** 5 **

It's funny how you can loose track of the days when you're slowly being forced to assimilate the life of a person. With the dawn of each new day, I'm finding it hard to tell where my old life ended and new one begun. I had been happily minding my own business as a man, then bam...next day, I was deep into the confines of this young housewife I've become.

Where had the time gone? It seemed that each day folded into the next as easily as I folded a shirt or blouse. Each one building upon another until it was days...then weeks...until I lost all track of time.

I was at a loss. I needed to think. Perhaps it was the heat of this drought, possibly the overwhelming fact of suddenly being dropped into a feminine body and told..."There you go, live her life." I needed time to think more often than not, most times I would go off by myself and just think...hoping I would wake from this mad dream I found myself caught up inside.

One evening after putting Benny to bed, I was sitting on the porch stoop listening to the crickets, just enjoying the relative coolness of the outside, at least, more then the heat of the house. I heard movement in the doorway behind me. "Care for some company?" It was my father-in-law, speaking through the screen.

I scooted aside to allow him to swing the screen door open, "It's a lot cooler out here," I softly said.

"That's what I was thinking," he said as he grunted, slowly lowering himself down on the stoop beside me.

I was studying the clear night sky, losing myself in the sheer multitude of stars as he spoke. "The good thing about this dry spell is that it's keeping the 'skeeters' down." He leaned back against the door. "Moon's not out...makes for good star gazing."

I nodded, "All these stars make a girl feel pretty insignificant."

"Insignificant?" he wondered aloud, "You're far from insignificant!"

I pointed up, "It gives me comfort knowing that Blaine may be looking up at those very same stars." John nodded and gave my leg a pat.

"He's probably wishing he could be sitting here instead of me. Right now, truthfully...I wished he was."

My face grew red, I could feel it warming up even more, knowing that if Blaine was sitting beside me, he'd probably be wanting more than just conversation...but I kept that to myself.

"Is something bothering you?" he asked.

I gave him a short laugh, speaking truthfully, I replied, "Some days lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"What's the matter, Nicole? I've seen worry written on your face more than once lately...you worried about Blaine?"

I nodded; my hair tickled my shoulder from the movement. "That must be it. Though, I don't really know what's wrong with me, I can't put my finger on it," I lied, "I'm just feeling out of sorts right now."

"The boy will be fine," he replied confidently then continued, "It's probably having an old fart like me hanging around?" He studied my eyes.

"You're no old fart," I said with a smile, "God John, I don't know what I'd do without you being around here!" I played with the hem of my sundress. "I...I just don't know if I'm doing justice to all of you...this farm...Blaine. I'm just..."

"Sounds like you're afraid of the future..." he interrupted. He gave my hand a squeeze. "You're a hell of a mother to the boy...more calm...even better since you've rid yourself of those cotton-picking headaches!"

I recalled that first day I met him; he had been bringing me aspirin. So much time had passed since then...and yet, it seemed as though it was only yesterday.

He gave me a gentle hug. "Blaine would be proud of the way your handling the farm, not to mention how your taking care of Benny-boy."

"He is a beautiful child," I whispered softly, trying to keep from tearing up. "Both his heart and soul...much like Blaine."

"And that's a reflection of how he's being raised...don't ever short yourself on that, Nicole. And when Blain comes home; which he will come home! You and he can get on with your family...seeing about adding to the noise and confusion on this property."

I laughed, but I knew what he meant.

He looked away, "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye...we've had our disagreements from time to time. But lately, it's as though you've changed...somehow became the daughter I always hoped you'd be."

I felt my throat tighten. "That's really sweet of you to say, John," I replied, snaking my hand inside his upper arm and leaned in, hugging him.

"I just thought you should know. You're the best damn daughter-in-law I have! I couldn't imagine having a better one. Well...until you destroyed the clutch on my car," he said it without cracking even a smile.

I began laughing and gave him a push with my elbow. This was his way, always joking to break an emotional conversation up...always finding a way to send either Ben or I into giggles. "I'm your only daughter-in-law, John."

"That's why you're the best!" he said smiling.

We shared each other's company for several more minutes before he slowly yawned and stood, "I think I'm going to head to bed."

"I guess I'll call it a night too," I said as helped me to my feet. "Always the gentleman," I replied to his kindness.

"Nah, I just needed the counterbalance...you know, in my old age."

I shook my head as he held the door for me, "You know...you're a goofball," I kidded him, "but I guess I'll love you anyway."

"That's Mr. Goofball, to you missy!" He said as he pulled the door shut behind both of us. "Nicole?"

I paused and looked at him; his eyes were twinkling as he gave me a smile. "I love you too, Honey." I couldn't help but see a hint of Blaine in that smile. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Dad," I replied, giving him another hug. "Thank you," I whispered, lightly kissing his cheek.

** 6 **

I rolled over; the morning sun was beginning to illuminate the bedroom. I focused on the smiling face of my husband's photograph. "Morning love." I whispered. In my mind, I heard him respond in kind. With a deep sigh, I threw back the covers and sat up. Yawning, I stretched lithely, my body reacting in the only way it seemed fit...as was designed upon the annuals of time.

I swung my legs out from under the covers and slipped my feet into my slippers, as I slowly stood and began to make the bed, I spied the blue robe, which had become my nightly companion. Blaine's familiar scent permeated out from the cloth, it was a smell that helped me sooth my frazzled nerves. I pulled the covers tightly and smoothed out the bedspread, tucking a portion just under the soft pillows.

I made my way around to my husband's side of the bed, reverently picked up the robe and drank deep the faint aftershave smell. It was a strange thought to miss someone so desperately even though I had never met him. I sighed and placed it once again upon the bedpost, then straightened and smoothed out his side of the bed.

It has now been almost three months since the Guardians had transformed me into Nicole. And for the most, part I have assumed her role entirely without complaint. Even when the dreaded monthly "visitor" came twice now, I accepted it as if menstruation were nothing more than an occasional nuisance. Although it did take awhile to become accustomed to wearing feminine pads, albeit completely normal for a woman of youth as I now considered myself. All of these thoughts raced through my feminine mind as I began to ready myself for the day, removing the sheer nightgown I had on, laying in at the end of the bed.

I snatched a quick glance at the alarm clock; it reminded me that I had to hurry to have breakfast ready for John and Benny. Such was the life for a mother and daughter on a small rural farm...her men needed her, and I was now that woman.

As I turned, from the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my almost naked body in the mirror, save for the underwear I had on. I decided that while I was no Lana Turner, I had a quiet beauty that seemed to turn men's heads quiet easily. I smiled at myself, and then continued to dress for the day. It was a powerful feeling, knowing that many males would think that I was a very desirable female...however, there was only one man that I truly wanted, and he specifically, was somewhere in Germany.

Picking out a clean bra from my drawer, I slipped the straps over my shoulders and slowly worked my hands around the wide band until I found the little hooks. I quickly clasped my brassiere behind me as if it were something I had done since puberty, removed and pulled clean panties up my smooth legs. Once again it would be an extremely hot day, according to my conversation last night with Dad, our second straight month. Knowing this, I sought out a lightweight dress and buttoned it up; the three buttons were set on an angle, high on my waist. A wide belt was fastened as I took my seat at the vanity.

One by one, the bristly curlers were dropped into a drawer, along with each bobby pin that had held them in place. A quick brushing and the hair seemed to fall in place, conforming to the usual style I wore.

Makeup went on with casual diligence; it felt as though I was putting it on for the hundred-thousandth time. As I stood, I slipped my feet into a pair of low shoes, practical for a housewife's daily wear.

Within twenty minutes I was in the kitchen and working on their breakfast. As the eggs were frying in one skillet and bacon in another, I was finishing up the coffee pot and reattaching the lid with the glass dome.

Within minutes, John strolled into the kitchen. "Morning Nicole."

"Morning Dad. Coffee will be ready in a jiffy," I replied over my shoulder as I expertly flipped his eggs.

"Smells real good." He asked as he settled down into his seat. "Is Ben up yet?"

"Not yet," I replied as I removed the eggs, deposited them onto a plate for him, beside each I put several pieces of bacon.

He picked up his fork as I cracked another two eggs into the skillet, "I'm going down to Doc Seymour's farm all day, helping him make silage with his corn. I'll be taking the Farmall."

"Okay," I replied, not turning.

"Do you think you can keep Benny busy around here, we'll be too caught up to keep an eye on him." He glanced at the coffee pot as it let out a low growl, a blast of hot liquid danced inside the glass dome as it percolated.

"Sure, I can find something for him to do around here," I replied as I took the eggs and flipped them. As the eggs in the skillet were finishing, I picked up Dad's cup and filled it with the steaming coffee.

"Thanks, Hun," he replied as he took a tentative sip of the hot liquid.

I glanced up as I returned to my cooking, Benny walked into the kitchen, his hair in complete disarray. "Morning." He yawned.

"Welcome sunshine!" I giggled, removing his eggs and placing them onto his plate. "You want any bacon?"

"Sure," he said yawning again. "I'll have some."

As he was finishing, I placed his plate in front of him. I turned and pulled the bottle of milk from the refrigerator and poured him a small glass, this too was placed before my son.

I wiped down the stove and munched on a slice of bacon, the skillets were deposited into the sink and I began running hot water over them. As I shook in the soap flakes, I listened to the conversation behind me.

"I'm going to be at the Seymour's farm today...we're making silage out of the wilted corn."

"Can I come?" Benny asked.

"I don't think so Benny...not this time." He took a sip of coffee and sat his cup down; I heard the thunk from the cup against the table. "You stay here around the farm and help out your mother."

I glanced back and watched Benny's shoulders slump. "Maybe you can earn some money doing a few chores for me?" I mentioned.

He perked up, quickly looking back at me. "Money?"

"Not much...but maybe a dollar or two," I replied over my shoulder as I began wiping down the dirty dishes."

"Aren't you going to eat?" Dad wondered aloud.

"I've eaten a couple slices of bacon and had some toast before you got up, I'm fine," I replied as I moved the skillet into the opposite sink to drain. It was true. Ever since I've arrived as Nicole, I haven't been very hungry. I assumed that this body had no need for large quantities of food, let alone big meals.

I heard Dad scoot his plate away; he stood and carried it around to me. "On the counter or in the sink?" I stepped back and pointed into the sudsy water, he placed it into the sink gently.

"You about done, Benny?" I asked as he pushed the last of his bacon into his mouth. "Manners?" I frowned as I questioned my son.

He sheepishly carried his plate and fork to the sink, I took it and slid it under the water and began to scrub it clean.

"What sort of chore do you have for me?" he asked, pushing his little hands into his pocket and teetering upon his heels.

"I want you to check the garden for anything ripe. Be extra careful on the tomatoes; watch out for those big green tomato worms." He made a face as I said that. "For each one that you remove, I'll give you a nickel!"

His eyes lit up. "No matter what size?"

"Big or little...still a nickel," I replied as I let my dishwater down.

He searched through the trash and found a big bean can, "I'll put them in here, that way I can show you so that you know I won't be lying." He quickly left the house and with a bang, the screen door slammed shut.

"I trust you..." I called out to the closed door. "That boy’s always in a hurry to make a little spending money." I giggled, looking toward his grandfather who was staring at the door with a big smile on his face.

Finally after several seconds, he looked back at me and sighed. "Well, I want to get as much done as I can this morning while it's still cool. I'll not be home until supper. Doc and his wife will feed me lunch," he said as he placed his old tattered Stetson on his head. He downed the rest of his coffee and handed me the dirty cup. I looked from it to my empty sink, narrowing my eyes at him in mock anger. He smiled and stepped back, as if I would have clobbered him...in supposed fear, he began walking backward, quickly backing out of the kitchen and snickering once outside.

I laughed to myself and rinsed out his cup, leaving it in the bottom of the sink for when I did Benny and my lunch dishes.

As he left, Dad caught up with Benny in the yard, I could hear them speaking to each other. "The water's still off to the pump. If the dog's thirsty and wants a drink, take him down to the creek.

"There isn't much at the creek either Grandpa," Benny replied, squinting in the bright sunlight at his grandfather.

Dad sighed and looked up at the hazy morning sky. "It's been almost two months since we've had any decent rain, it had better happen real soon or we'll be burying our livestock. A sprinkle here or there isn't going to cut it!" He looked down and sighed. "I guess I'd better be going if I want to get anything done before the real heat of the day sets in." He patted Ben on the back and slowly walked out to his Farmall. Ben followed and watched from a safe distance as his grandpa cranked the tractor over a few times before climbing up on the high seat.

"Mind your mother, boy," he said to his grandson then motioned for him to return to the garden with a gesture of his head, as he did, he started the tractor and slowly rolled down the driveway toward The Seymour's farm. Benny followed slightly and watched him until his grandpa was out of sight.

As I watched the tractor driving away, Benny slowly trudged back toward the garden. "Poor kid, I know you'd rather be with your grandpa than stuck at home with a woman...let alone your mother." I smiled at the thought of me referring to myself as "Mother", and with a laugh, returned to my housework.

Even though I never really thought of myself as a neat freak, I took to cleaning as though it was my sole responsibility on this planet. A strange side of me felt completed as I would move from one chore to another...it was almost a prideful feeling as each room I left, was now sparkling clean.

Minutes turned into hours, I busied myself in first one room, then another. Toiling away on my own chore until finally after a few hours, I began to think about lunch for the two of us. It was becoming stifling hot outside, I knew that Benny would want something light to eat; I decided that it would be peanut butter with homemade jelly sandwich.

As I was making our lunch, I glanced up and saw my little Benny walking toward the woods. He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but as if he had a serious purpose. I could only see his back as he disappeared out of view. He was obviously walking with a great effort...trying to be as still as possible.

At first, I thought nothing of it, Benny often wandered back to the woods from time to time and I felt sure he knew his boundaries while in the woods. However, minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house. I was mildly interested but again, it wasn't unusual to see a boy running to or fro on a farm. It didn't look like it was a serious emergency so I went back to making lunch; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed. Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. I was held mesmerized by his antics; I couldn't help myself as I stood quietly in the kitchen and watched him.

This activity went on for an hour: walking carefully to the woods, running back to the house. I felt my brows knit, I slowly made my way to the screen door, folded my arms across my chest, leaned against the doors' frame and watched this act transpire two more times. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was going on...and that bothered the mother in me.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey being very careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him. He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked.

My eyes followed the direction he had come from; it was a direct line from the pump. I sighed, knowing the disappointment his grandfather would have if he were to find out that Benny disregarded a rule. But putting two and two together, I knew he was holding water. "But…why?" I whispered to myself as I followed.

Being very careful, Benny tried hard not to spill what he held in his hands...maybe two or three tablespoons at best. I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing sight, which filled me with both awe and extreme maternal fear.

Several large deer loomed in front of him. Benny cautiously walked right up to them, I almost screamed for him to get away but that would only startle them and who knows what could happen then! A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him...he only watched as Benny knelt down. And then at their feet, I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground; obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.

When the water was gone, Benny slowly stood as not to frighten the deer, and turned to head back to the house. When he moved far enough away, he began to run. I hid as he raced past, concealing myself behind a large tree.

In a slow trot, I followed him back to the house and to the spigot to which his grandpa had shut off the water. Benny lifted the handle all the way up and a small droplet of water began to creep out. Perhaps only enough water remained in the line to allow the tiny handfuls he was able to gather.

He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The scolding he had gotten into for wasting the water the last few weeks, the lecture he had received from his grandfather about the importance of not wasting water. They were only a few of the reasons he didn't ask me to help him.

I swallowed hard as the emotion filled me; I slipped away and into the house for only a moment. I knew what I had to do while he continued his life-giving chore. I said nothing but waited unseen; it took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. By the time he carefully stood to his feet and pushed the pump handle down using his elbow, turning he began the trek back. At the last second, he glanced up and saw me standing in front of him.

His little eyes just filled with tears. "Mom...I...I'm not wasting..." was all he said. I gave him a knowing smile and motioned my head for him to continue, and as he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen.

I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed hidden. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known, working so hard to save another life. As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, other drops...and more drops...and more suddenly joined them. I looked up at the darkened sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with joy.

My heart swelled with motherly admiration, as my son and I returned to the farm in the gently falling summer rain. From when I had first noticed Benny until now, time had spanned over several hours, but somehow with my own eyes...I watched a child, my son, somehow step out of the youthful shadows into the role of protector to the helpless. I smiled down at him as he held onto my hand, elated beyond measure with what I had just witnessed my son doing.

"Do you suppose it'll live?" He asked softly as we walked in the rain.

"It's got a better chance, since you helped it," I replied as I gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"I hope so," he said with a smile.

As we neared the back of the property, I asked, "How was it that you came to help the poor fawn?"

He pointed toward the garden, "I saw it fall twice before it went into the woods, both times it's mother nudged it with her nose...trying to get it back up. The last time it fell, it never got up. I thought it was dead."

The rain was still falling gently upon the ground, the earth darkening more and more from the drops. "Weren't you afraid?"

He shrugged, "I was, but I was more afraid that it was dead. That's why I went back there...if it was dead, I'd have buried it."

He grew quiet as we walked past the barns and up toward the house, finally he sighed and glanced back toward the woods. "I did it for Daddy."

I paused, looking curiously down at him. "For Daddy?"

"While I was working in the garden, I was thinking about the war. If Daddy was ever hurt, I would want someone like me to help him."

I felt tears stinging my eyes. He continued. "Seeing the fawn fall so many times got me to thinking...that little deer couldn't get to the water, it's parents couldn't carry it...somebody has to help. Somebody like me!"

I knelt down in the wet grass and gave him a huge hug, "Did I ever tell you that I love you?"

He smiled, "Only about a jillion times."

I hugged him again, this time kissing his forehead. "Don't ever stop having a beautiful soul!" Again I gave him another hug, tears mixed with the rain upon my face.

"Mom?"

I leaned back, "Yes Benny?"

"Can we get out of the rain...I'm hungry. I think I missed lunch." I stood and giggled at his comment. Here he had just done one of the most beautiful thing's I had ever seen, and he has already pushed it past as if it were old news.

With a laugh, I gently tugged his hand and we continued inside.

And still it softly rained.

** 7 **

Later that evening during supper, Benny relayed his day to his Grandfather. The elderly man sat quietly in disbelief, until I spoke up.

"I saw Benny do it with my own eyes. It's unbelievable, but it's true!" I smiled proudly at my son.

"I'll be dipped," he whispered. "No kidding."

Benny sat up straighter, looking from me to his Grandfather. "I know I got punishment coming for using the water when I was told not to..."

His Grandpa smiled. "I don't think that's necessary..."

Benny gave him a surprised look. "I did wrong Grandpa. I figure I got it coming to me."

"Benny, your grandfather said he didn't think it was necessary," I reminded him once again.

He sat staring into the bowl of mashed potatoes. "But I didn't listen..."

John looked at me, his bewildered expression matching my own. "Are you saying that you want to be punished?"

"I don't WANT to be punished...I just figure that I disobeyed you, and for that I should have some kind of punishment."

"What you did was a good thing, Benny," I argued. "That little deer would have probably died without your help!"

"I...I'll take away my radio privileges for tonight," he said as he took a drink of his milk. "I'll go straight to bed after supper."

"I've never seen the like, the boy is punishing himself!" John said, scratching his head. "You don't have to do that, son. Under the circumstances, I'd have probably done the same thing!"

"But I was told to not mess with the water..." Benny said as he stood up. "May I be excused?"

I was stunned. "Well...I...yes Benny, you may be excused." My gaze went from Benny to my father-in-law.

He shook his head as the boy exited the kitchen. "That's some son you're raising...going to be quite a man someday!"

I sighed and smiled, still watching the direction he had left in, "...Like his father."

While I began to clear the table, Dad stood at the kitchen door, he inhaled deeply the sweet smell of the rain. "Still coming down...we sure need this."

I sat the dirty dishes on the counter and began putting the leftovers into the refrigerator as the sink began to fill with water. Once done, I closed the fridge door and shook some boxed soap into the sink. Wetting a dishrag, I wiped down the kitchen table and returned the shakers to the stove where we kept them. As I worked, I began to think about what had happened that day with the deer and the rain.

"Simply amazing," I said with an astonished whisper.

"What's that?" John asked, turning from the screen door that he had been staring through.

"It started raining directly after Benny had got that little fawn to sit up and drink. It was almost like God was crying right along with me," I said as I placed the dirty dishes in the water.

"He probably was," he replied cocking his head to a low rumble of far off thunder. "He's being rewarded by the heavens for his kindness."

I smiled, "And we're being rewarded by loving him for fine young boy that he is." I looked down into the sink, tears filling my eyes.

His grandfather nodded, "He's a special one...that he is."

"He said it was because of Blaine that he came to the aid of the little deer. Benny told me that he hoped if something happened to his daddy, he wished someone like him, would help," I said, smiling proudly and wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

Grandpa John turned back toward the screen and nodded while whispering, "He's going to be a fine man someday..."

I couldn't agree more, I thought as I too turned back to my task at hand, as grateful tears fell against the top of my dress.

After several minutes of standing at the door watching the rain, John slowly turned and walked to the living room. A short time later, I could hear Glen Miller's Moonlight Serenade playing softly from the radio. Without actually looking, I could imagine that he was seated in his chair, listening to the big Zenith radio and waiting for his programs to begin.

I finished the supper dishes and set about cleaning the refrigerator, the items that I was going to throw away were placed in an old pie tin. Their containers were placed into the sink to soak for a few minutes as I carried the tin out and stood under our awning.

"Here Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!" I chirped, then stood silently as our barn cats raced from their hiding places, through the rain, until one halted and paced around my feet mewing.

"Would you like some scraps?" I asked the cats.

I sat it down and stepped back, they attacked the tin like there would be nothing for them to eat for days...of course, that wasn't the case at all. Later, Bear strolled by, gave the cats a jealous glance and stopped to watch me.

"I suppose you want to eat too?" I scratched the big dog behind the ear and moved toward an old tall can we used to store our dog food in and pried off the lid. Using the scoop that was laying on the top, I placed the food into the dog's large pan.

As Bear began eating, I sat on the steps, just beyond our little area, the rain continued to fall and drip from the awning. I watched the drops as each danced into the little dry cracks in the grass, seemingly soaking into the ground like a sponge.

As the wet ground drank the life-giving rain into itself, I couldn't help thinking that I was a lot like the ground. For me though, it was information that I was soaking up...information of the feminine persuasion.

But soaking up the information wasn't the only thing; it was what else was happening that was most troubling to me. Along with the normal day-to-day happenings that I performed with nary a thought, it was as though I have done each item countless thousands of times. It was the little things that seemed to cause me concern...like when I would say things without thinking, and they would have come from my mind and be so hopelessly feminine of a response. It seemed to be happening more and more each day that I remained in this body.

Now too, I have been having steady glimpses of Nicole's past, little pieces of information fed into my subconscious mind. Troubling as these thoughts were, the more they bubbled to the surface, the more they seemed as though they were of my own past. Playtime as a little girl, childhood toys, my favorite dress, the smell of Blaine's cologne...each filtered into my mind, then became entangled with my own male thoughts. More on top of more until there is seemingly less room for those of my former life. In all aspects of life, I was becoming Nicole.

And it scared the hell out of me!

I slowly stood and watched the little droplets of rain as they danced upon a puddle, each drop an individual and yet together they gather merged to become one. I smiled, thinking how much I've become like that rain and puddle. Memories from Nicole dropping into me...were becoming who I am.

With a sigh, I slowly climbed back up the stairs and went inside, returning to my sink full of dishes. Back to the motherly life for me...until only God knows when.