(aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2098 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad
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“Just where am I supposed to find a white dress?” I asked busy Lizzie, who was wriggling about on her changing mat, grabbing her toes and giggling.
I reached down for some baby cream–well if you’re going to eat them whole, you need it–when voice replied, “Try the internet.”
I looked at the infant wriggling and giggling and wondered if she learnt to talk while we feeding the dormice. “How d’you know about the internet?” I asked her.
“She doesn’t yet, but she will,” I spun round to find Livvie was standing behind me.
“How did you know where to look for a white dress?” I asked her, while creaming the baby’s bum.
“Auntie Stella told me to tell you. There’s some shops in Glasgow and Edinburgh who do mail order, they should have one.”
“Oh, which ones?”
“Here,” she handed me a scrap of paper with names written on it. I finished the baby and dressed her.
“I should make you do this,” I said.
“Ugh, no thanks, I’ve got better things to do than mess with babies, though I hear making them is good fun,” she gave a nervous chuckle which showed she knew what that involved. At her age I had no idea, and to be honest, I haven’t much more now. She went off with a biscuit and a drink–obviously too short a fuse.
Goodness, I’m getting as corny as Simon. He emerged after I’d finished with the baby and was just putting her down for a sleep. “Haven’t you finished with her yet?” he flung at me.
“Yes, just this minute,” I rocked the pram A little to try and send her off.
He rolled his eyes skyward and tutted.
“Why don’t you take her for a little walk while I organise lunch.”
“Where’s that bloke we pay to do the food? You know, funny face, pointy hat–no that’s my sister–anyway, you know the cove I mean.”
“He’s got the day off.”
“That’s twice this year,” he pretended to feign outrage.
“Don’t look at me, it was you who told him he could have it off.”
“I thought he meant having off with his girlfriend.” Simon was well into his parallel universe now. It’s like living with Monty Python.
“She’s having it off, too. You could say they’re having off together.”
“Goodness, we’ll be knee deep in little chefs.”
“I think not.”
“Oh well you’re the biologist, so you should know. You were certainly being biological last night, woman.” He positively beamed at me.
“Well that was your lot until I see what you buy me for my birthday present.”
His smile withered. “I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me alright.”
“I believe I did. One would never have guessed that one’s wife could get so mercenary.”
“Oh come off it, half your ancestors were probably the product of mercenary spouses.”
“Well yes, I know this–I mean Great Uncle Thomas, he had to pay his wife like a common prostitute each time she um–you know?”
“She what?” I teased and he indicated with a nod that someone was standing behind me. It was Trish.
“Hello, Darling.”
“Mummy, there’s one here for two hundred pounds and the other shop has something a bit nicer but that’s three hundred.” She lifted up her iPad and showed me the two dresses.
“Can we return them?”
“I s’pose so, I’ll check.” She scrolled down on the machine and after reading a for few moments said that we could.
“Order them both and send the worse one back,” instructed Simon.
“I have to get dresses for the children too.”
“Make sure you get a nice one for Danny,” he said as he pushed the pram out of the kitchen and down the drive.
“Silly Daddy, he knows Danny doesn’t wear dresses.”
“He was pretending he was being funny.”
“Oh,” she said and smirked. “Does he ever say anything funny?”
“Oh yes, let me see, the last time was about ten years ago.”
“Did you know him in those days?”
“Oh yes, he used to ride up on his white charger and rescue me from dinosaurs.”
“Dragons, you mean.”
“No dinosaurs, I’m a biologist, I know the difference between a dragon and a dinosaur, besides I’ve seen all the Harry Potter films.”
“You always fall asleep when you watch the television.”
“Perhaps I saw them in the cinema.”
“Ha, you never go to the cinema.”
“I used to.”
“Like when the dinosaurs were around?”
“Coulda been, let me think when I last went to the cinema except with you lot. Um...”
“Was it more than a hundred and sixty million years ago?”
“Possibly, why?”
“Well that’s when the dinosaurs became extinct.”
“Perhaps it was a dragon, then.”
“Did it blow smoke and flames?”
“Probably, why?”
“If it didn’t it might not have been a dragon.”
“What could it have been then?”
“A crocodile,” she made two huge jaws with her arms and chased me round the kitchen squealing and making noises which sounded more like a lion than a croc. Perhaps it was a sea lion?
When she ‘caught’ me and pretended to eat me–I objected when she said I was tough because I was so old–I told her about the ancient Egyptians and the myth about the measuring of the heart against a feather.
“Must have been something wrong with their scales. A heart weighs far more than a feather.”
I couldn’t argue with her logic, except I was going to anyway. I told her that if a person lived a pure and faultless life the Egyptians believed then his or her heart would be so pure it would weigh less than a feather. The god Anubis was in charge of the weighing as this was done in the underworld, and he was in charge of that.
“Is that the one with a dog’s head?” she asked.
“A jackal’s head.”
“I prefer the one with the lioness’ head.”
“That’s the goddess Sekhmet.”
“She looks cool in the pictures of Egypt I’ve seen on the internet.”
“I’m not sure if cool would be a good description for someone who was seen as the destroyer of worlds, the eye of Ra.”
“That is way cool.”
“Trish, if you talk like that in school they’ll tell you off.”
“Why, waddi do wrong?” she knew well what she did wrong.
“You sound like a gangster’s moll.”
“What’s that, Mummy?”
I’m thinking of changing my name to Daddy, he never gets any of these awkward questions, in fact he never has much go wrong at all. Just then the sky darkened and a flash of lightning lit the kitchen.
“Oh Daddy won’t like this,” I said.
“If he’s frightened, tell him to go and sit in the car, the Faraday cage effect will protect him.”
“Um, he’s not exactly frightened.”
“What is it then?”
“He’s out walking with Lizzie in his shirt sleeves.”
“Lizzie can’t walk, can she?”
“No, of course not.”
“Phew, I thought I’d missed something.”
I glanced out the window, Simon was racing up the drive and he was soaked through to the skin.
“Better run up and grab some towels for Daddy, I think his temper might need drying off somewhat.”
Comments
Giggles
Poor Simon. Hope the wee one stayed dry.
A bit of a laugh
A bit of a laugh is just what I needed this morning here down under,
Trish seems to be able to banter as well as Kathy.
Hugs Carla:):)
ROO
YKW, IKR
You keep writing, I'll keep reading.
S.
Another day in the life of the Dibbertons
For all you folks who know who they are :)
Kim
Bad Weathr in the UK.
I'm from O ree gone, where we seldom have any weather at all. So, it was a matter of great surprise to me to find such inclement weather, what with all the wind, lighting and snow flurries, in the "Harry Potter" series. I've only just watched the entire series again, took a week.
It is hard for me to fathom how there can be sudden rain fall there. Here the skies just threaten us to death and finally come in a gradual, sloppy mess.
It seems that relatively violent weather is rather common place.
G
Child woman.
Trish is truly a child-woman as she ricochets from sound science to social ineptitude. That and having a vocabulary seething with malapropisms actually makes her amusing company provided Cathy's correcting her remains light-hearted and isn't too critical or destructive.
Still lovin' it Ang.
Thanks again.
XX
Bevs.
Funny episode
without the zinger at the end.
Lizzie seems to be rapidly integrating into the family.
My reaction to Cathy asking Lizzie about where to find a dress.... If you ask an infant a question like that don't be too surprised at what kind of answer you get.
Simon seemed to be in good form.
Education...
as well as a good laugh .... Is there a better mix ?
Kirri