Whirling Dorvishes (aka Bike) Part 576 by Angharad

I was still spitting feathers when I got downstairs. I switched the kettle on and discovered I hadn’t even stayed upstairs long enough to use the loo, I remedied that while the kettle boiled then I made and drank my tea.

While I did so, I wondered whether or not I was going to stay with Simon. In some ways he was so good and in others, he was a total nightmare. The girls loved him, but I felt that as long as they had one or other of us, they would be okay. I really did begin to wonder if staying with him was such a wise thing.

Trish came down and hugged me. “Are you sad, Mummy?”

I hugged her back and felt tears fill my eyes. “A bit, sweetheart.”

“Are you cross with Daddy.”

“Yes–no, oh I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel, except confused.”

“I hope you won’t be cross with me.”

“Why should I be cross with you?”

“My other mummy used to get very cross.”

“Why was she cross, sweetheart,” I hugged her close to me.

“She wanted me to be a boy, but I couldn’t–I didn’t know how.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” I held her tightly and felt her heave as she sobbed. “We love you for who you feel you are, not for what others think you should be. I told you before, we are happy for you to be whoever you want to be. So if that means being a girl, then you be a girl. Just be yourself and be comfortable in being you. Can you understand what I mean?”

“Yes, Mummy. I’m glad you’re my Mummy now.”

“I’m glad I’m your Mummy, too.”

“I hate my old Mummy.”

“Try not to, sweetheart. Try to forgive her rather than let it turn to hate. Hate only eats away at us, whereas forgiveness and love, help us to grow.”

“I don’t ever want to see her again, she was so horrible to me.”

“What do you mean, horrible?” I wondered if there was some abuse coming up.

“She used to beat me if she caught me acting like a girl…”

“Oh, sweetheart, no one is going to beat you as long as I’m around, or Simon, Tom or Stella. We’ll protect you.”

“…she told other boys that I was a fairy, and they would hit me and kick me. The girls were sometimes cruel to me, as well.” She started to sob again.

“If your old Mummy was sitting opposite in that chair, what would you like to say to her, knowing that I’m here to protect you and that she couldn’t say or do anything to hurt you.”

Trish looked at the chair opposite. “You’re horrible,” she spat at it. She turned to face the chair and she pulled my arms around her. “I hate you, you…bugger.”

I held her securely as she vented at the empty chair. “Now tell her you forgive her, and then tell her to go.”

“What does forgive mean?”

“If you do something naughty or bad, I might be upset with you for a while, then when I calm down, I might realise it wasn’t as bad as I thought, so I can let the anger or upset go and I can forgive you. I’m no longer upset with you.”

“Why should I forgive her?”

“Because otherwise, it will make you feel worse about yourself and her. If you forgive her, she might have thought she was doing the right thing, then you can really forget about what she did to you and just be a girl, as my daughter, not a failed boy and someone else’s son. Do you understand?”

“I think so, and I so want to be your daughter.”

“I know, sweetheart, I also know what it’s like to have parent who doesn’t understand me.”

“Did your mummy want you to be a boy, too?”

“It was my father with whom I had most trouble.”

“Did he want you to be a boy?”

“Yes he did, he was very disappointed I was a girl.” Well I was inside.

“Did you forgive your daddy?”

“Yes, I did, and he was eventually glad he had a daughter.”

“Was he?”

“Yes,” I hugged her again.

“How do you know?”

“Because we spoke about it.”

“I don’t want to see my old Mummy, ever again.” I felt her body heave with a sob, “Never, I hate her.”

“Okay, sweetheart. Do you want me to tell her to go away?”

“Yes please, Mummy.”

“Okay–I’m speaking to Trish’s old Mummy. I suspect you did what you might have thought was best for her, however, you were badly mistaken and only caused her pain and upset. I am asking you, as her new Mummy, to go away and not to come back until you can accept and love her as the lovely daughter she is. She is now under my protection, and I will protect her against you or anyone else. Be gone.” I clapped my hands and Trish jumped. “It’s okay, she’s gone.”

Trish turned and looked at the chair. “Thank you, Mummy.” I hugged her again and decided that psychotherapy was best left to the professionals.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s get some breakfast.”

We had nearly finished ours when Simon and Mima came down. They both had wet hair, so I deduced the roof had blown off or they’d washed their tresses.

Simon put his arms around me from behind while I was making Mima’s cereal. “Am I forgiven?”

“Depends on which crime we’re discussing.”

“How many have you got against me?”

“That would be telling.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m asking.”

“Today’s accusations, which are totally incorrect, I am not married, and certainly not to a fish, nor a fisherman.”

“Um, okay, I apologise. Maybe I should have said a banker’s wife.”

“Is that a spoonerism?”

“What?”

“Banker’s wife.”

I heard him mumble as he worked out what I was saying. Then he pinched my bottom, “No it isn’t a spoonerism.”

“Don’t you dare pinch my bottom, it is so vulgar,” and with that I pulled open his jeans and tipped Mima’s cereal down inside them.