“Mmph,” I moan as I wake up in my bed, my soft sheets huddled around my body- and only my body. I let out a sigh as I swing my soft, hairless legs out of bed and pad through to the bathroom for a long, hot shower, before drying myself and heading to the kitchen to make myself a much-needed cup of hot coffee- and take my much-needed oestrogen tablets. I try to force a smile on my face as I switch on the television, but it quickly disappears when I’m greeted by a trailer for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing, which starts tonight- and which features my Kayla.

Even though we’ve been a couple for almost a year, it’s still sometimes strange to think of Kayla as ‘my Kayla’. This could be because we were friends for a long time before becoming lovers, but I reckon it’s more likely to be because Kayla and I still haven’t gone public with our relationship, and the trailer I just saw on TV just hammers home why we haven’t gone public- because our relationship being revealed would affect more than just the two of us.

This- by which I mean ‘keeping personal information secret only for it to come out much later’- is something I have a lot of experience with, of course, virtually all of which was bad. What’s most frustrating is that when my dirty laundry got aired in public, Kayla was one of those who criticised me for keeping secrets from the rest of the band, only to now turn around and insist that our relationship remains a secret. Admittedly, the situation is different- the rest of the band all know about the two of us, for starters, as do many of our other friends. I just can’t help but be afraid of the public’s reaction when they eventually find out about us, whether or not we’ll receive the negative response that I did from many of our (now former) fans. Kayla doesn’t seem too fussed about it, but I wonder whether or not she thinks that it’s less a case of ‘when the fans find out’ or more ‘if the fans find out’.

Fortunately, both Kayla and I have had more than enough to distract us since our return from America. After our brief ‘holiday’ we were right back to work promoting our new album with TV appearances, meet and greets and the like, all of which helped keep it in the charts for a very long time and gave our bank balances a very welcome boost. We also recorded two new music videos, the first of which was released on YouTube last week and quickly amassed several million views, and we’re already working with Stuart on potential new songs for our fourth album.

We’ve been busy in a non-professional sense, too- since returning from America we’ve been to two weddings (our friends Jessica and Paige and our friends Krystie and Mikey), helped with the preliminary planning for weddings for both of my brothers’ fiancées, spent a week in Spain launching their version of the Angels (called 'Bellezas'), celebrated five birthdays (including my brother's), thrown parties for our friends Katie, Lauren, Ophelia starting new jobs (and the latter getting her long overdue SRS) and our fellow ‘Fellowship’ member Laura starting college (with another party imminent for 'Fellowship' member Ian starting university). It feels like we’re celebrating something every other day, and I am more than okay with this, not just because it distracts me from my relationship worries, but because it’s always nice to be able to celebrate the achievements of friends and family, even if said achievement is ‘became a year older’. Thursday's party didn't really help, however, given that its theme was 'Strictly Come Dancing'- and no prizes for guessing who was the guest of honour...

I’m forced to grin, though, as I check my phone’s calendar to see if I have anything planned for today (before tonight’s celebrations, anyway) and discover that today is yet another birthday- that of my American friend and fellow transwoman Alexa. Even though she doesn’t celebrate her birthday today (her wife was born on the 22nd of September, so they ‘average out’ their birthdays and celebrate together on the 15th), I make a mental note to text her later today (taking the time difference into account so as not to wake her) to say happy birthday. My presents for both Alexa and Jenny were, of course, sent to America weeks ago (along with plenty from the rest of the Heavenly Talent family) but a text message takes seconds to write and costs me nothing so really is the least I could do.

I’ve never had more friends than I do right now, and the more friends I make, the happier I am. Jamie is right when she says that you can never have too many friends, but some are always going to be closer than others. They’re the relationships that give you the most happiness- and the ones that cause you the most stress when things change, just as they’ve changed between myself and Kayla.

After breakfast, I change into a tight sweater, a cute pleated miniskirt and (of course) a pair of shiny knee-high boots, before grabbing my handbag and letting out a loud sigh as I leave the flat. Kayla was up and out extra early today to get to the studio, hence my lonely morning. This is likely to be the case every Saturday that Kayla remains in the competition, which also means that Friday nights out are probably going to be on hold as well- and, obviously, the regular Saturday night parties at Charlotte’s house will have a different ‘flavour’ to them as well. As will the lazy Saturday mornings I used to spend curled up on the sofa with Kayla playing videogames, watching Netflix or just simply cuddling. It should go without saying that I slept alone last night too.

Fortunately, as I’ve already mentioned, I’ve never had more friends than I do right now, and my two oldest friends (with the obvious exception of Kayla) are more than happy to keep me company, which is proved when they greet me with hugs as I approach the table where they’re sat in the crowded coffee shop.

“Hey Steph!” Becca giggles as I sit down with my sweet-smelling Cappuccino. “I would ask if you’re excited about tonight but I’m guessing your flatmate’s just a bit more excited, then?”

“Just a little bit, yeah!” I reply with a tired laugh.

“Ahh…” Adeola giggles. “And I would ask if you’re jealous, but there’s no way you could be as jealous as Miss Milton over there!”

“Oh- shut up,” Becca pouts, before giggling as her fiancé wraps an arm around her waist. “…Okay, maybe a bit. I mean- it’s Strictly, you know? An opportunity like this only comes along once every NEVER. And out of the four of us, yes, I did kinda hope that it’d be me, but- oh well. I’ll have to see if I can Celebrity Bake Off next year or something, heh.”

“You could always as the BBC if they’ll do Strictly Horse Dancing,” I tease, earning another giggle from the brown-haired girl.

“I wish!” Becca says with a grin.

“What’s stopping you from going on next year?” Riley asks, earning a loud sigh from his fiancée.

“The BBC only usually accept one person from a particular ‘group’,” Becca explains. “Kayla got the Out of Heaven ‘slot’.”

“Charlotte and Hannah from the Angels have both been on,” Marco- Adeola’s fiancé- says.

“Charlotte wasn’t an Angel when she went on,” Adeola explains. “She wasn’t even with Heavenly Talent, she was with Spencer and Hall at the time.”

“Who sent those two sisters on,” Riley says, sitting back with a smug grin on his face.

“Exactly,” Becca retorts. “Two sisters, a gimmick.”

“Heh, speaking of ‘gimmicks’,” I say, “I half expected me to be the one getting the call this year, ‘cause of, well, you know.”

“Ahh,” Adeola says with a knowing smile. “And the award for ‘most jealous’ goes to…”

“Oh- shut up, I am not jealous,” I reply. “Well- maybe a little. But you’ve seen what our fans have written, 16 series and still no trans celebrities on Strictly? And ‘cause Jamie’s not going to get a shot, I thought- well, you know, I’d be next up.”

“There was a LOT of negative feedback on social media about you not getting the spot,” Riley (who works for Heavenly Talent as one of their social media people) confirms in a quiet voice.

“And, you know,” I say with a heavy sigh. “I- I’m jealous of the show taking away my ‘Kayla time’, heh. You wouldn't believe just how hyper she's been the last few weeks. I mean, like, all the time.”

“You two really are getting serious, aren’t you?” Adeola asks in a quiet, serious voice.

“Been together ten months,” I shrug. “Been best friends even longer. It’s going to take some time to adjust to.”

“It’ll only be until Christmas at the latest,” Adeola says softly. “And Uncle Joshua’s said he can’t spare Kayla for the Strictly tour next year ‘cause we’ll be touring then too, so, well, yeah.”

“But he can spare her for when we go to America?” I sigh. “I know, the show gets millions of viewers and it’s big business, but still- gah. Ah well, like you said, it’s just a few months, then we’ll be back to reality.”

“If by ‘reality’ you mean ‘being rich and super-famous singers who may soon have a foothold in America’?” Becca asks with a smug grin.

“You know damn well that’s what I mean!” I reply with a giggle, earning cheers from my bandmates. “Ahh… Not like we haven’t been on plenty of other shows, right?”

“Too right!” Adeola squeaks. “I got to meet Johnny Vegas a few months ago, hehe!”

“Really?” Becca asks sarcastically. “You should’ve said something…”

“Oh- ha ha,” Adeola snorts as I giggle- meeting the famous comedian is something Adeola’s been going about for what feels like years.

“Should I be jealous?” Marco asks, smirking as Adeola rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at him. “I’m just glad you’re not on Strictly though, the ‘Strictly Curse’ isn’t something I could cope- umm, with…?” The black-haired model’s voice trails off as he senses two angry glares shoot in his direction, accompanied by an uncomfortable look from me.

“Marco…” Adeola growls quietly.

“S- sorry…” Marco mumbles.

“Nah, it’s fine,” I sigh. “Not like I haven’t thought the same thing. But it’ll be fine, like you say, it’s only for a few weeks, a few months at most. And it really, really does make Kayla REALLY happy.”

“I bet!” Becca chuckles. “Ahh… We’re all going to definitely try to get tickets to the show, right?”

“Like Uncle Joshua won’t let us?” Adeola giggles. “Especially for the final, if Kayla gets that far.”

“Like she won’t?” Becca chuckles. “Either way, it’ll be a fun few months for her. Doesn’t mean it can’t be fun for all of us too, Steph.”

“I know,” I sigh. “And I am definitely going to try to be positive, you know, for Kayla’s sake. And mine, heh. Probably wouldn’t be able to dance as well in boots anyway, hehe!” I earn giggles from both of my bandmates as I show off the shiny black boots covering my legs from the knee downwards.

I put on a brave face for the rest of the lunch and eventually leave just before 2pm, returning home to find everything in my flat exactly where I’d left it when I left earlier today. Everywhere I've lived, I've always had company, whether it's family or friends, and it's always been a source of comfort to me when I return home to find things moved around, even if it's just crockery or the TV remote. Coming home to find everything untouched just drives home how lonely I feel right now...

After a very boring afternoon and a quick microwave dinner, I change out of my comfortable sweater and skirt into a cute mini skater dress (though the boots naturally stay on) and give my make-up a quick touch up before the taxi arrives to whisk me to the familiar surroundings of the Hartley family home. Naturally, the atmosphere is electric when I enter the vast, but still packed L-shaped main room, where I’m immediately greeted by the party’s host- herself an alumnus of the show.

“Hey Steph!” Charlotte squeaks excitedly as we exchange a gentle hug. “Launch night tonight, hehe!”

“Yep!” I reply with a forced giggle.

“So…” Charlotte says in a teasing voice. “Did Kayla get ANY sleep last night?”

“Meh, probably, I guess,” I reply.

“Wait, so- so didn’t- didn’t you two-“ Charlotte stammers, sighing as I shake my head. “Meh, guess that’s for the best, you’d hardly have got any sleep either, hehe! I remember before my first show in 2012, I hardly slept for a week beforehand, heh. Have you heard from her today?”

“Umm, no, think she’s too busy, you know, getting ready, that sort of thing,” I reply.

“Huh,” Charlotte says. “Guess it must’ve changed a bit from when I was on, I had loads of downtime between rehearsals, make-up and the like and texted Keith pretty much the whole time, hehe!”

“Heh,” I half-heartedly chuckle. “Did- did it take up, you know, a lot of your life?”

“Ugh, it DOMINATED it,” Charlotte chuckles. “but in a good way, you know? It’s a once in a lifetime experience and I am SO glad I got to do it.”

“Do you still keep in touch with, you know, your partner?” I ask.

“Who, Matt?” Charlotte replies. “We exchange Christmas cards every years, wouldn’t say we were super close though. It’s been six years and- heh, a LOT of things have changed.”

“Three kids, for starters?” I ask, smirking as the blonde woman giggles.

“For starters, yeah!” Charlotte says. “Even after shifting the baby weight I probably couldn’t get into any of the costumes I wore back then, heh!” I giggle along with the blonde woman as a couple more partygoers approach us- one of whom has the same smile on her face as Charlotte.

“Hey Steph!” The ever-radiant Hannah Dexter squeaks as she and her best friend both greet me with excited hugs. “Big night tonight, hehe!”

“Yep!” I reply.

“Sarah’s set up the big screen so we’re all ready to go, hehe!” Viks giggles as she leads me further into the room, where BBC1 is currently being projected onto one of the side walls and several chairs have been set up, turning the room almost into a mini-cinema. Before I can make my way to the bar (where my brother thankfully ISN’T working tonight), my ever-expanding ‘group’ is ambushed by another nationally famous partygoer with an excited grin on her face.

“Hello Steph!” Malaika says in her soft African accent. “Excited about tonight?”

“Not as much as her roommate, I’d bet!” Viks teases, forcing another giggle from me even as our friend Katie approaches brandishing her camera.

“Big smiles, girlies!” The freckled woman says, and Hannah, Viks, Malaika and I all grin as Katie takes a picture of us that will inevitably end up on all of the Heavenly Talent social media pages, and quite possibly the main website as well. Before I even have the chance to breathe after the photo, we’re approached by yet another excited, yet friendly face.

“Yoo-hoo!” Serena- a fashion blogger and model who recently got signed to Heavenly Talent- coos as she approaches us.

“Hey Serena!” Hannah giggles as she exchanges a hug with the younger blonde woman. “Looking forward to tonight?”

“Too right I am!” Serena squeaks excitedly. “And I am DEFINITELY going to try to get tickets when I can, hehe!”

“Kinda in a queue there, Serena!” I tease, making my newest friend giggle.

“Oh- sorry, sorry!” Serena says, her cheeks flushing. “Room-mates get first dibs, heh!” I giggle and nod- Serena, as a more ‘outer’ member of the ‘extended family’, doesn’t know about mine and Kayla’s relationship. Naturally, she’s yet another person who causes me worry about how she'll react when she finds out.

“Kayla will be on the show for a long time, so you’ll get your chance!” Malaika chuckles. “Has your YouTube channel reached a hundred thousand subscribers yet?”

“No, but it’s getting close!” Serena replies as I take the opportunity to slink away toward the bar, where yet more friends, both old and new, are sat.

“Hey Steph!” Mary says as I sit down next to her and two other new, but still familiar faces. “You know Caoimhe and Sophie, right?”

“Yep!” I giggle, thinking back to June when I and the rest of the band were in Dublin helping to launch Ireland’s ‘Angels’. “Why are you two over today? Visiting your sister?”

"Yeah, Eilish has been pestering me for months to come and visit her!" Caoimhe- whose sister is Charlotte's children's nanny- replies.

“And we're also over for this, of course!” Sophie chuckles in her soft Irish accent. “We always try to catch the BBC feed of Strictly when we can, and we’re trying to get one of us on Dancing With the Stars back home in the new year."

“Aww, Kayla will be so chuffed to hear that!” I say with a smile- as mixed as my emotions are right now, knowing that Kayla has friends rooting for her is a source of comfort, just as it is knowing that these women are all my friends as well. To say nothing of the fact that all of the women I’ve spoken to this evening were born female, but don’t even blink at the fact that I, born with the name ‘Stephen’, am stood in front of them wearing a flirty minidress and a pair of sexy boots..

Mere minutes later, the room quietens and people start taking their seats as the previous program ends and the family strains of the Strictly Come Dancing theme tune fill the room. The air in the room is electric with excitement, which isn't unusual for the launch episode of a show we all love, but when Kayla appears on the screen, the entire room erupts with excitement. And despite my conflicted emotions, I allow myself to feel excited too- not just to 'keep up appearances', but because I am genuinely happy for Kayla, and I can tell by the look on her face just how much fun she's having living out her dream. As excited as I am, I'm also proud- but also jealous...

Eventually, the program comes to an end, but this just causes the party to kick into high gear as the chairs are cleared away, the music starts and people immediately start dancing. I, however, am not one of them, instead plopping down on one of the room’s many sofas and checking my phone to see if Kayla’s made contact.

“I think there’s a saying about people who sit and check their phone at parties?” My friend Sarah teases as she sits down next to me.

“Oh- shut up,” I reply as my friend giggles. “Where’s your other half?”

“Jamie nicked her, wanted to record a birthday message for Alexa,” Sarah says. “Nikki sent our text at about 11am so I’m looking forward to several sleepless nights before I go back to uni, heh.”

“Heh,” I say.

“Speaking of texts,” Sarah says with an excited squeak, “anything from our own dancing queen yet?”

“Not yet,” I reply, putting my phone back in my handbag. “Probably too busy at the afterparty, heh.”

“If you can call that ‘work’!” Sarah giggles. “I’d give my right arm to be on that show, heh!”

“How would you be able to design your own costumes with only one arm?” I reply, smirking as Sarah sticks her tongue out at me.

“Tell Kayla when you see her that the costumes are coming along nicely,” Sarah giggles. “Like, for her birthday? Obvious what the theme’s gonna be, right?”

“I think even if she hadn’t been on the show, heh,” I reply. “You’re making dresses for everyone? Don’t you have uni and the other girls have jobs?”

“Not for EVERYONE,” Sarah replies. “Got enough of a backlog as it is! Just the six of us, you and Kayla. Should be done long before her birthday.”

“Cool,” I say, earning a quizzical stare from my friend. “…What?”

“Oh, nothing,” Sarah giggles. “It’s just that I just told you I’m making you a bespoke dress for a party and I haven’t been pestered for details?”

“Oh- don’t get me wrong, THAT is something I’m looking forward to!” I chuckle. “I just- I’m just a little, you know, distracted…” My friend sighs and nods at this revelation, instantly knowing what the issue is.

“Everything okay between you and Kayla?” Sarah asks quietly.

“…It’s taking a bit of getting used to, this ‘new routine’,” I reply. “Kayla’s been so preoccupied this last few weeks and I’ve been so NOT preoccupied that I have a lot of time to kill and it seems like no one to kill it with.”

“Other than your dozens of friends and millions of fans?” Sarah asks, before smiling sympathetically. “It’s okay, I get it, I’ve been in the same position, believe it or not.”

“What, watching Nikki have some new and exciting adventure while you’re stuck at home?” I ask.

“Never said I was in the same position as you,” Sarah says with a nervous chuckle. “I- I was in the same position as Kayla. When I started uni, along with the rest of the girls, and Nikki went to work instead… She kinda felt left out, you know? Didn’t help that we met Jacinta at the same time, so she felt like she was being replaced by her too, heh.”

“I guess, yeah,” I reply, smiling at my friend’s attempt to make me feel better. “How- how did you two work through it?”

“With this,” Sarah replies, pointing to the third finger on her left hand (specifically, the jewellery adorning it). “Would recommend talking to Kayla before you do anything this drastic though, heh!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. As much as I love Kayla, going THAT far is something I’m really not prepared to do just yet. Especially as there’s no guarantee she’d say ‘yes’… “Is- is Nikki free to talk at any point this week?”

“I won’t take that personally, though I do get why everyone would want to talk to her,” Sarah replies with a grin. “And to answer your question, I’m afraid not, her schedule’s packed out this week and next with LFW coming up.”

“Yeah, I figured that might take up a lot of her time,” I chuckle.

“And once that’s done, she’ll be sorting everything out for the America trip,” Sarah sighs with a sympathetic smile, though the smile becomes a lot less sympathetic and a lot more lustful when her wife arrives and exchanges a loving kiss with her.

“Hey babe,” Nikki purrs, grinning as Sarah stealthily slides her hand up her short leather skirt. “Hey Steph, Kayla looked GREAT tonight!”

“She usually does,” I reply with a grin.

“Heard from her yet?” Nikki asks, forcing me to try not to grimace.

“Not yet,” I shrug. “She’s probably busy with all the interviews and [s**t], heh.”

“I suppose,” Nikki shrugs. “Meantime, I am in a dancing mood…”

“You do NOT need to tell me twice!” Sarah giggles, taking her wife’s hand and following her into the crowd of dancers.

I stay out of the crowd for the rest of the night, choosing instead to flit between the bar and the sofas while I regularly check my phone for any updates from my girlfriend- none of which are forthcoming, of course. I eventually head home just after 12:30am to once again find the flat just as I’d left it, eliciting a long sigh from me. I waste no time in removing my make-up, brushing my teeth and climbing into bed, where despite my concern for my relationship, I quickly fall into a deep sleep.

When I wake up the following morning, I’m disappointed (but not surprised) to find myself alone in my bed, though the sound of the television coming from the living room does at least put a smile on my face. Sure enough, when I head through, I find my girlfriend huddled up on the sofa watching TV with a bowl of cereal in her hand. Her look is a far, far cry from her glamorous look on television last night- her face is scrubbed free of make-up, her shoulder-length blonde hair is loose and messy and her body is covered in her favourite pink pyjamas. And yet, when she smiles upon seeing me for the first time today, I can’t help but see her as the most beautiful girl in the world.

“Morning Steph!” Kayla giggles, immediately snuggling into me as I sit down next to her.

“Morning, sexy and talented dancer!” I reply, making the blonde girl squeak excitedly. “So… How wa-“

“Oh my god, it was AMAZING!” Kayla enthusiastically interrupts, her eyes instantly widening. “I mean yes, I’ve been there before, we both have, but it is SO different to be there, you know, for real!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle, trying to force a smile on my face that my girlfriend immediately sees through.

“…Steph?” Kayla asks, her enthusiasm fading but her smile not. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I reply, before sighing. “…No exactly. I- I missed seeing you yesterday, you know? I mean, I get you were busy, but you didn’t even text…”

“Huh,” Kayla muses, her demeanour making it clear that she’d not even considered how I might be feeling. “Well- I’m sorry, honestly I am. I guess- I guess I just got caught up with things, heh.”

“…Yeah, easily done, I guess,” I giggle, bringing the smile and the excitement back to my girlfriend’s face.

“I suppose,” Kayla shrugs. “I promise I’ll text in future, heh. Honestly, I was kinda expecting you to be jealous, you know? I know people online are saying, you know, that I’ve taken ‘your space’ on the show…”

“I’m not jealous,” I shrug. “Maybe a little, but, you know? It’s not like my life isn’t really great as it is?”

“Really?” Kayla asks. “’Cause I remember being REALLY jealous that time you were on Celebrity Juice…”

“Yep, I remember,” I chuckle, thinking back to the time (that was thankfully before we became lovers) when Kayla refused to speak to me for almost three days. “Really though, I’m more jealous of the show for taking away my ‘Kayla time’.”

“D’aww,” Kayla giggles, before cuddling even closer to me.

“And you could’ve woken me up when you got in,” I say. “When did you get in, anyway?”

“Just before 1,” Kayla replies. “You were already asleep, I figured you’d had a few at Charlotte’s, heh!”

“If you got in before 1 I wouldn’t have been asleep long,” I say. “And I didn’t have THAT many, I’m not hungover today. And you know I don’t mind you waking me up, right?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kayla replies.

“Where were you, anyway?” I ask. “Big party with the other contestants?”

“Umm- no, I was in the hotel bar with my parents,” Kayla responds in an almost confused tone of voice. “They were staying at a hotel in London, you know they don’t get to visit often, right?”

“They could’ve stayed here overnight,” I reply.

“Meh, it was a posh hotel and the BBC were paying for it,” Kayla says, pausing briefly to think before letting out a playful chuckle. “Besides, this way, we get to spend Sunday morning together, don’t we? Didn’t you tell me once that you love Sunday mornings?”

“There are worse times of the week,” I say, giving my petite girlfriend a tight cuddle. “What time are your parents going home?”

“Later this afternoon,” my girlfriend replies. “Think they want to look around London a bit first, they don’t get to come up here often.”

“Why don’t we meet up, give them a tour?” I suggest. “I mean, I AM a native Londoner…”

“Eh, don’t really like being hounded for autographs and selfies when I’m out with my parents, it’s not fair on them,” Kayla replies, before grinning and snuggling her body close to mine. “Besides, I’ve gone 24 hours without any of THESE. That’s far too long, right?”

“Right,” I say with a giggle as I snuggle closer to the pyjama-clad girl. “You even gonna bother getting dressed today?”

“Probably not,” Kayla giggles as I smile and feel myself relaxing. Sure, Kayla did have fun yesterday, but it’s me she’s snuggled up to right now- and there’s nowhere either of us would rather be.

Neither of us leave the house for the rest of the day, though we do eventually get dressed, albeit at about 1pm and only in leggings and t-shirts. We indulge in what my oldest brother would call a ‘wasted day’- playing videogames and watching television for most of the day. The only ‘productive’ thing I do all day is buy a leotard online for use in my Halloween costume, though even that was part of a larger lot of shopping (which I obviously count as ‘fun’ rather than ‘work’).

Eventually, the time comes for us to head to bed, causing my smile to fade even as my pyjama-clad girlfriend slides into bed next to me. Today was fun, relaxing and blissful, but tomorrow is going to be the start of the ‘new normal’- Kayla will be up early and at dance practice with her partner, leaving the rest of the band, especially me, at a loose end all day.

Sure enough, the alarm on Kayla’s phone wakes us just after 8 o’clock the following morning, and I let out a quiet whimper as she kicks back her covers and slides out of bed.

“I’ll be back this afternoon, don’t worry,” Kayla whispers, silencing my complaints with a kiss before heading through to the shower.

I remain in bed as she leaves the flat, getting up with a loud sigh a few minutes later and crashing on the sofa with my breakfast and my phone, immersing myself in Facebook in the hopes of distracting myself from my loneliness and boredom. Admittedly, this is exactly what I was doing yesterday, but the difference between yesterday and today should be obvious.

Naturally, Facebook does nothing to alleviate by stress and boredom, forcing me to let out a long sigh as I open up the private Heavenly Talent WhatsApp group. A while ago, when many of the Angels became mothers for the first time, they set up a special ‘code’ you could type into the group chat for when you really need company. Eventually, the childless among us were also allowed to use the ‘code’ on the grounds that we don’t abuse it, and while I’ve never had cause to use it before, I certainly do now. Even if Kayla will see it when she checks the group later…

‘Bananas’, I type, cringing at the silliness of the word as I press ‘send’. It was chosen to try to help put a smile on the face of the person having to type it, but in my case it just makes me feel all the more self-conscious about what I’m asking. Fortunately, all the people in the group understand the meaning of the word and are sympathetic to my reasons for typing it, as proved by the messages that almost immediately start coming my way.

‘Yep, I know that feeling well,’ Viks types with a smiling emoji. She’s someone who used the codeword a lot while she was on her ‘maternity leave’, thanks largely to how busy her partner and best friend were. I often wonder whether or not I have it better or worse by having the same person fill both roles for me. ‘Looking at preschools today, otherwise would’ve loved to.’

‘Nm,’ I reply with a smiling emoji of my own that really doesn’t reflect my mood right now.

‘And yes, I will let your brother know what I find out,’ Viks types with a ‘winking’ emoji- she, like Tom, is determined that their kids (along with Mary, Krystie and Jamie’s daughters) grow up together as a ready-made ‘group’ from birth. They’re all already signed up to Krystie’s ballet school, they all already attend each other’s birthday parties and go on regular playdates. I’m often bewildered by how well Tom fits in with the celebrity parents, until I remember that he would do absolutely anything for my niece. He really is a much better father than he was a brother.

‘Good,’ Krystie types with a ‘laughing’ emoji. ‘Make sure they know to keep Wednesday mornings free!’

‘Duh!’ Viks replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘But we’re getting off-topic here. Anyone want to babysit the less cute Stephanie Abbott today?’ I roll my eyes at the ‘insult’ and send an appropriate emoji in the chat, though I’m forced to admit that my niece and namesake is considerably cuter than me!

‘Already busy all day babysitting a different celeb,’ Nikki types with a ‘winking’ emoji. I giggle before groaning at the next message that comes through- or rather, groaning at who the message is from.

‘I’m free as long as you don’t mind also babysitting?’ Jamie types with a ‘smiling’ emoji. While my relationship with Jamie is much improved from where it was two years ago (when it really couldn’t have got any worse) and I definitely consider her to be a friend, there are others I’d much rather spend time with. However, desperate times…

‘Sounds great!’ I type, sighing as I send the message and head to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

A short while later, I head through the front door of our favourite coffee shop, smiling and waving at the fans that had congregated outside before quickly locating my ‘babysitter’ for the morning, who coincidentally is sat with her baby daughter.

“Hey Steph!” Jamie says with a warm smile as she greets me with a hug and air kisses. I’ll never get over how natural it feels to share that kind of greeting with someone else who was born male.

“Hi Jamie!” I reply, before giggling and turning my attention to the grinning 17 month old girl in her high chair. “Hi Olivia! Got a kiss for auntie Steph?” Jamie and I both giggle as I crouch down beside the infant and she gives me a playful kiss on my cheek.

“Ahh, good girl,” Jamie says with a proud smile as Olivia gets back to playing with her toy. “So, you’re painfully lonely today, then?”

“Say it a bit louder, please?” I retort, before smirking. “But yeah, I guess I am, heh.”

“Don’t worry, I know the feeling of being a ‘Strictly Widow’,” Jamie chuckles. “Though that was six years ago, heh.”

“Were you still living with Charlotte then?” I ask.

“Practically joined at the hip!” Jamie chuckles. “Back then the only other people I hung out with were Krystie and Mary. Well, and my then-boyfriend, but the less said about HIM the better, heh.”

“Yeah, I remember the stories,” I say, thinking back to Jamie’s tales of her first boyfriend Paul- and how cruelly he dumped her. “Glad I never met him, heh.”

“Are you sure you didn’t?” Jamie asks as she sips her fancy cup of coffee. “He went out with Dannii Samson for a while and I’m sure that was after Out of Heaven were formed.”

“Meh, might have done then,” I shrug. “Now Dannii I DO remember, ugh.”

“Yep,” Jamie sighs.

“Is she out of prison yet?” I ask.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Jamie replies. “You sell drugs then as far as I’m concerned you can stay in there forever. Take it from someone who has first-hand experience of that type of sh- umm, those types of people.”

“Yeah, I remember you telling me about that too,” I say with a grimace. “Sometimes I do feel guilty about how lucky I’ve been with my transition, my family and friends… Even when I haven’t exactly been, well, ‘grateful’, heh.”

“Stress is a tough thing to deal with,” Jamie says softly. “So is any- umm…“

“Any mental illness?” I ask. “It’s okay. No need to be sensitive just ‘cause I’ve spent time in a nut house…”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jamie whispers, a guilty look spreading across her face. “God knows you probably didn’t cheer when my name came up on WhatsApp, heh.”

“…I was happy enough,” I say with a sympathetic smile. “Seriously, already you’ve taken my mind off of Kayla and- well, off of Kayla at least.”

“Guessing a lot of the crowd outside were asking about her?” Jamie asks, gesturing over her shoulder to the still-excited fans camped outside the front entrance of the shop and smiling as I nod. “Heh, they even asked ME about her. Kinda hard not to be jealous under those circumstances, am I right?”

“A bit,” I shrug. “Even after nearly four years it’s still exciting when anyone asks you for a selfie, heh!”

“Oh, definitely,” my friend replies. “In many ways I’ve been just as lucky as you have, maybe even luckier. Definitely luckier in one way, heh.” I smile happily as Jamie gives her squirming daughter a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“I think she’s getting a bit restless,” I sigh. “Did- did I keep you waiting long?”

“No, think she’s just getting to THAT age,” Jamie chuckles. “I’m raising a little diva, aren’t I, Olivia? And don’t say ‘like mother like daughter’.”

“Wasn’t even thinking it,” I say with a smug grin that elicits a sigh and a chuckle from my friend. “Do- do we need to go-“

“No, she’ll be fine,” Jamie says, fussing over her daughter in an attempt to calm her down. “She’ll need to be in a few years when she starts school. Heh, can’t believe Kristina-Leigh is already there!”

“Now that IS a terrifying thought, heh!” I chuckle. “Ahh… Bet she looked SO cute in her little uniform. Have Mary or Dan put any pictures on Facebook or Instagram?”

“Think they’re a bit sensitive about, you know, ‘exposing’ their girls that way,” Jamie says. “Can’t say I blame them. All very well and good us loving the attention, but kids should be allowed to be kids, you know?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m nodding and agreeing even though I’m not a parent myself, heh. Don’t even have any younger siblings!”

“You’re 22, I’ll let you off,” Jamie chuckles. “Ahh… God knows I wasn’t even thinking about starting a family when I was 22.”

“Too busy being envious of Charlotte dancing on TV?” I ask.

“Among other things, heh,” Jamie chuckles. “Though obviously we were never as close as you and Kayla.”

“You- you two never thought about-“ I hesitantly ask.

“Ew, no offence- to either you or Charlotte- but, well, ew!” Jamie chuckles. “I- I dunno, really. I never really thought of Charlotte in those terms, not seriously, anyway, she’s always been- well, umm…”

“Friendzoned?” I ask.

“For lack of a MUCH better way of putting it, yeah,” Jamie says. “I will admit, when you and Kayla first got together, I wasn’t sure, but you really do have something special, the two of you, and I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say.

“You wouldn’t be so stressed if you didn’t really love her,” Jamie gently advises. “Though it is okay to be jealous of the attention she’s getting too. God knows me and Joshua have been lobbying the BBC for AGES to get a girl like us on the show but, well, not this year.”

“Yeah,” I sigh sadly. “Oh well. Not like I’ve completely faded away into obscurity, heh. You got any upcoming appearances?”

“Might be on the new series of the Last Leg, nothing beyond that,” Jamie replies. “Though aren’t you going to do the Strictly companion show? With Kayla, I mean?”

“Maybe,” I shrug. “Hopefully, I dunno. I mean, she deserves the fame, sure, but- the timing of all this could’ve been better.”

“Yep, that’s for sure,” Jamie sighs.

“But then again, I’m one to talk,” I sigh.

“I wasn’t thinking that,” Jamie says with a smile. “If I’m allowed to make a guess, I’m going to say that you’re worried that Kayla loves the fame more than she loves you, right?”

“No,” I say defensively, before sighing. “Maybe…”

“Believe me, you don’t need to worry,” Jamie says. “I can see the way Kayla looks at you just as well as the way you look at her. Strictly will be a months at most. You and her will be for a lot longer.”

“I hope so,” I say with a sigh as I sit back in my chair.

Jamie and Olivia ‘babysit’ me until just before 1pm, when the little one starts to become grumpy and Jamie decides to take her home for her nap. This is still more than enough time to cover no end of different topics- upcoming parties for Ian starting university and for Jamie’s birthday next week, discussion about my friend Ellie who is also starting university soon, our upcoming trip to America in November, our trip to Spain this summer just gone and countless other topics. And as trivial as the conversations were, they worked- they took my mind off of Kayla and reassured me that no matter what, I’d always have friends who loved me- even if they may have been former enemies.

After leaving the coffee shop, I briefly head home to change into a pair of comfortable yet trendy skinny jeans and a loose long-sleeved top, before following Jamie’s advice and heading straight to the office that’s become a safe haven for me over the last four years.

“Hi Stephanie!” Dr Phillips says with a smile as I sit down on her comfortable sofa. “I’m guessing you want to start today by talking about Saturday?”

“Good guess,” I reply “Were you watching on Saturday?”

“I was,” the fifty year old woman replies. “Kayla looked really good, Sarah told me yesterday that there was a lot of excitement at the party. But I’m guessing you had other feelings about it?”

“Yeah, kind of,” I sigh. “Envy is one of them, I was talking to Jamie just now and we both agree that it should’ve been a transgendered girl on the show. Or basically, me.”

“That’s a natural feeling to have,” Dr Phillips says. “It’s a wonderful opportunity for anyone to have.”

“I don’t begrudge Kayla wanting to be on the show,” I say. “Though it’s not like she hasn’t already had a massive opportunity of a lifetime…”

“The same opportunity you had?” Dr Phillips asks, momentarily frustrated me before I’m forced to nod and concede the point.

“Yes, that opportunity,” I sigh. “In more ways than one. I do sometimes wonder if ‘Steve’ would still be a thing if I hadn’t passed the audition.”

“I trust that ‘it’ hasn’t reappeared recently?” Dr Phillips asks cautiously.

“No, ‘Steve’ is in the past,” I reassure my counsellor. “Where ‘it’ belongs.”

“Good,” Dr Phillips says with a smile. “It’s important that we see everything as a chance to move forward, even if it can seem on the surface like a setback. The only real setbacks are the ones we allow to be imposed on us- or that we impose ourselves.”

“Definitely,” I say, nodding in agreement. “I just- is- is it wrong to feel this, you know… Needy?”

“Everyone has needs,” Dr Phillips advises. “The trick is trying to make sure your needs don’t clash with the needs of the people around you- particularly the people you love. And as old-fashioned as it sounds, women and men do have different needs, especially on an emotional level.”

“After eleven months, you’d have thought me and Kayla would’ve figured out each other’s needs,” I snort.

“You can be married for years and not know everything about your partner,” Dr Phillips reassures me. “You knew from before you started the relationship that Kayla is a highly ambitious young woman.”

“Well- yes, true,” I concede. “It’s just- I- I want to be there, you know? I want the world to know about us. If it’d been next year and we were out in the open, I’d have been absolutely over the moon if Kayla went on Strictly.”

“Have you told Kayla this?” Dr Phillips asks, smiling sympathetically as I sigh in response. “I think you know by now what my advice would be there.”

“Trust me, I’ve become a fan of the whole ‘not keeping secrets’ thing,” I snort.

“It’s important to be open in a relationship, especially when it comes to emotions,” Dr Phillips says. “Empathy is one of the key ingredients of a successful relationship.”

“I like to think I have empathy,” I shrug. “I make time for Kayla, her feelings…”

“Does she make as much time for you?” Dr Phillips asks, smiling as I frown in confusion. “Empathy is a key ingredient in both people involved in a relationship.”

“Kayla’s empathetic,” I retort. “She’s sweet, kind, one of the friendliest people I know…”

“Oh, I know, and I agree with you,” Dr Phillips says. “But it’s easy to get caught up in your own business and not even realise. Have you ever talked to Nikki about this sort of thing?” I smirk as thanks to my conversations on Saturday night, I know exactly what my counsellor is referring to.

“I’ve gone one better,” I chuckle. “I talked to Sarah about it. On Saturday, actually.” Needless to say, the mention of her daughter elicits a smile from the middle-aged woman.

“Good,” Dr Phillips says.

“I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to raise it with Kayla without sounding like I’m crapping all over her success, though,” I sigh.

“If Kayla is as empathetic as we both know her to be, you shouldn’t need to explicitly raise the issue,” Dr Phillips says. “Just ‘nudge’ the conversation in that direction and I’m sure she’ll pick up on your feelings.”

“I hope so,” I shrug.

"You're entitled to have needs too, you know," Dr Phillips reassures me.

"I know, I know," I say with a heavy sigh. "It's just- what I need right now is Kayla..."

The topic of my relationship remains at the forefront for the rest of my session with Dr Phillips, and as always, I leave the office with a lot to think about. Despite my counsellor’s reassurances that my feelings and my needs are just as valid and important as my girlfriend’s, I can’t help but feel like I’m being selfish every time I think about how to raise the issue with Kayla.

…And every time I stress out about it, I feel even more guilty for feeling anxious about how the woman I love will react. Sure, Kayla can have a fierce temper for someone so (outwardly) sweet, but we’ve been girlfriends for almost a year and best friends for even longer than that. In many ways, I know Kayla better than I do my own brothers. And I know how obsessed and, worst of all, unpredictable she can get when she’s set her mind to something- and something like Strictly is about as ‘obsessive’ as it’s possible for Kayla to get.

However, I know better than anyone that not talking about my problems is only ever a recipe for disaster. The fact that I pass several railway stations on the way back to the flat just drives that point home.

When I arrive back home, the flat is once again quiet, with everything just as I left it this morning. I’ve never lived alone before- it’s always been with either my parents or a flatmate- and I certainly don’t feel like starting now. I sigh as I drop my handbag on the sofa and pick up the Switch controller that was discarded there last night, hoping that a lengthy Splatoon 2 session will ease my stress.

The plan works better than I expected as I’m still gaming over an hour later, when the front door opens and my girlfriend enters the house, her sweat-stained top and leggings betraying how hard she’s practised today.

“Hey Kayla,” I say with forced enthusiasm as the petite girl drops her bag on the floor and dramatically flops onto the sofa next to me. “…Long day, then?”

“More like exhausting!” Kayla chuckles. “But a LOT of fun, heh! It’s much more intensive than, like, when we’re rehearsing for a video, you have to watch where you’re placing every single toe it seems.”

"Mm-hmm," I say.

"Though I've already been measured for my first costume!" Kayla squeaks. "I SO can't wait to try it on for the first time, I mean, yes, we wear costumes in our videos, but, you know?"

“Cool,” I reply, though even this is enough to make my girlfriend groan and me cringe.

“Ugh, Steph…” Kayla sighs, before turning her head and smiling at me sympathetically. “I saw the WhatsApp message.”

“Ah- yeah…” I grimace.

“Steph, it- it’s okay if you’re feeling a little down,” Kayla says softly. “God knows I would be if it was the other way round. And not just ‘cause it’d be you on TV every Saturday, heh.” I smile genuinely and gratefully at Kayla’s admission- as always, Dr Phillips has been proved right, and as always, I was getting worked up over nothing.

“It’s not the fact that you’re on the show that gets me down at all,” I confess. “It’s the fact that I keep coming home to an empty flat, that I didn’t even see you on Saturday, that- that I’m going to have to share you when I really don’t want to.”

“Aww, Steph…” Kayla sighs, leaning in to give me a tight hug, which would be welcome but for one thing.

“…You’re really sweaty, you know?” I say, before shrieking as Kayla playfully flicks some of her fresh perspiration at my face.

“You GIRL,” Kayla says, before giggling and leaning in for a long, soft kiss. “I- I was thinking about you the whole way home.” I smile at this revelation, even as it brings tears to my eyes. “And- and I’m sorry if I haven’t made enough time for you. This- this whole thing has just been so overwhelming, it- it-“

“I’m sorry too,” I interrupt. “Ugh, sorry I was so needy, so moody… Of course you deserve to have this opportunity, I shouldn’t be so whiny about the whole thing.”

“No, trust me, you whine if you want to,” Kayla says. “I had so much fun today, but in the taxi ride home, all I could think about was how much I was looking forward to seeing you.”

“Aww- aww, Kayla…” I sniff, biting my lip as tears start to freely flow from my eyes.

“Okay, yes, I love the whole ‘celebrity’ thing,” Kayla says. “Shock horror, I know, right? But- but I also love, well, this.”

“I love this too,” I say in a hoarse whisper.

“I don’t- I don’t get why you worry so much,” Kayla says. “You’re too obsessed with this whole ‘Curse of Strictly’ thing. If I wasn’t happy with you, would I have stuck with you for a whole year when I- hell, when both of us could have any guy we wanted?”

“Really?” I ask. “’Any’ guy I wanted?”

“Really,” Kayla insists firmly. “It’s 2018, people don’t care about that anymore. And before you say anything, any guy who’s a troglodyte about the whole thing wouldn’t be a guy you wanted in the first place, would he- sorry, would ‘it’?”

“…No, ‘it’ wouldn’t,” I chuckle. “So… You’re happy being a lesbian, then?”

“Blissfully,” Kayla says, exchanging another gentle kiss with me.

“Even when we’re ‘out’?” I ask, biting my lip as Kayla’s face quickly falls into a deep frown. “I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-“

“No, you’re right,” Kayla says. “And you know how much I wish it was that easy, god knows we’ve talked about it enough. And yes, if it wasn’t for Strictly, we would be out right now, I promise you we would. So yes, I kinda get THAT resentment too.”

“I wouldn’t say I ‘resented’ it…” I feebly mumble.

“Well- maybe not,” Kayla concedes. “But I get why you would. If we were out in the open you could come to the studio anytime, we could be out and about anytime, no hiding… Ugh, dunno how many times we need to go over this.”

“…Until we-“ I begin.

“Until we are actually out, yeah,” Kayla says. “God… You- you won’t believe this, but I- I really wish we’d just gone public from the start. Just get it out there, you know? None of this sneaking around…”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I mumble. “Believe me, I know.”

“Oh- oh god…” Kayla moans. “Sorry I- sorry I dragged you through all this. Again.”

“It’s okay,” I shrug. “It’s been worth it. Again, hehe!”

“Yeah…” Kayla grimaces, her facial expression making it clear she doesn’t fully agree with me. My own facial expression sours as an awkward silence fills the room- something that almost never happens with me and Kayla.

“So, umm…” I mumble. “Long day- long day at training?”

“You already asked that,” Kayla replies.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it again,” I say. “Kayla, I- I don’t want to be the reason you don’t enjoy this experience as much as you can. As much as you should, as much as you deserve to!”

“Thanks,” Kayla says, the smile returning to her face. “And I don’t want you being stressed either. How about this- we set another ‘coming out date’, and this time we stick to it, no matter what happens?”

“You- you mean it?” I ask.

“Well- yeah,” Kayla replies. “I’d kinda like to hang out with my girlfriend and not feel stressed about it, heh!”

“I’d like nothing more than that too,” I say. “Even appearing on Strictly, heh!”

“Heh,” Kayla chuckles. “You know, in some ways, I feel the same?”

“Really?” I ask.

“Don’t be so surprised,” Kayla replies. “I mean, I don’t regret the decision to go on the show, you know?”

“I hope you never do regret it,” I whisper.

“But, you know, I haven’t seen anyone from Heavenly Talent in days,” Kayla sighs. “Not since my party on Thursday.”

“But you’ve got lots of new friends to hang out with, haven’t you?” I ask. “You can never have too many friends, right? And it’s not like the rest of us are going anywhere, right?”

“Other than America in November?” Kayla asks. “By which point I’ll finally be 21 and able to enjoy it properly?”

“That is going to be tough without you,” I say. “But hey, maybe we’ll gain an even bigger following. Go back next year and sell out an arena, maybe. Jonathan’s said our YouTube videos are getting more and more hits from all over the US…”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Kayla says, before giggling and giving me another kiss. “And you’d better not be going anywhere!” Kayla bites her lip as she realises the double meaning of what she just said- however, in my case, it’s a more than deserved criticism.

“Definitely not, never again,” I say. “…No offence, but you REALLY need to shower.”

“Yes, yes, alright,” Kayla sighs, before chuckling tiredly. “What’ve you got planned for tomorrow?”

“Oh, practically nothing,” I sigh. “Not much the band can do without you until we go to the States, heh. Think Dan and Paul are teaching some of the kids to swim round at Charlotte’s, might drop round and offer moral support to my niece, heh!”

“Aww, SO cute,” Kayla chuckles. “And not just you in a bikini, heh!”

“I’m actually planning on wearing my black one-piece,” I say. “Bikinis aren’t quite appropriate around the kids, heh.”

“Still cute,” Kayla says, before pausing briefly to ponder something.

"Didn't think you'd thought about kids?" I tease.

"Oh- god's sake," Kayla snorts. "You KNOW what I mean. Like we have any time for a kid, hehe! But you are right about one thing- it IS time for me to shower, heh! Fancy Indian for dinner?”

“Really?” I ask. “With you jumping and twirling around all tomorrow? Your partner will LOVE that!”

“Oh- shut up!” Kayla protests, before giggling, giving me a gentle kiss and heading through to the bathroom to shower.

I relax back into the sofa and unpause my game, my anxieties disappearing as I hear the hot water cascade over my girlfriend’s body. As always, I question why I was anxious at all about Kayla’s commitment to me. As she said, she wouldn’t have gone out with me for ten months if she wasn’t committed to the relationship. I know for a fact that her relationship with me is the longest she’s had since joining Out of Heaven, all of the other boyfriends- or rather, all of the boyfriends she’s had rarely lasted more than a month, even the ones who were famous in their own right. In the early days of the relationship I worried constantly that I’d just be another of Kayla’s ‘flavour of the month’ relationships, and the effect it’d have on our friendship, but as time’s gone on, I realise that our relationship has strengthened our friendship.

That strength is confirmed as the two of us spend the rest of the day relaxing on our sofa by watching TV, playing videogames and updating our social media accounts. And with the exception of that last thing (due to the numbers of followers we have), we could easily be just like any other two women in their early twenties. Kayla- presumably out of sensitivity toward me- barely even mentions Strictly for the rest of the evening, a far cry from how enthusiastic she’d been in the week before the start of the series. Though she’s only too happy to talk about it when I raise the topic- just as happy as I am to hear about it.. I often hear friends of ours like Nikki and Sarah, or Alexa and Jenny or Jessica and Paige talk about the concept of ‘soul mates’, and I sometimes wonder whether or not that applies to me and Kayla. We like the same things, have the same friends, (for the most part) the same ambitions... But I know there's more to being 'soul mates' than just that. Sometimes I wish I knew, even if just for a second, what Kayla was thinking...

We head to bed together just after 10pm, thanks to Kayla needing to be up early tomorrow, though I don’t mind getting an early night on this occasion. Even though we’re both wearing pyjamas to bed, that doesn’t stop us cuddling each other into a deep sleep.

When I wake up the following morning, my bed is unsurprisingly empty, though the sound of running water coming from the room next to mine is enough to reassure me that I’m not TOO late up today. By the time Kayla is done in the shower, I’ve already brewed a pot of coffee, made some toast and am relaxed on the sofa watching breakfast TV.

“Morning,” Kayla says, leaning down to give me a gentle kiss as she dries her hair. “Any chance of putting ITV on?”

“About as much chance of me eating my own hair,” I scoff as Kayla giggles, knowing full well about my feelings regarding the obnoxious blowhard who presents ITV’s breakfast show. “What time are you heading out?”

“As soon as I’m dressed, need to get an early start on this,” Kayla sighs. “When you heading to Charlotte’s?”

“As soon as I’m dressed,” I reply with a chuckle. “Which might be a while, heh. Gonna talk to Jon if he’s at Charlotte’s, see if he can’t get me on a few shows to keep me occupied if nothing else.”

“Sounds good,” Kayla says with a smile.

“As long as one of them isn’t ‘Would I Lie to You’, heh!” I say. “Ahh… You have fun today, okay? And don’t worry about me.”

“I will,” Kayla says, exchanging a gentle kiss with me before scuttling off to get dressed.

“…You will… what?” I ask, confused by my girlfriend’s response. “Have fun or worry about me?”

“Both, you know that,” Kayla replies with a tired chuckle. “Though I’ll try to make it more the first thing than the second thing.”

“Good,” I say with a smirk, before waiting for Kayla to finish so I can exchange another kiss with her as she leaves the flat. After Kayla shuts the front door behind her, I return to the sofa and flop down onto it with a long, loud sigh. Our talk last night has certainly removed a lot of the stress I was facing over the coming three months, but it’s still going to be a long, long three months- and there’s still no guarantee that Kayla will be ready to come out even when Strictly has been and gone. All I know for sure is that she loves me- and while that should be enough for now, the fact is that as far as almost everyone else is concerned, we are nothing more than flatmates, and never will be any more than that.

After breakfast, I shower and get dressed in my trusty black swimsuit, which I cover with a clingy t-shirt and a loose, fashionable knee-length skirt. As today is a 'family thing', I opt for a pair of comfortable flats rather than a pair of boots- I have to mix up my look sometimes, of course. A short while later, my taxi pulls up outside the vast Hartley home, and I have a smile on my face even before I walk around to the back of the house, following the unmistakable sound of children’s laughter.

“Yoo-hoo!” I call as I approach the pool, earning smiles and waves from everyone present, not least my sixteen month old niece and her mother.

“Hey Steph!” The muscled figure of Dan Carter calls from the shallow end of the pool, where he and his best friend are surrounded by several infants wearing swimming costumes and inflatable water wings. “You here to help out?”

“Got nothing better to do,” I half-chuckle and half-sigh. “Surprised you’re not teaching them at your gym?”

“Pool’s crowded enough at the best of times,” Dan replies. “Want to teach my daughter somewhere a bit more private, heh!” I giggle as Dan lifts his soon to be two year old daughter out of the water, before giving her a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“So cute,” I giggle as I head to where my future sister-in-law is sat.

“Hey Steph,” Amanda says, not taking her attention off her daughter. “Wasn’t expecting to see you today?”

“Not got anywhere else to be,” I shrug, before sighing. “And I didn’t mean it exactly like THAT, but- ugh. Got to keep busy, you know?”

“I know,” Amanda says softly. “And I know little Stephi will be happy to have her favourite aunt here, heh!”

“Aww,” I giggle, before smiling as I’m handed a cool glass of orange juice by another of the mothers present- albeit one who’s considerably more famous than Amanda, or even myself.

“Hey,” Charlotte says with a smile as she sits down next to me. “You feeling any better today? Had a chance to, you know…”

“Talk to Kayla?” I ask. “Yep, we’ve talked, we’ve got a lot of things- well, maybe not out in the OPEN as such…”

"I get it," Charlotte says gently.

"The important thing is that she's having fun," I say with a determined nod. "Even if it is totally dominating her life, heh. And mine, to a lesser extent."

"Yep, it does do that," Charlotte says, before chuckling as she hears a loud cry coming from inside the house. "Mother's job is never done, heh!"

"Yeah," I say, trying to focus on the lesson in front of me rather than Charlotte's attempts at 'advice'. However, everything I've heard about her (mostly from Jamie) tells me that she was even more fame-hungry than Kayla was when she was 20, but now she's a happily married mother of 3- albeit one who's also a multimillionaire with over 8 million followers on Instagram. The point is, though, that's she a HAPPILY married mother of 3- and there's no reason Kayla couldn't be as well...

The lesson eventually ends with the proud parents drying off their children and changing them into their day clothes, triggering a regular occurrence that's one of the cutest things I will ever see- as the parents bid each other farewell with gentle hugs, the toddlers all follow suit, playfully hugging each other before being taken back to their parents' cars.

After bidding farewell to my friends I hop into my future sister-in-law’s car, and within minutes we’re pulling up outside my flat and I’m bidding farewell to Amanda with a hug (and to my niece with an extra-special cuddle). As I head into the empty flat, I can’t help but muse on whether or not Kayla and I would make as good parents as Tom and Amanda- I have, after all, got some ‘seeds’ on ice. Whether or not Kayla would want me to ‘plant’ it, however, is another matter entirely, and knowing her, the time out of the limelight to raise the children would be the most unappealing thing. Then again, raising three children hasn’t stopped Charlotte from getting over eight million followers on Instagram…

I try to put these thoughts out of my mind as I make myself a much-needed cup of tea. Kayla and I are only 20 and 22 respectively, after all, and have plenty of time to think about starting a family later. In the meantime, we both have careers to focus on- and while Kayla is certainly making the most of her opportunity, I once again find myself at a loose end.

I fill the rest of the day with Facebook and video games, and when Kayla comes home just after 5pm, we eat dinner and while away the evening talking about our respective days. As I talk about my day, I’m struck by an inescapable thought- something I’m compelled to share with my girlfriend.

“You know,” I say in a quiet voice, “this- this is kinda like back before I joined the band, you know? Playing videogames and updating Facebook all day, kinda feel like I’m unemployed, heh.”

“Well Jon can always get you publicity work if you’re bored,” Kayla replies.

“Not likely when Fortnite exists,” I chuckle. “But what I meant was, you know, it’s funny how I can fall back into old habits… And it, you know, kinda reminded me of when we met for the first time, heh.”

“Yeah, THAT’s a day I won’t forget in a hurry,” Kayla chuckles. “Never realised how many things in my life would change starting from that day, heh.”

“Um, hello?” I ask, gesturing to my feminine body. “You think YOU’VE changed?”

“Oh please,” Kayla scoffs with a light chuckle. “You’ve always been a girl, it just took you a while to realise it, heh.”

“I guess,” I giggle. “…So, umm, does that- does that mean you’ve always been a lesbian, and only just realising it now?”

“Or bisexual,” Kayla shrugs. “And- and I guess I have, I suppose. I dunno. Maybe everyone is bisexual and they’re just waiting for the right person to come along?”

“Makes sense to me,” I shrug.

“If only everyone thought that way,” Kayla sighed. “You know, I- I’ve actually talked to, you know, people like Nikki and Jamie, and Jessica and Paige, getting advice on the whole ‘coming out’ thing, heh.”

“R-really?” I ask.

“Mm,” Kayla mumbles in the affirmative. “They all had a lot of good advice to give, you know?”

“Oh- I definitely believe you,” I say. “It’s just… Why- why didn’t you ask me?” I try not to frown as Kayla bites her lip, clearly taken aback by the question.

“I thought about it,” Kayla whispers. “But- ugh, I dunno. I mean, we are already out to family and friends, right? Isn’t that usually the hardest part?” This time, it’s my turn to bite my lip as I realise exactly what my girlfriend’s hinting at.

“For most people, maybe,” I say. “But most people don’t have millions of social media followers.”

“Exactly,” Kayla sighs, before smiling warmly. “And I know how frustrating it is for you. That’s why I’ve had an idea.”

“An idea?” I ask. “Am- am I going to like this idea?”

“Hopefully,” Kayla says with a smirk. “I’ve thought about it, and I know the perfect date for the two of us to come out to the world.”

“…Which is?” I ask.

“February 14th,” Kayla replies with a smug grin, which fades as I grimace. “…What’s up? What better day than Valentine’s Day?”

“It’s still five months away,” I reply with a sigh. “You’ve got the whole of your Strictly time to go, and not just that, but Halloween, Christmas, both our birthdays…”

“The situation isn’t perfect, I agree,” Kayla sighs. “If you’d rather we came out at Christmas or on your birthday, I suppose we could-“

“No- actually, come to think of it,” I say, trying my hardest to smile genuinely, “February 14th would be PERFECT.”

“Really?” Kayla asks, her eyes lighting up.

“Really,” I say, gripping my girlfriend’s hand and giving her a gentle kiss.

On the inside, of course, the prospect of another five months of going behind everyone’s back is filling me with almost unbearable amounts of stress, not least because of the four other events I mentioned taking place between now and then- which just so happen to be the four busiest times of the year for myself and Kayla publicity-wise. However, as I look into my girlfriend’s eyes, I can tell that her desire to come out is sincere, as I can tell by the fact that she’s been speaking to our friends about it just as I have. I can’t help but think back to the first time mine and Kayla’s eyes met, back when we first auditioned to the band. At the time, neither of us had any idea that a few years down the line, we'd be friends, let alone bandmates and definitely not lovers. And yet, I can't imagine going to bed with anyone else the way Kayla and I go to bed together tonight.

The following morning, when I wake up, I let out a sigh when I once again find myself alone in bed. However, I don’t have time for self-pity this morning, as after a quick breakfast and a shower, I rush back to my bedroom to don my trusty Wednesday morning uniform of a pair of soft pink tights, a tight black leotard and a flimsy dance skirt. A short while later, I head through the front door of the Krystie Fullerton School of Dance, where many of my friends are already waiting for our regular ‘lesson’ to begin.

“Hey Steph!” Nikki says, giggling as she greets me with a gentle hug. “How have you been doing, the last couple of days?”

“…Not bad, not great either,” I reply. “I’ve talked a lot with Kayla, we’ve got a lot of things out in the open, we’re in a good place now. I won’t be needing the codeword again for a while, heh!”

“Good,” Nikki giggles. “Kinda felt bad I couldn’t ‘rescue’ you on Monday, heh. Luckily, you’ve got plenty of company today, hehe!”

“It’s okay,” I shrug. “Plenty of friends to keep me company today, hehe!”

“You can never have too many,” Nikki giggles. “Ahh… Half tempted to use the codeword myself today, heh.”

“Sarah not here?” I ask, scanning the room for the brown-haired woman.

“Too busy getting ready for uni. AGAIN,” Nikki replies. “Apparently a Masters course is, like, a hundred times more intense than a regular degree, so she’s gonna be even busier than usual, not able to come to things like this… Same goes for Lauren, Ophelia and Jacinta in their new jobs too. Even if Jacinta wouldn’t exactly be up for dancing, hehe!” I giggle as I’m reminded of my friend and fellow ‘fellowship’ member, who has recently undergone her gender confirmation surgery.

“Well I’m happy to keep you company today,” I say with a smile. “As long as you’re okay keeping me company?” Nikki smiles and opens her mouth to reply, only to remain silent as she catches sight of something over my shoulder.

“…Maybe that won’t be necessary?” Nikki asks, gesturing for me to turn round. When I do, I’m greeted by one of my favourite sights in the whole world- Kayla, wearing her dance uniform and sporting a wide grin on her face. I instinctively walk toward her to greet her with a kiss- everyone present today knows about our ‘secret’- only to stop when I see that she isn’t alone. Accompanying her is her Strictly dance partner and two very large portable TV cameras with the BBC’s logo on their sides.

“Hey Kayla!” Hannah squeaks excitedly as she rushes over to greet my girlfriend with a tight hug, an action that’s repeated by everyone else in the room.

“What are you doing here today?” I ask.

“I figured 'the pro' here could show us all how it’s REALLY done,” Kayla says with a smug grin.

“Oh really?” Krystie asks with mock offence. “Or maybe we could teach him a thing or two?” I force a grin on my face as Krystie sizes up her ‘competition’ for the benefit of the cameras, before giggling and inviting him into the dance studio with the rest of us following swiftly behind.

Naturally, Kayla and her partner's training is the main focus of the lesson, with very little dancing being done by the rest of us, especially as after their training they spend half an hour answering questions for the cameras. However, when it's all finished and the cameras have left, I'm the one Kayla comes straight toward for a long, loving hug that reassures me that I am loved deeply and genuinely. I just wish I didn't have to wait months for the whole world to know that...