown, but looked down immediately.
“Oh, fuck…We could do this paso doble all day, hun.” (Did I just say ‘hun,’ she thought)
“The waven haired one seemed a bit timid and the bwunette keeps dwopping her face down at each pass,” Marta said with a reasonable imitation of the judge on that dancing show.
“Well, I’m glad that at least someone finds this amusing,” Dani said as she raised her face, almost eager to find something…anything to bring the exchange to a grinding halt. But she noticed that the near-rude bravado of Marta’s words was accompanied by a tearful frown.
“Sorry...Rosemarie…my therapist…is working with me on my very effective if entirely counterproductive sarcasm.” She paused as her face grew hotter from embarrassment.
“I’m sorry. To tell you the truth, I was so fucking…sorry…I was almost terrified that you’d be here when I walked in.”
“Am…am I so scary?” Dani completely misread Marta, causing the woman to walk around to stand closer.
“No…No…oh fuck…I’m scared because I wanted to see you but…I…” She put her hand to her face and began to cry outright. Dani wanted desperately to reach out, but her own fears got in the way. She did speak.
“You…you wanted to see me?”
“Yeh…yes,” Marta gasped as her crying eased up, only to be replaced with a look downward in self-inspection. Dani didn’t notice, since she was duplicating the shame-based inventory of her own body.
“I’m sorry,” Marta gasped as she pulled away from Dani and walked up the aisle to the front of the store, her voice barely heard over the chime of the door as she walked out.
“This was a mistake.”
Dani stood for a moment, feeling utterly rejected until she thought she heard a voice…Angela’s voice…speaking from somewhere inside her.
“Go!” She hesitated until the voice repeated with what Dani realized was an urgency based not on fear or expectation, but from love.
“GO!” Dani walked up to the front of the store and waved at Penny by the counter. Penny smiled and urged her forward toward the door as she echoed in the here and now what Dani had just heard from somewhere beyond.
“I heard, Baby girl...I'll cover…..GO!”
In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Dani ran out and saw no cars parked in front of the store. She sighed and went to walk back, but heard someone by the side door. She turned and walked around the corner to find Marta leaning against the driver’s side door to her Wrangler.
“M...Marta?” Dani said, almost a whisper barely heard above the sound of midday traffic past the store. Marta turned. Her face was red and streaked a bit with what little mascara she had worn. She shook her head ‘no,’ but Dani continued to walk toward her.
“I can’t find my goddamned keys, okay?” As Dani to another step, she felt something give way to the gravel under her left foot. She stooped down and picked up the keys and handed them to Marta.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized.
“I…” Marta shrugged her shoulders.”
“I feel so fucking…” She pursed her lips and frowned as tears continued to fall. Dani went to step closer, but Marta shook her head twice.
“NO…I don’t need sympathy, okay?”
“No…It’s not okay.” Dani walked quickly to her. Standing almost toe to toe, she suddenly grabbed both of Marta’s hands.
“This isn’t sympathy. I really wanted to talk with you.”
“Really? You could have fooled me,” Marta pulled away, but her motion sent the keys in her hand flying, and they landed on the steel awning over the side door.
“Oh fuck,” she shook her head again. Dani smiled weakly.
“We have an extension ladder.” She pointed to the front of the store but remained standing close to Marta.
“I wantto talk, okay? I’m scared too. Gimme a few and I’ll get the ladder, okay? She added ‘Don’t go anywhere,’ earning her an angry glare from Marta.
As Dani turned the corner, she shook her head no; all the while saying ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ ostensibly under her breath, but when she walked into the store, Penny was standing behind the front counter trying without any success to stifle a laugh. Dani shrugged her shoulders and walked to the back of the store. A few moments later she was back in the parking lot.
“I don’t want to talk, okay?” Marta finished a cigarette and went to toss it on the ground but stubbed it out and put the butt on the running board of the Jeep. Shrugging seemed to be the gesture of the day as she raised her arms slightly.
“Okay?” Dani nodded and set the ladder against the awning. A few moments later she was back down and handed the keys to Marta. “
“Listen…we don’t have to talk, but I just need to say that what happened back in the store was all about…” Marta went to interrupt, but Dani snapped.
“For fuck’s sake…Just listen, okay?”
“My ex used to say that….”
“I’m not your ex. And…” Dani looked away for a moment.
“I’m a widow and a single parent. I barely feel adequate at being a mother to my daughter…” She winced at the word ‘mother.’
“I…I didn’t know…” Marta put her hand against her mouth as if to silence any further remarks.
“How the fuck do I argue about that,” she thought, as if her own loss was somehow diminished. Dani half smiled.
“Well, since we haven’ttalked? How could you?” She stepped closer.
“Going out is probably not such a great idea…” Marta put her head down, feeling understandably rejected. Dani resisted the urge to step closer, but spoke only a bit louder.
“No…I mean right now…this minute. We’re both upset. I just… I’m afraid I’ll fuck up this….” She waved between them.
“I get off at eight. If you want? Come over to my place. I… I do want to get to know you… I’ll grab something quick for dinner and we can just sit in my kitchen and…”
“No,” Marta said sheepishly. Dani put her head down. “
“Oh, fuck…No…The library is having a trivia night to raise funds…I can’t do tonight… Tomorrow, okay?”
“Oh… yeah that’s fine. I... My daughter is at my mom’s this week and I have off tomorrow, so that’ll work. I’m over on Clinton behind the Quick Chek. 17 Clinton. Six or so okay?” Marta nodded. She went to get in the Jeep, and Dani started to walk back to the front of the store. A second later Dani felt a hand on her shoulder.
“I… “Marta pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled something quickly.
“He…here’s my number… If you still want to..” She sighed and actually said,
“Here goes nothin’. If you stillwant to after this?” She pulled Dani close and kissed her full-on, and not too gently, before pulling away.
“Call! Okay?” Marta said over her shoulder and got in her Wrangler. In a moment she had pulled out and was already headed down the road, leaving Dani more than a bit stunned. Marta was barely a half-mile down the road and she had already lapsed into near hysterics as she began to cry.
“Fuck….fuck, fuck, fuck….”
Meanwhile, Dani was still standing in the parking lot. She touched her face and began to tear up, all the while muttering slowly,
“Fuck…. Fuck, fuck, fuck…”
But for once self-defeat was not on the agenda as she felt for the first time since Angela died that she….Danielle Maria Fernandez-Diaz was lovable….
Marta’s apartment, the next day…
“I…” She had been staring at her cell phone for the past hour, unable to maintain any interest in the latest Faye Kellerman mystery sitting in her lap. She put her head back and closed her eyes, but the silence was jarred by her cell’s ringtone.
“Yeah? Marta… What? Oh…Not…”She shook her head but her eyes brightened quickly.
“Oh…seven instead? Can I bring anything? Yeah… Merlot okay? Okay… see you at seven…yeah,” She clicked off, but a shudder went up her back as she realized she came dangerously close to uttering something that likely would bring the evening to a grinding halt…
“Love you…bye…” She said it aloud, confident that her shame was safe at least for the next several hours, failing to realize she hadn’t hit the disconnect after all.
And only a few miles away in the safety of her own home all by herself, Dani was still holding the phone close to her ear, and heard every bit of what Marta had intended to omit and fate had allowed.
“Love you…bye? Oh, fuck…” Dani did have the wherewithal to disconnect She laid phone on the kitchen counter before walking into the living room, dumbfounded.
“Luh…love?” She went to sit down, but missed the couch entirely and ended up on the coffee table as she began to weep, all the while repeating the one word that would make a difference for them both.
“Love.”
Dani’s apartment, 7:04 pm…
Dani heard the doorbell just as she walked into the bathroom to check one more time just how ready she was She quickly glanced at her reflection before scurrying down the hallway; all the while shaking her head. She reached the front door, and grabbed the doorknob with one last bit of hesitation.
“Oh….’ She gasped and opened the door. Marta stood on the landing looking nervous as she cast her visage downward.
“H...hi…” Dani said as she grabbed Marta’s hand with hesitation. Surprise? Anxiety? Fear? And if Marta felt that way, how much more was Dani doing the same last minute insecurity inventory. Marta raised her head and put her hand to her mouth in shock…
“H…hi…” Dani repeated as she looked down at herself. Gone was any evidence that Dani had ever been a girl, or so she thought. Non-descript blue jeans and a rather flat-looking v-neck charcoal tee. Her hair was swept back in a boyish do and she wore no make-up. But she was almost a bizarre reflection of the woman who stood in her doorway.
“H…hi...i...” Marta echoed as her eyes glanced down at her own clothing. Gone were the recent pastels and soft fabrics, supplanted by her old friend black dungarees and an almost identical grey tee as the one that Dani wore,
“Come…come in?” Her words were as much an invitation to herself as Marta. She released Marta’s hand and motioned her to follow her into the kitchen.
“I…I brought wine…They were out of Merlot so I got Shiraz…okay?” She held up the bag from the liquor store.
“Sure…” The right wine was really the least of their concerns, but mentioning it delayed the reality of the moment for a few seconds. They stared at each other; not so much sizing each other up as wondering how this meeting might still promise.
“I guess you were…,.judging by the look on your face.” Dani remarked as she opened the wine. Pouring a glass for each of them, she retreated behind the safety of the kitchen pass-through. Dani shook her head.
“Well….” She stared at Dani and began to laugh softly.
“Why did you dress like a boy?” She raised her eyes in question. Dani misread her completely and began to shake.
“I…I…am…”
“The fuck you are,” Marta snapped.
“You look like my cousin Lila when she tried to dress butch for her girlfriend. You don’t do butch well at all.” She laughed again. Dani began to cry.
“I…This is what I was afraid of. I needed to show you and it’s all just one big joke.”
“No…I’m not joking, Dani. I mean you aren’t a guy…at least to me.”
“I…fuck, Marta….I’m…”
“But I don’t… It’s like you’re….” She hesitated.
“What…. Am I a curiosity… a freak? I never…” Dani glanced at her body. Maybe seeing herself through Marta’s eyes was just what she needed. Marta stepped close.
“You’re the same woman. I...” Marta looked down at herself. She grabbed her glass and downed most of the wine.
Dani grabbed Marta’s free hand and dragged her back into the living room; directing her to the sofa. She sat opposite her on the ottoman in front of the easy chair next to the media table. Marta went to speak but Dani held her hand up like a crossing guard telling a kid not to enter the intersection.
“I know we have to talk…us…. But I … “
“Oh…okay…” Marta sighed.
"Oh...kay...."
“When I was in Middle School….I spent a lot of my weekends in Lisa’s…my sister’s room.” Dani looked away. Almost a lifetime of living as herself yet it still felt like she was lying.
“We used to dress up and drive down to the Rockaway Mall in my dad’s…” Just the thought of her father’s abandoning the family still struck a raw nerve. She breathed out and continued.
“It got so that by the time I was in high school, I dressed up a lot. I…I had an on-and-off buh…boyfriend. Anyway, I was in my first year at SCCC when Lisa and I ended up at a nightclub in Mount Freedom. She got me a date with this guy who was a friend of her boyfriend. Nice enough, and I think had things gone differently, well…”
“You went on a date with a guy…oh okay?” Marta wondered why that might be strange. Sisters double date all the time, don’t they?
“Uh… he sorta wandered off with a hottie from Dover, and I was left literally standing in the middle of the dance floor. This Chica walks over. She looks like Selena except she has sort of a hard edge to her.” Dani paused and sighed. A lot of that going around lately.
“Anyway, she grabs me by the wrist and squeezes hard and says, ’My cousin not good enough for you?’ Well, la niña de muchas lágrimas starts crying right there and she lets go.
“'Oh, fuck…I was just kidding. My cousin is a tool and you’re more than okay.’ She pulls me close and smiles, almost wicked except at the end she’s wearing her ‘just kidding face’ again.
“’C’mon, babe,' she says and starts grinding on me…right in front of her friends. I’m trying to break free and she pulls me close."
“She goes all Tony Montana on me and whispers in my ear, ‘Maybe later you can introduce me to your little friend.’ I get all panicky and she pulls me close again and points to Lisa, who by now is going hot and heavy by the bar with her boyfriend.
“Shhh…your sister and I… She gave me a heads up right as my cousin ditched you. You weren’t made. But I’m serious...” Dani started to cry. Marta was more distracted by her own nervousness, but it suddenly dawned on why Dani was dressed the way she was.
“You’re…you’re..”
“Fuck….yes….” She got up and went to push past the couch, but Marta grabbed her hand, leaving Dani to stand there and weep. Marta got up and pulled Dani into a hug,
“Hey… you could have fooled me…Fuck…you did fool me.” Dani started to shake in Marta’s arms, and in a moment they were side by side on the couch. Marta touched Dani’s cheek; more sister/friend than anything just to get her attention.
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
“Truth or Dare?” She reached down and grabbed the bottom of her tee shirt and stripped it off. Unlike the time with Rosemarie, Marta wore no bra, so her chest was bared for the first time for someone other than her artist Nancy and her therapist. But even with the breathtaking artistry of her tattoo, nothing could really camouflage the lack beneath.
“I guess that makes us even?” Marta laughed between sobs.
“I’m the false one, Marta. You’re the real!” Dani shook her head, feeling completely inauthentic. Marta stood and looked for a way out, but turned around quickly enough to disorient her, and she ended up running down the hall instead. She ran into the bathroom and had enough wherewithal to lock herself in.
“Marta? Please? Come out?” Dani pleaded. After a few minutes of sobbing mixed with worrisome silence, Marta relented and opened the door.
“I’m suh...so…so sorry,” Dani stammered. Even as upset as she was, Marta realized that what drove Dani’s regret was an odd empathy. She grabbed Dani’s hand and pulled her close.
“You…” She glanced down at her chest.
“I don’t know what to say that doesn’t sound foolish or selfish.”
“Would you…could you?” It really didn’t become clear to Dani what she meant until Marta fell into her arms and sobbed. Dani tried to peer into Marta’s eyes as she shifted weight. So much shame…Dani didn’t quite understand but she spoke, hoping that the offer was enough.
“Mmm…may I?” Dani placed her hand on Marta’s chest tentatively.
Almost like a blind woman seeking to ‘see’ a face, Dani touched Marta’s chest, evoking only a small wince. Dani let her right hand rest on the left nipple, one of only two remnants that testified to what had been, She took her left hand and stroked Marta’s cheek gently.
“I…I’m s..so sorry, Marta…” Dani began to weep against Marta’s chest’...a blessing of sorts. As many times as she had heard her own name in the past several years, there was something almost healing in hearing it come from Dani.
“I guess… I guess we sort of fit together.” Dani looked up and nodded; trying to make some sense of the words. She tilted her head, almost fearing some horrible explanation, but Marta smiled through her own tears.
“I…I haven’t…not in so many years…” She looked down at Dani’s hand, still resting on her chest. She grabbed Dani’s right hand and placed it beside her left.
“I ….you have made me feel whole… I never believed I’d ever feel whole ever again.” She said as she leaned close with their foreheads touching.
“We… I never stopped being a w…” She could barely get that out before she began to sob; her head bobbing up and down against Dani’s face.
“I…”Dani began to reply, but words seemed almost pitiful next to action. Yes, her body said otherwise, but really, had she ever truly been a man? She reached up with her right hand and gently grabbed Marta’s chin and she began to kiss her and not with any of the timidity that usually defined herself.
“You…you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known.” She said it haltingly, wondering just what Angela might say about that. But the musing went away quickly as Marta returned the favor and kissed back, muttering some song lyric about kissing a girl….
Later....
Apart from times when Kiera couldn’t sleep after a bad dream or when she and her cousin spent the night giggling and laughing with Dani and Lisa for a girl’s night in, Dani had not shared her bed with anyone since Angela’s death. She was flat on her back, eyes closed while facing the ceiling while murmuring contently.
“Ohhhhh….” Her murmur became a moan as hands caressed her in places she forgot she had.
“I wholeheartedly concur,” Marta said before she pulled off Dani and ducked under the covers at Dani’s feet.
“MMMM…” she cooed as she began to lick Dani’s thighs.
“MMMM right back…and no fair,” Dani replied as she crawled under the covers as well. She scooted around and found Marta’s face and kissed her as she continued to travel south.
“Don’t you ….” Marta protested even as Dani buried her face between Marta’s legs.
“Watch me…..mnnnnn….” In a few moments both muttered incoherently even as their sounds grew louder.
“MMMMM…fuuuuhhhk…” Marta managed to gasp before she plunged into Dani once again. In a few moments both were shaking; an almost violent if entirely welcome sensation. Within minutes they were both writhing and thrusting and pulling and pushing until Dani came.
“I….” Dani began to weep. The climax went beyond any physical connection, but she was crying perhaps harder than at any time in her life. Marta sat up and pulled the covers back. Dani was buried in the folds of the sheets and she wept hard enough to shake the bed. Marta scooted around and fell into Dani and held her font to back.
“Shhhhh…..shhhhhh.” She repeated for several minutes until Dani ‘s weeping subsided.
“Why are you so sad?”
“I’m selfish…” She resisted Marta’s hand and stared at the wall across from the bed.
“Because you came? Why is that selfish?” It almost seemed silly to Marta until she realized it was almost as difficult for her to get past her own shame. She reached over and pulled Dani around, grabbing her wrists.
“Nnn…oooo,” Dani went to protest. To shush her would have been rude, so she kissed Dani hard and unrelentingly. After a few moments, she pulled back, only to see Dani staring down at herself.
“Can you listen for a sec?” Marta didn’t wait for an answer.
“This has been the best night of my life…ever. She placed her right palm over her heart,
“God’s honest truth. I thought I was dead…. Every bit of who I was as a woman went away…. I have been so ashamed of what I am…” Dani shook her head and Marta spoke.
“No…let me finish. I cannot begin to say how I feel at this moment other than to say you have made me whole.”
“I hate this,” Dani sobbed as she pointed below.
“I don’t…” Marta went to reach down, but that really wasn’t why Dani felt ashamed.
“Christ almighty, Dani. I don’t really care what the fuck you are other than that it saddens me that you feel ashamed.”
“I’m not a woman, Marta… No matter what Angela believed, or what even you think. I’m a freak. A pretender.”
“You are about as real as any woman I’ve ever known, and just as much a woman as the few I’ve ever loved. But that’s not why we’re here.” Marta moved her hand to Dani’s breast; budding that really never went anywhere. She placed Dani’s hand over her heart; a near porcelain covering in a sea of rich purples and reds and golds.
“This is why we’re here…right now….and maybe beyond tonight? I saw your heart long before now. And you saw mine. I love every bit of what you are, but it who you are that will sustain me.”
“I...I love you.” Dani managed before she buried her face in Marta’s chest and sobbed once again.
“Shhhh….shhhhhh….” Marta smiled and looked at Dani as she cuddled closer. In a few minutes the woman had fallen asleep in her arms. She gently laid her down on the pillow and joined her in a well-anticipated contented rest.
Lisa’s apartment, a few weeks later…
“Is Nana coming?” Kiera asked as she and Maria walked into the kitchen.
“She’ll be by later, but….”Lisa sighed. Dani looked at her daughter and shrugged her shoulders.
“She’s coming around, sweetie. I promise.” It was getting better. Little steps made perhaps abut more frequently and with less complaint?
“Well, at least she’s finally saying my name,” a voice said from the front door.” Kiera and Maria both ran to the doorway and greeted the newest member of the family.
“Tia Marta!” Maria ran and hugged Marta. Kiera stood still, her face a mixture of confusion and wonder.
“What, no Tia Marta from you? Tante Marta will do…” she sighed, looking disappointed. She could live with Kiera’s grandmother’s glacier-like movement toward acceptance. But she also knew it was so brand new and conflicting for Kiera with Angela’s memory still so recent in many ways.
“Hel…heck…I’ll settle for Marta.” As she sighed, Dani shook her head. They realized the newness and the confusion might make things challenging, but she and Marta had desperately hoped that Kiera would have warmed up by now. Kiera turned and began to look back and forth at Marta and Dani gazing at Lisa.
“Tia Lisa told me to wait until you got here before I said anything.” Her eyes welled with tears, but her nearly twelve year old face was beaming with a joy no one had seen for some time. She grabbed Marta by the hand.
“Kiera?” Marta went to speak, but Kiera placed her index finger over her lips. Marta caught the meaning and duplicated the gesture along with a smile. Kiera walked her over and sat her down on the chair between Lisa and Dani.
“Now?” She looked at her aunt and Lisa nodded. Probably the biggest and most special secret that Lisa had kept for Dani since dressups in Middle School, but the importance of the moment demanded she keep the secret from her sister.
“You …you’re here to stay? You love Mommy?” Marta went to speak, but every single word got stuck between her heart and her voice, and she could only nod as she began to cry.
“And she’s here for good?” Kiera looked into her mother’s eyes, and her answer came with a smile and a twinkle that squeezed past the tears. Kiera looked at Lisa and her aunt nodded once again; barely able to contain a relieved sob.
“I prayed…I pray… every night since Mommy Angela went away… “ She turned to Dani.
“Mom? Mommy? I cry every night because you are so sad. I know you love me. But you …” She turned and faced Marta, but continued speaking to Dani.
“Last Sunday after church, I went to the nice place outside…the garden with the benches and the wildflowers. I told god I'm okay…. But Mommy is so sad. And now…” She looked at her mother and turned back to Marta.
“Now there’s this lady who likes mommy a lot.” She gasped.
“I waited…. You all went across the street to the store and it was just me. I guess you figured I was okay? I looked up and there was nothing. It got cold and I pulled my coat around me. But I felt warm all over.
“I asked again, you know? But I only heard the cars from the road and a sound like a wind. I worried that it was getting maybe where you wondered where I was so I got up from the bench….”
“Okay?” She checked with Lisa one last time. Lisa nodded. She waved at her cousin as if to say, ‘Help me with this?’ Maria walked over and held Kiera’s hand.
“I felt somebody touch my shoulder but there wasn’t anyone there, but I heard her voice. ‘Do they love each other?’ The voice asked.” Lisa choked back a sob.
“’Do you love her?’ the voice asked. I almost shouted, but the hand on my shoulder made me feel like I had to think more…you know? Before I answered. And I thought,’ Of course I love Mommy. But I realized that wasn’t the answer.” Kiera smiled and walked up to Marta and spoke.
“You make Mommy happy. I love you. Thank you.” Marta put her hand to her mouth. Had life really come full circle? Kiera grabbed her hand and placed it in Dani’s before one last “Now?” to Lisa.
“Yes, sweetie…now.” Dani’s eyes widened in amazement and wonder as she hoped what she suspected was true. She bit her lip even as Marta clasped her hand tighter in anticipation.
“I was almost out of the garden when I felt the hand on my shoulder again. I turned and there was an angel. The most beautiful thing I ever saw. She smiled at me and said, ‘Tell your Mommy that it’s time, okay?’” She smiled at Marta and laughed softly.
“I think she meant that for you too, okay?” Kiera reached in and patted their hands and spoke.
“I sat down on the last bench and I don’t know why…I didn’t know why, but I started to cry happy tears. The angel hugged me and kissed the top of my head and her voice sounded like rushing water and a whisper. She said, “Te amo mi niña. Dale un beso a tu mami por mí?”
“Oh…” Dani gasped and Marta tilted her head, trying to remember what little of her eighth grade Spanish she learned.
“’And tell Marta? ’Gracias querida señora. Gracias por amar a mi querida Danielle….” Marta choked back a sob as enough of her recollections made it plain who the angel was and just what she said. But no one other than Lisa, who had heard the story already, was prepared for what Kiera would say next.
“’ Y gracias por ser una nueva madre para mi hija.’ Was that good, Tia Lisa?”
“That was very, very good, sweet girl!”
Marta looked down at herself; likely the last self inventory she would ever take as she repeated the words that pierced her heart.
“Nueva madre?”
“Si… Nueva madre,” Dani repeated as she kissed Marta. And Kiera smiled as she spoke one last time.
“I can’t call you Marta. That’s just sort of rude. And I can’t call you Tia, because you’re not my aunt. So is it okay if I call you Mommy?”
“Mommy Marta?” Lisa said with a chuckle. “I like the sound of that.”
Sparta United Methodist Church, August 2018
The rain held off, leaving it somewhat overcast but with a welcome cool breeze that trailed up the hill from nearby Lake Mohawk. Two brides stood side-by-side, looking for all the world exactly as you would expect two women to look who finally learned to accept love at least as equally as they gave love. For the first time in ages, Dani wore minimal enhancements; her gown similar to Marta’s in a style that mimicked the flat bodices of the Tudor era. The skirts were a simple white silk brocade. Marta’s sleeves were lacy and short and Dani’s gown was off the shoulder.
“I’m so glad you were able to be here, Marta said as she hugged her Maid of Honor. Nancy wore her gown well, if a bit non-traditional, since the soft yellow was set off nicely by the fingerless white gloves, one of which was in turn set off by the nice shoulder to wrist Dragon and Butterfly tattoo sleeve that adorned her right arm.
“I’m so glad I was able to see the fruition of our work.” She gently patted Marta’s chest, but both women knew that for once it wasn’t about the exquisitely drawn torso covering, but rather the heart underneath that was being healed.
And while thankfully there was never any intent to have a garter ceremony, both brides decided to throw one bouquet. After getting the hand position down just so, both women let sail the flowers, which landed in the mother-in-law/mother of the bride’s hands. She smiled graciously even as her face approximated the shade of the roses in the bouquet.
“Nice toss, you two!” Lisa said as she tried to be excited. After years of indecision, her husband finally decided he was ready to commit, and had filed for divorce so he could marry the JAG lawyer he met overseas. She walked up to Marta and hugged her.
“I’m not going to say something so stupid like ‘take care of my Sis,’ okay?” She pulled her new sister-in-law close and kissed her on the cheek and said,
“Just let her take care of you once and a while? Nice do, by the way!” Marta’s red roots had grown out and her make-up left her looking quite a bit like Jennifer Connelly. She kissed Lisa back and welcomed Kiera and Maria as Lisa walked over to Dani, who was just finishing her goodbyes to the nice woman who conducted the service,
“I’m excited that you’ve gotten into the Master’s Psych Program on Line at William Paterson. You’ve got so much to give from a unique and important perspective. Let me know if there’s anything I can do?” The woman hugged her and walked back into the church.
“You did it!” Lisa exclaimed. It was as wonderful and painful as any moment in Lisa’s life.
“Yep, Barbie Bunkie,” Dani said as she recalled the first few minutes of Danielle’s life.”
“I must say, you really dress up well.” Lisa rubbed Dani’s glove clad arm.
“I still have a hard time believing this is all real,” Dani said. Lisa stepped close and drew her sister into a blessing hug before saying,
“Just let her love you and it will be just fine. Okay?”
“Yes…. Speaking of okay, are you going to be alright?” It was Dani’s turn to rub Lisa’s arm.
“I’m okay…really.” She pulled away slightly.
“I’ll meet you guys at the restaurant in a bit. I just have to run a quick errand, kay?”
“Oh …yeah… “ Dani said as Lisa hurried to her car. In a few minutes Lisa had driven down the hill and up a bit to the dock by the group of shops by the lake. She got out of her car and went to the end of the dock; almost looking like a model for a photo op for a fashion magazine.
“I guess this is as good a place as any,” she said as she stripped off the glove on her left arm. She wet her finger with her lips and pulled off the ring she had worn since day one. The symbol of hope; not only for her but Maria as well. She shook her head once before looking up into a sky whose clouds were finally giving way to sunshine.
“Please?” she mouthed even as tears streamed from her face. She took a deep breath and cast the ring out as far as she could. It hit the water and sank, leaving barely a ripple.
“Figures,” she said as she walked back to her car. Of course she had fibbed to Dani. She wasn’t fine at all, but she was about to find out that things would finally be more than okay.
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
Go now!
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is, the girl is me
The story is, the girl is me.
To be continued in Lisa's Discovery
Someone Else's Story
From the musical Chess
Music: Benny Andersson; Björn Ulvaeus ...
Lyrics: Tim Rice; Björn Ulvaeus
As performed by
Helen Sjöholm
Comments
Beautiful, genuine, heart
Beautiful, genuine, heart-wrenching, and sooo well written Drea. I'm really at a loss for words to say much more than that, but it's everything I've come to expect when reading your work.
*big hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
sometimes I struggle with your writing
you create such real characters, I find myself hurting when they hurt.
hugs!
A Beautiful Love Story
What more is there to say? A classic.