Chapter 2.3

It was a few hours later that John got up and found me sitting in the living area. He gave me a strange look, but went into the kitchen and started fixing something which smelled wonderful. I say that because I know that his cooking is always that way. I love it.

I couldn't get into it today, though. My mind kept going over the fact of Fred being the brother of a monster. The monster who had taken my friends away. Had taken me away.

I was a woman. Had been a woman for hundreds of years, and I couldn't not like it. I was deeply in love with a man who would do anything to show how much he loved me! I had a baby growing inside me that I loved. Was I complaining? No! At least… I don't think I was.

Did I have any reason to complain? Well, yes. I hadn't asked for this. I hadn't wanted this! This wasn't who I was supposed to be!

But I loved it! Why was I complaining?

My head was spinning. I knew that a lot of this was lack of sleep.

John cena out of the kitchen carrying two plates of breakfast. He set them down on the table and I saw what they were. Even though I was too depressed to enjoy mine I knew that it was divine. An omelette packed with bacon, blue cheese, an assortment of vegetables, and spices that John would never tell me, although I knew what they were; coriander, cilantro, oregano. He said he wanted to keep it a secret as it was his recipe for me.

As I thought about all the loving things he did for me, I had mixed feelings. I knew that this was who I was now. The nanites were affecting my brain, pumping up my feminine feelings, but the fact was, they weren't making me love him. That was something I chose to do.

What galled me was that I was pushed into womanhood by Willem, without a second thought. Not even a second thought on my part either. When I became a woman, I was immediately afraid of men. I was revolted by the thought of who I had been just a few moments before. I hated Willem for doing this to me!

But would I go back? Oh God, no! Never! I loved John, the baby, all the wonderful things about being a woman!

This back and forth was starting to get to me. I decided to try to put it out of my mind. I got up and went to the table. John had covered my breakfast to keep it warm. He got up and went into the kitchen. A moment later, he came out with some toast and coffee, and set it in front of me. He bent down and gave me a kiss on the forehead, then sat down. I took a bite of the omelet, and I had been right. It was divine! I drank my coffee, got some more, and sat down.

I looked at him and realized he had finished his food and was just looking at me. I had a second piece of omelet halfway to my mouth, but I stopped and put it down. He had a question written on his face that I couldn't ignore.

His concern was like a warmed blanket on a cold night wrapped lovingly around me.

How could I ever complain about this? I felt the tears start. Thankfully, he had been there through it all. He had been by my side… had forced himself to be there when I became a woman, even though the nanites made him fear me. How could I complain?

Because it hadn't been my choice, and the beauty of it was wrapped up in horror.

He came over to me and gently, so gently, picked me up and carried me in to the bed and laid me down. All through breakfast, he hadn't said a word. Now, he knelt beside me stroking my hair. He gave me a kiss on the forehead again, then went out to the living area. A few minutes later, he came into the bedroom and lay down beside me. I rolled over and found him waiting for me. I buried my face in his chest and cried myself asleep.

That afternoon we went to the briefing room. John and I had been talking about the restaurant since we for up, and though he was chatting animatedly, I knew he wasn't fooled. I would have to tell him what was bothering me that evening. The concern was there. He had it hidden behind his smile and jovial spirit, but I knew him too well to miss it.

When we walked in and I saw Fred and Paula sitting there I tried to keep the smile on my face. I'm not sure Fred noticed my problem, but I know Paula did. While she had been born a man, just like me, she was a woman now and I know she saw through it instantly.

Our topic that afternoon was an interesting one. We were sitting in an orbit even beyond the Oort Cloud, but still around our home sun.

“Could we go back to Earth?” I asked, although I was sure we couldn’t.

“No,” Fred answered. “The nanites destroyed that idea permanently. We could never get rid of them all, and even if we could, we’d have to find Willem’s computer that controls the nanites. We have no idea where it is.”

“Your brother’s computer, you mean,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but I did. I regretted it as soon as I did.

Paula sighed. I guess she realized why I was upset that morning. “You did some research, this morning,” she commented.

“Last night actually. I couldn’t sleep thinking about the restaurant. How come you didn’t tell us?” I asked her. I pointedly ignored Fred.

“We were afraid of a reaction like this,” she said. We were going to after a bit. You needed to see that Fred was trustworthy.”

“That’s why I changed my last name to Freeman,” he explained. “It means I was...”

I cut him off. “Yes, free from Wallace. I get it. I saw the video of your speech.” I knew my anger was showing on my face. John put his hand on mine, but I pulled it away. “I’m not ready to give this up, John. We were lied to – by omission, to be sure, but it was still lying!”

I turned to Freeman. “I wasn’t going to say anything, and I apologize for the mistake, but I really want to know why. Why did you not tell us at first?”

He sighed. “As Paula explained, I knew some of you would react like this.”

“Well, what do you expect us to do?” I almost shouted. I could see that he was almost ready to get up and walk out.

“May I say something, Rose?” Paula asked.

“It’s Mrs. Carlson,” I told them, wanting to distance myself.

“May I say something, Mrs. Carlson?” Paula asked again.

“Go ahead.”

“You know of course, that the history books say that Fred authorized the extraction of data from Wallace.

“Yes.”

“What you don’t know, is that Fred agonized over it for months afterward. Years, in fact.”

“You’re not making me trust either of you by telling me this.”

“I realize that. What I’m trying to get you to see is how much different than his brother, Fred is. Where Willem didn’t care how much he hurt others, Fred didn’t even want to kill his brother who was a monster.”

“None of this is relevant,” I said. “The fact is, Fred now has the power that Willem no longer has. Is this something genetic?”

“I don’t have any power,” he argued.

“Sure you do. Your wife is the commander of this vessel.”

“She’s the commander, not me.”

“Doesn’t she listen to you?”

Paula replied. “Not really. I argued with Fred the entire time that he agonized over torturing Willem that the bastard had gotten exactly what he deserved.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?”

“You don’t,” Paula admitted. “You’ve just got to trust us.”

I let out a bitter laugh. “I have no choice. My life is in your hands.”

“We have no wish to take your life. We want you to spend the rest of your lives in happiness. That’s why I had this ship built.”

“Mom fought for this,” said Rhoda. “Gina was the commander of the Centaurus. She wanted to stay, waiting for you, and so did Mom, but we had been waiting for fifty thousand years. Actually, no one really wanted to give up waiting. We were all willing to stay, but Gina decided that someone else would take her ship on to Alpha Centauri. We came over on the last transport from Centaurus.”

John took my hand. This time I didn’t refuse. “Honey, you know me. I don’t want you to live in depression. I want you to be happy. You have the restaurant. I’m told that your new instruments are being made. Please, forgive them for not telling us from the outset, and trust them.”

“I can forgive, John,” I told him, “ and I have, but it will take awhile to trust.”

“Thank you for forgiving us,” Fred told me. “I will do everything in my power to show you that you can trust me.”

I nodded. I wanted very much to trust, but I couldn’t at the moment. It was something that stayed out of my grasp.

“Thank you, Mrs. Carlson,” Paula told me.

“I’m sorry for losing it,” I told them, “and please call me Rose.”

Paula smiled. “Thank you, Rose.”

We got back to the business at hand, but we really didn’t know what to do. I think my outburst sidetracked everyone, so Paula suggested that we sleep on it, and come back tomorrow afternoon.

After the meeting, Paula asked if I wanted to do some work on Heaven’s Rose. I thought about it, and whether I should trust her. As I said before, I really wanted to. Finally, I accepted. We made our way there, as did the rest of the women who were at the meeting. There wasn’t very much to do. I checked everything out, and told them that I usually made a single dish every night, so I had time to work on my music as well as other things.

I was surprised after John and my two years sitting and doing nothing else, we still had muscle tone. I guess so we would be able to enter the next stage. Or perhaps it was the normal programming of the nanites. If someone entered a coma, they kept muscle tone so the person would be able to resume life afterwards.

I hadn’t played music for a long while, so when Gina asked if I would be willing to do a concert, I balked at it at first. I explained to her, and said I would have to see how comfortable I was playing, and work at it for awhile. “I might be able to after I practice for awhile, but please let me get the restaurant going first.”

“I understand,” she replied. “I do expect that people will want to hear you play. Perl raved about your food and your musical ability.”

I smiled sadly. “Perl was a good friend of both John and I.” I could feel the tears welling up again. When Gina hugged me, I was tense. She refused to let go, however, and I eventually relaxed. I’m sure it had to do with my distrust of Paul and Fred. Gina was Rhoda’s wife, and Rhoda was Paula’s daughter. I guess anyone in their family was subject to my distrust. I hated that, but it was what it was.

I knew that there were counselors on board Neo22 and I wondered. Of they might be able to help me. I figured I probably had PTSD. After years and years of being subject to the pain and horrors of Wallace’s demented play, I would be surprised if I didn’t.