Charlotte’s Tale–part 19
by Angharad

“Can we go somewhere quieter?” I said very quietly still blushing, and Suzy looked me in the eye and nodded. I felt sick, now there’d be two who knew at my new school. Jane, who I first thought was caring and helpful was the most horrible female I knew. She knew I couldn’t do anything to stop her short of killing her. She had me over a barrel and her dropping Suzy and I into this mess was simply a demonstration of her power. She was a demon in schoolgirl form and I was beginning to loathe her at the same time she just showed me I was defenceless.

We walked, Suzy and I across to the little park in the town centre and sat on a wooden bench. I could hardly see my eyes were full of tears. “Would you hate me if I were a boy?” I asked her which I think caught her slightly unawares.

“I don’t think I’d hate you...” she replied.

“But you wouldn’t want to be my friend?”

“I didn’t say that either.”

I felt the merest glint of light ahead and hoped I could salvage something from this friendship. “D’you want the full story or the edited highlights?” I asked sniffing back a tear.

She looked at her watch, “I’m in no rush.”

So I started at the beginning and told her how my life had been up to the death of my dad, and how that had sort of changed things. I explained about the depression and the way my mum had helped me fight my way back to some sort of life and that Simon had been such a supporter.

“So, he like knows?”

“I went to the same school as him.”

“What as a girl?”

“I had to wear the same uniform as him.”

“But you were really a girl inside?”

“I didn’t know what I was back then, but I know that I’m a girl now and always will be.”

“You’re on hormones?”

“Yes.”

“So it doesn’t get hard anymore?”

I’d omitted the part about the glue job and explained about it and she gasped. “It’s all stuck up inside you?”

“More or less.”

“So Jane was wrong.”

I sniffed and looked at her. “Sorry?”

“She implied you were a boy, you’re not are you?”

“Not anymore.”

“You realise if she tells on either of us, we could be implicated by our friendship.”

“I spent the last three years being a pariah, you think that’s going to worry me?” I spluttered. “I like you because I think you’re nice. I’m not interested in you as a girlfriend like in boyfriend girlfriend, because I s’pose I like boys, but I’d like you to stay as my friend.” I’d made my play, now I had to wait for her response.

“You don’t like do it with Simon, do you?”

“Do what?” I asked then realised what she was asking. “Geez, Suzy, I’m fourteen, we kiss and cuddle—that’s all.”

“As long as you’re not a gay boy masquerading as a girl.”

“If I were, shouldn’t you be sympathetic?”

“Gay boy, yeah—pretending to be a girl, uh uuh.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Am I a girl?”

“I told you that already.” She snapped at me then when I sniffed, she added, “Crikey, Charlotte, you are so thin skinned.”

“Sorry,” I said in a minute voice.

“Look, I had a hard time in my last school. I found a girl who I had the hots for and thought she felt the same about me—she didn’t. She blew me out of the water. I’d spent years coming to realise what I was and trying to tell my parents and that happened. Dad was okay, he’d cope with anything...”

“Tell him you want to be a boy,” I interjected.

“Oh I did years ago, went all butch, only wore boy’s clothes except at school—he didn’t worry one bit. Mum nearly went crazy, I think she finally did when this girl I confided in told everyone. They all acted as if I was carrying some terrible disease.”

“I know that feeling.” I said quietly.

“Yeah, I guess you would.”

“So are we still friends?” I pushed the subject again.

“You need to ask?”

“I’ll take that as a positive then.” I held out my hand and she took it and kissed it, which surprised me, then she chuckled.

“Boys shake hands, women kiss.”

Not being one to dismiss a challenge I stood up and motioned her to do the same. As soon as she did I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. She responded by kissing me on the mouth, so I kissed her back—just briefly.

“I think that means we’re friends,” I said hoping we weren’t attracting a crowd. Thankfully there weren’t many people around and doubly so because Jane wasn’t about.

“You sure you’re not lesbian?” she teased.

“I don’t think so”—I saw Simon in my mind’s eye and said, “Nah, definitely not.”

“Pity,” said Suzy.

“You realise that St Margaret’s has an equality policy, the headmistress told me when they accepted me.”

“Yeah, so you trying to tell me I should wear a gaylib badge?”

“No, I was thinking out loud, I s’pose. The only reason Jane gets away with it is because no one has the guts to stand up and tell the truth. If we did, she’d have no power.”

“And we’d only have enemies.”

“Not quite.”

“Okay, one friend in a thousand enemies.”

“You’d be okay eventually, if I came out as a transgender girl, there’d be protests from parents and threats to withdraw their daughters, plus I’d be at risk of physical attack.”

“Just for being a girl—duh?”

“No, for having a different route to being one.”

“That is like, so stupid.”

“Don’t you think I know?”

“Yeah, sorry. Look, I have to go, perhaps we can talk again soon, without Jane knowing.”

“I’d like that.”

“You realise you’re now my best girlfriend.”

“That must make you the same,” I teased back.

“You sure you’re not...”

“See ya,” I said and she laughed and walked off.

I told Simon what had happened when he came round that evening. “So you’re forming the Anti Jane Astley club, are you?”

“I wouldn’t say that, exactly.”

“Pity, I was going to join.”

“But she’s your sister?”

“I’ve been aware of that for longer than you, but she never quite drinks all the poison.”

“Don’t do that Simon, I couldn’t bear it if you weren’t there.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere—not without you.”

I felt a warm sensation swirling round me.

“There’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“I could speak to Mum but the last time anyone did, my lovely baby sister, destroyed them.”

“Oh, I guess that would apply to my mum as well.”

“Don’t even think about it, she is utterly ruthless.”

“I thought she was my friend,” I said feeling my eyes tearing up.

“She has no friends only victims.”

“What about Daisy?”

“Not sure about her, she could be equally psychotic.”

“If she does this all her life isn’t somebody going to hurt her back one day?”

“Yes please,” he said and I don’t think he was joking.

“Simon, she’s your sister,” I almost admonished him.

“Don’t I know it.”

“What’s she got on you?”

“You really want to know?”

“Do I?”

“I’ll tell you seeing as you haven’t worked it out—I fell in love with someone...”

“Who used to be a boy,” I finished the sentence for him then felt the tears start.

“I think I’m going to kill her if she blackmails her own brother.”

“Yeah, but think what would happen if you did—the publicity would destroy several lives and the law would wreck yours. It’s not worth it, she’s not worth it.”

“No, but you are.” I said trying to hold back the flood.

“But I’d lose you,” he said and I hugged him so tightly he complained about not being able to breathe.

When our passions had cooled a little I asked him what we did.

“We have to play her little game until she slips up and we can do something to her.”

“Like the shoplifting?”

“They only recovered a fraction of what those girls stole, for all we know she’s running another ring of victims to steal for her.”

“There is no way I’d steal for her.”

“You’ll be the exception then.”

“You haven’t have you?” From the silence that followed my question it became obvious that he had. I was disappointed but then realised he might have done it to protect me.

I determined if ever she tried to force me I’d speak with Mummy and then the police. It would be my word against hers but I’m damned if I’m going to break the law for a cow like Jane.

After Simon went home, Mum spotted there was something not right with me. She must be watching for it because she seems to pick up on it very quickly. Eventually she prised it out of me.

“Let me get this straight: you were out with Suzy when you bumped into Jane and her friend Daisy and she as good as told you that Suzy was gay and then told Suzy she wouldn’t be interested in you, implying you weren’t all girl—is that about it?”

“I think she’s also blackmailing Simon because he likes me.”

“And he knows your history, so is extra vulnerable.”

“I feel like I want to kill her.”

“Darling, violence is never justified.”

“I’d feel so much better.”

“Until she caught up with you again—and she would.”

“Yeah, I expect you’re right, again.” But the chance would be a fine thing.

“Look here young lady,” she finished, I braced myself for a broadside. “You’re heading for real trouble if you’re not careful. If Jane has this capacity to cause you, Simon or Suzy real embarrassment, then you need to box much more cleverly than you seem to be at the moment. There will be an opportunity in the future to do something to stop her or she’ll make a mistake, that is when you take action not knee jerk stuff now. I’ll speak to Mrs Astley, who will doubtless be horrified, and if she tries to make you do something illegal tell me and I’ll speak to the police, but for now, keep your powder dry and make as many friends and allies as you can.”

“So she can destroy them all?”

“No, so that you will have support if she does try to pull the plug on you. I’ll speak to your headmistress who I’m sure will be aware of Suzy’s history as well as yours, so might be able to intervene if Jane does try something.”

“Goodness, Mummy, this getting ridiculous. We’re schoolgirls yet you’re lining up the forces of law and order to try and control things. She’s a fourteen year old schoolgirl not the mafia.”

“From what you’ve told me, she’s a very slick operator and you’ve as good as admitted you can’t stop her, so somebody further up the food chain will have to. I happen to occupy that position, but I can only react to what you tell me she does, except to speak with the headmistress. She is obviously a very clever manipulator and if she is prepared to include her brother in her list of victims, she is very ruthless indeed, verging on what I suspect is some sort of mental problem like a personality disorder.”

I shrugged and went to bed, it was now out of my hands, after I finally got my mother to understand. At least she’s on my side which is more than Suzy appears to have.